Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Two more stops after Lyra’s place I was on the way home. I met Gloam outside the castle – she was returning from the forest with leaves and twigs in her mane. I panicked briefly, worried somepony or something had attacked her.

“What happened to you?” I asked, considerably calmed once I saw that she was not in distress.

“I found a plant out in the woods, it smells good.”

“And so you just naturally rolled in it?”

A rather compelling scent was wafting off of my daughter – her reaction to the herb she had found was starting to make sense.

“Really good,” she insisted.

I sniffed again.

“Okay, I can kinda understand why you might do that, but we should find out if it’s safe. Let’s ask your father.”

—

“Twilight, Twilight, Gloam’s gone and rolled in some plant she found—”

“Am I going to die?” Gloam interrupted with characteristic bluntness.

“—and we would like to inquire if it is safe.”

“Must be—”Twilight took a breath, sniffing the air around our daughter, then exhaling to take another deep hit of the aroma“—yeah, yeah,horsemint. It’s like catnip for ponies.”

“Is it safe?”

“Yes, it’s safe. Mildly soporific, more than a hooffull of it will prevent memory encoding, utterly impossible to resist, but completely harmless. The world record is one mare discovered a huge patch of it and ate an estimated eleven kilograms of it. Didn’t hurt her at all other than the tummy ache and she had no memory of the entire day and the next couple days.”

“Does anypony cultivate it?”

“What part of impossible to resist wasn’t clear? Nopony even knows how it grows or propagates because it gets demolished as soon as it’s found! Let me see your eyes, Gloam.”

Twilight peered intently into each of Gloam’s eyes.

“She’s fine,” Twilight assured me, “it must have been just a single plant all by itself, or else she would have wandered home in a daze, with no idea where she’d been today. Now go get cleaned up, sweetie, you look like you’ve been wrestling Bighoof, and I can’t have you getting pine needles in Voox’s soup again.”

Gloam hurried off to obey her father without complaint. An angry chef meant no dessert.

“So, did you say there’s catnip here too? Does it work on big cats like Abyssinians?”

“You better believe it. Capper got busted trying to booty-run five hundred grams of pure resin into Little Abyssinia a few years back.”

What a caper – all I could do is shake my head. No wonder he was always in trouble.

—

My next day of work started out quietly enough. Certainly nopony was waiting to jump me on my morning shamble. I did note that the dumpster had been emptied and there was a gratifying lack of any indication of law enforcement activity. Nopony could say that I hadn’t been defending myself, but if nopony noticed, they wouldn't be saying about it at all.

My first delivery of the morning led me back to Lyra and Bonbon’s house with the exact same cargo as my previous trip.

I left the items in the cart while I knocked on the door.

“Uh, ma’am,” I said when Lyra answered the door, “I don’t know if somepony is trying to prank you again—”

“Oh thank you for being so prompt!” she interrupted. “I don’t know who sent the delivery yesterday, but they were a genius!”

“The custard and the …?”

“Yes, of course, of course! The dildo is critical, it will hold the custard in!”

That was far too much information; I brought the delivery up to the house and ran for my sanity.

—

After work Gloam and I ventured into the woodlands beyond Ponyville. The treecover was much sparser than in the infamous Everfree Forest. There were frequent clearings, such as the one we now visited.

Gloam’s patch of horsemint was growing behind the shelter of a fallen tree, where nopony had noticed it. One corner was flattened, but I did not find the complete devastation Twilight would have led me to expect.

The scent was maddening. A fresh smell, green smell, it smelled like it should taste crisp, and bright, and out of the world.

“Does it taste as good as it smells?” I asked.

“Not really,” Gloam admitted.

I nipped the top off of one plant and chewed it analytically. Sure enough, it had little flavor of its own, mild and inoffensive. But the aroma grew stronger as I mashed it between my teeth. The urge to devour it all and roll in it and cover myself with the scent—

I shook myself.

Gloam was watching me closely.

“What?”

“I was wondering if you were going to go bonkers like dad said ponies do.”

“If you could resist it, why do you think I couldn't?”

