The Human and the Tall One

          A mob of faceless ponies stood before us. Not just 12, more like 30. Unicorns, pegasi, earth ponies the lot. They all stood there. Silent, motionless statues. I looked through the crowd and once again spotted many familiar faces, well sort of; Octavia, Bon Bon, Juiced up steroid pony, or Roid Rage as you may know him by; Caramel, Berry Punch, Applejack? How did she become a slenderpony?

     "Howdy partner", a familiar voice shouted. The mob split in half and Braeburn trotted to the front, a strange, creepy smile spread  across his face. "Ya'll coming with me."

Braeburn. That damn Appleoosian who punched (hoofed?) me in the face. TWICE.

     "Howdy partner, I ain't coming with you", I retorted, grinning at the stallion.

"Ya don't 'ave a choice."

     "Well actually, I could just grab Luna and Twilight and telepor-"

          A sickening crack punctured the still air like a gunshot, followed closely by another equally sickening crack. I wheeled around and found Luna and Twilight, unconscious in the dirt; and two faceless pegasi slowly making their way towards me. I looked around. Ponies. Ponies everywhere. I want out!

What's your plan then genius? the voice in my head sneered.

Yeah, like I know what I'm doing.

          I bolted between the two pegasi and ran like mad, narrowly avoiding loose stones on the ground and pumping my legs like a crack dealer running from the police. I could hear the clopping of hooves getting louder and faster every second. They were gaining on me. Up above, pegasi were quickly closing in on me. I stopped dead in my tracks. I was surrounded. The pegasi formed a dense half circle around me. I quickly turned to run, only to be met with two orange hooves bucking me so hard it felt like Arnold Schwarzenegger ran into me with a battering ram. Terminator style. I literally flew back and crashed into the ground, the wind completely knocked out of me.

          I struggled to breathe. I gasped and wheezed, attempting to get as much oxygen as I could into my lungs. My chest screamed with pain with each breath, which only made my situation worse. I slowly got up, ignoring the pain in my chest and focused on escaping.

     "Ya ain't goin' anywhere", Braeburn anounced, trotting towards me. The mob of ponies had caught up, and formed a circle around me.

You're well and truly screwed now aren't you?

Shut up.

          A sudden flash of light blinded me and made my eyes feel like they were burning. The flash disappeared as fast as it came, and standing before me was the prince of chaos himself. The ponies took a couple of steps back; keeping their distance, unsure of what to do.

     "Where the hell did you go?" I shouted. I was still pretty peeved about him disappearing earlier.

"I was spreading wonderful chaos all across Manehatten. I turned the city into a cardboard cotton candy wonderland!" Discord replied, pretty stoked about his achievement.

    "Well while you were prancing about spreading your chaotic fetish everywhere, I was getting chased by these faceless bastards; plus I got bucked by Applejack, which still hurts like a bitch."

          Discord stared at me, confused by my choice of words.

"Ugh, let's just grab Applejack, Luna and Twilight and go" I replied rubbing my head. I suddenly felt lightheaded for some reason.

     "Why should I?" Discord sneered.

"Get 'em!" Braeburn suddenly shouted. Obviously he was sick of our little chat. As soon as he barked his order, the ponies charged.

I hate Braeburn.

"C'mon Discord" I pleaded. The ponies were closing in.

     "Oh fine then, you're the only fun round here anyway" Discord replied.

          With a loud pop, the world flashed out of existence and was replaced with the interior of Sugarcube Corner. I rubbed my eyes and looked around. The place was exactly the same, no moved furniture, no sign of anybody being here. I turned around and noticed someone missing.

     "Where's Luna and Twilight?" I asked, "Didn't you bring them with us?"

          Discord sighed heavily, clicked his fingers/talons and, with a flash the princess and Twilight materialized on the hard floor in a heap. Luna's cyan eyes fluttered open and her face contorted into a look of confusion and fear. Damn she looked cute. Twilight didn't stir; that hoof to the head most definitely knocked Twilight out. I looked around the room once more, checking my surroundings, before preparing for what we were going to do next.

