No More Hoof Measures

“You mind if I vape?” said Derpy Hooves.

Ding ding ding.

“You don’t? Fantastic.” Derpy took a feeble hit off the pen and proceeded to cough herself half to death.

Ding ding ding ding ding.

“How do you like my new bracelet?” Derpy coughed out, “Pretty stylish, isn’t it?”

Ding ding ding ding.

“I agree. It’s quite fabulous. I might start wearing it around town. Make it my new look.”

Ding ding ding ding ding.

“Have you read the news lately?”

No ding.

“Oh my. You have a lot to catch up on. Let me give you the rundown.” Derpy took a newspaper out of her basket and held it in front of Silver Shimmer. No ding.

“All of them, Silver.” Derpy said. “Every. Single. One.”

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

“Don’t worry, Silver. Your granddaughter didn’t burn with the rest of them.” Derpy got really uncomfortably close to Silver. “She was strangled to death while Donny Lottery watched.”

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.

“OH WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?” Derpy Hooves knocked the bell out of Silver’s chair and smashed it against the ground. “I don’t need your commentary. I already know you’re unhappy. Let me monologue in peace. Come on. We’re going on a trip.”

EARLIER THAT DAY

Cannabis is a very dangerous drug. Or rather, muffins are a very dangerous food, and cannabis is a gateway drug to muffins. Rainbow Dash had witnessed the danger of muffins with her own two eyes quite recently, and yet she had still devoured an entire tray of twelve (12) chocolate chip muffins the night before. Granted these muffins weren’t poison, but a lot of typically benign foods become poisons in their own right when you eat 12 of them.

Rainbow Dash promised herself she’d switch to benzos.

She’d chosen the wrong day to be afflicted with unbearable food poisoning. It was her first day back in the lab, and Twilight hadn’t shown up, which was astonishing, because she always showed up. Rainbow Dash had waited around for a while, wobbling a beaker back and forth and trying to see how much she could get it to wobble without falling down, until she came to the conclusion that Twilight was not going to show up, and that she should begin the cook on her own. But before she did that, she needed a cigarette.

Nopony was there to yell at her for smoking in the lab, but Rainbow Dash still had enough professionalism to take the elevator back to the laundromat first. She closed the secret washing machine door behind her and took out a cig. Three drags in, the laundromat door opened and Rainbow Dash did a double take. Then a triple take. Then another drag. Then a quadruple take.

No. Fucking. Way.

Everypony in Ponyville knew that Twilight Sparkle was not holding up very well. She tried to avoid all social gatherings, talked very little, never went out in public when she could help it, and constantly had a deeply pained look in her eyes. The past year had taken an enormous toll on her, mentally and physically. She’d grown thinner, her hair had become patchier, her head was covered in scars, and she’d lost her horn. Worst of all, she seemed to have lost any sense of optimism and cheeriness she once had. She went for long periods of time without contacting any of her friends, and Applejack frequently worried that she’d committed suicide, and that this time she’d never see her again.

Applejack and Big Macintosh were relieved to see that Twilight Sparkle wasn’t dead, but she didn’t look much better than that. She sat at her dining room table, staring at the tablecloth with her mouth open and her eyes furrowed, as if she were straining them without actually using them to look at anything. The tablecloth was torn and frayed in a hundred different places near Twilight’s seat, but everywhere else it was pristine. Spike gave Twilight her fried eggs and hashbrowns first, before serving the two guests and himself, then he sat down, opposite Twilight. Big Macintosh started eating his food immediately. Spike gave a brief but desperate glance to Applejack. Applejack tried to think of a polite opener, but found herself unable to not speak from the heart.

“I’m happy you’re still alive.” She said.

“Don’t get used to it.” Spike couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at this response, although he felt very guilty about it. Applejack acted as if Twilight hadn’t said it.

“So, um… How have things been recently?”

“Good.”

“Nopony’s seen you in a while. What’ve you been up to?” Twilight avoided answering this question by slowly starting to eat her eggs. Applejack was happy with the response. Breakfast is much better for depression than honesty, and Twilight never ate breakfast.

They all ate in silence for a long time. When Applejack had eaten her eggs (they were under-seasoned, Spike couldn’t make them the way Granny Smith could) she spoke up again.

“Well, me ‘n Big Macintosh’ve been working hard on the Glitter case. Real excitin’ stuff.” This, fortunately enough, got Twilight’s attention.

“I thought you already caught her.”

“Nope.” Said Big Mac.

“PPD thinks so. We don’t think so. And we’re right and they’re wrong. She’s still out there. And to tell you the truth,” Applejack leaned in and paused to build suspense, “we think we know who she is.”

