No More Hoof Measures

“You got the stuff, Glitter?” Twilight nodded, and handed over her neatly folded box of pink meth. Sunset Shimmer looked like a filly next to her two massive earth pony bodyguards, but everypony present looked at her tensely and warily as she took out a crystal, smashed it up with her hooves, and snorted it off the disgusting landfill dirt she was standing on.

“WOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!” she said, galloping in circles like a puppy about to go for a walk, “THAT KICKS LIKE A MULE WITH ITS BALLS WRAPPED IN DUCT TAPE! Keep bringing me that shit, Glitter, and we’re gonna make a hell of a lot of money together. OH SHIT YEAH! AH YEAH BITCH! LET’S FUCKING GOOO!” Sunset snorted up a little more meth, and then motioned to the bodyguard on her left to toss Twilight and Rainbow the burlap sack full of money. Sunset insisted vehemently that she would only pay in the form of burlap sacks with dollar signs on them. Twilight thought it was wildly irresponsible but something about Sunset’s demeanor told her that she wasn’t the type of pony people found it easy to say no to.

“Alright, pleasure doing business with you, Glitter!” she said.

“Yeah,” said the bodyguard on her right, “just remember who you’re working for!”

“What did you say?”

“I’m just saying. They better remember they’re working for you.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, well said. I agree! Yeah you ponies better remember who you’re working for!”

Rainbow finished counting the money, “It’s all there, Glitter. We’re good to go. See you next week Sunset!”

“Yeah, see you later! Oh, by the way.” Sunset began to change the topic, as she usually did when she was high on meth, “Anypony doing anything fun this weekend? I feel like I never see you guys outside of work.” Twilight and Rainbow Dash hesitated.

“Uh, we’re actually going to a party this Saturday.” Said Rainbow Dash, truthfully.

“Oh, that’s sick. You should bring some of your meth. It’ll be a big hit. How ‘bout you, No-Doze? Doing anything interesting?” Sunset Shimmer said, looking at the henchstallion to her left.

“You know it! Me and my girlfriend are going out to dinner on Sunday. We got an 8:30 reservation at Horsia!” Sunset’s smile immediately dropped.

“You…. Have a reservation at Horsia? You?”

“Yeah! My girlfriend knows the head chef. She got us a table. She says the apple almond cake is delicious.”

“Let me get this straight.” Said Sunset Shimmer, circling No-Doze, her lips shaking in anger, “The guy I pay to stand next to me while I buy meth, you can get a table at Horsia, the fanciest restaurant in the city? Meanwhile me, I’m the pony who fucking runs this city, and I can’t get a reservation. Help me wrap my head around this. Does that make sense? What about you Glitter, does that make sense to you?” Twilight said nothing.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Shimmer, I didn’t know it was a sore subject. I was just, you know, I was just uh…”

“You were just bragging to me. So what, you think you’re better than me? Is that what you think?”

“No, no, Sunset Shimmer, that’s not what I think at all. I don’t think I’m better than you.”

“Oh, so now you’re calling me a liar? You think I’M FUCKING LYING TO YOU? YOU’D DARE TO SAY THAT TO ME?”

“Sunset,” said Twilight, “let’s relax.” Sunset laughed.

“Relax. Glitter says to relax. Alright, I’m relaxed. I’m relaxed.” No-Doze breathed a sigh of relief. Then Sunset Shimmer bit his dick off.

Rainbow Dash screamed in shock as No-Doze collapsed to the ground in pain, writhing and wriggling all over the place, covering the lower half of his body in a mixture of blood and dirt as he involuntarily spasmed with pain. Sunset Shimmer pranced around him with his dick her in mouth watching him cry for a few circles, then held down his head to the ground with her hoof, keeping it still for a few seconds. Then she flashed her horn and teleported his severed dick into his left eye socket. He screamed uncontrollably as his retina was telefragged, some of his eye exploding out around his socket and all over his surroundings, and some of his eye getting shot back into his brain, pressed up against his brain by his flared pony glans, which was fit snugly into his skull’s eyehole. And if you thought that that was disturbing to read, it was ten times as disturbing to watch. Especially for Rainbow Dash, since some of his exploded cornea had landed on her nose.

Sunset Shimmer grinned wickedly as she kicked his collapsed body repeatedly, relishing his high-pitched banshee wailing. Then she repeatedly crushed his skull with her hooves until it resembled a blended peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT HORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!” she screamed, nearly reaching the same volume No-Doze had when he was still alive a few seconds ago.

Neither Twilight nor Rainbow Dash said or did anything.

“HA HA YEAH! WOOH! Alright, Glitter. Next week!” Sunset trotted away, leaving bloody hoofprints in her wake.

NEXT SATURDAY

“This cheese is to die for Rarity!” said Lyrica, “What is it called? I must purchase some for myself. It’s really quite delectable.”

