Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

Fallout Equestria: Lunar archives.
Chapter 14: Burn it all down.
By Lakeel.

“What do you mean you can't find her?” I asked, there couldn’t be that many places a posh pega could disappear to.

“I mean I’ve looked everywhere she’d be and can’t find her,” Moonstone explained opening his bag.

I rubbed my temples between my hooves. “Okay, Where haven't you looked?”

Moonstone pulled a small pamphlet from his pack and unfurled it revealing a pre-war tour map of the hotel. “I got this off the desk bot downstairs. While you were out I systematically combed through almost every room I could access, and nothing.”

I looked up from the map. “Almost every room?”

“All but one,” he admitted reluctantly. “Everywhere else is closed off to everypony but staff and that room is the last place Lucy would be.”

I sleepy blinked at him “Don't make me say it…”

“There’s seriously no way she's in there…” he affirmed yet still hadn’t provided a reason.

“I’m gonna say it…”

“I’m telling you she isn’t in there.” He grumbled.

“That's it! I’m saying it! WHY?! Why for the love of all that is brown in the wasteland is Lucy not in the one room you didn’t search!?” it felt like such an obvious question!.

Moonstone glared for a moment before starting to pace the room. “Cause there’s no way she'd go anywhere near the prince. He’s the physical manifestation of everything she hates.”

The gears were slowly turning. “Dare I ask-”

“He’s a raging uncultured hedonist that's why!” He added stomping his hoof into the ballroom’s location on the map. “There no way in Tartarus Lucy would go anywhere near that guy. He’s got more chems in his veins than blood, more money than sense, and is one of the worst womanizers I’ve ever seen!”

“Sweet zapp apples Moonstone, when did this guy piss in your sugar apple bombs?” I asked watching Moonstone seeth at the idea of this stallion's existence.

This prince guy must have pissed in all of Moonstone’s cereal. “Everything in the world exists for his pleasure or not at all. He fucks any mare within grabbing distance and tosses them aside after. Everyone calls him a prince when all he is is just a rich Daddy’s boy. Prancing around like he’s untouchable and owns everything just cause he’s DR Zeeb’s kid. The Actors aren’t the only faction in Applewood you know! Lucy would never-”

Click! “Hoooo-leeeeee shiiiiiiit.” I put on the brakes as the wires finally connected, the grand realization occurred, and I sat there silently letting my face curl into the curliest of shit-eating grins. I could FEEL the raw smuggium entering my bloodstream and it was better than vintage porn. “This isn’t about the prince!”

He quickly stopped once he saw me sitting there just looking at him with that expression. “What?”

“You don’t give a shit about this prince guy, this is about Lucy leaving.”

He tilted his head a bit confused. “Of course this is about Lucy! She's alone in a place she's never been, pisses everyone off she talks to, and the prince is prowling two floors down!”

“Suuuure it is. Ya know for a pair of ponies that argue nonstop you uhh.. Certainly care a lot about a mare you seem to hate.” am I a bad pony for finding a twisted pleasure in this? Nah!

“Course I care! What kind of mercenary wouldn’t care about his charge three weeks into an escort mission?” He retorted in agitation.

I was trying my hardest not to giggle even if a snort of two slipped through. “You’re worried all it took was not paying for her room to drive her off? After everything we’ve done together?”

“N-no… She's not that petty.” He didn't look so confident in that answer.

“And now you can't find her, and the only room you haven’t checked is the one with the only other stallion with the means of helping her.” sweet sweet smuggium.

“That's…” He looked down at me uneasily. Twas the most uncertain I'd ever seen him. “I want to see the job through. Plus this job has already cost three times more than what she promised to pay.” These pitiful excuses!

“If it’s just about money then I guess the idea of Lucy asking the prince for a loan won't bother you then?~” I smugged up at Moonstone.

There was a shocked silence from the axe-wielding mercenary before me, ending with a little glare cause I was right. “Screw you…”

“Hard and fast please!” I wiggled and felt so accomplished for figuring this all out, am I an ace detective or what? “Why am I, the socially inept one, first to notice you care what happens to Lucy? That she's evolved from being a thorn in your ass to, and dare I say it, a friend?”

