A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL

A DIFFERENT KIND OF EVIL
MLP:FIM FANFIC

CHAPTER 3:

When we got to town I got kind of paranoid. Everypony was looking at me. But I guess that could have been from all the weapons I had strapped to me, or the eyes, or that Applejack was using me as a mobile leaning post. Either way I didn’t like it. I’m pretty sure I even heard whispering somewhere.

We met Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity at sugarcube corner, and for some reason went elsewhere for lunch. (Probably because a sweet shop didn’t exactly have healthy food on the menu.) We ended up at an outdoor place called the brohoof bistro. I couldn’t help but snort at the name. Once we were seated and the waiter left to get our drinks, and give us a sec to decide what to eat, we started chatting. At least there is chocolate milk in Equestria, even though I got a strange look for ordering a little kid drink (Pinkie Pie ordered it too) I think it went well for my first interaction with the general population. At least I was sitting next to Applejack.

Of course the first thing Twilight said got me even more strange looks from everypony around. “So Jens, what do you eat?” I have to start thinking before I speak. Everypony seemed horrified after I replied. “Well, ah’m guessin ya’ll don’t have much for meat-based food round here, so whatever aint dry grass ah guess.” It took a second for the whole place to finish gasping. “Ahh, fuck. Ah just said that eh?” another gasp. This wasn’t going well anymore, but still better than I expected. At least Twilight saved my ass. She’s pretty cool. “Would everypony here please mind their own business!” everypony did. And the conversation kept on. “So, do you eat fruit or vegetables?” don’t know why, but I smiled. “Oh yeah, ah’m an omnivore.” I puffed up my chest. “Sides, ya live with muh pa fer awhile you learn to eat things that would make a billygoat puke.” (RAMBO!) Everypony I was sitting with started laughing.

Out of the blue Rarity sniffed the air and had to ask something embarrassing. Buzz-Killington right here. “Excuse me, but how long has it been since you cleaned yourself?” I started rubbing the back of my head. “Well, probly about two weeks.” Everypony recoiled. Even Applejack stopped leaning on me (aww). And Rarity decided to push it. I really didn’t like her. “OH! Now THAT is unacceptable! How can one go so long without bathing!?” I was kind of pissed and embarrassed at the same time. “It’s not like ah don’t bath by choice. The water tank in muh house blew open, an the lake is too cold to swim in right now. If it means so much to ya, ah’ll lump in the first lake ah see.” That was good enough for everyone but Rarity. “Alright, but you must also do something with your mane. I simply cannot have any friend of mine dating a pony with such an atrocious sense of hygiene.” She had a point. “Okay, that’s true. ah do need a haircut, and if Applejack is nice enough to let me take her out, then I should at least keep myself lookin good for her.” (There goes the accent, funny how that works.) Rarity suddenly got that creepy “I’m gonna take things too far” look. “IDEEEA! I just happen to have a few spa day coupons at home I’ve been saving for a special occasion. We should all go spend the afternoon there. Get a massage, a good grooming, maybe a pony-Pedi. My treat.” Everypony agreed but me. Now usually this is where I draw the line, but I did really want to meet Aloe and Lotus, the massage sounded really good too, and I might get to see Applejack with her hair down, so fuck the line. During that thought Applejack spoke up. “Well, your call Jens.” I made an “I surrender” face. “Okay, deal. Just don’t take this too far, alright.” I’m pretty sure nopony expected that, but they were all beaming. This won’t end well.

We ate lunch, which was actually pretty good for not having meat, and made our way over to Rarity’s boutique. I admit it was pretty cool. We waited in the main room while Rarity got the tickets. Pinkie Pie had a brainwave. “Hey, Jens. Why don’t you leave your clothes here, you know, so you don’t scare ponies with all the knives?” I almost hugged her. “Great idea Pinkie, but I really think I should ask before leaving stuff somewhere.” She went to ask Rarity right away. If she wasn’t so random, Twilight and Fluttershy might have suspected something in the way she seemed so excited to get my clothes off. As for me, AJ, and Dash, we were having a hard time not bursting out laughing. Pinkie came rocketing back in a few seconds later. “She says just leave them by the door, now get em off.” I barely kept my wings down.

