Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

When I looked up from my book, a mare I had not met before had entered the library and was watching me read. Pale, pale, blue coat, almost white, purple and white mane, and three stars on her flank: I recognized Twilight Velvet Sparkle immediately.

“Twilight’s away on a mission, ma’am. I’m–”

“Oh, I know who you are,” she said, “I just want to know who you are. If you catch the distinction.”

“Yes, ma’am, I think I do. Tea, or coffee? We can chat for a while about how your daughter is the greatest pony in the world.”

She smiled.

“Tea please. And much as I love my daughter, it’s you I want to hear about today.”

“Ah, well I’ve been hoping to meet you to learn more about her. Has she told you much about me?”

“Nothing. Not even that she was seeing anypony. I only gave birth to her, after all, what do I need to know?”

“Listen, I’m going to pull a Twilight and cut to the chase - skip the evasion and head right to the ugly truth. I can’t lie, my background is not pretty. I know you won’t use my past against your own daughter’s friend, but please be cautious about sharing it with just anypony.”

“Well that’s not an encouraging introduction, even if I do recognize my daughter’s influence in the delivery, but I can assure you that as– as mother of her Highness's star student, I’ve learned more than a few friendship lessons myself. I won’t judge you based on what has happened to you.”

“Thank you, ma’am. She spreads that magic everywhere, doesn’t she?”

“She really does. Now tell me about yourself.”

“I was the youngest of four foals. My sire died before I was born.” Centuries before I was born, I didn’t try to explain. “My dam is an expensive courtesan who wanted a fourth daughter. She punished me severely for this failure; my youth centered around the need to be invisible to my mother.”

“Oh, you poor thing. Are you reasonably sound of mind in spite of the horrid setting? And will I have to rub shoulders with that mare when you marry my Twilight?”

Marry her? Suddenly I was lost in a vision of wedding dress lovely enough for Twilight. Hectares of floating tull, I couldn’t make out her face through the veil wafting in golden light as she walked happily toward the centre of a... circular cathedral? And why did her brother in the front row look so grumpy? The oddness of the scene brought me back to the present.

Twilight Velvet was smiling at me as I spaced out.

“Eh, delicious tea, isn’t it?” I slurped loudly. “I think I am sane enough – I had a friend who helped keep me out of mother’s sight as much as possible. Saved my life and spared me much of the abuse. And no, I wouldn’t tell her let alone invite her, we haven’t spoken in years. I’m not from around here, ma’am, so she’s not going to be dropping in on the in-laws without warning. And I’d never expose Twi’ to the mother who tried to kill me.”

“Who was the pony who helped keep you out of harm’s way?”

“He’s my friend Bear, he’s not a pony. I, uh, wasn’t born pony. And Bear isn’t even a living creature…” I flinched with guilt at the thought of an inert compute module waiting for me, powered down and hidden in my pack.

“I don’t think I’ll be sharing much of your background around the ladies’ knitting circle, but not as bad as I could have feared.”

“‘The heart covets secrets not worth the telling’,” I offered.

“You certainly don’t seem to be an abusive, drug crazed, rapist.”

“No, ma’am, kindness and consent are important.”

Twilight Velvet nodded her approval.

“A more pleasing part of my story is that I am a librarian like your daughter was before princessing took up all her time. I specialize in magic research even though I am not a licensed magic user. Most of what I know is magic of another world, but as I learn about Equestrian magic I hope I can be useful to Twi’.”

“Like that dear Sunburst who helps Shining and Cady with foalsitting. Knows every spell in scores of books, but can’t cast a one of them!”

I held back a frown – as best I knew Sunburst was a really nice stallion, but I found the comparison jarring. And I am pretty sure she must have heard an exaggerated account his lack of ability. Before I needed to come up with a polite gambit to steer the conversation elsewhere, I heard the sound of feet running in the hall and the door burst open.

“SPAAAAIIIKK!” I cried, glad for the distraction. “Wasabi?”

“Hey, yo!” He raised a scaly hand up high, and I reared to slap it with my hoof. “Grandmare Sparkle, are you here to scope out mom’s lover?”

“Spike, buddy,” I groaned “the conversation hadn’t got to the part where she tries to delicately inquire if we’ve gone that far and I pretend like I don’t understand what she’s getting at.”

“Oh, my bad, she knows your banging now! If it helps at all, Grandmare, he’s passed his initial Rarity inspection.” He looked down on me with a smile of approval, as if he were proud of my accomplishment.

Twilight Velvet had risen to hug Spike “That’s good to know Spike. Your wife is a mare of impeccable taste and sound judgment. You seem to be on good terms with him too.”