Moonstone groaned, taking a deep defeated breath. “Okay yes, I care what happens to her! She’s lost, alone, and has nowhere to turn for help. And I was there! I was the one that helped her. Helped both of you. Cause that's what I do, I can’t help myself!” he started pacing the room faster “You’re both lucky my heart’s too big for my own good. Cause I could, would, and will rescue that stray cat Lucy threatened to leave us over. I’ve never been more terrified of finding a stray kitten! Do you even know what that’s like?!”

“Yeah, my dad has the same problem, seems to be a recurring theme. I think I’ll call it ‘gentle giant syndrome’.” I said arcing my hoof in the air like words would magically glitter into existence on a rainbow. “We both appreciate you Moonstone, For everything. Even if Lucy is terrible at showing it.”

“She could at least try…” he grumbled still pacing. “Why does everything she says have to be an insult? Would it kill her to just say thank you without calling me a barbarian? And why does she keep running face-first into trouble?!”

“Cause that's just how she is.” I nodded “Posh, spoiled, whiney, and despite all that I doubt she's considered bailing on us even once. The sheer number of detours we’ve taken and she’s not only stayed with us but also helped out. Bubble town, the ants, the war fields, and even when the rendezvous failed she stuck with us. She’s not going anywhere.” I smiled feeling a little glow in my chest where my wimpy heart should be.

Moonstone’s tension seemed to fade. “Yeah… yeah you’re probably right. I'd probably feel better if she weren’t so unarmed at the moment. Pretty hard to check mailboxes for bullets when you're pulling an autowagon, 3 ponies, and 30 pounds of rocks.”

I squinted. “You're never gonna let that go are you?”

“Not until you have to carry me somewhere,” he retorted matter of factly.

“Let's go find Lucy before you come up with more impossible demands.” I pouted walking past him and opening the door. “To the ballroom! To save Lucy!” I pointed down the hall, chest puffed out heroically! Until a nearby patron raised a brow muttering ‘wierdo’ and I deflated instantly.

We made our way to the stairs for the only place to check was the ballroom. Noticing a cart full of bottles on the way there I immediately got distracted. “Hey Moonstone…” and looked back at him feeling a lil’ devious. “They said the drinks were free right?”

He looked between me and the drink cart. “Well yes, but I don’t think they want you sacking the place.”

I looked the collection of bottles over. “Then maybe they should have worded the rules better. Especially after you gave them my Sweetie-Belle pin-up. I could take 7 carts and it would barely make a dent in the profit.” I looked up and down the hallway trying to see if any guards were coming before I got shoveling bottles into my saddle bags.

Moonstone signed knowing he wasn’t going to stop me. “Is there any sparkle cola in there?”

“Uhh…” I started looking at the labels. “Vodka, rum, gin, beer, beer, beer, rum, brandy- Aha sparkle colas!” I hovered one over to him before grabbing one of my own. “Never had one of these things before, the stable ran out of ‘em before I was even born.” I inspected the bottle, rotated it, and squinted at the cap. I looked back to Moonstone. “How do you get these off-”

Moonstone already had his head tilted back with a bottle in his mouth and a cap next to his hoof. The stallion chugged the bottle before putting it back down on the floor. “Ahh, much better.”

On the other hoof I looked at the cap on mine, then at him, then the cap on mine, then him again. “How?!”

“Just twist it off, or press the cap to the edge of something.” followed by a small belch as 200-year-old carbonation caught up to his size. “Scuse me..”

I looked back to the bottle and engaged my inner caveman. I put the lip of the cap to the edge of the cart and yanked it down with my TK. The cap popped off and fell to the ground with a little ‘tink!’

“See? Now get that caffeine in you so we can get going.” He gave me a pat, making me feel ever so slightly more accomplished.

I looked at the picture of Saint Fluttershy on the label holding a bottle before I drank deep the nectar of the Ministry of Peace. It was room temperature sure, but it was sweet, fizzing its way down my throat as I held the bottle higher and higher. Finally parting ways with a satisfied gasp. “Ahh… hey this is pretty go- BWWEGGHHH!!” erupted from deep within me, far deeper and more powerful than any other noise I’ve ever made. The kind of belch that rattles your bones and leaves you hollow as a tiny part of your soul escapes. “I feel thinner…” I squeaked, shaking a little. The tiny princesses sitting on the cart gave me a round of applause.

