Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

Perched on the bathroom counter, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. I was absentmindedly running a brush through my mane, but I was mostly just... lost looking at myself. The burns had healed enough in the five days since the incident that I no longer needed to cover them with bandages, but I would never be that same pristine filly that I'd been when Harmony transformed me. My mane was a rat's nest of tangles, having been neglected while we let my scalp heal, and it was every bit the pain Mom made it look to brush out those snags.

Travelling down my reflection, my gaze stopped on a spot on my withers. It wasn't as noticeable in the current light, but there were the odd discoloured follicles of fur beginning to grow in with my winter coat. It wasn't the most pronounced difference, being only a shade or two lighter, but I was concerned that, given time, it might grow into more noticeable patches along all my burns. If that happened, I'd end up looking like that pinto colt I'd seen in class on Tuesday. What was his name? Pipsqueak? That was also to say nothing of whether my mane might start growing in grey.

Even then, though, that was mostly just cosmetic damage—the sort of imperfections that 'adds character'. It wasn't exactly the sort of thing I wanted to dwell on, because I didn't want to be seen as vain. Besides, cosmetic damage to the filly wasn't the worst part; it was my eyes.

When Twilight took me to Ponyville General on Thursday morning, we got the bad news. Inflammation had masked some tissue damage, and although the medicated eye-drops had helped to a degree, my vision would be somewhat impaired until adulthood. All they really managed to accomplish with medication and magic was to make sure that they didn't get any worse. Sure, they could surgically or magically alter them now, but there was a significant risk of things reverting or worsening as my body grew.

That left me with bad eyes, and a need for glasses. That brought me back to the now, as I looked my reflection in the eyes. Since becoming a pony, my appearance had reminded me of... something. Messy black hair, bright green eyes... But for some reason, it always escaped me. Then the hospital optometrist provided me with my first-ever pair of glasses: huge round lenses and frames. That was when it finally hit me.

I'm basically filly Harry Potter now, I thought with a snort. All I'm missing is a lightning bolt scar and magic school...

Although I found some humour in it, I wasn't exactly pleased by it, either. Glasses were a pretty big change for me, and I didn't like the thought that one small accident could rob me of clear sight until they could be replaced. Given that I love reading so much, that would be absolute fucking torment. If not for the fact that I would need them replaced as I grew, I'd have asked Twilight if it was possible to enchant them to be indestructible.

"I should be getting ready for school," I mumbled, as I glanced at the hallway clock's reflection. Instead, here I was, healing, but unable to attend due to my suspension. Sure, Thursday afternoon Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo—apparently they called their little group the Cutie Mark Crusaders—brought by some homework, but it was just more maths. I couldn't do any of the reading without the book, and I couldn't exactly sit in for the history, social studies, or science lessons to take notes. Do these fillies even think to take notes?

It was nice to hang out with them a bit before dinner, but... well. I wasn't even allowed to show off what I'd discovered because Twilight and Starlight weren't around. Once they'd gotten over the fact that I had to wear glasses now, there wasn't really anything to do other than talk. That's how I found out that Shining Armour's punishment for Rarity was for her to take a childcare refresher course, and signed her up to attend a drug safety seminar put on by the Canterlot Royal Guard. The one that sold Rarity the tea, on the other hand apparently got a warning to put clear labels on her products, and encouraged to make sure ponies knew what they were buying.

Well, that's the gist I got. Despite being 'older' than me, in a lot of ways the girls are way too innocent. They had no idea why a seminar for safety with medicine—that was the only concept of drugs they had—was necessary. Scootaloo even joked that even she knew how to follow instructions. "And I'm ten!" she'd declared with a giggle.

At first, I wasn't exactly sure why a childcare course was necessary. That said, after listening to the girls talk about all the shenanigans they got up to when they were still trying to discover their special talents, I had a better idea why. Due to the schedule, the girls had a lot of free time on their hooves, and they couldn't always be supervised. Even when they were under supervision, it never seemed to be with the full attention of whoever was there, so they still got into trouble.

I can only imagine what would happen if they got high...

Maybe the highlight of that entire day had been the evening. After their day together at the art show had been inadvertently wrecked—or was that rescued?—by me, Twilight wanted to treat them before they headed back to the Crystal Empire. So while the three of them went out to eat at some fancy-pants place in town, it was just me, Starlight, Spike and Flurry Heart. That was an interesting evening, and not just because Starlight decided that night was the night to get some cooking lessons.

