Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

The morning-

“Breakfast is readyyy!~” -Hit me upside the head like a brick when somepony’s mom flung open the attic door.

I groaned as hard and loud as my barely conscious self was able. “It's too earlyyyy…” I whined rolling away from the source of the noise. An entire night of getting my ass handed to me by the dream goddess left me physically refreshed, but mentally exhausted. I almost managed to hit her too.

“The power may still be out but my sundial says it's ten AM. I’ve let you and your friends sleep plenty late. Plus you’ve got a busy day ahead of you.”

“But Sweeeepyyy…” I whined louder pulling the pillow over my head, weakly kicking at the blanket over me like it would conjure more blankets to bury me.

Button's mom sighed. “You’re just like my son. I’ll give you five minutes to roll down the stairs with the rest of your friends, but if you fall back asleep I can and will drag you out of that bed~” by the goddesses, Is this what moms do?!

“Okay, you win.” I groaned sitting up and feeling so many different pops I wondered if I suddenly got old. “Why’s Button’s got such a nice bed anyways? This is like..” I sleepy blinked down at the green sheets. “The biggest…softest bed I’ve ever been in.”

Cream Heart giggled a bit. “You should see the one my husband and I got for our room. They were on sale when we hit them with the military discount, they were practically free. I’ll have Button’s show you where the store is after we pick him up.”

She departed down the stairs leaving me the suffer from the beams of sunlight peeking around the curtains. After much pain, suffering, and dragging myself out of bed I rolled down the stairs.

Literally. “Ah- Shit! Fu- aghh! Ahh Mare fu- mother- Ah, Ow! Ow! Ow! Sweet bucking Luna- ahh!” I hit the bottom of the staircase as a crumpled pile of Sketchy. “Owwwww…” I twitched. On the bright side, I was awake.

“That first step’s a doozie sweetie, be careful~” Called Button’s mom from the door to her backyard where from my ass-over-head position I could see her handling a frying pan over a small fire.

My day just started and I was already done with it, I was prepared to lay here until tomorrow came along to make it go away.

I heard hooves on the steps above me. “I know it's fall Sketchy but… ehh too easy.” Lucy sighed as she stepped over me and made her way to the kitchen table. She walked with a slight limp and severe bedhead. That or the fall gave me a concussion.

“You uhh…need help?” Moonstone asked from the steps above, his gear ready, looking pristine as always.

“No…” I groaned finally flopping onto my side and rolling myself upright feeling my back pop. “Owww…”

Moonstone stepped by me. “You sure? After a fall like that and all the crunchy sounds you’re giving off I'd want somepony to carry me to Tenpony Tower on a stretcher.”

“I’m good..” I answered watching Button’s mom slide Lucy a chipped tea cup with a doting smile and headpat. “What about Lucy? Why’s she limping?”

With a brief cough, she answered. “Oh don’t worry about me dear, I just… rolled my ankle getting out of the bed is all. Too used to cots and sleeping bags you see.” she nodded assuredly continuing to drink the provided tea.

“Yeah, I can see it.” I plopped myself at the table with a yawn, taking off my glasses to wipe a smudge off on the table cloth “How’d you guys sleep? That thumping was pretty loud right?”

I did not expect Lucy’s answer to this question to be hot tea getting spewed in my face from across the table. “What?!”

“My eyes!!” I flailed falling from my seat and holding my face. It was all over my glasses, my mane, and most painfully- “You sprayed it in my eyes! Why!?” I rolled in ocular agony. It smelled good but it stung like hell.

Moonstone was quick to pass me a old napkin to rub my eyes but a very blurry Lucy had her forehooves on the table. “What thumping? What are you talking about?!” Sounding so defensive.

“From the bats!” I answered rubbing my eyes and getting my wet glasses back. “All those fat blind deaf bat things that kept slamming into the house walls all night!”

“We didn’t hear any..” Lucy started.

“Yeah cause you two argue so goddess damn loud you could wake the dead!” My vision cleared up at least but my glasses still dripped with translucent brown.

Moonstone answered this time. “O-Oh you mean those bats! Right right uhh... Yeah, they were keeping us up all night, but we uhh... Ahem.” he coughed into a hoof and leaned in a bit. “Best not mention the ‘thumping’ around Lucy. It’s a uhh… sensitive topic for the Enclave. Something to do with ermm… Rad-Eagles and some kind of historical military blunder.” he lifted his head away. “I-Isn’t that right Lucy? Always remember the rad-eagle incident right?” he smiled…or at least I think it was a smile.

“Right… The rad eagles. Such a terrible terrible incident for the entire Enclave.” Lucy nodded along. “We can still hear the ‘thumping’ of the beaks against the hulls. Many brave pegasai…died…horribly.”

As horrible as that is for them why didn't anypony tell me the Enclave was so sensitive about its history? “My eyes hurt…”

“Apologies..” Lucy apologized for once in her life and quickly finished off what little remained of her tea.

