Diaries of the Anonymous Filly

"While ponies all around cheered and celebrated, there was one pony who did not share in their merriment. The others, having not known her long, might have mistaken it for fatigue, but to Princess Celestia, Twilight's dejection was as clear as her day. 'Why so glum, my faithful student?' the princess asked her unicorn student. 'Are you not happy that your quest is complete and you can return to your studies in Canterlot?'

All around me, foals sat in rapt attention. There were actually more than when we started, and they all begged me to keep going straight through lunch. "'That's just it,' Twilight answered as she looked up to her mentor. 'Just when I learned how wonderful it is to have friends, I have to leave them.'"

I paused to sip a glass of water that I filled several times throughout the sitting. Although I was by no means a stranger to reading to foals, this felt different... more impactful. "Princess Celestia looked upon her pupil with both pity and pride. Turning to the young drake, she spoke. 'Spike, take a note, please. I, Princess Celestia, hereby decree that the unicorn Twilight Sparkle shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville.' she announced with a playful tone.

"Twilight's new friends gathered around and cheered. 'Oh thank you, Princess Celestia! I'll study harder than ever before!'" I concluded with a smile. Closing the book, I looked around to all of the foals. Most of them were excited, but some were almost asleep as I set aside the finished book. In fact, I'm pretty sure Chrysalis was just as asleep as the pile of foals atop her. "The end."

Even as several of the foals around me let out cheers, I caught sight of Tender Reach in the doorway, leaning against the doorjamb. Her emotions were well-guarded, but I could see the appraising look she was giving me, as well as the way her eyes flicked to Chryssi and then Ms. Gentle. When our eyes met, I felt a bit of trepidation, but rather than let it show, I instead nodded to the mare. After a few moments a small smile crossed her face.

Just as Chrysalis cracked open her eye to side-eye the boss lady, Tender Reach clapped her hooves together. "Alright everypony," she called out with a bit of a laugh. "I know many of you skipped lunch for this unplanned exhibition, so all of you should head over to the cafeteria. Carnelian Crock has kept his soup of the day warm for you all." Almost like they were all a single entity, many of the foals rose at once—even those formerly clinging to the elder bug—and started to move for the door. "BUT!" That call froze all the foals. "What do we say to Anonymous?"

Unlike the act of rising, none of the foals could unify for one answer. Some of the more polite ones got out a 'Thank you, Anonymous!' Others were more straightforward with their 'Thanks for the story!' Maybe the most visceral thanks came in the form of the little filly that started the whole thing—Caprice, I think—jumping up to hug me, sending me sprawling off the chair. Funny enough, I think it was the near glow the little crystal pony exuded. She seemed much shinier and vivid, practically bouncing off the walls with joy. "That was so cool! Ms. Chryssi never did anything like that for us, but can all changelings do that?"

Before she could gab my ear off, I was rescued by the pegasus librarian, who ushered the little one off of me and out of the library. That left me, Chrysalis and the boss lady in the empty library. "I'm impressed," Tender stated as she watched me brush myself off. While I did that, my senior in shapeshifting started to stretch in almost catlike fashion. "I honestly expected that it'd take you longer to take any sort of initiative in helping out. At the very least, I expected a few days." With her magic, the mare smoothed out my mane and straightened my lanyard. "Instead, I hear you've already volunteered as a teacher's assistant for mathematics classes, and you took initiative to brighten up the foals' day by saving story time. In the future, though, maybe don't have the foals miss lunch."

That actually got a chuckle out of the former queen. "Your daughter might be a bit jealous, Tender." Strolling over to stand near the door, she said, "At the very least, she might ask Anon for help when it comes to those books based on her guardian's past. The foals enjoyed the authenticity knowing their voices gave the story." Her eyes barely moved, but I could feel the subtle shift in her gaze. Although I could not read her emotions, I thought I caught frustration in her gaze, but there was something else. "It was an... adequate performance."

