Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

Fallout Equestria: Lunar Archives
Chapter 12: Hotel Coltifornia

I do not envy the undead, the dead I do on occasion, but never the undead. By a quirk of fate, genetics, or even the capricious whims of magic you are granted immortality. You never need to eat, drink, rest, or grow old… but at a cost. Your body, the vessel of your soul, rots away leaving you but a corpse of your former self. Stuck in a perpetual state of half-decay where everything not deemed vital to life falls away in time. Some more, some less. You can bleed, but your senses are dull, you can think, but your mind fades, and in the end... Nothing is left but the shell of a pony, an animal, slavering to fill the void. Never face immortality alone.

Returning to the cul-de-sac was far easier than getting there. The grand illusion finally shattered, leaving the husk of Cream-Heart’s auto wagon behind once she could finally see its true condition. We assured her we’d come back for it later as we walked. Turns out that freeing the ghouls from the Warfields had an unexpected side effect, the ants were distracted. We stayed a couple of blocks south of the suspected nest just to be safe, catching glimpses of flaming ghouls and skittering ants down the streets at intersections.

Buttons and his Mom were in shock to say the least. Culture shock, Septic shock, neurogenic shock… some kind of shock appropriate to learning how much their world changed. We did our best to console and answer questions, but there was a surprising number of things none of us could answer.

“Who launched the mega spells first?”

“Why did we turn into…this?”

“What about the rest of the world?”

“What happened to the princesses?”

“Did we win?...”

The only real answers we had for them were “We don’t know.” and “Nopony knows.” Well… except for that last one.

I looked back past my half-dozen-ant skewer balanced between me and Moonstone. “Does it look like anypony won?”

“I…no…” Button-mash withdrew. “Better wiped that striped huh?...” He clung to that casual humorous tone like a life raft in the face of his shaken reality. I could tell because I do it too. Is this what Pickle-Jar feels like?

“Buttons, that's in really poor taste.” his mom scolded walking alongside him. “I told you to stop quoting those racist posters Rarity made.”

“I know I know, we’re fighting their government, not the zebra’s themselves. But you gotta admit Mom. I’m seeing an awfu lot of wipe and not a lot of stripe.” he gestured at the surrounding devastation.

“Button-Mash!”

“Raceist sure, but your son’s not wrong.” Moonstone added now looking back too. “Given the distinct lack of zebras running around, it’s rather safe to assume they lost too. At least that’s the theory we had at the Academy.”

I squinted a bit. “What is this Academy you keep mentioning?”

Moonstone rose a brow “I’m from there… Not the most well-known place in the wasteland.”

“Okay but what IS it?” I questioned. “With everything I’ve learned about wasteland naming conventions, I can only assume it's on ‘Academy’ drive, or ‘Aloe-Bean’s Academy of Massage’ but three-quarters of the sign got shot off.”

“It's a school.. Technically.” he rolled his eyes a bit. “About halfway between here and the western edge of the NCR. Near the base of the mountains.”

Button-Mash raised a hoof “Was anypony else assuming the Academy was LP University?” he asked looking around the group.

“Yes…” I groaned.

“It’s nothing nearly that grand dear.” Lucy finally chimed in. “The Academy is just a glorified mercenary school according to Enclave intel. A ruin packed with sellswords and murderers for hire.”

“A lot more than what you have right now…” Moonstone mumbled under his breath.

“What was that?” Lucy looked back.

“I saaaid, its a lot more than you give it credit for.”

“Doubt it~” she quipped prancing along humming a trail of superiority complex in her wake.

Button Mash smirked in the back. “Way to pick ‘em my guy~ I prefer Sweetie-Belles over Raritys myself but to each their-” Button Mash chuckled only to catch his mom’s elbow in the side. “OW! What?!”

“Don’t be rude! These ponies are helping us to get home after risking their lives to save you. Apologize to the nice stallion.” I didn’t really get what was so rude about it. Sure, Lucy acted like the saint of generosity, but that’s not really a reason to refuse helping her get home is it?

“But Mooom, Even if I wasn't 200 years older than him this is still how we talk to eachother-”

“I said apologize.” She glared and asserted her almighty mom powers over the college-age ghoul next to her.

He relented with a sigh. “Fiiine. I’m sorry.”

“Like you mean it…”

Buttons groaned rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry for taking a jab at your life choices. Please continue teaching us all about this wonderful HELLHOLE Equestria has become.”

“Well uhh..” Moonstone taped his chin “ Violence, gangs, and chems are normal now. Every day outside a settlement is a risk of life and limb. It’s a fair bit better than it used to be but there's still plenty of ponies out here trying to rob you or bite your face off.”

“So… an average Tuesday in Applewood then?” Buttons asked sounding a bit confused.

“An average day!?” I jumped in. “What part of post-apocalyptic wasteland are you missing? The radiation? The mutants? How everything is destroyed?”

“Ehh… not really. Most of the streets already looked like this before.” he gestured at the cracked and trash-covered streets littered with broken glass and bones. “The ants are new though.”

