Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

Once upon a time, the void of my dream was the only place I could escape from all of the things that troubled my mind. Even now, living in Equestria, errant thoughts of my younger sisters, Sara and Laura, came to me. At times, I would even entertain questions of their safety, the sort of lives they were now living, and whether they thought I murdered our father. If they were told that I did, and they believed I could do such a thing, would they have blamed me? Here in my void, I could meditate and be without such thought.

Now, however, it was much harder for me to maintain my calm, and keep the void anchored. The line marking where Emerald ended and I began had become little more than a blurry smudge since coming to Manehattan. Ever since I saw that poster, I'd been reacting to a fear not of my own, as though it were my fear I was experiencing. Ponyisms had started bleeding into my vocabulary. I had even referred to Emerald Breeze as Mommy in moments of weakness. Now I'd even lost consciousness—in more way than one—only to find out that Emerald Flicker's persona had taken control... Calm was hard to maintain because I was just so furious...

I wasn't mad because I'd lost personal agency for a couple of hours. I'd had an inkling for some time that this body did not belong to me, so getting angry because the body's rightful owner had apparently woken from death was not a right I had. That would be outrageous. Imagine squatting in a cabin to keep shelter during the winter, only for the owner to show up in the spring and kick you out; it'd hardly be the owner's fault that you were squatting where you didn't belong.

I never actually belonged in Equestria in the first place. I was never supposed to be a part of Harmony's grand design.

No, I was angry on behalf of Emerald. This child had gone through so much. Her mother's death... the predation at the hooves of her mother's murderer... being pimped out to mobsters... violently abused and neglected... How could one of the Embodied Concepts of this world allowed this to happen to Emerald... To anyone? My very existence seethed at this because it was so analogous to my own history, and I would never have wished that on an adult, never mind a child.

"I tried to warn you, Anonymous," came a voice at the perimeter of my dream space. The voice, although clearly Aunt Twilight's, had that same musical lilt I'd heard in that memory. It was much clearer in this instance that her voice sounded as though it was being produced through crystal glasses with water in them. Slowly, a crystalline version of the alicorn slunk into view. "Nothing good would come from dredging up or dwelling upon Emerald Flicker's existence."

That statement galled me to the point that I actually had to manifest my borrowed body, just so that I could glare at her. "Remind me, Harmony," I hissed, "who it was that wanted me to go through that portal and solve a friendship problem in a world where my body's counterpart was deceased." The entity wearing Twilight's face managed to look quite guilty at that. "What did you expect was going to happen? Of course my mind was going to start pulling at the thread when it was dangled by people who knew the little girl whose face I wore. Every sapient being contemplates the circumstances of its existence at one time or another, and when there's this huge mystery, of course I'm going to end up looking. Then comes Emerald Breeze, alive and well, and all sorts of little feelings started bleeding into my consciousness!"

"I am not omniscient, Anonymous," protested Harmony, putting the expressiveness of Twilight's borrowed visage to good use. It was almost enough to make me feel bad for going on the offensive. "I could not anticipate the breadth or reach of the media of socialisation in that world. The earlier warning should have been enough to dissuade you from digging, although admittedly you preserved the greater harmony by meeting that world's Emerald Breeze."

Sighing, I shook my head. We aren't going to get anywhere with aggression. From the void, I conjured up a low table, two cushions, and a tea set. Seating myself, I began to pour two steaming cups of Chai. As an afterthought, I conjured up a dish of sugar and sweetened my tea. It was all simulated, of course, but the flavour was straight from my memory, so it may as well have been real.

"Take a seat, have some tea," I offered. "I want to hear why nothing good will come from this." Taking a sip of my tea, I watched with amusement as the crystalline alicorn disappeared, only to reappear on the cushion. "I get the impression that this is more than just 'reawakening Emerald's spirit', or whatever disharmony I cause in response to her memories. After all, if I took out Raging Storm and his cartel, it'd likely create harmony."

Harmony's avatar picked up the cup of tea I'd poured for her and took a sip before wincing at the flavour. Too spicy, or too hot? For some reason, I'd never considered that it wasn't actually a person, and wouldn't have regular exposure to sensations like taste. It was the embodiment of a guiding force in this world, but it wasn't Discord; it didn't walk among the mortals.