“Who’s hungry?” chimed Button’s mom as she came in through the backdoor frying pan handle between her teeth.

Breakfast was about as pan-seared, fried, and toasted as one could get with a campfire. Apple slices, canned fruit, Toast, carrots, scrambled eggs, and 4 different kinds of jelly. I didn't even know jelly came in any flavor but apple! It was the widest range of food groups I'd seen in one place since I left the stable. I'd never had eggs before, but it was just like the meat, all soft, gooey, and warm… and violently having pre-war ketchup packets put on it!

In the brief moments I wasn’t stuffing my face like a starved radroach I got glimpses out the kitchen window into the back yard. Cream Heart had a whole garden back there, greenery! The fenced-off area filled with rows of bushes, sprouts, flowers, and herbs.

I'd have to harass her about growing stuff in the wasteland if the survival guide didn't already have a section about it. There’s a distinct lack of tatos in her garden though.

“So how is it? It's been a while since I’ve had to cook for anypony but Buttons.” Cream-Heart asked looking over the table of happy lil ponies gobbling breakfast.

“Ish great!” I said between a mouthful of eggs.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full dear. Ponies still have manners.” Lucy scolded much to my well-earned squint and desire to stab a pega with a fork.

“It's very nice Mrs Heart.” Moonstone nodded being ever the bastion of civility.

“Glad to hear it. Now I know you kids have very active social lives and need to get ready for that party you mentioned. But could I ask you a favor?” She suggested with a faintly awkward pleading smile.

“What uhh... What kind of favor?” Moonstone asked being the only pony without eggs in his mouth. My eyes looked between the two as they talked.

Looking a little more hopeful. “Oh nothing much, I figured since it was Saturday you might be able to help me pick buttons up from his roleplaying thing. Aaand maybe help pull my autowagon to the shop?”

Lucy side-eyed a little. “Wasn’t yesterday Saturday- Oof!” The table rattled as a certain mare got kicked in the shins by a bigger male-er pony.

“Oh uhh..” Moonstone broke out that smile and scratched his mane a bit. “We’d love to help but uhh..” This wasn’t part of his usual script, it wasn't smooth, he was improvising. She hasn’t done this before…

To be fair, She did let us crash here, and fed us… twice! And given I currently had a fork in my mouth I’d been sufficiently bribed to accept just about anything. I looked at Moonstone intensely enough to catch his attention and did little nods at the food, then at Cream-heart, and then squinted at him. Pony sign language at its finest. Mmm..egg…

“We’d…love to help.” he nodded, slipping back into character. “I mean, how else could we repay you for all your lovely cooking and hospitality? How uhh.. How far away is the mechanic?” He asked, ears flattening a bit in trepidation.

“Wonderful, The autoshop is only about a 10-minute drive from here. We can pick Buttons up along the way. You kids finish eating while I go get my purse, I’ll take care of the dishes when we get back.” She hummed making her way up the creaky staircase.

Once out of eyesight, Lucy turned to Moonstone. “Did you seriously just kick me? It’s Sunday isn’t it?!” She protested tapping on her pipbuck. “And what did you just volunteer us for? We were supposed to go to the refugee camp today.”

“Shh!” Moonstone tried to shush her.

“Don’t you shush me. I’m-”

Moonstone cut her off in a loud whisper. “She doesn’t know that! The whole point is that she doesn't know that. I thought you might have caught on by now that she still thinks it’s October 23rd! The day the bombs dropped. Ring any bells miss history major?”

“First off, I said it was a bachelors in art history. Art! Paintings, literature, statues, museums! Not that you’d appreciate the difference you savage! And secondly, You. Kicked. Me!” She pointed.

He facehoofed. “I’ll kick you harder next time you jeopardize my favorite bed and breakfast by correcting the ghoul stuck in a time loop!” he hissed.

I don’t wanna lose this bed and breakfast! I’d kill a mare to keep sleeping in that bed upstairs!...okay maybe not ‘kill’. More beat a mare with a bat… a wiffle bat... For an hour.

The hoofsteps came back down the stairs and everypony got their act back together with pleasant smiles and cheerful youth attitudes. “Everypony ready to go? There’s this ice cream place we can visit while the mechanic works on my autowagon if you're interested.”

Ice cream?! Ice cream is real?! Screw falling down the stairs and getting tea spit in my eyes! This was going to be a great day! I sprang from my seat. “Let’s Gooooo!!”

***

This… was not a great day.

“Hot! Hot! Hoot!!!” I flailed in the backseat of Cream-Heart’s rusted-out autowagon putting the fires on my foreleg out! Repeatedly kicking the giant ant crawling through the back window with my hinds.

Lucy was equally effective in deterring the fire-breathing monster by whacking it with a broomstick. “You just had to say something didn't you?!”