I got my clothes off, (in relative privacy this time) and we were ready to go. Once we were moving Twilight noticed my cutie mark. “Hey Jens, what does your cutie mark, or cutie marks, mean?” I looked at her, since she was right beside me, well, on the other side of Applejack. (Yay, she was leaning on me again!) “Well, they kind of run together. That’s the rebel flag on top, so... duh, professional redneck. And the bullet... don’t really know.” She just rolled her eyes. “Humans are so strang- WAIT! Professional redneck?” she moved really close and started examining my neck. Big laugh from me an AJ. “No, my neck aint really red. It’s a type of person.” Twilight seemed intrigued. “Please explain.” “Well, it’s like this. Ya got city folks, gangsters, and rednecks. City folks are more of the really fancy, really rich types who can’t actually work for shit. Gangsters are city folks that got a good dose of stupid when they were born, and they think wearing clothes wrong is cool for some reason. And then there’s rednecks. We got the best of the deal. Most of us don’t got lot’s o money, so we fix something ourselves when it breaks. We all work for a living, instead of sitting in some fancy office jackin’ off all day.” Everypony laughed their asses off. Don’t really know when they started listening. “An the best part is, we don’t take shit from nobody. Cuz we do shit right. No holding guns sideways like an idiot, no tiny ass cars that get stuck in an inch o snow, and we never fuck with a girl. Ya know, cuz redneck girls can beat the shit out o ya if ya do.” Applejack punched me in the shoulder. “At’s right big boy.” Everypony started laughing. “Dam, AJ. Ya know you would make a great boxer if apple farmin don’t work out.” Rainbow Dash hit the ground laughing. “Yeah, you should see her when she tries.” That kind of scared me, but made me really proud of her at the same time. The rest of the walk was small talk about random stuff.

When we got to the spa, I was impressed. It was a pretty big building. Two pink and blue mares came to greet us. Rarity levitated up the tickets. “Hello Aloe, hello Lotus. (couldn’t believe that is actually their names) my friends and I would like to redeem these coupons, and this young buck desperately needs some work.” I didn’t mind that because it was true, and I like being called a buck, it sounds badass. Aloe walked up to me and held out a hoof. “Hello, you must be new to town, I’m Aloe, what is your name?” she had the cutest voice. “Names Jens, pleasure to meet ya, Miss Aloe.” I shook her hoof. Turns out she is awesome. “The pleasure is all mine, and please, there is no need for formalities, you can just call me Aloe if you want.” I was probably grinning like an idiot again. “Sounds good, Aloe.” She giggled. I wondered if she thought I was hitting on her or not. Either way she took it was good. “So what kind of treatments were you thinking of getting?” I scratched the back of my head again. “Well, to be honest, I’ve never done this stuff before, so I guess that’s up to you.” I ruffled up my mane. “This needs to get taken care of, I guess, an’ ah do want to look good, so whatever ya feel like doin, ah guess, got a few hours ta kill.” She giggled again. Something about it, just so cute. “You have an interesting accent.” I facehoofed. “Sorry, ah can’t really control it, jus sorta happens when it does.” She giggled again. Jesus, how many ponies do I have a crush on all of a sudden? She gestured for a door. “Right this way, we’ll start with haircuts, then.” We all followed her in. I went with her to get a haircut, and the girls followed Lotus to get something called a moisturising wrap.

Once we were in the place to cut hair Aloe turned to me. “So have you ever gotten a trim before?” once again I started acting nervous. Dam this pony, she makes me nervous. “Uh, kinda. Dad jus gets us ta stand outside an does it.” she gave me a weird look and gestured to something that looked like a massage table. “Okay, well, just lay on this, put your face in the hole, and relax.” I smiled at her, and she smiled back. If Applejack didn’t have dibs, I would have been hitting on her, as it was, I was just being nice. “Ah c’n do that.” I hopped on the table and did as I was told. She asked “do you have any particular style in mind?” I gave her a look that she understood. I know nothing about this crap. “As long as it doesn’t get in my eyes after I go swimmin, and it doesn’t look gay, I’m happy” she shoved a hoof in her mouth to try and suppress the laugh, but she took it out right away and started laughing. “...HAHAHA... sorry, most boys who come in here ARE gay.” We both laughed. “Let me rephrase that. As long as it doesn’t get in my eyes, and girls think it looks good, I’m happy.” She giggled, then pushed my head back down. Dam, forceful. “I’ll do my best, just know that I don’t know that many buck styles.” I half mumbled “just cut it all a little short, think practical and tactical.” She paused for a second. “I don’t really know what that means, but okay, I’ll try.”

