Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

The world felt strange. There was no other way I could put it. Like, it was clearly going on like normal around me, and my body could react to things, but there was some sort of barrier between my body, my emotions, and conscious mind. That was probably for the best for the ponies who found me; I might've been screaming otherwise.

See, the last thing I clearly remembered was following the boss mare through the streets of Ponyville. I was decompressing after being in close quarters with others for too long. Then we passed in front of an alley mouth, and then my recollection just stopped. Trying to remember just results in me seeing the alley mouth... like some corrupted video file. There's just... lost time.

The next thing I knew, I was standing in the middle of the street somewhere in the vicinity of Sugarcube Corner. It was close to sundown, by then. Much like right now, my body didn't want to listen to me, so I can just imagine the dazed look I must've had when Crescent Helm came across me. He was saying something to me, but it was like talking through a long tunnel. I guess when I didn't react to his presence or his words, he got spooked and used his magic to shoot a green flare off into the sky.

Ponies were evidently looking for me, and shortly after, the monochrome mare that had been with him in the town square touched down. She tried speaking to me, even just to get me to look at her, but try as I might, I felt like a puppet on strings. I couldn't even blink. That said, when she put a gentle hoof on my withers, my body did reflexively flinch, which probably didn't help assuage their concerns.

After a quick exchange with Helm—I was able to make out 'Princess', 'warm' and 'Sugarcube'—Moondust rocketed off into the sky, leaving me with the stallion. He said something to me, and to my surprise, I found myself following him. Maybe it was the commanding tone, or maybe it was just that it was an instruction my befuddled brain recognised, but suddenly I was a puppet with a purpose.

Although I wasn't able to actively look around, it became apparent that we weren't alone. Shortly into the journey, Ebony and Ivory ran up to their father. The colts were apparently trying to tell him something, but he said something along the lines of "Not now."

They followed in step close beside their sire, but there was something about them that struck me as odd—at least odd for them. The looks they kept shooting me over their shoulders were—rather than malice, angry, or even fear of me—ones of what seemed to be genuine concern. Sure, there was a little fear there, too, but it wasn't directed at me. Those boys were spooked. That, coupled with being trapped inside my own head, raised more concerns.

The guard stallion led me to Sugarcube Corner. It was easy for him to get me inside the building, but whatever force was guiding my body needed some cajoling to get into a booth. That brought me to the now. I was just sitting in the booth, staring at a glass of water. Nobody could get me to drink, even after trying the same commanding tone that got me to follow in the first place. The twins were seated at a nearby table, talking in whispers.

As I sat there, I grew more aware of the conversations around me. Crescent Helm was off to one side, talking to an on-duty guardspony from the Ponyville contingent. It looked as though she had a medical cross armband, meaning she was probably some sort of medic. "Found her on Violet Boulevard, conscious but unresponsive," he said, leading the armoured unicorn mare over to the table. "She seems to react to simple instructions, but getting her to sit in the booth was a challenge. Could you give her a quick once-over before the princess arrives?"

The medic nodded, sitting across from me in the booth. "Look up at me, hun," she instructed in a soft voice that my body wilfully obeyed. Her face was a mask of stoicism, and I got the slightest impression that her armour came equipped with the same anonymity enchantment guards in Canterlot seemed to have. That was to say her coat appeared grey and her face nondescript.

"Pupils are dilated," she noted aloud, before levitating a small flashlight from a satchel at her flank. She shone it in my eyes, watching them intently. "Sluggish pupillary reflex... concerning." Putting away the light, she leaned closer, angling her horn to point at my forehead as a spell fired off. "No indication of brain trauma, Helm," she said, glancing back at the stallion. "I'm gonna run a toxin detection and general medical scan, just to be on the safe side."

The door to the bakery swung open, and in stormed Twilight, Mrs. Moondust, and Princess Luna, just in time to see me get hit by two consecutive scanning spells. Before Twilight could swoop in and fuss over me, Crescent Helm intercepted the three ponies and quietly conversed while waiting for the medic's report. "There doesn't seem to be any barbiturates or any sort of chemicals in her system, and there's no indicators of physical trauma," she said, exiting the booth to address the four ponies. "As best as I can tell, she's in some sort of hypnotic trance state. Brain activity indicates she might even be conscious of what's going on around her, but it seems like her consciousness was pushed inward."