“All I asked was why there weren't any raiders around here!” Patting the fire out I gripped my flintlock from the back-seat floor and aimed at the hissing pony-sized ant. Dodging some flaming dribble, I pulled the trigger and burned a new hole through its head and the roof of the wagon.

Lucy shoved the corpse out the window letting it roll off the trunk, quickly subsumed by the growing swarm of ants following behind us. They were slow, really slow, but still faster than the crawl Moonstone maintained pulling us along. “This miraculous one mile an hour is really great Moonstone, but maybe we could Go faster than the ants?!”

“I’m trying!” Heaved the stallion at the front of the autowagon, pulling the harness with all his might. Moonstone wasn’t faring too well, panting heavily, gritting teeth, and straining to pull the rust bucket along. The 10-minute drive’ had turned into a half-hour slog just to get up a hill!

Then came the ants! “I fucking hate ants! I hate em! Hate! Hate! Hate!!” They started coming out of the ruins about ten minutes ago and it's been a nonstop stream of ‘em ever since. I plowed through spark batteries having to crank my flintlock to capacity just to hurt them. Ducking under gouts of flame between shots and only ever breaking to reload or put myself out again. “Haaaate!!!” I screeched firing aimlessly into the swarm.

Button’s mom was… Less concerned about the ants than we hoped. “That’s that Los Pegasus heat for you, cooking alive in October. Hopefully the line at Spiffy’s (the ice cream place) isn't too long.” She was oblivious to the swarm of fire-breathing ants behind us, and that her autowagon was being repeatedly set on fire.

“Why do neither of you…ughh…have a grenade?” Moonstone panted. His powerful hind legs wobbling from the strain, his mane falling ragged.

“The Enclave doesn't hand out grenades 'cause they aren't replaceable,” Lucy replied whacking one of the smaller ants off the passenger side door with her now-burning broomstick.

“And I’ve never seen one!” I added blowing a hole in another before ducking under another spout of flame washing across the underside of the autowagon’s roof. Good thing the upholstery rotted away centuries ago. Rust can’t burn without aluminum! Woo, chemistry! Another ant tried crawling through the rear driver window next to me. I promptly stuck my flintlock in his mouth and blew and lengthwise hole in him, yelling “Haaate!” as it slumped off the door.

“We're almost to the top of the hill Moonstone. You should be able to take a break once we start coasting down. I’ll feather the breaks so we don't hit anypony.” Cream-Heart smiled.

Lucy was progressively running out of broomstick to beat the ants with. “Why are we even doing this?! This is crazy!”

“Cause it’s the right thing to do!” I protested shooting another ant, unable to appreciate how it exploded into a shower of white ichor and limbs. “Can’t you fly around and distract them?!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me! There’s no way I’m risking getting wing burned by a bunch of bugs! I’d be grounded for weeks!”

“You’re gonna be grounded for life if we don’t get over that hill!” I waved my hooves in exclamation. “This is not the kind of hot I want to be!”

Cream Heart hummed along to whatever song she thought her long-dead radio was playing. “Trust me dear, most mares don't need to worry about being hot. You’re plenty cute as is. Boys love nerdy mares like you. And the glasses? Icing on the cake sweetie~”

I paused while another gout of flame flew above my head. “Huh… that's… the first time I've heard that in a positive context…I don't know how to process this.” I blinked staring at what remained of the back seat. “Huh…”

“Trust me I used to be one. Still am.” She added looking up at her shattered rear-view mirror. “And look at me now? Happily married a nerd and my son is a nerd. Never would have happened if I hadn’t gone to that pong tournament when I was 16… kids these days still play pong right?”

“We- Ahh!” I flailed as flames briefly washed over me and I had to pat them out. This was a BAD time to be having an emotional revelation. There were ants to kill!

“Oh dear did I just age myself? What about Pack-mare? Or Galaxia? Or…oops eyes on the road Cream-heart, You’re not that old yet.” she chuckled to herself while I rolled on the floorboard. Burning!

Doused again I stood. “There’s too many of them to get out and push, but we're almost there.” I could see the hilltop, but the bulk of the ant swarm was getting closer, we just can’t kill them fast enough with one gun.

Lucy looked at her charred stick and bit her lip. “I uhh.. Mmm..” whatever it was she was super hesitant about the idea.

“Spit it out! I’m open to anything at this point!” I flailed beating a small ant with the butt of my flintlock until it fell off.

Lucy gulped. “I have something that’ll help but.. Normally there’s a whole bunch of medical checks for allergies and consent forms and-”

“I don’t care!” I yelled bucking an ant in the chin just in time to kick its fire breath up into the autowagon’s ceiling. “Hot! Hot! Hooot!” I cried pulling my smoking hoof away.

After much hesitation and looking between everypony and the swarm behind us, she relented. “Don't say I didn’t warn you!” Lucy dug around in her saddlebags and pulled a syringe out with her wing.

