No More Hoof Measures

“-to confirm that yes, Canterlot Laboratories is under federal investigation by the Task Force for Enforcing Narcotics Prohibition in Equestria. We are working in complete collaboration with law enforcement officials, and are doing absolutely everything we can to assist them in finding out just what happened. Not I nor any other pony in the senior leadership of Canterlot Laboratories had any idea of what was going on. We offer our sincerest condolences to all of the ponies who have had their lives torn apart by methamphetamine. We promise you that the task force will find the ponies responsible, and bring them to justice.”

Bud Dryer was usually good at press conferences. He was a ponies pony (that’s the Equestrian version of a people person). This particular press conference, however, felt like pulling his own teeth out. It was humiliating. And it was never supposed to happen. This was the speech he was supposed to never have to give.

“Pencil Vania, Canterlot Herald.” Said Pencil Vania of the Canterlot Herald, “You continue to deny your involvement in Derpy Hooves’ methamphetamine ring, but reports from the Canterlot Auditor General show major discrepancies in the budget reports that you signed and, in some cases, that you personally wrote. If you weren’t aware of the chemical shipments illegally leaving your laboratory, why did you repeatedly cover for these expenses?”

“I did not write those budget reports.” Bud Dryer lied. “I did indeed sign them, but I did not check the math. If there were discrepancies in accounting, I didn’t know about it. Call it negligence, but I did not make any attempt to ‘cover up’ missing chemicals. These accusations against me are totally baseless, not to mention politically motivated. Canterlot Laboratories has long been the target of shameless political opportunists from Canterlot’s corrupt bureaucracy. They are exploiting this crisis for personal gain, by attempting to assassinate my character, and the reputation of the Canterlot scientific community. Next question.” Bud was sweating profusely. This felt like it was taking forever, and he had only answered the first question.

“Hailstorm, Cloudsdale Chronicle. If you go to prison, who’s going to take your place as director of Canterlot Laboratories?”

“I’m not going to prison,” Bud Dryer said matter-of-factly, “but after the conclusion of my post, Doctor Morningstar will take over as the director of Canterlot Laboratories. This illegal witch hunt has thankfully left him unsullied, and so I hope that he will not be subjected to the same injustice as myself and some of the other innocent members of our city. I have faith that he will treat the position with the same level of respect and integrity that I did. But I assure you, I won’t be going to prison.” Two questions were good enough, Bud Dryer thought to himself. It was a good enough segue into what he came here to do. “Ms. Crimson has some envelopes. Ms. Crimson, if you would?” Bud Dryer carried the three envelopes out of Ms. Crimson’s mouth with telekinesis. He gave the first two to a security guard. “This one is for my wife. This one is for Doctor Morningstar. Thank you.”

This was the speech he was supposed to never have to give. Derpy Hooves was so careful. Back in the day, when somepony got suspicious about budget reports or inventory numbers or contradictory shipping information, somepony would come over and straighten things out, one way or another. For years, things ran so smoothly. So few ponies were in the know, so much money was coming in, and the money was all so cheap. But now Derpy Hooves was dead. There was nopony left to take care of things, to seal in the little cracks, to prevent molehills from becoming mountains. Derpy would have known what to do. She would have had a plan. That cunt Magic Palm had nothing, except poor dental hygiene. Now the dream was over, and there was only one thing left to do. He opened up the third envelope.

“Please leave the room if this will affect you.” He said. Then he removed the gun from the envelope and shot himself.

Rainbow Dash woke up in jail. This is always a negative experience, but it’s much worse when one doesn’t remember falling asleep in jail. Rainbow Dash’s first ten seconds of consciousness sucked, to put it plainly. Her head throbbed with pain, her mouth was incredibly dry, she was groggy, her vision was blurry, the light coming in through the tall thin window was extremely bright, it looked it like was early afternoon, and her body felt totally sapped of energy. The cell was drab. Less drab than a jail cell on Earth, mind you, but still very drab by pony standards. Despite the unusual circumstances, Rainbow Dash began her morning the same way she began every morning, by trying to obtain coffee.

After a brief overview of her cell, Rainbow Dash deduced that it had no coffee machine. She laid her head back down, moaned, and then came up with a second plan to get coffee.

“COFFEE!” she yelled.

“Comin’ up.” Said Applejack. Good old Applejack. She was always eager to help a friend out. OH SHIT.

Rainbow Dash would have jumped out of bed in realization, but she really didn’t want to move. She was in custody, which meant that she got licked, and Applejack knew. She was going to be convicted for cooking meth and go to prison, and Twilight probably was too.

“I got your coffee.” Applejack opened up the cell with her hooves, carefully balancing the paper cup of coffee on top of her muzzle, and placed it in front of Rainbow Dash, who was laying loaf-style on her blanketless bed, so that she did not need to get up to start sipping the coffee. She blew on it to cool it down, but it seemed it was already the perfect temperature. Applejack had put in plenty of milk and sugar, just the way Rainbow Dash liked it.

