Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

The next day dawned with no sign of Twilight’s return from the wastelands. I spent the morning reading. There were practical matters, the geography and history of Equestria, far more vibrant than the simplified pablum of a childrens’ show. I worked on memorizing city names and the coats of arms of the Equestrian nobility. And I delved into magic tomes, studying and occasionally transcribing, spells. Ironically the easier spells were the hardest to get my hoofs on. Intermediate spells were all but inaccessible to me: too many mages had access to those shelves for me to peruse them without drawing attention to myself. And the basic spells that I most desperately needed to learn were not even present outside the foals’ section where I would be even more at risk of triggering questions I must not answer. In the mean time, I had full access to some of the hardest spells known, hidden in the secret library, and could copy them at leisure. Of course, I didn’t dare practice something like, say, Catmancer’s Cataclysm before I mastered basic Equestrian spells like light or levitation spells that any ten year old unicorn foal knew.

After a few productive hours, of study, I stepped out for a gallop to stretch my legs and wings. Once I was safely in the forest I took flight. Rocketing along just above ground level, under heavy cover, I could work on my speed and agility with no risk of discovery. If somepony did happen to catch a glimpse of me through the trees, they wouldn’t get a chance to notice that my hooves were not touching down before I vanished again. Ducking and swerving like a crazed bat between the trees I worked myself into a heavy sweat; damn, it was good to exert myself. When my wing shoulders began to ache I dropped back to my hooves, to pelt along the winding trail.

I had not gone much further into the hilly woodland beyond Sweet Apple Hectares before I realized I was being tracked from the air. I smiled and made the effort more challenging for whoever it was up there. By abandoning the path and sticking to heavy cover I forced the follower to track me more closely. The occasional crash from the tree canopy testified to the increased risk inherent in the lower altitude flight envelope my pursuer adopted to keep my trail. Whenever the sound of arboreal collisions fell behind I would slow my evasive pace so they would not give up. After a particularly loud crash I got a glimpse of azure plumage and heard a streak of cusses spanning the entire visible spectrum. There was a forest meadow ahead; I smiled and burst out into the sunshine. Once beyond the trees I adopted a casual pose and munched one of the apples I had grabbed from a gnarled tree growing wild beyond the border of the Hectares. After a few minutes a slightly disheveled Rainbow Dash tried to land non-nonchalantly nearby.

“Hey, Tangent.”

“Get down! Somepone gimme a sweater, it just got cool out here!”

“Uh, yeah, whatevs, can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Sure, I’m just out for a casual stroll.”

She snorted at my words.

“Casual, my aft. You must stroll like I fly.” That was actually very close to the target. “I saw you leave Ponyville, but it took me an hour to catch up.”

“You were following me? What’s up?”

“It’s about that Discord.”

“What about him? It’s only fair to tell you that I too am a Chaoist by philosophical bent.”

“I was hopping to get an outsider’s perspective. He’s been hanging around with Fluttershy for years now and I’m worried that he’s a bad influence on her. And that he might be sexually corrupting her too.”

I took another bite of my apple and chewed slowly. How was I going to honor Fluttershy’s request without actually lying?

“Dash,” I said at last, “Miss Fluttershy is a grown pony and can take care of herself. And she knows that she can ask her friends, including you, for help if she ever needs it. Furthermore it would be silly to deny that Discord cares deeply about her. Do you remember how devastated he was when he realized that he had betrayed her? If their relationship has moved to the next level it’s about time and certainly none of my business.”

“But—”

“And none of yours, either.”

“But he—”

I cut her off with a conspiratorial whisper. “Unless they’ve invited you to join them…”

I waggled my eyebrows at her like the zany Lord Julius of ancient Palnu.

“What? Why, you!” she stepped menacingly towards me, “I should give you a beat down you won’t forget.”

I didn’t back down. Instead, “you’re welcome to try. I’m overdue for a good kicking right now.”

The initial show down was short. When Dash saw that I was going to stand my ground she sprang into the air and looped around to perform an aerial strafing rather than attack on the surface.

“Bring it!” I shouted, “Rainbow Wrath!”

I dodged her fore-hoof as she zoomed past but she connected with the hind, and she wasn’t pulling the kick.

“I’ve had worse,” I taunted even though I was wobbling and seeing stars.

She dove to pick up speed again I pitched the apple core at her. It missed by meters. I retrieved another apple; on her next flyby I feigned a throw and she broke off the attack but performed a tight roll and was back. She kicked me again before I had fully recovered from my false throw. As she circled yet again I aimed carefully and threw my last apple at her head. She turned away from me at just that moment – the apple struck her square in the plot.

Oops.

I wouldn’t’ve landed a low blow like that on purpose.

Dash lost control of her flight and corkscrewed into a tree. After a series of crashes descending through the foliage she dropped out of the branches and into the brush.

I sauntered over to the clump of gorse growing under the tree Dash had struck.

“I gotta control that temper,” I heard from within the prickly mass.

“If you’ll stop kicking me, at least until you’re free, I’ll get you out of there.”

“I promise,” she said in a small voice, “I think I hurt my wing.”

“Okay, miss Dash, hold still.”

She was completely buried in the spiny brush, thorns poking at her from all directions. By the time I had freed her from the maze of prickles I had more scratches than she did, but a gouge on her leg looked like it needed attention.

I helped her to her hooves and she stood there cautiously trying her wings.