I'm pretty sure that despite intellectually knowing that I'd never hurt Flurry, they were a bit hesitant to leave me in charge of watching her while dinner was prepared. Maybe they thought she might do something to set off my fight or flight? This is my assumption because I know Starlight kept blinking in and out to check in on us regularly. Like, we were just a few rooms away in the lounge.

Jokes on them, though. Once I started telling the baby pony a toned down, abridged retelling of Jacques' Redwall, I had her rapt attention. It might've in part been because English names like Matthias and Cluny probably sound funny to her. Then again, I think most of their surprise probably stemmed from the fact that I was once more tolerating having her in my personal space, nestled beside me as I regaled her with the siege of Redwall Abbey.

I have my space hang-ups, sure, but I'm not unobservant. As much as sugar's important to ponies, I've seen time and time again in public that young ones—even those closer to my age—needed a lot more physical contact, not just for bonding, but to feel safe and reassured in general. No need to make a baby suffer because I have my trauma hang-ups. Besides, if I could work through it with Flurry and trying to bond with Starlight and Twilight... I might even start to approach normalcy... Or at least, pony-normalcy.

Starlight was probably even more surprised when I took charge with feeding Flurry—with what I later found out was minimal mess, no less. Look, I'm not saying she's a bad person, but she looked like a deer in headlights when the first spoonful of mashed peas ended up on her face instead of inside the baby because of foal magic. After all, from everything she told me, she didn't help raise two infants siblings.

The problem Flurry had was that she didn't want her baby food, because it wasn't what everyone else was having. Laura was the same way at her age, and I'd took a chance by assuming she'd be more inclined to want her food if she thought someone else was going to eat it all. With that in mind, I'd swiped the jar and spoon, and positioned myself in such a way that my pretending to eat it all was a lot more convincing. Sure enough, it worked, and she was very insistent I 'shared'.

I'm pretty sure there were more pictures of the two of us taken when the others got back later in the evening. My post-dinner nap was ruined by the sound of a camera and the removal of an alicorn foal from my side. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure why I enjoyed what little time I spent with the infant. Was it because it allowed me some time to be outside my own head-space? Did it remind me of the good times with mother and my sisters? Or was it just that it made me feel like a big brother again?

Pausing my brushing, I put a stop to my reminiscing. Thinking about those three leaving the next day—and the realisation that I genuinely looked forward to the next opportunity to spend time with Flurry when I wasn't injured—just made me miss my own family. But hey, at least Princess Cadance promised to mail one of the photos of me and Flurry.

The more I thought about it, the more I missed the time I spent being a big brother to Sara and Laura, bastard father's beatings and all. I think, for the first time in a long while, my mood felt more on the masculine side of the spectrum than middle or feminine. Not that I'm saying it's why I found myself wanting to go fishing this morning, but it certainly helped make me want to express that side of me.

There's not much I can do about my filly face, especially the eyelashes, I decided, looking over my reflection. My split lip had healed, and I could see a slight scar, but even that much was starting to fade already. I don't think cutting my mane short would help, especially if I end up feeling elsewhere later on. That said, though, there was nothing stopping me from putting it into a more swept-back look. Plenty of male actors back on earth managed to make it look good. After a few minutes of tinkering, I managed to get it the way I thought it should look, and to be honest, it didn't look too bad. It'd probably look nicer if I had a ball cap to keep it from blowing out of my face, but it'd do.

Giving my reflection a grin, I set down my brush. "Lookin' good, and feelin' better," I said aloud in a bit of a sing-song voice. "Wonder if I shouldn't leave a note on my door that says 'Gone Fishing'?"

~ 14 ~

The thing about Ponyville, I've found, is that if you act like you belong and nothing is wrong, you can get by relatively unobserved. When you ask nicely enough, your guardians will get you things you want—within reason. With that in mind, I was currently on the path to the outskirts of town with my saddlebags full of snacks, my thermos, my magic notebook and pencil, a small bag of hooks, and a spool of fishing line.

My plan for the afternoon was relatively simple: check in with Miss Fluttershy, let her know I was in the area and where I'd be, and then get settled a little upstream from her cottage. From there, I'd spend the day fishing, and if I caught anything, I'd grill it over an open fire. If I caught more, I'd bring the extras for her animals. Lord knows, Starlight and Twilight didn't seem fond of the idea of me cooking fish in the castle.