“So,” Applejack said, as Rainbow Dash sipped her coffee, “you given any more thought to what we talked about last night?” Rainbow Dash laid there dumbfounded.

“…what?”

“You given it any more thought?”

Rainbow Dash stared blankly, then took another sip of coffee, then continued to stare blankly.

“Dammit.” Said Applejack. “You don’t remember anything, do you?” Rainbow Dash shook her head. Applejack sighed. “Okay, the long and the short of it is that I know you used to cook meth for Derpy Hooves, and I know that Twilight is still cookin’, although I don’t know for who.” This was a very threatening thing to hear from a friend who just got you coffee. “There’s a lot I wanna talk to you about.” Rainbow Dash was terrified, but she didn’t stop drinking her coffee.

“Can I have a water too?” she said.

“Of course.” Applejack continued to talk even after she moved out of sight to fetch a glass of water. “Last night they picked you up tryna buy oxycontin off a pony you kept callin ‘Lil’ Bussin’’ or somethin’ like that. Too bad for you, his name wasn’t Lil’ Bussin’, it was Officer Ironhoof. I heard you were in custody and came to talk to you about Twilight. Somethin’ tells me things aren’t goin’ that well between you two. You ain’t been leavin’ your apartment much, you ain’t been talkin’ to nopony, and you ain’t been talkin’ to Twilight. I don’t know if you know this, Dash, but most ponies think you two were… well… you know… and that what was goin’ on now was a kind of uh… breakup? I thought that was what was goin’ on myself a long time. Too long a time. But I know what happened now.” Applejack struggled to keep a friendly tone for as long as she spoke, but now she dropped it altogether. “I know Twilight is Glitter Hawk Lips.”

The two of them were best friends, yet they faced each other as if they were strangers. Both of them were anxious, terrified that if they said the wrong thing everything would fall apart. Applejack showed little emotion, but Rainbow Dash knew her face well enough to tell that her eyes were unusually still, held in place by intention, almost as if she were paralyzed from the neck up. She chose her words carefully.

“Listen,” said Applejack, “I know that this wasn’t your idea. It was her. It always was. For almost a year she’s been cookin’ meth and gettin’ innocent ponies killed. She betrayed me, and it looks like she betrayed you too.”

Rainbow Dash kept her mouth shut, but she couldn’t stop her body from shaking. Applejack continued.

“I know she seems invincible Dash, but she’s not. She’s not above the law. We can take her down. Together.”

Rainbow Dash sipped her water.

“Rainbow Dash, sooner or later you and Twilight are both goin’ to prison. You both broke the law, you both hid the truth from us, and I know that probably tears you up inside. But only one of you has blood on her hooves. I won’t lie to protect you, Dash. I couldn’t do it. But I still don’t hate you, Rainbow Dash. I don’t want revenge on you. I want revenge on the piece of shit who murdered my sister.”

“WHAT‽” Rainbow Dash spilled water over the bed.

“She poisoned Applebloom, a filly, just to manipulate her friends. She did it instead of turnin’ herself in, instead of tellin’ us the truth. She abused your loyalty. She abused our friendship. She needs to face justice.”

“NO! NO! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Twilight didn’t kill Applebloom, Derpy did! I know she did! I-I can’t tell you how I know, but I know! You don’t know my side of the story, you don’t know anything! Shut up! You don’t know Twilight!”

“I know enough.” Applejack snapped. “I know more than you seem to think I do, and I promise you, if you think the past is never gonna catch up with y’all then you’re dead wrong. She’ll go down alone or y’all’ll go down together, I’ll make sure of it. If you want to keep battin’ for a murderous meth cook above your loved ones, go ahead. You’ll die in prison alongside her. She doesn’t care about you, Rainbow Dash. She only cares about herself.”

“You don’t understand-“

“I hear yelling over there, is she awake? Are you talking to her? Get out of my way!” Trixie barged in, panting. “Good, you’re up. Don’t tell her anything, you’re free to go. You were free to go last night but you passed out. Don’t talk to my client! Out out out!” Trixie had been dozing off in the waiting room, and had been woken up by Rainbow Dash’s outburst. She dragged Rainbow Dash out of the jail and into the streets of the outskirts of Ponyville where the town’s singular jail sat.

“What did she say to you? What did you say to her?” Trixie said frantically as soon as they were far enough away. She didn’t stop moving, nor did she allow Rainbow Dash to stop moving.

“She knows Twilight’s Glitter, and she knows I worked with her.”

“That’s old news.” Trixie said. “Twilight knows she knows. You didn’t confess anything, did you? You know that’s why she wants to talk to you. She wants proof. She wants it real bad.”

“I pretty much didn’t say anything the whole time.”

“Pretty much?”

“I asked for a coffee and a glass of water.”

“That’s my girl.” Rainbow Dash didn’t mention the bit about Applebloom. It didn’t seem like the kind of thing to mention.

“Where are we going?”

“My office. We’re gonna do that thing we talked about yesterday.”