About halfway through the haircut she had to ask, “So, do you have a marefriend?” I almost jumped, don’t know why, but I did. “Uhh, kinda, Applejack said she would go out with me.” Then I got a brainwave. “Can I ask you something?” she nodded. “it’s just, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash kind of... made a move on me, all at once, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it happened but... do you think you might know a reason why?” let me explain something. I have no idea why I do or say what I do most of the time. IT JUST HAPPENS. Instinct, stupidity, or whatever, I usually act then think. Maybe the redneck gene, but whatever. Anyway, she stopped, and made the last 18 hours make sense. “Well, three things, most mares are... let’s just say... umm... AHHH! Most mares are really horny this time of year. (Oh god yes) You are actually, if you don’t mind me saying, very cute for such a big buck. (Score!) And, well, five of the girls you are with never had coltfreinds before. And anypony can guess that Rarity is the exception.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “That hussy.” We both laughed really hard. “That would be rude if she was here. So, did that help?” “You have no idea” aloe continued cutting my hair while we talked. “Would I be a douche if I... took advantage of the opportunity?” she tugged my hair a bit. “Well, yes and no. I’m sure they would appreciate that you helped them suppress their urges so they can actually focus during the day, but like you said, you would be taking advantage.” “What if they actually like me? Would it be worse that I didn’t help them?” she slapped me on the back of the head. Ow. “Well duh.” “Okay, so how do I find out?” she cuffed me again. “Ow. Stop that” “then quit being so dumb.” That was mean. “Sorry, I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with girls.” She froze. “How is that possible for a buck like you? You must have to hide from the mares.” I chuckled a little bit. “I’m flattered that you think that, but no. I live kind of on my own. And the girls I do know where I’m from hate me.” Aloe cracked me across the back. That hurt like fuck. (Very sensitive area remember) “What the fuck was that for!?” she casually started cutting my hair again. “That was for being mean to mares that might have liked you.” Oh, right, she doesn’t know. “They hate me because I don’t let thieves onto my property.” She paused, and then kept going. “In that case, sorry.” Now I was a little annoyed. “You’re sorry. For cracking me across the back, or assuming I’m a douche.” If I could see her, I bet I would have seen a sorry face. “Well, both.” She changed her tone. “Let me make it up to you.” “How?” if my brain worked properly, I would have noticed that tone right away. As it was... yeah. I literally bounced right off the table after she reached down and... Guess what she started rubbing. I got up and started backing up. “Woah, I appreciate the offer, but Applejack’s got first dibs, and Pinkie and Dash have seconds.” She got a sour face on. “Fine, then. How about this? You said you are with Applejack? And that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash might want to be with you too?” I nodded. “Okay, then. Have you ever heard of a couple’s massage?” “No.” She looked almost embarrassed that she asked such an obvious question. “Well, I think you’ll like this then. When we are getting ready for massages, I’ll try to get you four in a separate room, at the very least you and Applejack. You with me so far?” I nodded. “The way the massage works is that one of the girls will lay on your back, (sounds good) I will massage her, and the motions will be transferred through her body into yours.” I nodded my head really fast, grinning. “Fuck yeah, let’s do it!” she started giggling again. “Okay then, back on the table.”

