No More Hoof Measures

Most ponies in Cloudsdale assumed that Donny Lottery was so rich because he won the lottery. Some other ponies assumed, more intelligently but equally misinformedly, that he was so rich because his father won the lottery. This was false, but it was a reasonable thing to believe because his father was named Won The Lottery. His father in turn was a gambler, who did not have Lottery as a surname, but believed very strongly in the power of names as destiny, which is actually a pretty reasonable thing for somepony to believe in Equestria, due to the astonishingly high amount of empirical evidence backing it up. Nevertheless, despite having a lottery ticket for a cutie mark, Won The Lottery never won the lottery, even though he bought two tickets a day from the day he earned his cutie mark to the day he died 50 years later. This dirth in fortune led to Mr. Lottery becoming an extremely ornery and constantly frustrated, albeit tenacious, pegasus. He took out his frustrations on his son, Donny Lottery, in the same way that all angry gambling fathers do, by beating him bloody every day at 7:15 pm sharp. Attempts to avoid these beatings invariably resulted in more beatings, which were equally severe but less consistently scheduled. Donny’s mother was a morphine addict who died when Donny was just a little kid, so she wasn’t much of a relief to the poor little colt.

Nopony can be entirely certain, but this upbringing is probably why Donny Lottery became a violent drug kingpin. It also probably had a part in why he went to so much trouble to earn the vicious reputation that was currently causing Cake Pop to quake in his hooves.

Cake Pop was more nervous than he had expected to be. His plan had been a rather audacious one from step one, but Cake Pop usually handled high-risk high-reward situations with a lot more composure. However, sitting in one of Donny Lottery’s dining rooms, he felt his nerves getting the better of him.

Sitting at the table were five pegasi: Cake Pop, his girlfriend Muffins, Donny Lottery, and two of Donny Lottery’s dealers, a mare named Honeydew and a stallion named Disco. Standing at the back of the room (even though there were plenty of empty seats at the table) was Donny Lottery’s number 2, a silver unicorn named Silver Shimmer. The Shimmer family had served as Donny Lottery’s most crucial allies since Donny Lottery sold his first gram of crack. The Shimmers were the only non-pegasi allowed in Donny Lottery’s crew. They were able to walk on the clouds of Cloudsdale due to their prodigious magical prowess. Silver was their matriarch. Cake Pop had never seen her face-to-face before, and was kind of freaking out. Her reputation preceded her. There were a lot of stories about her. None of them were pleasant.

“I want to thank you again, Donny Lottery, for permitting us to have this meeting. We are extremely grateful that you have given us this opportunity to propose what we believe will be a very, very fruitful business arrangement, for everypony.” Cake Pop spoke with as much sycophantic politeness as he could manage.

“Us, we?” said Donny Lottery, “I know who you are. You’re the cook what brought in new shit from Canterlot. Who’s this? I never seen her in my life.”

“That’s my girlfriend, Muffins.” Said Cake Pop. Muffins nodded politely, but did not speak up. “She’s the brains behind the idea. She’s a businesspony. She moves what I cook. She put me through college. She’s, the most important pony in my life.” Muffins smiled.

“Well, isn’t that sweet.” Said Donny Lottery, “She’s the idea guy? She came up with the plan and you cooked the mathematics… magic missile… what’s that shit called again?”

“Methamphetamine.” Said Cake Pop, “It’s a new drug. It’s completely artificial, requiring only chemicals to produce. It can be made anywhere. You wouldn’t have to rely on earth-pony producers like you would for plant-based drugs. It can be manufactured right here in Cloudsdale.”

“I’m well aware of that.” Said Donny Lottery, “My guys keep sending me the shit you sold ‘em. They say you made it in your basement.”

“Well we didn’t sell them anything.” Said Muffins, “We just gave them samples. We haven’t been selling methamphetamine in Cloudsdale.”

There was a brief moment of silence. Then Donny Lottery burst out laughing.

“HAHAHAHAHA! HOLY SHIT! Did y’all hear that? Is that your actual voice? Holy fuck I was not expecting that. I thought it was just your eyes that were fucked up. Did you smoke too much rock and get brain damage or something? But whatever, whatever. I’m getting off-topic. My point is, I’ve heard about meth from my buddies in Appleloosa. It’s a pretty hot condominium over there.”

“That’s right,” said Cake Pop, trying very desperately both to ignore the comments about his girlfriend, and also to not correct him on his pronunciation of ‘hot commodity’. “It originated in Appleloosa. It’s spread like wildfire. It’s extremely popular. There are dealers in Appleloosa who are making millions. It’s a cash cow. It’s the new thing.”

“It’s an earth pony drug.” Said Donny. “It’s for toothless hillbilly mud ponies who can’t afford cocaine. Just because it sells down there doesn’t mean it will sell up here. Pegasi have higher standards.”

“Donny Lottery, if I may. I’m a professional chemist. I studied at the University of Canterlot. The methamphetamine that we produce is of a much higher grade than what you’ll find in Appleloosa. It’s purer, clearer. It’s much more potent. This isn’t just a drug for… rural ponies. It’s stronger, more addictive than cocaine. It’s the drug of the future. In ten years, every gang will be selling it.”