Now, theoretically, I should need a flint and knife to start a fire, but nobody had to know if I broke the rule about unsupervised magic.

It was a pretty nice day out, to tell the truth. Even if I didn't catch anything, it'd be nice to just be completely by myself enjoying nature. If I could get by without thinking about... things for a while, all the better.

I didn't want to be so paranoid or distrustful of the Sun and Moon Horses, but every day I went without having those concerns challenged, I grew more and more unsure of my place here. I just hope I get the chance to talk to some more non-ponies. It'd be so much easier to put these fears to bed and work on my own issues if I could.

Much to my surprise, I didn't even have to go all the way to Miss Fluttershy's place to check in with her. We met shortly after the crossing over the river near the cottage.

"Oh! Good morning, Anon," she greeted with a gentle smile. It seemed that she had her own saddlebags and a rather grouchy looking buck rabbit on her back. It looked like there was even a list poking out of her bag. Funny enough, she didn't comment on my change in mane styling. "What brings you out here?"

"Good morning, Ma'am," I answered in kind, giving a slight nod that caused my glasses to slip down my snout. With an embarrassed smile, I pushed them back up my nose and inclined my head towards my bags. "I was planning on doing some fishing upstream from your place. Figured I'd let you know, since nobody was home at the castle when I left." For a moment, there was a look of concern on her face, so I quickly added, "I left a note saying where I'd be. Just wanted to check in with you first."

She seemed to accept that. "If you follow the river up that way into that pine grove, you'll find a clearing and a small lake that the river feeds into," Fluttershy said, pointing up-river a ways. "That's where I get the fish for most of my carnivorous friends. The fish are very active there."

"Thanks for the advice, Miss Fluttershy."

I began to make my way along the riverbank, but I heard her call out, "If you see a bear, don't be afraid. That's just Harry. He might want you to share, but he won't hurt you." She seemed to pause as though considering something. "If you have many extras, could you ask Harry to drop them off at the cottage? If it wouldn't be too much trouble, I mean."

That... actually gave me the chills. I knew that she dealt with some carnivorous or omnivorous animals, but I'd honestly expected that to be more along the lines of foxes, birds of prey, and the likes. Hell, I thought Pinkie was joking when she mentioned Fluttershy wrestled bears at the welcome party. In all my time back on Earth, I'd never had good encounters with ursine critters, and now I was being asked to share and treat one like a delivery boy if he came a-callin'.

"Will do," I said, taking off in a sprint. Here's hoping I'm by myself.

If not for the fact that colours here seemed much more vibrant here, I could've sworn I was back home with how familiar the environment was. As I trekked through the grove, I could see that the soil was browner, the grasses greener, and the sky far more vivid than I remembered. I couldn't help but wonder if ponies had more... what were they? Cones? It'd been so long since that lesson in biology, but that sounded right. Did ponies have more cones in their retinas?

My eyes teared up a bit as I became lost in sea of memories. Even as I picked out a good and somewhat flexible, but fairly dry stick to turn into a fishing rod, it felt like I was reliving a memory rather than being out here. I couldn't be sure what brought it about, but despite feeling saddened by it all, I think I needed this time to myself. The catharsis was really, really nice.

Once I had my soon-to-be rod, I continued along the river's edge until I found the lake and clearing. Once I found a nice spot on the lake near some aquatic vegetation, I set down my things, I went off to find some flint. There was no way I could've convinced Twilight to buy me a filleting knife or any sort of multi-tool, but I didn't need that. One of the many things mother taught me growing up was flint knapping.

It didn't take me long to find a good piece and get it a good sharp edge shaped. It helped that, in having hoof fields, I didn't need to wrap it to put a grip. The fact of the matter was that the piece I chipped and shaped looked closer to an axe head than a knife, but that suited me just fine. It made the next part— smoothing down my new fishing pole—all the more easier.

I never asked Mom where she'd learned everything she had about wilderness survival and trapping, and—as I knotted some line around the base of the pole and then wound it up the length—I found myself wishing more that I'd asked her more about her life before she met my... sire. Even if he donated genes, the only fatherly things he taught me were hunting and shooting. Mom, though, seemed at home in the woods, even if she seemed like she would have rather become a teacher. She just had this respect for nature that my father didn't.

Etching a small groove at the end of my pole to set a second knot, I couldn't help but speculate how she ever could've ended up with him. I'd often suspected she was indigenous, but for the life of me I couldn't imagine her ever showing interest in that bastard. But then, if he kept a gun that had a filed-off serial number, she might not even have been with him by choice.

