This Secret Life of Mine

I looked at my son, he sounded different…he was tightly hugging his pillow in some vain attempt it would comfort him. I couldn’t see his eyes hidden under the bangs of his mane, which looked much longer than I remember it being. I then heard the quiet sobs and the faint shimmer of tears going down his face.

Was he crying? I’ve never seen him cry like this in years, it’s like he’s completely frightened of whatever is bothering him.

I stopped what I was doing and urged him to sit next to me on the couch. He keep crying saying I’m sorry over and over again. Not once letting go of that pillow.

“Sorry for what?” I asked, still confused by my son’s voice. He paused for a moment and moved the pillow he was clutching away from his chest. I failed to see what he was getting at, but then I noticed the two very visible bumps on his chest along with cleavage. “What!?” I exclaimed, “Silent what is…this?” Then it clicked…

“Y-You were the mare from the cafe yesterday.” I stuttered, my son just nodded without saying a word, and gave me look that wouldn’t be out of place on somepony fearing for their life. “H-How?…W-Why? W-Why would you do this to yourself?”

“...” My son just remained silent for a moment, “B-Because I-I wanted to be a mare…” I was a loss for words, was this why? All those feminine habits he picked up as a child. “It’s a spell…one I’ve been using for the past two years…” He said that so simply.

“T-Then why can’t you just undo it with another spell?” I asked. He…She just shifted uncomfortably.

“I…can’t.” She answered, after a moments pause, “I used it last night to get rid of those…feelings, and I couldn’t stay awake long enough to wait so I could cast the counter spell. I-I’ve been like this too long and now I’m stuck like this.”

“What feelings?” I inquired, he…no she lowered her head.

“T-The ones telling me I’m a mare, not a stallion.” She finally answered, trying her hardest not to break down in tears, “I-I…I-I…couldn’t help it, when I-I found out about that spell…I-I thought it would make those feelings go away…”

“...” I sat there speechless, unsure of what to even say.

“I-I tried so hard to ignore them…” She continued, “I-I tried my best to carry on like nothing was wrong…I-I even tried to find some sort of balance…” She hesitated, “I-I was fine for a while…but then…I began to spend more and more time like this…and before I knew it I had a job and a coltfriend…” A coltfriend? She must mean that pegasus from the photo.

“What about university?” I asked.

“I was still attending as a stallion…” She paused again, “but I had to register that I knew this particular spell…in the event I messed up the spell.”

“Why the hay would they teach you such a spell?” I asked angrily, this didn’t make any sense, “This spell is clearly dangerous.”

“I met the qualifications to...” She answered simply, “It’s a basic enchantment, and the spell takes no real effort to cast. The challenge of the spell comes from knowing how to cast it correctly with out mistakes and knowledge of what you want changing. It’s a basic shape shifting spell that’s based off what the changelings can do. Simple alteration magic…that’s why there’s anatomy books on the shelves over there.”

“Just how…complete is this change?” I inquired, dreading the answer.

“...” She hesitated, “I-I can go through anything a mare can Mom…” She paused again, “I’m a mare in every sense of the word.”

She looked at me teary eyed. My…daughter looked so frightened, a stark contrast to the mare I saw yesterday at the cafe. Then something clicked…

“That would explain all the times I caught you with my make up…and oh dear Celestia…” She winced at my realisation, “It isn’t just the spell…this has been going on since you were a colt.” She just held her pillow closer to her as she slowly nodded.

“Who else knows…” I hesitated to ask, but I needed to know.

“Outside you, and the head of student relations…” She paused, “only my closest friends Vani, Hazel and Cori, my boss and my coltfriend Frost.”

I sighed, there must be something I can do to calm my…daughter. Ah maybe that would work.

“Tell me about him.” I asked. She blinked, and soon spoke up with a small smile.

“He’s…amazing,” She started, “We first met at university…and then at the cafe were I work…when I was a mare…soon after we started dating, then…” She started blushing.

“WHAT!?” I leapt up from my seat and shrieked, “YOU’RE A COLTCUDDLER!?”

“I-I’m bi…” She corrected nervously, “I-I’ve known for a while…”

“...” I just stood there not even knowing what to say. I took a moment to regain my composure, “It’s Friday right? Get dressed we’re going to see a doctor. We clearly need to get you checked out at the very least.” My…daughter nervously nodded and went to her bedroom to get changed.