“What’s tha- Oww!” She jabbed me in the flank and with a little hiss a rush of cold swept over the limb. “Did you just stab me-” The cool sensation rapidly spread over the rest of my body and turned into a sort of warmth. A sweet…sweet euphoria intertwined with an equal and seemingly opposite sensation… RAGE! And I’m gonna tear somepony’s head off! I looked straight at Lucy with an intensity that made her recoil. “Gimmie that!” I barked taking the charred broomstick in my forehooves.

“Ahh!!” I drove the impromptu crispy spear through the nearest ant and proceeded to use the stick as leverage to fling him over the swarm.

The army briefly stopped to watch the yeeted ant’s flight path into the back of the crowd before looking at me again and resuming their march.

“Come and get some!!” I swung the wagon door open bashing the closest ant with it until its face splattered white over the hull and went limp. I felt immortal, like a god!... an angry god~

My chest was thundering, my blood racing, and my horn firing my flintlock as fast as I could crank it, while my hooves kept busy with the spear. A flurry of impaling ants and dodging around flames… and did I mention beating an ant to death with another ant?

I barely had time between the wonton violence and bliss to notice Lucy flying out of the autowagon to push on the roof. She even doubled its speed, a whole 2 miles per hour!

Only mildly on fire, I stabbed another ant! “I hate ants! Haaate!” and I kept stabbing ant after ant. The ones close enough to bite me stung like hell but they were the first to get blown apart by my flintlock. By the time a set of pinion feathers grabbed me and pulled me back in the wagon, I had quite the ant ka-boob going. “Kill! murder! maim! kill! murder! maim!!” I flailed trying to get back out there to continue the slaughter. My flintlock put a few new holes in the roof as I kept firing.

Gravity shifted as a 4th pone joined us in the auto-wagon. Moonstone! Panting in the front passenger seat while the vehicle kept rolling on its own. Everything moving outside the windows gained speed by the second. The ants losing interest now that we were faster than a roided-out snail.

“What's wrong with her?” panted Moonstone looking back over his shoulder at me still flailing and trying to murder the nearest thing with more than 4 legs.

“I…” Lucy was hesitant to say as she did her best to hold me down. “May have given our darling Sketchy here an itty bitty dose of rage.”

“You gave her rage!?” He exclaimed fully turning to face us. “What is wrong with you?!”

“It was an emergency!” Lucy protested. “And she should be coming down any second now.”

My flailing intensified “I'll never come down, For I am a god of war! The ants have insulted me and I shall wear their queen as a bathrobe! I Shall…take note that this god of war is..getting… kinda sweepy…”

“There she goes~ Down from murder heaven already.” Lucy pointed out shaking me a little as I panted…and smoldered from all the fires I put out. “It only lasts about 25 seconds.”

“That’s not the point and you know it!” Moonstone’s voice started to fade away, echoey, and wobbly. He and Lucy’s words melded together and hooves were pointed at each other. I went to blink and…Zzz….

***

“We’re here!” my eyes shot back open at the faintly rasped chime of Cream-Heart’s voice.

I sat back up looking around. “Where?..” I saw Moonstone and Lucy looking rather worried out the passenger side windows.

Across the street from a line of collapsed storefronts, a wide open field lay tucked behind the remains of a fence. Signposts of varying age and literacy gave the same warning, Ghouls. A copious amount of ghouls. A ridiculous amount of strangely armored ghouls shambled about occasionally pairing off to weakly swinging makeshift weapons at each other. “The War fields..danger... Crazies... Ferals.. zombies…” I read some signs aloud. The place was aptly named as among rusted hoofball posts it looked like a battle of the ancient times started here and simply never ended.

“Are you sure buttons is here Mrs Cream Heart?” Moonstone asked looking back to our gracious host.

She nodded. “Certainly, Buttons likes to come out here and play with his friends on the weekend. He usually sets up his little command post on the hill back there.” She pointed. “a ‘daimyo’ must have his height advantage after all.” she air quoted and giggled a bit. “Would one of you be a dear and go fetch him?”

"Why did it have to be the War-Fields…” Moonstone groaned watching the agonizingly slow battle. “Ferals.. So many ferals... And they're all armored too.” he mumbled glaring at the situation.

Lucy glanced around the interior of the cabin. “Don’t look at me... I uh... Just got my hooves done.” She smiled sheepishly. “I'd hate to waste all the parlor's work after all.”

I squinted up at her long and hard before looking back to Button’s mom. “I uhh…”

She still had the gentle motherly smile and did a little ‘get going’ nod with her head non-verbally nudging me along.

“Fiiiine…” I groaned crawling my way out of the wagon. “I’ll go look for him….but if his friends get.. ‘Upset’ “I emphasized looking at Lucy and Moonstone. “Somepony better come save me before they ‘eat me aliiiive.”