Applejack must have built up a little too much suspense because Twilight seemed legitimately scared. Applejack thought it best not to delay the reveal too much, lest Twilight’s nerves overcome her.

“You know Derpy Hooves, the mailmare?” Twilight nodded slowly. “She’s a drug dealer.” Twilight’s face was blank for a brief moment, then she laughed.

“What?” She chuckled. “That’s-that’s crazy!”

“I know, I know. But seriously, once you hear the evidence, you’ll believe us. There’s too much evidence to fit in my desk drawer. It’s a sure thing. She’s… she’s… uh… Big Mac, what did Applebloom say when we told her about this?”

“Sus.” Said Big Macintosh.

“Sus! Yeah, she’s sus! Mighty sus!”

“Wow.” Said Twilight. “But uh, how could Derpy cook meth. She’s… you know…” Twilight pantomimed picking up a glass of water and dropping it.

“Well.” Said Applejack, “She’s not the cook, she’s the boss. THIS is the cook.” Big Mac took out a manila envelope and emptied it onto the table. A picture of Minty slid right up in front of Twilight’s plate and absorbed just a little bit of egg yolk.

“Is that uh… is that the pony that got shot a few months ago?” Twilight swallowed hard.

“I guess I misspoke. I should have said, she was the cook.” Said Applejack. “And not the only one. She’s been in the ground two months and we’re still finding pink day in every city in Equestria, ‘cept for Cloudsdale.”

“Why not in Cloudsdale?” said Twilight.

“Walk with me and I’ll tell you. I’m sick of sitting down.”

“No.”

Big Mac literally dragged Twilight out the door. Walk with me turned out not to be a suggestion. The whole reason they’d come over had been to distract her from her worries by taking her on an adventure.

“Where are we going?” said Twilight.

“I’ll get to it don’t worry. But first! Let me tell you about Cloudsdale.” Applejack talked for nearly half an hour about the history of the Cloudsdale mafia, slowly building up the reveal of the twist ending, that every single pony in the story had died just a few days ago, all on the same day, and all from the same poison. It was a huge shock, but I spared you from it because you already knew about it unless you’ve been skipping chapters, so I’ll skip to the end of her monologue.

“-and all from the same poison.”

“Ricin?” Twilight blurted out.

“Good guess, but no. Cyanide. If it had been ricin they would have made it home first. Most of ‘em were found on Donny Lottery’s property, some of ‘em fell through the clouds and splattered onto the ground. Donny Lottery himself was at the bottom of his pool.”

“Wow.” Said Twilight, quietly.

“Anyway, we think that Cloudsdale was behind Minty’s death, and this was Derpy’s payback. We know that Minty was a meth cook, and we know that Derpy was in contact with Minty while she was alive. Of course, that’s not enough evidence to nab Derpy, but coincidences keep pilin’ up. Minty’s death opened up the flood gates. I can see why Derpy was so upset at her murder.”

“Coincidences?”

“A lot of coincidences. And we brought you here for a big one. We’re gonna do some investigatin’ together. Turn left here.”

Twilight suddenly realized where she was. Her lethargy quickly turned into panic.

“Right up here there’s a laundromat-”

“So? Who cares?” Twilight practically interrupted Applejack.

“Let me finish please. Derpy owns it. Which is odd, because-“

“Well, Derpy’s a very odd pony. My legs hurt. Do you think we could head home? Do you think you could both walk me home? I’m not used to walking this much. My legs are just so-“

“Not a chance.” Said Applejack. “You’re not gonna go home to keep sulking. You’re gonna help us look for clues and solve this case. We’re gonna go on an adventure, like old times. Come on.” Twilight thought desperately of a way out, but before she knew it, Applejack had swung open the door. Twilight reluctantly trotted in. This was very very bad. But it could be worse, she told herself. Applejack could’ve come on a weekday. At least on a Sunday she wouldn’t see-

No. Fucking. Way.

If anypony in that laundromat were a psychic, they would have gotten hearing damage from how loud the Kill Bill siren sound effect was playing in Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle’s heads.

“Look over there!” shouted Twilight Sparkle, pointing at a random corner of the laundromat. It was the smartest thing she could think of, and it didn’t work, because Applejack completely ignored it.

“Is that Rainbow Dash?” she said.

“No.” said Twilight. “Well, that was fun. Let’s go home. Right now.”

“Rainbow Dash!” Applejack cantered over to Rainbow Dash, who was staring at her bug-eyed and silent. “Now there’s a surprise. What in Equestria are you doing here?”

“Um… Smoking?” she said.

“I can see that. But why are you at a laundromat?”

“Because I was… um, doing laundry?”

“Don’t you have a washing machine at home?”