“Sounds good. Sounds good. I got another question though.” Donny Lottery’s eyes moved towards Muffins, “if you cook the product, what do I need her for?”

“Sir?” said Cake Pop.

“You’re the cook. You know things. But why would I do business with her? Why would I want to do business with somepony who doesn’t respect me? Who disrespects my authority in Cloudsdale by selling drugs in my city without permission?”

“We’re sorry if we offended you, sir.” Said Muffins. “We never sold anything. We just wanted to prove to you the quality of our product. We never intended to insult you.” Donny Lottery laughed uproariously for the second time.

“God damn, where did you find this pony? You wanted to undermine my authority, piss me off, trick me into making this little meeting, and then ask me to hire you and your girlfriend over my trusted subordinators? Was that your actual plan? Listen, I see why I’d want you. Without you there’s nopony to teach us to cook. But who the fuck is she? Some down syndrome whore you ate out so she’d pay for your fancy degree? I have businessponies already. What’s stopping me from blowing your little retard girlfriend’s brains out all over the walls?”

“What the fuck did you just say?” said Cake Pop.

Dead fucking silence.

“You heard me.” Donny Lottery said slowly and quietly.

“I think you should take that back.” Said Cake Pop, unwisely.

“Oh, you do?” said Donny Lottery, “or what?”

“Cake Pop…” Muffins tried to rein him in, but he interrupted her.

“No. No. How dare you say that about her. If you knew Muffins like I knew Muffins, you wouldn’t fucking dream of talking about her like that. Muffins is the smartest, kindest, most honorable pony I know. Without her, you don’t have me.”

Donny Lottery pondered in silence for a moment. Muffins was paralyzed with fear. Cake Pop never broke eye contact with Donny Lottery. Finally, Donny Lottery turned and looked at Silver Shimmer.

“Silver?” he said, nodding slightly at her.

Silver immediately galloped up, leapt over the table and drove her horn straight up through Cake Pop’s chin and through his brain, bursting out of the top of his head covered in bits of gore. Muffins screamed in abject horror, and tried to bolt out of the room, but Silver dragged her telekinetically and slammed her on top of the table, knocking all of the wine glasses onto the floor and shattering them. Muffins desperately struggled but was unable to move a muscle. Silver pushed Cake Pop’s head off her horn and pushed his corpse down to the ground, blood pouring out of his head at an astonishing rate. All Muffins could do was scream. Then Donny Lottery stuck his hoof in her mouth, and she couldn’t even do that.

“Listen very closely,” he said, pushing down on her tongue, “The only reason that he’s dead and you’re still alive, is that you are not a threat. Not to me, not to anypony. You don’t belong in this business. I don’t really feel like killing a retard today. But you’ve lost your Cloudsdale privileges. You don’t sell in Cloudsdale. You don’t cook in Cloudsdale. You don’t live in Cloudsdale. You leave tonight. Doesn’t matter where.” He lifted his hoof out of her mouth. “Do you understand?” Muffins nodded. Silver pushed her off the table and loosened her psychic grip. Muffins fell onto Cake Pop’s dead body. Shaking silently, Muffins rose to her feet and left the building. Nopony who knew Muffins ever saw her again.

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

Ding ding ding.

Rainbow Dash wondered why anypony would have a literal bell for a doorbell. She felt rather ridiculous tinging her hoof gently against the polished silver bell on a rope outside Derpy Hooves’ door.

“COMING!” said Derpy. Rainbow Dash heard hooves clomping rushedly towards the door. She held her gift tightly against her left leg, holding it in place with her wing. Then the door swung open outwards and hit her in the face, causing her to yelp and leap back, dropping her gift onto the ground behind her. Her gift, a very expensive bottle of wine, smashed against the concrete sidewalk and broke.

“Oh fuck!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed out loud.

“What happened?” said Derpy Hooves, looking out at her very shook newly arrived guest from the foyer.

“My bottle broke.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Said Derpy Hooves, “This door opens outwards. My house is pre-code. It’s older than I am. Sorry about your bottle. I’m sure I can replace it.”

“No, it wasn’t for me, it was a gift for you!” said Rainbow Dash. Derpy laughed.

“Then there’s nothing to worry about. You don’t need a gift. I invited you over here to discuss business. Sorry if you thought this was a party. I didn’t bake a cake.” Rainbow Dash finally walked in, since Derpy had been gesturing for her to do so for a long time.

“I know, but, that bottle of wine was really important.” She said.

“Why?”

Because it was poisoned.

“Because it was very expensive.”

“Well, expensive wine is just as good as cheap to me, considering I don’t drink. It would have just sat in my cellar gathering dust. Don’t worry about it. I’ve lost more valuable things before.”

That’s a cryptic thing to say, thought Rainbow Dash, but she thought better than to say it aloud. Her next thought concerned what Twilight would say if Derpy Hooves went to bed tonight still unpoisoned. It was just her fucking luck that she worked for the one drug kingpin who didn’t even drink. Alcoholics are so easy to poison.

