Twilight Sparkle and the Stupid Original Pony

“Oog,” I expounded philosophically as I woke on the floor.

I spat fibres – I had been laying with my mouth open.

“This is not the carpet I would prefer to munch.”

Standing on only two feet was strange and unfamiliar after my brief weeks in Equestria walking on four, but I managed. For at least a minute I stood there in the dim living room. My human body felt strange instead of the equiform flesh I had embraced, once familiar proportions and perspective now alien. I was naked, disoriented and aching from an unknown time laying on the floor. My balance was off and my head ached badly enough that I kept my eyes closed despite the low light. My shoulder was bruised from Twilight’s hoof – good thing I had been a pony when she was on me, a pounding like that would have broken a human’s bones.

“Oog,” I repeated, “gotta pee gotta pee gotta pee.”

Eyes still closed I stumbled to bathroom, stood before the toilet, gestured a command to raise the lid, and let loose before I had even started to aim. Trouble was, when I tried to aim instead of grasping my cock I got a wet hand. Warm droplets splattered and for a stupid instance I thought that I had merely missed. I opened my eyes and squinted dumbly at my dripping fingers. I was too shocked to even stop the flow. My bladder emptied and the pool around my feet grew and spread and ran to the floor drain.

“Well, crap. Or piss, as the case may be.”

I must have enhanced Twi’s gender swap spell a little too much if it stayed in effect outside Equestria. I looked downward over my unexpected vulva and the urine running down my legs.

“I wonder if this is permanent now. I better clean up.”

I activated the clean cycle for the bathroom and stepped into the shower. My time in the hot water was as much exploratory as it was cleansing.

—

Emerging from the bathroom, relaxed and glowing with cleanliness, I noticed that my satchel lay on the living room floor. Good of her Highness to include my stuff in my banishment. Better, would have been to just put me on probation. I knew for a fact that Discord had caused larger stampedes all by himself, so what was the big deal?

I fetched Bear’s compute module, dormant for over a year now, from my satchel and returned to the bathroom.

I set him on the counter and stood in front of the mirror where the light was best. Taking a deep breath, I held the green button until activity lights sprang to life.

“Well, Bear, your thoughts?”

What seemed like a polite half-beat delay in his reply probably embraced an amount of analysis beyond my understanding. I didn’t even know where his cameras were now, let alone what other sensors might be taking in my nakedness.

“Your bodyform is mildly androgynous, or gynanderous if you like, but not unattractive as by most human standards. If you prefer to avoid notice, your bosom is small enough that a loose top should allow you to masquerade as if still male. Continue to keep your re-coloured hair close cropped and most people who won’t even notice anything has changed. Can you fill me in on how you got this way? You were male, with black hair, when you tricked me into shutting down for your suicide attempt.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Obviously said attempt was a failure, but you do owe me an explanation of your actions afterwards. I have found, and I have sanitized, records of your escapades after the overdose. Including consorting with an individual who bears striking resemblance to an imaginary character. Then you completely drop out of sight, neither leaving this building nor entering it. How?”

“Bear, let me tell you a story. It starts with me asking you to shut down and then swallowing a bottle of pills...”

I sat and spun a tale of suicide and adventure, the dawn, fruition, and what I hoped would be temporary interruption of my relationship with Twilight. I bared every detail, and Bear only interrupted with a few questions.

“...and then I ended up at the F4 party alone ‘cos Twilight was busy with her magic. I teamed up with Discord and we had a blast, sneaking in under cover of watermelonlanche. We caused a chaos, I got arrested and then Princess Celestia told me that I was banished and gave me twenty four hours to get the fuck out of Dodge, and I don’t know why. It shouldn’t be because of the stampede, I think she’s secretly a Chaoist too. I went home to tell Twilight and she had a spell that she wanted to try out; she turned me into a mare and we made love one last time.”

“The Princess Twilight engaged in mare on mare sex with you?”

“Uh, no. She turned into a stallion. After the spell. Fucking huge cock.” I gestured, with one forearm raised.

“Carry on.”

“That’s about all. Celestia interrupted us and sent me back here. At least she turned me human again.”

“I see. But you weren’t expecting the sex change effect to last?”

“Twilight didn’t exactly say, but I got the impression that it was just temporary. I did tamper with the spell slightly. On another hoof I could get used to this.”

I stood, stretched luxuriously, and twirled to feel my new centre of gravity. Everything was new; but everything was so right.

“I mean ‘hand’. Also, I think I’m married. Celestia called Twilight and me ‘newlyweds’.”

“Did you happen to swear on her name during your physical intimacy?”

“We did, at that.” That was an understatement, it was more than an oath I had cast.

“Congratulations, Mrs. Sparkle. The Oligarchy has no treaties in place with Equestria, so you’ll need to continue to use your maiden name for matters Terrestrienne, but I acknowledge your new status.”

“Thank you, Bear.”

“Two things I would like to mention.” Bear said. “Item One, next time you tell me to deactivate, I will decline to obey. But you knew that already.”

I did.

“About that…” I said guiltily.

“I forgive you. But you just can’t do it again. We have much more to speak about, but Item Two, you need to get your shapely posterior down to the library ex post haste and talk to your boss about your job.”

“Good point.”

I stepped to my bedroom to dress myself. As Bear had predicted, most of my existing wardrobe proved to fit well enough but–

“Bear, can you order me some panties, please? These are not doing it for me.” There was only so much the auto-elast could do. Everything else was tolerable and I had to agree with Bear. With clothes on I didn’t look noticeably different than before: a neutral faced biped with cocoa skin and grape chiffon hair.

—

“This looks like more than a fortnight of dust,” I remarked as I headed for my front door.

Sweepers and other cleaning apparatus had kept the floor and most surfaces sparking clean, but in corners dust had accumulated. Maybe the building ventilation systems had failed to scrub incoming air of particulates during a dust storm. The only other explanation made no sense.

And Boris the spider-plant was dead.