Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

“Ward the Princess!” called a sergeant – several of the guards took positions around her but none of the rebels showed any sign of further resistance. All their fight had been extinguished with Jeris’s death.

“Sergeant! Sitrep please.”

The sergeant ran to Celestia and saluted “Your Highness! Combat broke out seconds after you left. Lord Jeris, from the outmost marches, was the traitor. He had a number of armed cronies in among the loyal citizenry. Estimate twenty rebels dead, eight guards and several civilians. I don’t have a count on injuries. There were also turncoats in the palace staff who successfully deployed ADVs on princesses Luna and Twilight. He took advantage of the disruption when you stepped out for cake—”

“Cake?” Celestia cut him off. “I might have simply popped out to check a royal precedent in the annals.”

“Yes, your Highness. There is strawberry royal precedent on your Highness’s royal chin.”

Celestia coughed and wiped her chin.

“Carry on, soldier, I’ll complete your promotion recommendation after the current situation is resolved. Please continue.”

“Jeris was targeting their Highnesses Luna and Twilight. Princess Twilight’s daughter vaporized Jeris and two of his rabble.”

“Three, your Highness. I pushed away the bad stallion and three of his followers.” Gloam had entered the circle of guards and curtsied as she spoke to Celestia. “I ended one other traitor with steel.”

“I see, little one, well done.” She turned to me where I stood further away, “Are all young foals such mages and fighters in your world, Tangent?”

Ponies stepped aside and I approached Celestia.

“Neigh, your Highness, I find my daughter amazing in every way. In my world such deeds are rewarded with knighthood.”

It was true enough, if you you considered the traditions as recent as a mere thousand years before my birth. Which should be ‘as nothing’ to Celestia.

“In MY world, parliament has set a minimum age for knighthood to discourage parents allowing their young into harm’s way in the hopes of reflected glory.”

“Dissolve parliament,” I suggested without pausing to think who I spoke to, “as an emergency measure, while all standing members must go through security vetting before facing re-election. In the mean time, do as thou wilt.”

Celestia was shocked and a little impressed.

“You are a bloody-hooved manipulator of the first order, do you know that?”

“I crave your Highness’s pardon, I spoke too freely. Nor have i washed my soiled hooves after defending the throne of Equestria.”

“Pardon granted.” Celestia narrowed her eyes “I owe you my gratitude for your part in protecting my sister and… ahem, Twilight. But I still don’t know where you fit into the puzzle. You could yet be the fifth corner of the square.”

“Your doubts regarding myself aside, will you have my advice, Highness? I consider this to be important.”

“No doubt my entire staff has important matters, in their own consideration, all the way down to the cloakroom mare. Make it fast.”

“I pray you send scouts along the damage trajectory where Gloam blasted Lord Jeris. Fast scouts. They need to talk to eye witnesses and record their accounts of what they saw before the witnesses start talking to each other and reinforcing false memories that are based on whoever tells the story most powerfully. We need accounts untainted with narrative contagion if we are to have any chance of estimating the amount of energy my daughter summoned. Good record of the extent of the damage cone might help too. I can explain why this is important later but now is our chance to capture the data. Thank you for your time, your Majesty.”

“Sergeant. Make it happen, I hereby activate the Wonder Colts’ inactive regular reserve status, paperwork to follow. Also send ground scouts. They are to question witnesses with an eye to gathering first-hoof accounts, as Mr. Sparkle has described. Major Domo!” the poor chief of staff had just arrived with his clipboard as the Sergeant dashed off. “Pencil Tangent in for two hours of my time some time in the next fortnight. Thank you for being concise. Until later, Mister Sparkle.” She turned as I bowed and strode away with the General.

I nudged Hoovwißt as he took note of Celestia’s instructions. “If you hear report of ponies losing the hair of their coats and shitting blood, you’re gonna need to move that appointment sooner rather than later.” I gave him a grim half smile in return to his shocked look. “We’ll all hope it doesn’t come to that.” I wrinkled my nose to hide the fact that my eyes had filled with tears when I considered the possible implications of Gloam’s blast. Just how much power was involved? I knew nothing of the mathematics involved, only that a small meteor glancing off of Terra’s atmosphere at nearly light speed had released a deadly shower of radiation. The incident had been decades before my birth, but recent enough that I had met people who remembered the deaths. Could Gloam have accelerated the enemies to such a velocity?

Hoovwißt took more notes and followed after Celestia.

“What was that all about?” Twilight asked. “Look at you there, advising her majesty in a crisis! You could end up being knighted.”

“I don’t think she trusts me that well yet, but I did put in that suggestion on Gloam’s behoof and got slapped down for it. But I think you should consider briefing our daughter on what it’s like being her highness’s star student.”

“You protected me and Luna and those mares and foals. What more can she ask?”

“My broken body, dead at her hooves?” I guessed.

“Over my dead body,” said Twilight and her words filled me with unease.

