I looked off to the rain pouring out through the tenth-story floor window, the sound was calming to the ears, to feel the noise come to me was nice.
The only thing interrupting it being the heart monitor that sent that occasional beep noise. My senses felt dull and I was tired, tired of everything in my life. A bad morning to a small hospital trip to a life-threatening condition of stage 4 lung cancer.
I remember the day so vividly, I had an accident again at work, moving boxes and supplies in a warehouse while failing, and was caught by my boss the third time, was talking about my firing until he noticed I coughed blood up in my hand.
And the rest was just a domino effect from bad to worse.
It all felt so blurry and yet so vivid, was there a point in sitting around here dying? They said it was too far gone to treat it 'spread far to the bones' and other organs, the most I could expect is maybe a year or two. Death was certain and there wasn't much I could do, maybe I should've checked for it before, the pains, the hard breathing until I slipped out of consciousness but I just thought to suck it up.
Jello was on the table beside me from my hospital bed but I wasn't hungry, I frowned, I was never hungry nowadays.
Watching the rain trickle down the window was something of a calming sense, my breathing was hard and I was a shell of who I was before. I thought I would die standing on my feet gritting my teeth but here I was, wasting away trying to buy as much time as I could with raspy breaths.
I felt so alone, family being dead and all does that to you. I looked up to the white hospital ceiling, the bland tasteless ceiling. Is this where I die? Like a whimpering dog waiting to receive that final notice from death? The rain kept the pleasant noise to my ears as I contemplated what was next for me, death was certain, no way I could escape it. And even if there was a way, what would be the point? My body is sluggish, I'm tired; sleepy and I couldn't move beyond my room door.
I guess in a way I was always going back to the same idea in my head. 'why not just jump off the window?' Sure it would be hard to get everything off me, useless wires and technology wasted on a dying crippling soul like myself.
What was even the point of keeping up the charade of being perfectly okay with this all, I did all I could, and in the end... I couldn't even keep my mind at ease when dying.
I wish mom or dad was here, they'd keep me going; dad would keep trying to motivate me to keep going, no matter what, he was completely against going out without a fight. My mom was more of a gentler soul, keeping that spirit of taking it in and exercising my pain to somewhere else, heh, probably why It took so long to realize I had to go to a doctor.
I felt like I only had one real solution, I tried to lift myself from the bed and felt exhausted almost immediately. I let go and rest for a bit, my breathing was shallow and I felt my lungs barely keeping up.
I coughed up blood, my chest was sore, I was tired, and exhausted. I couldn't imagine keeping this constant cycle over and over while staying awake during the whole process.
If I was gonna die, I would like it to be immediate and not just whittling away to nothing.
I moved my body out of bed, forced myself to keep going, and coughing throughout the whole process, I used all my strength to take out those strings holding me back.
The pain was increasing more and more and although the meds were wearing off the pain was less than it was if I didn't take them.
Nausea was hitting me with rasping breathes fluid was building in my lungs but I couldn't care, the window was a few steps away thanks to the fairly small room.
I trudged through and all I could think of was the reasons not to do this, I could still do something, still make an effort to change something but... what? What is there to change? If I go back now I have to get help replugging everything and one of the helpers is probably coming by to check on me soon. Their routine is fast and efficient but me? Slow, young, but exhausted, tired. I just want to rest and not have to filter out my lungs and movements by machines and beepings every waking moment.
Every step I made the pouring got louder and much more soothing to hear, I always liked the background noise of nature.
I reached the window and opened it by lifting the bottom half up, I peered through and saw the height, I always had a fear of heights and this wasn't any different.
Everything was coming at me at once, the fear of it all. Once I do this... it's over, there's no redo's or going forward. It's so simple to say I want this suffering to end but isn't there another way? Why, why like this? I didn't ask for this!
I was still hesitant on the choice so I climbed halfway, somehow without completely crumbling but with much coughing and chest pain, I had the right half of my body peeking out.
Was this really the only way to go? The meds started to lose effect and I was feeling much more pain and was losing strength.
I was still lost in thought when I was interrupted in the thought process to the door opening.