“I thought maybe it was something about grownups.”

“Ha, rules me out, kiddo!”

“How come we can resist it?”

“Probably because humans have been modified over the years to weed out addictive traits. You inherited the improved genetics from me, and we both retained the upgrade when we turned pony.”

“What should we do with the horsemint?”

“Become famous for documenting it’s growth cycle? I bet that if we could produce it at will, we’d make a killing.”

“Mommmm. Are either of us botanists?”

“No. But we are a couple of tricky little ponies. Let’s sketch up what it looks like, and see what we can figure out about its growth habits.”

The patch appeared to be spreading: smaller plants at the edge must be the more-recent growth and taller plants were thick in the centre. Not only were we able to draw pictures of the mature plants, we also saw what the first leaves on a new sprout looked like despite spring being a good ways off yet. We documented the seed pods, and collected a hooffull of the tiny flat seeds found therein. If the stuff was as irresistible as Twilight said, I wouldn’t be drying bundles of it in my secret room where ponies could possibly smell it, though I might brew up a decoction that could be safely sealed in glass, much like the blandwort extract I hoped to market to my favorite zebra shaman who would know whether there was any safe use for that herb.

“Hey, Mom, do you think Zecora would have any use for horsemint?” Gloam asked, reaching a logical question slightly ahead of me.

“Gloam,” I said, “you know what?”

“What?”

“This is why I like to hang out with the smart kids. That’s a wonderful idea!”

“Can we go visit today?” she asked, beaming.

“I don’t know if she’s back from Zebronica, but we can sure try.”

We gathered a good bundle of the more mature plants, stems and leaves, taking time to strew another hooffull of seeds in another sheltered corner where a new patch might start. Gloam’s pack (“in case I find anything cool”) was stuffed full.

Rather than cut through Ponyville, I led a circuitous route to avoid the risk of ponies smelling Gloam’s cargo and going bonkers.

“We’d better stash your pack in the woods near her house and ask if it’s safe to bring it in. If she’s even home, that is. Ishaz should be able to resist it as well as we can, but I don’t know if Zecora will be able to resist this stuff.”

We kept to the woods, and scurried quickly across any road we needed to cross. Soon we transitioned from spotty woodlands into the deeper shade of the Everfree Forest.

As we slipt through the trees on our way to the hollow tree hut, I gestured for Gloam to halt. I could just hear singing, drawing nearer until we could make out the words.

“…stab, stab, stabby-stab
stab them all, burny-stab
burny, burny, stab’n’burn
fire and blood, burn the world
la, la, la, la-la la
oh, oh, oh, stab them all!
la, la, la, la-la la
O, o, o, Stabital!
O—”

The singer rounded a curve in the path: we had nowhere to hide.

"Oh!” Fluttershy stopped singing. ”Hello, Gloam and Tangent, how nice to see you here. Did you like my little song?”

“It was funny, Miss Fluttershy!” my daughter said before I could stick my hoof in it by mentioning just how disturbing The Stabby Song had been.

“Of course, one might wonder,” Fluttershy said, “what would have ponies skulking around the forest like they were up to no good, hmmm?”

“Well, exactly,” Gloam said earnestly. She appeared to be managing one of Ponyville’s most unsettling ponies very smoothly. “But I’m sure that you have a good explanation for yourself.”

“Oh, um, well, um, I’ve been foraging supplies for the critters.”

I’d personally find that explanation more calming if I didn’t know that some of ‘the critters’ were obligate carnivores. What, exactly, was she foraging?

But Fluttershy was discomfited to have the tables turned on her so suddenly, and Gloam tried to sooth her with warm conversation.

“How many foals are you and Mister Discord going to have when you get married, Miss Fluttershy?” she asked.

It was a nice, friendly, topic and the tone of Fluttershy’s response seemed at odds with the question.

“What?”

“I’m sure he’ll be a great father,” I said, trying to help out. “He’s great with kids.”

“Yeah, he’s fun! And I can foal-sit for you when I’m not away at school.”