A tonne of sugar was dumped into the cup before Harmony was satisfied with the taste. "There is only ever supposed to be one of any given being existing at a given time. Reality itself conspires against those that should not exist," she explained. "Irregularities such as intruders from beyond the Border of Reality are met with events intended to drive them off. Illness, misfortune, even instinctual hostility from native life."

Again, the entity masquerading as Twilight managed to approximate a convincing look of guilt. "By right, you should have been left to die," she continued, a faraway look in her eyes. "You would have, had you not been similar to Emerald. It was, in the end, a matter of convenience; by granting you the form of Emerald, you could start a fresh life in her place. Being so close to the Sun, you would inevitably end up under the care of Magic, thus becoming a useful instrument like Magic's followers."

That sounded so cold and clinical, so much like a god regarding its subjects. For some reason, however, I didn't find it all that disturbing being told that I was simply a useful idiot. I could actually respect that it was being honest regarding that fact. We were all part of some greater cosmic game, granted our talents to achieve our unclear purposes. It did, however, make me wonder if the other forces, the other Concepts like Chaos had their own pieces on the board. Chaos isn't inherently evil, however, so I doubt Storm belongs to Discord.

"You could not simply be granted her form; as stated, Reality dislikes irregularities such as outsiders and duplicates, and even entities like me have to play within its rules," she said, emptying her cup and pouring more for herself. "The two bodies were intertwined, living off the same magic, but never intended to exist at the same time. Your life would become but a dream for the one with no willpower of her own to live. Your bodies would remain separate, so that her traumas would not be yours."

That caught my attention. "So that's why... By dwelling on her existence, showing her a life worth living, and even granting her wish to see her mother again, I gave her reason to live," I offered. "And then her fear scared her awake, so to speak, causing her to temporarily become the dominant existence?"

Harmony nodded. "Emerald is not... fully aware of you, of who or what you are," she said in a sad voice. "It is because of this dream link between the two of you that there has been a bleed of memories. At most, she's aware that she's been living in somepony else's shadow. Names and faces of those you know mean nothing to her; only the feelings of safety they provide."

So now that she's 'awake', she could end up in control. Except, if she exists, I slumber, and thus depriving my loved ones of me. "I'd almost be willing to chance whatever Reality throws at me and find a way to separate us, rather than put her through this," I whispered, banishing my teacup and debating whether or not to conjure up a bottle of whiskey instead. No, turning to alcoholism, even simulated, won't help anyone. "Is there nothing we can do?"

"Nothing that would be advisable," Harmony answered after nary a second thought. "It would take a grievous sin against the natural order, and an expenditure of all magic and emotion. But for the lingering touch of Hunger's children upon your mind, it would not even be worth attempting... I cannot condone taking that path, so if you tread it, you will walk it alone."

What does she mean by Hunger? Is that another of the Concepts personified? I mused, watching as Harmony savoured a second cup of imaginary tea. It was amusing that a being that was typically personified as a crystalline tree could develop a taste for tea. Hunger's children... I'm forgetting something, but what?

"It at this juncture that you would be better served learning to coexist with Emerald," Harmony admitted with a sigh. "It would be trivial to allow the two of you to switch at will, and as it stands, you already possess the capacity needed to interact with her here."

Already possess the capacity, huh? If it's specifically here, then Harmony is likely referring to my lucid dreaming. How would I interact with her? Unless... "The presence I felt last night," I mumbled, dropping my face into my hooves. "Of course that would have been her."

"Shall I enable the two of you to switch at will?" Harmony asked. "It would be quite simple."

"Since you had a metaphorical hand in all of this," I answered without a second thought, "I think you should explain things to her before we begin swapping willy-nilly." I thought of the door to my room back in Ponyville, and willed it into existence not far from the table. "In fact, after you're done, send her on into my dream."

Harmony's avatar looked unsure for a moment before nodding. "In the meantime, it may be prudent to create an environment that will not frighten her," the spirit agreed. "Make it somewhere she can feel safe."

