Old Friends

Starlight scribbled absently on a piece of parchment, the quill an outlet for her anxiety.

"I'm just worried all the time that my friends only like me because of my ability to be someone else and not because of who I really am inside," fretted Ocellus.

"Mmm-hmm," muttered Starlight.

The changeling's words melted into the warbling muffled sounds of a voice underwater as the counselor stewed over her own worries.

She was handicapped, trapped at work while Trixie and Sunburst could just run off and do whatever together alone. Though she knew that if it came down to a competition, even on a level playing field, she lacked the confidence and interpersonal skills to compete with Trixie or anyone else. This whole thing was exposing gaps in her abilities that she'd been pretending weren't there.

When she was respectful and demure, she disappeared into the background. When she was aggressive, she was off-putting if not terrifying. She couldn't find a grip between too tight and none at all.

“What should I do?” moaned Ocellus

The question jarred Starlight from her thoughts and she suddenly realized that she hadn’t been listening at all. The paper in front of her was filled with ink doodles of Trixie being smashed by boulders or shot with arrows, exes over her eyes.

What the fuck, she thought, disturbed by what she’d drawn without even being aware. It was like a window into her disgusting subconscious. She quickly crumpled the paper into a ball with her magic and whisked it away.

“Um, well,” she began, looking deep inside for a one-size-fits-all horoscope quality tidbit. “I think you’re doing a good job, all things considered,” she nodded. “I know that can be a struggle...”

“Yes, but is it right to be dating someone who only wants you to look and act like their ex?”

Starlight’s eyes bulged. Holy shit. What? She shook her head. “Uh, no. That sounds toxic. Don’t date anyone who only wants you to be someone else.”

Ocellus looked at the floor in shame. “What if… you’re not dating and it’s just something you do sometimes because you like the attention.”

Starlight frowned. “Don’t do that either. Like you said… Um… something about being worried no one appreciates the real you. That feeling doesn’t just go away. The more you feed it, the worse it’s going to get. Maybe a good exercise would be to give shapeshifting a break for a while after you come back from break. Don’t take requests; don’t do it at all unless you really need to. Just be you. See if that changes how students view you. See who moves on and who stays close. Those are the ones you want to be around.

Ocellus nodded with conviction. “Yeah, I can do that. Thanks a lot. Wow, you're really good."

"Am I?" she breathed inaudibly. "Have a good break if I don't see you, Ocellus."

"You too," she chimed before prancing out the door.

Almost immediately after, Twilight Sparkle poked her head inside. “Knock, knock," she announced. "Just came by to tell you I’m leaving now.” She’d planned on vacating a little early to the Crystal Empire and leaving Starlight in charge of the mostly closed school in her absence.

“Okay,” sighed Starlight.

“Thanks again for doing this.“

Starlight shrugged. “It’s just one and a half days admin left, and then make sure everything stays safe after that.”

“I know,” nodded Twilight, “but you know me; I worry. But I have confidence that the school will be in good hooves while I’m gone. Have a nice Hearth’s Warming. See you towards the end of break.” Twilight began to retract but Starlight quickly spoke up again.

"Um, before you go, can I run a problem by you that came up in one of my counseling sessions?

"Sure. What is it?" asked Twilight, slipping inside and shutting the door behind her for privacy.

"Well, one of the students has an old friend that they've known forever and the problem is that one of her new friends is getting very close to her old friend romantically. This student has feelings for the old friend that she has yet to express and she feels like her new friend is encroaching on their relationship."

Twilight's eyes rolled around in her head as she cogitated. "Hmm… If she's specifically jealous of their budding romantic relationship but didn't make her intentions clear to either of her friends before they got together, then it's fair play. There was nothing to 'encroach' on."

Starlight cleared her throat. "But don't you think there's a sort of sovereignty to the relationship between the old friends that the new friend should respect?"

Twilight considered this for a moment. "No. As long as the new friend isn't being greedy or trying to push them apart. She has to understand that her old friend is an individual with their own agency. If her two friends have mutual feelings for one another and they're both happy then I'm afraid although it may hurt, this is just something she has to get over. Hopefully she can."