“She must hate me…” I muttered, the silence of my room was deafening, “and now she wants me to see a doctor.” I sighed, “Maybe it’s for the best.”

I took my time to do my mane and make up, I picked out a pink lace bra and panties. Fastening the clasps of my bra, I walked over to my wardrobe and decided on a pale blue summer dress, a black choker and some matching 1 inch heels.

“Are you nearly ready yet?” I heard Mom shout impatiently. I opened the door and stepped out. She had taken a step back in shock when she saw me…

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, before me was my…daughter wearing a pale blue summer dress that hugged her figure ended mid-thigh, matching 1 inch heels, a black choker, a silver necklace and a matching bracelet. Her mane was tied back in a loose ponytail, and her face was lightly made up. She had decided on some mascara that was a darker shade blue compared to her fur, some black eye liner and a light pink lipstick that shimmered faintly in the light.

“H-How do I look?” She asked nervously, her blush deepening. I sighed and gave a wry smile.

“You must have had so much practice to do your make up this well…” As much as I hated to say it, my son did make a beautiful mare. “Come on, lets get you to the doctor.”

The journey to the doctors was a quiet one, the only thing breaking the silence of the walk there was soft clicking of my heels as I walked and the murmurings of passers by that I recognised as other students of my university, a few being from my own class.

My mother was well known amongst some of the staff at the university due to being in the same classes as she was when she was my age.

“Is that Silent?” I heard one ask her friend.

“Wait isn’t that the mare who served us at the cafe the other day?” The questions continued as we walked by. The journey there was thankfully short.

The doctors was exactly how you would imagine it, clean, organised and well clinical. The only thing breaking the monotone was the occasional plant that decorated the foyer.

“Hello how can I help you today?” The nurse at the reception asked.

“Yes I would like to have somepony take a look at my…son here.” Mom gestured at me, I frowned at how she referred to me. “It would appear my son has gotten himself stuck like this using some spell he was taught.”

“What’s her name and I’ll book you in.” The nurse looked at me and gave me a small apologetic smile.

“I-It’s Sapphire Shine.” I answered, Mom frowned again.

“No it’s Silent Passion.” She corrected impatiently. The nurse gave my Mom a disapproving look.

“Alright I’ve booked Ms Shine, the doctor will see you with in the next half an hour.” We took the appointment ticked and sat down in the waiting area.

“Why did you out me like that Mom!” I asked, Mom turned to me looking cross, “I know you heard some of the ponies talking about me on the way here.”

“Well there’s no point of hiding it now is there?” She countered, “They’ll soon find out anyway when you go back to your class tomorrow. Why did you answer with that false name anyway?”

“B-Because that is my name.” I answered back sharply, “It’s what’s written down in my records…including my medical ones.”

“It’s in your records!?” She responded angrily, I nodded.

“I had to…” I continued, “in the event of this happening. How do you think I was able to get a job or go on campus grounds without anypony stopping me.”

The rest of the waiting was done in an uneasy silence between us.

“Ms Sapphire Shine?” The doctor asked, I nodded, “This way please.”

The good doctor was a tall stallion, brown fur, black mane, beard and tail, green eyes that were hidden behind some stylish sunglasses, aside from that he wore the typical doctor’s attire. He led us into his office, sat down at his desk and gestured us to take a seat.

“Now Ms Shine what seems to be the problem.” He asked.

“I used the gender shifting spell and…I fell asleep while I was waiting for the 1 hour cool down for the counter spell. I’m stuck like this because I slept in this body for more than 8 hours.” I answered truthfully.

“Why did you feel the need to cast the spell before falling asleep.” He inquired, a brow raised in curiosity.

“...” I hesitated, “I was in the shower, and…those feelings of being uncomfortable in my male body came back. I used the spell so the feelings would go away and not worry my Mom.”

“Some idea that was….” Mom added sarcastically.

“Mrs Gleam…” The Doctor spoke up, giving my mother a stern look “Your daughter’s dysphoria is no laughing matter.”

“Well couldn’t it be a side effect of that spell she was using too much?” She countered.

“The spell doesn’t cause symptoms like that.” He answered, “I trust she’s already explained how the spell works to you?” Mom nodded.

