Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

As I clocked off work the next day, Gallry wafted by to talk.

“I heard back from the stores where Widow Haldred shops at. We can get her some supplies tomorrow.”

“Great! I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I’ve only got you on morning routes tomorrow. You can take a long lunch and do her stop last, in case you need any extra time. Have a good afternoon, Tangent.”

“Got it. ‘Afternoon, boss.”

—

“I always assumed that someday I was gonna have to do the scary big brother act for some poor pony who wanted to marry Twily, but it’s obviously too late for that.”

Shining Armor and I were each on our third beverage before he spoke to me. Other than the spare invitation, “You. Me. Booze,” uttered on the sidewalk as I left work, he hadn’t said a word until now.

“It’s good to finally meet you. I know if I don’t make a good impression on Twilight’s favorite brother she might divorce me.”

I had followed without question, matching him drink for drink as we sat at The Thirsty Groundwalker, a working class drinkery in the light industrial zone of Ponnyville.

“Funny pony,” he said. “I don’t think my opinion carries that much weight any more. ‘Sides, you haven’t said anything I object to yet.”

I kept my mouth closed, lest I inadvertently say something he objected to.

“Twily never told me how you two ended up married. I’m guessing she did her little forbidden sexual switcheroo spell, knocked you up, a secret wedding at the justice ‘peace, and then you got bounced into another time stream?”

“Close,” I said, giving thanks and payment to the bar stallion who had delivered another round on my shout. “You got the sequence wrong. Her Highness married us while your sister was knocking me up.”

“Crazy shit, pone. That kid sister of mine has more magic in one fetlock than the entire arcane branch of the military. Did you know she once accidentally gave our mother a mustache and turned my mane into a patch of flowers? I think Dad managed to dodge that one. This was when she was like, I dunno, six or sumpthin.”

“We don’t use magic much where I came from, so pardon me if this is a dumb question. When a foal messes up like that, do you have professionals to fix it? Did your mom have to go to a magic doctor to fix the ‘stache?”

“Fix it? She still has it!”

“I call bullshit. I’ve met your mom.”

He chuckled.

“Sure, sure, there are professionals that fix junior magic mishaps. But since mom and dad are both skilled magic users, they would usually work with Twily and help her fix her own messes. I think that’s part of why she’s so crazy good at magic in addition to just being batshit powerful. All that practice fixing her own dang mistakes ended up teaching her way more than big brother who never caused so many problems in the first place.”

“That’s cool. Your parents are really nice.”

“Well I like them,” Shining said, and then added, almost conspiratorially, “but then again, they raised me.”

“No, I’m serious, in spite of that, they’re great ponies.”

“Smartass. What about your family?”

“Uh, pretty dysfunctional. I’ve only met my sire once. My dam was awful when I was a kid, but just before I came back to Equestria I ran into her and I guess she’s doing better with treatment and therapy. I haven’t talked to any of my sisters in years.”

“Sisters, huh?” He nudged me with a conspiratorial air. “Do they screw?”

“I imagine so, if you can afford it. They’re all courtesans like my mother. Maybe not quite as expensive.”

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Big weather, huh? How about that sports team? Doing thething with a ball?”

“I played hoofball in high school but I don’t follow professional sports, pone.”

“Me neither.” I drank again. “Obviously.”

I had my back to the TV showing what was apparently the big game and hadn’t even glanced at it.

“Cady wanted me to get Twilly to break up with you.”

“What?” I sputtered, spraying beer but missing Shining. “Lady Hel bless me, why in her name does she want that? And why would you even tell me that, dude?”

“Because I want my sister to be happy. What do you know about my wife?”

“Well, I had always thought that she was in charge of family type love, and sweet, innocent, romantic love, but unless Twilight has been pulling my tail, it sounds like her role is a lot more sexual.”

“You could say that things around her get pretty moist,” he observed dryly. “I think the only reason she got with me is because she wanted access to Twilight, to match-make for Celestia’s star pupil. I already was crazy for Cady and somehow she ended up falling for me, too. She still lays anything that moves, but I’m the one she sticks with. She’salso driven to micromanage ponies’ relationships, but if she thinks she can mess with Twilight’s love life, I think she’s in way over her head. Twilight’s magic is further above Cady than Cady is above somepony like me. Trouble is, some ponies aren’t always forthright about the games they play, and for you to survive this game, you need to know what you’re up against.”