As Derpy rushed to the kitchen to turn the heat down on her boiling over pot of soup, Rainbow Dash looked around for opportunity. She was surprised by the quaint suburbanism of Derpy’s house. It was filled with a lot of white and light brown, and it wasn’t very cluttered. It looked very minimalist. She had a few potted plants, and a big landscape painting in the living room, but no photos. No mirrors either. The house seemed very empty, very lonely.

Rainbow Dash eventually stopped looking around the living room and entered the kitchen. It was a huge mess. Ingredients were strewn about everywhere. It smelled fantastic. Dinner was minestrone soup with garlic bread. Some of the soup had spilt onto the floor while Derpy Hooves was answering the door.

Derpy Hooves turned off the heat and started grabbing some bowls and silverware from her drawers.

“Can you bring that soup over to the table?” she said. Rainbow Dash obliged. Given Derpy’s poor ungulous dexterity, Rainbow Dash could see why she’d prefer somepony else to carry the big pot of boiling liquid into the other room. Rainbow Dash-what, what is it. What are you blathering about this time, I’m telling a story. What? You don’t know what ungulous means? Come on, it’s in the dictionary. And even if you’ve never heard it, its meaning should nevertheless be quite clear. It’s from latin “ungula”, meaning hoof. Her hoofular dexterity. She can’t have poor manual dexterity because she doesn’t have manus. She has ungulas. Anyway, out of sympathy for Derpy’s poor ungulous dexterity, Rainbow Dash carried the pot to the table, and placed it on this little foam circle with a flower pattern on it that clearly served the exact purpose of quartering big pots of hot liquid, so that one didn’t need to make return trips to the kitchen to fill up their bowl and risk feeding yet more soup to the floor and yet less to the guest. Derpy Hooves was still preoccupied with obtaining the necessary tools of dining, and so Rainbow Dash had about five seconds to decide whether or not to yank out her ricin cigarette and poison this pot. She decided against it, because it would mean she would have to abstain from dinner, and she was hungry as hell, and didn’t trust herself enough to come up with a sufficiently unsuspicious excuse.

Rainbow Dash sat down, then stood up to help Derpy set the table, which turned out to be a waste of time, because there were only two bowls, two spoons, and two glasses. The table already housed a pre-placed clear plastic pitcher of ice water. Rainbow Dash wondered silently who the hell would serve water out of a pitcher at the table rather than just filling up a glass in the sink or in those little water dispensers that refrigerators have, whatever those are called (not even I know). Whatever the reason for it (probably something close to the reason for the single pot), it was extremely inconvenient to Derpy’s would-be assassin. Maybe it was all intentional. Nopony could poison Derpy without poisoning themselves.

Oh, unless Rainbow Dash had poured the ricin into Derpy’s empty cup, and then poured water from the pitcher into both their cups, dissolving the ricin into Derpy’s. That would have worked for sure. Fuck. If she had had more than five seconds she probably would have come up with that.

Rainbow Dash was kicking herself over that internally while Derpy ladled each of them some soup. Rainbow Dash poured the non-deadly water.

“I suppose now I should get into why you’re here.” Said Derpy. Rainbow Dash blinked. It hadn’t even occurred to her what the actual meeting was about.

“I normally keep my producers somewhat in the dark about what goes on on the distribution side, and vice versa, but a rather delicate situation has arisen, and I need your help with a business matter.”

“A business matter?”

“I need you to teach some ponies how to cook Twilight’s formula.”

Derpy waited a beat for Rainbow Dash to respond.

“How fucking stupid do you think I am?” she said.

“What?”

“You want to replace her. Just like you were going to replace her with Minty. You want to invite me over to your home, butter me up with… soup, and.. and water, and hope that I’ll just forget everything that happened! That I’ll throw away my loyalty to Twilight for you! Fuck off. You won’t win me over. I know what the stakes are. If you kill Twilight, you’ll have to kill me too.”

Derpy waited for a moment for Rainbow Dash’s confident expression to fall, and for her to realize exactly what she had just done, but it didn’t happen. Rainbow Dash didn’t break eye contact. If anything, she grew braver, appearing to Derpy Hooves as a wingéd Ernő Nemecsek, a plucky young schoolboy standing up to his Austrian-coded bullies, in an act of loyalty that was probably a metaphor for Hungarian nationalism. Upon realizing the severity of Rainbow Dash’s resolve, Derpy laughed.

“I’m sorry. It was my fault for not being clear.” Derpy said, and she was surprisingly enough not lying. “I have no desire to replace Twilight, not with you nor with anypony else. That battle has already been fought, and you should be proud to hear that she won. Were I training her replacement, or yours for that matter, I would employ firstly a bit more subtlety, and secondly a lot more effort.” Derpy laughed again. “I don’t need more cooks, somepony else does. Somepony who unfortunately is not subordinate to me, and is therefore in a position to demand concessions. For years this thing of ours and that thing of theirs have maintained an arrangement, a peaceful equilibrium. That equilibrium has been growing less stable recently, an instability directly correlational to our financial success. After a lot of tense meetings, and more than a few murders, we’ve nearly settled on a deal. But they want our formula.”

