Lucy looked as if she were going through a thousand excuses a minute to justify her Enclave buddy's absence. Meanwhile, I, having been on one too many emotional rollercoasters today, decided to skip the panic step and be the first pony to look around for clues.

“Alright, everpony start reading random papers you find on the ground, somepony probably wrote down where they were going, or left a memory orb, or…I dunno.. Smoke signals?” I said beginning the good old ‘look in the most obvious places’ routine.

Turned out I was the only one doing it as Moonstone had the much more important job of keeping Lucy from freaking out. “Lucy, Lucy, look at me Lucy! Focus!”

It was not going too well. “Where’d they go?! Why would they leave me behind?! Were they attacked!? Are they all dead!? Did they abandon meeeee?!” Yep, she was panicking.

I glanced around. “Doubt it? Given the distinct lack of bodies lying around they aren’t dead… and I don't know if you’ve noticed, but there's usually an abundance of bodies lying around!” I gestured at the court.

“How can you be sure? What if my squad mates were taken by cannibals like in the training videos?! Or worse went home without me?!” Still panicking…

“Lucy.” I squinted. “Does this look like the face of a mare who isn’t sure?” I asked circling a hoof at said face.

She paused and looked at me. “You don’t want me to answer that darling.”

I facehoofed. “Okay let's try putting two and three together.” letting go of my face I pointed back at her. “You have wings.”

She nodded.

“And they have wings?”

More nods.

“Meaning! If you guys ever got attacked, you’d just fly away..”

She blinked. “Oh yeah…”

“And the only way to kill something that flies is to…” I led her on.

“Gotta nick ‘em in the wings,” Moonstone answered confidently, no longer having the hold Lucy to the ground. “A scatter gun with birdshot usually works best, unless you come across one in their buggy-looking power armor. Then you gotta use slugs on the joints to penetrate the…” He stopped to notice Lucy was just staring at him horrified. “Well, I err…not that I’ve ever done such things. Just uhh…ahem, Read about it at the Academy a few months after the Pip thing is all.”

“How easily Moonstone could kill you aside, His point props up my own.” as all points and opinions should! “Your Squad isn’t dead…probably. If they were attacked, there’d be bodies, blood, gore, mayhem!” I may have swung my hooves to emphasize my point. “An abstract work of sanguine post-modern art! But nothing. They left.”

“Why are you both so graphic today?” muttered Lucy looking between me and Moonstone.

“Good Goddeses you stopped panicking. Hallelujah!” I sighed. “Now look for clues if you wanna find where they went.”

Lucy looked about still looking concerned. “But operational procedures would stop-”

“Look for clues or I’m gonna have Moonstone slap the shit out of you!”

“WHAT?!” they said in unison.

“You heard me! I’ll do it too!” I levitated a nearby rock. “I’ve had it up to HERE!-” and threw the rock. “With all the crap that’s happened today! I Want a nap! And you-”

“OWW!!” A voice cried from the other end of the tennis court. Coming from behind a pile of crates with a rusted-out Red-Racer wagon was a brown earth colt. A blank flank junk collector rubbing the scuff on his head. “The fuck I do to you?!”

There was a long and awkward silence as the three of us just stared at the last thing we expected to see out in the wasteland. A kid.

“What are ya’ starin’ for?! Hit me with a rock, an’ just stand there gawkin’ like I plowed yer ma!” this was a very loud and foul-mouthed colt, talking four times his age.

“Uhh… Who are you?” I asked the most obvious question.

“Who am I? WHO AM I?! Who the flying buck a duck are you ya-” Immediate regret set in as the colt slipped into a tirade of colorful swearing at the expense of everything ranging from my unknown grandma to the ground I walked on.

I can play this game too kid! “Alright, listen here you pint-sized condom failure! I asked my question first, but buck me sideways, I guess we gotta do it like this ‘naw!” I even picked up his accent, rather similar to Watcher Two’s. “I’ve been lit on fire, nearly eaten by ghouls, lost a fight with stairs! And I am just looking for one more thing! ONE MORE THING!!! To send me over the edge!”

The mystery colt lifted a brow. “And that's my problem how?”

“Cause if this plot doesn't get moving I’m gonna rip somepony’s head off!!” I cried earning the concerned stares of everypony in head ripping distance.

“The… plot?”” Lucy repeated confused.

“Yes, the plot!” I snapped. “We came out here to find your enclave buddies and they ain't here! Where’d they go? Why‘d they leave?! Am I hallucinating?! These are the questions!”

Whilst I raged on, Lucy slowly pulled a syringe from her pack only for Moonstone to push it back down. “Don’t even think about giving her more rage.”

“I wasn’t going to boost the darling,” she chided. “Just some Med-X to help her relax.”

“That’s almost as bad!” Moonstone grunted batting Lucy’s wing away every time she reached for her saddlebag. “No!”

“-and another thing!” I continued oblivious to the conversation going on behind me. “Are we really gonna sit here for hours digging for clues?! This is usually the part of the story where a deus ex machina suddenly gives us a direction. So where is it?!” I waved at the surroundings. I turned back to the mystery colt in time to see him sneaking away with his wagon. “Oh no you don’t!”

He glared back and kept walking “I don’t know anything about yer damn turkey problem! So I’m taking my haul and leaving! Stop me and I’ll put my hoof up your ass!”

“You’re not going anywhere until I find the deus ex machina I’m looking for-” I paused, looking back at the contents of the scavenger colt’s wagon, seeing a familiar many-antenna’d orb. “...is that a sprite bot?”

The colt looked back at it too then back to me. “Yeah, why? It’s full of pooters ‘n shit. What's it to ya?”

I looked down at my hooves in awe that the solution to our problems magically appeared as soon as I complained about it. “The power….” I mumbled but pushed the idea of cool plot powers aside. “Can uhh…. Can we have it?”

For once the angry colt was flabbergasted. “Wha- Are you dumb?! Buck no! I wanna turn it into a cool hat!”

Damn, that’s a good reason for him to keep it, but it was my horseapple plot powers that brought it before me. “I'll pay you!”

“With what?” he squinted.

“With money?-”

“Deal!” the colt quickly turned and shoved the derelict sprite bot out of his wagon, clattering to the ground. “Pay up!”

“Uhhh…” I checked my pipbuck. I wasn’t exactly ‘broke’ per se, but like hell was I giving up the complete rock collection! I did have some random garbage I picked up… but I said money didn’t I? I tossed out a baggie of all the caps I managed to find on the walk back from the War Fields. All 17 of them. “Ere ya go.”

He looked down at the pitiful baggie of caps that barely clinked when he picked it up. “Is this it?”

“I uhh….”

“Yer skint broke ain't ya?” he glared again.

“Yeah..” I slumped. “But you didn’t say ‘how much money’ so.. Think of it like I gave you Seventeen times more than the minimum we agreed on. That’s a seventeen thousand percent profit margin.” I smiled like I was trying to sell dirt to a mole.

“Whatever,” he grumbled tossing the baggie into his wagon and got moving again. “It was heavy anyway. Bucking brokies I swear..”

(Success!) I grabbed the sprite-bot in my forehooves and pulled it close. “Hehehe~ flawless as ever me~ Now I can harass Watcher-2 and-” I paused seeing two concerned little princesses standing on the pavement and pointing behind me.

I looked back to see Lucy looming over me and being restrained by a struggling Moonstone, A syringe in her pinion feathers reaching for me. “Darling just- needs a nap is all!” She protested struggling against the much larger stallion's grip.

