Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

“Leoooooo!” I squealed and jumped up so I could throw my arms around his neck.

“She loves me!”

I kissed his cheek.

“She loves me!” I repeated, and kissed his other cheek.

“And she admitted it!” I squeezed him once more and stepped back. “Uh, I guess that means that I…”

“Normally I’d say no fair throwing yourselfall over me and not following through, but I’ll let it go since you have an actual official relationship—” he paused “—and I do too!”

“Wow, great! Did you hooked up with that Avani lady? She break up with the other dude you told me about?”

“Hook up, yes. Break up, no. (I told you, his name is Dylas.) And no, none of this is weird at all, you little freak.” But he smiled and tousled my light purple hair. “Nice dye job, I can’t even see roots.”

“Woah, vee or triangle? And it’s magic not dye. I’m finally learning the craft. Practice?”

We now held blunt edged dummy swords.

“Vee, definitely vee.” He raised his blade, gestured for me to attack. “She’s, uh, having him tonight. And I know that the guy who is in love with a purple pony is not going to give me a bad time about sharing the most wonderful woman in my world.”

“Not after the way you and Twilight were sharing me! I’m not that kind of hypocrite.”

“That was a one time thing, and a bit of a misunderstanding. I thought you were cool with it. I thought it was your dream, not hers.”

“I am totally cool with it with you sweetie – I only panicked for a moment when I didn’t know who was back there. As it was I put aside my fear and enjoyed it while I tried to please my princess.”

Leon grimaced.

“You should try it.” I quipped “while you’ve got the opportunity.”

“If miss Avani wishes to be entered by myself and Dylas both at once,” he said softly, “I will obey her need. But I will not propose such a tryst.”

“I meant you in the middle, silly,” I laughed.

Leon shuddered but did not dignify the suggestion with a reply. Instead he focused on a beating attack; I backed away and parried frantically. When my sword flew from my hand he formally touched my chest with the tip of his.

“My point. Tell me how things are going with pony. She was not exactly a paragon of kindness when I met her, but you say she loves you?”

I sighed at the confusing memories as I retrieved the weapon, my magic pulling it back to my hand before it even hit the ground. “It’s a weird story, man. I haven’t even told you some of the stuff she put me through. But I gotta tell you the new stuff. Put on your father confessor hat.”

“I’m retired,” he said. “Laid-off, if you prefer. My deity eliminated my priestly role to protect me from the risks of protecting her. And, yes, I am fully aware of the painful irony of that statement. Your point, nicely done.” I knew damn well that in a real fight, he could use his left hand nearly as well as his right.

“Yeah, I know, man, pardon my flippancy I’m still totally giddy. Anyway, she cast a nightmare spell, which I guess she stole, on herself to hide from the feelings she didn’t want to confront. After she’d been trapped for days in a dream full of rapacious tentacles, I got sucked into the nightmare with her. We talked in between tentacle sex attacks and ended up giggling a lot and having a tentacle sucking contest. Giving a rape monster blowjobs together is a normal way of celebrating the start of a relationship, right Leon?”

“Yeah, no. That’s pretty unique, but props for getting creative with the resources at hand, bro. Personally I would have recommended a café, maybe a bottle or three of wine.”

“Tentacles were indeed resources at hand, as you said. And at ass. And at mouth.”

“If you say so.”

“Are you going to admit you were wrong?”

“Are you? Nobody should tolerate abuse. Your example of ‘the power of true love’ could get someone killed.”

“But I was right in the end!”

“You were wrong to follow that path to the end. Enabling an abuser usually ends poorly.”

“Okay, listen Leon, she hasn’t explained everything to me, but there was some kind of magic or something messing with her head. She says she wants to tell me about it when she feels brave enough.”

“I concede that this might make it less cut and dried than you had led me to believe. But did these malign influences make it impossible for her to do the right thing, or merely more difficult?”

“I don’t know, man.”

“Nor do I. Do you think you will be able to be with her in real life? Or just magical dreams?”

“I don’t know for sure if that is possible, if she has that much power. I know she’s insanely good at magic. I stepped into her world for just a minute and I think it was real and not a dream, so maybe its possible. Hey, hey, I gotta tell you about this…”

I recounted what had happened on my brief visit to Equestria, the goddess speaking through Fluttershy’s body, demanding secrecy. I told him everything, receiving a number of hits as I did so. And landing some too.

“The point is, buddy, I would do anything for Twilight’s sake or for the good of Equestria—” I parried after a feint that would have tricked me just a few months ago “—but I don’t want to be used against her.”

“Be wary, of course.” said Leon “I think it is more likely that the being you spoke to truly means good. But without full disclosure, how can we know? Trust but stay alert. I’d suggest you tell this princess of yours that you have a secret that you have been told you must keep for the good of the realm. She should understand. And her insight may be the saving of you if you are deceived to ill ends.”

“Wise counsel, thank you.”

“Or at least if it all goes to shit she’ll know you did not betray her on purpose as fire rains from the sky and Equestria sinks into the sea.”

“And that's a really chilling thought. I hope talking to you wasn’t a violation of her command.”

Leon formally raised his weapon vertical, signaling the end of the bout, then stabbed his practice sword into the ground.

“C’mere,” he said, taking my hand when I stepped closer.

Leon guided my hand to his groin, with his free hand he cupped my testicles as I held his.

“L- Leon?” I stuttered, my heart pounding.

“I swear,” he said, looking into my eyes, “I swear by my balls that I will protect your secret with my life. I call upon Lord Ventu to witness my oath, I swear before—” he spoke the name of the pony goddess with due circumspection.

“Amen, and thank you, Leon.”

It may have been accidental, but he caressed me lightly as he pulled his hand away; I had not yet removed my hand.

“You gonna miss me?” he smirked, his gravity of only a second ago replaced by bawdy humor.

“Yeah, I think I kinda am.” My hand still hadn’t moved. “But not too much!”

“You fuckin’ goof,” he chortled. “But seriously, have you ever been with a woman in real life?”

“Never, bro.”

“Okay, listen. Honesty, patience – absolutely critical. You know that much right? Bah, someone is waking me up. One more thing – even though she started things off with you as a purely physical thing don’t assume unlimited access to her body! Let her set the…” he was fading out of the dream.

“…pace.” I guessed the last word for him. “Good insight Leon!” I called.

—

Leon shook Dylas’ arm from his shoulder as Tangent's last words faded from his ears.

“Are you here early to gloat? Our patrol doesn’t start for a quarter hour and I can be ready in three minutes!”

It took him four minutes, slowed by the bruises from a night’s sword practice, distracted by the memory of the awkwardly intense parting.

“That kid,” Leon mused to himself as he jogged to the city gate with Dylas, “that dumb kid just might be alright after all.”