No More Hoof Measures

If Twilight ever made it back home alive, she would have a very cross letter to write to the Equestrian Union of Laboratory Safety. It turns out that when your species never had a World War 1, you never bother to develop decent gas masks. All kinds of fucking deadly chemical gases were getting into her eyes and nose and it was making it very hard to steer. It’s not that hard to fly an airship, since it’s not exactly like you’re in danger of a traffic accident unless you make the very elementary mistake of aiming down instead of forwards, but it was still an extremely conspicuous mode of transportation, and with the dead bodies in the back sliding around like they were covered in olive oil, there was nothing under heaven that Twilight wanted less than to be noticed.

The gas was getting too much, she had to make a landing. She could still hear the sirens, but she was more likely to survive the pigs than the phosphine gas in her lungs. She slung Rainbow Dash’s comatose body over her back, teleported down to the ground, and watched as the ship made a hasty landing, which is to say crashed into a ditch. Let’s hope the crash destroyed either nothing or everything she thought. If the lab equipment was trashed but the bodies were recognizable, she was going to be piiiissed.

The sirens got louder. Rainbow Dash was still down for the count, resting peacefully on the soft spring grass while Twilight hacked and coughed so hard she sounded like a chicken bone in an activated blender and sweated so hard she matted her hair. It wouldn’t be enough to just teleport away. She had an entire airship full of evidence, hoofprints, illegal chemicals, and two dead stallions. Running away just meant she had to get arrested in front of all of Ponyville instead of right here. Panting hard and steeling her resolve, Twilight pondered over her best cop-killing spell and wondered how the hell she fucked up her life this badly. Then she remembered:

ONE WEEK EARLIER

“SURPRISE!!!!” Pinkie Pie jumped up and down and side to side and also forward and backward, knocking books off their shelves and destroying priceless ancient tomes. Everypony else followed suit in the cheering, but thankfully not in the property damage.

“Happy birthday Twilight! I hope we didn’t surprise you too hard. We didn’t mean to startle you.” Said Fluttershy, Fluttershily.

“Yeah, it’s not really a surprise when it’s the fourth year in a row, but I appreciate your concern for my nerves nevertheless.” Responded Twilight drily.

“Oh, good. That’s a relief.” Said Fluttershy.

“Well, don’t just stand out there, Twilight! Come in! It’s your house after all. Come in, have some cake! We got you presents!” said Rarity. All of that did indeed sound tantalizing to Twilight, and she was more than willing to leave behind her quiet mild annoyance at the repetitive nature of Pinkie’s “surprise” parties if it meant she got free shit from her friends. She and Fluttershy came inside, and she looked around at the decorations that her friends had thrown up while Fluttershy had taken her to see the baby ducks put on an ice-skating show. It had been a pretty mediocre performance. They kept falling over and the mother duck had to awkwardly waddle onto the frozen pond to help them back up every single time. The musical number was great though.

As she greeted the various ponies who had shown up, Twilight zeroed in on the cake. Pinkie Pie must have made it herself. It was large and purple, with three red candles, and written in icing on the higher of the two deckers was the number “30”. Twilight paused.

“Hey Pinkie?”

“Yuh-huh?”

“Why does it say 30 on the cake?”

“Because it’s your birthday silly! You turn 30 today!” Twilight could have sworn she heard glass breaking, but no one else seemed to notice. That couldn’t be right, she couldn’t be 30, right? She was… Uh…. How old was she? Last birthday she was twenty… something. She couldn’t possibly be that old.

“SPIKE!” yelled Twilight. Spike showed up before Twilight even closed her mouth.

“Yes ma’am!”

“Go get me my datebook.”

“Okay but it’s still empty. You haven’t gone on any dates.”

“No, the other date book. The yellow one, at the bottom of the stack on my nightstand.” Spike hurriedly did as he was told, and Twilight uncomfortably flipped through the book while the guests at her party quietly watched.

“Oh shit.” She said.

“What is it, Twilight?” said Applejack.