Moonstone huffed and grunted keeping the pega at bay. “What is with you Enclave types and chems! You can’t solve all your problems with-” he noticed me and quickly shoved Lucy back down into a normal sitting position. “Oh Hey Sketchy, We were just uhh…”

Lucy went stiff too glancing around nervously. “Heeeey, Darling... We uhh… How are you feeling? It’s been a long day, right? Getting kinda cranky, need a break, a little med-x maybe?” she smiled sheepishly.

“Uhhh…no. I’m fine.” I squinted pondering what they’d been fighting about the whole time. “Good news though! I have our solution!” I held my grand prize aloft!

“A sprite-bot?” Moonstone questioned.

“A broken sprite-bot?” Lucy added.

“Not just a broken sprite-bot, but access to the greatest repository of wasteland knowledge besides my archive.” I caressed the sprite-bot’s dented hull, the urge to pet the mechanical creature was strong. Damn, Pinkie designed these things to be cute… or anatomically accurate. Both? Both.

After a pregnant pause, Lucy slid out the syringe again. “Seems our poor stable mare has finally lost it. I told you giving her Rage was a bad idea, but you didn’t stop me.”

Moonstone looked at her incredulously. “Wha- But you!-”

“Now Moonstone, this isn’t the time to shift the blame.” She said nobly, another wing to her chest. “We need to help Sketchy recover from her mental break.”

I was very nonplussed. “Guys…. I’m being serious.” I rattled the bot some more. “It can help!”

“Seriously Moonstone! How could you talk me into letting her have Rage of all substances? Her mind clearly wasn't prepared for combat drugs! Now she's buying junk off street rats.” She shook her head disappointingly much to Moonstone's facial expressions conveying a ‘what the buck!’ without him having to say it.

“You’re not listening, got it,” I grumbled and focused on the bot. The rage did feel so good… and violent… and made my teeth itch. But that wasn’t important right now. I needed to get this bot back online.

“Maybe she was just being nice to the crusader? They are kinda desperate.” Moonstone suggested with his own glare.

“As far as I’m concerned the needs of one orphan pales in comparison to the pain and suffering your reckless actions have inflicted upon poor Sketchy here. I mean just look at her! Raggedy as the day we found her!”

Yeah, they were arguing again, which gave me plenty of time to try and fix the bot. He… she… it was very intact aside from all the dents, bent antennas, and cracked wings. Nothing that would kill the- “Oh a bullet hole.” On the right side of the body was a small caliber hole, who knew these things had no armor? I knew! Which made it even more impressive that sprite bots survived the war.

I popped the panel off, shook out some loose parts, and looked around the mechanical viscera of this ancient machine. I just needed to remember everything I learned in maintenance class, everypony took the class, I just had minimal reason to remember most of it after graduation. Mops and bleach usually don’t require working knowledge of robo-surgery. My hooves dove into the electrical gore fishing around and looking for anything broken. “Eww…eww.. I know it’s just wires but it kinda looks like spaghetti.” I groaned trying not to let my imagination wander to- aaand it's too late!

The tiny princesses stood around the hole in the sprite-bot wearing nurse uniforms. Each of them took turns fishing out blood-splattered lengths of wire and broken plastic chips with comically large tweezers. Turning my pip-light on only served to crank the mental image up to 11 as with a blink the sprite-bot was now covered by an operating gown.

Little Luna happily fished out a flattened .22 round from the mess leaving three severed wires and a cracked chip the bullet failed to pierce. Little breaks like these were far smaller than the ones my glasses usually had, so I matched colors and fused wires back together one by one. And what is a computer chip but the same silicon my glasses are made of?

Fixing the blatantly obvious things would hopefully be enough as I put the bot back together. I’d need to turn the little guy back on, So I swapped out his spark batteries and plugged in my pipbuck. Life! And that life was… an ASCII art doodle of the Morale Minister herself followed by:

Spritebot-OS.1.2345

Loading…
Booting….
Updating Rule of Thirds Protocol…
Done!

Greetings: ‘Maintenance’
Password: [][][][][][][]

I blinked down at my pipbuck, it wanted a password for emergency maintenance. How would anypony fix these things if the password was the issue?! I racked my mind for what the password could be. These things were designed so no zebra off the street could walk up to them and hack them, so there’s no way the password would just be ‘password’ right?...maybe it would be ‘Password!’? Then again there was that dream… She said something about a password, but she never said to what.

Password: ‘5318008’

I hit enter cringing and waiting for the bot to explode like the last one… but it didn’t. My pipbuck made a small ding and the Sprite-bots eye-screen flickered to life, each eye a spinning pixel hourglass. The whir of small fans within and the wing gyros coming online filled the air as it started hovering about a foot off the ground.

“Good goddesses.” I face-hooved pulling at my muzzle. “The mighty password standing between the sprite-bot network and Zebra partisans was boobies spelled backward. Ughhhhhh!!” I groaned, not at how cringily weak it was…but at how genius it was at the same time! A password so dumb that nopony would even consider it! That’s Saint Pinkie for you.

I’d long tuned out whatever Lucy and Moonstone were arguing about, but the fact they both put this much energy into it for this long was cute. It’d be cuter if I didn’t feel like ass, but I’m finally making progress! Blinking online the screen eyes looked around in confusion, soon to project a (^3^) look as the little speaker began blasting its broken-down equestrian anthem. I reeled it back in with the pip-cord before it could wander off to its old patrol routes. “Oh no you don't.” I yoinked it closer, catching it between my hooves. “Hey! Hey Watcher! WATCHER!! Wake up! Tune in, or whatever you do. We need help.”

Lucy slowly turned to Moonstone with her ‘I told you so’ brows raised. “See? She cracked.”

“You know that’s not how he operates, right?” Moonstone said skeptically coming over to inspect the bot I was shaking.

“Is too! He talked to me before I met you guys.”

“Hallucinations brought on by crippling loneliness, as expected.” Lucy nodded self-assuredly.

“He’s real Lucy..” Moonstone added rolling his eyes at the purple pega once more.

“Oh please,” Lucy rolled her eyes “Watcher is just a silly plot device that pip-mare used in her book to bridge the transitions in her story. If there really was a fantastical fire-breathing dragon with the world’s best surveillance network at his disposal, don’t you think he’d do more than give random stable mares friendship advice? Like, burn raiders with fire?”

I squinted. “You have no imagination do you?”

She gasped. “I do too have an imagination! I once arranged all the hoofballs at the college gymnasium into the shape of a giant hoofball” Proud, indignant, huffy…Lucy.

“You probably think green is a creative color too don’t you?” I squinted harder, in disgust of her not arranging the hoofballs into a smiley face.

“It is too a creative color!” Came from both the mare with green grapes on her ass and, to everypony’s surprise, the spritebot!

The voice crackled to life and the bot ceased pulling against my pip-cord and faced us directly with a (>n>) on its eye screen. “First of all! I am NOT a plot device thank you very much!” and he turned specifically to Lucy “And secondly! Did they really cover up Operation Cauterize that much!? You guys shot me in the face!”

Lucy looked stunned for once, and the fact that Moonstone was leaning in with his own ‘I told you so’ eyebrow raised wasn’t helping. Whistling innocently she looked around before seeing Moonstone being smug as a bug before shoving him with her wings. “Shut up!”

“Watcher!” I proclaimed, hooves thrown high. “Just in time to prove me right!...wheres watcher two?”

“Watcher two-” he started followed by the muffled plap of a facepalm and a faint groan. The bot’s eyes shifting to a (-n-) “You seriously repaired and harassed a sprite-bot just so you could talk to him?”

“Maaaaaaybe~”

“And not me? The guy who actually runs the whole Spritebot thing?”

“...maybe…” I smiled sheepishly.

“Why?” the spritebot glared at me with its pixel eyes.

“Well, I uhh…” I tugged at the collar of my stable suit a little. “It's just ummm… I have this working relationship thing going on with watcher two and uhh…”

“Aaaand?”