“You want me to train our competition?”

“You don’t have any competition, Rainbow Dash. Not as far as I’m concerned. They only sell in Cloudsdale, and we only sell on the ground.”

“Ah…” said Rainbow Dash, immediately understanding the implications, “That’s why you wanted me instead of Twilight. Because I’m a pegasus.”

“I hope it doesn’t make Twilight any more upset at me than she already is, but I’m sure both of you understand that the average drug gang is not as… tolerant as ours.” What she meant by that was that most gangs are really fucking racist. It would not be a wise idea, or even a feasible idea, to bring a unicorn or an earth pony to a room full of elderly pegasi criminals. The fact that Twilight wouldn’t even be able to walk on most of the city without a flight spell (from another pony, since she lost her own ability to do magic) was just the nail in the coffin.

“How long would it take?” asked Rainbow Dash, suddenly more interested in the fine details now that it was clear that nopony’s head was on the line, and also pondering the assassination potentials of such a trip. Derpy attends a meeting of her worst enemies, dies of mysterious causes a few days later, nopony would ever suspect the cook.

“One cook.” Said Derpy.
“What?” said Rainbow Dash.

“That’s how long it would take.”

“Oh.” Said Rainbow Dash, who had gotten distracted by thoughts of murder, and had forgotten the question she had asked. “Yeah, I could do that.”

“One big pitcher?”

“One big pitcher.”

“Why didn’t you just put the ricin into her empty cup and then pour water from the pitcher into both cups?”

“I did think of that!” said Rainbow Dash, “but a little bit too late. She had already sat down when it occurred to me.”

“Well then you should have poisoned her food or drink while she was in the restroom!”

“She didn’t go to the restroom! Don’t you think I would have told you if she’d gone to the restroom? Why would she have gone to the restroom, and then I didn’t poison her? Obviously if she’s not poisoned, she didn’t give me a chance to poison her.”

“That’s only one of two possible explanations.” Explained Twilight, “the other being that you’re just a fucking moron who can’t put the world’s most undetectable poison into the world’s most unaware pony!”

“Fuck off.” Said Rainbow Dash, “Killing is not as easy as complaining.”

“Well you certainly have a lot of experience to back up that assertion.”

“I’ll get her next time, alright?”

“You’ll- Next time? What the fuck do you mean? When the hell are you going to see her again? Brunch?”

“Umm…” Rainbow Dash stopped being angry and started being confused, “in Cloudsdale?” Twilight blinked.

“Are you fucking kidding me.”

“What?”

“YOU SAID YES‽ YOU’RE ACTUALLY GONNA GO TO CLOUDSDALE AND TEACH PEGASUS GANGSTERS YOU’VE NEVER MET HOW TO COOK MY PINK METH‽ ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND‽”

“Derpy will be there! I’ll have my chance to poison her! And what’s the big deal about teaching pegasus gangsters anyway? They only sell in Cloudsdale. And it wouldn’t matter if they didn’t. Our salaries are fixed. Why do you care?”

“I care because it’s my fucking formula. Not yours, not Derpy’s, not some fucking pegasus grad school dropout’s. That formula is me, it’s Glitter Hawk Lips. It’s not just a recipe, it’s my legacy. It’s also, if your feeble brain can even recall this, our only leverage. That formula is the only reason we’re still alive. Wrap your fucking head around that.”

“Twilight what the fuck are you talking about. What’s the actual problem here? Can you actually name what’s going to happen to us if we teach some Cloudsdale gangsters to cook better meth?”

“If you teach them you mean. I’m not teaching them.” Said Twilight, ignoring the question.

“Well you weren’t invited, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Well you weren’t… uh… FUCK YOU!” said Twilight.

They had a few more words that night, but somehow never came to a consensus. They didn’t speak to each other the next day, and the day after that Derpy Hooves picked up Rainbow Dash to take her to Cloudsdale. That was the last time Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle saw each other for a while.

Derpy Hooves supposedly had thousands of employees, but she never kept very many around at once. Neither Rainbow Dash nor Twilight Sparkle had ever encountered more than a handful of their coworkers, and almost never under pleasant circumstances. She seemed to prefer to keep her associates separated, lest they fight with each other, like what happened last time her associates were not separated, or the time before that. It was probably a desire to minimize dead allies that led Derpy to only bring along two ponies with her to Cloudsdale: her bodyguard Finger Flyer, and Rainbow Dash. Of course they were both pegasi. Cloudsdale crooks had a rather contentious view of unicorns, and an extremely contentious view of earth ponies. The trip was only three days long, so Rainbow Dash only brought a light suitcase, containing only necessities. Unfortunately, Derpy had forbidden her to bring drugs or alcohol, and Finger had enforced this prohibition by searching her luggage. He nicked two bottles of scotch and a baggie of pills that somepony had told her were molly but were probably bath salts. This left Rainbow Dash with nothing but some clothes and some bottles of water, some of which were poisoned. Luckily, Rainbow Dash was not forbidden to bring smokes, and her cigarettes, including the ricin one, were still squarely lodged in wherever ponies keep things that they carry around. I try not to think about it too much.