A bit of bile rose in the back of my throat as I unwound several feet of line from the spool. Am I... was I a rape baby? Were me and my sisters just a means for him to keep her tethered to her? Shaking my head to clear the thoughts, I cut the end of my line and fetched a hook from my saddlebag. I attached it with a cinch knot. Despite my dark musings, I couldn't help but smile as took in my work. This would serve me well.

Just one thing missing... The lake didn't look all that deep, so if I didn't want to snag the bottom... I looked around for a suitable piece of wood. Not too big... just enough to suspend the hook and sit on the surface. Once I found a good piece, I etched a small groove around its circumference, and tied the line around it in an easy to remove knot. Yes, that'll do.

It took me no time at all to find a worm, and once I did, it was time to enjoy myself.

~ 14 ~

I'd finally managed to just turn my brain off for a bit. While I hadn't fallen asleep, I found myself lying on my back on the shore line just basking in the sun. My line was out on the water, and the rod was jammed into the shore, nestled between my back hooves. If anything took the bait, I'd feel it. In the meantime I'd eaten a chocolate bar and had some tea from my thermos to wash it down, before stashing the trash back in my bag.

Honestly, I had half a mind to preemptively start collecting up enough wood for a small campfire in anticipation of a catch. That said, I didn't want to risk missing out if a fish decided to bite soon. Fishing was a long, boring, and sometimes even fruitless endeavour. It'd be hubris to turn my attention away like that.

Just when I was considering digging out my notebook and planning out a proper fire-starter spell, however, there came the snap of a twig and a rustle in the underbrush. Immediately, I perked up, surveying the clearing. The birds had all gone quiet, and there wasn't a peep from the insects. Something's out there...

There was another snap of twigs. This time, I was actually able to pin-point it; someone was coming from the same direction I'd come along the riverbank. It struck me as somewhat odd, because the forest floor along the river's edge was bare when I passed through. Either they fancied themselves trailblazer, or they were just an animal.

"Miss Fluttershy? Harry?" I called out. When no response came, a prickle of danger ran down the back of my neck. Pulling in my fishing line, I stared in the direction of the sound. "Hello?"

Still no answer came, and I found myself etching out a modified version of the light spell—the same one I'd used in practice the other day—in the dirt. See, in the days since, I'd taken a look at a runic dictionary to pick part the light spell in order to see how it worked. As I'd imagined, the spell was basically conjuration of a light orb. So if I replaced the light rune with fire, and changed the positional to a point in front of my hoof...

I glanced over the spell once before setting my hoof above it. "Whoever's there, show yourself!" I called out, thrusting my other fore hoof in front of me. A ball of blue flame swirled into existence in front of me. "But come out slowly."

For a few excruciating moments, nothing happened. Just when an inkling of doubt crossed my mind, like maybe I was trying to bluff a squirrel or something, a pony came out of the bushes—a pegasus filly maybe a litter taller than me. I'd never seen her about the town before, and between the filth matting her coat and the twigs in her mane, I got the impression that she might've been living out here by herself. "I-I'll come out," she stuttered, slowly walking fully into view. Her eyes were wide with fear, but they were locked directly with mine, rather than focusing on the fireball. "I... I'll do whatever you say. Just p-please don't hurt me."

Shit, it's just a scared little girl... Sighing at the pitiful sight, I ceased my spell, and the fireball collapsed in on itself in a puff of smoke. With a fluid motion, I scuffed the runes. "I'm not gonna hurt you," I said, my butt hitting the ground as lethargy washed over me. Note to self, conjuring different elements has different strains on my stamina. With a dry laugh, I shook my head with a smile. "You scared the life out of me."

Once my spell ended, she stopped walking. Her eyes darted up to my forehead, still on full display from the swept-back mane style, and then around the clearing. Shit, beyond scared; she's terrified. The grey fur beneath the filth seemed to stand under my continued gaze, and her unkempt wings twitched. Clearly, I wasn't the only one with hardwired with fight or flight, or spent time living in the woods, because she looked like she hadn't had a warm meal in a long time.

Maybe it was because I did know what it was like to experience famine that I patted the ground beside me, and then rooted through my bag. There were still some snacks in my bag, and plenty of tea. "Come, sit," I said, filling the thermos mug lid with tea. "You look you need this more than me."