“Thanks for the intel, you’re a good pony, Shining. Did she really think she could make that choice for Twilight?”

“Unfortunately, yes. I’ll tell you sumpin. You have to swear by yer balls not to repeat this.”

“I hate secrets.”

“Okay, so don’t swear. But if you repeat this, there will be negative outcomes. Can we agree that you don’t want to do that?”

“Yessir.”

“Belay the ‘sir’ shit until you join the buckin’ army, okay? Anyway, shortly before I think she took up with you, I’m telling you that I totally caught Twily checking me out.”

Ouch. He had noticed, but I wasn’t about to confirm that he was correct.

“I didn’t say anything at the time, but when I talked to my wife hoping for some understanding and wisdom, her reaction was approval. She wanted to recruit Dad too, so he and I could give sis a ritual ‘breaking in’.”

“That’s messed up, dude.”

“Yeah, I put my hoof down that time, and she’s still pissy about it. Cadance considers herself to be the final arbiter of consent, but I thought that was over the line.”

“Agreed. But I refuse to accept Princess Mi Amore as an enemy. If she thinks she knows anything about love, well she better just watch the Princess and me, we’ll show her what love means!”

“I’ll drink to that. Two shots!” he shouted, “make’m doubles!”

The bartender was on the spot with two large shot glasses, filling them to the top, although Shining hadn’t said with what.

“Cadance is a good pony too, she’s just wrong this time. You and Twilly.” He raised a glass.

“Twilight and me,” I agreed.

The anonymous liquor seemed to be some kind of sour mash whiskey, somewhat on the young side. I shuddered as it went down in one gulp. I might have been starting to feel the effects of the beers I’d had, but now I felt invigorated, shrugging off any trace of my former intoxication.

“Not bad. What was that?”

“Dunno. Some kind of hill-style oat whiskey, I’d say from the taste. You can visit any small town bar in Equestria and just ask for a shot without saying what you want and you’ll get some local concoction. Usually about eighty proof; probably doesn’t have a name, or a tax stamp.”

“Whoa. Gotta catch them all.”

“That’s right,” he chuckled, and stood. “Hey, sorry to ditch you, pone, but Imma go stink up the john. Had a thirteen layer seven layer burrito for lunch. Back in a while.”

“Say hi to Shiutlnoozleweynq, the Aztec god of flatulence,” I joked, lamely.

“You clearly haven’t had enough to drink. Buy yourself one on my tab.” He raised his voice. “Lenny, I’m buying him a drink on my tab. And pour me a another beer in about twenty minutes, I’ll be back.”

I probably wouldn't have bothered but the bartender was still right there and ready to take my order.

“What’ll it be, sir? His tab.”

The bartender smirked, assuming I’d pick something fancy.

“Bring me one of those tankards, full of the house booze, and some lemon wedges, please.”

Lenny was intrigued, but delivered the order without question.

“Let me show you how this is done.”

I tipped my head back, lemon at my nostril and tankard at my lip. Slowly I squeezed the stinging lemon juice into my nose and began to drink…

—

…galloping flashing gems red and blue police siren shortcut unfamiliar alleyway doubling back crouched under a wagon as the patrol rush past night is silent again fading to song and raising another tankard…

—

“…are you going to work today, or should I have somepony call you in sick?”

“Behhh urg mmndt,” I groaned as articulately as I could.

“Should I call you in dead?”

I was sure I was hearing Twilight’s voice, but I didn’t remember returning to Ponyville Castle, nor dying and going to heaven. The dying, I could believe.

“I gotta run,” she said, “but are you okay? My brother poured you into bed about an hour ago. When he stopped by the castle before picking you up yesterday, he said you guys would be out late – it’s almost time for you to get up. I think he’s still got his head in a toilet.”

“Yeah?” I croaked.

“Technically, even though you blacked out, that probably means you won.”