"I have your me-" the nurse pushed through the door with her back while holding what I assumed to be my meds, she saw my position although to be fair though, it isn't the worst situation I was caught in.
She dropped the platter letting the bottle caps spill out its continents while her eyes grew wide, she was clearly in panic mode.
"Sir! Please come back to bed! You could fall in if you aren't careful and you're weak as is!"
I had a phantom of a smile on my face, she was clearly going for the route of 'you get back in bed and I won't tell' trying to act clueless to the obvious intention of it.
She took slow steps towards me as if I was some panther about to pounce at her.
I decided now was any point to commit, if she got any closer I'd be too slow to react.
"I'm good" I spoke, was that my voice? Those were my words but I spoke in a hoarse whisper. I have forgotten how bad my condition actually got.
My body was slender enough to go through without much effort and I just fell through on the other side.
"NO!" She yelled, pleaded but I already built distance between me mid-air and her on the tenth level for me to change my fate.
I let myself fall in the air, in a weird sense it was actually calming, the water hitting my face with such pleasantness. I felt as though time slowed and I could feel the air vibrate around me as though I was a puppet just free falling.
I slowly saw the nurse peak out her head through the window with such horror, I felt kinda bad for her. I may have just scarred her but not much I could do now.
I closed my eyes and let my life take its final moments into what was left of it, the rain was nice and I'm sure I would die immediately when I reached the floor, all in all, it seemed calm. I can now finally die in peace with no machines making noise or my head swirling, no more need for hunger or sleeping, just peace.
I don't know if it was me or the world but it really did feel like this whole process was going slow. I opened my eyes but was met with a blinding light in front of me, I shunned my eyes with my arm but it felt odd.
What I raised was most definitely not my arm, I most definitely did not have a giant stub as an arm.
I looked towards my other arm and it told the same story, so I had two choices either I was 1. I was drugged so hard and imagined all that or 2. My brain is coming to terms with dying, I chose the latter.
What happened definitely felt real, I never did drugs but I don't think they could make you see and feel all that and that look on the nurse's face... definitely real.
What was weird is I felt my back being supported though, I turned my head to the right to see I was laying on a tree. Not my first pick to wake up in a dreamland but eh, I turned to my front to see my surroundings, a lush green field of endless grass seemingly endless.
So to recap everything, I'm going through a sort of dream before I die, I'm in an unknown grassland and I'm a- I was actually confused on that one, I looked to my arms and looked down to see not my legs but well, hooves? Now that I look at my arms they were hooves too, grey coating. I rubbed my right arm with my left hoof, weird, felt like real fur.
I guess with my brain dying it makes sense, wants to make things feel real so that I might have a- uh. Huh, what was the point of this? To accept death? Maybe learn a lesson? Seems odd though to be fair the whole situation is odd.
The only good thing was that I wasn't weighed down by fatigue or pain, I actually felt refreshed! Better than I ever felt before! I breathed in the air, crisp and warm just the way I like it! This felt so much better! I felt the air cool my coat along with my face, I actually had the energy to spare and was excited.
Something I haven't felt in so long while being stuffed in that room. I moved my ~~arms and legs~~ scratch that, forelegs and hind legs to balance myself on the ground.
I was shaky though, it felt weird using my arms? legs? Hooves, like pillars to keep me up. I fell down and felt like a baby learning to walk, wait... I took a second to process my situation, my hooves were actually small, the tree was big, me acting like a calf learning to walk.
I'm a- baby horse? No, they definitely had a name before- uhhhh foal?
"Weird" I had spoken out of instinct and was surprised.
"I have a kid's voice" So my brain created an out of nowhere grassland with me being a small horse boy in the middle of nowhere.
Why was I a horse? I don't think I liked horses that much, they were just animals. And where am I? Why the middle of nowhere?
Everything about this experience was wrong on so many levels but the bright side being that it was actually peaceful, in the end, my brain actually made something beautiful which I am surprised about.
Nothing in my life has ever felt this truly pure and tranquil at this moment. All I did was close my eyes and felt the wind in my face. Somethings just didn't work out sometimes but they were plenty of gifts, in this moment, I was glad I could keep this one for however how long.