“It’s true! I am thirty! I thought I was way younger! I thought I was in my early twenties or something! I thought Rarity was the only one in her thirties!”

“Twilight, I’m twenty-three…” said Rarity.

“WHAT‽ YOU’RE THAT YOUNG‽ AM I THE OLDEST ONE HERE‽”

“Twilight, I have a sister in elementary school. I’m not in my thirties.”

“Oh, fuck me. Do you guys know what this means?”

“You can see R-rated movies?” said Pinkie Pie.

“You can run for senator?” said Fluttershy.

“You can rent pornography?” said Rainbow Dash.

“Can I change my answer?” said Pinkie Pie.

“NO! It means I’ve wasted my fucking life! I’m 30 years old and I don’t have a job, I don’t have a family! Look at me, I live in a library!”

“But Twilight,” Rarity protested, “you do have a job! You’re a royal scholar for Princess Celestia. You send her updates on your research every week!”

“That’s not a job, that’s homework! I don’t get paid for that. I pay tuition to her! Or rather, my rich captain-of-the-guard brother does! I don’t have any income. What have I been doing with my life! The whole thing is just going to pass me by, and I’ll die without having done anything great! Well, unless you count saving the world, but anyone can do that.”

“You’ll die? Twilight, what are you saying? You seem really upset. Did something happen? We thought you’d be happy. It’s a big day. We’re sorry if we did something to make you angry. We just wanted to throw you a party.” Said Fluttershy, on the verge of tears.

Twilight Sparkle sighed, “It’s fine, Fluttershy. I guess I’m just in a bad mood. It’s not your fault. I just need to get some food in me. Let’s cut that cake, huh?”

“But what did you mean when you said you were going to die? You’re only 30, you’re not gonna die any time soon. You got plenty o’ time to do somethin’ great.” Said Applejack.

“It was nothing. I just said something stupid in the moment. Now how about that cake?” Said Twilight. Pinkie Pie was more than happy to end the awkwardness and oblige.

“You don’t have to tell me twice!” said Pinkie Pie, cutting the cake with wild abandon and handing out plates to everypony.

“I did tell you twice.” Said Twilight.

“Did you?”

The party went smoother from that point on. The cake was decent, Rarity got her a gorgeous new jacket, and the attendees were quick to forget Twilight’s angry outburst and have a good time, and talk about more light-hearted things. Particularly, a lot of people were gathering around Applejack, who had quite an interesting story to tell.

“After DJ Pon-3’s tragic overdose last week, Princess Celestia’s set up a task force to deal with the growing crystal meth epidemic in Equestria, and she put me and Bic Macintosh in charge of the whole thing! We have a forensics lab, bulletproof vests, badges, guns, the whole nine yards. I tell y’all, we’ll bust all the dealers in Equestria before the year is out. That’s your tax dollars at work.”

“Wow! It’s going that well? That’s great news! I’m glad something’s being done about that. I don’t know where they’re getting it from, but my animals keep getting into that stuff. I think Angel is selling it to them, but I don’t know where he gets it from.” Said Fluttershy.

“Yeah, we can’t tell you why, state secrets and all, but it really is going well! In fact, tomorrow we’re doing a raid on a meth lab right here in Ponyville. If you wanna come along and watch us bust a bad guy, you’re welcome to come along, Fluttershy!”

“Oh, my. I couldn’t. I really respect what you do, but I wouldn’t be able to handle something that dangerous, even if I’m sure I’d be safe with you along. I don’t do well in those environments.”

“I reckoned you’d say that, but I thought it’d be polite to ask you anyway. Just in case.”

“Hey, Applejack.” Said Twilight, “If Fluttershy’s not coming along, I’d be happy to. I’d love to see a drug bust in action. It would be a good break from reading and writing all day.”

“Sure thing, Twilight! Don’t worry, you won’t be in any danger, you’ll just watch us do the raid from the family wagon. And don’t worry about me and big Mac neither, we’re trained for this kinda thing.”