“Aaaand you don’t seem to like me, so….” I smiled all the harder shrinking inward.

There was a faint grumble from Watcher “My old headset is ruined cause of you… and you burned down Pinkie’s house!”

“She said It was my house to burn down if I wanted!-” I paused. “Oh right, I was the only pony in that dream.” I groaned. “Just give Watcher Two the most jelly-proof headset you have. C'mon, I fixed your sprite bot!” I pleased rattling the Spritebot as proof. “Pweeeeese?” I worked the biggest, shiniest, wobbly puppy eyes I could manage, even putting out the little pout lip for the cherry on top.

[Sucess!] After holding that look for a few seconds he caved. “Fiiine! Just stop with the face already. Make a guy feel like he kicked a basket of puppies.”

I immediately switched back to normal and hoof-pumped. “Yis!!”

“Fair warning, he’s… tired.”

“Why?”

“Reasons….” He trailed off before the comm line cut out to a long silence.

Moonstone leaned into view. “Called it, 9 out of 10 odds a random stable mare knows Watcher. Felt odd you never brought him up.”

“I didn’t mention talking to Watcher for the same reason I don’t mention half the crap I see.. You’d think I’m crazy.” I grumbled imagining the ridicule.

“Oh darling,” Lucy came about the other side of me putting a wing over my withers. “We already thought you were crazy.” She said with such a compassionate smile it was like she was blissfully unaware calling somepony nuts was usually an insult.

“Gee, thanks guys. Really self-assuring.” I slumped and glared ahead.

The eye screen of the spritebot flickered a yellowy orange and a voice cracked to life. “You!!” it crackled accusatorily as the bot pulled from my grip and leaned in.

“Heeeeey Watcher Two. How ya uhh…” I tapped my forehooves together. “How ya been?” and applied a winning smile. It sounded like I was in trouble.

His voice was deep and perturbed like I pissed in his sugar apple bombs. “I’ve been sitting on frozen peas for five days, because SOMEPONY buttered me up and sicked my wife on me!”

“You’re… welcome?” I maintained the smile, trying not to draw attention to the sweat drops forming.

Moonstone stepped in buying me a few more seconds from being grilled. “Uhh… what did She do?”

The bot looked up to the taller stallion and Lucy. “Oh hey, ya made friends. Good job.” His tone completely turned downright friendly, jovial even. “Glad to meet Y’all. I’m Watcher Two.” the bot nodded to them both before he coughed. “She!!” he gyrated the sprite at me. “Buttered me up to my wife so hard It’d clog my arteries if ah wasn’t getting ridden like a mechanical bull!”

Lucy leaned in with a whisper “Psst.. what's he talking about? My Hick-an-ese isn't that good… and what’s butter?” not that I knew what butter was either.

Moonstone on the other hoof simply said “Oh…damn.” looking down at me.

I however refused to be yelled at…or blamed!...or mildly inconvenienced! “Hey, I saved you! She was gonna yell at you for talking to strange wasteland mares!”

“That strange wasteland mare was you!!” he retorted. “You saved me from getting yelled at sure. But ya made me look like the king of hooves-and-hearts day in the process.”

“You’re…welcome?” I tried again.

“I’m sitting on a bag of frozen peas!!”

Lucy blinked and mumbled. “I still don’t get it…”

Moonstone sighed and leaned over me to whisper in her ear which was followed by the pega’s muzzle going darker purple and her wings popping up. “You did what to this poor stallion?!”

“I helped him!!” I protested throwing my hooves in the air. “I made him sound like the Goddess bucking saint of bucking to his wife! I’m sorry if you are the first stallion in the HISTORY OF EQUIS to complain about drowning in free mare!”

“Oh, it gets better!” watcher two added. “Not only do I gotta keep an extra water bottle on me at all times, but she isn't going to stop until she gets the foals YOU promised her.”

“I said I was sorry, didn’t I?! I’m clearly the best wingmare the wasteland has ever seen and didn't know it! I am failing the see how this is a problem. You married her right? Wasn't that the goal?!”

“Well, yes…but I kinda expected it to happen a bit more naturally, accidentally. And now I can’t tell her to slow down without going back on everything you said that ‘I said’ about her,”

“Why not?” I asked tilting my head.

“Cause She’d be pissed at me!”

“Oh…” I scratched my chin, and contemplated. “Big Book of Social Manipulation chapter
12…”

“Big book of what now?” Lucy repeated eyes widening a bit.

“If your request will upset upset somepony. Turn it into a compliment of some kind.”

Watcher Two glared skeptically. “And how do you suppose I do that when I can barely walk?”

I tried to fight the urge, the raw compulsion to say what came to mind…and failed. “That’s what she said.” after a second of silence from the bot. “I mean uhh, don’t phrase it like everything I said was a lie. Simply say your wife is so amazing in bed that you can’t keep up with her raw prowess. If she asks why you didn’t say anything sooner just tell her you would have but your pride as a stallion was on the line. That you’d feel like less of the absolute stud she deserves if you showed weakness. You save face, she slows down, and she’ll probably love you even more simply cause you showed sensitivity and weakness. Mares love that open and sensitive shit-...” I paused to see all three of them staring at me. I blinked “What?...”

"Wow, that IS manipulative..." Moonstone commented first.

Lucy second. "It's so clever yet I feel dirty hearing it explained out loud."

“I’m not gonna lie to my wife, just trying to keep up with everything you said the first time has been eating me alive.”

“That's the miracle of it! Chapter 12.2! It’s all true!” I exclaimed. “Because A you truly can't keep up. B you truly love her. C, everyone’s partner is amazing in bed, even bad sex is ‘good’ sex. And D, EVERYPONY feels that way when it comes to their partner. ‘Am I enough’ is an anxiety everypony is born with. I know I’d be anxious trainwreck if I couldn’t plow my partner's lights out.”

“You have a partner?” Moonstone asked sounding TOO amazed.

“I uhh…” I scratched my mane. “Th-that's not important right now.” I successfully dodged the question. Flawless deflection!

“Uh-huh…” he muttered under his breath.

“I umm… I’ll have to think about it.” Watcher two muttered and after a few moments of faraway contemplation, he spoke again. “Alright, what did ya three need help with? Please tell me it's not a 4th member for your yoga team.”

It was Lucy’s time to shine… and by shine I mean become a frantic maniac grabbing the sprite-bot. “Where’d my squad go?! They aren’t at the rally point!!”

“Ahh! Don't shake the bot!!” Watcher yelled back as the screen eyes turned to (xAx ) before Moonstone made Lucy free it. “Lemmie check if we have any logs on that…” There was a faint squeak on the other end before we heard a muffled “SPIIIIIKE!!! What do we know about the enclave out near Applewood?....Really?...No I didn’t touch… it was one headset… no… yes the tennis court… left… your other left… thank you.” he left the push to talk on again before there was another squeak, a groan, the crunching of something frozen. “Let's see....”

“Tell me!!” Lucy flailed much to Moonstone holding her a safe distance from the sprite-bot.

“With that sector of the cloud layer slowly being peeled back by pip, the towns above were using that tennis court as a rallying point for the refugees moving to the surface.” Page flipping sound ensued.

“I already knew that.” Lucy huffed folding her wings.

“I didn’t…” I grumbled and squinted at Lucy.

“But as with everything else in the Enclave after Operation Cauterize, the relocation effort is as broken as Sketchy’s hopes and dreams of being an overmare.”

“Hey!”

Page flip. “-is for horses.” he continued. “Last available reports say the enclave members scattered around Applewood about two weeks ago with no backup location in mind. So I guess like your friend here, pegasi have been going to this tennis court to find it abandoned. A surprisingly common occurrence these days… Ponyville is getting filled with lost enclave members from all over.”