All of this felt real, the breeze of the cold air, the lush green pointy edges on the tips of the grass.
It really did feel real to me, I guess the perks of a dying brain right? I looked back to the tree I was laying behind and saw it was an apple tree.
I tried to snatch one by trying to stand on my hind legs but due to my newborn-like motor functions and being small, it all failed me.
Just like the real world, I tried to get a balance on my legs first, try to get used to them, and while it took a few failings of falling it eventually worked.
But I have still left the main issue at hand, how was I going to get that apple? Sure I could just wait but what's the fun in that? I finally have a body that I can move without fatigue and it might sound weird but a kid's body no less! (Don't take that out of context) With so much boundless energy!
But then again I'm dying, sort of an undeniable truth that this is where I will spend the last few moments of my life. Where will I be afterward? I'm not very religious so I guess this is where I stop.
The final destination before death, it's crazy and I don't think I could really accept it, to be honest. All in all, it's nice, to get some feelings, some sense of reality being peaceful to me, no pains or struggles, no constant warding off the reaper with a coughing struggle of blood filling the bedsheets.
I looked back to one of the lower branches holding that sweet juicy apple. I was lit by the determination to get that juicy reward, I immediately put into action of my new idea of running up the tree. Although in my complete idiocy I completely forgot the motor functions were different and just slipped on the branch and hit my chin on one of the roots in the ground.
The pain was not subtle but thanks to it I learned that my pain tolerance wasn't that of a child take what you can from it. I recovered slowly upright, balancing myself, and contemplated in thought how I would get the apple. While thinking about how I could reach this sweet reward, I heard some footsteps coming up from the other side of the tree, well hoof steps.
Before I could ask who was there the tree had received an impact from the same side with the stranger, and it shook the tree enough to drop all the apples within the branches.
I was able to catch the apple I was aiming for in my hooves, "Thanks," I took a bite out of it and let the taste of juicy crunch fill my taste buds.
"What the-" Random stranger went around the tree to find me happily eating away the apple, said pony was orange with freckles and a cowboy hat well judging from her appearance it would be a cowgirl hat now wouldn't it?
"Well ain't you a far ways from home?" She smiled down at me while I still happily eat what I could from the apple.
"Well ain't you hungry, name's Applejack" she extended her hoof out towards me, I was pretty happy with things going on so I just went along.
I extended out my hoof to reach and meet hers, "name's Alex"
Author's Note
A little more down to earth, realistic story
Every choice is another trouble
"Whatcha doing all the way out here?"
I paused my devouring of deliciousness to respond, licking my lips and around my face to take away the juices on my muzzle."Don't really know actually," I tapped at my chin for a bit before answering it, "Guess I just like the scenery." I kept eating away what was left of the apple.
"Well," Applejack scratched at her head with her hoof which I don't neccesarily know how that works but then again I'm holding an apple with an invisible grip so kind of defeats the purpose of taking the criticism out of it.
"Ain't you a far ways from home? Where are your parents?"
I finished eating the delectable fruit in whole with one final consumptive of it's entirety.
"Don't know and honestly don't care, I'm just gonna ride this one out."
Applejack's eyes bugged out at my response, "Don't care? How could you not care? Your parents could be worried sick!"
I laid on my back on the grass calming myself from the whole surreal situation. I mean seems so real, strange that it would be a horse but eh.
"Because my parents have been dead for a looooong time"
Applejack felt a sting in her heart, she could empathize on the level of losing parents but before she could speak I spoke up.
"wait..." something clicked in my head and I turned to Applejack. "Is this a sort of therapy moment about me accepting loss?" I squinted my eyes and scrunched up my nose.
"Or is this like a 'I got so used to them being in my life and checking up on me that I want my parents in my last moments.' kind of thing?"
This is getting too meta now, "eh whatever, nevermind." I looked back to the sky, it was nice.
"Now hold on a second, how can you just casually throw that your parents are dead? Who's been looking after you?"
This was definitely a more 'wanting parents/closure in my last final hours' well I'll play ball I guess.