“Twilight, should we—”

“Wait here with Gloam. I was wrong and I need to apologize to Celestia before my mistake stands any longer.”

“Your Highness, your Highness!” Twilight called as she trotted across to where the Princess and the commander conferred.

“Begging your pardon, General, I must interrupt for a moment.” She turned to Celestia. “Celestia, I know there has been a critical situation, but I owe you an apology. I should not have jumped to the conclusion that you intentionally set Tangent up for nine years of suffering and risk to his life. I’m sorry.”

“My dear Twilight, I understand perfectly how it must have looked to you. I made a terrible miscalculation, and based on what you knew it was plausible for you to think I was trying to use the time differential to kill Tangent without getting my hooves dirty. I repeat that I was not but I am painfully aware of how at fault I looked. I was baffled when you appeared before me so full of anger – I expected you to return happy, triumphant, and very relaxed. I thought I would be acknowledging your incredible power today.” Her plans had gone even further; but all was disarray now. “Hence the pressing full court.” Celestia raised her voice, “Tangent Sparkle! Come hither!” Turning back to the General she said, “Ironbeast, go entertain the filly for a few minutes please. I promise you my undivided attention shortly.”

The General saluted crisply and marched my direction. As we passed each other he smiled; his gruff façade fallen once he was no longer in the centre of Celestia’s attention.

A nearby soldier was sweeping small fragments of metal off the floor near the General’s path.

“Arcana Denial Vectors accounted for, Sir!”

“Good work, Private,” he said without looking, and now he faced my daughter.

“Hello, little miss!” he boomed to Gloam “I hear you’re pretty effective with a dagger. Would you like to try swinging a sword?”

“No, sir, I’d rather get better with dagger skills,” Gloam replied, “because I don’t own a sword.”

That's my girl – practical to a fault.

“Gimme yourverbal after action report – tell me how you dealt with the threat. Then we’ll discuss your tactics and what specifics you should learn.”

But I was standing before Celestia and couldn’t spare attention for Gloam and Ironbeast any more.

“Your Highness.” I lowered my head respectfully.

“Firstly, since you are married to my peer Twilight, we will see a lot of each other and you can scale down the obeisance a few notches.”

She waited for me to reply.

“Thank you, um, Princess?”

“That will do. You may be more formal when we have an audience. One that is not half traumatized by your daughter's wild magic surge. Secondly, whatever sins I do own, I wish to tell you to your face that I was not attempting to murder you–no, no reply needed, I am simply telling you. And I hope that being driven to harm yourself was the worst trauma of your exile.”

If Celestia was worried about the cutting then she obviously didn’t know the worst after all.

“Well, there was also a violent rape,” I didn’t say.

I bit my lip – less formal did not mean flippantly obscene. And I could not blame Celestia for the ills I suffered of a corrupt system.

“That was not the worst, Princess. Nice weather we’re having?”

Celestia swallowed hard.

“Indeed,” she agreed, “the weather is inutterably exquisite.”

“Have you abandoned your theories of doom?” Twilight asked.

“Not entirely. But I do believe that if Tangent destroys Equestria, he will not do it on purpose.”

“Never,” I whispered.

“I guess that's better?” Twilight conceded to Celestia’s concession.

“Princess,” said Celestia, “today has gone poorly in more ways than I can name or measure. For now, just get out of this mess and be with your family. That is your greatest priority right now, and it is my command.”

“One more moment, prithee.” Luna entered our circle. “There is a matter requiring attention. If Princeſs Twilight has gat her an heir, the young Lady Sparkle must be preſented to Equeſtria with diſpatch.”

“Yes, Luna, she must. Were not ponies injured, we might do so today.”

In the distance ponies already signaled that danger had ended; a jubilant flourish of trumpets from towers across the city. But even with the active threat resolved, there were injured ponies in need of care. Squads of medics had already triaged the injured civilians and were providing care as urgency dictated.

Across the room, guards were processing the surviving rebels before placing them in custody. They were arrested, searched for weapons, ID’d, checked for injuries, and taken away one by one. The rebel ponies themselves were passive and compliant, as though still baffled by a slow waking. One tawny stallion shook himself, finally clearing his head from an unknown haze. Bursting through the line of guards he dashed towards our impromptu conference. He was headed towards Gloam, but to get at her, he would need to pass a gauntlet mundane, arcane, and determined.

Ironbeast and I were ready to draw steel and three Princesses had spells almost cast; we hesitated seeing that he was unarmed and that his demeanor bespoke something other than an attack.

He skidded to a stop and threw himself on the ground at my daughter’s hooves.

“Miss,” the rebel said, “if I hang for my sins today I deserve it. But at least I die free of Lord Jeris and his goons.”

General Ironbeast nodded to the soldiers. They pulled the captive to his hooves and led him away.

“That,” said Celestia, “puts events in a very interesting light. Go, Twilight, and leave the aftermath to us.”