Cthulhu vs the Flying Spaghetti Monster

An evil coldness seemed to be spreading through the night. The malicious force was indescribable. It took a solid physical form, but its geometry seemed not of this world. Light itself shied away from the demented figure. Its vile aura seemed to repel everything good and holy. Nothing could satisfy the thing’s ravenous desire to bring pure pain, misery and fear to all decent ponies. This unimaginable horror could only be a rip-off of the most overused Lovecraftian monster.

~~~\o/~~~

Twilight Sparkle awoke in a freezing sweat. The nightmares were becoming worse. It had started with a few bad dreams a few weeks earlier, but it had grown to the point where she was terrified of sleep itself. She groaned tiredly and used her unicorn magic to open the curtains and gaze outside, immediately regretting her action. Celestia’s brilliant sun shone into her face, burning like the bitumen of a thousand car parks on a Summer day. The unicorn was convinced Celestia was making the sun especially bright just to screw with her at this point.

Blinking dopily, the scholar let her eyes adjust to the brightness before dragging herself out of bed and heading to the window. She took a moment to take in the view. Beautiful marble buildings, designed by the greatest architects Equestria had ever known, lined the pristine streets of Canterlot. The sun reflected obnoxiously from every surface in the city, a tribute from the people of the city to their unquestionable overlord. The lavender pony shook her head in disgust. Everything was too damn shiny and perfect. She hated it.

Twilight let out another groan before allowing her gaze to fall to the street. There they were. Her intellectual inferiors. Each one of them stupidly went about their business, enjoying their inherited money, carrying themselves in a disgustingly self-important and stuck up manner. As the lavender pony did battle with her own mind to make herself wake up, she wasn’t sure if she envied them or loathed them.

This was no state for one of Equestria’s greatest minds to be in. The thousandth Summer Sun Celebration was mere weeks away, and there was no way the unicorn could write a decent report on the subject if she couldn’t even sleep leading up to the big day. Although she generally preferred to handle things on her own, Twilight concluded that she should consult a doctor before the nightmares took over her entire life.

~~~\o/~~~

The doctor listened carefully as his patient described her problem. Bizarre nightmares, like nothing from this world. She had always been such a good girl, and he couldn’t believe she would get caught up in anything like this. He’d heard rumours about this sort of thing; things uttered in hushed tones amongst the academic world. Surely, such blasphemies weren’t genuine. Still, it couldn’t hurt to ask.

“I don’t suppose,” he inquired slowly, “you’ve come into contact with any evil enchantresses lately?”

“Not that I’m aware of,” the unicorn replied cautiously.

“Well, I’m stumped.”

“That’s all you’ve got for me? I’m a student, doctor, I can’t afford to pay medical bills for ‘I’m stumped’. Isn’t there more you can do?”

“Probably, but med school was a long time ago. Things have changed, and I can’t remember it so good.”

“Aren’t you supposed to stay up to date with the medical journals?”

“Probably. Tell you what, why don’t we give you a bunch of drugs, see what that does, and go from there?”

“Do you even care about your patients?”

Here the doctor smiled politely at his patient, charmed by her youthful ignorance. Kids say the darndest things. “Now Twilight,” he said in a very slow, understanding manner, “no pony becomes a doctor because they care about others. Ponies become doctors so they can feel superior to others.”

“I see,” at this point, the academic was backing out of the room, “well, doc, thanks for all the help. I’m sure you don’t mind if I get a second opinion, though.”

“Any time!” the doctor replied long after his patient had left the room.

~~~\o/~~~

After visiting four more doctors, Twilight was thoroughly annoyed at getting the exact same response from each of them. She walked down the streets of Canterlot with her head held low in defeat. Her mind was occupied with a matter of great urgency: would it be better to write an angry letter, or a report reviewing the entire medical profession? The former would be much quicker, but the latter would be much more fun. At the end of the day, there was never any choice.

As the scholar entered her room, she felt the most peculiar sensation throughout her entire body. Sweat broke on her brow as shivers ran down her spine. Something just didn’t feel right, like an unnatural presence had possessed the room. Closing the door, she put her back to the window, the room’s only source of light. Her heart jumped to her throat. Projected against the door was her own silhouette, standing beside the shadow of another pony. With a sharp gasp, the unicorn spun around to confront the intruder. There was no pony there. After a brief hesitation, Twilight shuddered and dismissed the creepy feeling. It was probably nothing.

Laughing uncomfortably to herself, the lavender pony decided to take a nap. The restless nights were really taking their toll on her.

~~~\o/~~~

For the first time in weeks, Twilight had a good night’s sleep. She fell into a deep slumber as soon as her head hit the pillow, with splendid dreams of relaxation and joy. The nightmarish figures had been replaced by fluffy kittens, puppy dogs and research reports. Her afternoon nap turned into an eighteen hour doze.

The scholar felt like it was going to be a good day. She bounced out of bed and smiled widely. Celestia’s sun felt wonderfully warm on her skin; a yellow glow to brighten up her day. Outside the windows, colourful birds were singing beautiful songs of joy, praising the magnificent city, the magnificent morning, and the magnificent sun. Hopping out of bed, the unicorn smiled to herself before turning to the bedroom mirror. Her jolly mood was immediately shattered when she saw the reflection of a pink pony standing next to her.

