Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

Princess Luna sat alone at a breakfast table in the kitchenette down the hall from her rooms in Canterlot Castle. Without her sister’s unpredictable morning exuberance –meaning a random breakfast of unnecessary complexity and and far more carbohydrates than anypony really needed just before their bedtime– in effect today, she had chosen a simple, sensible breakfast. Sensibly, she balanced a bowl of oats on her nose and used her magic to wield the spoon.

Celestia grumped into the room, her mane disheveled and dark circles under her eyes.

“Ponies!”

“Aye?” Luna asked after chewing.

Celestia tossed her head increasingly wildly as she chanted, “ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies, PONIES!”

With the last swing of her head she had slashed a pillar with her horn, perfectly cleaving the stone. At least for the moment, the glass-smooth faces of the cut were clinging to each other.

"Princess Celestia, I wish I had a bigger horn, Princess Celestia, when will i get my cutie mark, Princess Celestia, I hope I lose my virginity at the harvest dance. Princess Celestia, Princess Celestia, ponies, ponies, ponies, PONIES!”

She stomped her hoof and a planet shook at her anger.

Far away, a pony at a seismograph looks worried as a needle twitches.

Far away, neither Fluttershy’s gentle urging, nor Discord’s grouchy demands, convince the frightened critters to come out from under the bed.

Far away, the pristine snow of the mountains is the epitome of tranquility. Without warning all is thunder as an avalanche descends like an albino tsunami of rage.

Celestia’s eyes were flaming, her nostrils flared.

“We shall RAZE this world unto its very bones and when the sea covers all the land we will raise up a new empire of SQUIDS!”

Imagine: an ocean world, utterly devoid of dry land, water from pole to pole. Sun shines down on peaceful blue seas as happy squids frolic in the shallows. On their sides, many bear alarmingly familiar squidie marks.

Behind Celestia, the slashed pillar now slid apart. The arch collapsed, keystone landing on Luna's breakfast. The table falls under the impact and all is destroyed save the bowl she is balancing.

Unperturbed, Luna took another bite of oats.

Downtrodden, the princess of the sun hung her head.

“Ponies.”

“Forsooth, dear.” Luna spoke gently. She’d seen her sister like this before and wished she could do more for her.

Celestia was beyond words.

A comforting sound had been coming from the nearby counter since the beginning of the royal tirade; now it is the only thing filling the silence.

“Coffee perks anon sweet sister, prithee indulge thyself thereunto, ere it too succumb to thy wrath most puissant but unfocused.”

The notion of coffee was enough to spur Celestia into motion – just barely.

She stumbled to the counter and poured coffee for Luna. No cream, no sugar.

"Blackest, like the night herself, mine midnight culver." Celestia slipped into a morning ritual predating Luna’s banishment and the sisters shared a brief smile. The old memories, from before a thousand years of sorrow, were comforting.

There was no table to set the mug upon; she levitated it directly to the grasp of Luna’s magic.

For a moment Celestia pondered a white mug emblazoned with the sun logo in bright gilt. With the tip of one hoof she pushed it off the counter where it fell and broke.

Instead, she dropped the sugar bowl and creamer directly into the coffee pot and stirred; crunching sounds emerged.

Celestia’s voice is leaden with exhaustion. “Oh we love our little ponies.”

She chugged deeply, eagerly, from the pot then paused, her breath steaming.

“Ah,” she sighed.

When she lifted the coffee pot back to her mouth she drank more calmly.

Gaining strength she declared boldly, “I will spend my soul to its last shred to care for them!”

A heartbeat later, her mood had shifted again, now to sadness.

“Luna?” she implored as tears gathered in her eyes.

Luna looked at her sister across the steaming mug, wishing for something to say.

Tears fell; mug and bowl were teleported to the counter as moon swept sun into an embrace.

“Don't ever let us hurt the ponies,” Celestia wept into her sister’s mane.

—

Twilight sat up in bed, dazed and disoriented.

What did she just dream?

“Squidship is magic?” she asked aloud.

“Buh, huh?” mumbled the form under the blanket. No further utterance emerged.

For an instant she was startled by the strange room, the presence in the bed with her, the echos of very new sensations flooding the tactile memory of her flesh. As memories returned in full a smile spread across her face and she slipped back under the covers.

—

The cleaning and repair strike team were waiting discreetly as the royal ponies finished in the kitchenette.

Celestia was finally past her crisis as she sauntered forth with her sister.

“Thank you for your patience, and your company, Luna.” She was her gracious self again, if perhaps slightly subdued. “I know what a pain in the plot I am when I’m having an episode.”

“Of course, ‘Tia. We often do not ken aught helpful to say when thou art so disturbed, but always, neigh, always and always, thou hast our ear to hear thee. And ever our shoulder too, an tears be in the offing.”

“Maybe if more ponies would start praying to Twilight, I might get some more rest. I wonder what she’s up to? She came to Canterlot for her check-up, but never visited me afterwards.” A slight pout on her face little presages the tumult that is to come.

The voices of the alicorns faded down the hallway as the repair crew began clearing the rubble.

A new pony on the cleaning crew looks inside the unexpectedly heavy coffee pot. Porcelain shards rattle when he shakes the pot.

“The buck happened in here?”