“So what am I supposed to do now?!” Lucy protested. “If I go back up they’ll say I went AWOL, If I wander around down here I’m going to get shot by spike fetishists. Which way did most of my squad go?!”

“Hold your feathers there purple, lemme look.” many page flips and terminal clicks ensued.

“My name..is.. Noctilucent!!” she cried to the heavens.

“Noctilucent…lucent…” Watcher two pondered, the bot’s eyes shifting to a (?3?) as he did so. “Ohhh are you Lucent’s filly? Don of the western enclaves P4 Mafia?”

“Yes, Daddy did say something about his fellow rank and file referring to him as that. Is that an issue?” instantly calmed again once her pedigree was questioned.

“Nah, I just heard all kinds of fun stories about ‘em. Like how he made a whole raptor disappear one night.”

“Don’t be silly, The enclave keeps track of all its irreplaceable raptors. If that raptor ever existed I’d know about it. It’s just a story he likes to tell the recruits to make him sound like the cool officer.” She nodded to herself quite assured of her own reality.

“Sure he didn’t… and the warehouse full of raptor parts he found was a logistical miracle.” Watcher two chuckled and the spritebot winked. “Only info I got on where most of them might ‘ah went is the Hotel Coltifornia.”

I raised a hoof. “Is this the part where I ask where and what that is?”

“It's a restored hotel on the southside of Applewood. Only ever saw it in passing a couple ‘ah years ago, but if your squad had stuff to trade then they probably crashed there for now.”

I looked at my pipbuck waiting for it to self-update with a new quest and a greyed-out location…any second now.

“You should be fine if you stick to the highway that runs between Dayglow and the rest of the city, It’s a lot safer nowadays, but I wouldn't hang around for long, radiation ‘n all.”

Lucy was already bouncing in place at the gate to the tennis court. “Let's go! Let's go! Lets goooo!! I'd kill for to be pampered at a proper hotel! Eeeee!!!”

DING!!

New quest: Hotel Coltifornia!
-Go to The Hotel Coltifornia
-Find Enclave Members.

The quest updated and my map opened to reveal a few new greyed-out locations on the southside. The Hotel Coltifornia, and Dayglow Spa… or maybe that one was already there? Ditzy mentioned it before… or was that Lasso? Curse you potato memory!

“I guess that’s our cue to go…” I said watching Lucy bounce impatiently. At least her priorities were in order. I think I can hold out on sleep long enough to reach said hotel. I’ve got a whole zero caps to offer!

“Might be best, Seems like a miracle she ain't flown off without you.”

“Yeahhh…”

“You three have fun and try not to get killed out there. The Applewood wasteland is a dangerous place. And I don't just mean the gangs and wacky races.”

“Don’t worry we will. Harass you again next time I find a sprite-bot.”

“Sure, Just be loud and annoyin’ enough to annoy Watcher. He’ll answer just to keep you from drawing attention to his bots. Even though his TRUE IDENTITY was revealed in Pip’s book!!” The last bit was yelled elsewhere.

I really need to get my hooves on a copy of that book, gotta get caught up on recent events. There are references to stuff all over the wasteland and I have no idea what anypony’s talking about! How’s a mare supposed to learn recent history around here? Context clues?!

Just when I started walking away I caught a “One last thing before ya march off~” from Watcher Two.

I turned back “Yeah?”

“The Pip-dar’s uhh… ‘been on the fritz’ since Homage listened in on our last conversation. So a missed breeze here, and an off-target storm there means a rad-storm might slip in from the coast. Just warnin’ ya.”

Now anypony could put 2 and cucumber together to realize that Rad + storm meant a radioactive storm, but I had to ask. “What’s a rad storm?...”

Here comes Moonstone to save the day! “It’s exactly what it sounds like. Lil-Pip activating sunshine and rainbows may have cleansed most of the radiation and taint from Equestria, but not the rest of Equis.”

“Like a massive sponge,” Lucy added.

“As far as most ponies know, Zebrica is still a radioactive hellscape much like everything else beyond the old borders, Including the sea.” He continued “Which is slowly seeping back in now that sunshine-and-rainbows is spent. It’s what some ponies, like me, call the ‘Bleedback-effect’. And the light bringer spends her days both managing the weather and using said weather to keep the radiation out of Equestria.”

“Oookay… makes sense,” I said pondering the grand cycle of the hydrosphere mixed with radiation. If left to its own devices radiation from other countries and seas would recontaminate the recently purified equestria… If you can call it purified, I thought squinting at the wasteland around me. Radioactive water evaporates and becomes radioactive rain… which this Lightbringer uses some magical weather control shenanigans I guess to direct them away from Equestria… or at least clean up behind the storms as fast as possible. “Wear a hazmat suit 24/7, got it!”

“Better to stay indoors until they blow over… or a hat will do just fine, Trust me, I know.”

***

Night had fallen on the dark desert highway wedged between the southern edges of Applewood and wide open wilderness. Buildings had grown sparse, and ponies even sparser. The only signs of life were distant gunshots and an old stallion we found screaming about mole ponies. I’m sure the mole ponies would get him eventually if he kept yelling their secret trans-dimensional conquest plans out in the open like that. But who am I to judge?

The sun had set and a cool wind blew through my mane as Team Sketchy ‘patent pending’ made our way towards destiny! Destiny came after another day of walking and thank the goddesses there wasn’t a single ganger toll booth way out here! My legs ached, my hooves were sore, and I wanted a bath! Not just a bath! But a twenty-hour-long coma too!

Lucy and Moonstone were feeling it too. Our mountain of stallion stamina was finally approaching his limit for the day, partially due to Lucy. A mare who lost all eagerness to reach the Hotel about an hour into the journey and has since collapsed onto a makeshift sled I made for Moonstone to pull.

Our path was bathed in moonlight, dotted with flickering streetlights that still had a functional power source buried somewhere. The skyline of Applewood became as lively as the ruined city itself. A donut of light around a blackened mountain of fallen cloud-scrapers. The whispers of cold winds occasionally broken by the echoes of creaking metal, distant engines, and further cheering. Colorful explosions burst over the city like thunder and rained streams of sparkles. Moonstone informed me these were ‘fireworks’ and that I not only had to fight the urge to ‘ohh’ and ‘ahh’ at them, but also resist the urge to acquire as many as possible in a gasoline-soaked cardboard box.

To the south lay a more sickly glow, a pale greenish hue gently wafting through the air beyond the southern hills. The direction of Dayglow Spa, being as radioactive as a place could be post sunshine-and-rainbows.

“So not only do the old pools collect all the radioactive rain that slips past the Pip-dar but the reactor in the basement is still cooking.” Moonstone explained dragging Lucy along.

Admittedly I too sat on the sled, but by comparison, I was barely any extra weight at all. “And the ghouls just leave it like that? Forever?”

“Pretty much, one of the biggest sources of Aqua-cura left in Equestria. Plus the radiation doubles as an effective raider deterrent.”

I scribbled away in my book taking note of the settlement alongside a doodle of a glowing me laid back in a beach chair with sunglasses and a coconut drink. “Makes sense. Any place not worried about its own defenses would be free to invest in its own economic growth without consequence.”

“I wanna go to the spaaaaaa…” Lucy whined into the sled floor.

“The only thing you’ll get from that spa is the fastest tan in history and nibble marks from ferals.” Moonstone retorted dragging us along.

“Hard to imagine what ghouls could do at a spa, I know 83 didn’t have one but Saint Rarity be damned if she didn’t make sure we knew how nice they were.” My imagination drifted to a uni-ghoul on a massage table getting their rigor mortis broken up. Another idea was acupuncture, but that mental image looked like a disappointed ghoul impaled with massive needles saying ‘I can’t feel a thing’. Maybe they do therapy like I did with PJ… or not. 200 years is a lot of time to get over one’s problems..