“Well obviously I’m already at a laundromat, so however unlikely it is that I’d be at a laundromat, it must be true, so there’s no reason to question it.” Rainbow Dash thought this was an extremely Twilight Sparkle thing to say, but Twilight didn’t look very proud.

“Maybe her washing machine is broken.” Said Twilight. Oh, thought Rainbow Dash. That was the Twilight Sparkle thing to say.

“Yeah, that’s it.” Said Rainbow Dash. Twilight breathed her sigh of relief slowly and quietly, so as not to arouse suspicion.

“But you don’t wear clothes.” Said Applejack.

“Hey, why don’t we start looking for clues now?” said Twilight. “Maybe we can start on the outside, and next week we’ll come back and investigate the inside. That sounds fair to me.”

“No need to wait a week.” Said Applejack, “Big Mac and I could just come back tomorrow.”

“Who has the time for that?” said Twilight, “How about you and Big Mac investigate the outside, and Rainbow Dash and I will investigate the inside. Two groups of two. Sounds good to me. Okay byyyyye.” Twilight pushed Applejack outside, and Big Mac followed. Then she slammed the door behind them.

“What the fuck are you doing‽” Twilight tried not to scream at Rainbow Dash. She didn’t know how thick the walls were.

“What am I doing? What am I doing? What the fuck! I’m at work! Without you! What have you been doing?”

“Work‽ It’s Sunday!” Rainbow Dash went silent for a second.

“Oh. Really?” That explained a lot.

“Yes! How did you n-” Twilight Sparkle remembered something much more important, “Wait, forget about all this. Is Derpy Hooves dead?”

“…No.”

“Then I’m fucked.”

“Yeah, no shit! You brought a cop to our meth lab! What were you thinking?”

“At least I know what day it is! And it’s worse than you think. Applejack knows that Derpy is a drug kingpin. She knows that this building is connected to the meth trade. And apparently she also knows that a few days ago nearly twenty ponies died in Cloudsdale, and Derpy somehow wasn’t one of them!”

“You know what I think, Twilight? I think y- Applejack! Hey!” Twilight quickly turned around.

“The manager said we couldn’t poke around without a warrant. We gotta come back later. Y’all find any clues on the inside?” said Applejack.

“No, no no no. Just a lot of clothes. Shame about the manager. Guess we gotta go. Bye Rainbow Dash! Hope the washing machine repair pony comes by soon!” Twilight nudged Applejack and Big Mac as hard as she could to get them out of the building. She wished that she still had telekinesis for the 20th time that week, and it was only 10:14 AM on Sunday. The first thing Applejack said after leaving the laundromat was “Sorry for being a bother, sir. It’s just my job.” Whom was she talking to? Twilight followed her out the door and her heart sank.

It was Finger Flyer. He was the so-called “manager”. Twilight and Finger made unbroken eye contact for ten unbearable seconds before Twilight needed to look away so she could see where she was walking. Applejack and Big Mac (mostly Applejack) kept talking to her as they walked back to the library, but Twilight Sparkle didn’t listen to a single word.

When she got home, Spike tried to talk to her. She hated when Spike tried to talk to her, but he was very insistent today.

“You’re back earlier than I thought you’d be. Do anything interesting?”

“No.”

“Did you… talk about anything interesting?”

“No. I’m going to go read.”

“No? She didn’t tell you anything more about murder and drug dealing? I woulda thought that would have gone somewhere. I mean, she was halfway through-“

“What do you care Spike.”

“You know, Twilight, I’m the one who asked Applejack to come over today.”

Twilight remained calm.

“Oh?” she said instead of “Kill yourself”, “and why was that?”

“Big Mac has been talking to me about, uh… Glitter… and uh, I thought you needed to hear about it. That poor mare got shot in her own home, and, and, uh…”

“Yes, yes, that’s very sad, but it doesn’t have anything to do with us. Some of us are still alive and trying to enjoy what little time we have left in quiet. Now if you’ll excuse me-“

“You really don’t care at all? About Minty? All those deaths in Cloudsdale?”

“Why the hell do you care so much about this Spike? Why can’t you just mind your own business? Why do you care about the task force all of a sudden?”

Spike paused to take a deep breath and collect himself.

“Because you’re a meth cook, Twilight.”

Twilight’s face went blank.

“…What? No, no no no. What? What are you talking about? You’re insane.”

“Twilight-“

“What? A meth cook? Huh?”

“Twilight!”

“Where do you get these things? I mean, what? No! What did you say? A meth cook? Whaaaat?”

“TWILIGHT STOP IT! STOP PRETENDING WE DON’T KNOW!”

“How did you- I mean, why would you think that?” Twilight sputtered.