Spinning around, Twilight fired up her horn. She’d catch the intruder this time! Horn full of power and eyes full of rage, she growled and stood defiantly against her unwelcome guest.  Once again, there was no pony there. She stared wildly around the room in confusion for a moment. Was she going crazy? Were the nightmares and hallucinations symptoms of her insanity?

“What in the name of Celestia is going on here?” she demanded of them empty room.

“You know,” replied a high pitched voice with no discernible source, “talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity.”

The unicorn froze. She had a suspicion about where the voice was coming from, but didn’t want to confirm it. Still, she couldn’t just stand there. Swallowing hard, she resolved herself to take action. Turning to face the mirror again, she saw the reflection of a pink, frizzy-haired pony smiling back at her.

“Hi!” the pink pony grinned, “I’m Pinkie Pie.”

“Ah-“ Twilight stifled her scream, “What are you doing in my room? More importantly, what are you doing in my mirror? HOW are you in my mirror? This doesn’t make any kind of sense!”

“Silly Twilight. That’s just my reflection. You know how mirrors work, right?”

Twilight stared silently at the happy pony in the mirror for a moment. At least she didn’t look dangerous. Probably just some idiot playing a practical joke with some basic magic. She was an earth pony, but it couldn’t be too difficult to find a unicorn interested in playing a prank on the local egghead. Satisfied with this conclusion, the scholar turned around. Sure enough, the real pink pony was standing right there, smiling back at her.

“What are you doing in my room?” the unicorn repeated.

Here the earth pony cocked her head and rolled her eyes back. Her brow furrowed and her lips skewed, as if she was struggling to remember something. “You are Twilight Sparkle, BA, magical doctorate candidate and Celestia’s favourite pupil. You’ve been top of all your classes throughout your academic career, apart from in magic kindergarten. You come from a well-to-do family and your brother, Shining Armour, is captain of the royal guard. You struggle to make friends, focusing strictly on scholastic pursuits. Is that correct?”

Twilight nodded with a weak smile. It wouldn’t take much digging to find that much out about her, but it was unsettling nonetheless. The only thing stopping her from calling the guards was her curiosity.

“Great,” the pink pony continued, “you’ve recently been experiencing some terrible nightmares. You can never explain it quite right to any pony who will listen. You know there’s something to your visions, but you also know no pony will believe you. Apart from last night, where I kept the ghosties away, each night has been worse than the last. It’s starting to take over your life. Is that right?”

The earth pony smiled at the stunned silence. She had been doing this long enough to know the answer was “yes”. After a brief pause, she proceeded, “We live in a dangerous world, Twi. There are some real meanies out there. Evil things. The things of nightmares! They normally stay out of the lives of ponies. Every now and then, some wicked ponies will try to bring the evil into our world. Normally for their own gain. Some of us, like you and me, have a sense for this sort of thing. A darkness is coming, Twi. I know you can feel it. We want your help to stop it.”

“Who ARE you?”

“I told you, I’m Pinkie Pie.”

“No, I mean... what do you WANT?”

“I told you, we live in a dangerous world, Twi. There are some real-”

“That’s not what I meant!” the confused unicorn interrupted, “how, EXACTLY, do you think I can help?”

“All you have to do is come take down the baddies with us. The nightmares won’t go away ‘till the meanies are gone.”

“What do you mean ‘us’? There’s only one of you!”

Pinkie Pie clapped her hoof to her forehead before giggling, “Oh, right. I’m from an organisation called the church of the FSM. Don’t let the name put you off, we’re not real religious. We’re an order devoted to keeping Equestria evil-free. Probably should have started with that, huh?”

“FSM?”

“That’s right, FSM.”

“I got that, but what’s it stand for?”

“We stand for all that is good and pure-”

“No, what is FSM and acronym for?”

“Acronym?”

“What’s it stand for?”

“We stand for all that is-”

“I’m not helping you unless you tell me.”

The two ponies stared each other down for a moment. Twilight’s expression was one of stern determination. Her stance was strong and defiant; she was making it clear that she wouldn’t back down. Pinkie could see there was no way the unicorn would budge. Looking to the ground, she mumbled inaudibly.

“What was that?”

Pinkie mumbled slightly louder.

“One more time.”

The earth pony snorted in frustration, giving in under the piercing gaze of the unicorn. It was the only way to move the conversation along. “Flying Spaghetti Monster,” she finally said.

“The church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?”

“We call ourselves Pastafarians.”

Another silence ensued as the earth pony tried to read Twilight’s face. She wasn’t giving any hint of how well she was taking any of this. Her face now reflected incredulity and confusion more than anything. For some reason Pinkie couldn’t quite figure out, this was the usual reaction she got whenever she broke into some pony’s house, spent the night there, then came up behind them in the morning, claiming to be part of the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, an organisation devoted to protecting Equestria from evil. If only ponies were more friendly and open minded.

“So, you’re crazy,” Twilight finally said, breaking the silence, “leave before I call the guards.”

This was another response Pinkie had grown used to. Not just while recruiting, either. All her work, social and romantic endeavours seemed to end this way. Her eyes welled up and she bowed her head sadly. She only wanted to do good and make others happy, but ponies kept pushing her away. Still, she didn’t fancy spending another night in the dungeons, so she resolved to oblige. She slowly walked to the window and cast it open.

“I know it’s crazy, but so are your nightmares. There’s nothing sane about this world, but at least we can make it an enjoyable insanity. Randomness isn’t fun when it’s evil. Let me know when you change your mind.”

With that, the crazy pony leapt out the window.