Lucy groaned and rose her head from the sled. “Anypony else smell food?” she sniffed. “And Is that zebra weed?”

Another breeze blew by carrying the warm scent of something cooking…or at least burning something that smelled nice. Like a hot can of BBQ beans, lemons, and a musty air vent all fighting for dominance. “Actually yeah I do…” Several sniffs of my own and my pipbuck dinged.

Quest updated: Hotel Coltifornia!
-Go to The Hotel Coltifornia.
-Find Enclave Members.
-(optional) Meet Lemon Haze.

“Who in Celstia’s tits is Lemon Haze?!” I exclaimed looking down at my glorified wrist terminal. “And how do you know who she is?!”

Moonstone stiffened a bit but quickly got himself back in order. “N-No idea, Pip-bucks can be esoteric like that sometimes. I like to think that’s what happens when unicorns get involved with computers. 1s, 0s, and magical 2s.”

I squinted and raised a hoof to protest but then remembered all the times my pipbuck notified me of really weirdly worded things. Like saying the sensor array atop the stable was FUBAR. What kind of company would program a device made for all ages to say something like that?

“A better question..” Moonstone looked back. “How do you two know what Zebra weed smells like?”

Lucy shot up in a flash. “Yeah Sketchy! How do you know what such a heinous substance smells like?” She deflected onto me, so this is what that felt like…

“From the crappy ‘Just Say Neigh’ movie Everypony was forced to watch in middle school! How else?” Seriously how has anypony not seen that thing? “It taught us how to do literally everything it told us not to do.” I said tapping one hoof into another as I got my list ready. “Zebra weed smells kinda musky, mellows you out, and makes you hungry. Introduced to Equestria from Zebrica well over a thousand years ago because it makes good rope. Hell, the movie taught us how to free-base dash and turn zebra weed into butter. Not that they explained what butter was! It just said ‘Don’t do this kids!’ and taught everypony how to commit pre-war felonies.”

Lucy blinked. “What was the Ministry of Image thinking? Is that why we have our own version?”

“Ministry of Image?” Moonstone questioned. “This sounds like something the Ministry of Morale would do to mess with the Ministry of Image.”

He had a point, that did sound like something the coked-out Saint Pinkie in my dream would do… heh that's something I would do for the shits and giggles. Not to kids obviously but- “heh…heheheh….heHEHE.” I started giggling, it was funny, then giggled harder, it was too funny. Until it finally broke into a snorty giggle that didn’t sound like my own. My hooves shot to my muzzle to silence whatever in the name of the sweet bucking saints that was?! The other two didn't seem to notice in the slightest, thank the goddesses.

“That still doesn’t explain how you know what the smell is.” Moonstone pressed with a knowing smirk back at Lucy.

The high and mighty master of being defensive defended herself the best way she knew how… being high and mighty. “I wouldn’t expect a wastelander like you to fully understand the level of training and education I’ve gone through to get there I am today. Obviously, I can identify Illicit substances, it's a very necessary skill for identifying and reporting the dregs leeching off Enclave society.” She huffed. “Also…there’s a shiny building over there.” She pointed her wing ahead.

Did she really think we were going to get distracted that easily-

***

Goddess Bucking Damn it! We got distracted that easily!

It was exactly as described, 10 stories of restored pre-ware hotel right off the south end of the route-10 highway. However, I imagine back in its heyday it didn’t look so fortified, or have boards over all the broken windows letting light and laughter spill out. All the surrounding buildings had long since collapsed or been deliberately torn down for materials to build a wall. How did I know this? Because the next-door gas station’s sign was currently propping up the aforementioned wall.

A hoofful of ponies stood guard along the wall and front gate. Each wearing old-world black security outfits with ballistic vests and battle-saddles sporting proper guns. There weren’t any banners or totems to indicate which warlord this place belonged to. It had to be important to somepony right? You could probably fit a stable in there if they tried hard enough… and maybe used the basement too.

“Finally here.” Moonstone sighed pulling our dinky little sled alongside a line of other wagons and carts parked outside the wall, under the watchful gaze of security. “Please tell me I don’t have to carry you inside too. I’d make a joke about carrying this whole team if I weren’t so tired.” he certainly sounded tired to me at least.

Lucy stepped off the sled and reinflated that pegasus ego. “Humph, it's about time really. Now we can finally get back to how things should be. I mean really, to think they all went AWOL to come to this….this…” she twirled a hoof at the building looking for a word. “Suspiciously in-tact hotel! The nerve of some recruits.” she huffed, prancing ahead like she was too good for the ground she walked on.

I on the other hoof, with all the social tact of a unicorn of my mighty standing, gracefully… rolled off the sled with a dignified ‘oof’. Groaning into the cracked pavement as the sled fell to pieces next to me. “Made it…” Extending a hoof forward, I drug myself towards the front door while Moonstone walked alongside me.

“Halt!” A guard looked down at us from his tower of tires next to the gate. The brown earth stallion looked us over. “You wasters aren’t broke are you?”

“Uhhhh….no?” I answered, capless.

(success!) He rolled his eyes. “Then welcome to the Hotel Coltifornia. Please wipe your hooves, feet, or other appendages before coming inside, and keep weapons stowed at all times. Blow anyone’s head off and yours goes on a pike. Got it?”

We nodded.

“Good.” he turned. “Open the gates!!”

The gates clattered open into a world of bygone refinement. A place of semi-alive hedges, flowers, statues, and by the goddesses a working water fountain! It had the little water-spitting pegasi with harps and everything! Cracked yet immaculately polished tiles led to the grand double doors of the entrance, freshly painted white, and trimming that glittered like gold. High atop the tower, if you consider 10 stories a tower, great ‘BINGs and BONGs’ rang out 3 times. It was so loud, yet so harmonic, looking up only caught me a glimpse of the gleaming bells swinging before the building blocked the view.

A pair of unicorns in dirty suits bowed and telekinetically opened the doors for us saying. “Welcome to the Hotel Coltifornia, We apologize for our security team's gruffness and pray your stay is enjoyable. Please check in at the front desk when you’re ready.”

This…is the most respect I've ever gotten in less than 5-seconds! Too bad I was too busy ‘ooh’ing and ‘ah’ing at all the eye candy to appreciate it. The interior was just as good if not better than the exterior. Chandeliers, mostly in-tact wallpaper, ponies in suits, and seamless tile floors, all awash in the warm glow of electric candlelight and the sound of a distant harp. At the center of it all infront of a grand staircase resided a gilded desk with a single bell, quill, and inkpot. Manning it was something I’d only seen in old technical manuals. A functioning Mr Hoovsy! A three-eyed, three-armed, spindly robot that hovered in the air with a gyroscopically stabilized arcane thruster… and this one had a top hat!

If it weren’t for the signs of age and structural damage they couldn’t cover up I’d start to believe I might be approaching the stairs to Heaven. Lucy seemed to think so too earning a subtle “Woooow….” from the mare as the finery glittered in her eyes.

Moonstone seemed less impressed somehow mumbling. “Been a while… finally see what they mean by Ten-Pony’s baby brother.”

My eyes bugged. There were places bigger and nicer than THIS?!

“Greetings, and welcome to the Hotel Coltifornia my dear travelers!” The Mr Hoovsy greeted us with a flourish of his fancy hat. “My name is Rust-Off Mk2. But most chaps refer to me as Rustov the 2nd, and I will be your receptionist this fine evening. And every evening hereafter you stay with us if management has anything to say about it.”

