That night, rather than simply resting in the dream room, I was met by Princess Luna. She was already present in the room when I arrived, apparently already having placed Emerald Flicker into her own dream. According to the princess, our minds likely still needed proper REM sleep so that our brains could properly recover, albeit at a lower frequency than regular ponies. You'd think after spending two days in that nightmare, sleep would be the last thing I needed, but she promised me something peaceful and saccharine, so I didn't turn her down.

Emerald was still asleep when I awoke in my pillow pile in the dream room. I could tell because the filly's avatar in this space wasn't moving. Strictly speaking, we didn't even have to breathe here, and she certainly wasn't. Trust me, I was watching for a few moments, mostly because I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to wake up yet. That said, I wasn't sure if I could accidentally wake her up, so eventually I just exited the room into the waking world.

Although I'd fallen asleep resting against Fluttershy—Twilight had apparently still been chewing out Thorax's subordinate, even after my surprise meeting with Tempest—I was surprised to find that I was snuggled up under Twilight's wing when I awoke. It looked like it wasn't quite dawn, but it was coming up soon. She, for her part, was already awake, currently reading by horn-light. Then again, it was entirely possible that she hadn't slept at all.

When she felt me stir, she turned her neck to peer at me. "I didn't wake you, did I, Anon?" she asked, a bit of concern in her voice. "You've only been asleep for six hours, and Fluttershy said you gave yourself a good little workout in the garden." Twilight let out a soft giggle and slowly removed her wing. "You didn't even wake when I brought you back to my room."

I gave her a shake of my head that sorta doubled as a nuzzle. "I surfaced from the dream that Princess Luna gave me on my own," I explained. "I don't know if this new body doesn't need as much sleep as Emerald does, or if I wasn't actually as tired as I felt after exercising."

I perked up when I realised I wasn't passively feeling her emotions. Was it just a state of mind thing? Or was I actually still tired? It'd be nice if I figured out how to... A low growl from my stomach interrupted my thoughts. I looked up at Twilight with embarrassment. She looked more amused than worried.

"Hungry?" she asked, placing a bookmark in whatever she was reading. "It's a bit early yet for breakfast, but I might be able to get somepony to bring you something simple."

My embarrassment only grew, because the source of my hunger wasn't exactly something any maid could just bring me. "Unless Princess Cadance is awake, I think I can wait," I answered with a shake of my head. "No offence, but I... don't exactly trust Thorax and Apocrita right now, and I don't trust myself to actively feed on somepony." She looked surprised at that, although it might've been the pronoun usage. "I mean, I understand the concept and there might be some instincts, but..."

She glanced off to the side, and sighed. Following her I saw that Spike was there, curled up asleep in a basket that looked to be just the right size for him. He was snoring so softly I hadn't even noticed he was there until I looked. Twilight seemed to be considering something as she watched the rise and fall of the blanket.

When she made her decision, I could see the mana coalescing around her horn as she turned back to me and cast a spell. All at once, it felt like her magic was all around me. I couldn't tell exactly what she was casting, but it didn't seem to be dangerous. Hell, now that I was a bit more alert, I could tell that there was no malice behind it either. "I know the last several days have been hard for you, but I need some honest answers from you," she explained. "This is just a privacy spell so that we don't wake up Spike."

That put me a bit on guard. I didn't want to think about those days... especially the day I succumbed to Hunger's influence. I hated myself for giving into that lust for carnage, and I wanted to minimise how much I thought about it. "W-what do you want to know?" I asked as my ears angled backwards. I didn't pull away, but I could see the hurt reflected on her face.

Her violet eyes met mine as she held my gaze. "Can you explain to me why I received a bill from the Mareiott hotel in Manhattan for, and I quote 'Clean-up costs resultant of Anonymous Rule #4 self-defence exemption', and 'Emotional damages inflicted upon members of staff'?" she asked, a tired look in her eyes. "I understand that day was hard and that there was a lot of bloodshed, but exactly what did you do to traumatise the hotel staff?"

I broke off eye contact as my ears drooped down. "I, uh... One of the 'ponies' that delivered Raging Storm's demand letter was one of the monsters he let have their way with Emerald," I explained, a hint of fear slipping into my voice. "I'd made a spell that would surely demoralize anypony who witnessed what it could do to a living being as part of the kit I put together to save Starlight and Trixie... When he revealed what he'd done, I—well... I broke, especially after he inferred I 'play with him' before taking me back to that bastard."