As soon as the haircut was done I was shown to the giant tub where the girls were waiting. Applejack, Dash, and Pinkie looked excited to see me. I was just as excited, but probably for a different reason. I hopped in and swam over to Applejack. Well, less swam then waded. Ponies weren’t made for swimming. Applejack had her hair down. Holy shit did that look good. I think I heard angels singing when I first saw her. She pulled me up really close, then Pinkie dumped a bucket of soapy-water on my head. My reaction was very much less than graceful. What with freaking out a little bit. Everypony else found it hilarious. Rainbow Dash scooted over once she was done laughing. “What’s the matter? Scared of water? Or is it the soap?” she fell back splashing and laughing again. I didn’t care. The bath was actually relaxing, and the underwater seats were awesome too. Luxury to the max. Applejack stopped laughing and started scrubbing my back. Fucking fuck did that feel awesome. “Well, yer new style did look good, for a bit anyway.” I snorted. “Really?” she wrapped her forelegs around my neck and started hugging me from behind. “Ya ah did. It looked cool.” I managed to get her grip loosened and swing her around in front of me so I could hug her back, and lean back. “Well, soon as muh hair dries it should look like ‘at again.” Applejack suddenly leaned in and kissed me again. I couldn’t get used to it. Eyes big, irises tiny, and stiff as a board. Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity gasped. Don’t know why, this wasn’t brand new. And Twilight had to be a buzz-kill. She levitated Applejack off of me and plopped her into the water. She didn’t like that. “Uhh, Applejack? I think you should wait until you know him a bit better before you get into... that kind of... stuff.” Applejack walked right over to Twilight and stared her down. Fuck did Twilight look scared. “Ah don’t rightly think that’s any of yer business. He’s mah buck, so ah c’n do what ah want with him.” I was really fucking close to squealing. “I second that motion!” Had to say it. I love that girl. It only made my day better when she waded over to me and started kissing me again. We kind of made out and washed each other at the same time for awhile. Fuck was that hot. The girls were jealous as hell, I could feel it. Especially Dash and Pinkie. I couldn’t believe the whole “he’s not really a pony” deal came up.

Of course it couldn’t last. Aloe and Lotus came in and disrupted us. (Most likely by request of the other girls) “Excuse me, but it is time for massages, if you could follow us please.” I groaned as Applejack got off of me, but I instantly remembered what was coming, so I shut up and played the good boy.

As soon as me and Applejack were shown to the massage room, by ourselves, (no Pinkie or Dashie, aww) Aloe explained what was going to happen, I’ll give you the rundown. Applejack got some weird smelling, slimy shit on her belly, I got it on my back. I was shown (forcefully) to a mattress on the floor by Aloe. (Still pissed) and Applejack used my back and neck as a mattress and pillow. Not so bad, I guess. Then the massage started. Fuck. I had literally never been that physically relaxed, or calm before, and it was a second-hand massage. Second hoof, whatever. I was almost scared I was gonna forget to breathe. Every motion put on Applejack’s back really did make its way through to me. They also caused Applejack to push into my back a little harder, so I felt more. Don’t forget the back is really fucking sensitive. I was seriously borderline passing out from pure relaxation. Applejack kept me awake by kissing the back of my neck. Hundred percent she was loving this as much as I was. Fucking fuck, everything that was happening was dragging me into a deeper state of bliss. Aloe seemed to notice my over-relaxation and backed off. “Well, well, looks like the two of you really like this.” How I was able to speak is beyond me. “Yup, ah’m hopelessly addicted.” Applejack gave a little snicker. “Addicted to what?” I craned my neck to give her a kind of backwards nuzzle. “You.” She nuzzled right in to the back of my neck and settled in. That’s it, never moving again. Aloe walked over with a tray in her mouth with three cups on it and set it down next to us. “You two are making my job so easy with your newfound sensitivity, I thought we’d take an iced-tea break before we move on to the deeper massages. Drink up.” We took our time drinking the iced-tea, which tasted like brisk. We chatted a bit, and Aloe explained that the next two hours were gonna be a definite new experience for the both of us. One thing came up though that might be of interest. Aloe wanted to dig into our previous conversation. “So Applejack, what drew you to this young buck?” Applejack got really nervous. “Um... well... ah, um... he...” “C’mon Jackie, ah kinda wanna know why ya took such a quick shinin’ ta me too.” I instantly regretted calling her Jackie. She landed a quick punch to my ribs, really hard, and she didn’t even have to move from her perch upon my back. “OW... uhh, sorry. Ah jus wanna know... ah mean, if ya don’t wanna, you’re the boss, but pleeease?” that landed me a nice pat on the head. I liked it. Don’t judge, you would have to. “Fine, but ya’ll gotta promise me that this stays between the three of us, kay?” I couldn’t believe she was gonna say this in front of Aloe, they must be really good friends. She moved to use my head as a neck rest and bend her head down to look into my eyes upside down. Equestria kicks ass. “Well, there’s jus somethin about ya’ll. Ah’ve never really been into this whole romance thing, but ah have wanted that kind of... relationship fer a long time.” She had my full attention like my life depended on absorbing every word. “But ah never found anypony who ah liked, or liked me. So ah kinda just pushed it aside till now.” She seemed to take notice of my giant puppy dog eyes, in all their pupil-less, night-vision having, awesomeness. “Aww. Looks like somepony’s in love.” I half-whispered “yeah.”