“What did we talk about yesterday?” This line stopped Trixie in her tracks, albeit not for long. She sighed.

“You really need to stop drinking.”

Twilight hoped that shopping for a refrigerator wouldn’t be considered suspicious behavior. At the very least, she doubted it would hold up in court. In any case, she was already formulating an excuse for what happened to her previous fridge, since somepony was bound to ask at some point. The obvious answer was that it broke, and she had to throw it away, but what if they ask where? She could say she didn’t know, but that would be a little suspicious. Twilight wasn’t the kind of pony to forget where she threw away a fridge. And if she chose a random dumpster, they might check it, find no fridge, and get suspicious. It was probably not a big deal, but you could never be too careful. You never knew what kind of things might get brought up in court and make your whole story fall apart.

She ought to have bought a new refrigerator a week ago, but she’d been weak from the chemotherapy. It hit hard, then it slowly relented, and if she wanted to get anything done, she had to do it in the days before a chemo appointment, since she’d be out of commission the days after it. Since she buried her fridge, she’d just been eating out, which was probably good, since it meant plenty of witnesses seeing her engaged in normal, unsuspicious behavior. That might turn out helpful, right?

She didn’t necessarily have to bury her fridge, but again, the chemotherapy. She was feeling like death and she needed to hide her money ASAP, so she didn’t bother unscrewing the door. She didn’t even disconnect it from the fridge. She just had Trixie teleport the whole thing out and bury it along with the crawl space money, which Trixie had put into big metal drums. Presumably, Snips and Snails or one of the other ponies Trixie had on her payroll did the actual burying. That was less than ideal, since that meant there were ponies besides Twilight who knew where the money was, but it’s not like she could have done the job herself, since she was far too physically unfit to do any digging. Plus she never knew when she might be tailed. Task force ponies could always be watching. It was best to delegate as much as possible.

With the money gone and the lab cleaned of all evidence, the worst-case scenarios were now significantly less likely, but the feelings of anxiety and rushedness had yet to dissipate. She couldn’t stop thinking about Rainbow Dash. She was almost certainly never going to see her again. Today was the day she was supposed to disappear.

“But how fast is their running speed?”

“It’s not great, but they have vehicles to move around.”

“Like planes?”

“Sometimes, yeah. They use cars and buses more often, though. Planes are kind of a rare thing unless you’re a pilot for a living.”

“Interesting.”

Rainbow Dash was flicking through the brochure Trixie gave her. It was very large, but nevertheless seemed extremely cursory and surface-level. She supposed it must be difficult to advertise an entire dimension in any sort of concise way.

“Tell me more about planes.” She said. They only had a very brief mention in the brochure, but Rainbow Dash found them to be an intensely captivating concept.

“I don’t know anything else about planes, sorry. I don’t know anything I didn’t read in that brochure. Look at this. What are these? Hoof trimmers? You’re not gonna have hooves!” Trixie was rummaging through Rainbow Dash’s luggage. She’d packed pretty much at random. She had no idea what she would need. She didn’t even know what she needed now.

Rainbow Dash wanted to tell Trixie that she didn’t want to do this, but she didn’t. She couldn’t bother. She didn’t want to do anything else either. For a long time now, reality had felt like a malaise, a poison, a miasma. The longer she stayed in it the more painful it was. Existence itself was something scary, totally unfaceable. Rainbow Dash didn’t want to leave her life, but she didn’t want to stay in it either. She didn’t want to be present in her own life. She didn’t want to exist at all. It didn’t really make a difference to her whether she lost her body, her home, and her connections. Those things didn’t matter to her anymore. Every day felt exactly the same, her apartment felt like a prison, she didn’t talk to her friends anymore. She didn’t have anything to talk to them about. She didn’t live in the same world as them. She didn’t think that she ever would again. Every day she woke up, drank, smoked, took pills, ate food she didn’t enjoy, and tried to distract herself from the fact that she was a living, self-aware being. Sometimes she lacked the energy to sleep, sometimes she lacked the energy to eat, she almost always lacked the energy to think clearly about what she wanted. It was all too difficult. She didn’t want to do this, but she didn’t want to do anything else. She didn’t say any of this to Trixie. She didn’t know how.

“You can’t bring drugs or alcohol. You can get them in the other dimension, but don’t try and smuggle them in. The disappearer is really particular, she might not accept you if you carry around illegal stuff. It might compromise things.” After all the things Trixie had thrown out of Rainbow Dash’s luggage, she’d reduced her number of bags from three to two. Most of what she was bringing was money. It was very important.

“Okay.” Said Rainbow Dash. She didn’t care.

“That’s gonna include your weed too, Rainbow Dash.”

“Okay.” Rainbow Dash still didn’t do anything.

“I mean give me the weed you’re carrying on you.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Rainbow Dash lied. Trixie sighed. It looked like Rainbow Dash was gonna get away with it.

