How to Talk to Mares

“…What?”

“You heard me. I’ve totally-not-on-purposely chosen you to be the first to tell us why you’re here.”

“…I knew the deal was a bad idea.” He sighed. “Well, I guess I have no choice then, do I?”

“Not really.” I glanced over at Pinkie. “Pinkie, I’m gonna need you to step out. We don’t want you ruining the story for us.”

“Aw no fair!”

“Sorry, but since you’re the one who found and recruited these guys, you already know their stories, and we don’t want you spoiling it.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But it still seems pretty unfair to me.”

“It’s completely fair. Trust me. And don’t worry; you’ll only be gone for about three chapters.” Oh wait…I’m not supposed to break the fourth wall in front of them. I Pinkie promised.

Spike’s just staring at me with a confused look. “Three more chapters? But we’re not in a book… right?”

Pinkie’s now glaring at me. “You… broke… you’re… Pinkie… promise…”

“Look Pinkie, I’m really sorry for breaking my Pinkie promise, and I’m sure we can work this out, but I have some stories to listen to right now so…yeah…” I must have a seriously nervous look on my face right now.

She began to step backwards. “…Fine. I’ll just wait three cha- hours.” She walked into the shadows and disappeared.

I’m blank right now, I can feel it. It’s not good to anger Pinkie Pie. Sometimes, she’ll go easy on you and shoot you out of her party cannon. “Phew, well I guess we should move o-“

“But you better be prepared! I’ll come when you least expect it!!”

“OHMYCELESTIA! Pinkie?” I’ve never been more scared in my entire life.

“Just you wait…” She was practically gritting her teeth.

“Um… let’s move on, shall we?” My voice cracked. I’m not giving a good example in the show no fear to your mare lesson. Well, wait… was Pinkie even my mare? I mean, yeah, we hang out a lot, and yes, I make her laugh a lot, but who doesn’t? And sure, I go to her place more often than her other friends, but that doesn’t mean I like her… do I? I mean, all things considered, I guess we coul-

“Um, Scorch? Can we get on with my story?”

“…Huh? Oh yeah, uh, right. Way to show your eagerness!”

“I’m just trying to get rid of my stress” Blueblood said dryly.

“Yeah, okay. Anyway, let’s get to it. Blueblood, tell us why you’re here.”