By this point, I had begun to tremble. "The spell I used decimated the beast's neck and lower jaw, painting the hallway with gore and sending the top half of his head down the hall," I croaked, tears now welling up in my eyes. "I'd gone full manic psychopath, and cheerfully informed the front desk about the carcass and where the bill should be sent."

Twilight seemed to be more disappointed than angry. There was no blaming her for that; it was abhorrent, excuses or no. "Could you recreate the spell that you used?" She instructed, conjuring up a pencil and a clipboard with paper. That was not the reaction that I'd expected. Then again, she may be reserving judgement until after she sees the depths to which I've plumbed.

I was tempted to just conjure it up on my shell, but the worried look on her face told me not to fuck around. She had a reason she wanted it on paper, and it probably had to do with a magic blacklist. I didn't argue, but instead, over the next several minutes, I drew out the entire spell diagram, complete with annotations and explanations. The next page was relegated to hosting non-gory visual aides.

When I finally finished and passed the clipboard back to her,she stared down at it for a while, she was just silent. That aura of disappointment eventually gave way to horror, and then sorrow as she sent it away somewhere. "Anon, I..." She put her wing back over me and pulled me forward enough that she could get her foreleg around me. I was then pulled into an upright hug, complete with her head resting atop mine. "I had hoped that your escalating creation of combat spells was just a passing response to the events in Sunset's world—that you would eventually see there wasn't a need for you to be so paranoid and preparing for the worst.

"I wanted for you to recognise that it was okay to just be a foal and let adults take care of these sorts of things." Almost all of the horror and disappointment was gone now, replaced by a bitter-tinged sadness. "Instead, events seemed to conspire to force you to continue to escalate, creating more and more dangerous spells as you yourself began to crack..."

"Aunt Twilight, I—"

She silenced me by nuzzling the top of my head and focusing on her positive feelings for me. "I've seen Blueblood's report on the spell you saved the train with, along with Starlight's recreation of the array," she whispered. "You're so talented, Anon; not only are you talented enough to almost perfectly recreate a top-level blacklisted spell from scratch, but you were able to cast it."

She released me from the hug, but continue to hold me out just far enough for me to be able to look up and meet her gaze. "I hate that your talents are being wasted creating weapons of war and destruction," Twilight tearfully said. "You once mentioned a pony in your old world... <>, whose research into <> energy resulted in his greatest legacy being a weapon capable of killing hundreds of thousands in the blink of an eye. I don't want that to be your legacy as well, Anon."

Whatever I was gonna say died in my throat at that. In my first week in Ponyville, when I still wasn't sure if I could trust Twilight and Starlight, I was concerned that I could be being groomed to be Equestria's Oppenheimer. Even when I was in what Twilight proclaimed Sunset's world, I had to remind myself that I shouldn't become exactly that—that anything I made should be strictly for self defence. Even stretching the definition to include ensuring the safety of my loved ones, there came a point where what I'd made crossed from defence to offence.

She's right, I realized with mounting horror. Ever since my visit to the other world, after getting jumped by Lightning Dust, I'd entered into what was effectively arms race against myself. I'd pigheadedly decided that if I was ever going to get into another fight, I would never let myself be hurt again again. My frustrations had only inspired me to find creative new ways to nearly burn my magic out with. By the time I'd recovered from the rail-gun incident, hadn't Starlight said that my reservoir had grown to be on par with the average adult unicorn?

The cost was pretty high... Not only had I allowed myself to slip into a mindset that let Hunger get its hooks into me, I'd committed acts that were, while arguably justifiable, ultimately atrocities. While I was more than happy to stray from Harmony's influence, I'd also begun straying from the guiding tenets that Twilight had been trying to teach me—I'd all but turned away from everything Twilight and her friends represented.

I'd perverted my kindness into a wicked blade of cruelty, violently killing all of Emerald Flicker's abusers to ensure they would never hurt anypony again. There was no laughter or untainted joy to be wrought from my actions; even just in defending myself, I'd put the fear of me into ponies who cared for my friends. Without even realising it, I'd determined lying and manipulating ponies—even if it was mostly just enemies—to be effective tools. I'd greedily seized on whatever options I could to separate me from Emerald and give her a better life... I'd been disloyal to everything Twilight had taught me.