“It’s called honey bee goat cheese. It’s not easy to get around here, but I always spring for the best cheese when I’m hosting a dinner party. I’m a lover of quality. I really think that- oh my, is that Twilight Sparkle? Excuse me for one second Lyrica.”

“Of course.”

Rarity put down her champagne glass and trotted over to Twilight.

“Twilight!” Rarity gave her a hug, “I’m so glad you could make it! I was worried you wouldn’t come! Did you just arrive? Here, try some of the champagne.”

“Thank you Rarity, I will. Sorry for being late, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.” Rarity nodded gravely,

“The cancer… I heard… Twilight, I am so sorry. If there’s anything you… If there’s anything at all you need from us, please remember that you can ask us for anything. We’re your friends, and we care about you. We’ll support you through this. We love you Twilight.”

“Thank you Rarity. Speaking of my friends, where’s Rainbow Dash?”

“Rainbow Dash? You just missed her. She arrived late as well. She said her introductions, and disappeared into Sweetie Belle’s room. She clearly hasn’t taken the news well… She seemed really upset, although she didn’t want to talk about it…”

“I’m gonna go talk to her.” Said Twilight, saying nothing else as she swiftly left up the stairs and knocked on Sweetie Belle’s door.

“Yeah?” said Sweetie Belle.

“Is Rainbow Dash there?” said Twilight. Sweetie Belle opened the door and Twilight went in, paying little mind to the filly.

“Rainbow Dash, we need to talk.” Said Twilight. Rainbow Dash looked withdrawn. She looked away from Twilight and didn’t speak.

“Yeah she hasn’t been very talkative today.” Said Sweetie Belle, “I don’t think she’s in a very sociable mood right now.”

“Sweetie Belle could you, could you leave us alone for a minute? I really really need to talk to Rainbow Dash, in private.” Said Twilight.

“It’s my room.” Said Sweetie Belle, “where am I supposed to go?”

“Why don’t you enjoy your sister’s party? Why don’t you try the cheese?”

“Why don’t you? And I’m lactose intolerant. I don’t like parties, I-“

“Sweetie Belle, here’s 100 bits. Go and hang out with your sister.”

“Yes ma’am!” said Sweetie Belle, absconding without further complaint. After she left, Twilight closed the door and turned Rainbow Dash’s head towards her.

“Rainbow Dash, we need to talk about Sunset Shimmer.”

“Oh we do, huh? Do we, Twilight? Why? She seemed like a perfectly fucking nice pony to me! OF COURSE WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SUNSET SHIMMER. I haven’t slept in two days, Twilight! She teleported a guy’s dick into his eye, for like, nothing! Every time we sell to her, we’re risking our own lives. We were right fucking there. We’re witnesses, Twilight. We’re loose ends! Right this very moment, she’s in some crack den, thinking, ‘yeah, they cook good meth, but can I trust them?’. What are we going to do when she decides ‘no’? What the FUCK are we going to do, Twilight?”

“She needs to go. We both know that she needs to go. There’s only two ways this ends. It’s either her or it’s us. Sunset needs to go.”

“So what, we just, off her? You wanna pick a fight with Mrs. A Serbian Film? Because I don’t. She’s a unicorn. And a powerful one at that. And she never goes anywhere without her bodyguards, her posse. How do you kill a pony like that, huh?”

“With this.” Said Twilight, removing a plastic baggie full of white powder.

“Cocaine?”

“No. Ricin. It’s a poison. Tasteless, odorless, extremely lethal in very small doses. It kills slowly, via symptoms indistinguishable from flu. All we need to do is get her to inhale, or eat, some of this, and we’re safe. She goes home. We go home. She dies. End of story.”

Rainbow Dash looked away from Twilight a few seconds,

“That’s it?” she said.

“That’s it. No trace. No evidence. No more Sunset.”

“…I’m in.” said Rainbow Dash, quietly, “how do we do it?”

“I have a plan,” said Twilight, “but I need you to help me with it for it to work. All we need to d-“ the door opened. Twilight scrambled to put away the ricin.

“Twilight? Can we come in?” said Rarity.

“No.” said Twilight, but Rarity and a string of other ponies were already in the room.

“Twilight, I know you want some alone time right now, and we understand that, but we wanted to talk to you about, well, treatment.” Said Applejack.

“This isn’t really a good time. Could you maybe come back later?”

“Please Twilight,” said Fluttershy, “we care about you. We want you to have the best cancer treatment available. But we know you don’t have health insurance, and well… If you need-“

“I’m fine, Fluttershy.” Said Twilight, “Don’t worry about me. Don’t pity me. I’ve already started treatment.”

“You have?” said Fluttershy, “Oh, that’s great news. Where?”

“The Princess Popcorn memorial hospital in Fillydelphia. I had my first consultation earlier this week, and next week I start chemo.”

