Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

I yawned awake to the sound of Twilight stuffing supplies into a bag.

“Oh, Princess, I dreamed that I was a pony and you were a beautiful purple mare.”

“Um…”

Blinking my eyes into focus I looked at my beloved.

Oh.

“Come back to bed?” I asked.

I had hella morning wood, but it seemed that she had morning won’t.

“I gotta get going.”

“So take me with you. I’d be a pretty solid earth pony in a scrap.”

“This is Leviathan,” Twilight retorted. “/Lə/. - /ˈvaɪ/. - /ə/. - /θən/.” She said the word one syllable at time in obvious IPA (Ideophonic Pony Alphabet) precision. “Being a pretty solid earthpony in a scrap isn’t going to cut it.”

It was almost time for Celestia to raise the sun and Twilight was ready to leave.

“But—”

“No buts! Until I get back, at which time you can kiss mine. Don’t make me turn this into a command.”

“I’m sorry, dearest. I wanted to help.” I dipped my head to her. “And I wanted to be with you. But I don’t want to be in the way. Maybe I can train with the Shadow Herd and one day be able to accompany you on missions.”

“If the Shadows really existed, they are long extinct.” I didn’t interrupt her to argue the point. “Anyway, mister, stay here, stay safe—” she kissed my nose “—and I’ll be back before you know it. I’ve been saving Equestria for most of my life.” She smiled, oh Celestia, she smiled. “It’s kinda what I do.”

I was still grinning from the after effects of Twilight’s smile when she departed.

—

‘Here’ and ‘safe’ are subjective enough for me to have some fun, I reflected once I was alone.

I needed to work out the boundaries, and without her guidance I could only do my best to interpret her imprecise instructions. She was traveling some eight hundred kilometers to deal with Leviathan, so I would define ‘here’ as within four hundred clicks of her castle. No more than half the distance. The risk with such a monster must surely be death, so anything that cost me no more than half of my hit points I could easily interpret as ‘safe’.

Operational restrictions nailed down, I went looking for trouble.

—

Pinkie Pie took her morning break early, to confer with me behind Sugarcube Corner.

“I need some bits, Pinkie, and I don’t know what I can do in this world to earn them. You already have a librarian in Ponyville, when she’s not off saving the world.”

“Why ya askin’ me? Everypony knows I’m just a goof.”

“Because I know you are intelligent and discreet.”

K-k-fwwp! — Pinkie flipped open an imaginary communicator and whispered urgently, “Mothership! Mothership! I think the Princess’s lover has busted my cover. Cancel the invasion!”

“Ha! I never bought your ditz act for a single pinkosecond.”

“Pinkosecond‽ Hahahahha! I’d be willing to loan you some bits just on the strength of that joke.”

“I don’t much want to be in debt, but what choice have I got? If Twilight is gone long I can try to get a job and start paying you back.”

“There’s really no rush. I don’t have much to spend my money on. My biggest vices are pastry and non-sequitur, both of which I get for free. Where’s Twilight off to this time?”

“The monster of the week is a sea monster up in the northeast. Up near Miskaponic U.”

“Hmmm. So either she’ll have it eating out of her hoof in two days and come back smelling like a rose, or she’ll be back in four days covered in rotten fish after beating the friendship into it!”

“You’re right, of course. Unless they actually summoned the monster to study it and then complicate things when they don’t admit the truth to her.”

“Getting them to own up might take an extra few days, unless she took Fluttershy along to ask questions.”

“That's a negative on the stare master. Twi’ is on her own.”

Despite my wish, I didn’t say out loud.

She shoulda brought you, Pinkie agreed.