He sighed. “At least I don’t have to worry about nerves later. Well, like you guys may’ve heard before, it all started at yet another Canterlot dinner party. I, of course, was invited to attend…”

~~~~~~~~~~

Prince Blueblood was socializing with another Posh Canterlot character, yet losing focus, answering most of his questions with ‘uh huh’ and ‘oh really?’ He was just bored out of his mind, tempted to just bang his head on the table. But being Canterlot royalty, you always have to remain polite.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Huh? Oh! Sorry Change, I’m just getting a bit drowsy. Socializing with celebrities takes a lot out of you, don’t you agree?”

“Hm, well I can’t really disagree. Why just last night, I almost fell into my dinner from restlessness! Ah, the life of Canterlot celebrities does have its faults, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. You?”

“Well, it does have its rewards.” They both let out a small chuckle.

Blueblood’s eyes wandered to the side. There, he spotted a nicely shaped mare, who looked like she was in need to release …‘stress’.

“Speaking of rewards...”

His friend, Spare Change, gazed at what he was looking at. “Oh, you can’t actually be considering to try and get with her. I know that you’re a prince, but she has a very specific taste in stallions, and I don’t think you fit the description.  She’ll never go for you.”

“Oh, come now. You don’t think I have a few tricks up my sleeve? By the end of the night, I can guarantee you that mare will be begging for more.”

“I warned you. You can go ahead and try, while I stay back here and watch your plan unfold. I ask only this; if you fail to win the heart of any mare and have to leave the party out of humiliation and embarrassment, I wish to stay. I don’t want to have to give up this opportunity for an excellent evening because of your actions.”

Blueblood now began to feel insulted. “Oh, you don’t think I can do it?”

“I’m not saying that. It’s just that the likelihood of this actually happening is very slim, even for you.”

Now Blueblood felt anger. “I’ll prove to you that I can woo any mare’s heart. I’ll tell you what, I’ll even bet on this.”

“If you feel so confident, then who am I to stop you? How much would you like to wager?”

“Fifty. Bits.” Blueblood knew this was a hefty amount of money for a bet, but if somepony chooses to insult Prince Blueblood, then they better know what they’re getting themselves into.

“You must be extremely confident to wager that many bits. Lucky for us we’re rich. Well then, place your bits on the table. I need physical proof to bet. I’ll do it first.” Spare Change put a heavy bag of coins onto their table. “Now, where are your bits?”

Blueblood placed two medium sized bags of bits on the table. “Here are my bits.” Blueblood put them back in his vest pockets. “You don’t think I’m dumb enough to leave fifty bits unattended while I go win the bet, do you?”

“Aw, the fact that you don’t trust me with money hurts me right here.” He said, pointing at his heart.

“Whatever. Now if you excuse me, I have a bet to win.”

“Ha, I’m so sure of it.” Sarcasm. One of blueblood’s pet peeves.

“Just watch.” He began trotting toward the mare he had spotted. “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt your conversation, but I was wondering if we could get to know each other. I feel like you’re different than these other mares, and I’d like to see if that’s true. Would you care to talk somewhere quiet?”

The mare didn’t seem so impressed. “I don’t think you noticed, but I’m kind of in the middle of a conversation. No thanks.”

“Oh come now I insist.”

“I said no thanks. I said it kindly, too. Now please, leave me alone.”

“Hm. Alright then. I hope you know that you just missed out on a good time.” Blueblood knew when to throw in the towel, and he didn’t want to cause a scene. But he also knew that he’d be out fifty bits. Unless…

“Ha. Didn’t work out did it? I do believe you owe me fifty bits. Now pay up.”

“Always a hasty one when it comes to money. Change, listen. I don’t think that was so fair. How about we change the bet?”

“Oh no you don’t. I’m not about to risk losing an easy fifty bits.”

“We can double the bits.”

“Deal. Now what do you want to change about the bet?”

“I did say I can win any mare’s heart, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“So, How about we change the bet to win not just any particular mare, but any mare here. Better yet, at least one mare.”

“So let me get this straight. You want me to bet one-hundred bits to see if you can get at least one mare to sleep with you by the end of the night? No way in Tartarus am I betting on tha-“

“I’ll double my end to two-hundred.”

“Deal. Good luck getting laid. Oh, before I go and get another drink, you don’t mind if I add my own touch on the bet, do you?”

“Fine. What are your calls?”

“It has to be a beautiful mare, you need to get her name, and it has to be before midnight.”

“Why midnight?”

“Everything ends at midnight. Plus, I’m bored.”

“Let’s see, it’s ten-thirty right now, so that gives me an hour and a half? Ok then. Let the newly revised bet begin!”

And so, the prince went through the crowds of ponies to find a suitable mare. He wasn’t having the best of luck. By eleven o’ clock, He had been shut down by at least two other mares. He caught up with Spare Change, who looked like he was the life of the party. “Oh, hey Blueblood! Listen, I’ve been thinking it over, and even though I like to have extra money lying around, how about we forget this whole bet and enjoy the rest of the party?”

As much as Blueblood wanted to, his pride was too big for him to give up. “No. I have to prove to you that I can woo at least one mare by the end of the night. I only have one hour left, and I’m not going to waste it talking to you.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to embarrass yourself?”

“Yes. I’m sure.”

“Well, I can see that you’re stubbornness knows no bounds, so I’ll leave you to it. Good luck, my friend.”