"I... I don't want that to be my legacy either, Aunt Twilight," I croaked. Why do I suddenly feel so cold? "I want to be... Even if I'm not really a pony anymore, I want to be a pony Emerald can look up to... That you all can be proud of..." Who put all this water in my eyes? I sniffled and looked away from her. "I don't want to be a bad pony..."

~ 46 ~

It took a while for me to calm down. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cried—ugly crying, at that. The sun was in the process of rising by the time she got me to calm down. What finally got me cooled off was a discussion of how we were going to redirect my magical education. It was clear to Twilight now that, in the mental state I was in, any self-directed study and innovation would likely only end in the creation of yet more dangerous spells.

Instead, if I was to learn by doing, I would need to have a guideline other than simply telling me what not to create. Instead, she was going to assign me projects, and I would have twenty-three days from the date the project was assigned to tackle the objective or puzzle provided. On the twenty-fourth day, I would present my findings to Twilight, and we would discuss them together. Although my assessment would not be based entirely on whether I created a working spell, if I could, it would certainly reflect better.

The process was mostly designed around the idea of redirecting my focus away from the destructive capabilities of magic. That said, she revealed that Sunset had shared what I'd said to her that time at the firing range, how I said would rather create my own spells from scratch rather than look things up and adapting them. Apparently, while my creative drive was admirable, that sort of thinking would inevitably stifle my progress. She wanted me to seek out other perspectives, and if necessary accept ideas from outside sources.

She wanted to wait until after I'd begun seeing the therapist in the Crystal Empire, and settled back in down in Ponyville before she gave me my first assignment. That said, I argued that I needed something productive to do here. Although I'd tried avoiding doing homework up until the Friendship Festival's original date, I'd still ultimately done it all and even had it mailed back to Cheerilee the day before the invasion. If Ponyville had at all been caught up, who knew when I'd next have homework from her. That meant it was the only busywork I could keep myself occupied when I wasn't keeping Emerald company when she arrived later today.

No sooner than Twilight agreed and provided my first topic—a telekinesis substitute, of all things—did a frazzled looking Natural Talent enter the room. "I apologise for the disturbance, Your Highness," the pink-maned maid apologised in an anxious voice. "I went to rouse Lady Anonymous and ready her for the morning meal, but she was not in her room and none of the guardsponies on shift have seen her." I slowly peered over Twilight's back at the distraught maid. "Have you perchance seen the Young Miss, or should I rai—"

The moment Talent's eyes met mine, probably gleaming eerily in the early-morning light, her jaw dropped. "Sorry about that, Talent," Twilight quickly interjected as she dismissed the privacy bubble. "It completely escaped my mind to leave a note before I brought her to my room. Between her request to not be alone, and everything that happened at and after dinner, it barely even registered."

Smoothing out her mane with her magic, the maid returned her attention to Twilight for a moment. "Shall I take her off your hooves while you and Sir Spike prepare for breakfast?" She looked back to me. "Or are you still uncomfortable without either being nearby?"

That was something I needed to consider. Twilight and Spike couldn't stay by my side 24/7, and even when Emerald and Starlight arrived, I'd still have times where I'd be separated... Yesterday, I'd dismissed the idea almost immediately that I'd feel safe with just one of the maids, and then just hours later, Refined Skill had come to my defence and tossed that Apocrita bug out of my room. The twin mares were probably the first ponies to really get to know me... my first teachers... Friends, even.

I gave my forelimb a sniff, and I caught the slight tinge of perspiration close to the thinner chitin near the joint. Evidently, I'd worked myself quite a bit last night. "I trust you and your sister both to keep me safe," I answered, carefully hopping over Twilight. It was a stupid gesture... she probably smelled like me now if I'd spent the night snuggled up against her. Safety is more than just the physical aspect... "Any idea where my glasses went?"

