Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

“This place is incredible,” I said as we strolled down a glistening hallway accompanied by our own images in hundreds of reflective facets, “I can’t believe it sprang up all at once!”

“Sprang up? What are you talking about? It was built way back in the four hundreds, using imported living crystal. The first Marquis started the construction, but it was his daughter, the second Marquise, who first occupied the castle as her seat. It expanded itself a bit over the years, and sat abandoned and pouting the last couple centuries. I purged the monsters during my first year in Ponyville, and after the Golden Oak was burnt down I fixed it up so I could move in. Technically, I’m just a squatter. The title is escheat to the crown since the seventh Marquis died without issue in the eight hundreds. Somepony could be created eighth Marquis of Ponyville and I’d be homeless. Or maybe I could be the crazy spinster, living up in a tower, who comes with the castle.”

—

The structure was a medium-sized affair as such things go, but I had seen little of it yet. I estimated it at less than a hundred rooms. It was staffed by an active herd of domestic employees, plus day help, and a small company of soldiers for the princess’ security detail.

In addition to the staff living in the castle, assistants and junior functionaries spent part of their day in the castle, living elsewhere. Some were Ponyville residents benefiting from the local employment, others had been hired from further away and were boarding in town.

Ponies came and went through the day on a variety of errands.

There were scholars who came to research the growing collection of literature and arcana. Unlike the old library, the books and scrolls accumulated here were for reference only, not lent – comfortable nooks and reading chairs complimented the large work tables. The mundane volumes were available for anypony to read. Duly vetted magic students might gain access to the first ward of spell-books and other esoterica. Certain specially credentialed mages were per permitted to study the tomes in the second ward. Only Twilight’s royal peers and the greatest mages in the land could request access to the third ward library of advanced magic – indeed few ponies knew of a third. As Twilight’s lover I, too, had physical access to the secret third ward, but only because she thought I had no clue what any of it meant. Some of her unknown spells were ones I could have explained had I not been commanded to keep my magical powers hidden.

Merchants presented themselves to the butler and head cook between between eight and nine in the morning – barring the bakers who had delivered bread before Celestia even thought about raising the sun.

Occasionally supplicants appeared before the princess with matters of friendship or law needing her wisdom and judgement.

—

In the public section of library where the mundane books were kept, Twilight introduced me to her strigine helper.

“With Spike married off now, this is my main assistant, Owlowiscious.”

“Who?” I asked.

“Owlowiscious,” Twilight repeated.

“Who?” I asked again.

Twilight laughed but the owl was not amused – normally that was his gag. He fluttered up to a perch and burrowed his head under a wing.

Twilight gave him a tolerant smile and led me onward.

“There are eighty four rooms, I think,” she told me. “There used to be eighty five but we lost one!” She laughed at her own joke as we approached a very dignified looking pony.

“And this is Blaise Smythe, my butler. He keeps everything running so smooth around here I don’t know why he’s always busy. Blaise, this is Tangent, he’ll be staying here, in my room.”

“Yes, miss.”

Suddenly Twilight’s cutie mark began to blink.

“I’m on call, aren’t I?”

“Indeed, Miss”

“Shit!”

“Precisely, Miss.”

“I’ve been thinking with my back end instead of my front end and I forgot all about it. I gotta get ready to go. Can you show Tangent around?”

And just like that I was left alone with Smythe.

“The princess has no idea how much you do for her, does she?”

“Not a bloody clue!” he said with spirit. “As well it should be. Do you know how many times that young lady has saved Equestria? We don’t even keep a count anymore. It is not fitting that she be troubled with the domestic minutia of operating her home.”

“I’ll guess that ’butler’ is not your preferred title, is it?” I asked.

“In my innermost thoughts I prefer the more medieval ‘seneschal’ but butler is perfectly adequate.”

“Certainly– I’m sorry, did she say your name is Blaise or Bleys?”

“Blaze, sir.”

“Oh! I like that.”

“I jest, sir, my given name is Blaise.”

“Very well, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise. Is sir possessed of a mononym?”

“A what? Oh—” I told the solemn pony my full name.

“Welcome to Ponyville Castle, Mr. Akos, sir. I note that sir is left hooved; shall I reverse sir’s place setting at the table?”

“No, thank you. I’m used to eating among righties and if you switch it up, you’ll just confuse me. Next thing you know, I’ll be eating the entree with both my salad fork and my dessert fork and drinking my finger bowl.”

“Finger bowl, sir?”

“Among fingered species, a small bowl of water to clean one’s fingertips between the seventh course and dessert. Drinking it, of course, would be quite gauche.”

“Quite, I see. Very droll, sir. As most ponies do not use such an vessel, if one wished to humorously suggest an especially egregious faux pas, one might propose to fill the host’s glass from the lower ewer.”