—

With my funding secured in the form of a personal loan from The Bank of Pinkie, including an eye-watering advance she had already put on my tab for the magic eight-ball desert with Twilight, I roamed the streets of Ponyville looking for a shop to buy paper and supplies. I could have asked her Pinkaliciousness, but I figured she would feel more secure about the loan if I did not seem helpless. Several blocks away I found Paperwhite’s Stationary. Mr. Paperwhite had everything I needed to get started and soon I was on my way back to Twilight’s castle with my pack full. Just in case Twilight needed it I had mailed a postcard bearing nothing but a sketch of an ancient seal, and a few explanatory squiggles, to her attention care of the Dean at the University. Hopefully she would not need it.

Back at the castle, I set up an empty storage room as a workshop. Ponyville Thrift had furnished a bookshelf, some drawers and a work table. I would need some additional furniture, and magical apparatus, but those would come later. By the morning of the third day of Twilight’s mission it was looking like a credible craft room for calligraphy and the like. I used my best Spencerian script to make a bombastically fancy sign for the workshop door.

For the next stage, I needed an actual Equestrian mage. Trixie was my choice, and with Discord’s letter of introduction I went to find her wagon.

—

Trixie was camped beyond the edge of town, near a steep wooded ravine. I knocked politely and waited.

“Who summons the Great and Powerful Trixie at this indecently early hour?” Trixie demanded as the cloud of smoke dissipated.

The clock in Ponyville town square was just striking two in the afternoon.

Looking at me she tilted her head. “No, really, who are you?”

“Just a paying customer come to your wagon in search of greatness and power.”

“Welcome! Pray tell the Great and Powerful Trixie what you need?”

“I need a spell to keep my workshop hidden from prying eyes. I have it on good report that Trixie can do some first rate illusion spells for an honest fee.”

“But of course she can, my good pony. Whose wise advice is it that brought you to Trixie?”

“Strange fellow. What was his name…” I made a show of stroking my chin with a hoof “Oh, yes. A Mister Discord Sullivan, Chaos, comma, Lord of. He gave me a letter of introduction.”

“Oh!” Trixie was genuinely touched. “How kind of him.”

She broke the wax seal on the envelope to read Discord’s letter of introduction.

“This appears to be a shopping list.” She scanned the list. “Trixie did not know they sold personal lubricant in ‘cheese flavour’ but she has duly noted that fact for future reference. It certainly attests to the authenticity of the document.”

I coughed. “Yes, miss, it was very kind of him to direct me to Ponyville’s best kept secret.”

“Tell me where your workshop is.”

“In a disused storage room in my marefriend’s house. I need her to forget that it exists so I can work undisturbed.”

“And where is this marefriend’s house?”

“It’s the big crystal looking castle-thingie on the outskirts of Ponyville.”

“You? You‽ A dork like you bedded the awkward and beautiful Princess of friendship who could help everypony except herself? Do you know how many sleepovers Trixie has had at her place? And she never once lay a hoof on Trixie, if you can imagine that! Hahaha, it is about time somepony laid her! By Trixie, Trixie hopes finally getting some dick mellows Sparkle out just a little.”

Trixie rolled on the ground with laughter.

“Look out—” I was too late, she rolled over the edge and tumbled down the rough side of the ravine.

Crashes and cusses sounded from below as I assayed the lip of the precipice for a safe descent.

“Halp!” I heard Trixie’s voice from a patch of ferns as I cautiously climbed downward “The Stuck and Indecorously Arrayed Trixie requests your kind assistance…”

I stuck my head into the ferns and bumped into Trixie’s mare-bits with my nose.

“Eep!” we both shouted as I jumped back.

She had come to rest on her back with her aft end above her fore, and her horn was stuck in a rotten log.

“Begging your pardon, Miss Lulumoon!” I called into the fern before walking around to find the front end of her.

One horn extracted from a log later, Trixie was brushing the leaves from her cloak and mane.

“Is Trixie hurt?” I asked, barely noticing that I had slipped into addressing her in the third person.

