Author's Note

The last chapter of the year!

We started 02024 (late, due to focus on 3TC in January) with Tanna on the cusp of either suicide or adultery when suddenly Twilight returned. After sordid reunion, the rescue mission went off the rails and it took until September to make it back to Equestria. (September IRL, not story time. In story time, all of our 02024 spanned one week on Terra and fiftine days in Equestria.)

Now our Terran year ends as Tangent settles into his forever home and something like homeostasis descends. But don’t spool the end credits and closing song just yet! In 02025 we’ll experience: pleasure, pastry, pain, postage, pranks, plots, plot, portals, plants, potentialities, pinkness, and ponies, Ponies, PONIES!!!1! Eleventy!

Keep on commenting, everypony.

Luv ya all, it’s gonna be crazy!

151-Royal Tea

The invitation had been very specific. I was summoned to Canterlot Castle for coffee, cookies, and conversation with her highness Celestia.

Alone.

Strangely enough, the event would be called a ‘tea’, despite changing out the beverage for the sake of alliteration. Presumably our ruler’s sense of humor, there.

—

Canterlot castle was an imposing edifice, full of activity, scores of hallways and hundreds of rooms – not a place to get lost in.

The porter admitted me and was ready to let me find my own way; but when I hesitated he summoned a page to guide me.

He had shuddered when he saw who responded to the bell. In spite of this negative tell, Chester was an amiable colt, proudly wearing his junior-page uniform. He also tripped on his own hooves twice in a hundred metres.

“Do you like working here in the castle?” I asked him as I helped him pick himself off the floor.

“Oh, yes sir, it’s the greatest thing ever to happen to me.”

His smile was contagiously sincere.

“Well, Chester, I’d like to make a suggestion if you will pardon my insufferable impudence.”

“Of course, sir, what is it?

“Firstly you can dial back the ‘sir’, unless your boss is in hearing. I’m just a regular pony just like you. Second, I want you to take ballroom dance class – I think you’d do well to be a little more confident on your hooves.”

“I’m kinda a mess around the mares. Nervous and stuff.”

“All the more reason to spend some around some ladies in a non-threatening setting.”

“I dunno, do you really think that would help me?”

“If I’m wrong, you may find me in Ponyville and I’ll reimburse you for the classes. I think you will find that it helps in many ways.”

“Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll try it. Here we are.”

I paused outside the door. One of the guards standing there was the pony I had fought beside during the coup attempt.

“Good to see you up and about soldier.”

“Uh, he can’t chat when he’s on duty,” my guide offered.

“I know that, Chester, my friend. But I am glad to see that he is well enough to be on duty, and I would be remiss not to say so even if he may not reply.” I lowered my voice to a conspiratorial tone that was still loud enough for the guard to hear. “PFC Lamminata was one of the ponies who helped us protect their Highnesses, Princess Luna and Twilight.”

He didn’t so much as twitch a muscle, but without movement Lamminata seem to grow taller with pride.

“Oh, wow!” Chester said. “I hope he’ll tell me all about it when he’s off duty!”

—

I was deposited in a small meeting room where a table was set for coffee, a fresh pot steaming; cookies and sweets waiting. In a moment of harmless OCD I counted thirty six treats on the tray, precious and delicious looking. I wondered if I had time to snack one down before the princess arrived.

But I was only kept waiting a moment before Celestia entered. I didn’t know what to expect; would she be cold and formal, would she still only thinly veil her opposition to my presence in Equestria? I stood and bowed, crumbs on my chin and butterflies in my stomach. Instead she smiled and everything was completely right.

“Welcome, Tangent.”

Her voice, now gentle, matched her smile and serenity swept over me like all the strain and angst and challenging details of being were suddenly so much smaller in the face of her divine compassion. My looming fears anent this meeting were suddenly receding from me.

Her horn lit up and golden magic surrounded the coffee pot; without asking she dropped two sugars in a cup and filled it, leaving no room for cream. A further glow surround the cup, floating it to me; Celestia paused for my approval.