In my peripheral vision, I caught Twilight and the Moon Horse sharing a look. It seemed that though the medic's words didn't mean anything to Helm or Moondust, it meant something to them. There was a subtle widening of their eyes, and their wings seemed to tense. That's not good.

Even as Twilight rushed over to fuss over me, Princess Luna took a seat across from me, regarding me with a guarded expression. "I do believe I can bring her out of this state, Twilight," Luna offered, but there was concern present in her voice. "I cannot know what sort of reaction she shall have upon rousing, but she will likely require comfort."

It was kinda strange having Twilight fuss over me like this; hell, she was practically hugging me even before Princess Luna offered to free me from this state. Sure, she definitely cared about me, but it always felt more distant... professional, like a teacher, though occasionally the guardian side kicked in. Like when I got hurt and she was ready to unleash holy fury on those two colts and their father on my behalf. Still, this was the most touchy-feely she'd been since I'd scared her half to death with that tree stunt.

"Do it," she said without hesitation. "I need to hear from her what happened."

With that, the princess's horn began to glow. Slowly, I began to feel a sort of cold pressure in my head. It seemed to be probing around the... perimeter of my mind—for lack of a better descriptor. Then, without warning, that cold presence was all around me, engulfing me like a stone falling into a lake.

Suddenly, I wasn't in Sugarcube corner. Everything went dark around me, and I no longer felt as though I possessed a body. If there was a word to describe me, it would have been formless, trapped inside a shell. There was nowhere to go— nowhere to hide, It was just me, the cold, and the darkness of my trappings.

The presence grew more insistent, searching for a crack or some sort of opening, again, just like water. It startled me for a moment before I realised what was happening. She was attempting to find my conscious mind, even though it'd been buried in the subconscious, and drag it out. Except, I don't think the stone analogy really worked. It was more like she was searching for a stone, sifting through the mud at the bottom of a riverbed.

I'm right here! I thought toward her, as though my thoughts might somehow reach her. Willing myself to take some sort of shape, I reached out with a mental tendril, straining against the mud of my subconscious mind. There had to be a surface somewhere, but I had no idea which direction it was, so I strained to create another, and then another, until finally I felt stretched to the limit in every other direction. I can't even feel my own emotions, and I'm scared... Get me out of here.

Maybe she heard my thoughts, or felt me reaching out, but for a quick moment I felt her graze one of the tendrils. Her presence instantly recoiled, but I mentally reached out as if to grab at her with an outstretched hand. At the same time, I pulled back all the other feelers. Who knew what would happen if she pulled and my other metaphysical limbs tore off, forever trapped in the depths of my own subconscious? Don't leave me here!

A moment later, I felt her once more. This time, her own presence wrapped around that tendril of my consciousness and tugged. It felt like minutes or hours, although it was more likely not but a few seconds. Finally, I could feel my muscles twitching beneath Twilight's touch... The emotions I'd been cut off from surged in, giving my consciousness the buoyancy it needed to rise to the surface on its own.

As her presence left my head and my sight returned, I lurched forward in Twilight's grip with a gasp. Even as Twilight started to say something, the fear and confusion that had been building up—and unable to be processed—overwhelmed my mind. I did the only thing my brain would allow me to; I turned and buried my face in Twilight's chest, and began to cry. The tears were pouring from my eyes, soaking into in her coat. There may even have some snot.

See, it wasn't just the fear of waking up completely drained, my missing time, being trapped inside my own head that made me lose control. The dream I'd been having had loosened something in the mental walls I'd built up around a specific set of emotions so long ago. Having my consciousness pushed inward and drug back out only served to break that levee. All at once, the grief of losing my mother, leaving behind my sisters, resorting to prostitution, and losing my humanity washed over me with such force that I was swept away in a tidal-wave of emotions.

To Twilight's credit, she didn't seem bothered that I'd finally lost control, was making a mess of her coat, or that I was probably gonna need to clean my glasses later. Even as I blathered incoherently, I felt her wings wrap around my back, and her hoof stroked the back of my head. I think I'd even started crying out in English, asking for my Mom, saying how much I missed her and my sisters. She just sat there in the booth, holding me as I cried, whispering soothing words to me.