     "Luna, can you cast that sleeping spell on Applejack when she arrives?"

Luna sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Yes, but you will have to keep her still so the spell works correctly."

     "Hey Prince of Chaos, bring in..." I paused for silly dramatic effect. "...Applejack."

          Discord clicked his talons, and the crazy, faceless orange mare popped into the empty space in front of me. I pounced on her, and held her legs together whilst pressing my body weight against her, constricting her movement. Applejack kicked and writhed and bucked. I was amazed she hadn't broke free yet.

     "Luna quick do the sleepy spell now!"

          Luna trotted over and fired up her horn. Her magical aura completely encased Applejack and I in a shimmering haze of blue. I stepped back as Luna levitated the cowpony, watching as her kicks and struggles slowly dissipated as her body began to shut down, ready for sleeping. Luna slowly lowered Applejack to the floor. I watched in awe as the mares facial features returned to her face. The eyes came first, starting at the edges and slowly filling in the colour. The mouth came next; the jaw forming first, then the lips molded themselves perfectly onto her face. Finally her freckles faded into view, completing the face.

     "That is bloody weird, and cool a the same time" I muttered.

The cobalt blue aura vanished and Luna stumbled, losing her balance.

     "Luna, you okay?" I asked, rushing to her side. I wrapped an arm around her neck, keeping her steady.

"uh, yes, I am fine" the princess replied, rubbing her head, "I used a lot of my magic for that spell; whatever's possessing these ponies, they have incredibly powerful magic, maybe more powerful than my dear sister."

Well that doesn't sound good does it?

"Hmm, we will have to find the other elements as quickly as we can" I said, stroking my imaginary Dumbledore sized beard, pondering what do to next. Luna and Discord stood idly, waiting for whatever my idea was going to be.

     "Discord, you can search the Everfree forest while Luna and I search around Ponyv-OH MY GOD CUPCAKES!"

          I ran over to the counter and grabbed two of the cakes from the box; how did I miss these earlier, and shoved in my mouth completely devouring them. They tasted so damn good, ten no, a hundred times better than the ones back home. I grabbed two more and demolished them, savoring the sweet taste of icing mixed with the crumbly moist texture of the sponge.

          I grabbed the box and turned around. Luna and Discord stared at me, utterly bewildered by my sudden outburst, as if I'd turned rabid or something. I grabbed a napkin from the counter and wiped all the crumbs and icing off my face

     "Anyway," I started, "Discord, you go to the Everfree Forest and Luna and I will search around Ponyville."

"Hello? Spirit of chaos and disharmony here, why should I take orders from the likes of you?" Discord shouted.

     "Because if you don't, all of Equestria will lie in ruins and you wont be able to have fun tormenting the ponies with your chaos and whatnot. Would you like that? Being free from your stone prison but not being able to do what you love most because you didn't listen to what I said?" I asked staring right into his eyes.

          Discord paused and scratched his chin.

"Hmm, I guess your right about that..." Discord trailed off, I didn't hear what he said. My vision became blurry and my head started spinning. I fell on my ass waiting for the dizziness to pass. It didn't pass. I sat on the floor for what felt like ten minutes before I attempted to get up. I failed.

     "Forget it I'll stay on the floor for a while" I muttered, holding my head in my hands, waiting for the dizziness to pass. Maybe I got slipped some strange new drug, or maybe the air in Equestria was killing me, I don't know. I hope it isn't the latter.

Good first impression; first time meeting ponies and you can't even stand up straight.

Worthless, useless scumbag.

You will never achieve anything in your pathetic little life.

"Oh shut up with your boring, old, repetitive crap", I shouted, startling the only two other conscious beings in the room.

     "Excuse me?" the princess asked, giving me a confused and anxious look. Discord merely stared at me with a look of utter confusion.

"Oh, er nothing, forget about it", I quickly replied, I don't think it would be a good idea telling them I speak to voices in my head.