“You’ll be fine~” Cream Heart waved. “LARPing has rules about outsiders in the play area. It’s just a big game of pretend for adults. I remember this one time when-” She got engrossed in her own story getting Moonstone to nod along.

Looking for a path AROUND the field of death I took note of the situation. Literal notes… whipping out my archive to get a doodle of this hazard. That was part of my job, right? The scattered mass of ghouls was concentrated in the flat area between two hills littered with debris. Atop the hill his mom pointed at should be Button-mash… or at least his corpse given the countless bones poking out of the grass. None of the ghouls ventured beyond the fence, to the degree that even the ones that could easily see us ignored our presence, but I had a feeling whatever communal brain damage they were suffering gave them the stipulation to never leave the ‘battle’. There were two teams, On the left were ponies wearing leather vests, horned helmets, and scrappy axes… on the right, Button’s side, were ponies wearing some kind of armor made of small woven plates, flared helmets made of colanders, and swinging rusty curved swords in their mouths. Kinda like the Neighpon posters in Button’s Room.

“Okay..” I snapped the book shut. “I get the feeling if I just charge in there I’ll get eaten alive… and as appetizing as Sketchy jerky sounds, I want to live. Especially for that ice cream... I just gotta find Button-Mash… In there… with all the death… where he’s probably dead. And I have no idea how his mom is gonna take that…shit..” my heart wavered. Why did I let us get looped into this? Cream Heart is already so mentally broken she’d probably snap if we said her son died 200 years ago. I looked at the field, then back at the car, then the field. “Oh, Buuuuck meee! Please be alllive!!” I whined to the heavens and trotted forth.

Fortunately, two tiny princesses in ninja costumes pointed off to the side of the field gaving me an idea. “I can… just go around?” The tiny princesses nodded with beaming smiles. Pointing energetically towards the back of the hill where there weren’t any ghouls. “You tiny geniuses! That’s perfect! I’ll just sneak up the back!”

“Please be alive, please be alive, please be aliiiive…” I repeated below my breath as I took a page from the great book of B-Rad! Skitter in the grass! My patent pending rad-roach skitter kept me low in the grass so my head was just barely out of view. From above I probably looked like an orange dot wandering her way across a waving canvas of amber grain… err..grass.

Crunch~!

I froze with a meep as a bone crunched under my hoof. I looked down to see countless bones tangled in the grass. How many ponies died here over the centuries I may never know… but I’ll be damned if I’m going to end up like these ponies scattered to the winds with… teeth... Marks. Fuuuuuu-

The crunch had drawn the attention of some of the battling ghouls near the edge of the horde. With a rusty colander on his head, a broken blade poking out his shoulder, and half his face peeled off, he scanned for me. He barked, gurgled, and growled looking around, sniffing at the air with his missing nose.

‘Maybe If I held perfectly still… he won’t come over here?’ I thought watching, waiting, and panicking when he started trudging over. I was gonna get spotted, and then eaten alive! And then eaten unalive! Would I come back as a ghoul? Is that how zombies work?! Panic!

He only got a few steps before my gray ass was saved. Another ghoul. One of the horned helmet ones, sensing weakness, had trudged and weakly konked the previous ghoul over the head with her axe barely rasping the word. “Point~”

I blinked In disbelief as the other ghoul turned and rasped. “Honorless… curr…” before struggling to swing his sword… handle.

‘I’m safe? I’m saved? Thank the bucking goddesses probably watching over me right now with B-Rad!’

There was no time to lose! I skittered ahead careful-er this time, tippy-hoofing around the bones. The back of the hill was unguarded, or at least the ‘guards’ died long..LONG ago if the scattered gear was any testament.

Atop the hill were the long-rotted remains of tents, and wooden fortifications. Wispy remains of flags and banners waved like ghosts in the wasteland breeze. Barricades, embankments, crates, and even the remains of a tower had all succumbed to the all-powerful decay of time. Still, I wasn't truly alone up here, next to a table buried in faded papers, and sunbleached figurines was a pony looking over the ‘battle’. But not just any pone, one clad head to hoof in battered black lacquered lamellar highlighted with blues and golds. A much more refined version of the foot-soldiers colander helms, with a great golden crest atop the forehead resembling an ornate ‘A’.

A voice, powerful and deep, scarred by 200 years of undeath broke the silence. “It has been ages since a worthy challenger braved my fortifications to face me. Do you believe yourself strong enough? Worthy enough to defeat the general of your sworn rivals? Many have tried, many more have failed, and all were sent home to herald the lamentations of their mares! For I am undefeated! For I am great! For I am-”

Just as was about to turn around one of the soldier ghouls ran onto the scene yelling. “General! An interloper was spotted sneaking around back-”

“AHH!!” I screamed, not squealed like a filly, screamed! Anypony who says otherwise is a liar! I’d been so engrossed in the general’s dramatic entrance that I didn’t notice the one running up the hill. One flick of the TK and my flintlock blew a booming hole clean through the new ghoul. I’d be amazed I hit him from over 10 feet away if I wasn’t still screaming.