I sipped carefully.

“Perfect, Princess, thank you.”

“Help yourself to as many cookies as you’d like. Though I do see that the dessert kitchen has shorted me again.” Her beautiful smile didn’t flicker for even an instant. “I’ll have their heads for this.”

“Uh, no, your Highness, it was me! They didn’t do anything wrong, I prithee slay them not for my sins. I’m sorry!”

Good humor flashed across her face, but she only said, gently, “My pastry chef’s neck is safe, as is yours. I was jesting, my dear little pony.”

“Uh, so was I, Princess,” I said, lamely.

Now she laughed and I stared awkwardly at the steam rising from my coffee cup as she poured her own.

“Tangent Sparkle,” she said at last, “I’ve asked you here—”

There was a rapid knock and Luna stuck her head in the door. “Sister, sister! Art busy?”

«Can thy need wait?» Celestia spoke to her sister in the Pnakotic adjacent language that Twilight had called Pre-Equiik.

«Yes, of course, but we must tell thee of the dreams, the dreams, the dreams have changed again!»

«We must hear thee, but later, we thank thee for thy patience. This is the first time we have had to have a quiet talk with our friend here and we would fain show him that we art not alltimes the bitch—»

«Highnesses!» I interrupted in the same language «I beg thou, utter not thy inner secrets nor speak over frankly, thy servant understands thee»

“Would you please have a seat with us, Luna dear? The situation changes.” Celestia spoke modern Ponish again. “I can call for some decaffeinated coffee if you like.”

“Gladly, we join thee, siſter. But we will content ourſelf with the good coffee. Beans robbed of their sacred chemiſtry are beneath our dignity, even nigh our slumber time. Black, so pleaſe þee—”

“—like the night,” Celestia completed the sentence with a smile as she poured a third cup. “Now Tangent. Let us table the Jeris incident; we can discuss that little fuss when Luna and I call upon you and Twilight some time soon. For now— ah, yes, Tangent?”

“Princess, I was really hoping to know what has been learned about the attack and rebels.”

“Denied, sir. As you will learn, the Justice Department goes to great lengths not to include the ponies involved in a crime with the investigation thereof. If they have more questions for you, be assured they will ask. That, you see, was going to be the entire gist of our discussion today: explaining that we would in fact not be discussing the details, and allowing time to deal with your objections. If you do in fact wish to object, you can do so later. Today, however, you will please explain how you come to know Pre-Equiik. I can count the number of ponies who know that dire language on my hooves. Three of those ponies are sitting in this room. Did Twilight teach you?”

“No, Princess, I did not learn from Twi’. On the world of my birth I was a scholar and a librarian, a research librarian at the greatest library on the world. We had custody of documents that predate the genesis of the human species. I am one of a the few scholars who can read as well as speak the language of the Pnakotic Fragm—”

“Tangent!” Celestia interrupted me “As you honor the throne I command that you never speak that word in Equestria again!”

“Your pardon, your pardon, I beg you. I did not know it was forbidden! Please know that while the existence of the, uh, fragments is a secret, the word has never been one that we few who know it are loath to say.”

“Mayhap your reach of the universe is older and such primal ills lie more distant. But we hold it unwell to name the ur-genitors.”

“Name it, an thou doſt claim it,” said Luna quietly.

“I shall obey, your Highness.”

“And what are these ‘fragments’?”

“Scraps and tatters of original writings in the Pre-Equiik language. Millions of years old; I studied them extensively.”

“Does Twilight know you speak such an exclusive tongue?”

“Yes, she knows.” I smiled at the memory of surprising Twilight with my knowledge.

“Tell us,” said Luna kindly, “what brings the secret smile to thy muzzle.”

“She called me a «stupid monkey» thinking I would not understand her words, and I told her that «the stupid monkey lives only to serve her Highness» She was somewhat taken by surprise.”

Twilight’s blush had been entirely charming.

“I dare say!” said Celestia thoughtfully. “May I inquire as to why young Princess Twilight should address her beloved with such unflattering terms of endearment?”