Somehow, even as I cried myself hoarse, I managed to keep my awareness of what was going on around me. Ebony and Ivory had pulled their mother aside at some point, and were whispering to her. Meanwhile Princess Luna was having a very hushed discussion with Crescent Helm and the guard medic. The bakery itself was otherwise dead quiet, and I kinda felt bad, because this whole scene was probably scaring customers away.

When I'd finally gotten most of it out of my system, I slumped in Twilight's grasp. "I'm good now, boss," I rasped. "What happened to me?"

Without speaking, Twilight unwrapped her wings from around me. Her forelimbs manoeuvred me to face the table, and her magic levitated the glass of water to my mouth. "We were actually hoping you could shine some light on the matter." She watched as I greedily gulped down the cold water. Once I had drained the entire glass, she levitated it away and asked, "You were gone for almost two hours. Can you tell me what you do remember, Anon?"

I glanced over at Princess Luna, who now stood beside the booth. "One minute, I'm walking behind you, and when we passed an alley... I." I swallowed and looked down. "The next thing I know, I'm standing in the middle of the street, trapped in my own head," I explained as my emotions started to bubble up. My voice was growing hysterical the more I spoke. "A pervert could've found me in that state... taken advantage of me, and though I had a mouth, I couldn't scream..."

That seemed to get Princess Luna's attention. "Truly?" she asked in a tense voice. Clearly that meant something to her. "You remember nothing at all?" When I shook my head from side to side, I thought I caught a shiver running through her coat.

"I don't... I never had any sort of history of blacking out," I murmured, trembling in Twilight's grasp. "Could whatever left me so drained this morning have caused it?"

That question seemed to hang in the air for a few moments. Twilight hugged me closer, but didn't speak up. The Moon Princess looked like she wanted to say something, but something stopped her. At first, I thought Twilight was nuzzling the top of my head, but maybe she was warning Luna off? No, even though I'm technically a child, I think she respects me enough to not keep this kind of thing a secret.

The silence itself was broken Ebony, who looked up at his mother. "Shouldn't we tell them, Mom?" he asked, his wings fidgeting at his sides. "It could be important, right?"

Luna gave the mare a questioning look. "Petty Officer, have you something to add?"

After a few moments decision, the mare nodded. "Your Highness, my sons seem to think that they may have seen something," she said to Princess Luna before giving her husband an uneasy glance. "After the altercation at the Ponyville Schoolhouse that resulted in both Anon and my sons being suspended, the boys were encouraged to give her a sincere apology as soon as possible." The mare wilted slightly as the Princess's gaze grew steely. "After seeing how she responded with Miss Applejack, they went off to find her and take their chances..."

Ivory piped up at that point. "We caught up with them on their way back from the hospital, but we were starting to get cold hooves so we were following at a distance," he said, looking surprisingly ashamed of himself. "Then she just sorta stopped in front of an alley, stared at something for a moment, before going in. We followed for a bit, and she wasn't alone!"

This time, a blushing Ebony spoke up. "There was this really pretty pegasus filly!" he stammered out. "Never saw her before; I'd have remembered. She was almost completely silver, with a white-ish mane... green eyes. We tried to follow after them, but then we rounded a corner and they were just gone!"

~ 16 ~

After being asked what I knew about the filly—I couldn't remember shit, did you really think I'd be able to tell you anything!?—the adults left me to my own devices while holding conference in one of those privacy fields at another booth. That left me, and the Crescents, Ebony and Ivory, relatively unobserved. Well, I say that, but Mr. Carrot Cake is at the counter, tending to what customers come in, and he's giving the boys a right stink-eye.

Any other time, I'm not sure how I'd have reacted to them casually coming up to me. After hearing that they genuinely wanted to apologise, even if it was heavily encouraged, I at least managed to not flinch when they sat down across from me in the booth. So instead of just one spooked looking filly sitting uncomfortably in a booth, it was a filly and two colts.

Since they were just sitting there in awkward silence, I took advantage of the opportunity and began to clean my lenses. Sure, I didn't have any proper lens cleaner or microfiber cloths—Note to self, get some of those!—but with careful pressure from my hoof fields, the moisture in my breath, and some napkins from the dispenser at the table, I was able to clear my glasses of most of the crud without scratching them up. After putting them back on, I looked from one colt to the other and cocked a brow.

"Anon, listen," Ivory began in a faltering voice. "We messed up. We know we did."