Moonstone looked about as impressed as the princesses. “I had no idea I was traveling with a rare and elusive fog-horn belcher, Lucy would feint.”

“Shut uuuuup!” I protested holding the half-empty bottle to my chest. It was mine!

“All that noise in such a small body… and you don’t have a special coltfriend how?” he was taunting me, I just know!

“Hey! I never said I was single! I have… uhh…” I looked at the floor trying to think of a number. “M-Many special ponies! I’m practically the pimp of 83!” He would totally buy that!

[FAILURE] He chuckled in that deep soul-cutting voice of his. “Yeah, You’re SUPER single.” Fuck me, he didn’t buy it! Deflect! Deflect!!

I quickly looked down at my pipbuck. “Oh darn, would you look at the time! We’re late for saving Lucy!” I quickly shoveled the bottles into my bag, scooped the dropped caps, and escaped briskly down the nearby stairs.

Moonstone caught up to me and I could tell he got into my smuggium stockpiles. I'd just started drinking again when he said “So pimp of 83~ What’s her name?”

I proceeded to start choking to death on sparkle cola. Let it be known to all future courts that review my archive, this was the 2nd time Moonstone tried to kill me! Sweet, sweet sparkle cola spewed all over the fine stairs and a coughing fit ensued. “What?!”

“Thought so.” he smugged walking right past me with nary an explanation. “Those double-hinged barn doors must be nice~”

“Oi! What’s that supposed to mean!? You get back here and explain that statement!” I went after him and what followed was a totally me-winning conversation I feel no need to record. At no point was I red as a tato and anyone who says otherwise will be sued for libel.

Still, we made it to the ballroom. Even out here we could hear and feel the faint thumping of music within, strong enough the faintly rattle the gilded door. “Psychoanalysis is my thing…” I pouted taking a seat in front of the door, still no guards around. “So do you have an actual plan? Or do we just walk in there and ask ‘Hey where's Lucy?”

“No that's pretty much it,” he said putting a hoof on the door. “But I will probably kill him if he got a little too hooves-on with Lucy.”

I blinked. “I.. he…” I see Moonstone has reached the ‘damn the consequences’ stage of caring about Lucy. I’d probably do the same to be fair. “Kay…” I squeaked feeling my concern about killing a warlord’s son having long-term consequences fade. I can’t argue with that… “Maybe the Prince isn’t that bad?”

“Doubt it.” he glared at the door. “His reputation proceeds him.” like he was seeing a dozen different foul scenarios that could be beyond the door.

“Right…” I looked around the hall again. “Also, if he’s so important where are the guards?”

“Dont care, You ready?” things really must be bad when I’m the optimistic one.

I got up and tried to brace myself for what I might see inside. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

He nodded and pushed the door open.

—-----------XXX—------------
Authors note: Things get a little extreme here and if you the reader aren’t comfortable with subjects like sex, questionable consent, bedroom violence, or excessive drug use, please skip ahead until you see the -XXX- page break again.

I don’t know what hit me first, the music, the smoke, or the view. The ballroom looked like it had been converted into a lounge of sorts for this guy. The music thumped loud enough that I could feel my blood vibrate, it was nothing like anything I’d heard before. A harsh mixture of heavy beats and synthetic sounds, sure instruments were mixed in, but it felt so intentionally broken and electric. It wasn’t bad, it was just intense. The rises made my coat want to stand on end and the drops made me want to bob my head. It was such an off mixture of feelings, I wanted to dance yet at the same time I‘ve never felt more ready to beat the shit out of somepony. I later learned this genre was a hodgepodge of pre-war rave music, remixed by post-war DJs.

Neon lights refracted through the haze of- “Sweet Celestia!” I wheezed, coughing into my wrist from the overwhelming amounts of zebra weed and other fumes flowing out the door. The fog thinned enough to let me see many vase-like objects with nozzles emitting different colored smoke. That's when I saw them, the Prince and his playthings.