Starlight's face fell. She felt like she'd been kicked in the stomach. Twilight had basically restated what Trixie had said, but with a cold objective logic that she couldn't deny.

"Oh… okay," replied Starlight, fighting to keep her throat from closing up and strangling her voice. "Thank- thank you, Twilight. That cleared it up."

"No problem," she smiled. "Oh, gotta get to the station. Later." Twilight vanished in a flash of magic, leaving Starlight alone with her horrible thoughts.

Starlight hung her head, studying the woodgrain of her desk. She'd naively hoped that Sunburst was a static creature. Something that would always be there waiting like a porcelain figurine high upon a shelf that she could get down whenever she was ready.

It didn't take her long before trying to justify needing a second opinion on the matter. Twilight didn't really have all the details of the story, Starlight reasoned to herself. Her ruling would have been different if I'd told her the whole thing. The Princess of Friendship and headmare and founder of a school of friendship can be… wrong about friendship. You know, maybe the problem is that this is actually more of a love question. Maybe I should ask Cadance. Trixie is in the wrong. She should have asked me about him. She shouldn't have just assumed. And how do I know if their feelings are mutual? Just because Trixie is after him doesn't mean he reciprocates. The unanswered question gave her a glimmer of hope.

Stepping into Twilight's horseshoes meant Starlight couldn't get away from work early. On top of that, she still had to do her Hearth's Warming shopping for everyone, including Sunburst and… Trixie, she supposed. Obviously she had to do it without them. The best time to get it done was right after work. She'd be ceding an entire day to them together alone and after hearing about Trixie's sordid intentions, the thought left her feeling sick.

In the late evening, Starlight wandered in and out of shops in a daze. Everything around her was so bright and flamboyant. She should have been ecstatic like she was with the promise of that first night before it all eroded. Now all she felt was despair and silent desperation.

She got Sunburst a book and Trixie a set of leg warmers. She'd shopped for everyone except for Twilight, which she could put off till later.

Walking down the street with her saddle bag, she passed a glowing arch at the edge of the park. It marked the entrance of the Hearth's Warming Walk, a holiday themed walkthrough exhibit with light up decorations.

As Starlight glanced at the attraction, she saw to her dismay, Trixie and Sunburst disappearing inside. She stopped in her tracks, mouth agape.

That's like… a romantic thing, she thought. I was going to do that with him. Her heart sank but she followed the two into the park at a distance. They were talking with each other but she couldn't make out a word they said. The path was marked with lit archways and lined with decorated trees and glowing dioramas.

Sunburst stopped to point out a display, no doubt making some historical comment to Trixie. Starlight's face was a picture of anguish but still she followed them further.

Eventually the two stopped to talk beneath an archway under a gridded veil of white lights. Trixie pointed up in surprise. Starlight's gaze followed her hoof to a sprig of mistletoe hanging above them. When she looked back down, Trixie was planting a chaste kiss on Sunburst's cheek.

Starlight pressed a hoof over her crushed heart. It felt as if the ground beneath her had crumbled away and she was falling, her stomach twisting in knots and then suddenly unfathomable white hot rage. Starlight clenched her teeth. How could she?

"I'll kill you," she seethed. She snapped off the biggest icicle in sight with her magic, as long as a leg, and trained it on Trixie's neck. She envisioned it traveling half way through her and getting stuck before she dropped to the ground. The gruesome premonition was enough to shock her back into her senses just as she hurled the icicle. Her flinch at the sudden awareness of her actions skewed her trajectory and the ice javelin shattered on a nearby tree. A small shard stuck out where it had penetrated the bark.

Starlight gasped at how close she'd just come to seriously injuring Trixie without a thought.

Startled by the sound, Sunburst and Trixie looked at the tree in bewilderment. Starlight vanished from the scene before anyone could notice her.

That night Starlight laid awake in bed, marinating in betrayal and pondering how quickly everything seemed to be unraveling. Her sense of self, her emotional stability, they were being rocked at the foundation by the threat of losing Sunburst again. It was the same old wounds. She never realized before. This wasn't healthy. She wasn't rehabilitated at all and she was more fragile than ever… and more dangerous.