“Only bruises, to both flank and dignity.” She shook herself. “But Trixie is most pleased to learn that her friend and one time near rival, Sparkle, has found, or perhaps been found by—” Trixie winked “—somepony special.” She smiled. “Please do Trixie the mitzvah of allowing her to offer you a discount. Trixie will do her best casting and charge you no more than you would pay for an earthpony’s third rate cantrap.”

“Thank you, oh Generous and Plentiful Trixie.”

—

“The Great and Powerful Trixie has surely surpassed herself this time!” said pony exclaimed as the last swirls of magic faded, “she has already forgotten what she was hiding on your behalf, or where.”

I could still see the door to my disguised magic workshop, but I could also see shimmers of the illusion spell. To anypony else, the door would just look like a bank section of wall. And if anypony did get in, at first look it would seem to be simply an art room.

“Trixie is weary now,” she said through a yawn.

“Would Trixie like to stop for a cup of coffee before she leaves? Her grateful and pleased customer can have a pot brewing the merest trice.”

“That will be lovely, thank you.” She yawned again.

I led the way to the comfortable parlor that was the entry room to Twilight’s private suite in the castle. I gestured her to the nice comfy sofa and hurried over to the coffee machine on the sideboard a few meters behind it.

“Coffee’s started,” I sang out a moment later, and then smiled when I saw that Trixie was out of sight. Peering over the back of the sofa I saw she had slumped down and was gently snoozing.

“Coffee?” I heard from the hall.

Twilight’s step sounded behind me.

“That,” I heard for the second time in as many minutes, “will be lovely.” As I turned she added “Close your eyes mister. I look like crap.”

From the glimpse I had caught before my eyes shut, she wasn’t wrong. She wasn’t smelling her very freshest, either.

“Are you okay?”

“Just… bucking… peachy.” She approached, staying behind me. “Tail up!”

The heck? I raised my tail obediently.

Twilight kissed me right below my tail, swirled her tongue around some very sensitive nerve endings.

“Honey?” I squeaked. My knees wobbled with the unexpected pleasure.

“I told you that you could kiss my ass when I got home. The seal you sent me saved the mission and possibly my life. Clearly I should have brought you along, so I’m kissing yours.”

She resumed the swirling motion with her tongue.

Just as I let forth with an involuntary moan, Trixie’s face appeared over the back of the sofa where she had been napping. Our eyes met and we both blushed. She ducked back down before Twilight could see her.

“Twilight… lets go get you showered up so I can show you how happy I am to see you.”

“And bring the coffee.” Twilight said as we ambled towards the bath. “I swear I heard somepony mention coffee…”

I heard the door to the hall quietly open and close behind us.

—

Afterwards, we lay in bed basking in mutual nearness.

“It’s good to be home,” Twilight said. “Glad to have me back?”

“Mmmm, big time. I missed my very own Princess. And I was starting to worry if my wiener still worked after whatever Pinkie fed us.”

“And whose fault was that?”

“I have no regrets!” I cried, “but seriously – I didn’t have a single erection the entire time you were gone.”

“It’s clearly operational now.” She grinned, lovely and wild looking with her mane mussed from sex. “But from my perspective, isn’t that good? Keeps you out of trouble.”

“Not necessarily good, the occasional random hard-on is a normal indication that everything still works. At least that’s how it is for humans. I honestly wondered if something was wrong with it. Lying in your bed, thinking about you, and nothing happened. I accidentally got a good whiff of Trixie’s plot and didn’t get so much as a twitch from willie.”

“Trixie’s? Well, if you’re going to cheat on me, at least you have good taste,” she laughed. “But it seems a bit early for that.”

“She fell into a ravine and got her horn stuck. I was trying to help and found the wrong end of her first. No cheating occurred.”

“Good, good, but however did Trixie fall into a ravine?”

“She was laughing her head off that a dork like me scored on you, and over the edge she went!”

“A dork like you? If I hadn’t decided to steal that defective random dream sex spell, the pony scoring on me might have been a dork like her. By ‘like her’ I mean actually her. It could happen!”