“I was pretty sure since the party. I made up my mind when Rainbow Dash disappeared. We live together Twilight. Where am I supposed to think you go every day? Where am I supposed to think all this money came from? What am I supposed to think happened to your horn?”

“Well, Rainbow Dash was going spelunking-“

“SHUT UP! You’re both meth cooks! You’ve been making illegal drugs and putting yourself and others in danger! Can’t we just talk about it openly for once?”

Twilight Sparkle finally shut up for a minute. Then she spoke softly and apprehensively.

“Does anypony else know?”

Spike sighed.

“If they do they’ve been doing a good job of keeping their mouth shut. I think a lot of ponies know it but won’t admit it out loud. We still care about you Twilight. It hurts us to see you do this to yourself. You’re in danger and you won’t even admit it.”

“I know what I’m doing.” Twilight lied.

“Well so do I! And I don’t like it. Listen, if you’re in danger-“

“Would you stop saying that fucking word for one minute?” Twilight almost never swore in front of Spike. “Danger, danger, danger! What is it with you? Whom do you think you’re talking to? I am not in danger, Spike. I am the danger! Do you think I’m gonna get shot in my home like Minty? Is that what you think? You think I’m gonna end up like those two-bit Cloudsdale crackhead gangsters? Do you really think so little of me? I am NOT the pony who opens up the door and gets shot. I’m the one who knocks. I’m not a victim, Spike. I make victims.” Twilight worried she’d gone too far with those last few lines, so she finished off her spiel with “I think I’m gonna take a bath.” Then she left. Spike said nothing. The conversation hadn’t gone much worse than he’d expected it to.

Twilight spent hours in the bath, pondering how shit her life had gotten recently. Derpy was still alive, Applejack knew about the operation, Spike knew she was Glitter, and Rainbow Dash wanted nothing to do with her. She had enemies everywhere, but no friends. Things couldn’t get any worse. After she got tired of sulking, she felt the urge to do some reading. That would take her mind off things until work on Monday. Yeah, that was it. She’d read, she’d take a nap, she’d think about how she was going to deal with Derpy.

Twilight exited the bathroom to find her living room was full of armed gangsters.

Twilight smashed down against the dry grass. Her legs were tied together, and she couldn’t stand back up. The bag on her head was lifted off, and she could see Derpy with two tough-looking ponies at her sides.

“You’re fired.” Said Derpy. “It’s over. I don’t want you coming into work ever again. Don’t whinge to me about your money, you were paid in advance. You will never show your face in the laundromat again, alone or accompanied. You will not cook anymore. You will stay away from Rainbow Dash. Most importantly, you will stop trying to kill me.”

Derpy paused to let her words sink in.

“…or what?” said Twilight quietly.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

“You heard me.” Twilight looked Derpy in the eye. “Stop cooking, stay away from Rainbow Dash, or what? You’ll kill me? You can’t kill me. If you could kill me you’d do it today, right now. But you can’t, can you? You can’t do shit to me. Rainbow Dash won’t let you.”

“Listen to me very closely, Twilight Sparkle. You are alive because I promised Rainbow Dash I would terminate you peacefully. For as long as you keep your head down, I will keep my cook, Rainbow Dash will keep her employment, and you will keep your money. But if this state of affairs is proven not to be able to last, I will not waste breath trying to keep it alive. If you try to interfere with my operation again, I will kill your friends. I will kill Applejack. I will kill Pinkie Pie. I will kill the darling Rarity. I will kill sweet, precious little Fluttershy. I will kill your baby dragon. Rainbow Dash has friends and family, and so do you. If you value their lives, you will do as you are told, and stop your pathetic attempts at revenge.”

Derpy Hooves had once said that she didn’t consider intimidation to be an effective motivator. This had been a lie.

“I want to show you something before you go, just as a little demonstration.” Two earth ponies picked Twilight up and faced her towards an old mare in a wheelchair, sitting right next to a hole in the ground. A unicorn blew her head off with a shotgun, and dumped her corpse into the hole.

“I hope that clears things up.” Said Derpy, who now had a little bit of blood splattered onto her face.

Of all the mistakes Rainbow Dash had made in her life, the one she regretted most frequently was giving Applejack her spare apartment key. That pony had no concept of the sanctity of privacy. Daydrinking and masturbating until you fall asleep in the late afternoon was supposed to be sacred. An adult pony shouldn’t have to worry about being interrupted during such a ritual. And yet, Rainbow Dash was already being whisked out of her apartment, without packing anything, and being escorted by two task force ponies to Sweet Apple Acres. At first, Rainbow Dash had thought she was being raided and arrested, but the intruders had insisted that this was for her protection. Somepony had called in an anonymous tip saying that Applejack and her friends were in danger. Applejack had neither the time nor the wings to fetch Rainbow Dash herself. She was holed up at Sweet Apple Acres with about a hundred police officers and task forcies.