The actual trip to Cloudsdale was as uneventful as it was expected. Apart from being in the sky, Cloudsdale was only one town over from Ponyville. It took less than an hour to get there, and if she were going herself, Rainbow Dash could have made the trip in under five minutes. They only took the slow way because Derpy wasn’t a great flier, and also because they wanted to avoid attention. Nevertheless, Rainbow Dash was excited to be there again. Rainbow Dash was born and raised in this city. She was more familiar with it than either of her companions. She was much less familiar with its criminal underground, though. Her criminal experience in this city consisted of the times she managed to score weed in high school. She hadn’t really gotten into the world of crime until she moved to Ponyville.

Rather than staying at a hotel, the three of them stayed in a straight up house, in the middle of the suburbs. When they arrived, Rainbow Dash assumed they had arrived at the home of the drug kingpin which she’d been told so much about, but Derpy informed her that this was merely a safe house that they had rented for the trip. They had things they needed to prepare before the meeting of the gangs. Rainbow Dash spent most of the first day annoying Finger and desperately wishing she had something to drink. Derpy spent the day making phone calls and working on something, and Rainbow Dash didn’t care a lot about what it was.

The cloudsdale mafia’s (that’s what Rainbow Dash had started calling them in her head, even though they didn’t actually have a name for their organization, just like Derpy’s organization) lab was filthy. It looked like a meth lab. Obviously it was a meth lab, but Rainbow Dash had become used to working in a meth lab that didn’t look like a meth lab, and was quite scornful about the condition of the place. The cooks, of which there were nine, all looked nearly indistinguishable, except by color and cutie mark. They were all pegasi, all seemingly in their late 30’s, all pretty haggard, ill-tempered, anxious, and they all had fucked up teeth that implied to Rainbow Dash that they had never heard the oft-cited advice of never getting high off your own supply. Clearly there was no pegasus equivalent to Biggie Smalls’ “The Ten Crack Commandments” (but there was of course, a pegasus equivalent to the 1906 Hungarian novel “The Paul Street Boys”, as implied earlier in this chapter).

The head chemist (his name was Dusty) looked Rainbow Dash up and down.

“So…” he said, “this is the Glitter Hawk Lips we’ve heard so much about.”

“That’s right.” Said Finger, before Rainbow Dash could open her mouth to fuck things up.

“She don’t look like much.” He said, rather disdainfully. “She can’t be a day older than 22.” This was exactly correct, but Rainbow Dash still felt offended by it.

“We can assure you,” said Finger, speaking for Derpy, who was absent for the moment, “that Glitter Hawk Lips is the best there is. Follow her lead, and listen carefully, and she’ll show you everything that your organization has wanted to know. Treat her with respect.”

Rainbow Dash felt anxiety creep up her body. She was a faildaughter, not a scientist. Nevertheless, she’d done the cook enough times to be able to do it with her eyes closed. She walked around the lab with an affected panache, examining the materials. Then she examined them all again, and paused.

“There’s no liquid rainbow.”

“We don’t need liquid rainbow.” Said Dusty.

“Uh, yes we do. That’s how we do our cook. It’s our… precursive.”

“Liquid rainbow is extremely hard to obtain. We don’t have the time for it. A precursor is a precursor. We went through hell to obtain methylamine in the quantities we have. We have our precursor.”

“Make time for it.” Rainbow Dash snapped, feeling possessed by the spirit of the real Glitter. “If you want to cook my meth you’ll have to cook my way. No substitutions, no skipped steps, no additives. If you don’t have liquid rainbow, you get liquid rainbow. We’re literally in Cloudsdale right now. The rainbow factory is right there. Make it happen.” The scientists were dumbfounded by the implication of this command, but Rainbow Dash didn’t give them time to fully comprehend the situation before she continued the attack. “And while we’re waiting, this laboratory is filthy. You can’t cook in a shithole like this. I can literally smell the contaminating chemicals. This is disgraceful. Start cleaning, and don’t stop until it’s clean enough to eat apple cobbler off.” Nopony moved.

Dusty stared at Rainbow Dash. Then, he relented, and picked up the phone.

“Sir, we need a favor.”

It took a miraculously short seventeen hours and twenty-one minutes before a knock was heard on the front door of the warehouse (not counting the five times Finger had arrived, bringing food, playing cards, and anything else the ten interim janitors could come up with to make him fetch). This time it was a new face, to Rainbow Dash at least. To everypony else, this face was instantly clocked as the face of Phoenix Shimmer, the most dangerous unicorn in Cloudsdale. She was yellow (but you had to say she was golden) with a red mane and tail, with a sort of orangered gradient across them. She wore a purple bracelet around her front right hoof. She was shockingly young. She looked like she was still in high school (she wasn’t, but only because she dropped out). Despite the fact that she was a mare, a teenager, and a unicorn, the chemists showed her immediate deference, averting their eyes. Rainbow Dash was too brave and too stupid to do the same.