“Nice to.. meet you?” I found myself shrinking behind my friends. I tried okay?! It was my first time talking to a robot that I knew didn’t have a living breathing pony behind the speaker!

“There’s no need to be like that dear,” Lucy affirmed pushing me back forward with a wing before going right up to the desk. “She’s just shy. Three to check in for the night if you would be so kind.” Leave it to finery and decorum to turn Lucy from the pega whining about everything to one with a borderline noble level of manners.

Rustov gestured around with his many rolled limbs and eye stalks to convey the emotions in his voice. “I understand completely. What kind of desk man would I be if I wasn’t intimidating enough to keep the occasional thuggish raider or small child in check eh?” He chuckled rolling his appendages like mechanical fists making little jabs at the air. “But listen to me being silly, I’m perfectly harmless I assure you, my programming says so.” I was less than assured but he grabbed the nearby quill. “Now down to business, Standard fare is 200 caps a night per pony. We accept standard sparkle cola caps, NCR dollars, New-Pegas casino chips, and barter.”

As expected Lucy slowly looked back at Moonstone and gave him the nod towards the desk, when he only returned a mild glare she nodded all the harder, to which he groaned. “Hey, I’ve been covering your every expense for the past three weeks. I’m already in the hole 3 times over on this escort mission. I can’t keep paying for you forever.”

I raised a hoof. “Isn’t 200 caps a day kindof… a lot?”

Rostov was happy to explain. “From an outside perspective quite so, but to the enlightened, the high price comes with many benefits. Once your room is booked all food, alcohol, designer chems, and medical services are complimentary.”

“Oh..” I Oh’d.

Lucy and Moonstone engaged in some prolonged death staring before the mare relented and turned back to the desk with an exasperated “Fiiiiiineeee!” Immediately putting the polite smile back on for the robot. “Do you take Enclave checks?”

“Unfortunately no ma’am.” the robot answered. “Recent economic upheavals have led management to suspend accepting that form of legal tender until the storm calms so to speak. My dearest apologies”

Lucy winced like she just choked down a word grenade from going off. “I…see…” and with great hesitation reached for her pipbuck. “No issue…no issue…I just… I have something.” she said before hesitantly putting a medical kit on the counter. “4…5…6..Will 10 doses of Med-x cover it?”

“If you don’t mind me asking madame, Are you a certified medic?” Rostov asked with one of his eyes inspecting the box’s contents.

“Well..I passed first aid training if that co-”

One of the nearby security guards coughed into coffee mug and quickly looked away.

Moonstone however facehooved and mumbled. “She’s been carrying enough med-x to kill an alicorn this whole time…”

“Ah, never mind then! These will do wonderfully.” Rustov added before sliding the box behind the counter.

Lucy retreated back looking very grump at the stallion sitting there waiting to cover his own room. Which he promptly did with yet another baggie of caps he pulled out of his saddlebag. How many caps can one pony carry?! What was his day job before this?! I’ve only ever seen 600 caps in my whole life!

It was my turn though. “Uhhhhhh…..” rapidly looking between Rustov and my pipbuck. Looking at my grand total of 0 caps in the corner of the screen. Think Sketchy think! You’re broker than the back of Celestia’s favorite royal guard, you have to have something they want! Blood! Maybe they want my Plasma? “Uhhhhh…..”

Moonstone slid over in the middle of my financial crisis. “One moment… she's…cripplingly shy.” sitting next to me he took my pip-buck leg in hoof and started manually scrolling through my inventory. After many clicks and a few sideways glances from Moonstone at the frozen mare next to him, he booped a button. two folded pieces of paper appeared on the desk.

“No..” I muttered under my breath, wheezing as I felt my soul leaving my body at the realization. These were the only 2 things of value I had to offer. The jar of Pickles barely even registered as worth 10 caps and there's no way he’d deprive me of my only weapon.

“Will..” Moonstone glanced at the pipbuck then back to the bot. “A near-mint centerfold of playmare’s Miss August of 1017 and a mint-condition..” He looked again. “One-of-a-kind explicit Sweetie-belle pinup cover the night?”

“You wouldn’t dare…” escaped my throat as the quietest of squeaks while a nearby guard was choking to death on his midnight coffee.

Lucy lit up like a Hearths Warming tree. “She has what?! Th-thats impossible! Sweetie-Belle refused to do such things throughout her entire career! She’d never…for anypony… even if they were dying!” The pega pulled at her mane like history just whipped out evidence Discord did nothing wrong.

“Certainly! I’ll call the appraiser in the morning. Even if the later item proves to be a forgery, the buzz it will generate about the hotel will be well worth the 100 cap difference.” Rostov answered jovially gently taking the two priceless artifacts and stashing them in a drawer, locking it with a tiny key.

“My soul..” I whimpered with a leg weakly reaching towards the far away drawer.

The bot pulled out a set of keys. “Will everypony be sharing a room? Or will you be sleeping solo tonight?” He asked as if he hadn’t just scooped away my greatest treasures! I still needed to return that pin-up to Button Mash!! I swore on the bro-code! AHHHH!!!

“Yes-”

“No!” Lucy Huffed cutting Moonstone off. coming right up to the desk and taking a key before storming off with a growl towards the stairs. “I’m going to look for my squad mates, Come find me…whenever.”

As I was too stunned to move, one of Rustov’s mental pincers extended out to gingerly put the ‘shared room’ key in a mildly stunned Moonstone’s saddle bag. “My my she appears to be quite upset… I do hope she finds who she’s looking for, but that is a bit outside my area of expertise. My hospitality matrix however refuses to allow a customer to leave my desk angry. One moment.” With that he hovered away leaving me and Moonstone alone at the desk staring wordlessly ahead.

“Sketchy?” he started.

“Yeah..” I answered.

“I'm not mad…but..”

“But?...”

“Think about it…” his brows lowered to that nonplussed look he usually gives Lucy.

“Mad that I had a potentially priceless artifact in my saddle bag?” I shrank.

“No…”

“The 300 pages of erotic fanfiction?...” I shrank even more.

“No…”

“The pickles-”

“The 30 pounds of rocks!” He answered making me wince.

“The rocks? Ohh you mean the rock collection I found!” I hovered out the case of sorted rocks I got on my first day in the wasteland. “Found it right after I left the stable, It's a complete collection and everything! It’s even got obsidian and a bauxite sample in there! Pretty cool right?”I beamed glad for the sudden change in topic, pointing at the various ore samples.

“Yes, it’s a very cool rock collection. A 30-pound rock collection that’s been in your bag every time I pulled you guys around!”

All the instances of Moonstone pulling Lucy and I around flashed before my eyes… and I squeaked. Cream-heart’s auto-wagon, the sled, and every time I told him I didn’t have room for more supplies in my inventory. “Oh…”

“Yeah….” he squinted.

I held the rock collection between my hooves, having forgotten I'd been carrying it the whole time. I kinda had to make it up to him now… and I went with the first idea that came into my head! “You want it?-”

“No, I don’t want your rock collection Sketchy…” He sighed.

“Right….” I looked around the shiny room for an answer to the tension. “Is it too late to say that poster wasn’t mine to give away?”

He buried his face into his hooves and let out a long drawn out ‘why me’ groan.. “Then why do YOU have it?”

I whistled innocently. “Cause I found it…” gingerly tapping my hooves together. “Aaaand I thought Button-Mash was dead so… ya know…the bro code applied.”

Moonstone groaned louder sinking deeper into his hooves.

“Aaaand now that he’s alive…I still need to figure out how to give it back without upsetting him.” Winning smile of innocence activate!

“200 years and something as dumb as the bro code still survives in a stable of all things?!” He asked exasperated puling his muzzle from his hooves.