“Whatever.” Spare Change left him to continue the bet. Blueblood needed options. He needed to win this stupid bet and prove that he’s still got it.

He just needed to get one mare. Just one. His eyes searched for a suitable one. There had to be one somewhere… there!

He spotted a grey mare with lavender eyes on the stage for the quartet, perhaps a member. After all, she had a treble clef cutie mark.

“Excuse me, miss…?”

“Octavia.” The mare responded.

“Excuse me, Octavia. I noticed you from a distance. This happened because you caught my eye. I can tell that you’re different from the other mares here, and I’d like to get to know you better. Could we have a chat in a more… private place?”

“That’s very nice of you, but I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. You see, I already have a special somepony, but my somepony wasn’t able to come with me tonight.” Octavia answered.

“I see. Well, I bet you’re special somepony isn’t a prince. Wouldn’t it be nice to relax and have a nice time with me? I don’t think he’ll know. He won’t have to either.” Blueblood felt a little wrong about doing this, but he was beginning to get desperate. Besides, if you’re gonna’ let your mare go to a Canterlot party alone, you should really expect things to happen. What mare wouldn’t want to hook up with hotshots in Canterlot? In Canterlot, if he has a bigger wallet, he’s a better stallion. It’s a little wrong, but Canterlot is just like that.

“I’ll have you know that I’m not that kind of mare. I’m loyal to my ma- excuse me, stallion. My answer is no, so please go away now.” Great, he ticked off the music mare. Now what was he supposed to do?

He still hadn’t gotten a single mare, and now, it was eleven-forty-seven. Thirteen more minutes. Guess he had no choice but to give up.

“No! I’m not giving up. These mares don’t seem to be interested in the fact that I’m a prince. So I’ll have to ditch that pick-up. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Now, which one of these mares would Blueblood ultimately conquer? His eyes searched the crowds for a mare who looked attractive, and who didn’t have anyone to talk to. This was relevantly hard to do, since most of the attractive mares drew a crowd. Let’s see… no… not that one… there! Now time for phase two.

The prince approached the mare. “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but see that you’re not talking to anypony. I was wondering if we could have a conversation over a drink. I’ll pay.”

“Oh that’s very nice of you, but no thanks.” The mare seemed a bit shy.

Blueblood saw that she needed a little nudge. “Oh, come now. I insist.”

“No, it’s alright. You don’t have to. I’m just waiting for a friend.”

“Please miss, as a gentlecolt, I insist I buy you that drink.”

“No thank you.”

“Nonsense! Waiter, one of your best specialties. No wait, two of your best specialties.”

“Please stop. I already declined politely, so please leave me alone.” Huh, déjà vu.

Blueblood was so desperate to win the bet and keep his pride, he didn’t get the hint, even though she flat-out told him no.

“Let me buy you a drink.”

“No. I don’t want a drink. I already said no. Now leave me alone.”

“I offer you a drink, and you decline. That’s not how it works. I offer you a drink, and you accept. That’s how it works. You

see the problem here? Accept my offer on the drink.” Now Blueblood didn’t care. He was fed up with the events of the night, and was determined to get this mare to accept his drink.

“Please, I would appreciate it if you didn’t talk to me like that. I already said no. It’s as simple as that. I don’t know how

oblivious you are, but I’ll tell you if you still don’t get it. I don’t want your drink. I just want you to leave me alone.”

By now, a crowd began to form around them, with Spare Change in it.

“Well, I didn’t realize that I was wasting my breath, and possibly my money, on such a stuck up, little bit-“

“Okay folks, I think we’ve all had one drink too many. Why don’t we forget this whole thing and move on with the party?”

Spare Change interrupted Blueblood before his words could get crude.

“She probably hasn’t had any drinks. She’s just like that.”

“Go away, and leave me alone.” The mare was still able to keep her calm, not something that could be said for the prince.

“He’ll be on his way.” Spare Change nudged Blueblood away from the crowd, right before the 12 strokes of midnight

occurred. “Guess you lose the bet.” He muttered under his breath.”

As soon as they got to an empty table, Spare Change reminded Blueblood of his doubled price.

The prince sighed. “Are you really doing this?”

“Hey, I’m not the one that wanted to raise the bet. You could’ve just stopped at fifty bits, but your pride was just too valuable,

wasn’t it? Well, now you have to pay the price.”

“Fair enough. Here, take the money. I don’t care anymore.” Blueblood tossed the bags at Spare Change.

“Are you alright, Blueblood? You mad because you found out that you can’t really win the heart of any mare?”

“It’s not like it’s my fault! These mares are all crazy.” The prince said with anger.

Spare Change looked at him. “Or, maybe, you’re not that much of a charmer anymore. Maybe the mares don’t really have

dreams of a prince coming in to sweep them off their hooves anymore.”

“What are you saying?” Blueblood asked.

“Eh, I’m not really sure. But I guess that I’m trying to say that you need serious improvement.” said Change.

“Ooh, I know where you can get help!”

“GAH!” The prince fell out of his chair due to shock, because a certain pink poofy pony… materialized…in front of him? She

came out of nowhere, basically.

“Who are you?” The prince asked, not even trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

“I’m Pinkie Pie! And you must be the colt Rarity was with at the Gala. Based on what she said about you, you kinda… really

need help. It wasn’t very nice to use Rarity as a cake shield.”