“Yo.” Said Phoenix.

“Sup.” Said Rainbow Dash.

“Damn what happened to this place?” she said, gently drifting a fifty-kilogram drum of liquid rainbow through the air to the back wall like it was a foal’s backpack. “This dump looks like a… non-dump. You guys hire a janitor or something? Lol.”

“Nope.” Rainbow Dash beamed smugly, “just a little bit of-“

“I don’t care don’t talk to me.” She said. “By the way, Donny Lottery is pissed at you. Something about stealing some hundred thousand bits worth of shit from a government building, I don’t remember the number. I think he’s gonna kill you actually. Anyway, here’s your rainbows. Gayyyyyy. Later!” Phoenix took a huge rip off her vape pen, and denied Rainbow Dash’s request to take a hit. Then she left without closing the door.

To say that Rainbow Dash was not nervous would be untrue. Although she never let her swagger falter, or her falter swagger, whilst she was instructing the chemists from her vantage point in the air, doubts swam around in the back of her mind like stressful koi, swimming in perfect circles that represented the hole Donny Lottery would make in her head should she fail to produce high quality crystal. Truth be told, she had never cooked the pink meth alone before. She doubted herself on some of her instructions, but never let this doubt shine through to her face. It was a long and stressful cook for everypony involved, especially the one pony whose life was almost certainly on the line, but when it was over, Dusty broke up a tray, took a long pink shard, crushed it up with a mortar and pestle, and placed the dust in a little machine. Finger and Rainbow Dash gave the machine the Kubrick stare for nearly five minutes unti it announced, by means of a digital display, that the meth had a purity of 99.1%. An astonishing figure. As good as Twilight could do and better. Raucous cheers erupted from the scientists. They smiled for the first time since Rainbow Dash had encountered them. Most of them celebrated by snorting some of the product. Rainbow Dash did not admonish them for this. Her job was over. She didn’t give a fuck what they did with the speed. Finger shot her a proud look. He would have patted her on the back, but ponies don’t do that. It’s just not feasible.

The no-hard-feelings party, sometimes referred to as the we’re-not-gonna-kill-each-other party, was scheduled for the second day, but the enormous delay caused by Rainbow Dash’s demands forced the celebration to be moved back about 36 hours. It was now to be held in the morning, at Donny Lottery’s fabulous mansion. Mostly in his backyard. Donny Lottery was pissed because he had to pay the strippers for an extra day, but he was so jubilant at the thought of the pink meth formula that he didn’t beat up, or even berate, any of his subordinates over it. In fact, he was positively over the moon. He’d spared no expense for the function. There were two strippers for every stallion, and two bags of cocaine for every stripper. He’d even made sure none of the strippers were white, because he wouldn’t be able to see the coke on them if they were. Pegasi generally only take uppers since downers make it really easy to fall off the city and die.

Rainbow Dash was chain-smoking cigarettes and looking for Derpy Hooves. She really didn’t want to, but she felt compelled to ask Donny Lottery where she was. He was currently in a circle of his compatriots, who were laughing uproariously at nothing in particular, in much the same way sorority girls in southern cities do while walking around at 3 pm on a Wednesday. What’s up with those girls? What the hell is so goddamn funny? Why do you all look and dress identical? Are y’all in a cult? Similar questions were equally applicable to Donny Lottery and his crew, but Rainbow Dash knew better than to ask them, or even to ask more pressing questions. Instead, rather than interrupt them, she waited outside the circle awkwardly until Donny Lottery noticed her and gestured towards her.

“Ah shit, there she is. Glitter, come over here!” Rainbow Dash acquiesced.

“Sup.”

“This is the mare I was tellin’ you guys about. She’s the one with the new apeshit formula for methamphetamine. Pink day. I think the mud ponies call it quartz. It’s bananas. And now she’s ours. Welcome to the team, Glitter.”

“…what?”

“You’re the new head cook! Welcome to the team!” The pegasi all cheered and whooped incoherently, celebrating the good news. Rainbow Dash’s face froze into the tbh stare.

“I need to go away for a second.” She said, immediately turning away and trying to walk as casually as possible inside, where she frantically searched for Finger. She didn’t find him, but she did find Derpy Hooves, whom she had previously been searching for, unsuccessfully. She was in the kitchen, gently and very delicately removing muffins, evidently of her own creation, from six muffin trays, two of which had already been completely emptied.

“Derpy! Donny L-”

“Don’t eat any of these muffins by the way.” Said Derpy Hooves, not looking up at Rainbow Dash until after she had finished both saying and this and placing one more muffin onto a serving platter.

“What?”

“I wanted to get that out of the way as fast as possible. Don’t eat any of these muffins. Not even when they’re served and everypony else is eating them.”

“Derpy I-“

“If you really want a muffin I’ll make you as many as you like when we get home to Ponyville, but these ones aren’t for us.”

