Episode 18: Dr. Whooves on the Daily Show

Part of why it would take a while for Jon’s food to reach his table wasn’t just because it was in itself a tall order, but because there were only three people who worked at the Corner Street Eatery: Coatcheck and his two daughters. After Jon had given his order to Coatcheck, he and his children then went out to greet and wait on some of the other ponies who had entered soon after.

From there Jon didn’t see him much but he got somewhat acquainted with his two kids, who came to see how he was doing from time to time. The two young mares did so not just because he was an important guest from another world but because from his grim demeanor masked by witty sarcasm to them meant that he had seen better days.

Their interpretation was, as with most waitresses, spot on, but to Jon’s credit he was getting better. The emotional pain that followed Jon all the way from Canterlot Castle to the humble setting of Ponyville seemed to have diminished somewhat over time. And while he liked to believe that it did so through his own sheer perseverance and ability to remain emotionally balanced, a big percent of it was due to the bottle of wine that was brought to him by one of Coatchecks’ daughters and was now almost completely gone.

It was basic math, the ponies in this world were about a third the size of Jon and as such so were their buildings, silverware, transportation, and of course food portions. For them a bottle of wine was enough for a few ponies but for Jon it was roughly around 20 ounces. In addition, their wine wasn’t as strong as the kind he’d had back on earth but in terms of rounding out his edges it performed admirably.

Just as is to be expected, none of the other patrons approached him for a variety of reasons, whether they be respectful given his current situation or for the mere fact that it would have been rude to intrude upon him during his private dining experience. Some ponies genuinely didn’t yet know why he was in Equestria but could hazard to guess it must be something daunting in nature to have made him come to this establishment by himself and order a bottle of alcohol.

And indeed it was daunting, were anyone else in the position that Jon was they’d retreat to the comfort of their own vices as well. With the alcohol now flowing through his system, Jon found things more bearable. His uncomfortable seat was more inviting, his future meal devoid of any meat now more charming, and the fact that he was going to meet Derpy’s husband now seemed like an exciting proposition... at least it did till he recalled why he was here to meet him.

“Trixie,” Jon said out loud to himself as he normally did once he started hitting the spirits. Looking back he found it slightly embarrassing the way he’d reacted in front of her back in the hospital. He liked to think of himself as a level headed man but lately that aspect of his personality was being put to the test. Which is what he felt like was going on, he felt like he was being tested, like the universe decided to throw him a curveball and stop and see how he would react to it. So far he failed in getting Celestia to help him so now it was his time to earn some extra credit by doing things himself.

But as he looked skywards at the Castle he couldn't help but feel small by comparison. The only reason Celestia refused to help Trixie with the operation was because she felt like it wouldn't work; who was Jon to say otherwise? Not only that, but his plan of asking Derpy’s husband was a longshot at best. What if he couldn't help him? What if he didn’t know anyone else who could? What if there wasn’t anyone else in this world who could perform the spell and if there was how could Jon find them?

All these questions and more once again crept their way back into Jon’s mind, screaming at him like an alarm clock that refused to go on sleep mode. Shaking his head, he knew there was only one way to drown out the part of his brain that was trying to be rational.

“Bottoms up,” he said as he leaned back to finish off the remainder of his first bottle of wine. To prepare for the intense flow of liquor, Jon remembered to take a deep breath before hand, but with the bottle almost gone he only managed to get a couple of gulps. “Damn, that was fast.”

Quickly, Jon placed the bottle on the table and turned his attention to the rest of the restaurant. His eyes locked with some of the other ponies dining which promptly caused them to look away. Slowly he scanned the room till he saw who he was looking for, and that was one of the daughters of Coatcheck who originally brought him the bottle.

“Excuse me, waitress?” Jon called out as he tried his best to recall her name, which was difficult since he’d been drinking. “Uh... Shoe Shine was it?”

The pony he was calling out was the youngest of Coatcheck’s daughters, an Earthpony with an orange body and long wavy yellow mane. Unlike her sister, she looked nothing like her father, since she took after her mother who wasn’t around anymore. She had just finished setting down a tray of sun dried tomatoes and dip to a party of four when Jon tried to get her attention. After a quick bow she made her way to Jon.

“A-actually it’s Sunshine,” she corrected. “Now then... what seems to be the problem?”

“Oh no problem, it just seems like I’m all out of wine.” Jon demonstrated by tilting the bottle over whereupon it produced only a few drops onto the ground. “Could you please be a dear and get me my other bottle?”

The advice given to her by her dad was simple: Do whatever the human said. As well as being a well rounded citizen, and dedicated single father of two, Coatcheck was also a businessman, who knew the value of customer satisfaction. As such he ventured to guess that if a famous celebrity like Jon had a good experience his restaurant would ultimately get a good reputation in turn. Even though that was the case, Sunshine still felt it necessary to err on the side of caution.

“Um, Mister Stewart... I don’t mean to pry but don’t you think you’ve had enough?” she asked. In response to this Jon slammed his hand on the table, causing the bottle to fall. After this little demonstration he leaned in to address the now scared waitress.

“I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough!” Jon acted out with a straight face only to later break out laughing. “I’m... I’m sorry; I’ve always wanted to say that. No I’m fine really, Shoooooe I mean Sunshine... now then... about that other bottle.”

Worried that perhaps his jesting nature wasn’t of his own doing but the alcohol talking, Sunshine had reservation about carrying out his request.

“I’m... well that is to say I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea,” she said tenuously. “I understand for somepony like you this might not be a lot... but I don’t think it’s good for your health to be drinking so early in the--”

“Oh for the love of Celestia just get the man his booze already!” Coatcheck yelled from the other side of the restaurant, not in anger but just loud enough so everyone could hear him embarrass his daughter. “If you’re worried about him getting drunk and making a pass at you then don’t; he’s married and he’s not interested in four legged women.”