This last was apparently too much and Fluttershy rushed at Gloam like she was going to attack.

I stepped between my daughter and the charging yellow mare and got a hoof upside the head for my trouble.

“Hay now!” I protested.

“I told that bastard I’m not harboring his vile grubs in my body!” Fluttershy snarled, trying to get around me. “How dare he enlist you two to try to change my mind!”

“Calm down!” I didn’t know how our harmless chatter had triggered such rage, but I wasn’t letting her near Gloam. “We don’t know what you’re talking about, we were just being friendly!”

Fluttershy charged again, this time using her wings to accelerate. If I hadn’t used a bit of earthpony teluric magic to help me hold my ground, she would have bowled me over when she crashed into me.

“Go friendly yourself in the ass with a stick!” she shouted. “Discord should know better than to ever mention foals to me again.”

“He didn’t have anything to do with this, we were making conversation and you go get all psycho!”

“Bullshit he didn’t—”

Something sailed over my shoulder and smacked Fluttershy right on the nose. It was a hank of the horsemint we had collected.

Fluttershy froze as the smell penetrated her anger. A moment later she was snarfing the herb down, oblivious to Gloam and me.

As soon as the first clump was gone, Gloam started to get ready for another throw. Before she could, Fluttershy charged again and this time she used her wings to sail over my head. Gloam wisely dropped her pack and retreated.

Instead of opening the top of the pack, Fluttershy took the literal shortest route and tore the bottom open with her teeth. A moment later she had a large enough hole for most of her entire head to disappear inside, with the sound of munching emerging.

“What do we do now?” Gloam whispered.

I wasn’t sure, either.

So I sat on her.

I’m not a big pony, but neither is Fluttershy, and with her head buried in Gloam’s pack, she was ill prepared to fight me off. Instead of struggling she continued to gulp down horsemint.

If we kept her immobilized until the herbal effects kicked in, the conflict would be over.

By the time the last of the horsemint was gone, it was in full effect and Fluttershy was dazed and giggling, poking her nose out the top of the damaged pack. She didn’t even try to stand when I got up.

Gloam retrieved her ruined pack and Fluttershy just lay there blinking – she looked up, seeing Gloam and me staring at her.

“Hee, hee, hee, I lost my shit again, didn’t I?”

Hay, at least somepony thought it was funny.

I touched the side of my face. I was bruised and my hoof came away bloodied – Fluttershy laughed louder at that.

She didn’t even mind that the horsemint was gone, she was too wasted to care now.

“Sor-ry,” she said in a very unrepentant sing-song.

“You know, who you really owe an apology to is Discord. You assumed the worst about him without evidence, and you disparaged him in front of his friends. Can you imagine how hurt and embarrassed he would be?”

Despite her intoxicated state, my words reached her and her mood flipped.

”Oh, Dissy, I’m so sorry,” she sobbed, suddenly inconsolable.

From above came a sudden streak of azure and Rainbow Dash landed nearby.

“What happened here?” she demanded.

“We asked Fluttershy about her plans for foals with Discord and she flipped out.”

Dash smacked her forehead.

“D’oh! Didn’t Twilight warn you guys not to mention foals? Party foul! Is Fluttershy okay?”

“She charged me and then we—” I started.

“She ate a bunch of horsemint and now she’s too high to fight,” Gloam glossed over the source of the vegetative fight ender.

Fluttershy was still weeping, looking up with huge, sad, eyes.

“I’m a bad pony,” she said, heartbroken.

“Yeah, I can see she’s wasted. Listen, listen—” Dash herded Gloam and me a few lengths away from Fluttershy and lowered her voice to a whisper “—guys, listen, ‘Shy is my bestie from school. Please don’t tell anypony she did this, okay?”

“I want to talk to Twilight, but otherwise, not a word.”

“No rat,” Gloam agreed.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it. I’ll take it from here, it’s not the first time I’ve had to haul her weepy ass home.” She trotted back to Fluttershy’s side. “I got you, you big yellow dope. Can you stand?”