Rainbow Dash was the fifth of six ponies to arrive at Applejack’s house. Rarity was still en route, owing to her insistence on packing heavily. Fluttershy was in the basement, setting up air mattresses. Pinkie Pie was talking with Applejack in the kitchen. Spike was sitting in the living room talking with Applebloom.

“Hey Spike-“ said Rainbow Dash.

“She’s upstairs.” He replied brusquely, not looking in her direction. Rainbow Dash was starting to get scared of Spike recently. He’d been really curt around her recently. Today worst of all. He looked like he was ready to kill somepony.

Rainbow Dash found Twilight in Applejack’s room, pacing back and forth. She stopped and turned to Rainbow Dash the moment she entered the door.

“I know it was you.” Said Rainbow Dash.

“I had no choice.” Said Twilight, “They were going to kill Applejack. I know it. I had to take action.”

“WHAT THE FUCK? TAKE ACTION? YOU BROUGHT APPLEJACK TO THE LAUNDROMAT, YOU TIPPED OFF THE POLICE! WHAT THE FUCK IS GONNA HAPPEN NOW, TWILIGHT? Now either Derpy is gonna kill us, or Applejack is gonna find us out! Why couldn’t we just fucking go to work and do our jobs, Twilight? Why do you keep dragging us into peril over and over again? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU‽”

“That was never gonna last! I told you it was never going to last! I was fired today! It’s over! They-”

“I know. I know you were fired. I talked to Derpy Hooves about it.”

“…What?”

“She was going to kill you, Twilight. I talked her out of it. I vouched for you, that you wouldn’t do anything stupid like put the entire operation at risk and get the head cook under POLICE SUPERVISION AND HOUSE ARREST! It hasn’t even been twelve hours and you’ve already made me a liar! You couldn’t even swallow your pride for an entire afternoon! Now you’re gonna die for real, and I am too. Go fuck yourself, Twilight.”

“When was this? When did you talk?”

“This morning. Right after you left.”

“Oh my Celestia don’t you understand what’s happening? She’s turning you against me! She doesn’t want you to trust me, but you need to trust me! Just listen to me! Applejack knows! Derpy knows that Applejack knows! She wants you and me out of the picture so that she can take care of Applejack. Why do you think she’s so desperate to replace me? She told me herself she’s willing to kill any one of us for the sake of the operation! She knows she and Applejack can’t both be safe! But we can still stop her! We can stop her if we work together, but please just listen to me!”

“No. You’re on your own. I’m so sick of this shit. I can’t keep being a part of this. It’s killing me.”

“Rainbow Dash, it’s not over yet. We-“

“Goodbye, Twilight.”

Rainbow Dash wished that goodbye could have had more gravitas, but it was hard to make it count when she couldn’t leave the premises, just go downstairs.

Rainbow Dash talked to Applejack and Pinkie Pie in the kitchen for a spell, mostly about the case, in which Rainbow Dash feigned disinterest, but also quite a bit about berry picking, a topic that Pinkie Pie and Applejack both shared quite a lot of passion towards.

When Rarity arrived (fashionably late, as usual) Applejack gathered everyone together, even Applebloom, in the living room, to give them a rundown of the situation.

“I’m sorry to have to tell everypony this, but… We’re all in danger.” Everypony saw Spike give Twilight a look, but nopony dared to ask what it meant. “We received an anonymous tip a few hours ago sayin’ that an organization associated with Glitter Hawk Lips was gonna assassinate me and my closest friends tonight. All five uh y’all were mentioned by name. I think we can safely assume the reason why. We’re gettin’ closer and closer to provin’ that Derpy Hooves is the leader of the largest illegal crystal meth operation in Equestria’s history. This is obviously a last-ditch effort to protect herself. I know y’all are all very scared, but I promise y’all, we’re safe here in the police’s hooves. As for Derpy, there’s a warrant out for her arrest. The law will take care of her. Until then, we all have to stay here until the threat has passed.”

The crowd responded to this speech with mass panic and confusion. A lot of ponies started talking over each other.

“Now calm down everypony! It’s nothing we haven’t been through before. The police know what they’re doing. There’s nothing more that we can do.”

“There’s only one thing we can do.” Said Twilight. “Gather the elements of harmony.” This stunned the room into a brief silence.

“I forgot about those.” said Pinkie Pie.