~ 36 ~

It took quite some time, but I was able to reshape the environment of my dream to reflect my bedroom. It wasn't a one-to-one match, as I'd kept the low table and cushions. Additionally, the bed that we'd never gotten around to replacing with a desk was now neatly made with a cutesy little sign above it proclaiming in sun-glyphs to be Emerald's Bed. For congruency, there was a small chalk-board with Anon's Pillow Nest - Keep out scrawled in both sun and moon-glyphs above my corner, where Serenity rested atop the pillow pile.

The window was cracked, allowing an imaginary breeze to rustle my mane as I played solitaire on the table. Ponyville was, of course, too much for my unconscious mind to maintain, so what could be seen through the window was little more than a dome with an static image. It was just enough to make the environment not stand out when casually observed, thus conferring peace of mind. I didn't know if Emerald becoming too aware of the construct would cause her to wake or not.

When all of that was done, I committed every last detail to memory. In the event that I can't achieve whatever Harmony was hinting at, I'm going to probably need to reuse this space. The next time I needed this space, it'd be much easier for me to recreate, although I still preferred my void.

Were it not for the fact that I didn't want to unnecessarily explain anything when Emerald got here, I'd have conjured up an MP3 player and headphones so that I could listen to some Pink Floyd. Since it was a dream, I wouldn't have even have had to understand how an MP3 player worked, never having had one myself. Instead, I just sat in silence moving cards from column to column, or into the suit piles. It'd probably be funny to introduce myself using the appearance I had in the other world, but we can save story-time for another meeting.

Just as I finished a game—and I was definitely beginning to think she wasn't coming after all—there came a knock at the door. I silently reminded myself to not cuss or use big words in this meeting, and gathered the cards back into a deck. Instead, I hopped over the table, trotted over to the door, and pulled it open. "Hey there," I said in calm voice, looking at Emerald. She looked just as she had in that vision I'd seen last month, pigtails and all. ~~I'd~~ We'd clearly grown a centimetre or two, because her representation was shorter. "Come on in, Emerald."

I stepped aside, allowing her entrance. On the other side of the door, I saw that Harmony had once again taken on Celestia's appearance. Wonder if Harmony takes on appearances she thinks will bring comfort? Like, would Big Macintosh have appeared if he'd been the pony whose presence I found the most comforting? For that matter, does gender even apply to conceptual beings? I wondered, watching Emerald walk in and take a look around with eyes so full of wonder. Did Harmony explain what she even is, or does she think Harmony is actually Princess Celestia?

"Is this where you live?" Emerald asked as harmony pulled the door closed behind her. "It's very shiny, and you even have spot made just for me! That's so cool!" Like the excitable small child she was, her stream of consciousness quickly sidetracked when she saw the pillow pile and the sign above it. "Do you really sleep in that?"

Unable to restrain a chuckle, I made my way over to the table and plopped back down on my cushion with my back to my pillows. "This is pretty close to my real room, but the real thing lacks the signs above the bed and my nest," I explained, choosing to address her statements one at a time. "I figured I may as well make this place somewhere you might like; I don't use the bed either way. The pillow nest is my own little safe space."

I wonder how much of that compulsion is actually because of subconscious influences bleeding over from her, and how much is actually me.

To be honest, the expected response of 'You're weird,' never came. Instead, she just nodded. "He made me sleep in a closet," she said, her ears folding back slightly as her eyes misted up. I just guided her over to the table and sat her down. Before long, I'd conjured up a pitcher of apple juice and a couple of glasses—much to her awe. She greedily drank her juice, seemingly biding her time. "Before I ran away, I mean. It was the only place at home I felt safe. Daddy—"

"Don't call him that," I said in a soft but firm voice. If I was gonna be sharing the rest of my life with her, I was gonna have to nip that in the bud fast. "What he was doing to us—to you, rather—was not anything a father should be doing to his daughter. Especially after what he did to Mom..." Damn it... That is getting worse. Another problem with us both being 'awakened' minds, I suppose. "Starlight—think of her as our big sister—would tell you the same thing. Most sane adults would. Storm is an evil pony."