“Um, suffice it to say, Princess, I can be most trying at times and I hope my behavior is somewhat improved and such trials are well and truly behind Princess Twilight and I.”

“Thou doſt prevaricate poorly,” Luna observed, “though ‘tis credit to you that you strive to shield Twilight. Truſt us, we have have no illuſions as to whether she be perfect or neigh.”

For a moment I forgot where I was. “…yeah, she’s perfect,” I sighed.

Celestia’s laughter recalled me to the present.

“Thy devotion pleaſes us,” said her sister.

“Pardon me, my mind wandered. Lest I be guilty of lying by omission, its only truthful to mention that my daughter knows a smattering of ‘Pre-Equiik’ too.”

Celestia frowned. “That's not a good thing to put in a young foal’s head.”

“I’m sorry your Highness. In our old home, the knowledge was not considered so dangerous.”

“I understand. Have you and Twilight discussed having Gloam join the School for Gifted Unicorns at the Royal Academy of Magic?”

“Yes, we would be honored if our daughter may study magic under you.”

“It remains to be seen how much personal tutelage I deem she needs; but that academy is regardless the best place for a youngster with her strength. Do you understand that judging the amount of power she was able to evoke, she is likely to be an important unicorn? Ponder that, if you please. But now, if you will please come with me, there are some ponies waiting to have a word with you.”

Celestia stood and led the way before I could inquire. We seemed to be heading towards the throne room; the sisters stopped by a double door, magicked it open, and gestured me forward.

As I stepped through, Celestia shouted out, “Behold, everypony, the stallion who has turned Equestria veritably upside down!”

For a split second I saw hundreds of angry ponies filling the throne room to capacity. Attempting to bolt from the room I found the hall behind me blocked by the sisters. Turning again to face the attack I realized that the strong emotion on the faces of the ponies before me was not anger.

It was…

…eagerness to meet…

…me?

Faster than I could recite paragraph two of the amended third addendum to the Magellanic codicil on the Galactic Council’s Affirmation Of The Rights Of The Sophont (the entirety of which reads, in Standard Terran, “Play nice.”) I was swarmed by stallions wanting to shake my hoof or clap me on the back. Calmer, but no less excited were the mares growing large with foal; their quiet smiles full of secrets, their very flesh aglow with mystic duality.

Everypony was talking at once and I could only pick out fragments of speech.

“…so excited…”
“…best sex ever…”
“…were nervous about foals, but now…”
“…missed his train, and came back home, and wow…”
“…it was so wonderful…”
“…goddess bless you…”
“…gemmology conference was canceled but I had already paid for the room, so my husband joined me…”
“…the condom broke, but we will not be asking for a refund…”
“…our first…”
“…thought that one was enough, but then…”
“…asked if he should pull out and I said no…”
“…we were going to wait until the time was right. Suddenly, it was…”
“…and she said ‘yes’…”
“…hadn’t had a quiet night in years. And the other foals just went to sleep…”
“…we were on the spell, but some other magic interfered…”
“…ee-yup…”
“…my doctor said I couldn’t have foals…”
“…one more isn’t that much more work…”
“…I shouldn’t have even been home that night but my cargo was delayed…”
“…never forget that night…”
“…she said bareback was probably safe, but we’re so glad she was wrong…”
“…how did you…”

It was overwhelming, hundreds of couples, each with their own unique story.

And each story had its own magic – none of this should have been possible.

“Not everypony was able to come on short notice,” Celestia said, “but here are some five hundred of the ponies affected by an unknown magic.”

As they mingled I could see which mare was with which stallion as clearly as if a dotted line connected them.

“Attention, everypony!” Celestia raised her voice. “Mister Tangent Sparkle would like to say a few words to you all.”

“Thanks, your Highness,” I forbore to grumble as the room quieted down.

“Hello everypony!” I tried to think fast what to say.

