Cthulhu vs the Flying Spaghetti Monster

While Rainbow Dash kept Fluttershy busy on the third floor, Twilight stood on the second level and gazed at the river dreamily. The cabin on the second floor had large windows along each wall, save for the area towards the stern that was occupied by the stairwell. It allowed for a pleasant view of the river, and the unicorn observed that they were entering the forest.  She quickly became lost in her own thoughts, as she so often was, and the peaceful water seemed to make things clearer. The silent tranquillity was far removed from the busy streets of the capital. Her splendid isolationism from reality was interrupted by Rarity, who stood beside her and smiled.

“So, how are you taking all of this?” the white mare asked.

“It’s insane,” Twilight replied flatly.

“I quite agree with you,” Rarity smiled, “Pinkie’s style is certainly... well, let’s say unconventional. Anyway, I do see the logic behind taking the boat. She probably wants you to get your sea legs. Piracy is a proud Pastafarian tradition. If there is a battle, we’ll need to take to the high seas on a pirate ship. Global warming is the result of declining piracy, you know.”

Twilight turned to face the white mare, her face skewed with incredulity. “This is insanity,” she repeated.

“Truly,” replied Rarity with a light chuckle, “Pinkie is, without a doubt, insane. Regardless, she is the most esteemed Pastafarian, and the leader of the Ponyville chapter.”

“The craziest of you is the leader. How does that even happen?”

“Look, I was like you when I first joined. I was in contact with the FSM before I joined the Ponyville chapter, and when I met the pony who was, supposedly, the greatest Pastafarian of our time, I was simply astonished. At first, I thought they handed me the wrong dossier. I couldn’t believe Pinkie was the mare they described. Third generation Canterlot Academy, top of her class, Everfree, privateer, about a thousand decorations, et cetera. Then I heard her voice, and it really put the hook in me, but I couldn’t connect the voice with this mare. She had an impressive career. Maybe too impressive. I mean, perfect. She was being groomed for one of the top slots in the corporation. Admiral, Chief of Pastas, anything. In 1998, she returned from a tour with the Advisory Command in Hayseed, and things started to slip. Her report to the joint Chiefs of Pasta was restricted. Seems they didn’t like what she had to tell them. Anyway, that portfolio... it doesn’t match this mare. I’ve known her in passing since before I became a Pastafarian, and I’ve been in her chapter for just under a year. I still don’t entirely trust her.”

“You’re no Martin Sheen, Rarity. Nice effort, though,” said Pinkie. She wasn’t there a minute ago. It was like she’d just materialised out of thin air.

“Pinkie, I, err... wait, what?”

“You know, Captain Willard? No? Not important. Anyway, words can hurt, Rarity.”

“Pinkie, I-”

“I don’t know if I want to let you talk. Last time I heard you talk, you broke my heart.”

“Pinkie-”

“I mean, we’ve known each other for so long,” Pinkie said slowly, skewing her face in distress, “what possible reason do you have to not trust me?”

“Pinkie-”

“Alright, I’ll let you talk. Let’s see if you can dig yourself out of this one.”

“Pinkie, who’s driving the boat?”

Pinkie seemed to freeze, staring back at Rarity expressionlessly. It looked like the pony had finally snapped, her body no longer able to control her overactive brain. She was absolutely still. Both unicorns stared back at her concernedly. Something was certainly very wrong.  Eventually, the pink pony smiled awkwardly and said “oops.”

As the unicorns gaped at her in disbelief, she smiled innocently. She was about to rush up to the wheelhouse when a loud grinding sound rang out, and the entire vessel lurched. All three ponies were knocked off their hooves as the deck tilted. The deck continued to tilt as the trio desperately hung onto whatever they could get their hooves around. The two unicorns hurried to the right, the side which had run aground and was being driven higher and higher, and managed to hold on to the grooves in the wall. Pinkie had scrambled into the stairwell, and had pressed herself into a corner so that she wouldn’t slip.

The vessel continued to surge forward, its starboard grinding up against the bank. The three ponies desperately clung on, willing the vessel to stop. Its deck was almost vertical when it finally ground to a halt. Reality seemed to suspend itself for a moment. Twilight and Rarity both had their eyes clamped shut in fear, and they simultaneously summoned the courage to open them moments after the boat halted. They immediately wished they hadn’t.