I nodded, but held back any sort of sarcastic remark. I want to see how far they can get on their own, before they need any sort of prodding.

"Back in Canterlot, we used to be bullied ourselves," Ebony explained with his ears folded back, unable to meet my gaze. "We became bigger bullies so those noble brats would leave us alone, and ended up falling in with a bad crowd... We started lying, shoplifting—" He let out an audible gulp. "—and scamming... Then Dad got transferred here..."

"We could have started fresh here, but..." Ivory continued. "We didn't want to risk being bullied again, so we kept doing what we did in Canterlot." He looked me in the eye before saying, "That doesn't excuse what we did to you, but we want you to know how sorry we are."

I shut my eyes, cocking my head slightly before taking off my glasses once more. Putting them down on the table, I pressed a hoof to my temple. When I reopened my eyes, I looked at the blurry shapes of the boys. "I'll be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted to forgive you," I said, tapping my temple gently with my hoof. "This is probably permanent, and the small, irrational part of my mind insists I should hate you both for the rest of my life."

Even though I couldn't see them clearly enough to make out the expressions on their faces, it was enough to see them wince. "Let me ask you both a question," I continued, heaving a sigh. "Do you know what it means to lose someone? A grandparent? A pet? Just... one day someone whose presence you've taken for granted isn't there anymore, and suddenly it's like there's a hole in your heart?"

The boys both shook their heads. "That's what I thought," I murmured. "Something that I heard once was that 'Children are cruel, not out of malice, but out of ignorance.' I never really understood what it meant because for the first... five years of my life, it was just me, my Mom, my two little sisters, and the monster who called himself my father. There wasn't anyone else." Putting my glasses back on, I looked at the boys. "You had no idea of the hurt of losing loved ones, so you couldn't see why it was wrong to attack it, and it reminded me of something else...

"We're all still just children," I explained, earning a look of confusion from the boys. That might've been because of the big words I was using, though. "For the last three years, I've been interacting with almost nothing but adults, and adults are different from foals so..." I shook my head, trying not to go off on a tangent. "Strictly speaking, our brains don't fully develop until we're adults, especially the parts relevant to decision making and impulse control." They still didn't seem to be picking up what I was laying down, and it finally occurred to me that they're just kids. "Put simply, you don't know any better."

Reaching a hoof across the table. "If you guys can promise to do better, I think I can look past this whole affair," I said with a smile. "For what it's worth, I do kinda feel guilty about feeding you your teeth—" I looked from Ivory to Ebony. "—and plucking your wing like I did. Truce?"

The boys shared a look before nodding. They reached across the table and put their hooves atop mine. In unison, the pair said, "Truce."

~ 16 ~

I didn't put up a fight when Twilight insisted she carry me from Sugarcube Corner to Sweet Apple Acres. Sure, my mind was a bit frayed from all the close contact, but what little mental energy I could muster right now could be better directed to other things. Oh, my body was fine; my magical reserves were probably about two thirds of the way full—a small feat in and of itself, given I was running on empty maybe two hours ago. It's just, after breaking down in front of Twilight, Princess Luna, and a bunch of strangers, fatigue was kicking in.

Still, it seemed like Twilight didn't want me to fall asleep while she gave me a ride. The mare was trying to fill the gap with small-talk, or insisting that she was sure that everything was fine. She was lying through her teeth, of course; I could tell that she and Princess Luna were on edge about something. Yet... I couldn't bring myself to press her for info. Should I have? Probably, but what happened in the cafe had shown me something. No, she was angry on my behalf when she received word of my suspension, too.

Book Horse had shown how much my well-being actually meant to her. Princess Celestia might've just pawned me off on her as revenge for the cake, or some sort of lesson to her pupil, and maybe for Twilight, I did just start out as such. That said, she seemed genuinely invested in my education and adaptation in this world. She wasn't just scared because her pet project went missing. She was treating me like family and making decisions she thought best affected my well-being—even if she knew it would be something I objected to.

Guilt began to creep its way into the back of my mind. She was so scared for me, I thought, looking up at the sky. Yet the moment I came out of it, I called her boss as if nothing was wrong. It was stupid of me... almost heartless. The whole 'boss' thing was something I came up with that was simultaneously indicative that I respected her authority, but impersonal. That said, it also sent a message... We aren't family. At the same time, there you had me adopting Starlight as my big sister like nothing was unusual about it. That's the sort of cruel, psychological manipulation he would use if he had the mind for it.