“Absolutely not.” Said Applejack. “The elements of harmony are only for extreme circumstances. If we-”

“Extreme circumstances‽” said Rarity. “We are in the most extreme circumstances! Our lives are in danger!” Spike shot Twilight another look, but this time only Twilight noticed. “Twilight’s absolutely right. We need to use the elements of harmony. We should have used them a long time ago. We can’t just sit here waiting for a drug dealer to murder us! Are you crazy?”

“WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?” shouted Pinkie Pie, “LET’S SHOW THAT MAIL MARE WHAT WE’RE MADE OF!”

“We can’t use the elements on somepony without proof! It’s an abuse of power. We have to get Derpy Hooves the legal way. The right way. Princess Celestia didn’t set up this task force so we could turn ponies into stone! We’re doin’ a proper investigation, dammit, and it’s gonna end with her getting caught and going to trial. That’s the way the system works.”

“She’s right.” Said Fluttershy, “I mean… what would we even do with the elements of harmony?” Everypony clammed up until Pinkie Pie nervously said:

“…kill her?” Applejack and Fluttershy gasped.

“WHAT?” Fluttershy squeaked. “This is-this is crazy! I won’t do it!”

“Neither will I.” said Rainbow Dash.

“Well fine then.” Said Applejack. “Three outta six ain’t enough. We’re not usin’ the elements of harmony, and that’s final. Now let’s all help set the table right quick. Dinner’ll be ready soon.”

Dinner was lentil curry with stewed carrots served over rice. Dessert was apple pie. It was enjoyed by all, except Rainbow Dash, who drank too much wine and threw up before dessert was served.

On Rarity’s insistence, they all took turns keeping watch that night, even though Rarity herself couldn’t make it through her own watch and Pinkie Pie took her shift. It was extremely boring, because they were all sleeping in a basement except for the Apple family, and there was nothing to actually keep watch on. Rainbow Dash had spent the first half hour of her watch imagining a Daring Do book where the titular protagonist lost the use of her hind legs and was nursed back to health by an eccentric yet sexy nursing school dropout with only one eye. The will-they-won’t-they was about to reach its first fakeout pseudo-conclusion when Applejack opened the basement door and yelled down to her.

“Rainbow Dash! You awake?”

“Yeah, I’m up. ‘Sup?” Applejack rubbed her eyes groggily.

“Somepony’s at the door asking for you, claiming to be your lawyer. She’s been yellin’for ‘bout ten minutes now.”

Rainbow Dash jumped at the opportunity, and flew up the stairs in the blink of an eye. Trixie was indeed at the door, being restrained by two night-shift police ponies who were clearly desperate for action.

“Take your hooves off of the great and powerful Trixie this instant you swine! I’m a lawyer! I have my law degree with me and everything! I just want to speak to my client!”

“Let her go. She’s my lawyer.” Said Rainbow Dash. The police let her go and she leapt at Rainbow Dash and gave her an extremely uncomfortable hug.

“Finally!” she said, “I need to talk to you! It’s very important!” Nothing happened after she said this. “Ahem.” She said, “In private I mean.” The police didn’t leave the door so instead Rainbow Dash struggled to free herself from Trixie’s embrace and, when she finally let go, took her to the kitchen.

“Thank Celestia you’re here, Trixie. What the hell do I do?” Rainbow Dash whispered.

“I won’t lie. This is bad.” Said Trixie. “The task force is going to come down on Derpy Hooves like an anvil, and when they do, we are in deep shit. You need to do something drastic, right about right now.”

“If you came here to convince me to try and kill Derpy again, you’re wasting your breath.”

“I doubt that’ll work. She’s not much less dangerous dead than alive. Twilight wants to go that road, but as for me I’m more pessimistic. Here’s my advice.” Trixie gave Rainbow Dash a card.

“You already showed me this.” Said Rainbow Dash.

“But you didn’t take it! This time, fucking keep it! I really think you don’t have a better option than this. Leave this dimension. Your friends will be safe in the law’s hooves, you won’t.”

“Thank you,” said Rainbow Dash, pocketing the card, “but no. I’m staying with my friends, no matter what happens.”

“Whatever.” Said Trixie. “I was paid in advance. One more thing before I go, and you ought to tell this one to Twilight too when she’s awake. She told me to come over and tell you this. I have some eyes on Derpy Hooves. I know where she is. She’s in a safehouse in Las Pegasus. Here’s the address.” Trixie tore a page off a little notebook and shoved it into Rainbow Dash’s pockets with her own hooves.

“You know, we really need to have a talk about personal space, Trixie.” Said Rainbow Dash.

She spent the rest of her watch imagining the nursing school dropout cheating on Daring Do and then crying over it.