“The Princess Popcorn memorial hospital?” said Rarity, “That’s incredible! That’s one of the best hospitals in Equestria! How did you afford it?”

“My money is my own business Rarity. Not yours.”

“Well jeez, Twilight. I didn’t know money was such a sore subject for you. But if you ever need help, just remember our doors are always open.”

“I don’t need help.” Said Twilight, “but I do need to talk to Rainbow Dash. So if you wouldn’t mind, I-“

“Oh my look who it is!” said Rarity, her eye catching something outside of the door, “Sunseeeet! Sunset Darling! Come on in here, I want you to meet somebody! Sunset, this is one of my best friends, Twilight Sparkle. Twilight, this is Sunset Shimmer, a friend of mine from Canterlot!” As she walked through the door, Sunset’s eyes met Twilight’s and grew as large of dinner plates. Twilight’s followed suit. Rainbow Dash tried to jump under the bed but failed, and hit her head against the wooden bedframe, causing her to cry out in pain.

“Rainbow Dash! Are you alright?” said Fluttershy.

“Oh, you know,” said Rainbow Dash, grimacing in pain, “I’m alright. I just uh, thought I saw a coin on the ground there. Excuse me for one second.” Rainbow Dash tried to dash out of the room, but Sunset blocked her.

“Hi! You must be Rainbow Dash! Rarity told me about you. It’s nice to finally meet you in person. My name is Sunset Shimmer.”

“Hi.” Said Rainbow Dash. Sunset Shimmer went in for an uncomfortably long and touchy hug. Sunset looked at Twilight dead in the eye while she caressed Rainbow Dash’s back.

“Well, it was great meeting you, Sunset, but I really should go now. I’ve got to, um, I have a thing with, uh… I just gotta go!”

“Well you can’t leave now, Rainbow Dash!” said Rarity.

“Well why not?”

“Because we haven’t even served dinner yet!”

DINNER

“And so now I have to go to ‘anger management training’, whatever that is.” Said Suri. The table laughed heartily.

“Great dinner Rarity!” said Derpy Hooves, tucking into her second helping of roasted carrot stew. The dinner was great, but Twilight wouldn’t know. She hadn’t touched her food. Any food would taste like ash in her mouth at a time like this. It was a living nightmare. She was here. Somehow or other, she was right fucking there, at the table, chatting with the other guests. Sunset Shimmer knew her name now, and there were many, many other things that Twilight didn’t want her to find out.

“Hey!” said Twilight, attempting a jovial tone, “does anypony feel like some more champagne?”

“I do!” said Sunset, enthusiastically.

“Sunset, that’s your fifth glass of champagne today!” said Rarity, “Don’t you think you should maybe slow down?” Sunset’s eyes sunk back into her skull until she resembled a lich, and she stared with blank contempt at Rarity, until Rainbow Dash intervened.

“Hey, come on Rarity, it’s a party. What’s a few extra glasses of champagne?” she said.

“I agree Rainbow Dash. I’ll go get some more champagne from the kitchen!” said Twilight.

“I’ll come with!”

As Twilight poured champagne, she spoke in hushed tones with Rainbow Dash.

“It has to be now. It can’t be later; it has to be now. Sooner or later, she’s going to find out about Applejack’s latest job, or squeal about OUR latest job, or maybe she’ll just kill someone for fun. We’re not safe, and our friends are not safe, until she’s dead.” Twilight removed the ricin and poured some very carefully into a champagne glass, and stirred it.

“Remember, this glass is for sunset. If someone else drinks it, they die. If she doesn’t drink it, she lives. Either way, we’re fucked. So she NEEDS to drink it.” Rainbow Dash gulped and nodded. Each of them took a few glasses and brought them to the table, passing them out one at a time, pony by pony.

Sunset Shimmer picked up her glass to take a sip, but before it touched her lips she was interrupted by a tink tink tink as Rarity clinked a carrot against her glass.

“I’d like to thank everypony for coming out today. Especially my best friends, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack. I know we’ve had some tragic news lately, and we’re all worried about the future, but just for tonight, I want our minds to only be on the magic of friendship. Aaaaand…” she continued, her smile growing, “mayyyybe not just tonight! Because next week I’m taking the five of you out for dinner at the fanciest restaurant in Ponyville!” Wild cheers from Applejack and Pinkie Pie.

“Oh, Rarity!” said Fluttershy, “you can’t mean-“

“I don’t mean!” said Rarity, “I nice! And that’s why I’m taking you out for dinner at Horsia!” The table applauded, minus three.

“Congratulations,” said Sunset, sweating profusely, “very nice. Very impressive.”

“Thank you, Sunset! I had to make a lot of phone calls to get a reservation there, you know.”

“Hey Rarity.” Said Sunset.

“Yes?”