The new ghoul looked down at the hole carved in her torso before she gave one last bloody gasp. “P-point…” and collapsed.

There was a long pause between me and the general looking at the slain ghoul messenger… not to mention the whole battlefield was now looking up at the hill in silence having paused the fight.

What could I do, what could I say, do I just start running? This other ghoul seemed far more dangerous and coherent than the rest. What were the rules?! Nopony ever invited me to board games as a kid! “Uhhhh…” I looked around the scene a bit more. “Game?”

[Success!] Suddenly in a voice far less deep, passionate, and powerful than his intro speech. “Awww shit really? But the battle was just getting goood!” he whined pointing a hoof out over the battlefield. “If I’d known their score was rising that fast I’d have sent my dragon cavalry in ages ago!” he huffed quickly looking me over. “And why didn’t that jackass Buttershoe tell me we were allowing time traveler rules?! That’s bucking unfair and she knows it!”

I blinked just trying to absorb what I just heard. Sweet Celestia, they were still playing the game!? “Whaaaa….”

In the meantime, the general went back to where he was standing, picked up a traffic cone with a handle, and yelled. “Hey asshole!”

The whole battle looked over at him, while on the opposite hill another shambling yellow uni-ghoul with glittering golden shoes and a helmet with cartoonishly large horns picked up a matching cone. “What is it now General dick-igawa?”

“Firstly it's General Ponigawa you uncultured swine! And secondly, Did you really try gaming the time traveler and assassin rules again?!” He yelled back pointing at me.

“I don’t know who that is! I thought she was one of yours. If I’d known we were using the time traveler rules I'd have brought my techno-vikings!” she replied while the horde looked to and fro.

“What do you mean you don’t know who she is?! She’s not one of mine! And-” he looked back at me still speaking through the improvised megaphone. “Who are you with?”

I held my ears before swiping the cone from him and yelling back. “I’m not with anypony! I’ve never even been here before! Button’s mom sent me here to pick him up and I’ve had a long day! So tell me where he is before I shove this cone up somepony’s ass!”

“Ahh geez, no need to yell. I’m right here.” the general winced. With all the slow motion I can describe for a grand reveal, he removed his helmet to rub his ears. A brownish stallion with a caramel orange mane and puff of beard on his chin. I’d have guessed he was around my age if it wasn’t for the ghoulification. Patches of missing coat and exposed muscle here and there, but he was about as well preserved as- “You said my mom sent you?”

I dropped the cone “Celestia’s titanic tits you’re alive..”

“Corse Im alive, What did you think, I got hit by an autowagon?” he rolled his eyes.

Hit by a balefire bomb more like it. “With how long it took to find you?...yes.” I squinted. “Your mom told me to come get you. She’s waiting, I’m waiting, were all waiting.” I pointed down at the edge of the field where our auto-wagon was waiting. Lucy and Moonstone hiding behind the doors.

“Who the fuck is she?!” called again from the other hill.

“Shit uhh.. “ he took the cone back. ‘My uhh.. Cousin! Yeah, I’m gonna have to call the game here guys. I got.. Family crap to go do my mom didn’t tell me about. You know how it is.”

“So you surrender?” the Viking pony leader called back.

“Buck no! The great Ponigawa never surrenders, We’ll call it a draw for now and-”

A new voice joined the cone power foray. “Button-Mash!”

“Ahh shit…” Button’s slightly decayed ears went flat.

Button’s mom had a cone of her own and was standing by the fence. “Don’t act like I can’t see you arguing with your friends up there! You have a job interview to prep for, so say goodbye to all your friends, and let’s go!”

“But Moooooom!!” he cried back.

“No buts! I said now, mister! Or I can, and will make you shave that ridiculous beard for the interview!”

“But I like my beard…” he dejected before picking the cone back up. “Fine Moom! I’ll be right down. Everpony else just…” he sighed. “Give Tally-Ticker your point totals and we’ll resume next week. Cool?”

The horde nodded along and gave a mix of ‘uh-huh’s, ‘yeah sure’s, and raspy eldritch screeches.

“Cool.” he groaned tossing the cone away. “Well, this sucks. Let's go before the jokes start.”

I watched the crowd of ghouls disperse, walking, crawling, and dragging their way off the field. Pushing over rusted fences and flimsy barricades wastelanders put up. I got the feeling none of them were grasping reality yet, and I didn’t want to be here when they did.

But as fate would have it, the trip down the hill was not a quiet one. Not in a ‘slaughtering our way through a horde of ferals to be deus-ex machina’d when all hope is lost’ kind of situation, but a more sass-blasting one. “Awww did your mommy come to pick you up?” The Viking leader jabbed from her hill fort earning a few chuckles from the ghoul horde. “Good thing too, She can kiss your booboo’s better after the ass beating I was giving you!”