"Well, I guess it sorta started way back when I first saw the signs of them slowing down. It's like watching them burn out y'know? Not like uh 'used to be in their prime' kind of thing. More like I was slowly realizing that the people that raised me were slipping y'know?"
I frowned at the thought and memories it was bringing but I guess that's the point.
"I guess in a way I wasn't ready to let them go y'know? Like I know that's expected obviously but it just...hit me you know? Like I was growing and in those years of seeing my parents just- made me want the years to grow slower. It was odd to realize I guess, hard to really see the end of the most important people in your life that have cared for you. Maybe in some sense I didn't want good things to end."
I knit my brow at that statement, "Maybe I sorta realized that went scruffy died, I just wasn't ready to let those memories die y'know?"
Applejack just look confused and uncomfortable at the question. "I uh-"
I continued, "maybe I just couldn't let myself live to that? Maybe in a sense I always knew I'd have to come to that conclusion but stopped to see how I'd do without it?"
I felt like I could actually talk about something close to me for once. Hmm I guess coming to conclusion in delusional worlds were kind of a nice thing.
"Thanks Applejack, you know I realize I've been sorta holding myself back to realize I wasn't okay with death and I just never really sit well with the idea of death since my dog died.
"I uh-...yur welcome?" She was probably completely out of her element, she thought she could give some kind of help and then I sorta just did it myself, heh way to go brain. Outplayed yourself...
I felt pretty smug about that, felt real mature to just have this in the bag, no need for therapy and all that, nope just had to be inside my own head.
...now saying that it just sounds super unhealthy but eh.
While I was letting the natural air come and go with my breathing pattern it seemed Applejack was sorta out of it before shaking her head to ask me something. "...how did you get here then?"
"Hm?"
"You're in the apple orchard and if yur folk's ain't here well...how did you get here?"
I was a bit confused at that, "...OH! This is a sort of 'how'd i come from loving parents and good life to now in my last moments of my conscious' right?"
"W-WHAT?! YUR LAST MOMENTS?-" but before she could finish I just kept rolling with the question.
"Weeeell hm, strange that you would ask me since I mean this is basically myself trying to help me sort out my demons but eh, well I guess I got here by just messing up. I mean-"
"N-now hold yur horses, I don't mean in that fancy smancy talk, what do u mean yur last moments?"
"Well yeah I'm dying as we speak." I said nonchalantly.
Applejack completely stiffened before yelling out, "Y-YUR DYING?! T-this ain't a joke right? I'd be mighty mad if it was!" She spoke in a bit of anger but mostly concern and sadness.
I shrugged it off though, I mean really I'd think I'd be smart enough to tell my own conscious imaginary horse therapists that I'm dying. "Of course it's not, I'm dying"
So odd though, "...I thought that was the whole point of-wait... of course!" I turned my head with a smug smile at Applejack. "I'm in denial!"
Applejack's eyes bugged out, "...pardon?"
"It all makes sense! I mean I didn't think this would happen to me again, I mean could you be in denial about your death? Shit... that's kind of depressing... going through the stages of grief again."
Now Applejack completely felt like this was out of her element.
Author's Note
Sorry for such a long update, I've been uh dealing with my personal life and it's been hectic and hard.
But just between me and you, I'm a sucker for you guys when you want a new chapter sooooo just saying if you guys said you wanted a chapter soon then i guess I wouldn't be able to deny the consumption of more.
Anyway thank you for sticking around.
"Shit the idea alone is pretty scary, could I stay in denial? Is that an option?" I stood up to look at Applejack but she just found this whole thing odd.
"Ah, going have to rule that one out then." Damn, going through the stages of grief again... shit is not going to be nice to go through.
While I was busy investing myself into my own thoughts on how this would work on myself I failed to notice Applejack being stunned in place.
After a few seconds she shook her head to refocus on the most important thing she learned.
"Now hold on, you said you were dying right? Not just cotton in my ears? You're dying?"
It took a bit for me to snap out of my train of thought. "Hm? Oh yeah" then something came to mind and I looked at her dead on.