Applejack was true to her word, and the next morning Twilight rode out with her and Big Macintosh into an unexpectedly affluent corner of Ponyville, and watched intently as the two of them, together with some royal guards, barged into a suburban household and pulled out a scrawny green earth stallion, who flailed wildly as they wrestled him into the ground and hogtied his legs. As he yelled something at them about being in the middle of something, Twilight’s eyes couldn’t help but notice a second story window opening in her peripheral vision. She stared in utter disbelief as Rainbow Dash crawled out of the window and leapt out, taking flight into the early morning sky. Twilight looked around. No one else seemed to have noticed it. They had been too busy reading the earth pony his rights.

It didn’t take long before the guards had completed their raid, and carted out pallets of chemical equipment, along with plenty of meth, and a large metal safe that they cracked open with a crowbar, spilling thousands of priceless gems and jewels out onto the grass.

“Hey, that’s mine! That money was a gift from my aunt, don’t take that!” screamed the earth pony.

“Oh yeah?” said Applejack, “was all that meth from your aunt too? What about all that red phosphorous and pseudoephedrine? Birthday presents I’m guessing? Come on, perp. What’s your name?”

“I’m not telling anypony anything!” he said.

Big Macintosh ruffled through a bag in one of the evidence carts and came out with an ID, which he showed to Applejack.

“Krazy-7 huh? What do you think Krazy one through six would think of your behavior, mister? Makin’ meth? I will admit, you made quite a pretty penny, but we’ll see how pretty your penny is in prison!”

“How much money is that, Applejack?” said Twilight Sparkle, enraptured by the sheer quantity and quality of the gemstones piled high on the lawn.

“Oh, I’d say about 900,000 bits. Give or take.”

“900,000 bits? Is that normal for a bust?”

“Oh yeah, for sure. Meth is a cash cow, especially ‘round these parts. It’s easy money. ‘Til you get caught that is.”

Twilight didn’t tell anyone that she saw Rainbow Dash, but she sure as hell didn’t forget it. That night, she took a visit to Rainbow Dash’s cloudominium.

Knock knock knock.

“I’m busy. Come back later!”

Knock knock knock. No response.

“Rainbow Dash, it’s me.”

Rainbow Dash creaked the door open and looked around shiftily.

“Listen, Twilight. It’s always good to see you, but this isn’t really a good time for me.”

“I’ll be quick.” Said Twilight, forcibly squeezing herself through the door and entering Rainbow Dash’s apartment.

“Uh, what’s up Twi?” said Rainbow Dash, nervously.

“I know you’re a meth dealer.” Rainbow Dash’s face went pale.

“W-what are you talking about?”

“I saw you, during Applejack’s raid.”

“You… you did?” Twilight nodded.

“I knew you sometimes hung with a bad crowd, but crystal meth? I never expected that. Don’t worry, nobody else knows. Applejack’s not gonna hear about this. I’m not going to snitch on my friend.”

“Listen, Twilight. If you came here to give me a spiel about giving myself up and being honest with my friends, and right livelihood and all that-“

“Not really, no”

“-I don’t really have time for a lecture. I gotta dump some evidence, and I gotta do it now. I promise I’ll stay out of the drug trade. I’ll get an honest job. But no speeches, okay?”

“How about a little speech. Your partner, Krazy-7. He got arrested. Feds took his lab, all his money. All your money. You’re back at square one. I’m sure you’ve got bills to pay. I do too. Flight school tuition doesn’t pay itself. But you’ve got no lab, and no cook. But you do have this: you know the business, and I know the science.”

“W-what? Twilight, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I think we should partner up. I cook, you sell. We split the profits.”

“You wanna cook crystal meth. You. What, are you crazy? You turn 30 and now you just wanna, break bad out of nowhere?”

“I wanna what?”

“What?”
“You said I was gonna break bad out of nowhere.”

“Yeah.”

“What does that mean. Break bad? I’ve never heard that phrase in my entire life. I think you made that up.”