“Whatever. Just don’t try anything stupid with her. Show up, with all your stuff, at the abandoned cottage in the Everfree Forest, at exactly 5:12 PM. That’s when we agreed. After that it’s in her hooves. You have an idea where you want to live?”

“California.” Said Rainbow Dash. “It looks warm.”

“Great.” Said Trixie. “I assume you get a choice in that. It’s your life after all. If not you can always move.”

Rainbow Dash thought about California. Maybe it would be nicer there. After all, she never killed anypony in California. Maybe all her pain was in Ponyville, and if she left, she would leave it behind. It was a nice thought, even if she didn’t really believe it. Besides, California had beaches. Beaches were nice. It had been a very long time since Rainbow Dash had gone to the beach. It had been a long time since she’d gone anywhere, not for fun. Maybe she’d start living a life where she went places, and did things. Maybe she’d feel like she really belonged there, instead of feeling like an intruder. Maybe she’d hang out with friends, make art, laugh at jokes, go to nice restaurants, spend time at the beach. It was a nice thought, even if she didn’t really believe it.

Before she left, Trixie gave her a hug. It made Rainbow Dash want to cry, but she didn’t.

Rainbow Dash was very early. 45 minutes early. That’s a lot of time to spend standing still in a forest. Rainbow Dash hated being alone with her thoughts more than anything else. She desperately wanted the mysterious disappearer to arrive. She wanted another face and name to be there. She wanted to be distracted. But she wouldn’t be here for a while. Rainbow Dash looked at the trees. They looked pretty, but she could only look once. She couldn’t keep their prettiness inside of her. She couldn’t be happy just from pleasure. It came, and then it went away, and the world was empty again. Rainbow Dash wished she was high.

She had her weed, but she didn’t have her grinder or rolling papers or anything of the sort. Actually… Actually she didn’t have her weed. It wasn’t on her anymore. She had her cigarettes, but her weed was gone. She must have dropped it. Unless somepony had taken it from her of course.

Rainbow Dash left five minutes later.

The door swung open so violently that it knocked Trixie’s shot glass over before she could pour vodka into it.

“Did you forget something? What are you doing back he-“ Rainbow Dash clocked Trixie in the face so hard that she crashed onto the floor.

“Wha-“ Rainbow Dash sent another hoof flying into her jaw. Blood came out of her mouth.

“STOP! SNIPS! SNAILS! CODE RED! GET IN HERE!” The two guardponies did make it into the office, but not before Rainbow Dash pulled a gun,

“STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!” Rainbow Dash yelled at all three of them.

“WHAT’S HAPPENING? WHAT DID I DO?” Trixie screamed.

“YOU STOLE IT OFF OF ME! YOU TOOK IT OUT OF MY POCKET!”

“WOAH WOAH WOAH! CALM DOWN! YES, IT’S TRUE, I TOOK YOUR WEED, I TOLD YOU I COULDN’T RISK HER NOT TAKING YOU! YOU CAN HAVE IT BACK!”

“NO! BEFORE! THE CIGARETTE!” Rainbow Dash’s speech was cracked, forced. There were tears in her eyes. “THE RICIN CIGARETTE! YOU TOOK IT FROM ME AT SWEET APPLE ACRES! THAT FAKE FUCKING HUG! YOU SWIPED IT OFF OF ME FOR HER! AND ALL BECAUSE OF THAT PIECE OF SHIT TWILIGHT SPARKLE! SHE MURDERED APPLEBLOOM! SHE MURDERED APPLEBLOOM AND YOU HELPED HER! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!”

“Okay, c-calm down Rainbow Dash.”

“TELL ME ONE MORE FUCKING TIME TO CALM DOWN! I DARE YOU! TELL ME AGAIN TO CALM DOWN!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Yes, I took your cigarette, but Twilight made me! She forced me to do it, I didn’t know what it was for! You gotta believe me, I never would have done it if I’d known what she was gonna do! Please! I didn’t want any of this!”

The room was silent but for the sound of heavy breathing and whimpering for a long time. Much was said without anypony saying anything. Rainbow Dash never fired the gun, but she did take Twilight’s house keys from Trixie’s desk drawer before she left, saying nothing more except “BACK UP! DON’T MOVE!”

Twilight’s phone rang, but she declined. She was shopping for a refrigerator. If it was truly important, then whoever it was would send a text.

Gasoline, gasoline, make my world clean

Burn it all away, make it unseen

Drown my quiet dread, take me out of my head

Gasoline, gasoline, make my world clean

Rainbow Dash repeated this ode as she poured the gasoline. The floor, the bookshelves, the couch, all over the upstairs. It would be more than enough. The treehouse was made of wood after all. It would burn until it was reduced to nothing. Then it would only exist in memories.

Rainbow Dash lit a cigarette. She thought about death. She thought about Applebloom.

“RAINBOW DASH!” The voice was Applejack’s. She busted in with a gun pointed to Rainbow Dash. She had followed her from Trixie’s office. “STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOIN’ AND FACE ME!” Rainbow Dash faced her. She held her cigarette with a wing as she tried to speak. It was very difficult, and she found it took great effort to force out words.