She nodded as I hopped quietly down onto the marble floor. "They're back in your room." When I joined her at her side, Talent turned, and I followed close beside her. I was definitely feeling a smidgen more confident than I was yesterday, even walking around with my bugness on display. When we reached the door to my assigned chambers, she asked, "Shall we fetch your glasses first so that you can resume your usual appearance? Or would you prefer to bathe first?"

"Definitely bathing," I replied, flicking my tail, watching an armoured pegasus take over for one of the bat-winged nighttime guards. "I was practising flying last night, but I guess I wore myself out, because I never got to get cleaned up."

At that, she led me through the labyrinthine halls of the castle. At this time of morning, it was surprisingly lively. Usually, I was left to rest until around eight, and usually things had calmed down a little bit, by that time. Instead, there were members of castle staff changing out flowers and water in the decorative vases, maids dusting places that dust may have settled overnight, and it even appeared that there were some butler types delivering breakfast to those not invited to the princesses' dining room.

Surprisingly, the baths were neither in use by anyone else, nor were they closed for cleaning. That said, as soon as we entered, I could still pick up the overpowering presence of Thorax's pheromones caught up in the steam. Even as I strolled right up to one of the shower nooks, I waved a hoof in front of my face and commented, "Someone on staff really needs to ask the changelings what cleaning products remove our pheromones." I glanced over my shoulder to her while I waited for the shower to heat up. "If something's not done soon, some visiting bug is gonna think anyone that has bathed here belongs to Thorax."

I managed to somehow not give voice to the dislike to the 'reformed' changelings that Désirée apparently tried to impart on me. That said, as I stepped under the steaming hot stream, a small part of my mind screamed that I should replace his scent with my own. Since this castle is my sometimes home, why shouldn't I mark all who come here as mine? Why let the traitor lay claim?

"I shall bring the matter up at the next castle staff meeting," she commented. Now free of her uniform, she joined me at the nook and began levitating the shower-head around to get spots that I could not easily reach. A few bottles of mane and coat shampoos levitated over. "Do you have any preferred scent for today?"

I quickly transformed into my original earth pony appearance and shut my eyes. No point in shampooing in my bug form if I was gonna transform anyway. "Lavender, please."

~ 46 ~

Not long after my cleansing, I went to soak in the large heated baths. There was yet time before breakfast, so I decided to relax a bit. It totally didn't have anything to do with leaving my bug smells in the water out of spite. Nope. In the meantime, I'd sent Natural Talent off to find out when Starlight's transport was scheduled to arrive, and to then return with my glasses. Why send her off when I didn't feel comfortable being alone? Well, I didn't exactly expect I'd get jumped in the bath.

When it sounded like somepony had come into the room, I hopped out of the bath, expecting the maid to have returned. Their emotional presence was pretty muted, so I didn't really expect it to be anyone else. Instead, when I made my way out of the lingering steam cloud, I was met not with the stoic expression of Talent, but a squawk of surprise followed by a flood of anger and revulsion from none other than Rainbow Dash.

I nearly fell of my face as I scrambled to back away from her. After all, there was a reason there were signs that proclaimed 'No Running' at public pools. Wet floors were no joke. "Ah... Um, good morning, Rainbow Dash."

Even without my glasses on, or squinting my eyes, I could see her narrow her eyes. "Anon," she said in a terse voice. "Applejack and Rarity seem to have bought that Hunger monster's admission of using you, so maybe you are a victim in all this." She sounded angry at having to admit it. "But I've seen and heard what you've done. You're a killer, and a changeling now, too!"

I nodded, trying to ignore the tightness in my throat. "And?"

As expected of the world's fastest living pegasus, she was snout to snout with me in the blink of an eye. "It means you can't be trusted!" she snarled, poking me hard in the chest with the tip of her hoof. "They all might be coming around, but all of my senses are screaming that the girls—the Cutie Mark Crusaders especially—need to be protected from you. Everypony knows you're cracking, and you've done some monstrous things."

A startling feeling of cold calm washed over me right then. I recognised it immediately, as it was the same sort of calm I had felt when I'd found out from Emerald that Starlight had been taken by Raging Storm. Except, that wasn't the only thing about that calm I recognised... It evoked the vision of myself up a clock tower, rope around my neck. That scared me more than Rainbow did.

