Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

“You actually hired a lawyer?” Celestia asked when she saw Twilight and her companion enter the courtroom.

“Nopony will be able to say you sent me to the oubliette without competent defense. Even in my guilt I protect your reputation.”

“I won’t be sending anypony anywhere, I recuse myself from the case due to my close ties to the defendant. Justice Harshwhinny will hear the case.”

“Ohshit,” Twilight blurted. She had assumed Celestia herself would pronounce judgment upon her – and she had not expected her mentor to go easy on her. “I mean to say, her absolute impartiality is well known. And respected. And feared.”

Before Celestia could reply the Bailiff hollered, “All rise! Her Honor, Judge Harshwhinny, presiding!”

“Be seated,” Harshwhinny said as she sat. “Miss Sparkle, you are familiar with all the charges against you from the prosecution’s filings?”

“Yes your honor.” Twilight made eye contact with her counsel (he nodded) and steeled herself. “I’d like to plead guilty to all charges and get this over with.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself. We’ll go through them one at a time. But first I want to know why. Few ponies know better than you the dangers of unregulated magic. Please explain to the court why you circumvented the protections surrounding a very dangerous spell scroll?”

“Your honor, I object.” Twilight’s lawyer nodded again as she spoke. This was exactly what they had planned despite the unexpected change in adjudicator. “Because I will be pleading guilty to the actions I am accused of, the question of motivation is not germane to the issue of my guilt.”

Her Honor considered Twilight’s argument, but before she could give a determination, Crown Counsel rose. “If we submit the charge of treason, intent, as well as action, becomes a relevant avenue of inquiry.”

Celestia frowned but said naught. She couldn’t understand why Twilight had trifled with such an evil spell but she did not like the hardball angle Crown Counsel was taking to find out. ‘Progressive rule’ or no, a fully independent Crown Counsel was sometimes an unlubricated pain in the plot.

“You are out of order.” Harshwhinny was stern. “Any shenanigans regarding capital charges should have played out before you reached my courtroom. If we had had a jury seated simply mentioning treason would have been grounds for the defense to ask for a mistrial. For now, this session is adjourned until I can discuss the admissibility of intent in camera. Bailiff, bring Miss Sparkle to my office in fifty minutes time, I have some case law to look up first. If you can’t convince me that my question is inadmissible I will have no choice but to find you in contempt unless you give answer to the demands of the court.”

—

When Twilight arrived, Miss Harshwhinny had removed her robes and wig to reveal a crisply businesslike suit, exactly two shades darker than her coat. Volumes of case law -precedent stretching back over a score of centuries- was spread out on her desk.

“Twilight, I’m sorry to be meeting with you, of all ponies, in this venue. Lets get this hammered out. Anything we discuss here is in absolute confidence. I am subject to stricter privacy requirements in that regard than even your counsel. Now spill it. Give me a reason why your motivations -regardless of what they were or which charges you plead to- should be off limits to inquiry. I’ve been doing my research, and I will accommodate you if the law supports it.”

Twilight took a deep breath.

“Your Honor, I do not wish to embarrass the crown with formal inquiry,” she had Harshwhinny’s attention for sure, “but it is my belief that I was receiving libido suppressant medication without my knowledge, probably starting around the time of my puberty. When I confronted my court physician and ceased the treatment, um, things got a little hairy, I did some dumb stuff, but I ended up meeting a male my own age.”

“A ‘male’?” Harshwhinny interrupted. “Not a stallion?”

“His species is generally considered, incorrectly, to be a mythical creature – a ‘human’ like in dreadful fairy tales. But precisely what he is doesn’t matter viz my crimes. While I was confused about my feelings I stole Luna’s spell in the hopes of forgetting about him in the nightmare world. I didn’t realize it was a trapped spell, I was being foalish and impulsive. And I certainly would not have left a dangerous spell unsecured if I had not ended up in the hospital. I’m just glad the scroll was destroyed when Luna broke the spell to rescue me.”

“I see. So her Highness’s infamously chaste ingénue abruptly discovers she is a mare with needs.”

“Infamous?”

“I don’t suppose you read Gnus of the World or the National Esquirer?”

“The tabloids? Goodness, no, your honor. Why would you read such drivel?”

“It’s a purely functional vice, I assure you. Reading something even more stupid than some of the arguments brought before me helps me maintain my professionalism. Be that as it may, you’ve featured in their pages as an inaccessible heartbreaker more than once.”

“Humph. Due to the chemicals coursing through my bloodstream I was effectively under-aged despite my actual calendar age. Any brokenhearted assholes can shove it.”

Harshwhinny chuckled. “Do you still wish to forget the fellow?”

“No your honor. He is my life. I just need to deal with the fallout from my mistakes and move on with life. With him. Hence my intent to plead guilty to my crimes. My only reticence is that I must not reflect ill on her highness. And that is why I will not testify regarding my reasons.”

“If the shoe fits…” Harshwhinny began.

“Your honor, surely you have seen that I am quite, shall we say, fanatical. Equestria is my religion and Celestia’s throne my altar. Allow me to point out that while the charges I face include some stupid and illegal stuff, none of it put her at any risk. My worst crime towards her highness is that I put her valuable tool, my person, in harm’s way. If she has diced with my life, I choose to forgive her and there will be no public spectacle on my account.”