“What would be the implication?”

“In days before plumbing, the upper ewer held clean water for the washing of hooves and the lower ewer caught the dirty.”

“Eww, a gaff indeed! Well, I can suppose that you are a busy pony so maybe I will just wander around and try not to get in the way.”

—

I barely made it around the corner before, “you must be the new housekeep!”

Well so I must. Her energetic bustle did not invite disagreement.

Without a word I took over pushing the heavy cart of clean linen.

“It’s unusual to see a stallion in this department, but I won’t complain! It will be good to have somepony with some muscles on ‘im.”

I dove into the tasks I was given and proudly offered up the first pair rooms I had done for inspection.

“Have you ever worked in this role before?”

“No ma’am,” I admitted.

“Well,” she said, “You’ve done a pretty good job, but your speed is lacking. In the time you’ve done two rooms I’ve done all the others. They were supposed to send me somepony experienced. No offense, but I’ll have to think about whether I should keep you on. But I’m done with you for this morning.”

I wandered outside to see the castle grounds before anypony else mistook me for somepony I wasn’t…

—

...leaving me with the clippers the groundskeeper hurried off.

An hour latter he was back, just as I raked up the clippings.

He was impressed by my first effort at topiary, but he didn’t want to show it.

“Yer kinda slow, but it’s not a bad likeness. But, I meant a rooster, ya numbskull!” He threw a foreleg around my neck and applied a vigorous rubbing to my scalp before releasing me. “Normally I’d say you should have gotten at least three done by now, but I figure its a good thing you didn’t get started on the cat and the shore birds. Go find ya some lunch and maybe tomorrow I’ll decide whether I can take the time to train you or not.”

A meal would at least be a safe diversion and my nose led me to the refectory…

—

…but it did not alert me to the danger in the hall outside.

“Late!” the pony in the tall white toque exclaimed as he pulled me into the kitchen by my ear. “Late, late, late! Zat is no way to impress moi!”

I found myself capped, scrubbed in, and brandishing a paring knife faster than you could say, “get zat mane under control, wash ze hooves, and here, here, here is un implement. Hold carefully, imbecile!”

Head still spinning, I was put to work prepping vegetables.

“You call this consistent? This? The chives should be in identical two millimeter sections! Can you at least make for me a roux?”

“You might rue it if I tried.”

“Broth?”

“Yes, I can do that.”

I had noticed a scrawled broth recipe pinned to the wall. I could manage it, and set to work.

When tasting the broth, the chef successfully fought down a smile.

“Do you know anything at all about the workings of ze professional kitchen?” he demanded.

“Not a thing.”

“I should have known. Who has sent to me this burden?” he demanded of the heavens. Restraining his outrage at the trial thrust upon him by cruel fate he added, “there may not be a place for you in this castle, but ze broth, eet ees not bad at all.”

—

Escaping the kitchen I soon bumped into Smythe again.

“Where have you been, sir?” he asked. “Either several of my staff seem to think you are their new assistant or there is a mysterious herd of assistants running awry. Incidentally, I have not disabused them of the theory just in case that is truly your intent. But I do not recommend it.”

“I gather that I was a disappointment to all of them.”

Before he could confirm, I saw Twilight approaching.

“Thank you kindly for the tour,” I spoke loud enough that she would hear me, “I should like to go see if I can be of use to her Highness.”

“Of use to me?” she said as she cuddled up, “and here I thought you were just decorative!”

“Where’s the mission? When do we leave?”

“Um, can we talk about the mission later? Blaise,” she said and turned to address that worthy soul. “I would like to review the staff and garrison after supper tonight.”

—

Twilight kept me in suspense through dinner, after which came the review.

I’d only been a pony for two days and this was as many of my fellow Equestrians as I had ever seen at one time. There were a dozen soldiers of the Equestrian army posted here as the castle guards. Another dozen ponies made up the domestic staff, plus the real three new assistants who were boarding outside the castle.

Everypony was incredibly welcoming, but I noticed some unease in the group — the housekeeper, gardener and chef looked downright mortified. They all appeared to be steeling themselves up to apologize.

I cut them off by addressing the entire group.

“Thank you so much,” I said, “for making me feel so welcome today. It’s been a pleasure meeting some of you and I hope to know you all.” I made sure to make eye contact with the ponies I had worked with, to include them in my smile.

—

“I think you made a good impression.” Twilight was smiling.

“I’m so excited, meeting even more of the ponies of Equestria! Now, where’s our mission?”

“Um, about that.” She looked down at her hooves, avoiding my eager gaze. “It’s not our mission. I leave at dawn. Alone.”

The rest of the evening was awkwardly subdued. The salve had worked wonders as promised, but Twilight needed her rest.