The sheer insult! “It's not dumb! It's…uhh…honorable! N’ stuff!” yeah that’ll teach him…

“Yeah cause a code about covering up your friend's porn habits is ‘honorable’.” he nudged me with a hoof leaving me to swim in the wave of sarcasm. “Well, better the poster than your ‘Harmonite’ amulet right?”

I gasped, hoof going to my chest to hold where the silver star was hidden under my suit! I hissed and squinted at him. “You wouldn’t dare, fiend!”

“Thought so.” He looked over to the drawer where the Rustov stashed the items for later. “I’m sure we can work something out to get it back in the morning. For now, just try and enjoy the hotel. Maybe help keep Lucy out of trouble?”

It sounded fair, the bot did say they needed to get it appraised. Which meant I had time to buy it back. This place worked like a pawn shop, right? “Lucy’s probably harassing guests already. Given how frequently she's been flipping between ‘beloved comrades’ and ‘traitors’ she won't have enough luscious flank to save herself.”

Moonstone raised a brow. “Luscious flank?”

“Don’t act like you don't look too!!” I will not be judged! I’m the judger of not being judged!

Moments later that totally didn't involve discussing each other's flank stares per hour Rustov returned! This time with a well-dressed yellow unimare in a restored black suit and a sparking gold watch. “Why Hello, I’m Yellow Safflower and I came to welcome you to our fine establishment personally.” she beamed gesturing the the glittering hall, making her wavy orange mane bob. “I like greeting irregulars in person, time permitting. Have the staff been treating you well? Offered samples of the pink champagne? It's not the average wasteland flophouse if I do say so myself.”

I may have dabbled too deeply into Dad's big book of social manipulation, but some part of me deep down felt off about her. She was too…nice? Or was she just too hard to read with that constant 4/10 smile? “We're fine.. Just fine… really nice place you got here. I uhh…” I flawlessly executed my ice-breaking skills.

“Ohh I love playing with the shy ones.” she slipped from proper to giddy and leaned in. “Let me guess. Can't find your room? Want a tour of the grounds? Wondering how an establishment this shiny hasn't been raided?”

Great now I was a game to this fancy mare, and as my readers know all to well, now I had to put this mid-30s mare in her place! “Uhhh…. Yesssss?” my raised brow and look of confusion obviously part of my grand plot to school her at her own game! It was another unicorn after all, I need to demonstrate my horn is bigg- I mean that I am the superior master of social interaction!

Rostov’s eye stalks rotated over to the mare. “Madame, I’m remiss to remind you that the reason I requested your presence was for a potential code dandelion.”

“Code dandelion?” I muttered.

She pulled back sliding back into proper mode. “Ah, Yes, yes, Im aware Rusty.” She rolled her eyes with a faint flip of her mane and maintained that smile. “We've got our hooves full with the prince up in the grand hall, we shouldn't get any more guests tonight so would you please attend to him Rustov?”

His many limbs sank like she had just taken the fire out of his furnace. “You know I can’t refuse madame.. As you wish.” He stated begrudgingly before hovering away up the stairs.

“The prince?” I muttered louder, clearly trying to play the confused and helpless angle. I’m not confused, she's confused!”

She turned back to me “Ah, New in town. The stallion to whom I’m referring would be Mkosagi. Or known to the locals as-”

“The prince of Applewood.” Moonstone lamented. “Seriously? Tonight of all nights that playboy is here? And he hadn't put you guys in the red?”

“What the buck kind of name is Mkosaji” I continued to mumble in the background of this conversation.

“He tries.” She smiled with her eyes closed and a little head tilt. “But the Hotel Coltifornia is always up to the challenge and never turns away a guest that can pay.”

Moonstone looked past her and towards the stairs. “And Lucy ran off on her own again. Of course, the prince was going to be on the prowl here too! Now we need to find her before she gets us killed.”

“How dangerous is this guy?” I squinted feeling like a smaller part of the conversation with every passing moment. Until I was about the same size as the tiny princesses flanking me. Each taking turns throwing rocks, paper balls, and scissors over my head.

“Prowly though he may be…” Safflower glanced away as if looking for the right words. “If there’s one Luxury the Hotel Coltifiornia doesn’t have, it’s being able to have opinions about its guests. Caps are caps.” that's when it hit me… this is her customer service smile! “We can discuss the rest during the tour of our lovely hotel. Starting with this Lucy character.” Her horn glowed a pale yellow as she telekinetically brought over a candelabra. “It really is such a lovely place” Such a lovely face.

—

The tour was, fortunately, shorter than I imagined. With a pleasant lack of stopping to look at every little detail, like the fine cutlery, the potted plants, where the dining hall was, the fact they had a functioning pool outside!, and so many chandeliers!! Everywhere I could hear the white noise of pony activity. Hoofsteps and distant conversations, but I never saw anypony else but a hoof-full of guards. We tried to explain the situation with Lucy, her squad, and…

“Her personality?” Safflower added as we walked past yet another flight of stairs undergoing renovation.

“Yeah~” we sighed in unison.

“Let me guess, Stuck up, full of herself, thinks she's the greatest pair of wings to grace the wasteland? Whines like a vineyard?”

“Yeah!” We answered louder.

“Then this truly is a code dandelion…. Hmm…” She hmm’d in thought until I slowly raised my hoof. “Yes?”

“What's a dandelion?”

She blinked. “It’s a flower. Do stables not-”

“Pfffft…” I deflated “I know it’s a flower. I more mean like…” I gestured my forehoves into the outline of a flower. “What kind of flower is it?”

“It's…one of the most common weeds in equestria before the war… quite edible too.”

“I mean what they look like!”

“....seriously?” now it looked like she was trying to stifle a giggle with a hoof to her mouth. “Did your stable not have pictures?”

“We did.” I huffed. “Until somepony ate the pictures out of the textbooks and some dumb kids licked the dandelion murals off the walls!” An egregious loss of art!

“Glad to see you made it out then.” She hummed to herself as guards sidestepped out of our way. “A dandelion generally has one of two forms. It's either a pretty yellow flower… or it's a puff ball ready to explode into seeds. Which do you think belongs in a beautiful bouquet? The flower or the puffball?”

“The flower?”

“Exactly, nopony even fathoms the idea of putting that kind of dandelion in a bouquet. Many ponies even find the notion insulting.”

“And Lucy is a dandelion?...”

“Yes, She has the potential to be one of the best guests or one of the worst guests in my bouquet depending upon how she behaves… which will be dependent on the very fickle mood her kind is known for.”

By now my book was hovering alongside me steadily creating a sketch of the hotel’s exterior from memory. My Tk may have been holding it up but a pair of tiny princesses covered horns to hooves in dandelions held up the corners. I may have also doodled dandelions all over the hotel while I wasn't paying attention.

“Which is why the staff is on hoof to make sure nothing upsets her and she can forget her problems.. At least for a night. She can harass the other pegasi after they leave my establishment.”

“How’d you know she was looking for other pegasi?” I asked peering over my book.

“They started showing up a few weeks ago, and it's been a steady stream ever since, all of them looking for other pegasi, and more than willing to cash out their shiny armor and guns for the safety of our hotel.”

Moonstone pulled ahead to match pace with her. “And what if they can’t pay anymore? Bunch of refugees and deserters gotta go somewhere right?”

With a momentary pause she adjusted the tarnished tie on her suit. “Those whom cooperate are kindly sent on their way to Club Street, often with an escort if the supply caravan happens to be in that day.”

“And if they throw a fit, beg, plead or in general cause a scene? They get thrown out on their collective asses I take it?” he questioned.