With a smile, Tender shook her head and started leading us out of the room. "I know you still blame her, but it wouldn't kill you to compliment the filly," she shot back to Chrysalis as we started walking through the halls. "In fact, why don't the two of you take an hour for lunch so the two of you can talk for a bit. After that, the two of you can accompany Sweet Leaf and Gale on a little outing to the field; I want all of the foals to burn off as much energy as possible before the new foals from Manehattan arrive."

I stumbled upon hearing those words. Shaking my head, I realised that she would have known about this transfer for some time... It was likely that it may have even been arranged shortly after my punishment was laid forth. Was it possible that these were foals that I had orphaned, either indirectly by getting mobsters to turn themselves in, or directly by killing a parent?

I'd done everything I could to dehumanise—deequinise, rather—the eighteen lives I took in Manehattan. Raging Storm and the ones that had been part of Emmy's abuse were easy to think of as less than pony because of what they were. The seven that refused to yield... it wasn't as easy to reduce them down to being monsters, even if they were complicit... Yet still they may have had families. Any one of them could have been a single father... or the mothers may have been arrested as well, resulting in the foals having to be separated for their safety.

That must be the real punishment... I must face those I have orphaned...

At that realisation, I froze in my tracks. Although I couldn't see the matron's expression, I could feel just enough from her to catch... satisfaction? It wasn't smug, but it was there. Even Chrysalis noticed, but said nothing. Why would she be satisfied by that though? I wondered. Have I been too stoic? Was she satisfied because she got a reaction out of me? Or was she satisfied that I may have realised the true punishment?

~ 53 ~

The staff room was a pretty unassuming room, crystalline superstructure notwithstanding. There were a few sofas, various cushions, low tables, and even a kitchenette. It was pretty much everything anyone could ask for in a break room. I think the only thing missing was a foosball table. No shit, I even caught sight of some scotch and tequila tucked away behind some stuff on the counter. Kinda reminded me of one of the common areas in a hostel I'd stayed in.

Tempest wasn't staff, but I honestly expected that she might demand access in order to do her job. Instead, as Chrysalis led me in, she merely took up position beside the door. Then again, maybe she intended to enforce some privacy, or take her own break. In either case, it was evident that she had more faith that the bug of questionable reformation wasn't about to throttle me.

As the bug had me take a seat at one of the low tables, she made her way over to the counter, upon which sat two bowls of some sort of stew. Though she moved past, poking her head into the fridge, her moth antennae nonetheless lit with a green aura and she levitated the bowls and some spoons over. When she closed the fridge, she was levitating two mason jars full of swirling pink.

Love? But I thought Cadance only learned from Thorax after I was changed, I mused as she set one of the jars down in front of me. Seemingly ignoring the vegetable stew with a thick, gravy-like stock, she opened her own jar and began to drink in the contained love. She seemed to relax as she drained the jar, but fixed me with a questioning look when I didn't immediately the one she provided me.

"Where...?" I began to ask, unsure if I actually wanted the answer to the question.

"Does your mind not already know?" she asked in an almost mocking tone. "Surely you must have some inkling of how I could keep a supply of love here... or was the Goddess mistaken in putting all of her faith in you?"

Despite the almost insulting way she spoke to me, there was something about the pheromones she was emitting that gave me the impression that she was challenging me—challenging my knowledge. "That creepy doctor, Apocrita, wrote in Biologia Mutabilis that infiltrators often collected and condensed love to ship back to hive, and everything she crammed into my head would indicate that there's some sort of biomagical process," I offered, removing my vest and transforming into the small human shape I'd used previously, earning a look of surprise from the bug. Resting one elbow on the table and propping my head up on my hand, I used my free hand to casually scoop up some of the stew. Blowing on it slightly, despite it not being steaming hot. "Are you condensing all the positive emotions directed at you, as well as ambient love and storing it for when you don't need to directly feed?"

Although the bug seemed enraptured by the fluidity of motion, seemingly recognising how natural using this shape was to me, she shook her head. "I don't have that same need to feed that you do... not any more," was her response as a shiver wracked her body. "But yes, I condense love and store it for when I need it. Here, it is so freely given that I can go without passively feeding at all."