“Okay, now that you mention it, that was an odd turn of phrase. I’m not sure if anyone says that. But you know what I meant, you’re suddenly super eager to, you know, do a bad thing. I’m not exactly proud about selling meth. What’s your motivation? Why would you want to get into the meth business?”

“Why are you in the meth business?”

“Money.”

“Well, there you go.”

“Nah, I know you better than that. This isn’t about money, Twilight. This is about your mid-life crisis, which, by the way, you’re having a little early. You’re a unicorn, Twilight. You live for like two hundred years. You’re not about to kick the bucket just because you’re 30. You were losing your mind at us at your birthday party, having a breakdown about having wasted your life. And now, one day later, you’re asking me to help you make meth. You’ll be over this in a week, Twilight. Don’t fuck up your life on a whim.”

“This isn’t a whim, Rainbow Dash. I’ve been careful and boring and…. nice, for my entire life. And where has it gotten me? I spent my entire youth without accomplishing anything. I don’t have a house. I don’t have a career. I’ve never made anything. I don’t have a family. I’ve never even had sex.” Rainbow Dash laughed uproariously.

“Oh, is that what this is about? GAYYYYYYY. Listen Twi, if you wanted to fuck me you didn’t need to try and cook crystal meth. You could have just asked for pity cunnilingus on your birthday. And on the very small off chance that you’re not a deeply closeted homosexual, I hope you know that Bic Macintosh will fuck anything for enough apple sauce and methadone.”

“WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP RAINBOW DASH. I’m not cooking meth for pussy. I have cancer. The doctor told me yesterday. I have another two years to live, at best, before I ‘kick the bucket’. So no, I don’t have plenty of time, and no, I didn’t come here to fuck you, I came here to blackmail you. I need money for my treatment, and I’m not leeching off my friends and family anymore. I’m not going to die a parasite. You and I are going to cook meth. You and I are going to sell meth. And if you don’t think so, I think Applejack would be very curious to know what I saw this morning.”

Rainbow Dash was quiet for a moment.

“Where is it?”

“What?”

“Where’s your cancer?”

“My lungs. The doctor said I had maybe a couple of years left with treatment, and mere months with no treatment.”

Rainbow Dash was quiet again for another moment, then sighed.

“I don’t suppose you have a replacement lab picked out?”

“Leave that to me. Just meet me at the library this Saturday. I know a place. I can get the materials. Just be there.”

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

“Please tell me that this,” Rainbow Dash gestured to the humongous airship directly behind the library, “is not how we’re getting to your ‘place’”.

“It’s not.”

“Thank you.”

“That is the place.”

“I hate you.”

“I know it’s counterintuitive but hear me out. I got this airship as a gift from the city a few years back, to advertise the city’s new literacy program.” The airship consisted of a large purple blimp above a pirate-ship-looking vessel connected to it by string. On the blimp was a large picture of a stack of books and the words “READING ROCKS”. Twilight continued,

“It has no windows, no one’s going to be inspecting it, and no one’s going to think it strange if we decide to take it for a spin. It’s a mobile meth lab. We can take it anywhere, cook at any time. And no one’s going to be suspicious about any weird steam or smells, it’s an airship. They run on benzene and powdered dragon souls, it’s not unusual. Come on inside, I’ll show you the lab.”

Rainbow Dash had low expectations, but the lab was gorgeous. It was a real professional job. Clean as a whistle, well-organized, chemicals stored and labeled clearly on shelves. It was very well done, albeit kind of small.

“Wow. I gotta say. It looks good.” Rainbow Dash looked around, “Where’d you get all this stuff?”

“I stole it from Canterlot laboratories. They’ve got everything and then some.”

“You stole it from Canterlot? How? How did you get away with it?”

“It’s very easy to steal when you can teleport. Trivially easy, really.”

“Wow. Respect. I gotta admit. You’ve really been working hard these past few days….” Rainbow Dash looked all around, “Where’s the pseudo? You’ve got all sorts of stuff here, but where’s the pseudo? How are we gonna cook without it?”