The wall they were clinging to had become the roof. Risking a glance down, Twilight realised they’d put themselves in a very bad position. A few metres’ drop away were the port windows; a wall of potentially dangerous glass. A few metres below this, the dark water of the Everfree River rose to meet the vessel. The waterline was rising fast, and would soon reach the second level’s port windows. If they fell, they would plunge through the glass and into the water, trapped beneath the massive vessel in a cold, watery tomb. The scholar and the white mare exchanged a terrified glance. Looking each other in the eye, they both let out an ear-splitting scream.

Her legs weakened with fear, Rarity couldn’t hold on any longer. As Pinkie called reassuringly to her two trapped friends, the glamour pony’s hooves gave way under the pressure. Twilight watched on uselessly. Her heart plunged even faster than the flailing unicorn. She hit the glass, plunging through it with a high-pitched smash. Through sheer desperation and willpower, she managed to grip onto the broken window, hanging over the water. The glass was cutting into her painfully, but it was safer than attempting to tread water in the evil river.

Twilight looked over to the stairwell, hoping against hope that the pink pony would pull an ace out of her sleeve. She was thoroughly disappointed. Her mouth opened in disbelief when she saw that their leader had disappeared. Apparently, they had placed their trust in the wrong pony. Her astonished daze was shattered as Rarity let out another desperate screech. The water was rising, and her hind hooves were now dangling in the water.

“Hold on, Rarity,” the scholar cried in the most reassuring voice she could muster, “I’m coming.”

Looking down at the dangerous drop, the lavender pony mustered all her willpower and inner strength. It was up to her. There was no other way. With a deep sigh, she resigned herself to the deed. Defying every instinct of self preservation, which seemed to be screaming at her to do nothing, she gently let go of the window and let herself slide down to the port wall.

Slowing herself as much as possible, Twilight eased herself onto wall. Trying to keep her hooves on the metal between the glass panes, she reached a front hoof down for Rarity to take a hold of. She gladly took it. Hauling with all her might, she couldn’t drag the white mare to safety. She never was a particularly strong pony. All she managed to do was bob her up and down a bit, causing the broken glass to dig further into the helpless unicorn.

The water had risen almost up to Rarity's waist. It wasn’t like normal water. Whether it was her fear, or some awful black magic at work, Rarity was convinced the river was sucking her downward. She trashed with her hind legs, desperately trying to kick herself up. All she managed to do was waste her energy.

“Rarity,” Twilight said, “I can’t pull you up like this. You need to let go of the window so I can dunk you down and use the buoyancy to help pull you out. Keep your hoof wrapped around mine, and you’ll be fine. I won’t let go of you.”

“But the water is so dirty!” Rarity protested.

“You have to trust me. It’s the only way.”

The two unicorns looked into each other’s eyes for a moment. Rarity’s eyes were pleading. The black water wasn’t just dirty, it was unnatural and terrifying. It was everything she’d been taught to fear. Allowing herself to sink into it sounded like suicide. As Twilight smiled at her reassuringly, she decided to trust her. She didn’t exactly have a choice anyway. With a hopeless sob, she lifter her hoof from the window frame. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply before allowing herself to sink into the cold, dark water.

Being submerged in the Everfree River was worse than Rarity could have imagined. It sucked the very life from her. She was weightless, useless and helpless. It felt like no pony would save her. She had thrown her life away. In less than a second, her lungs seemed to be bursting, desperately pleading for more oxygen. The river itself was coercing her into giving in and taking a lungful of freezing water.

Suddenly, the horror seemed to draw away from her. She felt something tugging at one of her front hooves, joined almost immediately by a tug on her other front hoof. She opened her eyes and squinted up through the murky water. Before she knew what was happening, she was surging to the surface and her head cleared the waterline. She landed on top of a panting lavender unicorn.

“See,” Twilight said between gaps, “buoyancy. Why work hard when you can work,” her speech was interrupted as she gasped for breath. She gently rolled the white mare off of her before finishing “why work hard when you can work smart?”