I hate being right, and my dropped jaw agreed seeing a stallion surrounded by so many mares. He was large for a pony, but not as big as Moonstone. His mane stood short and straight, colored the same pure white as his coat, but painted tail to snoot in faded grey stripes. They formed rings under his eyes and twisted together on his flanks to form a 5-point star where a cutiemark should be. He’s… A zebra?! Here?! After 200 years?! And currently in the middle of fucking the brains out of some angry pink unicorn under him. First time seeing real sex aside I pushed the thought about ‘how could she take something so thick’ away and noticed something off. His stripes were grey, and zebra stripes were supposed to be black, right? That's how they were always depicted in the posters and books. [10 Intelegence]“He’s… a Zony?!” my exclamation barely heard through the booming bass. My brain scrambled as the odds of his existence grew ever astronomical and Brain kept trying to steer me back to the wonton sex. “Th-that’s a lot…” My hinds winced seeing his much more powerful hinds hilt the unicorn. I’m pretty sure my nose started bleeding at the same rate as the thick white spilling down between the mare’s legs… into a puddle. Saint Rarity would be kicking and screaming in her grave if she saw this.

She wasn't the only mare, the party lounge had about a dozen others laying around in varying states of ‘fucked’. Passed out, making out, or taking puffs from those vace devices, each looking about as cream-filled as the unicorn currently under the prince. In hindsight I’m surprised I thought he would be done after that, but no. First he grabbed the nearest bottle, drank most of it, and threw the bottle to shatter with the rest on the floor. Second, he scooped a hoof full of pills from a candy bowl and popped as many as he could swallow in one go. Third, he grabbed an inhaler, huffed it, and went a bit cross-eyed exhaling a red mist. “Fuuuuuuck~” What a profound yet accurate first word for me to hear this guy say. Fourth!, he pulled out of the unicorn and slammed his cum coated rod back into her rear making her squeal and pull at the ballroom rug while he enjoyed himself.

I was in a den of sin and depravity and I was not prepared…

“Ughh, He’s turned this place into bucking Club Street… Sketchy… Sketchy!” Moonstone shook me by the shoulders. “Focus!”

“Ah!” I jumped shocked back to the reality of our mission “I’m here! I wasn’t staring I….I was judging! Very judging! Did you find Lucy?” I deflected quickly trying to wipe my nose off on my sleeve.

He rolled his eyes. “No, she’s not in here if you haven't noticed. Which means if she was here, that asshole” he points at the bucking prince. “Is the only pony awake enough we can ask.”

“Ask…him?” I said aloud looking between a perturbed Moonstone and the zony prince. “That’s a great idea! You ask him, and I'll be outside where my ass is safe-.” I started to turn for the door when a hoof caught my shoulder and pulled me back. “Oof!”

“Nope, you gotta do it.”

“M-me?” I squeaked trying to crawl back towards the door.

“Yes, you.”

“Why?! You just said he’s a mare eater!”

“That’s exactly why. If I go over there I’m just some dude, but if you go over there. Well, I think a cute stable nerd can make him tell us anything we wanna know.”

“B-but I don't wanna talk to the horny zony!”

“You wanna find Lucy right?” Darn, he had valid points!

“Yeah…” defeated by words and reasoning!

“Then go ask him. Don’t worry, If it tries to mount you I’ll just kill him.” Moonstone gestured to his scrap battleaxe.

I felt slightly safer knowing that. “Fine…” I gulped, steeling myself for the approach. I tippy-hooved over the broken glass on the dance floor, catching the attention of his side-girls. A few sober enough to smirk, blow kisses, and make cat-calls during my approach. But it was the Prince’s attention I needed, and I didn't get it until I was nigh standing in front of him. “Heeeeey… prince guy.” Flawless icebreaker me! Flawless!

The prince looked up from the back of the mare’s head he was STILL PLOWING and blinked. “Who..?” he quickly looked me up and down before lightening up. “Oh heeeey~ You here to join in doll? Another hit of dash and I can give you a round or five. Plus I think Daisy here needs a break.”

The pink unicorn under him groaned and said “I’m.. not.. Daisy.. you.. Ass..hole.” between his thrusts into her rear.

“Oh…oops.” he shrugged looking back to me. “Wadda ya say? Applewood doesn't get a lot of mares that can pull off the fuckdorable nerd look. It’s all in the glasses really. What's your poison? Caps, dash, gin? I think I have some mint-als left.”

I never knew the Goddesses could be so cruel… For the first time in my life, a stallion was legitimately offering to plow me. Not just plow me, but plow me into next week. He’s big, hot, kinda exotic, and hung like a royal guard… he's actively still using a mare in front of me, and I gotta say NO. “Yeah uhh… I… don’t actually work here.”