A result of the night watch system had been that nopony had gotten quite enough sleep. Everypony had coffee with breakfast, which, by the way, consisted of croissants, fried eggs, and grits. Everypony had their coffee with cream and sugar, except for Twilight, who, if possible, would have preferred to just snort the caffeine in powder form, but instead settled for a black coffee which was the next best thing, and Pinkie Pie, who preferred coffee with cream, sugar, cream, sugar, sugar, cream, and sugar to coffee with cream and sugar.

Applejack and Big Macintosh had gotten up the earliest, to prepare breakfast, but Applebloom and Granny Smith still hadn’t come down by the time everypony else had already started eating. Typical Apple family protocol would have been to wait until everpony was present, followed by saying grace to Celestia for raising the sun so that crops could grow, but the protocol was suspended this particular time because:

“Applebloom’s not joinin’ us for breakfast. She’s come down with somethin’. We think she has the flu.” Granny Smith eventually came down, but didn’t stay for long before heading back up to Applebloom’s room, bringing some apple slices and a glass of water with her.

Rainbow Dash didn’t really feel like telling Twilight about Derpy’s safehouse. She couldn’t imagine any good coming of it. It would do nothing but embolden Twilight’s lust for revenge. She considered bringing up the disappearer though, considering the only other future she could see in front of her was prison. Either way she wouldn’t be able to stay in Ponyville. There are no prisons in Ponyville. There’s only one prison in Equestria, because there’s not a lot of crime. The thought of leaving behind her friends and family filled her with a lot of anxiety. She needed a cigarette.

“You really should eat something, Applebloom.” Said Twilight, nudging the apple slice on Applebloom’s abdomen closer to her mouth.

“Ugghhh.” Said Applebloom.

“She ain’t sposta eat anythin’.” Said Granny Smith. “Feed a cold. Starve a fever.”

“That’s not true.” Said Twilight, “You’re always supposed to eat when you’re sick. Especially since she’s been throwing up so much.”

“Well that’s how we did it in the old days.” Said Granny Smith.

“Well, luckily for your granddaughter, these aren’t the old days. I think we should take her to a hospital. She doesn’t look well at all.”

“Should we really be in the same room as her?” said Fluttershy, “What if we catch something?”

“We’re older and tougher. We’ll be fine.” Said Applejack. “She needs help more than we would. I don’t think we can take her to a hospital though, not without gettin’ permission from the police. Maybe we could call a doctor over for a house call?”

“Won’t you worrywarts shut up? It’s just a fever. All she needs is a little shuteye and she’ll be good as new. I went through tougher when I was her age and it never did me any harm.” Said Granny Smith.

“I’ll believe it if I hear it from a doctor.” Said Twilight. “She needs to go to the hospital. She’s-” CRASH. Something in the hallway was audibly knocked over. Everypony turned to look at the door right before Rainbow Dash barged in Kramer-style.

“POISON!” she yelled, and flew over to Applebloom, knocking Twilight and Granny Smith out of the way roughly. “APPLEBLOOM ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” She shook Appebloom violently. Twilight and Applejack both grabbed her and yanked her away from Applebloom, who fell back onto the mattress, visibly shaken, before vomiting off the side of the bed. Fluttershy helped Granny Smith back up.

“What is wrong with you?” said Twilight. “Don’t shake her like that. She’s very sick.”

“She’s not sick she’s poisoned! It’s ricin! The- It’s-, you just gotta believe me! You gotta tell the doctors it’s ricin!”

“Slow down, Dash.” Said Applejack. “What in tarnation are you blabberin’ about?”

“Let me talk to her.” Twilight said, dragging her out of the room. Rainbow Dash barely managed to speak in a whisper the moment they were out in the hallway.

“The cigarette! It’s missing! The ricin cigarette! It’s gone, I checked again and again and again it’s definitely gone!”

“When was the last time you saw it?” said Twilight.

“What?”

“The ricin cigarette. When was the last time you saw it. When did you lose it? Did you stil have it after you came here?”

“Uh, I don’t know. The last time I checked was the last time I smoked, which was uh, yesterday morning.”

“In the laundromat?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Rainbow Dash was stuttering and moving around frantically and nervously.

Twilight paused in thought for a little bit. “Fuck, she moves fast.”

Twilight dashed back in the room and pulled Applebloom out of bed.

“She’s going to the hospital. We’ve made up our minds.” Applejack and Granny Smith tried to protest but it was pointless. Twilight and Rainbow Dash had adrenaline on their side. They were out the door and past the police with Applebloom on Rainbow Dash’s back before Fluttershy could say “Umm… excuse me?”

Twilight exposited breathlessly as she desperately tried to keep up with Rainbow Dash on foot.