“Let’s skip zebras for now,” I said as Rainbow helped Fluttershy to her hooves. “We need to go talk to your father.”

Solemnly she nodded her agreement.

—

“Uh, Princess?”

“Hi, Dad!”

Twilight was reading when we returned to the castle.

“What happened to you two?”

“Fluttershy,” Gloam said.

Twilight waited for more information.

“So apparently she doesn’t want to have foals,” I said.

“Yeah, I knew that.”

“We didn’t. And we voiced the opinion that Discord would be a good father.”

Twilight smacked her forehead.

“D’oh!” she said. “You didn’t.”

“It didn’t go well.”

“So I see. Lemme get your face taken care of.” Warmth and magic flowed through her touch, and the pain in my face was soon gone. “Gloam, do you need anything, honey?” When Gloam shook her head, no, Twilight asked, “What happened?”

“Full on beast mode, it wasn’t pretty. Then we fed her a buncha horsemint until she was too dopey to fight any more.

“How did you do that?”

“She was trying to get past me towards Gloam and Gloam chucked a bunch of it right at her. Once her attention was on the mint, we fed it all to her and she chorked it down.”

“But how? I mean, if you and Gloam had horsemint, wouldn’t you have eaten it first?”

“It, er, doesn’t work on us,” I confessed. “We harvested some, Gloam’s pack was full of it when Fluttershy attacked.”

“What?”

“It smells really good,” Gloam said, “but we can resist.”

“You rolled in it, yesterday,” Twilight pointed out.

”That was a first-timer mistake. I know better now.”

“How can you two resist, Tangent? Why?”

“Do you remember doing cocaine at the dance club on Terra? That stuff used to be addictive to humans. The government gave all kinds of drugs away for free for centuries until the addiction trait Darwinned itself out of the gene pool. (And it’s not free anymore!) Apparently it holds true other recreational chemicals, for us, even though we are ponies now.”

“Ok, ok, now I understand how Gloam had a pack full of horsemint. What happened then?”

“Rainbow Dash showed up, and she’s taking care of Fluttershy.”

“Good move, leaving her with another pegasus. Dash in particular, since they’re close. And Dash won’t blab about her bestie going berserk again.”

“‘Again,’ she says,” I said. “I really hope Fluttershy doesn’t remember any of this.”

“She won’t, not after eating that much. She’ll probably lose all recollection of today, and if she’s got a tummy full of it, tomorrow might not register very much on her memory either. Do you want to make a complaint?”

“Not really, Princess. Not unless you think there’s some way that doing so is going to help her with her anger issues.”

“Nuh-uh, not when she won’t even remember what she did. It’s not going to Discord any good either to drag her into court.”

“I think we let this slide. Agreed?” I asked Gloam.

“I agree,” she said. “But that was kinda scary at first.”

“That was smart, using the horsemint,” Twilight said. “Speaking of which, if you can resist it, why were you packing a bunch of it around?”

“We were going to see if Zecora was back, and ask if she has any use for the stuff.”

“Hmm, I don’t know enough shamanistic potioncraft to know if it’s useful to her, but you do need to get a Forager’s Permit if you’re going to be supplying her with dangerous herbs.”

“Can I get one, too?” Gloam asked.

“’Fraid not, until you’re older. But I’m sure you can go foraging with your mother.”

“You sure can!” I said with a grin. “And I guess we’ll get you a new pack before you start classes.”

“Can I fix this one?” she asked. “If I patch it with different fabric inside the tear, it’ll look hella battle hardened!”

I looked to Twilight and Twilight shrugged. Gloam was good to go.

“Hey, Twilight,” I said, “since the horsemint is such a hit, there’s also a Terran plant called horseradish, and I’m going to try to get my hooves on it. Do you wanna try it when I get some?”

“We have horseradish, Tangent, I know what it is,” she said.

“Just in case, we should compare notes to make sure we’re talking about the same thing. I can make you a big ol’ sammich of it, and you can let me know if it’s the same stuff.”

“No need, I can describe it just fine. Horseradish is particularly pungent, almost... rancorous.”