“IT WAS HER! IT REALLY WAS HER! SHE… SHE KILLED APPLEBLOOM! SHE POISONED HER! A FILLY! SHE DID IT JUST TO… JUST AS A MOVE!” Tears were streaming down her face

“I know, Rainbow Dash. I know. Please, put out that cigarette. Just put it out. Don’t do this.”

Rainbow Dash began sobbing violently. So much so that for a while she couldn’t say anything. She just bawled and bawled.

“Rainbow Dash, I don’t wanna fight you. You don’t wanna fight me. Just put it out, and we’ll talk about this.”

Rainbow Dash couldn’t keep her eyes open as she yelled.

“SHE CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT!” Rainbow Dash took several messy deep breaths. “She can’t keep getting away with it!”

“She won’t. I promise you she won’t.” Applejack kept her gun up, but it was shaking. “If you wanna take her down, let’s do it together.”

Rainbow Dash crushed the cigarette. Applejack lowered her gun. Rainbow Dash leapt at Applejack, who instinctively flinched, but she didn’t attack her. She hugged her. She squeezed her so tight that Applejack could barely breathe, but she made no protest. She cried and cried and cried, matting Applejack’s fur with her tears. Soon, Applejack started to cry too. It was all she could do in that moment just to provide Rainbow Dash with a little relief. It had been so long since the two of them had shared an emotional moment like this. It had been a long time since they had truly felt like friends.

“Am I gonna go to prison?” Rainbow Dash said through her tears.

“Probably…” Said Applejack. She would’ve liked to lie to Rainbow Dash, but she never learned how. “I’m sorry.” Rainbow Dash didn’t ever want to let go of Applejack. There was nothing to look forward to in her future, nothing in life that really mattered to her, but nevertheless, just for a moment, she could take comfort in the embrace of somepony who loved her. Just for a moment, she could be free from the pain of being alive, and experience warmth, comfort, and compassion. She kept on crying even as Applejack carried her out of the library on her shoulders, and carried her to Sweet Apple Acres.

For dinner that evening, Applejack made soup. It was the best thing that Rainbow Dash had ever eaten.

“Now that’s a fridge.” Said Twilight. “You know, I’m glad I buried the old one. I can’t believe I ever lived with it. This one is so much better.”

“Twilight?” said Spike.

“A drink dispenser, an ice dispenser, a touch screen, a wine chiller, a built-in flash freezer. Yep, this is probably the smartest purchase I’ve ever made.”

“Twilight!”

“What?”

“Do you smell gas?”

“Spike, we don’t even use gas here. It’s a treehouse. We have a convectio- OH you mean gasoline! Yeah, I do smell it.”

Spike shot Twilight a look.

“Uh oh.” She said. She had been so distracted by her fridge she didn’t realize her floor was doused in gasoline.

“Don’t send any dragonfire messages.” She said. “I need to check my phone.”

Applejack woke up much later than she usually did, but Rainbow Dash was still asleep. She had gotten very little sleep the night before. She went to bed a lot later than usual, listening to everything Rainbow Dash had to tell her, and when she did try to sleep, she was tormented by awful thoughts and uneasy, yet short dreams. Truth be told, Applejack hadn’t been getting much good sleep at all for a long, long time. She had gotten used to powering through with very little sleep. Adrenaline provided her with energy.

Big Macintosh hadn’t slept at all. That was his way of doing things. He went for long periods without sleeping, then slept dreamlessly for hours and hours and hours. It wasn’t good for him, but he couldn’t stand being alone with his thoughts. He had to do things, all the time. He couldn’t stand to be in bed unless he could transition instantly into unconsciousness. He had spent most of the night compiling everything that Rainbow Dash had told them into files and written statements. When he’d finished with that, he walked to the Everfree Forest to retrieve the luggage that Rainbow Dash had left there. Nopony had told him to do it, but it felt like something that needed to be done. He brought a gun and a camera in case the mysterious disappearer were there, but she was a no-show. The luggage was right where Rainbow Dash said she left it. When Applejack woke up for the last time (her sleep was never uninterrupted), she could hear him putting Rainbow Dash’s things away in her room. She was sleeping in Applebloom’s old room. Applebloom’s possessions were still in there. Nopony at Sweet Apple Acres knew what to do with them.

“Aren’t you worried you’re gonna wake her up?” said Applejack.

“Nope.” Said Big Macintosh. Rainbow Dash hadn’t gone to sleep until 4 AM, but once she did, she was out like a light. Evidently she subscribed to Big Mac’s philosophy of sleep.

“Well,” said Applejack, “when she does wake up, I’ll make sure to be ready with some coffee.”

When Rainbow Dash did wake up, it was 1 PM. Applejack wasn’t sure what to feed her. It didn’t seem right to eat lunch food first thing in the morning. Rainbow Dash didn’t want to eat anything at all, but Applejack couldn’t let a friend stay at her house without something to eat, so eventually she just gave her an apple. Rainbow Dash chewed it slowly and thoughtlessly.