“Ricin takes a lot of time to kick in. If Applebloom was poisoned, it would have had to have happened before we were put under quarantine. I sent in that tip as soon as I could, but it looks like Derpy had already made her move by the time she fired me. She was already setting things in motion. We were too late.”

“Derpy Hooves? She didn’t even know about the ricin.” Rainbow Dash responded. Neither of them cared that Applebloom could hear them.

“Yes she did. She knew we were planning to kill her. She told me herself. She knows. She probably swiped it from you while she was talking to you at the laundromat. Appebloom needs to go to the hospital right now. We don’t have a lot of time. If she was poisoned yesterday we only have a day at most to save her.”

“Why would Derpy Hooves poison her?”

“Don’t know. Maybe she was trying to poison Applejack and got the wrong pony, maybe she was trying to make Applejack angry and do something stupid, maybe she was just trying to cause chaos. Fly her to the hospital. I’ll go back and make something up. Please be quick.”

Rainbow Dash was out of sight the moment Twilight finished that last sentence. Twilight stopped, caught her breath, turned around, and ran back to the house.

Twilight had accrued quite a lot of practice lying to her friends. History’s greatest knitters would have been proud of the yarn she spun. Rainbow Dash, she explained, had found an empty vial labelled “ricin” in Applejack’s bedroom, and, thanks partly to experience she had gained from a brief but fruitful unpaid internship in a detective agency back in high school, deduced that somepony shady had broken into the house before the anonymous tip was called in and slipped some poison into Applejack’s afternoon cider. Applebloom, being an audacious and slightly naughty filly who viewed alcohol with youthful curiosity, had surreptitiously downed the cider and replaced it with a fresh glass soon after, as she had apparently done several times before. The advantage of the lie was that it didn’t require Applebloom’s account of events to corroborate it. Of course a filly would lie about underage drinking. Twilight had even broken Applejack’s bedroom window before meeting the others to deliver her story, to further add credibility to her tale.

Rainbow Dash arrived after the conclusion of the story, but before the uproar of the audience had subsided. She was a fast pony, that one. She barged into the living room, panting.

“Applebloom has been poisoned!” she said.

“We know!” said Fluttershy, “Who would have done this?”

“Are you crazy?” said Pinkie Pie, “It was Derpy Hooves! Of course it was her! She tried to kill Applejack! She poisoned Applebloom!” Pinkie Pie was slow to anger, but when she boiled over she was downright demonic. She was frothing with rage.

“She needs to die!” said Rarity. “We can’t wait around here any longer! I won’t tolerate it!”

“Y’all are right.” Said Applejack, coldly. “She’s gone too far this time. This is beyond the law. This is personal. Spike, send a letter to Princess Celestia immediately. We need the elements of harmony.”

Everypony looked at Fluttershy, except for Spike who was busy doing what he was told. Fluttershy nodded silently. Even she knew what had to be done.

Twilight had really missed having magic. It was an intoxicating feeling. It was like being on uppers. It was like a paraplegic walking again. She felt so in control. The elements of harmony conferred flight, extremely powerful telekinesis, and a grab bag of all sorts of other powers. Everything that had previously seemed so impossible was as easy as just thinking about it. It gave Twilight an incredible rush, to rip the door off Derpy’s safehouse and drag her out onto her front yard. Ponies with guns ran out to fire at them, but it was pointless. Their guns turned to stone before they could pull the trigger, and their bodies followed suit. Derpy Hooves struggled in vain against the telekinetic grip and cried out as she faced the same fate as her lackeys, and transmogrified into a stone statue, permanently baring a face of sheer panic and confusion. It was just so fucking easy.

Next, they visited the laundromat. Twilight wasted no time reducing the building to a pile of ash. Applejack protested, citing it as important evidence, but nopony listened to her. The bloodlust was overwhelming. The last thing they did before returning the elements of harmony back to Canterlot was deliver Derpy’s statue to the royal courtyard.

The remains of the laboratory were exhumed and examined by the task force, and Derpy’s house and safehouse were both raided. She was posthumously found guilty of methamphetamine trafficking. No evidence of Twilight or Rainbow Dash’s participation in the operation remained in the burning hole in the ground that had previously been the laboratory. Derpy’s top employees were arrested, found guilty, and imprisoned, except for Finger Flyer, who maintained his innocence, and was released from jail after the authorities failed to find sufficient evidence for his collaboration with Derpy Hooves. Derpy’s organization never recovered.

For her outstanding work, Applejack was awarded the celestial order, the highest honor a pony of Equestria could receive.

The statue of Derpy Hooves was shattered and destroyed the night after it arrived in Canterlot. The culprit was never found. Applebloom died the next morning.