“Wow… she's a bitch.” I commented with my non-cone-powered voice.

This was going to be a battle of egos 200 years in the making. One fought with improvised megaphones across a field full of Live Action Roleplayers. Button-mash pulled a 2nd cone from his belt. “Fuck you too Buttershoe! My cavalry was so far up your ass with that bull-horn flank they could have used you like a sock puppet!”

“You wish they were up my ass loser! Your cavalry is shit, and you cant lead armies for shit dick-igawa! My victory was assured before we even started.”

Assured my ass…it was a 200-year-long stalemate!

“You sacrificed half your infantry for 10 feet of ground!” Button’s retorted.

“That was a necessary sacrifice to put you in your place momma’s boy! That place being under me, an inferior, with your mom making me those cookies she brought last week.” she self-assured.

“I will never kneel to the likes of you Buttershoe!” He shook a hoof at her. “And next time my mom brings cookies you don't get one!”

“Hey that’s not fair! She makes those for everypony!”

“That's what you get for bein’ a bitch!”

“Buttons!” His mom exclaimed “Be nice to your friends! Those cookies I make are for everypony.”

“Sorry mom…” Button’s groaned as the remaining ghoul soldiers muttered in agreement.

Buttershoe on the other hoof refused to be anything but the victor. “And now she's fighting your battles for you? Grow a spine, you overgrown toddler!”

Buttons was about to retort but his mom came to bat… the metal bat. “I don’t fight his battles for him. I do things like make cookies and go to the grocery store. Where I run into ponies like your father, buying your rash cream and off-brand horseshoes.”

Holy horseapples she just threw that mare under a bus!

Buttons blinked as a comeback twinkled in his eyes. “Ha! Butthurt and your Hays are fake!” And her son just put that bus in reverse to run her over again!

Buttershoe did a doubletake looking down at her hooves golden horseshoes. “M-My Hays are not fake!”

“Totally fake! Knew you couldn’t actually afford a set! Miss government housing!” beating a mare while she’s down! Causing a stir among the other ghouls struggling to laugh.

“You’re a dick! They’re real!”

“A massive swinging one thank you! Now Imma go home and get free cookies, 'cause my mom’s cool like that!” He threw the second cone and we made our way back to the shell of an autowagon. Hopping into the passenger seat with a smug. “Fuck yeah!” as he started getting out of his gear. “Way to go mom, they’ll be giving her shit for weeks now.”

His mom smiled in the driver's seat. “Serves her right for being mean to my little boy~” she chuckled giving the ghoul general a brief hug.

Lucy was in the backseat with me like before. “Isn’t your son like… a grown stallion?” She asked raising a brow.

“Yes, But he’ll always be my little boy. The same way you two will always be your dad’s little fillies,” she answered before looking out front to Moonstone getting back in the reins, anxiously looking around at all the ghoul army shambling by. “Moonstone dear, Ready to go?”

“Y-yeah…” He answered leaning back a little as one of the Viking ghouls passed in biting distance moaning about a bus pass. “Ready when you are.”

Button-Mash took a moment to look at us once the wagon got rolling at its neck breaking 1 mph. “Hey mom… who are these guys?”

“Some friends of yours from the University who volunteered to help pull the autowagon to the shop.” she nodded adjusting her broken mirrors.

“Oh…” he muttered confusedly. “Cool… I just… never mind.” He blinked and started taking in his surroundings, from the interior of the wagon to the ruins nearby. “Meadow Street looks like it’s gone to shit…”

The facade was cracking. Button-mash had a mental loop just like his mom, but his perceptiveness would be it’s undoing. Two centuries of reliving the same Saturday LARP battle unaware the world had ended. It had me on edge almost as much as all the other ghouls who started breaking down around us. The soldiers were borderline feral to begin with and many started looking around confused, some even started to growl and lash out at their surroundings. “Lucy… get out and push.”

“But were-”

“I said push!” I glared giving a quick nod to the distant ghouls starting mauling a skeleton on the sidewalk.

Her eyes widened, and she did a quick take of the surrounding mass of ghouls growing agitated. “Good point Darling! Three times the ponies three times the speed.” She chuckled nervously frantically getting out of the wagon to push the door. “This was a terrible idea!” she protested below her breath.

We got the Hell out of there before the screeching started. My legs strained on the ancient asphalt and rusted bearings. The further we got from the war fields the better. Three streets, four, a block, five. Only the wind and faded screams of crashing reality could be heard behind us. Cries for parents, brothers, and sisters. Panic over being late for livelihoods long gone. The horror of their new wasteland reality. Hunger. Only this morning had they been dropped off to roleplay a battle between Viking ponies and Neighpon samurai. By the end of that morning 200 years had passed and everything they loved was gone. I dare not envy their immortality. The only question that remained… how long before Buttons and his mom finally cracked? And how badly?