“Oh… that's cool, that cool. Better even! The offer still stands. Could go back to your room and give the staff something else to clean? Actually…nah, my room is bigger.” he looked like he was pondering something, weighing his options. “Can you wait till I finish with Daisy-Something here?”

“I’m… not…Daisy!” the mare below groaned louder, glaring daggers into the probably ruined ballroom rug.

“Ughh…” he rolled his eyes seemingly annoyed by her corrections. “Uh-huh…sure, and Daisy suddenly stopped being the pink one with the swirlies in her mane.”

I glanced around to note there were 3 different ponies here that fit that descriptor and the unicorn under him wasn’t one of them. “Uhh… anyways. Mind if I ask you something Mr..prince guy?”

—-----------XXX—------------

The zony nodded “Fire away, I got all night babe. Also it's Mkosaji, but you can call me Moko like everypony else,” he said before taking another huff of the inhaler, the 2nd hand of which made me cough and my nose tingle. “The missing vowel at the beginning is murder to pronounce right?”

“Great…” I scratched my mane. Trying not to stare. “Have you seen a pegasus, bout yay tall, purple, whines a lot?”

“Uhh…..”

“Green grapes on her ass.” Moonstone added standing a safe distance behind me.

“Oh yeaaaah!” Moko brightened up as the memory had just been shaken loose. “Yeah, I think I seen her earlier. The tits on her coming to the hotel alone and unarmed am I right?”

[Perception 5] I noticed a few of the mares rousing from their stupor to watch us.

“Did you see where she went?” Moonstone asked sternly, stepping closer.

“Where she went?” Moko muttered thinking. “Oh she’s probably down in the basement with the rest of the pega’s”

“The rest of the pegas?” Why of all places would Lucy be in the hotel basement? Unless..

“Yeah, Dad likes to send me here whenever he needs a few for one of his movies. Something about wanting to incorporate the Enclave into the plot or whatever. But pegasi are kinda rare and this is the only place he can buy ‘em.” he nodded as it all became clear as mud.

“Buy?” I thought aloud but Moonstone clicked sooner and our eyes went wide in realization.

“You aren’t supposed to tell anypony you fuckwit!!” Yelled the not-Daisy under him, her horn glowing and pulling a knife from under the rug. “Kill them!” She barked and by the time Moko looked back down she pulled the same maneuver I did on Brick. The floating knife turned upward and thrust into his throat.

“Wha-Hurkk!” he gagged and coughed, drug-addled eyes wide, and blood spilling from his teeth. All the other mares in the room sprung to life pulling blades out from under pillows, behind cushions, and then some.

We were surrounded, Moonstone drew his axe and I whipped out my flintlock ready to take on the world! [Wild Wasteland!!] Oh who am I kidding, this went to shit about as instantly as you’d expect. Several mares darted for Moko, stabbing him with their steely steely knives so they can kill the beast. GUITAR RIFF! The rest turned on us.

“I didn’t wanna fight hookers today!” I cried getting back to back with Moonstone.

One mare charged, knife in her teeth, only to catch the wide sweep of Moonstone’s axe. The splatter of pony bits across the floor made most recoil and one scream. They learned immediately to keep their distance and did their best to encircle. “Now you really aren’t getting out of here alive!” another yelled before pouncing, knife in her magical grip. Moonstone shifted momentum in time with the music, shortened his grip, and swung the axe up into her letting his grip extend back out.

Note to self, Moonstone is a master of the earth pony sticky hooves technique, and secondly…I now know a mare’s ribcage can collapse like that. Third- Sweet Celestia he just arced the axe over us and brought it down into the floor on the opposite side, cleaving her torso the rest of the way. If I wasn’t busy screaming in panic I could figure out if I was impressed or horribly disturbed Moonstone was that brutal. “And stay back!”

Then there was me, the other target, Moonstone axe could keep many of them at bay with his wide momentous swinging, But I… I had a flintlock that was slow to load. Not the mention inaccurate, I got one shot off which boomed through the room and left a burning hole in the wall, but as expected it went wide.

It certainly made the knife mares duck and look back at the burning hole, but they quickly looked back at me. “That gun is going up your ass.”