“Many ponies have asked how this happened – the how is a matter for further research. Based on what the Princesses have told me, it should have been impossible.” Carefully I skated between verity and mendacity that neither Truth nor the goddess would find cause to reproach me. It was true enough that the arcane investigation so far has been inconclusive; on another hoof what the Princesses might tell me would be significantly different were I able to first tell them all that I know. “But regardless of the specifics of how, I want you all to know I am almost as excited as you are.”

“Sir! Sir!” one of the stallions called, “was your family affected too?”

“Please,” I answered, “just call me Tangent. And yes, we were affected too. I spent some time on another world with a different time flow, so my foal is already eight years old. She’s the filly who blew up the wall behind you.” Structural repairs were complete, but the scaffolding remained and there was still cosmetic work to be done.

“Eight years old already?” one mare asked.

“Then… who was the mother?” another asked, before I could answer the first.

“Um, I am! Princess Twilight and I swapped things around a little!”

“You might have kept some of that under your hat, Mister Sparkle,” Celestia remarked quietly.

“Nopony told me to conceal any of this and I not ashamed of my time as a female, no matter what I endured. Your Highness, while Twilight and I conceived our daughter under your watchful eye, every pony in this room,” I gestured wide to include them all, “was doing the exact same thing. Every mare here is my sister, every stallion my brother.”

“And your magical excursion into Twilight’s power united the thousand in strange brotherhood. So be it, I will leave you now. Thank you for coming to tea.”

“Thank you, your Highness,” I said and bowed.

“Was there something more you wished to say?” Celestia asked.

“Only,” I said, “next time instead of having coffee, cookies, and conversation in Canterlot Castle for tea, might we have tea, treats, and talk in the teleosolar tower for coffee?”

Apparently I caught Celestia off guard.

“Eh-what?”

“Symmetric alliteration, sister, he hast reversed thy joke,” Luna explained. “Instead of consuming C-things for convivial tea, he has tendered taking T-things together for coffee, flipping your alliteristic absurdism upon itself.”

“And I see what you did, too, Luna. Whose side are you on, sister? Ah, well thank goodness Twilight’s mate is interesting, perhaps next time we shall switch it up. Good day, Mr. Sparkle.”

I bowed again as she left. As the door closed behind her, I returned to the pleasant pastime of getting to know some of the ponies affected by a magic nopony could understand.

“Everypony,” I addressed them all, “here is a suggestion I’d like to make about naming the foals…”

If ponies agreed with my plan… yeah this was gonna be great.

—

“Under thy watchful eye?”

Pacing beside her sister, Luna questioned Celestia on a detail Tangent had revealed.

“Aye.” Celestia groaned. “Unfortunately.”

“Thou did allow us to believe that you arrived after, ahem, the deed was accomplished.”

“Mostly to spare thee the sordid details. We found them enswapped and ready to embark upon ‘the deed’, as it were. Whereupon we commanded that Twilight remove her princely rod from our presence, meaning that she should restore her well ordered gendation, and she did rather plant the obscene might of her loins forthwith out of sight into Tangent’s coynt. By the time we cast him forth to his home to separate the two, she did, as all have seen, leave somewhat of her masculine self behind.”

“The filly is a delight, and we would think so even an she did not save our own life. But, er, Sister, is not that rather ahaste for the act?”

“Indeed, my virgin dove, it is. The act of congress should properly take far longer than a scant hooffull of seconds. But, we will allow, there are certain circumstances wherein one might forgive a male his undue speed. Having been a female until moments before may well qualify as legitimate excuse for such a nigh instanter release.”

“We see.”

“What was it you wished to tell me? Something about the dream world?”

—

On my way out of the castle I stopped to speak again with the head porter.

“Yes, sir?” he asked.

“About young Chester…”

The porter slapped a hoof to his forehead and grimaced.

“What has he done now?”

“…an excellent colt, sir, excellent! It was a pleasure meeting the young fellow.”

“That pentalevous dolt? He’s clumsy enough for any two and a half ponies,” was the dour reply.

“Nonsense, my dear chap, uttermost codswallop. I expect good things from him and I’m certain you will keep me posted.”