“When we get home to Ponyville‽ Donny Lottery just told me that I won’t be going back to Ponyville! He said I’m the new head cook! Am I staying or leaving?” Derpy Hooves smiled and chuckled.

“Oh, right.” She said, “You’re leaving, but he thinks you’re staying. I forgot to tell you. I mean that honestly. I actually did mean to tell you that. The thing about the muffins too. I’ve had a lot on my mind today, you see.” Derpy went back to plating Muffins.

“What do you mean he thinks I’m staying?”

“I mean that’s what I told him. I told him I’d give him Glitter. Don’t worry about it.”

“How am I supposed to not worry about that? What’s gonna happen when tomorrow comes? He’s gonna find out you lied!”

“Let me worry about tomorrow, Rainbow Dash. Your job is over. I’ll take it from here.”

“But-“

“Trust me. I know what I’m doing. Listen to me.” Derpy Hooves finally stopped paying attention to her pastries and looked Rainbow Dash in the eye. “You will be back in Ponyville tomorrow. Now go back outside and relax.”

Against her own better judgement, Rainbow Dash responded by nodding obediently and walking back outside. She found Finger. He had been outside the whole time, hanging silently next to Phoenix. The two of them looked like they were having a competition to see who could be the biggest moodkiller.

Derpy Hooves came outside about fifteen minutes later, holding one platter of muffins. Her arrival outside was celebrated with a procession of hooting, hollering, and other assorted cheers from the pegasi, most of which were intoxicated in some form or another.

“Could you help me with the rest of these?” she said, in lieu of cheering back, as she maintained her dignity even at the most raucous of occasions, “I have two more platters on the dining table if somepony could bring them out for me. It would be much appreciated.”

Phoenix of course was the one who came forward. She was the obvious candidate for the task, since she was the only one of Donny’s goons who was on the clock, and also unicorns were infinitely better at carrying plates than pegasi were.

Donny Lottery met Derpy at the big outdoor table by the pool that had a big umbrella coming out of a hole in the middle.

“At long last, the old queen finally makes her appearance. You were never much for social engagements, were you Muffins? Or, sorry, what do you go by nowadays? Ditzy Doo?” Donny’s goons laughed. He knew her name. Everypony did. He just liked to bust her balls because he was amused by her nonreactivity. “I’m just busting your balls, Derpy. The past is behind us. I’m glad we could put aside our tragic backstories and work together, like pegasi are s’posta. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you finally come to your senses.” Derpy smiled politely.

“Pardon my late entry to the party, I was preparing my gift. You know I’m not big on celebrations. You’ve already met Glitter, I presume?” she said, gesturing to Rainbow Dash.

“Yes, indeed!” said Donny Lottery, “She’s everything I expected and more! I’m surprised you were willing to give her away!”

“It’s almost unbelievable, isn’t it?” said Derpy, “After everything that happened between us, that I would give you my head cook. Would you like a muffin? They’re banana, with those big sugar crystals on top.” Derpy took a muffin and put it on a plate, and nudged it towards Donny Lottery.

“I’d love one.” Said Donny Lottery, ignoring the muffin he was offered and selecting a random muffin from one of the platters. Then with his other front leg he took another random muffin and gave it to Derpy. “You can have that one.” He said. Donny Lottery waited for Derpy to take a bite out of her muffin before smiling confidently and eating his.

Once the two leaders had partaken, the rest of the pegasi swarmed to form a very unsightly line for the muffin table. It was not single file in the slightest. Evidently, criminals had no sense of civility.

The muffins were a huge hit. Everypony had at least one save for the two bodyguards and Rainbow Dash, who abstained because Derpy Hooves had told her to earlier, and Rainbow Dash didn’t want to disobey her, even if she was planning on killing her. Donny Lottery and Derpy Hooves talked for a while about the city, and about crime, before Derpy needed to use the bathroom, and left. Without his favorite doormat to antagonize, Donny Lottery lit up a cigar and trotted over to Rainbow Dash, who had been sitting awkwardly on a pool chair next to Finger and Phoenix, although none of the three of them had been talking to each other in any way, just watching the proceedings and thinking about murder (although none of the three of them knew that the other two were also thinking about murder).

“Whoa, settle down there Glitter!” Donny Lottery said sarcastically. “You’re gonna blow a fuse there!” He chuckled. “I was just giving your former boss a hard time. You know how she is. She likes to do things quietly and professionally. No sense of aesthetics. Not much for small talk and schmoozing, that one. Always so serious. I hope none of her drub rubbed off on you. Drab. I hope none of her drab drabbed up… Fuck…” Donny Lottery’s cigar dropped out of his mouth. Far away, Derpy Hooves vomited violently into the guest toilet. The sound of her retching was masked by the loud electronic dance music playing from the outdoor speakers.

Donny Lottery stopped talking. He suddenly felt dizzy. He wondered if maybe that line he’d snorted had been ket instead of coke. He looked around. His guys weren’t dancing. In fact, some of them had collapsed.