“Wha… how.. What was-?...” No amount of hoof gestures and facial expressions could describe my bafflement at the idea that the balefire holocaust didn't change anything.

“Okay, maybe not this bad..” Buttons added as the team carefully climbed over the rubble of an office building “But pretty close. On the bright side, no traffic! or smog, or food riots… Do angry mobs still form whenever royal guards beat a zebra to death? Or was that just an us thing?”

I just looked back and answered with my own question. “What the actual fuck!?” whilst firing a beam through a flaming ghoul that just ran out into the street ahead. Ghoul pieces everywhere.

***

If there’s one thing I knew would bring the mother and son some relief, it was getting home. Bonus points for their house being the most in-tact building for miles!

“I did this?” Cream-Heart asked as we stood in the cul-de-sac looking at their home.

“Sure did.” I nodded. “Neighbor of year two centuries running if you consider the other houses you fixed too. Way better off than anypony I’ve seen thus far.”

“I remember fixing up a fence or two and trimming the Speckledorf’s hedges since they got so unruly but I don’t remember fixing… all this.” She gestured at the whole place. “I mean, I’ve watched a few home improvement shows but..”

“Who cares Mom! Our house is still here!” Button’s elated. “We could’ve lost everything, but we didn’t! Thanks to you!”

Cream-Heart would have voiced more of her confusion but was pulled into an impromptu hug by her son. After how much their world had changed, it was good to know their home was still there, earning a smile from the mare. “I suppose you’re right. Mildly insane or not I did keep our home standing.”

“And I dare say she did quite a good job given the circumstances,” Lucy commented from nearby, sorting through her saddlebags. “With the abysmal state the rest of the wasteland is in, I can confidently say she keeps one of the nicest homes in Equestria. Outside the Enclave naturally, But Equestria nonetheless.” She nodded like she managed to give a compliment without insulting anyone…She failed.

“You two should go inside, get comfy, and…I dunno, Do some soul searching?” I suggested, shrugging before looking down at the ant skewer. “Maybe figure out how to cook these?”

The two ghouls looked at me like I just suggested they drink water from a toilet. “Cook those? Like… eat meat?” Cream-Heart questioned looking at the dead bugs.

“Sure why not? Make some ant kaboobs.” I suggested prodding the chitinous corpses with a stick.

Buttons stifled a snicker.

“What? What's so funny?” I asked prodding the ants more. “You can put like… eight legs per kerboob. They can’t be that fireproof.”

“Kaboobs huh?” He snickered all the harder like he was about to explode, earning a facehoof and sigh from his mom.

“What's so funny about kaboobs? I had one like a week ago, one of the best things I ever tasted. So chewy and full of mystery!”

“Yep, them kaboobs sure are mysterious huh? Some big ole kaboobs huh?”

“Goddesses bucking Damn it, what's so funny?!”

He finally broke down laughing, contagious enough to even get Moonstone to chuckle a bit too. “They’re called kabobs! Not Kahahabooobs! Hehehhee!”

“Nuh uh!!” Flawless comeback. “I read the sign above the guy’s stand. It said they’re called kaboobs!”

“Uh huh!” he retorted much less flawlessly than I. “I got to go to one of those Boujee griffon restaurants over in Beaverly Hills, and they were called kabobs.”

“Lies and slander!” I refused to be wrong!

“Who you gonna trust? The guy old enough to know what real words are? Or some junktown jerky vendor that clearly can't spell?”

I squinted leaning in. “You cannot comprehend the level of petty I am willing to be about this.”

He leaned in turn “Kabobs.”

I leaned further “Kaboobs!”

He leaned even closer “Kabobs!!”

I got snoot to snoot with him, the stench of decay paled in comparison to my pettiness! “Kaboobs!!”

“Ka-”

I pounced the clearly very wrong ghoul with my patent-pending battle cry. “WREEEEE!!!” Resulting in a very short but equally amusing brawl for everypony to witness. Just a pair of nerds rolling around on the pavement bapping the hell out of each other.

“Oh my, a nerd fight?” Lucy came over to sit between Moonstone andCream-Heart. “Are we taking gentlemarely wagers?” she looked between the two.

Moonstone shrugged an “Eh~” but Cream-Heart was far more into it than I wanted her to be. “You get her honey! Equal rights and equal lefts!”

“Weren't you just telling him to be nice to us a moment ago?” Moonstone questioned.

“Yes, and I’ll resume doing that after my son wins this little slap-fight. We really are grateful you pulled us out of our stupor.. and brought us home.” She looked back to our epic phonetic brawl over kaboobs. “Buttons may be all jokes about it but I’m worried. No stallion should be able to shrug off the end of the world as fast as he has. Even I’m still trying to come to terms with it…” Between the baps I was catching to my face I could see her expression gloomed. “Everypony’s gone, our friends, our plans for the future, our lives…I dont even feel like I’m in the same Applewood as I was yesterday. Like I walked into a ruined copy.” she sniffed. “Him letting off some steam is probably good for him and I should be supportive… Two jars of jelly on my son kicking your friend’s flank.”

“Only TWO?!” I yelled trying to block ghoul hooves trying to bap my snoot!