My expectations kept getting dashed upon the rocks like the biblical infants. Instead of getting upset at the mention of the things he'd done to her, there was a dawning expression of... awe? Respect? She was getting all starry-eyed looking at me. Here in the dream, I couldn't actually touch her emotions—Does that mean there's a physical component that Starlight's scan couldn't pick up on?—leaving me to rely on my old people-reading skills. "So Miss Harmony was telling the truth?" Emerald exclaimed, her voice breaking into the sort of squeak I'd heard from Sweetie Belle once or twice. "Big Sis Anon's gonna make sure that he can't hurt me ever again?"

I nodded, a distantly familiar feeling blossoming in my metaphorical chest. In the past, I'd wondered why ponies seemed to be willing to go so far for foals that weren't even their own—how Starlight and Twilight had welcomed me into their lives so readily—even when, at times, ponies seemed so very much like humans. Now, I understood. A desire that had so long been lost to my travels had returned. The innocence of foals must be protected, I thought, the words Big Sis Anon, echoing in the back of my mind. I can never go back to Earth and protect Sara and Laura, but just as Starlight has accepted me, my heart wants to accept Emerald as kin... to protect her. If it means doing the unthinkable, I would do it for her.

"Tell me a bit more about what Harmony told you," I finally said, in a shaky voice. I started shuffling the deck of cards that was still on the table, mentally conjuring a joker and slipping it in while I went. "We can play Old Maid while we talk."

She perked right up when I mentioned the game, and by the time I started dealing out the cards, she was utterly vibrating. A fun little game for kids and adults. So why does she look like a predator all of a sudden? While we took all the pairs out of our respective hands, she started telling me about Harmony.

The way she told it, Harmony said that I was a pony who'd died before her time that she wished to give a second chance. Since Harmony had Emerald in storage, and she wasn't exactly using her body at the time, she gave me the body. I was kinda surprised that Harmony had been so forthright with the filly, especially going so far as to explain that her resurgence wasn't expected. If I wasn't already invested in protecting her through protecting myself, I might even have been pissed about Harmony putting the onus of her well-being on me.

It was also a bit unusual hearing Emerald tell me that she was more than happy to share the body, although I think that was the loneliness talking. We could work out a schedule later if I couldn't figure out how to separate us, but in the meantime, it was most important to find out how to exchange control. Of course Harmony had already thought about that. While waking, whoever was in control need only desire to hand over control, and it would transition. Our dreams had been permanently bridged—I was sure Luna would have a field day with that—and whomever chose to leave this space would be in control upon waking.

With that done away with, we quickly finished our game. Old Maid wasn't my strongest card game, mostly because it was as much chance as it was manipulation and strategy. If I was good at poker because of my ability to read others and lead them along, Emerald was my antithesis, having unusually good luck with cards. In the end, once she got the Joker into my hand, it was all over for me. Maybe that's why I didn't feel sore about losing to a child?

"Since you won the card game, you can be in control first," I said with a soft smile, banishing away the cards for now. "Starlight's getting us pizza, so make sure to eat your fill." She jumped to her hooves, her little filly tail wagging excitedly. Before she could get out the door, I stopped her. "Remember to fill me in on anything that happens while you're up. Just put me in control if there's trouble or you need me... And let Star know what's up, alright?"

She nodded, bolting for the door. "Kay!" she called out. "See ya soon!"

Once I felt her leave the dream altogether, I sighed and flopped atop my pillow nest with the fake Serenity. Although I was more than happy to take on the role of Emerald's protective big sister, I was still having selfish second thoughts. Sharing this body would significantly slow down my studies... and for that matter, how would my mark impact Emerald? It was faded, almost as if transparent in Starlight's vision. Would she gain her own mark in time? Would the two forever be interposed?

My mind drifted back to what Harmony had said earlier. I had the touch of Hunger's children lingering on my mind, and if not for that fact, trying to separate would not even be worth attempting. There was something painfully obvious that I was forgetting, and I would probably kick myself when I found out. It was on the tip of my tongue, and I could have sworn that I'd spoken of the answer over the last two days.