“We’re not using pseudoephedrine. It’s too hard to obtain. I thought of a new formula. We’re going to use this:” Twilight Sparkle removed a large jar from the wall and carefully unscrewed its lid. Rainbow Dash leaned in to peek at its contents.

“Liquid rainbow?” Rainbow Dash said in astonishment, “This stuff is super contraband!”

“Super contraband, but also super intoxicating, and chemically, it works just as well as a precursor in the reaction that produces amphetamine. It’ll make a product with a bigger kick, and it’s easier to come by than pseudoephedrine. Any rainbow is a source, and, in case I need to mention it, we have a pony who can produce rainbows on command. It’s perfect.”

“Damn, you really thought of everything. Hell yeah, Twilight! Yeah, science!”

Twilight and Rainbow Dash flew the airship out to a remote pasture outside of town and did their first cook. As they cooked, Twilight sang this song:

I’ll cook up methampetamine, stop sitting on my ass

I’ll pay for chemotherapy by cooking crystal glass

No additives, no chili powder, quality design

A high-quality product that will work as advertised

Watch as I work my crystal methgic

Phosphorous and methanol

Mix it all up with liquid rainbow

Bake in the oven, that’s all

Watch as I work my crystal methgic

Phosphorous and methanol

Mix it all up with liquid rainbow

Bake in the oven, that’s all

“Yo, holy shit, Twi! This ice, it’s insane! I’ve seen some pure meth in my time, but even compared to the purest meth I’ve seen this has gotta be like, at least 20% purer! You’re a fucking artist Twi! Everypony and their mother is gonna want a taste of this! We’re gonna be rich!”

Twilight Sparkle couldn’t hide her pride, and she nearly danced around the room with joy, but instead she simply smiled ear-to-ear and gave Rainbow Dash a brohoof.

“So, what now?” said Twilight.

“Now? Now, we find a buyer. I know just the guy.”

“Not Krazy-7 I hope.”

“I’ll do you one better. His brother, Krazy-8. He was our distributor, and Krazy-7’s kept his mouth shut, so the feds still don’t know about him. I promise you; he’ll be jumping for joy over this meth. The color might take some explaining though.”

“Yeah, I knew the liquid rainbow was gonna make it pink. I was a little worried about that. Pink meth might not sell so well among teenage foals, but you know what, it gives us a brand identity. Once a customer tries it, they’ll want the pink meth again next time. It’s good marketing. Anyway,” Twilight began lowering the airship back down to the ground, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Let me know what Krazy-8 says.”

Twilight slept like a stone that night, dreaming of gold and silver and jewels, and pink rock candy. In the morning, she sent Spike out on some all-day errand and waited by the door for Rainbow Dash to come. The moment she heard the knock on the door, she instantly opened it up.

“So, how’d i-. Oh, uh, hi. Nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.” Said the mystery pony, a stallion earth pony, dark green with an 8 of diamonds playing card as his cutie mark. “I’m gonna get straight down to business. I’m here with Rainbow Dash, I’m looking for a cook. Is that you?” Twilight nodded. “Well in that case allow me to introduce myself. My name is Krazy-8. I’m a drug dealer. I work with your friend Rainbow Dash. May I come in? Is your lab in here?”

“Actually it’s outside. It’s in the airship. Wanna come take a look?”

“Of course. Oh, by the way, I didn’t catch your name. What was it?”

Twilight didn’t want to give her real name. She blurted out the first pseudonym she could think of:

“It’s Glitter. Glitter Hawk Lips.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you Glitter Hawk Lips.” Krazy-8 took out a bag of her pink meth. “I’m a really big fan of your work.” The two of them headed into the lab. Krazy-8 whistled.

“Rainbow Dash wasn’t kidding. You’re a genius, Glitter. I’ll be more than happy to have a pony like you working for me.”

“You’ll buy my batch?”

“Are you kidding? I’ll buy your whole stock. You and I, we’ve got a deal.” The two of them shook hooves.