Our two ghouls just took it all in, their loop struggling to connect with each new stimulus. “Hey, Mom… did a riot come through here? The stores are looking kinda… fucked.” Button-mash commented looking at the line of collapsed duplexed and ruined storefronts. Every ground-floor window was broken, papers littered the street, and signs hung from the storefronts in varying starts of disrepair.

Cream-heart looked too like she finally noticed. “Huh, must have been last night sweetie. I didn’t see anything on the news this morning about another food riot though. Ponies these days I swear…Hope they recover.” She’d already forgotten the power was out at her house.

The gang grew tense, and the moment of truth was fast approaching. It was like having ticking time bombs in the wagon. I could feel it, the facade breaking down just like the soldier ghouls. Would they turn feral? Go mad? How would we stop them if they attacked us?! I was the only one with a gun! Lucy had a stick…not even a pointy stick, just a stick! And Moonstone was too tied up in the harness to fight back if they decide to take a bite out of his ass.

“Ehh, oh well. I didn’t shop around her anyways.” Button-Mash shrugged explaining away the mess. “Oh oh! Hey Mom, isn't that ice cream place right around the corner?”

‘SHIT!!’ we non-ghouls swore internally.

His mom smiled. “Sure is honey, right around the corner. I didn’t want to spoil the surprise for you, but we’re going there once we drop off the wagon.”

“Ice cream!” He cheered throwing his hooves up in the air like a colt half his age.” Kick ass!” he hoof pummped. “Gonna get that vanilla Sunday, drown it in hot fudge and-”

“You know you can just get the fudge ice cream right? Sweetie-Belle isn’t here to see you fall out of the chair from a brain freeze again~”

“Mooooom!! Seriously?! Don't talk about her in front of my freeeehh…. ” He trailed off, his ghoul eyes widening as he looked out the passenger side window. “What… what happened to it?” His voice wobbled.

‘Spiffy Cone’s Ice-Cream Parlor’ Read the sign below a colossal plaster ice cream cone with a faded derpy face on it. The building was a lot like those diners history class said used to be everywhere but more or less collapsed. A singular aluminum panel kitchen at the center surrounded by a copious amount of awnings, benches, and tables for open-air eating. Though all but one of the awnings had fallen over crushing everything..and everypony below. Under the twisted wreckage of roof and panels, blackened skeletons lay about. Some big, many small, and a few even smaller. Toys, strollers, bottles, and roller skates… all strewn about among the ruin.

“I…” buttons gulped. “I can't believe ponies would do this to Spiffy’s…a-and kids! Why are there kids in the wreck Mom?!” he started to panic.

Awful as it was, the best-case scenario was a ‘harmless’ mental breakdown. Every other case I had in mind kept me ready to grab my flintlock. Was I going to have to kill them? I didn't want to!

“I don’t know Buttons. Maybe it was a zebra attack. The royal guards should be handling this already, but where are… they… oh my.” Cream Heart gasped looking across the street to see the auto-wagon shop was in equally bad shape with a single overalls-wearing skeleton laying limp through a broken window. “Is that… Mr Springwell? I just saw him yesterday, what's going on?!

It all came crashing down, the two-hundred-year loop that chained them to sanity shattered, spilling from their eyes in the form of tears. I didn’t know ghouls could cry.

“Wh-who are you guys anyways?” He asked looking at us in his growing panic. “I-I don't recognize any of you from the university. And why are you in one of Sweetie-Belle’s stable suits? Nopony’s supposed to have those yet!”

I responded the best way I could, the most honest we’ve ever been with them since meeting his mom. “That’s because.. I am from a stable. 83 specificaly.. Behind Pinkie’s house.”

“Sketchy..” Moonstone cautioned looking back over his shoulder.

With a steady heart, I continued as gently as I could. “You two have been… out of it for a while. A long while. Welcome to Equestria.. circa 1220.”

“There’s no way that’s.. That's possible! Mom… Please tell me she’s crazy… I still have that interview at Stable TEC right?!” Button Mash quivered, taking in his first true view of the wasteland around him. The ravaged skyline of Applewood, The devastation of all he’s ever known, and the loss of everything he ever hoped for.

His mother looked ahead too, as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I don’t think you do dear… I don’t think you have classes anymore either.”

Level up!
Perk unlocked: Radroach Skitter!
-Prerequisite: Wasteland whisperer: Radroach.
-Your affinity for radroaches has enabled you to master the Radroach skitter. Every bullet/explosion/ or laser that hits you or passes within 10ft of you will raise movement speed by 5%(max 100%) for 6 seconds.

Achievement perk Unlocked: Ants for the Ant god! (rank 1)
Requirements: Kill 50 ants in a combat where Rage or Stampede was used.
-You have slain many ants and bathed in their ichor. Deal +5 damage to any ant you hit per rank of this perk.