“Does her highness know of your discovery? Or what an expenditure you make of yourself to spare her the scandal?”

“No,” Twilight said. She spoke softly now, like she was lost. “I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like an accusation.”

“Do you have any idea why you were medicated without consent?”

“No clue, your honor. I don’t know if I did something sexually inappropriate when I was so young that I can’t remember it, or if she was raising me to be some kind of virgin sacrifice.”

“Too late for that, eh?”

“Well and truly.” Twilight couldn’t resist a smile at the memories and then she sobered. “I might have ruined decades of her effort.”

“Her Highness has lived long enough to spare a few decades. And if her little project is your life, what about your own right to self determination?”

“I don’t know. I just want to be with Tangent and worry about the questions of the ages later.”

“Point taken, Princess. If you’d like to talk about your relationship situation outside of my official capacity, you can look me up any time of the day or night and I can promise you a sympathetic, discreet, and dare I say it—” she grimaced self-effacingly “—somewhat experienced ear. In my official capacity I sustain your argument: your motivation is not relevant to the specific charges Her Majesty’s Crown Counsel has actually brought before me. Precedents set by the last King’s law master clearly delineate the avenues of questioning that are opened in a treason case. To be clear: if treason had been on the docket you would endure questioning on your motivation and you would answer under duress of contempt. I will announce this in court tomorrow. If the crown, or rather her enthusiastic counsel, wants to bring charges of treason into the mix they will need a legitimate reason to call for a mistrial to bring forth new charges. This is your hint to make certain your side does not give them justification to plead mistrial.”

—

The next morning in court her honor announced her decision, and naturally Crown Counsel objected.

“Your honor, I object. We expected freedom to question the accused!”

“And I expected you to follow proper legal process. For simple charges of magic misappropriation, and the related charges you filed, the law does not compel the accused to give a reason for their actions. You may ask any pertinent question you like about actions, not motivations.

“This is outrageous!” Crown Counsel smacked a folder down on the table.

“This is the law. It is a rather fine point of law I’ll grant you, but one I expect you to follow. Furthermore, thirty metres straight down beneath our hooves in the eternal stone of Mount Albion—” the courthouse stood on the shoulders of the same mountain that supported Canterlot Castle “—is a row of cells. One more outburst and I will allow you the privilege of spending forty eight hours in one of them meditating on courtroom etiquette.”

“I apologize for the outburst, your honor.”

“Be certain you do not do it again. You may proceed if you are ready.”

“I pray the court grant a short recess.”

“Granted.”

—

When the recess ended, further objections were fairly heard but each was overruled.

One by one the charges were read and Twilight plead guilty to each.

“Trespass?” Judge Harshwhinny looked at the Crown Counsel

“Yes, your Honor.”

“Well that’s a far cry from capital treason. Scraping bottom, eh? Princess Luna, regarding the charges of trespass in your chambers and magic collection. Do you wish to press this charge?”

“Neigh, your honor, I decline to press charges.” Luna spoke without her typical plural. “But I do pray this court grant permission to apply a firm noogie to the defendant’s purple scalp.”

“Objection, your honor!” cried Twilight as she put her forelegs up to protect herself.

Legate Dewy whispered in her ear.

“Um, objection retracted, your honor,” she said in a small voice.

“Any noogies in my court will be provided by the Bailiff. And neither plaintiff nor witness nor victim is outside the scope of his duty.”

—

During the sentencing phase, the Crown Counsel asked “Princess Luna, you’ve heard the defense account of what happened to your cursed scroll. Can you give your expert opinion to the court?”

“Your Honor,” said Luna, “I would describe the defense theory as entirely possible, to be frank I would personally opine it likely, but currently unprovable. It certainly took a significant exertion for me to free the defendant from the trap – based on my personal experience and professional knowledge of breaking spells this could indeed have destroyed the spell scroll, and we do point out the evidence of the charred parchment that was found. I do not have enough information about it to tell you how we could know for sure. The full nature of Starswirl’s spell was unknown and he is not available for meaningful questioning. Hence my storage of the scroll in what I thought to be a secure location.”

“Anything more?” Harshwhinny had detected a slight hesitation in Luna’s testimony.

“So please it Your Honor, we pray thou order not the bailiff to noogie us for for our insufficient security.”

“Your Highness, your security was compromised through a violation of trust. That is beyond the competency of this court and must be addressed within royal circles. I will address the legal penalties; whether trust can be reëstablished is another matter entirely and outside the purview of my bench.”

In the end, Twilight’s sentence included an indefinite prohibition against using dream magic, community service, and worst of all (showing how well Her Honor Miss Harshwhinny understood the guilty party) fifteen minutes in a newly appointed time out corner.

—

After her time out was over, Twilight took off the pointed hat and skulked out of the courthouse. There, she chanced to meet Luna pacing on the steps outside.

“Princess, I’m sorry—”

“Shhhhhh, young princeſs,” the mare of dreams said, “there is nothing to apologize for. If thou should ever require any thing in our orbit, it is thine for the taking. But we beg thee: uſe more care.”

“Yes, Princess.”

Twilight bowed; when she raised her head, Luna was gone.

—

With the trial resolved, the Crown Counsel, soon to be former Crown Counsel, barely had time to celebrate their legal victory before the scientists at the south pole research station in Pranceartica found themselves saddled with a new legal liaison officer.