I'll have some lemonade

Beavis and Butt-Head Do Equestria: Friendship Sucks

By NocturneD

8 years ago...

A younger and half sized version of Beavis and Butt-head were again waiting in the rain. Why waiting outside? School was let out about a half hour ago and it was supposed to be Beavis's mom's turn to pick up the two for the car pool that was rotated between parents. It was Friday afternoon. Go figure.

The two waited outside the Highland elementary school. Longer. Then longer. And longer.

"Well. Way to go butt munch your mom is late again." The younger Butt-head grunted.

The younger Beavis frowned, "Yeah well. At least my mom doesn't have a new boyfriend every few weeks."

Insults really didn't seem to hurt Butt-head as easily as it did Beavis back then. Butt-head practically knew everything that was said about him and his family is true. His mother Belle; never had a good taste in men. The woman never really could find a decent man as few times sometimes they would over stay their welcome. Sometimes they would take advantage of her money that she would save up for her son and spend it on drugs and alcohol. Or money just to get Butt-head out of the house because he was a curious young mind back then.

Before all this. The young Butt-head would always be introduced to the new boyfriend as his uncle. Uncle Bob, uncle Joe, uncle Mike, uncle Hugh, uncle Matt, uncle Rico, uncle Steve. Some of these uncles were arrested at the house for possession. Belle was also taken in and accused of holding since it was her house. Butt-head would live with his grandma sometimes. Now if you want an old fashioned grandmother. Grandma Opal was pretty old fashioned as they came but also had her problems after losing her husband took a toll on her, she just didn't care anymore. Could say that. Butt-head takes after her. Attitude and everything. Whenever people tried to insult her she had something to say back. Though the more that Butt-head noticed the more that grandma Opal would shrug off like she didn't care at times. Sometimes she would whack them upside the head with her cane if they ever did persist. She just had that commanding way that Butt-head admired. She treated her friends like her side kicks, like Beavis was to him. Sadly. Grandma Opal would suffer a heart attack later in the years. Her last words were, "Butt-head you dumb ass these aren't my heart pills..."

The two still waited outside. The rain was only dropping harder and harder on the two. They didn't wear coats or had proper equipment for the rainy weather. But still they waited for their ride home.

Just then the front door to the school opened up. A long blonde haired young man stuck his head out to see the two sitting outside. Teacher instincts kicked in as he held the door open wide then said, "Hey you two why don't come inside where its not all wet mkay?"

The two boys shivered. Looked at each other. They knew their ride wasn't coming. Probably giving head to some random guy in the car in some alleyway somewhere. Then walked back inside the school.

"My lord you two are drenched." The teacher inspected the two. "Come on let's go get you dried off."

The two didn't argue. They followed him to another classroom. Then they noticed it was one of the third grade classrooms. Beavis and Butt-head were only in the second grade at the time and heard stories about the third grade. They heard everything was supposed to be a lot cooler. But that's what everyone hears. Kids just want to grow up too fast these days.

"Now you two sit at one of the tables. I'm going to get you some towels." The blonde man assured the two as he left the classroom.

The two looked around. There were still some kids but they were busy reading. Reading for what who knows. Butt-head spoke up, "So. What's up?" Some of the kids looked up, then back down into their reading material. Was unfortunate too. The kids in the classroom knew about the twos shenanigans. Everything from throwing paint on the chalkboard to making the principal go crazy that she had to be put into a straight jacket. They wanted nothing to do with Beavis and Butt-head, the two didn't want theirs.

The blonde man came back with towels and a tray of hot chocolate for the kids. "Okay everyone. Hot chocolate with extra marshmallows." He set the tray down at one of the tables. He picked up the towels and walked over to the two and started to unfold them. "Need any help drying off?"

Beavis took one of the towels and rubbed himself off. Butt-head did the same, great full. The teacher then placed two cups of hot chocolate in front of them. He pulled a chair to sit next to the two, "Everyone help themselves. I'm just going to be with these two for a minute." The other kids wasted no time, free chocolate who wouldn't? The blonde turned to the young Beavis and Butt-head and smiled, "You two miss your bus? Or waiting?"

Beavis sipped his hot coco and smiled, "My mom was supposed to pick us up."

"Probably forgot again because of her job." Butt-head chuckled.

"Oh. What does she do?" The teacher asked.

"Um..." Beavis didn't answer.

The blonde man then picked up on this right away, "Oh I see... you know your phone number? Either of you two?"