Applejack’s mind continued to race. It hadn’t stopped racing since the day before, even as she slept. Rainbow Dash had told her everything. Every piece of the story was like a puzzle piece fitting together. She and Big Mac had already worked out a broad overview of what had happened. They knew about Sunset Shimmer, they knew about Derpy Hooves and Minty, they knew about Cloudsdale, and they knew about their sister. Hearing about Krazy-8, Diamond Tiara, the ricin cigarette, the boxcutters, and Trixie, it was like the wool finally being pulled away from their eyes. So many things finally made sense. Applejack knew that Rainbow Dash hadn’t gone spelunking, but she couldn’t find the real explanation. She knew it was suspicious that Twilight and Rainbow Dash had both assumed poisoning deaths were ricin-related, but didn’t know why. In a way, hearing about everything that Twilight and Rainbow Dash had done was like a weight lifting off of her back, like the world finally making sense, the grand conspiracy revealed. Yet, the more she heard, the more she felt a horrible pit in her stomach, as she came to truly understand everything that had happened, all the ponies who had gotten hurt, all of Rainbow Dash’s guilt and pain and suffering. She could hardly bear it. But she had to. She had a mission. With a credible witness, all she needed was physical evidence, and Twilight would finally face justice for everything that she’d done, and for all the ponies that she had hurt.

“You still don’t have a good guess where the money is?”

“Like I told you, I have no idea.” Said Rainbow Dash. “Trixie might know, but you won’t get it out of her. The only thing I know is that it’s buried. And that doesn’t really narrow it down. There’s a lot of ground in Equestria.”

Applejack thought.

“Well, at the very least, there’s one pony who knows where it is for sure.”

Twilight Sparkle and Spike were spending the day in a hotel. She had hired a pony to clean up the gasoline, and he wasn’t gonna be finished until the afternoon. There were a lot of good reasons why she wanted to spend the day in a hotel. For starters, she didn’t want to spend a day with a stranger in her house regardless, and more importantly, she didn’t want to get set on fire, whether it was on purpose or by accident. She kept Spike in the dark on who exactly wanted to set her on fire and why, but he was not particularly curious. He was not at all surprised that somepony wanted her to burn.

Twilight was stressing the fuck out. She had brought a lot of books to the hotel with her, but she wasn’t reading them. Instead, she was walking back and forth in the hotel suite. It was a fancy room, so he had lots of space to pace. She felt like if she lost her concentration for a second she was going to die, like the universe was going to cease to exist at any moment. Rainbow Dash knew she killed Applebloom. It was over. She needed to do something, but she had no idea what. Truthfully, she had no earthly idea of what the fuck her plan was. She had no plan. She was in a hotel room, walking back and forth, and if she stopped doing this, she died. That was as far as she could analyze the situation. The worst part was that she knew it was going to get worse. It wouldn’t get better; it could only get worse. She was just waiting for it. Eventually, her phone dinged, and the waiting finally paid off. It had gotten worse.

The new text wasn’t from Trixie. It was from Rainbow Dash. It was a picture. She had found the money.

“SPIKE! STAY HERE DON’T LEAVE!” is all Twilight said to Spike before she ran out of the hotel, her cellphone tightly nestled in her ear.

“Noticed the gasoline in your treehouse?” Rainbow Dash said over the phone. “It was me. I figured it out, Twilight. I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”

“Rainbow Dash-“

“I was gonna burn your whole fucking house to the ground. But I thought of a better idea. I know something you care about a whole lot more than your house. I’m gonna burn your money. The money you made by torturing me, and lying to me. Your blood money’s gonna go up in flames!”

“NO! RAINBOW DASH! NO! Listen to me! Think about what you’re doing! You-you-you…”

“If you hang up the phone I’m burning the whole pile right now.” Said Rainbow Dash.

Twilight Sparkle stuttered, but didn’t say anything coherent. She was running while texting Crusoe.

“Get over here now. Bring weapons.” She texted him. Beneath that message she sent coordinates.

“Rainbow Dash, we can split the money! We can take it and disappear! We can do anything that we want! If you destroy the money you destroy our futures! You destroy your future!”

“Here’s wad number one going up in flames! Ha ha!”

“NOOOO! Rainbow Dash I’m sorry about Applebloom, she wasn’t supposed to die! She needed to be sick, Derpy was gonna kill us! It’s not my fault! Listen to me!”

“I’m done listening to you. I’ve been done for a long fucking time. This time you’re gonna listen to me. Every five minutes I’m gonna burn another ten thousand bits. Better get over here fast if you wanna-“

The signal cut out.

“Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash! I didn’t hang up, that wasn’t me! Hello?”

Twilight’s lungs were burning, but she didn’t care. The money was more important. When she finally reached the spot, she collapsed onto the ground. She was panting hard. This was it. This was where the money was. But there was nopony there. The ground was unbroken. Maybe Trixie had buried it somewhere else, or maybe-

Shit.

