Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

In the morning Twilight was still with me.

“It’s real?” I asked “Not a dream?”

“Real” she snuggled in closer. “Now question is… breakfast before sex or sex before breakfast?” She held a firm handful. “This seems to be saying that breakfast comes second.”

“Aaaactually, that means I need to pee. I dunno how it works for stallions in the morning.” I ran off to use the toilet.

When I returned Twilight’s mood had changed. She sat pensively on the edge of the bed, the sheet over her shoulders. “Are you okay, Princess?”

“Yeah, I’m just not used to this.”

“‘This’?”

“Oh, defying Celestia, I mean… Normally I’m so obedient I’m pretty boring. I think I just ran out of my supply of confidence.”

“You don’t bore me. Blame it on your wicked seducer from another world. Speaking of whom… I think you look ready for breakfast, not, um, that other thing.”

“Thanks. Thank you for giving me some time.”

“I can wait as long as you need. I would give you seven years if you needed it, or more.”

“We call that ‘two fours less one’ when we’re talking dramatically or poetically. It’s an archaic term from when ponies counted on their hooves – thousands of years before Princes Celestia, even. And I will never keep you waiting that long. I still want it too, you know. I just need to get my head screwed on right. What’s for breakfast?”

“That kinda brings me to an embarrassing detail. I don’t actually have food to offer you,” hastily I added, ”I have coffee and government issue food substitute. I was thinking you could wear some of my clothes and we could go out for some real food.”

“Are you impoverished that you live on a dole of ‘food substitute’?”

“Nope, just pragmatic, to a fault. Easy to keep a kitchen clean if you barely use it.” I didn’t mention spending a hundred plus hours a week at the library. It was a good thing I had accumulated years of unused vacation time, cos I didn’t really expect to show up at work for a while.

“I’ll give the substitute a try. It hasn’t killed you yet.”

“I might just be too dumb to die. Here.” I tossed her a long t-shirt. “I’ll start coffee.”

She emerged into the kitchen a moment later wearing my shirt.

“Did you dislike looking at me naked?”

“I love seeing at you naked. Or not naked. But you clearly are uncomfortable all of a sudden. Since you didn’t bring any human clothes with you, giving you something to wear is me trying to respect your personal space. I’m not sure what’s wrong but I want you to feel good about whatever happens next. And hopefully feel good about what has happened.”

“I do feel good about what happened—” a smile full of secrets flitted across her face “—but I panicked. About being here. With you. And about real sex. I tried to go home to Equestria. I didn’t have the power. I should be recharged from last night, hours ago. I am completely drained and at your mercy. I feel more helpless than I can tell you.”

“Do you have coffee in Equestria? I know tea is popular there.”

“We have it but not as many ponies like it. I developed a taste for coffee as a filly spending so much time in Canterlot Castle studying with the Princess. When she’s stressed out she drinks tea and coffee both by the litre.”

“It’ll be ready soon. Princess, do you remember what I asked you in Slimedark Cathedral? I will try to earn the trust that I asked for. You are not ‘at my mercy’, rather you are ‘under my protection’. I am just one random peasant. I cannot equal you in rank, but I shall surpass all others in love of thee.” I wanted to cringe at the corniness of my own words but I also felt tears stinging my eyes at the intensity of the emotion.

“Are you a poet, Mister Akos?”

Twilight surprised me by remembering my last name – she must have been paying attention when I introduced myself last year.

“No, but I read a lot.”

“Mmmm, reading is sexy… your words move me deeply.”

“Well maybe after breakfast we can go for a walk in my tired old city, and spend time together learning more points of mutual attraction.” I passed her a mug of coffee and a food substitute bar. “Cheers.”

“Oh, Celestia!” she said after taking a bite of the compressed brick of nutrition, “so this is what the color grey tastes like.”

“You sum it up perfectly.”

“What’s it made of?”

I read the semi-edible label aloud, “‘peanut and almond protein, egg white, gluten, soya, lactose, synthhoney, sesame, vitamins and minerals.’ Guaranteed ‘edible’ (the quotes are right here on the label, that’s not me editorializing) for at least two hundred years from the date of manufacture, and allergen free. I sometimes eat food, but there are people who live their whole lives on these things.”

“How boring.”

“I hope you don’t have any illusion that my world will be much less grey.”

Twilight shuddered. “Would you, um in theory, like me to stay with you in your world?”

“By the flowing mane of Celestia—” dammit, I thought, I’m sounding cornier than ever “—no, you would die here or at best be miserable. I want you to take me to my home in Equestria so I can really live.”

“How can you call Equestria home? You’ve never even set hoof there.”

I flinched at her assumption – one that I could not correct.

“Because I know I don’t fit here. Imagine if you will knowing exactly what you want, and knowing it does not exist. And then when you gave up and…” I decided not to follow that thread of history to its perfectly logical conclusion “…well, in a dark time, you found that what you really wanted was real. Who you really wanted was real.”

“If the ‘who’ is me, she was a total bitch when you met her.”

“We can put that behind us. It was worth it to be with you now.”

“The coffee’s good.”

“Thank you. One of the small comforts of life on this world – we have good coffee. Do you want to see if we can find a magic user who can help you power up? There must be a few practitioners alive.” I suspected a certain senior library employee, if I could request his aid without putting him at risk. The other magic-using library employee was forbidden to show Twilight his power.

“No. My energies will eventually recharge as long as your word is not completely dead.”

“She’s not.” I smiled “But it is an official government policy that magic is not real.”

“I can wait then. And I’m not going to run away. I am not going to leave you. Ever.”

Her smile had lost any trace of hesitancy and the glow of it lit up my heart.