"I think you can find my mom's number written on a bathroom wall somewhere." Beavis sipped slowly.

"Well I'm sorry little guy but that doesn't really help much. And I'm sorry your mom chose that line of work." The teacher reached for a cup of coco himself and looked at Butt-head, "What about you? You remember your number?" Butt-head pulled out a piece of paper then showed it. The teacher read it, "1-800-spank me?" He crumbled it up and just chuckled it off. "Good one little guy. Seriously you two don't know your own number?"

"Nope." Butt-head sipped his coco.

"Well. If this happens again you're welcomed here in the reading club. It's mostly with kids from different grades but it's really to show to love of reading for todays youth." The teacher explained, "We gather here everyday after school until five o'clock."

"Mr. Van Driessen, Tommy is eating paste again." A little brunette girl with glasses said while she walked up to the occupied table. She looked like she was around Beavis and Butt-head's age.

Van Driessen frowned and sighed, "Again Daria?" He looked at the two, "Excuse me you two."

That was probably the first time Mr. Van Driessen ever reached out to the two. He used to be a teacher of an elementary school then moved up to the tougher challenges of high school. Though Beavis and Butt-head always worked each teachers last nerve, David Van Driessen never gave up on the two and saw some potential in them. Each day he left his door open for the two, sometimes Beavis and Butt-head challenged his friendship by throwing books everywhere. Sometimes writing in them. But he saw that they were troubled. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.

Time and time went on. Beavis and Butt-head could never catch a ride home from even their own parents. David took this upon himself to do so as drove the two to their homes. He saw what lifestyle Butt-head's household was like. Pretty average except for clothes being thrown over furniture. Uncle Sam was passed out on the floor without a shirt on. Belle sleeping on her bed, back turned to the door but didn't want to show off her black eye.

"You going to be okay?" David asked.

"Yeah. They're like this all the time." Butt-head explained.

David didn't want to leave at first but knew Butt-head could handle himself. He was used to it. He took Beavis home next. This time, looking in he was a little more appalled at the scene. Used condoms on the floor. Paint coming off the walls. A baseball bat was near the front door. Furniture was in terrible shape, even had a book to replace one of the legs. Beavis just sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. David saw a note on the refrigerator door and read it...

"To Beavis. There's dinner in the fridge. Lurve mom."

David opened the fridge and found a plate with a single cracker on it. Along with a cockroach. David slammed the door in disgust. "You got to be kidding me." Then he heard thumping coming from the next room, then moaning. "Now I seen and heard everything." He asked Beavis if he was going to be alright. Beavis just nodded and went back to watching TV. Again David had a hard time thinking that everything was alright. Sure he could call social services but he would eventually learn that they were called many times before and Beavis would end up right back in that house somehow. He got in his car to start it, pulled out of the driveway then noticed Beavis was staring out the window at him. David waved at him just to make himself feel better.

He never gave up on those two...

8 years later back in Ponyville.

Twilight Sparkle was up to her new task of studying Beavis and Butt-head. To know what makes them tick. She spent the day taking notes. They stopped in front of Cranky Doodles house.

"So what am I supposed to be doing?" Twilight asked.

"It's called Ding Dong bitch." Butt-head chuckled.

"I thought it was called Ding Dong Ditch?" Beavis chuckled.

"Uh huh huh. You said dong." Butt-head pointed out. The two laughed harder.

"I don't get it." Twilight looked puzzled. "But... how does this ding dong work?"

"Uh... You walk up to the front door. Ring the bell then run." Butt-head explained.

"But how is the pony going to know who I am if I run before they answer the door?" Twilight asked.

"Uh. That's the point dumb ass." Butt-head chuckled. "Now go up there and try it."

"Alright then. Here goes nothing." Twilight marched up to the door. She ran the door bell then looked back at the two. "What am I supposed to do now?"

"Run butt dumpling!" Butt-head called out from behind a tree.

Just then Cranky Doodle answered the door. "Oh. Eh you're one of Pinkie's friends aren't you?"

Twilight turned around then blushed, "Oh yes. Mr. Cranky Doodle. Pinkie Pie uh... just wants to say hi."

Cranky Doodle frowned, "Yeah well. Tell Pinkie she said hello a billion times before." He sighed, "Need anything?"

"Uh no. Sorry to bother you." Twilight turned and ran towards the two. "So how was that?"

Beavis frowned, "You're going to need some work on that."

Twilight lowered her head in disappointment, "I'm sorry. I'll do better next time."