The last time I'd been in desperate need of answers, I'd been in the Human world. I'd called out in the void, desperately hoping to reach Harmony. Instead, I'd only come into contact with Magia, the embodiment of that world's living magic. Many somethings had noticed me then, and I could tell that calling out blindly here could be just as bad an idea as it had been there. Still, if I couldn't think of who Hunger's children might be, why not go to the source directly?

"Spirit of Hunger," I called out, projecting my magic into my voice with purpose. "I seek your guidance."

Much as had been the case when I called out back then, the empowered word reverberated within my dream. This time, however, there were walls for the sound to echo off of. It left me with very real-feeling tinnitus. There was no sense of being watched by a great number of eyes. A bit of a cold sensation rolled across my body, but there was nothing like when I screamed into the void, and the void came to see.

For a while, nothing happened. In fact, that nothing went on for so long that I was beginning to think that Hunger, if it was even active like Harmony, wasn't interested in me. After all, Harmony seemed to favour ponies, so Hunger's children would probably be...

I smacked myself in the forehead, and only then did the laughter start. "My, oh, my," came a chillingly familiar voice. "Never would I have ever dreamed that one of Harmony's toys would ever have sought out me of all Concepts."

Nothing seemed out of place when I looked around in search of the voice. Nobody was physically there, even though the voice was definitely coming from within the simulated environment. No, that's not quite right... My reflection on the wall to the right seemed distorted. For one, the colour was far darker, and taller. Wait, I never even allowed reflections to work in the dream...

When a tall, black figure stepped out of the wall, I went stumbling backwards in alarm. The figure was none other than that of Queen Chrysalis, or rather, what she had been before she met me. Changelings... of course they were the children of Hunger. They're practically hunger fae anyways!

"You have adapted quite well to this world, outsider, but you're not really the harmonious type, are you?" purred what was undeniably Hunger embodied. "You have a certain desire, don't you? An insatiable thirst for knowledge... Ambition beyond what Harmony allows for..." It reached out a hole-ridden hoof and stroked my mane. "You hunger for the power that will keep you from ever feeling powerless again..."

This felt... wrong. You know those too-good-to-be-true things that felt like a 'Deal with the Devil' sort of scenario? This was giving off major vibes of that. Unlike Harmony, whose presence was inherently calming, Hunger's presence was jarring, discomforting. It made me feel like I hadn't eaten in days. Hunger felt more like a daemon. So why does talking to it feel like the right choice?

"Perhaps..." I admitted. "My mark drives my fascination with runic magic, and I am at times dissatisfied with the rate at which I'm being taught, but that isn't the knowledge which I seek from Hunger..."

The Concept wearing the former visage of Chrysalis looked intrigued."Oh?" she said in a teasing voice. To my surprise, she lowered herself down to my height and looked me in the eyes. Her eyes were two pools of darkness—no black holes—that were hard to look away from. It feels as if she's searching for something within me... "Perhaps you are curious about the surprise your encounter with Chrysalis left at your parting... the touch of Hunger on your mind?"

So my empathy is an unintended consequence of that encounter?

I shook my head. "Harmony told me of Reality's dislike for outsiders, why she put me in what had been a shell of a little girl," I said in an even voice. The conversation had to remain under my control, lest she try to influence me. "When I told her that I'd rather chance whatever Reality could throw at me rather than put this traumatised child through sharing her existence with me—especially if our minds continue to bleed together—she insinuated that the touch of your children on my mind granted me a chance at independence. She refused to explain more..." I shut my eyes with great effort. "Can it be done?"

With my eyes shut, it was like the room didn't even exist... It was just me in the darkness once more. That made her laughter all the more chilling. "Never have I heard of such noble... selfless hunger," she crooned. "You fascinate me, outsider. Hunger used for independence of self and the good of another? A novel concept."

Despite my eyes being shut—such as it was in the dream—her face appeared before me. I invited her in and she will be heard, I thought wryly as she smirked at me. "Yes, it is possible for you to separate from the child to which you have been bound," she whispered, her face slowly growing until the darkness around was Hunger. "Just because you are so fascinating, I will give you the information that you seek, Anonymous, and in doing so, you shall fulfil the debt you owe for robbing me of my most favoured pawn..." Soon, the darkness faded away to reveal the construct of my room. "All you have to do is..."