I squeaked, rapidly suppressing the mental image of being sodomized with my own gun, to focus on reloading as fast as I could. I’m starting to notice a glaring flaw in my current weapon design… this was a very single-shot weapon in a very full-auto situation. I had to think fast and there was only one thing faster I could think of! Glittering on a nearby table was one of the countless golden candelabras the hotel had laying around, it looked perfect. I hovered over My new weapon, grabbing it between my forehooves like Moonstone. I was about to beat some hookers to death with a candelabra… What has my life come to? Do they count as hookers if they just work here?

We fought back to back, any mare ballsy enough to pounce Moonstone was met with an axe to the everything. It took the four mares giving Moko more holes than a cheese grater rushing in to overwhelm the stallion. He took out one, while two other knives deflected off his armor, and the 4th managed to get him in the leg. He winced, but that powerhouse of a buck managed to drive them off with a buck to the chest. “Ponies are gonna keep dying until somepony takes me to LUCY!” He swung overhead, bringing the axe down and shattering the tiles under a mare that barely managed to roll away in time.

As for my foray into melee, Moonstone's presence and tendency to change direction with ease kept the ones targeting me at bay…somewhat. One got ballsy enough to charge, to which I promptly put a candelabra-shaped indent across her pretty face. Why did they have to be pretty? “Wow, this thing is sturdy…” I looked down at the glorified candle holder, unbent and glittering everywhere blood hadn’t splattered on it. That mare wasn’t dead though, more rolling on the ground holding her face. The rest came soon after, out for my much-needed blood. I got the feeling they were about as skilled in melee as I was, they knew where to put the pointy end, and were smart enough to try avoiding armor when they attacked. So I got swinging! TINK!! THUNK!! TANG! TUNK!! And.. disturbingly, laughing as I did my best to lay into the mares. I felt so scared, yet It felt…so…good! “Sketchy cast smash!! Ahahahahaha!!”

I had one thing going for me, I was smol and nimble compared to Moonstone. In instances where he would have been run through I only got small cuts. Because logically.. I didn’t wanna be stabbed.

I… may have gotten a little too into it. Because I was looming over a mare beating her face in with the base of the candelabra. A visceral display of blunt violence if I ever saw one. The only thing that stopped me was when everything flashed black and white. I was looming over Tulip-Patch again, tray between my hooves, and I stopped…slowly raising the tray to see a bloody unmoving Tulip. I felt that familiar pull on my shoulders, and reflexively… instinctively.. I swung the tray trying to get that last hit in just like last time. The world slowed and on connection, reality flashed back to full speed, right as the base of the candelabra struck another mare across the face, sending blood and teeth flying while the rest of her dropped. “Fucking Kill!!”

“Sketchy!” Moonstone had been the one who yanked me off the mare in time to keep me from getting stabbed by the one I just hit.

“Ah! Who? What!?” I fell on my rear rapidly looking around the room, seeing the bodies and several mares running out the ballroom door.

“The hell was that?! She was already dead!” He questioned making me look back at the mare on the ground. Her head, her skull… everything neck-up was reduced to chunky salsa dripping from my new candelabra.

I looked back at him. “I… I may have gotten a little carried away.” was the lightest way of putting it as I bit my lip, looking back and forth between my weapon and the body.

“Berserk is more like it.” he sighed setting down his axe now that we were alone “It looks like we need to fight our way down to the basement now.”

“Fuuuuuuuuuck…” I groaned as my mental map of this place took form just to make me feel bad about how many floors up we were. My pupbuck dinged!

Quest updated: Hotel Coltifornia!
-Go to The Hotel Coltifornia. (complete)
-Find Enclave Members.
-Rescue Lucy.
-(optional) Meet Lemon Haze.

“Fuuuuuck me sidewaaaays!!!” I groaned louder after reading the quest! “Yep, she’s been captured. Pipbuck says so.” I wiggled said wrist terminal towards Moonstone for emphasis.

“Yeah, these things are suspiciously all-knowing.” He looked down at his own, lifting the plate. “Mine just updated too and judging by the EFS we have about a minute before the whole hotel bursts in here to skin us.”