With a shade of red that matched well with her color tone, Sunshine quickly turned around with blushed cheeks to address her father.

“Daddy, I can’t believe you said that!” she screamed, causing some of the regulars in attendance to chuckle at their normal level of behavior. “UGH! Sometimes you are so embarrassing!”

With that she turned back to Jon who was displaying his empty bottle with a forced look of sadness which at all times was trying to shift into full on laughter at the father-daughter squabbling. Sensing that there was no use trying to get through to either of the two men, Sunshine turned to head to the kitchen in a fluster.

“I-I’ll be right back with your order!” she bellowed, disappearing behind the door. With a chuckle, Jon placed the bottle of wine on the edge of his table to indicate he was done with it. He barely had time to think of a new way to tease his waitress when she returned with the wine in the center of a serving tray, which was being balanced on her head. “Here you go Mr. Stewart! Fresh from the cellar!”

Jon would have helped the young mare by taking the bottle himself but her years of practice made it so she could effortlessly tilt her head to the side and catch the bottle with her hoof entirely on her own. Not to mention that even if Jon wanted to help she would have been against it, she was at the age where she wanted to prove that she could handle things on her own.

“We don’t have a limit on how much one can drink, but I do advise you take it slowly,” she suggested, severely underestimating how much Jon’s body could handle. Before actually handing over the wine, the self-sustaining Earthpony made a couple attempts to undo the cork for him. “Here let me just... get... this... open... for... you...”

The thought crossed his mind that if she were a Unicorn she could've used her horn as a makeshift corkscrew. The fact that Jon’s first thought was the usage of a horn as a removal device rather than a conduit for some kind of cork removal spell pretty much spelled out how loosened the alcohol had made him. With anyone else their having to wait till Sunshine removed the cork would have annoyed them but with Jon he had just enough to drink to where he thought it adorable and just watched the struggling Earthpony go as far as biting down on the impermeable material. As entertaining as it was to see her struggle, Jon felt compelled to take control of the situation; he was starting to lose his buzz.

Reaching out, Jon grabbed the neck of the bottle and with one good yank pried it away from Sunshine’s clutches.

“Oh, no, no, no please allow me!” she begged as she tried to grab it back from Jon who had already brought it up to his face for inspection. “As your server I feel that it is my job to--”

Her charitable offering was suddenly cut short by the deafening sound of the cork flying off into the sky, making the popping sound one would expect to hear from a bottle of wine. Sunshine was momentarily taken aback by how easy it was for Jon to remove the blocking mechanism with just a flick of his thumb, but soon realized it was mostly due to a difference in size which made it look like Jon was holding a bottle of soda.

“Oh well uh... I loosened it up for ya,” Sunshine admitted while losing sight of where the cork flew off to. “N-now then, you don’t seem to have a wine glass from when my father gave you the first bottle... if you just wait for one minute I will return with--

Again Sunshine's attempt at excellent service was cut short, this time by Jon demonstrating how unnecessary any glassware would be at this point. He proved this point by throwing his head back and taking several gulps of the wine, getting more than half way through the bottle in the process. Even for Jon’s size he was still ingesting quite a far bit which made him almost choke in the process. His lungs begged for him to stop and take a breath and his liver followed in turn. With a hefty sigh, Jon slammed the bottle on the table and allowed the flooding wave of euphoria to sweep over him.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Jon moaned as the taste of the elixir still danced upon his pallet. “That's the stuff!”

“W-well I suppose that’s one way of... doing things. Yes, unless there’s anything else I think I’ll attend to some of the uh... some of the other patrons,” Sunshine stated, getting a wave of understanding from Jon. Walking towards the other side of the restaurant, she peeked over at the hedonistic human who was now taking another long sip. “Geez, even Berry Punch paces herself a little bit.”

With Jon being both outside and on opposite ends of the guests, who took to sitting away from him out of respect, he had the added bonus of making as much noise as he wanted. In this instance his being alone meant that he could consume his alcohol and make as much unruly noises as he wanted in the process, which usually came in the form of his gasping for breath after a particularly long swig of wine. From there, Jon just sat back and tried to relax as the wind that came with dining (or in his case drinking) outside brushed through his hair. The horrendous day he’d been having now seemed not so bad with his senses now slightly dulled and his head in the clouds. He still felt a bit of pain in his heart, as to be expected, but that was nothing a little more alcohol couldn't cure.

Given the size difference Jon wasn’t close to being properly drunk, but he was buzzed just enough to believe that asking for his third bottle was a good idea. With a quick adjust of his seat, Jon scanned the room for someone that could help him which in this case wasn’t Sunshine or even Coatcheck, but rather his other daughter Dandelion; another Earthpony, this time with a white body and very short baby blue hair.

“Excuse me,” Jon called out to the young mare who was finishing relaying an order to her father through the kitchen window of the house. “Dandelion was it? Can I get my third bottle of wine now please?”

Jon braced himself with an explanation as to why he needed it now, an explanation that was in itself alcohol fuelled so to him it made sense. If this pony was anything like her sister, her first instinct would be to comment on his already having enough to drink, a deviant thought that would soon find its way into Jon’s head which is exactly why he needed more.

With narrowed eyes the other pony sister looked at Jon and then at the bottle, alternating between the two like she was watching an intense game of pingpong. But without warning a smile arose on her face and she finally answered his request.

“Okay!” she said in a cheerful tone before walking back into the house to retrieve his order.

“O-oh,” he expressed out loud. “That was... easy.”