          Twilight stirred and slowly opened her eyes. She gazed wearily over her surroundings, visibly confused at the whole situation. Who could blame her? She was sat in Sugarcube corner with Discord, Princess Luna, an unconscious Applejack and a six foot tall human; plus, the ponies of Ponyville had no faces. I don't think the situation could have been more confusing.

Actually, it probably could have.

     "Uh, what happened-OW!", Twilight cried, holding a hoof to her head.

"You got bucked in the head by a pony", I replied, rubbing my own head, grinning at the same time.

     "But, why would-"

"Cupcake?" I asked, handing the box over to Twilight.The mare merely stared at me like I was mad. Actually, I am a bit off the rails.

"I, er, thanks?" Twilight replied, levitating a cupcake from the box..

"NOW" I dropped the box of cupcakes, jumped to my feet and faced Twilight. The mare jumped back in fright , dropped the cupcake and stared up at me, displaying the most adorable frightened expression I had ever seen.

     "This is the plan", I continued, "Luna, you, Applejack and I are going to search all around Ponyville for your friends, because we will need the elements of harmony. Discord is going to search the Everfree Forest because he's a bad-ass and won't take shit from nopony, and he has unlimited power so he could kick anypony's flank. That was a compliment by the way" I looked towards Discord and gave him my cheekiest grin. He in turn gave me a bored, unimpressed look.

"Erm, Princess Luna?" Twilight questioned, completely unsure of what to do.

     "We will follow through with the human's plan, It's the only plan we have at the moment, and I will need to raise the moon very soon" Luna replied.

"Hang on, It's getting dark soon? How long do we have left until nighttime?" I nervously asked.

          Luna walked to the window of the cafe and stared up towards the sky.

"I must raise the moon in 1 hour and 12 minutes."

     "Oh shit, we better get moving fast then" I grabbed the box of cupcakes and made my way towards the door.

"But what about Applejack? We need her for the elements to work" Twilight spoke, motioning to the unconscious mare.

     "Oh yeah. I know, I'll carry her!"

"You'll carry Applejack?" Twilight gave me a skeptical look, then looked at Applejack, comparing size. "I don't think you can carry Applejack, she's probably too heavy."

     "Nonsense, she's smaller than me" I remarked. I dropped the cupcake box and walked over to Applejack. I went down on one knee and grabbed the orange mare under her forelegs, like a baby, and heaved her over my shoulder.

     "See, not hard" I smirked at Twilight.

Then my vision and balance decided to go on strike and I fell. Hard.

     Discord guffawed and Twilight even giggled a little bit. Luna just raised an eyebrow and gave me that look which mother's usually give then their child is being silly. I jumped up and brushed myself off, fixed my coat and grinned sheepishly at Twilight.

     "Yeah okay, I can't lift Applejack."

"Uh, wha' the hay-"

          I turned to face Applejack, who was slowly stirring and waking up. I stepped back, not wanting to get bucked again by the female, ponified equivalent of Rocky Balboa. It was bad enough the first time.

     "Applejack are you alright?" Twilight rushed over and helped her friend up, a look of worry glued itself to her face.

"Ahm alright sugar cube, ah bit sore in tha' head though."

    Luna stepped toward Applejack as she spoke. "Who did this to you?

"Ah have no idea, all ah remember was bucking some trees then ah woke up here."

     "Did you see anyone? Maybe a tall creature with no face?" I asked, hoping she said no.

Applejack looked at me, staring at my size and stepped back; a huge look of bewilderment spread across her face

     "Fuck fuckity fuck fuck." I turned to Luna. "How long did you say we have until you have to raise the moon?"

"1 hour and 6 minutes."

     "Shit, we need to get moving like muffins in an oven."

"Erm, muffins don't move in an oven" Twilight corrected, dumbfounded by the ridiculous statement.

    "I er, wasn't sure where I was going with that" I mumbled. Damn my stupid drunken arse.