Of course that’s when shit had to start hitting the fan. Equestria kicked ass, but sometimes it can really piss you off. Somepony in the next room screamed. I was up instantly, and pissed. No one ruins my Applejack time. Speaking of which, she slid off my back as I got up. Slimy shit proves useful. Anyway, I opened the door and saw three griffins, two dudes and one girl. One had a gun, the other two had knives. They were standing in a row right in front of me. Too fucking easy. I grabbed the dude with a knife by the throat, threw his ass down, and gave him a one-hoof buck to the face. He was down. My voice got way deeper than it should be, like, perfect scary voice. “Catch you fuckers at a bad time?” the other two spun around and started backing up. “GET BACK! OR YOU’LL END UP IN THE HOSPITAL!” I started advancing. They were really scared. “You DON’T know who you’re fucking with.” Right about then I made a REALLY funny observation, and I totally lost all traces of seriousness. “Is that a fucking musket!?” the griffin dude looked almost proud. “Yeah, it’ll kill you from a hundred yards away. So back off.” I started laughing. The griffin got offensive. “SHUT UP!” I stopped laughing, but I was far from serious. “Okay, fine what do ya want? And why did you come in here by yourselves?” I had no idea if they were alone, but it helps to have Intel. I was right, they were alone. “How do you know that?” I had a sly smile on. “You answer first.” everypony slithered away into a corner, behind some cover. Good, I was about to make my move, right after he answered the question. “Here’s a hint. I have a gun, you have money, I want it. Ya get it? Now answer, how did ya know we’re alone?” “I didn’t, you just told me.” I turned so he could see my cutie mark. “Ya see this? It symbolises that I am the best, gun or not. So, either leave now, or both of you are going to have a very, very bad day.” They both started shaking. This was going to be too easy. I spun around, stood up, grabbed the barrel, which was pointing to my right, and pulled it really stupidly across to my left, and back. There was a shot, and I felt a little bit of stinging on my left side, but I didn’t think it hit anything. Probably just the flash. As he moved forward I gave him one mother fucker of a right to the face. He dropped like a bag o hammers. I couldn’t help but smile. The girl, who looked like that Gilda bitch, came at me, knife in hand. I grabbed her arm and flipped her onto her back. Guarantee the last thing she saw before she was out was a big green hoof. Normally I can’t do shit like that, but it didn’t surprise me. Woke up in Equestria as a pony, got guns and trucks rich people don’t have, found out someone fucked with my DNA, got Applejack as a girlfriend, three other girls trying to get me into bed, and can apparently fight like Zohan, all in day one. Nothing else is ever going to surprise me. I went back down on all fours so I could get a better look at them. “Dumbasses.” Pinkie Pie screamed. “SOMEPONY GET A FIRST AID KIT!!!” I giggled a bit. “Oh come on, they’re fine. Trust me, it could be WAY worse.” She ran up and pushed me over. Everypony jumped into action. Twilight floated a first aid kit off of a wall and over to Pinkie Pie, everypony else was pinning me down. I had no idea what was going on. “What the hell are you doing?” nopony answered, but I put two and two together and looked at down.