"Yeah well maybe there won't be a next time." Butt-head chuckled just to intimidate Twilight.

"Please I need to do this!" Twilight pleaded. "Princess Celestia is counting on me!"

"Alright then. Uh... get us some nachos then." Butt-head demanded.

"Can't you wish for some nachos?" Twilight asked.

"Who's the teacher here?" Butt-head frowned.

Beavis shook violently, "GET US SOME NACHOS DAMN IT! OR I'LL REPORT YOU TO THE PRINCESS SO SHE CAN TAKE YOU OUT BACK AND KICK YOUR ASS!"

Twilight got scared at the mention of an upset princess then ran to the general store. Beavis started to laugh. Butt-head turned his head, "Beavis. That was pretty damn cool."

"Thanks." Beavis chuckled.

After a nacho break. The three head over to the Sugar Cube Corner. No reason given. Pinky Pie was sitting at the front desk looking bored. She saw Beavis and Butt-head enter, "Hey you two!"

"Hey how's it going." Beavis replied quickly.

"Oh it's so dull. Not a lot of ponies are coming in to buy anything." Pinkie pouted.

"Slow day?" Twilight asked.

"Uh huh." Pinkie nodded, "Also Mr. and Mrs. Cake ran out of the good stuff so I can't make my special desserts."

"So where are they now?" Twilight asked.

"They went out to get more. Should be back later." Pinkie fumed but then smiled, "Atleast Pound and Pumpkin cake are keeping me busy." A small pegasus and little unicorn were playing on the green round rug in front of the counter with various toys. Beavis and Butt-head were aware of the cake twins but never really interacted with them much since they were always at the front desk selling stuff. She heard a DING from the kitchen. "Can you three excuse me?" Pinkie went into the back room to do whatever.

Beavis and Butt-head looked down at the cake twins. The twins looked back up at Beavis and Butt-head.

"Uh... what are you looking at? And stuff?" Butt-head chuckled.

"They're just babies Mr. Butt-head. Don't think you have to insult them." Twilight explained.

"So? They don't know what I'm saying." Butt-head countered.

"Can some pony help me back here?" Pinkie called from the back room. Beavis and Butt-head walked in and found Pinkie trying to fool around with the oven. "This stupid oven. Some reason the gas isn't on."

"Have you tried sticking your butt in there and cutting the cheese? Eh heh heh." Beavis chuckled.

Pinkie rubbed her chin, "Don't think cutting the cheese right now is going to help." She looked back at the oven, "Can one of you two help me move this thing to see if the gas line is okay?"

"Uh... Okay." Butt-head agreed as he pulled the oven away from the wall. "Uh... Hmm..."

The cable connecting the oven to the wall was leaking gas.

Pinkie poked her head in, "Oh this looks bad. But I can't quite make out where the leak is coming from."

"Here I got a light." Beavis took out his lighter.

The camera switches the scene to the outside of the Sugar Cube Corner as the back corner explodes. Beavis, Butt-head and Pinkie stand there with black smog covering the front half of their bodies. Twilight raced in to see a giant hole where the kitchen wall used to be.

About an hour later...

Mr. and Mrs. Cake were looking at the damage. Mouths wide open, eyes in disbelief. The two teens, the ponies and the twins were sitting at the kitchen table as Mr. and Mrs. Cake came back to see if any pony was alright. The fire department was called of course along with the insurance agency.

"So let me get this straight. You two came into my kitchen and then you blew it up?" Mr. Cake asked the four.

"No it was a gas leak Mr. Cake." Pinkie smiled.

"Well regardless I'm glad no pony was hurt." Mr. Cake looked back at the huge hole.

"Oh you poor sweet dears can I offer you some lemonade?" Mrs. Cake said sympathetically.

Mr. Cake turned to his wife and yelled, "LEMONADE? WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A KITCHEN!"

"Uh... I'll have some lemonade." Butt-head chuckled.

Suddenly Beavis, Pinkie Pie, and the cake twins joined in laughing as well. Twilight looked puzzled but wrote down in her notes that the two were almost impervious to explosions and disasters.

note: as a quick thing, i've been debating with myself about some stuff I left out of this version. As seen from up top we had a flashback to when the two were younger as they weren't exactly all that evil yet, there was another one actually but I didn't put it in because some say it takes away from the craziness of this story. If I took out the flashback of this chapter then the chapter would have been super short and that's a no-no. Wither you guys want some side plots is up to you but if you want absolute chaos then alright.