With barely a thought, I transmuted an earth conjuration spell onto the bottom of my hoof. I fed mana through it, as I held it up, and a nasty looking obsidian knife manifested atop my hoof. Rainbow Dash was so shocked, that she didn't even resist when I grabbed her still extended hoof. She looked down in horror as I placed the blade—easily as long as my foreleg—atop her hoof.

I could feel her fear as I clasped gripped her hoof with mine and guided the tip of the blade to my throat. "Maybe you're right," I said in a lifeless voice. "I am dangerous, and I am cracking, Dash. Maybe you'll even be doing the world a favour." I met her eyes and gave her a sad smile. "If this is what you think needs to be done to protect everypony from me, then so be it."

My gaze hardened, and my grip on both the blade and her hoof grew tighter. I could feel the tip of it on the verge of piercing my skin. "Just remember that it'll be up to you to explain to everypony—especially my sisters and the girls—why I needed to die." Rainbow Dash's anger had all but vanished, replaced entirely by a curtain of terror. "And remember, killing me won't change the number of killers in the room—only the number of people alive."

For what felt like hours, we stood there. Her eyes told me clearly that she wished to be anywhere but right there with me. Meanwhile I stared her unblinkingly in the eye, daring her to just get it over with. "It's what you want, isn't it?" I goaded, unintentionally slipping into her voice. "You wanna protect everypony from the deranged little changeling who only ever killed to protect others, or herself... How loyal and honourable..."

Just as the smell of piss hit my nostrils, I heard a voice that had quickly grown to be familiar shout. "What in the world is going on here?" There was also the sound of a magic discharge, and I felt the obsidian blade disintegrate between our hooves. An instant later, a pair of ponies in golden armour rushed over and separated the two of us. Well, one grabbed me, and the other tackled Dash. "Is this really what a national hero does?"

As I looked from Rainbow Dash to the guards and then to Tempest Shadow, whose horn was still sparking, my mind snapped out of whatever deadly calm had overtaken me. What the fuck was I thinking!? If I made her kill me... I'd be leaving Emerald behind... after I promised her... My haemolymph went cold when I realised that I'd just tried to get myself killed. Even while the guard started dragging me away from Dash, I went limp as I tried to keep myself from having a panic attack.

It seemed like Dash was in shock too, but that didn't stop Tempest from looming over her. "Do you seriously believe that filly is a danger to anypony right now?" she demanded, gesturing at me with her hoof. "Look at her! I've seen the aftermath of what she did to an airship, and the discussion I've had with Princess Twilight just now has painted a frankly terrifying picture of what her magic is capable of. If she wanted to, she could probably have decimated my forces by her self before she could be contained.

"Instead, when I threatened that city if she surrender herself to my forces, this selfless little fool turned herself in without a fight," Tempest explained, casting me an angry glance. "Even when the crew of the ship she turned herself in to reported she was being tailed by the Royal Guard who wished to intercept her... Ponies clearly didn't want her to go, but she did it anyway." Once the guard was sure Dash wasn't about to try anything, Tempest helped her back to her hooves. "Anonymous is no saint, but she doesn't deserve to be treated like a villain. If she's a threat to anypony right now, it is herself."

She didn't address me at all, even though she probably had all sorts of things she wanted to hurl at me. I could feel the pity, sorrow, and revulsion roiling off of her. Instead, she turned to the door just as Natural Talent returned. "You may wish to take Anonymous to a castle physician before she is fed," the battle-hardened unicorn instructed in a strained voice. "I'm not a doctor, but I've seen my share of soldiers with battle fatigue who were holding themselves together better than she is, and if she's not put on some sort of mood stabilizer soon, she might very well succeed the next time."

Only one of the guards followed behind Tempest as she started to exit the baths. The other was still holding me, tightly against her breastplate. I think she was in shock too, because it didn't seem to register that the pony she was supposed to be escorting or keeping an eye on had just left. I had to wonder just how much Tempest and her escort had actually heard.

Looking from my limp form to the guardsmare, and then Rainbow Dash, Natural Talent let out a sigh. For just a moment, I thought I saw her stoic facade crack. "What exactly did Anon attempt, Rainbow Dash?" she demanded in an angry tone. She was probably wondering what had happened that required me to be restrained. "Tell me!"

Author's Note

It's all upwards from here, folks.