Twilight frantically dialed Crusoe.

“It’s off. Nevermind. Ignore my text.” She didn’t let him finish saying anything before she hung up. She threw the phone on the ground and smashed it to pieces. It wouldn’t do much good now, but it was better than nothing.

Twilight Sparkle collapsed back to the ground and did not get up. There was no point. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Big Macintosh were running up. They slowed down as they approached. Twilight knew she couldn’t outrun Rainbow Dash. She doubted she could run any more at all.

“Twilight Sparkle,” said Applejack, her voice carrying a hint of pride that masked her sorrow, “you are under arrest for the manufacture and distribution of methamphetamine, first- and second-degree murder, and money laundering.” Applejack calmly walked over to Twilight and cuffed her legs. Big Macintosh looked at Twilight coldly from a distance. Rainbow Dash couldn’t look her in the eye. Twilight looked only at Rainbow Dash.

“Traitor.” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash still didn’t look at her.

“Ya like the pic we made?” Applejack said. “We took it in our backyard. The money is Rainbow Dash’s. I was worried the soil wouldn’t match up, but it looks like you didn’t notice.”

Twilight still looked only at Rainbow Dash.

“You’re goin’ back to Ponyville with me. We’ll get some members of the task force to come over here with some metal detectors and find the money. It won’t take ‘em too long. We got some good diggers, don’t we Big Mac?”

“Yep.”

“You ratted me out.” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash still did not look at her.

“Shut up.” Said Big Macintosh.

Rainbow Dash tried to relax. She knew Twilight was all talk, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that even though she was in cuffs, she was still somehow gonna get out of it. Her anxiety was the reason that she was the first to notice the caravan of ponies coming from the distance.

“What in tarnation?” said Applejack.

“No… no no no no no no no…” said Rainbow Dash.

“CRUSOSE! CRUSOE GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! IT’S OFF!” shouted Twilight Sparkle.

Applejack just stared at the approaching figures.

“Hey!” she said. “Who are y’all?”

As they got closer, Applejack could make out that they were carrying guns. She pulled out her own and crouched down.

“Freeze! Don’t come any closer!” She yelled. Big Macintosh pulled out a gun of his own. They didn’t stop their advance. There were seven of them in total, all earth ponies. The one in the front looked older, and his cutie mark was… oh sweet Celestia.

“FREEZE!”

“CRUSOE!”

“FREEZE!”

“CRUSOE!”

They just kept walking closer. Applejack and Twilight’s protests were entirely ignored. As they grew closer and closer, gripping their guns in their mouths, the tension in the air grew. Applejack and Big Macintosh narrowed their eyes and aimed their guns.

Rainbow Dash panicked, and took off into the sky. Immediately Magic Palm and his string began to fire off a hail of bullets. Big Mac and Applejack returned fire. Twilight, who was stuck cuffed on the ground, furiously tried to wriggle her way onto lower ground.

The gunshots were deafening. Shot after shot after shot rang through the air. Twilight was paralyzed by fear, her eyes shut tightly, pushing herself as far onto the ground as she possibly could, staining her coat with dirt and grass. When the gunshots stopped, the only sound Twilight could hear was the ringing in her ears. Hoofsteps, ambient noise, insects, breathing, they were all inaudible under the tinnitus.

“Big Macintosh!” Twilight could hear Applejack’s voice. “Are you alright?”

Big Macintosh didn’t respond. Applejack didn’t ask him again if he was alright. Twilight opened her eyes. The top of Big Macintosh’s head had been split clean open. He had several bullet holes in his body as well. There was no doubt that he was dead.

“It must be my birthday.” Said Magic Palm. He said this sarcastically, since it actually was his birthday, but Applejack and Twilight didn’t know this. “Two feds, right out in the middle of fuck-nowhere. You still breathin’, task forcie?”

“You bet your ass I’m still breathin’.” Said Applejack. Her torso had been shot in two places, and a third bullet had grazed one of her hooves, chipping it. Her blood was gently dripping onto the grass, and she couldn’t stand up, instead she sort of leaned on her front two legs.

“MAGIC!” Twilight crawled furiously over to where Magic Palm and Applejack were, no more than a meter away from each other. “Stop! You don’t understand!”

“Hi, Glitter.” Said Magic. “Got yourself licked, huh?” Magic Palm made that little tsk tsk noise.

“I called you off! I told Crusoe not to come!”

“We decided to be on the safe side.” He said. “Looks like it paid off. Your ass was goin’ to prison. You got a name, task forcie?”

“Her name is Applejack.” Twilight said, attempting a commanding tone. “And she’s off-limits.”

“My name is Agent Applejack,” said Applejack, “and y’all can go fuck yourselves.” Her legs were shaking, but she still managed to keep herself from falling down completely.

“NO, APPLEJACK! Be cool, be cool! Magic, I know her. Don’t kill her. We can work this out.”