I too saw many yellow blips along the top of my vision turned red, many swirling around like they spinning in place.. Or more likely going up stairwells. “Okay.. gotta think, gotta act, gotta think, gotta act, gotta think, gotta- AHA!!” my horn glowed summoning forth a cartoonish lightbulb above my head.

“I see you have an idea…” Moonstone commented looking up at the bulb.

“I do!” After I yeeted the bulb across the room, shattering it into magic dust before I started pulling bottles of booze from my bag. “If we can’t fight them all, let’s give them something more important to worry about!” I beamed with the dumbest grin I could manage.

Let it be known that the first idea I had was to use waffles in place of bread on a sandwich, but my more useful idea was- “I cast YEET!” I yelled throwing another molotov into a stairwell outside the ballroom. Said ballroom was ablaze, the hallway behind us was on fire, and every stairwell that we passed was turned into a smoke chute. Since my kiln spell was just a combination of basic ignition and compression spells it could be used to light things on fire. Like molotovs! Stalliongrad sure knows how to throw a revolution!

The plan was as simple as I was important. If we can't fight all the guards, make the guards worry about something else… like say, a massive fire(s) in their 200-year-old hotel full of flammable expensive things. Rugs, curtains, beds, carpet, wood, and more served as fuel for our great escape! And with no easy access to water for the sprinklers, the best they could do is bucket water from their fountain on the ground floor. The last thing they’d expect us to use is the actual fire escape!

Down we climbed the ancient fire escape and whenever we passed a new window, another molotov went inside. Sure it creaked and groaned under Moonstone’s weight but the hotel’s efforts to restore the exterior made it sturdy enough.

“Shouldn’t we have taken Moko with us?” I asked throwing another molotov through the window, much to the screams of fancy slavers inside. “We kinda just left him up there…”

“Sketchy, The guy had no redeeming qualities and was full of holes. Do we need to bury every pony you learn the name of?” He rebutted, having a point.

“Well no… but it still feels weird leaving him there like that. What if ponies think we killed him? Didn’t you say he was some warlord’s kid?”

Moonstone rolled his eyes lowering the ladder down to the next floor. “They’d blame the hotel first. That and I’m pretty sure he got what was coming to him.”

I climbed down first. “You are being unusually crass about this whole situation. What happened to the big cuddly stallion that would save kittens and reunite ghoul families?”

He followed after. “I still am, just for ponies that deserve it. I’d be super worried for everypony inside the hotel here, if they didn’t turn out to be the slavers that kidnapped Lucy! Not to mention all the other refugees that came here for help.”

“Okay fair, but-”

“There you are!” Yelled a brown uni-stallion in black barding knocking open the window with the butt of his shotgun.

I reacted like I usually do to sudden surprises like that. By totally not screaming and smashing the molotov I was about to throw on his face.

The stallion screamed, firing his gun wide before dropping it as he fell back on the floor. “Sweet fuck AGHHH!! I'm on fire!! Help! HEEEELP!!” he rolled spreading the burning alcohol across the carpet making his situation drastically worse.

I winced watching him kick and scream trying to put himself out. “Ooooh…”

“Welp, if your little scream didn’t alert them we were out here, his certainly did.” once again Moonstone has thrown my ego under the minecart. “Grab his gun and let’s go.” he ordered already lowering the next ladder.

On the bright side… or well, less bright than the flames, Free gun! “Yoink!” First time getting my hooves on a proper gun. I ‘ooh’ed and ‘aah’d at the pre-war weapon. A pump shotgun like the one’s security sometimes puts beanbags in. I doubt this one was full of beanbags though as I gave it a pump and a lone red shell fell out. “Huh… neat!”

Two more floors and we made it to the courtyard that surrounded the building. A little garden area of potted plants and hedges arranged to hide the presence of a storm cellar-like door… poorly. Looking up the fire had clearly spread as flames gushed from the windows of the 5th floor and up. Yep, they aren’t putting that out, but it also meant we had time!

I say that until a gaggle of guards rounded the hotel corner and simply unloaded in our general direction. “Kill the bastards!”

“Ahh!!” I admittedly screamed diving behind some particularly thick-looking pots. Bullets peppered the other side shattering clay, shredding the plant above, and lodging themselves in dirt.

Moonstone had done the same, but he was far less equipped than I to deal with ranged combatants. This time it was on me to save the group…no pressure!