“I call two cans of beans. I’ve never known a pettier mare than our little stable dweller.” Lucy beamed setting out a pair of cans from her pack. “Try to blow her head off with a rifle and shed forget in a week. But tell her something silly like orange and citrine being the same color and she’ll plot to strangle you with your own blood ten years in advance. Remember what she said about the ant queen?”

Note to self: Strangle Lucy with her own blood somehow. They are too distinct colors.

“Kabooobs!!” I yelled rolling ontop of Buttons trying to get as many baps in as possible.

“See? Our darling is the pettiest mare in the mild west~ A little more and she’ll be foaming at the mouth. Daddy would love her~”

“True, until she gets tired.” admitted Moonstone pulling out a few small boxes. “I hate to bet agenst friends, but she is up agenst a ghoul. And ghouls can't get tired… Unlike Sketchy, who has the stamina of a triple-A spark battery.”

“Hey!” I protested from the brawl only to get bapped across the muzzle. “Oof!”

“I hedge my bet. Two fancy hotel soaps on Sketchy and four on Buttons.”

“Only TWO?!!”

Note to self: Stangle Moonstone with hotel soap…somehow.

***

“My Beaaaans!!” Lucy cried clinging to my hind hooves like a toddler as we walked the wasted streets. “You lost my bucking beans!!”

I groaned dragging the drama turkey along towards her squad’s meeting point. I had petty vengeance to plot and she wasn't helping. “I tried okay! It's not my fault the clearly very wrong ghoul has over 200 years of combat experience! He may have won the battle, but the kaboob debate isn't over!” I declared valiant raising a hoof ahead.

Moonstone sighed nonplussed next to me. “You got your ass kicked in a slap fight… by a ghoul who only just became self-aware four hours ago.”

“I shall have Veeengeance!” I hissed, squinting into the distance, and dramatically balling my hoof into a fist… hoof… thing. “If I can’t beat him in a fair duel the only solution is skullduggery, backstabbing, and ideas from the darkest corners of my mind. Mmmm yess…” I rubbed my hooves/wrists together.

“Sketchy?...” Moonstone looked down at me.

“Yeah?” I paused looking up.

“Can we save the cartoonish villainy for later?” He suggested manually prying Lucy off my legs. “Love the enthusiasm, but If we keep stopping every time you slip into a melodramatic monologue we’ll never reach the extraction point.”

“I’m not melodramatic! This is a perfectly reasonable reaction to somepony defiling the ponish language with something as dumb as ‘kabob’!” I retorted crossing my hooves. “I refuse to back down!”

Moonstone facehoofed. “They ARE called kabobs Sketchy.”

I blinked in a long awkward silence as the tiny princesses rolled by in a tumbleweed. “Ya what?...”

“Multiple food items impaled on a stick are called kabobs. The only reason the stand in Bubble Town said ‘kaboobs’ is because most ponies don’t know how to spell.”

“But…”

“OR! The stand owner did it intentionally because ponies giggling at ‘boobs’ drums up business.”

I sat there with the gentle wasteland breeze blowing through my mane in the longed awkwarder silence that followed. Old newspapers flitted by, ancient shop signs creaked, and my dignity withered on the floor. My soul… my Ego and Id! Ruined!!

Lucy nudged me. “Sketchy? Darling?...you home?” A wing passed in front of my muzzle. “Helloooooo? Flight control to Sketchy, Do you read dear? Over.”

After everything I've been through today: Ass kicked in my dreams, falling down stairs, tippy hoofing around fragile minds, being cooked alive by ants, sneaking through a field of feral ghouls, losing a nerd fight with the very ghoul I saved, and now finding out the molehill I chose to die on never existed to begin with… my eyelid twitched. “I’m gonna strangle somepony…”

“Oh gracious she's alive.” Lucy walked ahead. “Just don't strangle any of my squad mates and I’ll get you a fluffy cloud bed to pass out in. Sound good? Great.” She beamed prancing along without my answer.

My eye didn't stop twitching even as Moonstone pushed my rear to get me walking again. Riding on the knife’s edge of a mental break I followed them to the supposed ‘rally point’ Lucy was supposed to meet her squadmates at if they ever got separated.

Among the neglected suburbs and concrete sprawl was supposed to be a, and I’m quoting my pipbuck quest marker. ‘Lieutenant Ball-Bearings Memorial tennis court’. “There has to be a story about that name…” I mumbled to myself before Lucy gasped.

“There! There it is! Eeeee!! Going home at last!” She galloped ahead taking a wobbly flight after some excited wing beats.

“Lucy! Stop running off! It’s not safe!” Moonstone galloped after her leaving me behind… and alone.

I squinted at the going-away flanks. “I’m not paid enough to run today…” I groaned dragging myself all the way there to find the two standing at the edge of the tennis court.

The abandoned tennis court was just that, abandoned. Cracked, sun-bleached, and littered with garbage nopony was here. The only sign of post-war life being a rickety tower of empty crates bearing a tattered white flag emblazoned with the winged black ‘E’ of the enclave. A landed Lucy’s wings sank. “Where… Where are they?”