The filly continued to stare, doubt on her face, even as I set down the tea and a couple of mass-produced wrapped pastries. A glint of hunger flickered in her eyes, but she stopped herself from approaching after just a single step forward. "How do I know you're not one of those things?" she asked with a tone of accusation. "If they could look like Mommy and Daddy, how do I know you're real?"

Things? Look like Mommy and Daddy?

I slowly dragged my saddlebag a distance equal to that which separated the strange filly from the food. "Are you talking about Changelings?" I asked, taking a drink straight from the thermos to show that there was nothing wrong with the tea. At least I learned my lesson about storing boiling tea in the thing. When she nodded, I couldn't help but feel bad. Has this filly really been out here on her own for over three hundred days? "It's okay now. You're safe here; they haven't been in Ponyville for months from what my big sis told me."

Tentatively, the pegasus—I was hesitant to call her little, because I knew emaciation could make you look smaller—cleared the distance between her and the food. Once she seemed certain I wasn't about to jump her, she sat down and started sipping the tea. Relief flooded her face—at least the parts not covered by her silvery-white mane—as that was probably the first warm thing she'd eaten in some time. Still, she didn't look like she bought what I said. "That's what they want you to think," she declared. "Somepony else tried months ago, but I saw through him! I saw him transform, not that he knew."

Luckily, she seemed to have more sense than to drain the mug in its entirety. Instead, she put it down and tore into the pastry wrappers. Back on Earth, I wouldn't even have considered giving highly processed sugars to someone in her state, but she was a pegasus. Judging by the fact that she had come in on the forest floor, she probably didn't have enough magic in her to fly, and barely enough to live.

Watching her wolf down both of the gifts, I couldn't help but wonder how she'd stayed alive on her own. If a child back on Earth had ended up in this situation, could they have ended up living nearly an entire year? Maybe with some survival training, but the winter months would've been deadly. Here, the length of few months was the equivalent of a Terran year, so it would've been a bit easier.

Still... there was the matter of forage, where she was staying, and how she'd avoided being found. Surely if a filly had gone missing around that time, someone would've noticed... For that matter, there were some things that my nose hadn't picked up about her that confused me. I couldn't smell anything like smoke on her, which in itself wasn't all that unusual, but at the same time, she also didn't smell like a person who hadn't been bathing properly for several months. In fact, it was almost like I was nose-blind. That weirded me out more than anything, because I knew my sense of smell was stronger as a pony. What kind of cover-scent was that good?

"I won't ask where you're staying," I said in a soft voice. The strange filly actually looked surprised that I wasn't gonna pry. "Just... tell me you have some decent shelter."

"I... found a small cave in the bad woods," she said slowly, backing towards the bushes as we heard hoofsteps distantly on the path. "Those things won't go near the place..."

The bad woods...?

Her eyes started to look around for an escape. "I gotta get out of here!"

"Wait... Can I meet you here again tomorrow?" I asked in a tone of sympathy, moving to collect the mug and the wrappers. "I promise I won't tell anypony, and I'll even try to bring more snacks."

She looked unsure of herself, her gaze fully locked on the path now. "What's your name?"

"Anonymous," I said. "You?"

"Hailstone..." She murmured something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like she was accusing me of having a changeling name.

I could almost fully see the pony coming up the path now. The yellow coat and pink mane were a give-away as to who. Evidently, Hailstone had seen her too, because she took a running start before gliding across the river. The moment she touched down on the other side, she disappeared into the foliage, vanishing without a trace.

As I finished packing my things away, Fluttershy entered the clearing. She'd evidently come to check up on me, but was surprised to find out that I was packing up already. My defence was that the fish didn't seem to be biting, and I was feeling a bit bored. Technically neither were lies, and she ate them right up. Hell, she even offered to walk me home.

It was an offer I took with relish. There was something about her that had a soothing effect, like she radiated peace and tranquillity. It helped ease my nerves as I considered what to do about Hailstone. So I quickly wrapped my fishing pole's line, threw on my bags, and then slid the pole through the cover on one of the sides.

Leaving alongside Fluttershy, I paused just long enough to glance at the ground that the pegasus filly had crossed earlier. I noticed something odd... disturbing even, but I didn't vocalise my alarm. Hailstone hadn't left behind any hoof prints in the dirt. Not even where she'd taken a running start.

What the fuck? I thought, biting my lip slightly as I felt a chill run down my spine. Did... did I just feed a ghost?