“More kicking?”

She shook her head, no.

“How’s that wing?”

“I better see the doctor. Can you walk me to the emergency room?”

“I’ll carry you if you need me too. I’d do anything for Twilight’s friends.”

“I think I can walk,” she said after an experimental step with her wounded leg. “What about your friends, Tangent? Am I your friend?”

“I’d like that. But I’m not sure if I’ve earned it or not.”

“You’re sticking around to help me after I was a hothead and picked a fight with you. That kind of loyalty means a lot to me.”

“Thanks, Dash. Are you still worried about what our dear friends Discord and Fluttershy get up to in private?”

“You’re right, its not my business, as long as he doesn’t hurt her.” She sighed. “It’s hard to let go. I’ve always felt so protective of Fluttershy, ever since we were young. Its like I want her to be innocent forever, like…”

She shook her head and didn’t say any more.

“It’s reasonable to assume that she’s gotta grow up. It’s very loyal of you to want to protect her, but she has to make her own choices just like you have.”

Dash squirmed now.

“And you know darn well,” I continued, “that she is a strong mare - her ninety five percent timid pushover is backed up by five percent solid iron hardass where it counts. And about Discord, well I’m sure you’ve known mares who had much more normal coltfriends than the Lord of Chaos who ended up being utterly banal in their jerkhood. You got any friends who are abandoned single parents?”

“Yeah. I hate quitters!”

“And do you think Discord would abandon Miss Fluttershy?”

“No!”

“Well then, who cares if he is weird, am I right?”

“Tangent.” Dash had stopped outside the emergency entry at Ponyville General Hospital. “You’re right. And even if you were wrong, I’m sorry for kicking you.”

“All is forgiven, friend. You’re not the first mare to kick me around a bit.” I winked and realized the the side of my face was swollen. “Now lets get that wing, and leg, of yours looked at. Maybe I can get my eye iced while they examine you.”

Dash needed three stitches on her leg in addition to a splint on her wing. I was duly checked for concussion and given an ice pack. Nurse Redheart refrained from lecturing us, but her silent judgment spoke volumes.

Outside the E.R. we parted ways.

“Fluttershy’s gonna be so upset with me.”

“Dash, the only thing Miss Shy needs to know is that she finds herself realizing that she no longer has any doubt about your unwavering support of her life choices. How you reached that state of clarity is not her concern; she will not learn it from me.”

“Thank you, friend.”

—

I returned from another morning’s exploration of sylvan mysteries to find that Twilight was back from her mission.

After the kiss she stepped back to look at me.

“Tangent! You’ve got a black eye, what the hay? I was only gone for three days.”

“Heh!” I laughed, “you should see the other truck!”

“Who did this?”

“Let us just say that I gave as good as I got and we consider the matter to be closed.”

“Did you part as friends?”

“Yes, I think we really did. We worked out some crucial understanding.”

“Then as the Princess of Friendship, I must respect your judgment. But as a mare I really really want to know what the buck happened to my somepony special!”

“Well, dearest, I don’t want to gossip behind anypony’s back. I should ask the other pony if its okay to talk about our tiny spat—”

Before I could further avoid elaborating further Dash burst into the room “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry!” she gasped, out of breath from the unaccustomed effort of running on the ground instead of flying. “Please don’t be mad at me for—”

Dash stopped when she saw the amusement on Twilight’s face. “You’re… not mad?”

Twilight didn’t answer Dash’s question directly. Instead she spoke to me “You went hoof-to-hoof with Rainbow lighting-temper Dash and she got the worst of it? Did you go easy on her since she is a mare?”

“I wouldn’t dare!” I said and Dash snorted her agreement.

“Point taken,” said Twilight. “Well you really are a fairly solid earthpony in a scrap.”

“I’m sure it was just luck. Any other day she would have kicked my ass.”

“Bullshit, buddy,” Dash interjected, “you won fair and square.”

“Is your wing going to be okay?” Twilight asked her.

“Doc Cleaver says I can fly for short distances in three weeks. It’s just a bit of a sprain.”

“You know,” Twilight turned back to me, “it’s generally considered unsporting to hit a pony’s wing in a friendly brawl.”

“Actually I accidentally hit her in the backside with an apple after she buzzed me and that made her crash into a tree. I was aiming for her head but she was just too fast.”

“I’m surprised you could hit anything after I kicked you in the head twice, most ponies are smart enough to fall over the first time I kick them. Good thing you didn’t throw a banana! Imagine how that would look in a friendship report.” Dash struck a dramatic pose. “Dear Princess Cee,” she narrated, reading an imaginary letter to Celestia, “today Twilight’s lover claimed my virginity with a flying banana. He was acting in self defense and I have agreed not to… not to…not to press charges, if I can keep the banana.” Dash cracked herself up.

“Your highness,” I laughed, “I’d like my banana back, but only if she washes it.”

“Nooooooo don’t take the banana!”

“'Tis better to have banana’d and lost than to’ve never banana’d at all.”

Dash and I could hardly stand, we were laughing so hard.

“This is getting silly,” Twilight said as she smiled at our antics. “You two have worked through your conflict?”

“Yes ma’am!” we replied, saluting.

“Then as the Princess of Friendship I hereby declare this friendship crisis resolved.” She still smiled, but now there was sadness showing in her eyes .“Tartarus knows my mission was a flop.”