When we were going up the orchard road leading to the Sweet Apple Acres homestead, Twilight paused. Swivelling her head to regard me, she gave me a sceptical look. "I'm a bit surprised that you forgave those colts so easily," she said in a soft tone. "Nopony would have blamed you for rejecting their apology. Children or no, that Ivory colt very well nearly cost you your eyesight."

I shrugged, not meeting her gaze. "I probably shouldn't have," I agreed. "It'll probably be a long time before I can be around them without wincing—today I was simply too drained to care—but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do." I finally turned my gaze down to meet hers. "It just seems so... unimportant now, when you look at what's happening."

Twilight looked like she was about to say something. "Twilight, don't," I interrupted, patting her back slightly. "I can tell something is up. You and Princess Luna both seem to have a good idea what, too." I set my head down between her withers. "I'm not gonna press you, though. I trust you'd tell me if you didn't think my knowing would put me or others in yet more danger."

From this angle, it was slightly difficult to make out her expression, but shock seemed to be chief among them. "I don't know if anything like this gonna happen some more, or if all of this is just an unhappy series of coincidences putting everyone on edge," I murmured. "But I know you'll not let anything happen to me."

You'll never replace my Mom, but maybe... I shut my eyes and listened to the wind in the apple-trees. How did ponies in herds handle referring to parents when there were two or more mares? Were they also Mom? Did they have some sort of pony term I didn't know? Or did they call the other mares Aunties? I resolved to find out. Maybe I'm ready to let you in...

~ 16 ~

The party seemed to be quite enjoyable, if subdued for most of Twilight's friends. The hard apple cider was brought out, and many of the adults imbibed a bit. That said, the only one who seemed to aim for inebriation was Dash; the others were a bit more subdued in their drinking, even AJ. Even with Pinkie trying to bring a smile to everyone's faces with games and snacks and the like, everyone was trying to hide the fact that they were on edge.

Honestly, that made me feel guilty. Today should've been a time for celebrating Applejack's freedom, but whatever the fuck was going on had put a huge damper on everyone's moods. It didn't help any that I still didn't have a lot of energy to dedicate to feeling or expressing a lot of emotion. As it was, I pretty much just stuck near Twilight or Starlight for much of the evening—Twilight especially, with how on-edge she currently was.

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo tried their best to engage me, if for nothing else than to take my mind off my disappearance. I couldn't adequately explain to them why I was basically a zombie, or how I was feeling, and I didn't have the energy to dissuade them from making wild theories about what had happened. Those ranged from the mundane, such as me falling asleep and sleepwalking, to me being abducted by aliens, to me having some sort of super-hero alter ego that I wasn't allowed to know about. They meant well though, so I humoured them with a smile.

Eventually, as the night wore on, the girls were sent off to bed, and I was left being someone's silent shadow. Rainbow Dash was the first one to pass out in AJ's living room. Then Big Macintosh brought out a bunch of pillows and blankets, before shuffling off to somewhere upstairs. Then, one after another, Twilight's friends started turning in for the night.

Maybe the most surprising thing about that evening was seeing them all form a sort of pony pile. Most of them set out a pillow to support their upper bodies, and then used one of their neighbours as a pillow. The only one who really avoided the pile was Starlight, who stayed off to the side, although Twilight was out on the pile perimeter. Part of me wanted to just head off to a corner and avoid pesky pony proximity problems, but at the same time, I didn't really wanna be alone tonight.

Although I was more inclined to snuggle up to Starlight, I reminded myself that I'd decided to give Twilight a chance. To her credit, Starlight—I don't know if she was having a hard time falling asleep, or if she was keeping an eye on me until I turned in—caught me looking from her to Twilight. Maybe she even recognised my inner conflict, because she looked from me to Twilight and nodded, smiling softly.

With my decision more easily made, I ignored the pillow I'd been granted, and moved over to where Twilight was lying on her side. Careful, not to disturb her, I crawled atop her blanket and snuggled up against her belly. Resting my head across her forelegs, I pulled my own blanket over me and shut my eyes. I heard a camera go off, and Starlight giggling, but I was way past caring.