“Does this champagne look a little funny to you?” Twilight’s heart stopped.

“It looks fine to me.” Said Rarity.

“Why don’t you take a closer look.” Rarity leaned in and Sunset Shimmer smashed the glass against her face, spilling champagne and broken glass all over the floor. Rarity screamed, and the rest of the room followed suit, as she began bleeding from her face.

“I’ll be right back.” Said Sunset Shimmer calmly, leaving the room in the ensuing bedlam as everypony swarmed around Rarity. Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked at each other, and Twilight desperately tried to think up a plan, but mere seconds later Sunset was back in the room.

“EVERYPONY SHUT THE FUCK UP. HOOVES IN THE AIR.” She screamed. Twilight couldn’t even begin to guess where she had gotten it from in the few seconds she was gone, but she was holding a flamethrower with her front legs.

“Woah woah woah, Sunset! Let’s talk about this!” said Rainbow Dash, running up in front of the table.

“I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Sunset Shimmer balanced the flame thrower with her left front leg as she removed a bag of pink meth with her right. Then she removed a copious quantity and snorted it off the ground.

“WOOOOOH! TIGHT, TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT! FUCK YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” she said. The party’s guests, including now Rainbow Dash, were utterly silent, although Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle were softly crying. “You know what that shit is? That’s the Glitter Hawk Lips premium. No one makes it like her. Too bad she’s gotta die, along with everyone else in this room.”

“Sunset…” Rarity said, shakily standing up, Fluttershy wiping blood off her face (and not doing a very good job because she couldn’t bear to look at it, so she was mostly guessing), “w-what is this all about?”

“What is this about? WHAT IS THIS ABOUT‽ You know exactly what this is about, Rarity. You invite me over to your house, brag to me about your cheese, you invite my own meth cook! And then you have the GALL to invite YOUR friends to Horsia! A table for SIX PONIES at Horsia? Who’d you suck off to get that, huh? Well that’s the difference between you and me, Rarity. I DON’T SUCK OFF NO ONE. ESPECIALLY NOT YOU. I- hold on. This meth needs a little cocaine.” Sunset Shimmer took out a different bag and did two lines on the ground before continuing.

“OOOOH YEEEAAHHH! Where was I?” she said.

“Sucking off.” Said Derpy.

“Right! Thank you! YOU’RE NOT FUCKING BETTER THAN ME. I’M BETTER THAN YOU. I’M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU. IF ANYONE DESERVES A TABLE AT HORSIA IT’S ME! I RUN THE METH CITY IN THIS BUSINESS, I MEAN THE METH BUSINESS IN THIS CITY. AND NOW THAT YOU KNOW, YOU ALL GOTTA DIE. YOU’RE GONNA DIE. YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE TODAY!” Sunset snorted a little more meth.

Suri tried to bolt out the door. Sunset exploded her head with her mind. Her blood flew all over the place, landing in the champagne and splattering over everypony. Chunks of skull and brain were in Twilight’s mane. Sweetie Belle and Fluttershy were no longer the only ponies crying.

“I’m going to burn this house down with a flamethrower!” she said, her eyes bulging erratically, “I’m going to kill Rarity, I’m going to kill Glitter, then I’m going to kill the rest of you lot, and then I’m going to kill myself! Because I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! I AM A GOD! I AM YOUR GOD! Hold on, I need some heroin.” The only sounds in the room were heavy breathing and desperate sobbing as Sunset put a belt around her leg and injected herself with some black tar heroin.

“You’re all gonna… you’re gonna… it’ gosfoasaaaaaaaa…” Sunset said. And then she died.

“Is she…” Fluttershy squeaked weakly, “you know?” Applejack slowly and carefully walked over to the body and checked her pulse.

“She’s dead.” The room breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well.” Said Rarity, trying to regain her composure, “I think, that it would be for the best, if we all went home now.”

“Hold on a second there.” Said Applejack, “I don’t know about y’all, but I heard something rather interesting in Sunset’s ramblings. Before she died, she said that this meth,” Applejack picked up the baggie of pink meth, “was manufactured by a mare named Glitter Hawk Lips, and that she was in this room!” Applejack turned and faced the string of ponies before her.

“Sunset Shimmer wasn’t the only drug dealer at this party. Someone here manufactured that meth. And I intend to find out who. Two ponies are dead today because of drugs. I hate to make today any worse for y’all, but I can’t let them get away with it. Everypony line up so I can see y’all.” They all did as they were told.

“Spike, take a note. Our suspects are all the mares in this room, and that includes me, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Sweetie Belle, Photo Finish, Suri Polomare, Coco Pommel, Lyrica Lilac, Cherry Jubilee, Thistle Whistle, Cheerilee, and Derpy Hooves. All of you are suspects in the manufacture and distribution of illegal methamphetamine, under the name Glitter Hawk Lips.”