Blueblood recalled what she was talking about. Then he remembered the rest of the night, like how it… ended. “Wait, I think I

remember you. Aren’t you the pony who did a stage dive, which set off those chain events that destroyed the Gala?” He

remembered her all too well.

“Well, yeah, I guess. But the Gala is supposed to be fun, and everypony wasn’t having any. I saw it as my mission to make

the Gala super fun! Plus, how was I supposed to know that the ponies wouldn’t catch me!”

“Maybe because they didn’t like you? They didn’t appreciate what you were doing to the Gala?” he retorted.

“You’re not very nice. Oh, wait! Forget about that! Like I was saying, I know where you can get help! My friend Scorching

Stripes is going to make a class for colts who need help with relationships, so he wanted me to look around Ponyville to find some! I didn’t really find a lot who actually wanted the help, so I thought I should expand my search to Canterlot! And I found you!” the pink mare told him.

“What makes you think I want help from anypony, let alone a pony from Ponyville? I can solve my own problems just fine!”

Blueblood said with annoyance.

“Actually, judging from what I know and have just now heard, you need all the help you can ge-“

“SHUT UP!!!” Blueblood yelled at his so-called friend. He forgot that they were still at a party, and a few ponies stopped what

they were doing to look at the prince. Growing red from embarrassment, he hissed at Pinkie. “Just get out of here. I don’t

need your help, and I don’t want your help.”

“Well then… okay. Just trying to help you out.”

“I’ve had enough. I’m going home.” The prince was too humiliated to go on with the night. He began walking toward the exit.

“Okaaay, but just don’t flirt again! We don’t want you to make another scene!” Pinkie shouted towards Blueblood.

He stopped cold in his tracks. Gritting his teeth, he slowly walked backwards toward Pinkie. “Just… Leave… Me… Alone!”

“I’m just saying. First with Rarity, then with that mare. I’m not trying to be mean, but you really need help.”

“Face it, Blueblood, every mare you go out with ends up hating your guts after just an hour with you. Don’t you think it’s

about time that you wake up and accept the fact that you’re doing something wrong and you need help? You should really

take up this mare’s offer, even if it is a pony from Ponyville.” Spare Change said to his friend.

He only got angrier. He grabbed his head, slowly running his hooves down his face. He was mad at her, yes, but he was

even more so since he knew she was right. He hated admitting he was wrong. But his pride was still important. “No. I don’t

care how bad I’ve become with mares, I will not accept help from a small town. I’m sure I can find a professional in

relationships to help me out.”

“Aw, that’s too bad. Well, if your mind’s made up, I guess I’ll have to look elsewhere.” Pinkie said.

“Are you sure, Blueblood?” Change asked him.

“I’ve never been more certain about something in my entire life.” The prince said.

“Ok then. Hey… Pinkie was it? How did you even get in here? Didn’t you say you were from Ponyville?”

“Oh, one of my friends is the pupil of Princess Celestia. So, she has connections around Canterlot. She asked Princess

Celestia to get me an invite to this party.” Pinkie explained.

“Really? That makes sense.”

“Yeah! And my other friends…”

Blueblood left Pinkie and Change to talk while he headed towards the exit. On his way there, though, he noticed that most, if

not all, of the ponies there were coupled. Mares and stallions were chatting, drinking, or just embracing the night away.

Blueblood felt worse and worse the more closer he got to the exit. He finally made it to the exit, but was then confronted by

even more couples outside. “This is some kind of sign, isn’t it?” he said to himself. He sighed, and thought to himself. I’m

supposed to take that path, right? But I can’t just go and accept help from simple Ponyville ponies. For Celestia’s sake they

don’t even wear clothes! But… just look around you. Everypony else is in a couple while you’re all alone. Your moves don’t

work anymore; they’re old. I… don’t see anything else to do. I can’t hire a professional; I’m out two-hundred bits! They’re

already pricy. I’ll just take the first lesson, see how it works out. Hopefully, it won’t cost much.

Blueblood made his way back to his table, where Pinkie and Change were still chatting.

“Oh, hey Blueblood!” Pinkie said with enthusiasm.

“Back so soon?” Spare Change added.

“Pinkie, was it? I’ve thought about your offer, and… I’ll… accept it.” The prince said.

“Really? You will??” said Pinkie.

“Y-yes.” Blueblood said with hesitation.

“Great! The first class is in three days! Don’t be laaate!” Pinkie said before leaving the party.

Blueblood sighed, “This better be worth it."

~~~~~~~~~~

“That was…interesting. Well, at least we know that you didn’t regret it!” I like to see the positive side of things.

Blueblood had his head down. “I’m still debating on whether or not that’s true.”

“Wait, so you’re the colt that left Rarity covered in frosting?” Spike seemed agitated.

“Well you didn’t expect me to get my coat dirty, did you?” He answered. “Besides, she was being completely rude to be

during the entire night!”

“That’s because you were being a royal pain!” Now Spike was getting angry.

“Look, Spike, I’m not sure if you’re accustomed to Canterlot ways, but if you were pampered for most of your life, then I’m

sure you would’ve done the same!”

“Not to someone as beautiful as Rarity! That makes me seem like a jerk! A prince is meant to have manners, and be a

gentlecolt. You’re just spoiled!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, everypony just stay calm. Spike, I can see that you have an eye for Rarity. Why don’t you go next? Tell

us why you’re here.” At this, The Doctor wiped his forehead. He really seemed anxious about going.

“Well, okay." Spike cleared his throat, "It happened when I was helping Rarity out with an order…”