“Unfortunately yes. This is a business after all. While we do operate on an ‘all you can smoke, drink, and eat’ basis, if we let any freeloaders stay we’d go under.” she nodded in turn. “The Aristocrats only send us so much food and Club Street gets stingy with their chems whenever we start outselling their pushers.”

Well if this situation isn't just pragmatically awful. On one hoof they’re juicing refugees for all they have before kicking them out on the street. On the other hoof they are running a business and sinking one's business permanently in the name of charity sounds noble… but would make for an awful economy. The self-sacrificing would become the needy and need a new source of food and water.

“Why don't you hire them? Got tons of space and money here. Ponies that can fly are pretty useful.” I suggested imagining pegas flying and hanging banners up and changing light bulbs… wish I had wings when I had to do the light bulbs in 83.

“We did, But only one. He’s become our designated sky patrol. We tried hiring more but by that point so many pegasi were causing scenes that it built up too much animosity with the guards. Hiring another won't be possible for some time, and every pega that mas a meltdown in the lobby over going broke only resets the clock.”

“Well, that sucks….” I muttered into my book taking notes making safflower’s ears flick back.

“Quite.” Yet another fight of stairs but this room wasn't lined with as many doors, just a few large ones and the remains of the elevators. The sound though… the white noise had given way to a muffled thumping and a faint vibration in the walls and floor “And this is the 5th floor. Over on the right you will find the doors to our grand ballroom, not to be confused with the dining room on floor two.”

“What's that sound?” I asked beginning to feel my blood vibrate as we neared the thumping door.

“The prince has… a particular taste in music. Not to mention taste in friends, pleasurable company, chems, spirits, and other such distractions. It's why all the rooms in our fine hotel have been soundproofed.” she smiled, must be a real selling point that anypony can be as loud as they wanted without waking anypony up.

“Why is he here anyway?” Moonstone asked glaring at the door as we passed it. “I was under the impression all the warlords hated each other. I can literally see several shootouts occurring as we speak from this window.” He pointed at a nearby window.

I looked out the window to see the Applewood cityscape in all its wild doughnut-shaped glory. Moonstone was right, as we spoke there were several spots around the city where tracer rounds and magic laser beams were going up in the air, not to mention the flashes of gunfire. The soundproofing on this place must be impressive If I can't even hear the fireworks anymore.

“That's because the Hotel Coltifornia is a ‘neutral’ space.”

I knew it! I knew this mare was born with a heart full of sickening neutrality! She probably wants gold out of this- wait..wait. .. no. that's the pre-war textbooks talking again. It’s not their fault the River Republics were too far away to care and the griffons were mercenaries for both sides. There's also the Kirin…are Kirin real?

“The Hotel Coltifornia Was founded as a joint venture between Club street’s Azadan and the Aristocrat’s ‘Duke’ as a symbol of cooperation for their most recent short-lived alliance. So no particular warlord owns this hotel, even if some would like to try. We maintain a great degree of autonomy so long as we continue to treat all factions equally. Which is why we let the pegasi in even after their little Operation Cauterize had a raptor destroy the eastern stairwell with a laser beam.” she sighed finally letting some disdain slip out before pulling herself right back into customer service mode. “So he’s allowed to be here.”

“Right…” I discovered that I can only write so fast while walking and talking at the same time. In passing I slowly reached for the door. “Can we go in?”

Safflower stopped to turn and briefly look me up and down. “I’d advise against it… you’re not the kind of mare who would enjoy the prince’s special level of fun.”

My curiosity! It buuurned!!! My hoof kept slowly reaching for the door handle, shaking as it got closer only for Moonstone to drag me away. “She’s being serious now. That its not the place for a mare of your constitution.”

“But now I wanna Knoooowwww!!” I flailed my nerd limbs towards the door growing further away. It was unfair! I wasn’t going to be able to stop thinking about it all night and they knew this! This was vengeance for the rock collection! I should have known he would betray me one day! “Ehhh!! EHHHH!!!”

“Calm down, you’re starting to sound like Lucy.”

I gasped…and faked Lucy’s speech patterns to the best of my ability. “How dare you good sir!”

“Daww, The shy one is a parrot~” Safflower smiled dotingly as I was given progressive rug burn.

“Im not a parrot!” I flailed the whole way up until Moonstone finally dropped me in a room.

“Aaaand here’s your room!” Safflower announced holding the door. “Continental breakfast is from 7 to 10am, and checkout time is at noon. The booze and chems are complimentary, and the room service menu is next to the Tv over there.” she pointed towards the cracked television displaying a ‘technical difficulties’ screen that has probably been on for the past 200 years. “Please talk to the staff if you need anything and enjoy your stay at the Hotel Coltifornia.” followed by her closing the door behind us.

“So…” I started looking around the room. Mostly intact carpet, drapes, a window with only one board over it, and a CLEAN double bed! There was even a plastic potted plant in the corner!

“You go to bed. I’m going to go wrangle a wild Lucy in before she gets us kicked out of here.” the exhausted stallion turned already opening the door. “Please don't be foaming at the mouth when I get back this time?”

“One time!!” I protested shaking a hoof at him. “I try to see if mintals work one time and everypony thinks it's my whole personality!”

Moonstone just looked at me with his dead tired eyes… he didn't have the will to argue with me right now.

“Fiiine!” I threw my hooves up. “I'll just sit here unable to sleep knowing there's some kind of cool party going on downstairs in the ballroom.”

“Right…well if you can’t sleep just use the memory orb in your bag. Basically just as good as sleep.”

“Memory…orb?” I blinked. I Barely knew what a memory orb was much less that I had one!

“Yeah, the one in your inventory. Labeled ‘Daddy’s Morb’” he air quoted before stepping out the door. “No foaming at the mouth when I get back!”

“One time!” I repeated before he was gone. I was alone… and with my track record of times I’d been left alone and unsupervised… I wondered how this could possibly go wrong.

Twas a dark and spoopy night, and my party made the mistake of leaving me unsupervised in an expensive hotel. Woe be unto my plot devices and superficial surroundings! Woe I say! Woe! It began with pacing back and forth, then bouncing on the bed, building a pillow fort, looking out the window, eating a sweet roll I found in a dresser drawer, staring at the TV, inspecting my rock collection, and eventually looking at my Pip-clock to see… 5 minutes had passed. “AGHHH!!!”

Then my potato memory hit me like a tato. I sat up from my respectably flopped position on the bed and started digging through my inventory. Searching….searching… and finding stuff to complain about along the way. “Why is a memory orb under MISC and not the data tab?!” I huffed booping the select button before aimlessly grabbing in my saddlebag with my TK and pulling out a heavy round object wrapped in paper. “Did he plant this on me?” I pondered back to all the times Dad had been close enough to somehow access my inventory. I would have heard his bones pop if he’d snuck up on me… then again.

I remembered all the times he’d startled me, or was just out of view whenever something was going on with me. Like PJ kissing me… or…holy horse apples when he planted this morb on me! Hell, it’s even labeled Daddy’s morb.

I peeled the crumpled paper off it like a fruit and noticed something written on it. I read aloud. “Instructions…” which was followed by a crude step-by-step doodle of a stick-figure unicorn with glasses picking up the orb and booping herself in the horn with it. “Yep…that’s his hoofwriting.” I sighed and looked at the reflective purple sphere. Semi-transparent, flawless aside from a few surface scuffs.

Even I couldn't hurt myself with instructions this simple! I held it between my forehooves and ever so gently booped myself in the horn with it.

Tink!

Level up!
Perk unlocked: Roboticist (rank 1):
Machines will always serve marekind! Your experience with manipulating robots has grown beyond shoving your hoof in them and pressing random buttons! You’ve unlocked several tips and tricks to use on the wasteland’s shelled ghosts. (Harass your GM)

Author's Note

(I graduated! wooo!)