“Well I want to know is why he was allowed to learn it!” Mom said flatly, clearly angry at the situation.

“Because your…pardon me Ms Shine…son went through all the procedures required of her to allow access to be even taught it.” He explained.

“What procedures?” She asked.

“The mandatory therapy required to allow her access to the spell for treatment.” Mom looked horrified.

“T-Therapy…” She stuttered in shock, “B-But my son has always been the picture of mental health, why would he need therapy?”

“...” I looked away ashamed, “I-I wanted to know why I was feeling the way I was…I-It was getting…bad.”

“Ms Shine are you okay with your mother looking at your medical file.” The doctor asked, I nodded. He got up and typed up something on the office computer, after a brief pause he turned the screen to face my mother.

“Just, what am I looking at here?” She asked confused.

“In simple terms, it’s the records of your daughter’s physical and mental health, and how many times she’s been here to this hospital in the past two years.” He answered, Mom remained silent as she read through my record.

“Let’s see…” She muttered, “oh my…treated for self harm, bouts of depression…was recommended to see therapist. Therapist diagnosed the self harming and depression was due to bouts of dysphoria…Oh there’s more…”

“Oh no…” I muttered blushing.

“A pregnancy examination!” Mom looked at my furious, “Silent what the hell!?”

“...” I could feel my blush deepen, “I-I panicked after Frost told me he didn’t have protection…and…I was too drunk to use my magic for a contraceptive spell.”

“I-I raised you better than this!” She screamed, “I didn’t raise you to be some little hussy who got knocked up in her teens!”

“I-I’m not a hussy!” I shrieked back, tearing up, “I-I don’t sleep around! At least not with anyone outside my herd!” Mom looked at me speechless, she wasn’t used to me firing back at her like that.

“A herd!?” She gave me stern look, “I-I just don’t know were to even begin…”

“Is it really that surprising?” The doctor spoke up, “Herding is fairly common in Sapphire’s age group. I know open relationships aren’t exactly well thought of, but it is fairly normal for some relationships to start out like that or become one.”

“Just how many in this herd?” She asked me bitterly.

“Four,” I answered simply, “Myself, Frost, Vani and Cori…my co-workers in other words. We’re only a herd in the loosest term of it anyway.”

“What?” Mom looked at me confused.

“In other words, Vani and Cori only join me and Frost from time to time.” I explained further, “Vani and Cori are friends with benefits, while Frost is my significant other.”

“...” Mom looked at me, “Just how much have you kept from me…”

“That’s everything…” I answered back, “The past two years I’ve been going to university as a stallion and at my job or my free time I’ve been living as a mare.” Mom sighed, and looked to the doctor.

“Is there anything you can do to reverse this?” She pleaded.

“Sadly there isn’t.” He replied solemnly, “Your daughter is stuck as she is for the rest of her life. What has happened to her if fairly common occurrence to ponies who are allowed to learn the gender shift spell. Sapphire even signed the required paper work, that she understood the potential risks and dangers of using this spell.”

“...” Mom just looked down at the floor, unsure of what to say.

“M-Mom?” I asked, “Mom it’ll be okay…I’ll manage.”

“Silent…no Sapphire…” Mom spoke up, “You know I have some…opinions about ponies like yourself, but just give me some time. I’m going to pack my things and take the first train home.”

“M-Mom…” It was all I could get out before she walked out the office. After a moment of silence the doctor asked if I was going to be alright.

“...” I paused, “I-I’ll be fine. She just needs time.”

I got back home an hour later…Mom was already long gone. Most likely already on the train back to Ponyville. It was quiet, not something I wasn’t used to already but this was a different kind of quiet…the kind that screamed I was all alone.

“A note?” I picked it up curious, unfolded it and began to read.

Dear…Sapphire,

I’m sorry but I have to leave. I know you’ll have some tough times ahead in regards to your new situation, but with every thing I’ve learned you kept hidden from me…I just can’t even look at you right now…I don’t hate you, you know I love you…it’s just this is too much for me. Please just give me some time and…come home when you’re ready to talk, and bring your coltfriend as I want to meet the stallion, who my…daughter has fallen for.

Love Mom.

I read through the note again and again…and I broke down crying. As soon as I calmed myself down enough I picked up my phone and called Frost…I didn’t want to be alone right now.