“Oh, you know what, you know who’d love to see this?” said Krazy-8, looking around, “my brother, Krazy-7.” Twilight’s heart nearly stopped.

“Oh, uh yeah. Ha ha. I heard what happened to him. It’s too bad he went to prison. I’d love to show him around.”

“You haven’t heard? He got out on bail, just yesterday. He’s just outside. I’ll go call him in. HEY SEVVIE!” Twilight’s heart started beating harder and harder.

Krazy-7 came inside along with a sweating Rainbow Dash, looked Twilight up and down, and said:

“I’ve seen this pony before. She was there when I was raided. She’s a fed.”

Fuck, thought Twilight.

“Oh, shit!” said Krazy-8, “are you sure?”

“Yep, definitely. That’s her cutie mark and everything. She was standing right there when I was arrested. I think she’s like, best friends with Applejack.”

“Welp,” said Krazy-8, “I guess we gotta kill her.”

“WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT” said Rainbow Dash, “KRAZY-8 WAIT A SECOND, THAT’S MY FRIEND, SHE’S COOL. I CAN VOUCH FOR HER. JUST, CALM DOWN FOR A SE-“ Krazy-7 bashed Rainbow Dash in the head with a boiling flask and she instantly collapsed unconscious. Krazy-8 raised a gun to Twilight’s muzzle.

“Wait wait wait, let’s talk about this!” said Twilight, “I can- I can teach you my recipe! You saw my meth, it’s excellent. I can teach you to make it, just, just leave me alive I promise! I’ll never say anything I’d be incriminated too, I’ll do anything, just don’t shoot!” The Krazies deliberated on this for a minute, then relented.

“Fine,” said Krazy-8, “show us how you cook your pink meth.”

“Absolutely, absolutely, yes sir.” Twilight said, her legs shaking. She hesitantly put on a gas mask and walked slowly over to the phosphorous, Krazy-7’s revolver still pushed firmly against her temple every step of the way.

“First, you take some potassium hydroxide in a big pot like this.”

“Uh huh.”

“Then, you get some phosphorous.”

“Alright.”

“And then you…” Twilight threw the phosphorous into the pot and immediately dived on top of Rainbow Dash’s unconscious body and teleported both of of them into the driver’s room, locking the door behind her and taking off into the sky. She heard the Krazies suffocate and choke on the phosphine gas in the room behind her, and she knew the phosphine gas was beginning to seep into the room with her and Dash. Hopefully it would be just enough to kill the right ponies.

Then all that shit at the beginning of the chapter happened. I hope you didn’t forget it. I’m not writing the same scene a second time.

She had hoped she’d make it further out of Ponyville than she ended up, so that she’d have a place to bury the bodies, and also so as not to douse her backyard in phosphine gas, but she didn’t make even make it out of city limits. The ship had landed in a ditch right outside the Everfree Forest. And those fucking sirens. Those pigs were fast; she’d give them that. She and Rainbow Dash were totally boned. It looked like the last two years of her life were gonna be spent in prison. Weeoo weeoo weeoo, the sirens blared. They were so loud, so high pitched, so annoying. Wait…

“WEEOOO WEEOOO WEEOOO!” said Pinkie Pie, merrily galloping towards the two of them. “THERE YOU ARE! Hi Twilight Sparkle! Hi Rainbow Dash! Need a hoof with your ship?”

“No, we’re good. Thank you. We were just taking the old ship out for a joy ride on this beautiful spring morning and well, Rainbow Dash insisted that she wanted to try landing the thing.”

“Oh, Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash? Hellooooo.”

“She’s taking a nap right now. Very exciting day.”

“Oh, that makes sense. Nice talking to you Twilight!”

“Thanks Pinkie. See you later!” Twilight didn’t do anything until she saw Pinkie vanish over the horizon, then she shook Rainbow Dash awake.

“Huh, what?” Rainbow Dash said groggily, rubbing her head with her front hooves, “What happened?”

“How good are you at burying bodies?” asked Twilight.