Sure as shit I took a bullet. Well, not really. It was pretty bad though. The ball slid along my side, just under my wing, (count myself lucky) and made a gash about three-quarters of an inch deep, that much wide, and six or eight inches long. I was bleeding really badly all over the floor, and still all I felt was the equivalent of a paper cut. Twilight and Pinkie Pie were ripping gauze packages open and kind of overdoing it on the bandaging. The whole time I was getting bandaged up I was trying to calm everypony down. “Seriously, it’s not that bad. Just calm down.” Of course they didn’t listen until one of the griffins got up. Then I had to give another right to the face, which made them freak out even more. But since I was standing again I decided that enough was enough. Bandages were done five minutes before, the rest was Twilight fiddling with them and everypony else getting kind of annoying telling me I was gonna be fine. “Everyone just SHUT UP!!!” they finally did. I spoke very clearly. “Alright, now, someone go get someone to deal with these dicks...” I gestured to the griffins. Fluttershy took off. “And someone tie their sorry asses up.” Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Aloe took to that. Twilight and Pinkie walked over to me, and Twilight picked me up with her magic. I started waving my legs around trying to grab something. “Okay, that’s done, now we need to get you to a doctor before this gets worse.” I gave up, and just let myself hang. “Is it too much to ask for jus one day where ah c’n relax an be happy?” Twilight set me down on a mattress. “Oh, come on. Your day wasn’t that bad, was it?” I looked at her. “Nope, this is the best day of muh life, an’ ah got shot, kinda. How bad is that?” I laid my head down and huffed. Applejack finished tying the would-be robbers up, and walked over to lay beside me. She wiggled right up close and nuzzled me on the neck. “Aw, come on loverboy, ya’ll jus need t get yerself fixed up an’ we’ll have a great day tomorrow, promise.” I grabbed her and gave her a big bear-hug. “Ah’m feelin better now.” We got into a nuzzle fight, and then Twilight walked over and cleared her throat. “I might be able to help, on one condition.” I raised my head “huh?” “I have a few books on healing spells at the library. I think I can get you fixed up right away, but in return I would like to examine you, today.” I was on my hooves ready to rock. “Then let’s go.” Applejack cut in. “now hang on a sec, Twilight. What do ya mean? ya’ll want to inspect him? For what?” Twilight smiled, but it was a nervous smile. “I said would like to examine him. I’m very curious as to how he can change between pony and hu-.” She cut herself off as we all realised the cops, Aloe, and Lotus were standing right behind us. Like fucking ninjas. Twilight started walking to the door really quick. “Well, shall we?” we exchanged some awkward goodbyes and started walking. Pinkie Pie came running up and started walking with us. “Ooh, I’ve never seen an alien examination before, well, except in that one play, but that was SOOOOOO fake.” Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes in silent agreement. Pinkie Pie is so random. Then Rainbow Dash came shooting over from somewhere, carrying my vest. “Here, take it, it’s really heavy.” I let her drop it on my back. “Well, no. It’s designed to stop high-power, armor-piercing rifle rounds, it’ll be super light.” She had to make the joke. “Maybe you should never take it off, seeing as you can’t go three hours without getting shot.” All four of them started laughing. “Oh yeah, make fun of the guy who’s hurt.” Rainbow Dash landed and started walking with us. “So where are you guys going?” Pinkie Pie burst out. “Twilight’s gonna do all kinds of experiments on Jens, and we’re gonna watch. Wanna come?” Rainbow Dash giggled. “Yeah sure, I’ll come. Ya know, in case Jens tries to eat somepony. Always helps to have a hero around.” All of us laughed. Twilight clarified the Pinkie rant. “Actually, I’m gonna close up that big gash on his side, and examine him to see just how much of him is a pony.” I spoke up. “Well, I think I’m all pony like this, and all human when I am human.” Applejack poked me in the side. “Ah think you’re right.” I turned and looked at her. “Ya know, that would have hurt like hell if I could feel it.” she blushed. “Oh, sorry.” “It’s cool.” The rest of the walk was okay... until we got kind of around the middle of town.