I flicked my eyes away from her. "Wish I could do that... Turn off the empathy and the passive feed at will," I murmured before popping a big chunk of potato into my mouth. It got a startled look from her, but rather than rush the conversation, I quietly ate a few more spoonfuls. As I ate, I noticed her posture change. Her wings twitched ever so slightly, and her antennae stood more erect. "Would've kept me from nearly dying one of the shittiest deaths a changeling could back in Canterlot."

Losing my appetite, I placed my spoon down beside the bowl, I couldn't quite stop a shiver. "So much fear and hate from the invasion..." Another shiver wracked my body, and before I knew it, I'd reverted back to my natural form. Wrapping my forelimbs around my body, my voice hitched as I spoke. "It was so bad I was leaking liquid hate..."

Just thinking about that time frame, I could feel a cold spreading throughout my body... It took a moment of reflection, but I realised that it was the makings of that same vulnerability and edge that had clouded my thoughts and unbalanced me to the point that I nearly got myself killed. Was that the effect of that neurological need not being fulfilled? But I just fed a few days ago... The memories say I should be good for up to two weeks...

The next time I blinked, I found that Chrysalis was standing over me. Forcibly, she lifted my chin so I'd meet her gaze. "When is the last time you fed on anything other than extracted love, Anonymous?" she demanded, a slight tinge of something in her voice. "If you're going to be working at Second Chance, I can't have you losing control around the foals." More quietly, she muttered, "I dare say the Goddess of the Swarm intends for me to mentor you so that you live long enough to achieve whatever end she has in store for you."

It was futile to keep myself from flinching away from her. Before I could even parse what was happening, I was no longer in the staff room. No, I was back in that cavern she'd spirited me away to, all that time ago... In my mind, my chitin was replaced by my coat, and she was no longer a fluffy moth horse. I could hear her threatening me again...

"For the same reason you wanted to kill your father, Anonymous," she crooned as her hole-ridden hoof trailed down the side of my face. "Starlight Glimmer took everything from me. My home... my children... my legacy. All of it is gone." Much to my surprise—and horror—she gently lifted me up and gave me a nuzzle. It would almost have been sweet if not for the vicious expression on her face. "What better way to get back at her than to start targeting the ponies she loves."

"Anonymous! Calm yourself!" Chrysalis—the real one—commanded in a tone that I felt compelled to obey, snapping me back to the present. Her antennae were aglow as she and Tempest held me still. I... When did she? What? Her gaze flicked to my body guard, and fixed her with an appreciative look. "Thank you for your assistance, Tempest Shadow. I nearly wasn't able to put a geas on her; whatever the Goddess did to Anonymous, her mental resistance is even more excessive than it was before."

A geas? That bitch! How dare she? In spite of the panic and rage at having a compulsion placed upon me, I found my breathing steadying and my heart rate slowing down to something approaching my normal baseline. I wanted to thrash in Tempest's hooves and succumb to the panic building in my head, but I simply wasn't being allowed to. All I could do was hang there limply. Why, though? You were supposed to be redeemed!

Much to my surprise, the moth horse lowered herself to my level, her antennae still wreathed in a green aura. "When last did you feed directly from a pony?" she demanded in a soft voice that was no less empowered than before.

Unable to refuse the compulsion, I finally answered completely honestly. "Several days ago. It was my first feeding," I spoke in a flat voice. I... Oh. She's not trying to hurt me. She's trying to help, but she needs answers. "The traitor assured Aunt Cadance I wouldn't be able to feed enough to cause harm, but he was mistaken. Were it not for Mom's intervention, I feel I may have drained her dry." The bug gave me a very strange look, even as Tempest's grip loosened. "My understanding was that I could go for weeks before mental degradation kicked in, so I did not seek further practice until I was sure she'd recovered."

Wait... did I just?