Phoenix noticed something was up. Her boss’s lips were turning blue. She began to walk towards him, but she didn’t make it one step before her neck violently snapped up against some sort of chain. Rainbow Dash jumped back in alarm as she saw Finger strangling Phoenix with a silver necklace.

“SHIT!” Rainbow Dash yelled in surprise. Phoenix’s horn glowed, and then she vomited all over herself and collapsed. Finger lifted the necklace off her head, then crushed her windpipe with his hoof.

Donny Lottery, utterly terrified by what he witnessed, turned around to flee, but all he could manage was a slow crawl towards the door. Nopony tried to stop him. It was around this time that Derpy Hooves came back outside. She smiled at him, but it wasn’t her usual smile. She was smiling with her whole face.

“You…” he said, putting it together much later than a smarter pony would have. “You did this…”

“Finger,” said Derpy Hooves, although she was still looking at Donny Lottery and grinning, “is Phoenix dead?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Loot her bracelet. It was a gift from her grandmother.” Finger did as he was told.

“Muffins…” Donny Lottery did not manage to say any more before Derpy put her hoof in his mouth. Then she leaned in real close until her mouth was next to his ear.

“I killed Odyssea too.” she said. Then she kicked him into the pool.

By this point, all of the strippers had fled. The few ponies who had still yet to succumb to the poison were lying face down on the concrete, or the grass, if they’d managed to make it that far. Rainbow Dash was absolutely freaking out. She looked to Derpy for… well she didn’t know what. She just felt like she was the pony to look to. She didn’t look so good though. Her face was pale. You could tell through her hair even. She was clearly struggling to stand up, but she nevertheless continued to give commands to her and Finger.

“We need to get out of her as soon as possible.” She said. “The police will be coming soon, I guarantee it. Finger, burn down the house so there’s no evidence of us being here. Rainbow Dash,” Derpy fell down, “take me to the hospital. Tell them I drank expired almond milk and need my stomach pumped.” She did not fall unconscious after this, like Rainbow Dash expected, but she certainly did not feel like saying or doing anything more. Finger ran into the house. It was just the two of them. Rainbow Dash could kill her right now. It would be as easy as doing nothing. She could take her too slowly to the hospital. She could leave her in the woods. She could tell the doctors she had a broken leg and waste their time until she died. Derpy was completely at her mercy. She had placed her life in Rainbow Dash’s hands. She trusted her with her life. She trusted her.

THREE DAYS LATER

“State your name.”

“Derpy Hooves.”

“We’re sorry if this came at a bad time. We understand you were recently in the hospital. According to the hospital records you drank expired almond milk and needed your stomach pumped. Are you feeling alright today?”

“Much better, thank you. You know how it is with almond milk.”

“Well actually I don’t. My family owns a farm and we milk our own cows. My granny would beat me bloody if she ever caught me with almond milk.”

“You’re not missing out on much. It’s a really gross drink.”

“I’m sure, I’m sure. Do you know why we’ve asked you to come over to the station today?”

Derpy looked forlorn.

“Is it about Minty?” Applejack was surprised, and so were the other members of the task force seated at the long wooden meeting table.

“As a matter of fact, it is. Your hoofprints were in her house, and you were one of only two contacts on her secret phone. Did you know her?”

“Yes I did. The hoofprints aren’t surprising. I visited her twice in the month before she was killed. I don’t wear socks, unlike her, so I’m sure my hooves are all over her house. As for the cell phone, that surprises me. I didn’t know she had a second phone. She did have my number though. She called me a few times I think.”

“How did you know her?”

“I met her a few years ago in Canterlot. I was a delivery pony who worked with a bunch of places, and one of them was this place called Canterlot Laboratories, where there were a bunch of scientists. She was a research assistant at the lab, and she would always greet me when me and my friend Waterworks delivered the weekly chemical shipments. We never talked long, because I always had my job to do, but we liked each other because we were both very clumsy. We were both pretty bad with our hooves. It led to a lot of problems in both of our jobs. After I became a mailmare we lost touch, but she called me a few months ago and we started chatting again. I visited her house twice. She seemed like a very nice pony. I can’t imagine why anypony would shoot her. It must have been some kind of mistake.”

“Thank you.” Said Applejack, “We also wanted to ask you some questions about your personal history if that’s alright.”

“Uh, okay.” Said Derpy Hooves.

“There’s no record a you in the Canterlot archives older than about fourteen years. Do you have a copy of your birth certificate?”

“No, sorry.”

“When were you born?”

“March 4th. I don’t know the year.”

“You don’t know what year you were born?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Do you have any living family members?”

“I don’t know. My parents left me when I was very young. I don’t know their names. I grew up in an orphanage in Filliedelphia. I don’t think it’s around anymore.”

“Thank you for your cooperation.”

“Sorry I couldn’t remember a lot. I hope I helped with your search.”

“Did anypony follow me?” Derpy said to Finger, meeting him behind the post office.

“No. Nopony tailed you. I was watching. You think they suspect you?”

“I’m certain they do. The orange one’s sure of it.”

“What are we gonna do about it?”

“What the hell do you think we’re gonna do about it?” said Derpy, “We’re going to kill her.”