“She’s a task forcie, Glitter.” Said Magic. “She goes free, you go to prison, we go to prison. She knows our names. She’s seen our cutie marks. Don’t matter if you know her, she’s a fed. And she’s all alone. Simple as that.” A pony behind Magic Palm removed an empty cartridge from a handgun and began reloading it.

“NO NO NO NO NO! Please! Listen, Magic! I have money! The money I made from cooking! Only I know where it is! It’s-it’s…” Twilight almost didn’t want to say it in front of Applejack. “One hundred million bits…”

The quantity of money was so obscene that Twilight felt a veritable twinge of guilt at saying it out loud. It was outrageous for anypony to have that much fucking money.

“It’s a good try.” Said Magic. “But I don’t think we’re gonna have much trouble finding your money. Those coordinates you gave my nephew? I thought they looked a little accurate.” He meant precise, not accurate, but he didn’t know the difference. “You knew where you were going way before you got here. I’m willin’ to bet we’re standin’ on your money right now. We can dig it up whether your agent friend is dead or alive. Denim, gimme the gun.”

“No! Applejack, tell him you’ll be cool! Tell him to let you live. You won’t turn him in if he lets you live!”

Applejack looked at Twilight.

“You want me to beg for my life? Is that what you’re sayin’? You want me to die kneelin’? Like a dog? This old piece of shit with- with… I can’t even say it, on his flank. He strolls up, murders my brother, and I’m sposta apologize to him? For what? So you can feel better? So you can get out of this somehow? Do you really think that you’re gonna get away with this? That’s not how I do things Twilight. That’s not how I was raised. I don’t lie, cheat, and manipulate my way outta trouble. I face it with honor. That’s what you never had the courage to do. You were too scared to do the right thing, too scared to be honest, and it was my friends and family who paid the price for your cowardice. After all the hell I’ve been through I won’t die like a dog, I’ll die like a real motherfuckin’ earth pony.”

“Applejack, it’s not too late. It’s… It’s not too late.”

“Twilight,” Applejack didn’t look at the gun pointed to her head, only at her former friend, “You’re the smartest pony I ever met. And you’re still too stupid to see. He made up his mind ten minutes ago.”

Twilight’s lip wobbled.

“Go ahead.” She said, looking at Magic this time. “I’m not afraid. Pull that trigger and send me to be with my brother and sister you son of a bitch.”

Magic Palm shot her through the head and she died instantly.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Twilight screamed louder than the gunshot. “NOOOOOOOOOO!” Twilight squirmed in vain, with no true plan of how she wanted her body to move. She cried violently, scrunching her face against the grass, irritating her skin.

“Well that’s the two task forcies.” Said Magic. “Crusoe!” he yelled, “Where’s the pegasus?”

“MMMPH!” said Crusoe in response. He had a mouth full of wing. He was pulling Rainbow Dash towards them with his mouth and his front legs, and another blue pony was helping him. He was still quite a ways away. Rainbow Dash had gotten shot in the wing almost instantly after taking off, but her takeoff had so much momentum that she made it a relatively long distance before hitting the ground. Pulling her over had been slow going, even with two ponies. She was injured pretty badly, but she still resisted strongly, thrashing wildly all over the place.

Magic and the others walked forward to meet them. Rainbow Dash started resisting more fiercely when she saw Magic, but froze completely still when she saw Applejack’s body.

“Oh Celestia…” she whimpered so quietly it was almost inaudible. Only Crusoe heard her plea of despair, but he didn’t care.

“What do we do with her?” Crusoe said.

“She ain’t got no badge.” Said Magic. “I don’t know what she was doin’ here.”

“She was Doctor Spa-Doctor Hawk Lips’ former assistant.” Crusoe helpfully explained. “She used to cook with her.”

“Well in that case it ain’t our business.” Said Magic. “Hey, Glitter!” Denim pulled Twilight’s limp body over to where everypony else was. “You know this mare?”

Twilight craned her neck up, and nodded.

“You want her alive?”

Twilight was still for a long time, then she shook her head slowly.

“Well, alright then.” Magic picked up his gun again.

“Wait, Uncle Magic!” Crusoe protested. “Don’t you wanna know if she told the task force anything first?”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“She was with those two feds! She wasn’t in cuffs or anything! She was probably the one that ratted Glitter out in the first place. Who knows what she told them.” As always, Crusoe was a very intelligent little stallion. It was a shame he had no compassion in his heart whatsoever for other ponies.

“Yeah, okay.” Said Magic. “We’ll take her back to base and interrogate her. Then we’ll kill her. That okay with you, Glitter?”

Twilight nodded.

Denim and Crusoe brought Rainbow Dash back to who-knows-where, and the rest of Magic’s crew dug up Twilight Sparkle’s money. Denim came back with carts that they used to transport the metal drums. As for the fridge, nopony could tell what it was for. They left it in the hole. Before Magic’s string left, they cut Twilight’s cuffs loose and left her with a canteen of water.