"W-why are ya looking at me like that." She stepped a few feet back but I didn't respond until a few seconds.
With a huge smile I spoke, "I guess you could say... I'm DEAD serious!" I started laughing enough to flop me to the ground.
She paused to process my joke before looking miffed. "Gosh darnit! I knew you were pullin' my tail!" Her face soured real quick, "It ain't no joke to talk about death like that! I'm gonna give your parents a stern talking to!"
"Oh come on that was like decently funny, I mean you can't let a dying guy joke- wait what are you doing?"
I saw her slowly get closer before she grabbed my ear by her mouth.
With a yank I yelped, "Hey! Wha- Ow! Gives?"
Due to her tugging at me she couldn't pronounce words very well. "Mi'm twaking you to the hospital to swort this out."
"Hey you can't- Ow! Okay okay jeez atleast let me walk on my own- Ow!" I was trying to make her stop yanking me around by my ear but she stopped only to give me a death stare. So I shut my mouth real quick while we moved along, looked like we were in an apple orchard.
"Can I atleast walk on my own?"
"Do ya promise to stay next to me?"
"Uh, yeah? Not like I can go anywhere else."
That hit Applejack in the heart, while she was having a hard time wrapping her head around everything she could tell that and the parent comment was true.
This was weird and that's saying something, as we walked through the grass I found some beauty in the trees, rays of sunshine peeked through the leaves of the trees with some warmth. As I was pulled along I felt in small sliver of warmth as we passed through the peekings of the sun.
I wanted to let myself bathe in it, with all it's radiant soothing warmth. I don't know when I'll give out but I'd like to savor the small bits of sunshine.
We eventually found a patch of dirt that has been smoothed down as a makeshift road, looks to be the main path to the farm. Wait... an apple tree farm?
"Do you guys- just farm apples?"
"Of course' not, we also have cows, pigs and such."
Ah, wait why would I think to wake up in an apple farm?
"So why are we going to the hospital?"
Applejack didn't skip a beat to responding, "I'm gonna ask nurse red heart to look for ya folks' to see if ya got any relatives nearby."
I could get behind that, "Do you think they'll find anyone?"
Applejack was taken aback by the question, "W-what?"
"Like do you think they'll find someone that has some kind of connection to me? I mean that would be kind of cool...make for a good story with drama."
"No offense but, well, yer the oddest colt I've ever met."
"None taken, really I'm just sorta dealing death as i go, waiting to see what kind of direction I'm going to be led, somewhat fearful of it all due to the inevitability of death but eh."
Applejack just stared at me before looking away with a shiver.
As we trekked through the dirt road we finally reached what I assume to be the entrance of the entire orchard. The trees were overgrown, taller than the arching entrance, the sunlight shinning through the canopy and in a moment, I felt a tug at my lips. Something about seeing that bright shining stream of warmth, the leaves brushing softly in the humid air, warm to my newly made fur. Something about seeing the scenery made me stop in my tracks with the nice breeze.
"I thought you said-" I could hear Applejack start but, I was stuck in place, seeing the majestic piece of nature, even if it's fabricated. I found myself relive the moments when I could see the greenery oh so commonly, the liveliness of plants and the nice fresh air.
"Are you okay?"
My focus turned to a leaf, stuck to the tree but slowly losing its roots grip.
"I-"
I kept my focus onto the leaf, the vibrations of the leaf moving as the wind sashays, moving side to side.
"Alex?" The voice was low, from the farm pony of course but- my focus was still onto the leaf, watching it struggle onto the battle of life.
"What's wrong?"
The leaf, in all it's horrible fated defeat, was blown away from it's roots, slowly flowing into the air. As it slowly dawned me, the way of it's hard work blown into the wind, the integral roots that was sat to the side from it's position a couple home. I was left to ponder, what was the point of struggle if the wind keeps blowing? The vibrations that make us flow onto the air and endlessly bend to it's will?
I opened my mouth, words getting stuck in my throat and my head swirling, becoming dizzy but slowly I picked out words, not of my intention but out of necessity to speak.
"Huh..."
I felt that empty void in my heart ache in response to it all and I worry, that it will never be filled.