“Oh, I’m on good terms with everyone, I’m smoooooth like that.” Spike adjusted a non-existant pair of shades. “But if both my mom and the missus say he’s okay, he’s very probably okay.”

“Ok, Spike. Now were you sure when you spilled the beans about their physical relationship?”

“Rar’ and some of the girls caught them in the act, so yep, they’re at it! No doubt about it.”

“Thanks, Spike,” I said, “thanks a lot for sharing. Siddown, have a cookie and stop gabbing your gums!”

“No can do. I’m just delivering a message and I gotta run.”

Spike passed me a small notecard and, true to his word, ran.

The card read,

You are cordially ~~invited~~summoned to tea at Carousel Boutique on the first afternoon you have free after Twilight’s current mission.

A cartoon sketch of Spike winked from beneath his scribbled editation to Rarity’s ornate hoofscript.

He winked like the cartoon as he ducked out the door.

“I like that dragon, but things could be awkward now.”

“Oh, don’t you worry at all. I would have just asked if I wasn’t sure. But I was.”

“H- how could you tell? I know I washed my face as soon as she left…”

“By the way you talk about Twilight.”

“Wha’d’ya mean?”

“You don’t talk like she’s just a pretty mare you bedded. You talk like my daughter is part of you. I think I approve of you.”

“Thank you. I love her, ma’am. Twilight is the pony I want to spend the rest of my life with; she is my life.”

“I think you will. Whether its fifty years or a hundred. You know she’s going to outlive you, right? Alicorn and all…”

“Yes, I know. I don’t know how that will work out when I am old and grey and she’s still coming into the prime of her strength. But I will love her until I die.”

“It’s tough to love an immortal, but that’s how it is,” she said solemnly. “How long did you know Twilight before…”

“About three minutes.”

I waited for her coughing to subside.

“Maybe five?” I added when she could almost breathe again.

“Tell you what, maybe we tell Shining about the ‘three minutes’ and see if you pass the Big Brother test as well as you pass the Mother test.”

“Celestia save me!” I touched my chest reverently when I spoke her Highness’s name “If it helps at all, I had a crush on Twi’ for years and years. So its not really like we were complete strangers.”

“Well, I’m glad she didn’t freak out like… well, like she does.”

“Dammit,” I said, caught off guard.

“What’s wrong?”

“Uh, pardon my Prench.”

“I don’t give a buck about that. But obviously something is bugging you.”

I sighed.

“I don’t want to lie, to you, Mom– I mean ma’am—”

“You can call me mom, dear.” Twilight Velvet said gently.

“Okay, well I don’t want to lie to you even by omission and I don’t want to say anything bad about Twilight. But the truth is that she did freak out. And we got through it. Enough said?”

“Enough said. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, she comes by that honestly. I’m glad the two of you made it through.”

“It was worth it to be with her.”

“How did you meet my daughter?”

“Oh, Mom, it was a dream…”

—

I was seeing Twilight Velvet out as we wrapped up our chat.

“I hope you can bring Nightlight next time you visit. I’d like to meet him soon.”

“Oh, sure. I just came alone in case you turned out to be a jerk. I don’t want my sweetheart getting run up for murder.”

“But what would you have done? Surely you would take action for Twilight’s safety.”

“I know more about beating a murder rap than Nighty does. Stallions can be so innocent…”

“Haha, how practical of you!”

“You were supposed feel vaguely menaced.”

“Oh, I missed the cue – must be because my love for Twilight is so pure. I am glad she has a hardened bloody-hoofed killer for a mother—” Twilight Velvet snorted “—to protect her, but I know that she’ll never need protecting from me.”

“How many foals are you two going to have?”

“We haven’t exactly discussed that, but I’m drawing the line at eight.”

“Ha, ha, ha!” laughed Twilight Velvet as we paused by the castle portcullis. “You can work that out with Twilight, and Nighty and I will be ready to spoil them rotten. I’m so glad to meet you, Tangent. Make sure to have some fun before you get the foal-train rolling – help that book loving daughter of mine catch up for lost time!”

“Yeah, Mom,” I hugged her, ”I’ll do my best! When she’s not off saving the world every day or two.”

“I don’t know if I should tell you this, but just a pointer: if she’s like her mother, she’ll like it rough. Sometimes.”

I would never have guessed, in part from lacking the inclination to ponder such matters, that Twilight Velvet liked it (sometimes) rough but, “I don’t know if I should tell you this, but it sounds like she’s a lot like her mother.”