"I release you of your bond," the bug said with finality, her antennae no longer glowing. A few moments of silent staring was followed by the bug covering her face with a hoof. "Unbelievable," muttered Chrysalis in a tone of frustration and disappointment. "A grown queen can go weeks without feeding, and a drone can go months, but a queen nymph must feed every other day—even if it is just sampling emotions! It is why we became known for taking ponies in the dead of night."

Gonna be honest; I did not expect lunch break to turn into a small drama. "So what do I do?" I asked as Tempest set me back down on the cushion. "It's not like I can control myself yet, and if I feed on someone other than Aunt Cadance, I might hospitalise them. Pretty sure if I do that while I'm on probation, it's straight to Tartarus with me."

With a sigh, Chrysalis looked from me to my guardian. "You're going to have to feed off of me, but if you can't control yourself," she trailed off with a smirk spreading across her face. "When she starts feeding, smack her in the back of the head after thirty seconds. That should be more than enough to level her out."

~ 53 ~

I wish I could say the rest of the day was eventful, but if we're being real, the last four hours of the day were a real let-down. All I did was come up with a few ways to keep some fifty foals occupied for a couple of hours. It was mostly just an innocent elimination tournament featuring various games. A variation of red light, green light started them out. After that, a grand race followed, and then it was tied up with a game of elimination tag.

Once that was up, the foals capable of flying wanted to do their own thing. That, of course, meant that either me or Chrysalis had to keep an eye on them. Given that I wanted to get more practice flying in this form, I volunteered. Even though I was effectively a nobody foal charged with watching them, they didn't seem to mind all that much following me in a few loops above the area around the field, where we could stay in sight of the staff and Tempest at all times. Hell, I even shifted to my pegasus variant at one point when I needed to rest a bit by gliding.

The return to the orphanage went on without a hitch, although we were just in time to witness the intake of the new arrivals from Manehattan. I wanna say that I recognised any of them, even if just a hint of one of the ponies I killed in their faces or colourations... Part of me wanted it to be so, if for no other reason than so it would be easier for me to feel guilt over it. Yet there was no moment of recognition when I gazed upon them—no spark verification in my mind that said, "You did this to them."

That was a rather concerning thought. No, not that I thought that any of these children deserved to be orphaned. It'd just be easier for me to blame myself. The fact that I wanted to blame myself for their parents' lives of crime that ultimately led to their deaths was unhealthy, and I was mature enough to recognise that. Only the fact that I killed seven ponies tangentially complicit in the actions of the other eleven I killed was really something I should blame myself for, right?

Evidently, there's a lot to unpack with the therapist.

Once Tender Reach signed off on the time I'd spent volunteering, Tempest quietly led me back to the castle. It was on that journey that it occurred to me that she'd barely spoken since lunch. I had half a mind to ask her what was up, but I wasn't exactly sure I should pry. I liked her, but first and foremost, I was her charge.

For all I knew, she was feeling something similar to what I was, and I mean, could you blame her? She was a soldier for a tyrant and if I understood the procession of events correctly, she led the invasion at Mount Aris. Who knows how many hippogriffs met their ends because of the forces she led? How many foals did she personally orphan? Come to think of it, it's honestly kind of amazing that Queen Novo did not demand Tempest Shadow be handed over to face trial for crimes against her people.

Sure, Tempest was a soldier, and a force-commander at that, but did that really make it any easier to be confronted with the consequences of your dark deeds? Maybe this was forcing her to confront that, and maybe that too was part of her punishment. Like I said, though, it was hardly my place to question.

Besides, I had my own things to think about. Namely, I had to think about the interactions with Chrysalis over lunch, and what I'd said while under her geas. I called Twilight Mom, while under the allegedly reformed bug's power. When did I start thinking of Twilight as Mom? When did I stop thinking about Nemo Whitley's mother—I can't even remember his mother's name any more—as my own? For that matter, when did I begin seeing myself as separate?

With a quiet sigh, I shrugged and muttered, "Just another thing to unpack with the shrink."