***

The two unicorns lay side by side on the glass, holding as still as possible. They were conscious of the possibility that another pane would break, and they tried to put their weight on the frames rather than the glass itself. All the while, they were desperately trying to figure out a way to get out of the vessel. They realised that, although the starboard had run aground, the entire vessel was slowly sliding into the river. That’s what was causing the water to rise. Even as the freezing water rose through the window, the ponies didn’t want to attempt the crawl to the stairwell. If they fell, they would surely smash through a window, back into the river.

Twilight was almost ready to give up hope when a high pitched voice called from the stairwell, “Hey! Twi! Rarity! I found the rope!”

The frizzy mane popped out from around the corner, and the blue eyes narrowed at the pair of unicorns in disbelief. “You fell down too, Twi? I thought I’d only have to rescue one of you. Rarity, you look cold. Grab onto this. Twi, you’ll have to wait up a bit.”

Pinkie threw a rope down to the unicorns and disappeared back into the stairwell. Rarity held her end of the rope aloft with her unicorn magic and examined it, before casting her gaze up. The rope didn’t appear to be secured to anything. She glanced at Twilight concernedly, who merely shrugged. She looked back at the rope and opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off by a loud creak which ran out as the vessel began to sink faster. Abandoning her previous train of thought, she looked back at the scholar.

“Well, I suppose this is our best option,” she said with a weak smile.

Tying the rope around her waist and wrapping it around bother her front legs, Rarity placed her rear hooves on the almost vertical deck. “I’m secure!” she called. The rope tightened, supporting the unicorn’s weight enough so that she could walk up towards the stairwell. She was sweating in fear, but the safety above was growing closer and closer. “Don’t look down,” she told herself, “whatever you do, don’t look down. Don’t look down.” Then she looked down.

Another ear-splitting screech rang out. Whoever was pulling the rope was evidently shocked by this, because the rope instantly slackened off. Rarity plunged down to the bottom, but was yanked back up barely a metre from the glass. She was winded by the sudden force around her stomach, but still conscious and able to move.

“Don’t do that again!” the voice of Rainbow Dash rang out, “You unicorns are WAY heavier than pegasi.”

Rarity couldn’t manage a reply, but did manage to resume her ascent. With a great effort, she finally made it to the stairwell. A minute or so passed after the white mare disappeared, and the water was still rising. It was too deep to lie down, so Twilight was forced to her hooves. Legs quivering with fear and exhaustion, she willed the rescuers to speed up.

As the water approached neck height, the lavender pony was starting to think the other five had abandoned her. Sure, she was the new one. Why would they risk themselves to save her? After all, Rainbow Dash was evidently the one with the rope, and she didn’t even trust her. She briefly tried treading water, but kept sinking. Placing her hind hooves against the wall, the unicorn stood bipedal in a desperate effort to keep her head above water. The river was rising past her forelegs. A coldness gripped the unicorn. Death itself seemed to be caressing her neck. Convinced that this was how she would die, she barely noticed when the rope was thrown down for her.

With a heavy sigh, Twilight fastened the rope around herself. “Ok, start pulling!” she called out to whoever would listen. As the rope tightened around her, she dragged herself up the deck and into the stairwell.

Here, Twilight saw what had previously been invisible to her. They weren’t merely taking cover in the stairwell to stay away from the water. The rope wound around the stairs, exiting the vessel through the top deck. This must have been why it took them so long to throw the rope down for her once Rarity was clear. When she finally exited the doomed boat, the scholar quickly placed her hooves on the railing around the stairwell on the top deck, which took her weight.

Glancing ahead, the lavender pony saw Pinkie was clinging onto the rope as she braced herself against the wheelhouse. Soaring above her, Rainbow Dash was holding the end of the rope. “I see her!” called the cyan pegasus, at which point the party pony let go of the rope with an exhausted groan. The scholar unwrapped the rope, allowing the metal railing to take her whole weight. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy flew down and, taking one side each, lifted her off the vessel. They placed her safely on the river bank next to Applejack and Rarity. Having rescued the unicorn, they flew back to retrieve the last pony. The two pegasi placed the panting pink pony on the ground and stood over her.

“So, that went well,” said Pinkie.