A strange purple fruit exploded above me while I pulled out the rest of my molotovs. Seven bottles of potential booze I could have drank for the first time now used to save my life. With seven rags lit I threw them in rapid succession towards the guards. Several went wide, and several more landed around the guard's feet making them back off, but one genius among them had the glorious idea to shoot the last molotov. Once again it rained fire in Equestria!

The guards scattered, yelling profanities as they tried to put out the small bits of fire falling on them. Twas then I recalled a little field trip we took to security back in Elementary school. Ohh there's that wavy scene transition again!

Wed been gathered one of the security ponies, I think her name was Candy-Gavel or something, for a little demonstration. “Remember kids, we never know when zebras might try to attack the stable, so it’s always good to learn firearm safety at an early age.” she stepped into the shooting range and closed the ballistic glass door behind her. She went over what safeties universally looked like, the difference between mouth grips and unicorn grips, and the ‘deadly laser’ method, but then came the last thing. “Now remember kids, make sure to let go of the trigger before you pump the shotgun again or-” She did exactly that and the gun went off. “It’ll fire immediately and you might hit a friend. Only do it when a zebra is in front of you, even if they call it cheating. Now who wants to play with an inert grenade?” She smiled and the class cheered, begging for the dud grenade… I didn’t get a turn with the grenade.

And in this situation…those guards sure looked like zebras invading the stable. “WREEEE!!!” I charged from behind my pot leveling my newly acquired shotgun. Cone of fire = Less need to aim. Cone of fire also = poor armor penetration. However, armored guards - any real head armor + less need to aim = Shoot them in the face. See? Violence and math can be fun!

If aiming for body shots wouldn't kill them with all that ballistic barding on, I'd simply aim for their less ballistically barded faces. I pulled the trigger and-

BOOOOM!!

A cone of lead and sparks spewed out the end of the barrel, booming deeper than my flintlock but nowhere near as loud. I felt the kick of recoil strain against my telekinesis as pellets shredded the face of the closest guard, blowing it off in a fraction of a second and knocking him on his side. One down, several to go. I swung the barrel towards the next one and slammed the pump down. And I kept slamming the pump down until I was sure that guard was down for the count before moving on to the next. 1-3 shotgun shells to the face seemed to be enough to bring these guys down even when they had helmets. By the end I was left standing there, panting, with a smoking gun and surrounded by spent shells. “Sweet.. Luna’s embrace… it’s finally over.”

Moonstone peered from behind his pot, looking around at the strewn-about guards, dead or groaning as they bled out. “That was uhh… How’d you know about slam firing? Thought you never held a gun before.”

“Elementary…school..” I panted looking back at him, splattered in the blood of my enemies. Wiping my glasses off as I drug myself back to the cellar door. “Now let's get Lucy before I start thinking about all the ponies I just killed.” Brain was developing quite a backlog of issues to deal with never.

Of course the cellar door had a lock on it, what kind of door to a secret slave basement wouldn’t have a lock on it? I looked to Moonstone. “You uhh… wouldn’t happen to know how to pick locks would you?”

“Only padlocks..” he gave his axe a little wiggle. “How about you?”

“Not really… I could stick a screwdriver in it and see what happens. Or we could ask Lucy to… oh riiiight.” I sighed, defeated once again by the lack of lockbreaking skills. “Got a crowbar?”

“Nope.” he looked around. “Maybe a key is under one of the potted plants?”

“We don’t have that kind of time, This place had like…” I counted on my hooves. “At least two dozen guards and we've only killed like…” I turned and counted the bodies real quick before spinning back. “Six! I’d shoot the door open but the gun is empty and-” I paused and blinked. I had 1 shell left, the one I ejected when I first took the gun. Silently I hovered it out of my bag and after some fiddling slotted it in. “Not a word…”

“Have you always had the short-term memory of a goldfish?”

“N-no!” I pressed to barrel of the pump-shotty to the lock and fired. Behold a new hole where the lock used to be! “And to prove it!” I quickly ran over to the bodies and started grabbing their guns and bullets. “Yoink!Yoinkity!Yoink! Mine! Mine now!” one tried to get up as I was looting him, but one quick bonk to the noggin put him back down. “And stay down!”

I went back to the door squinting at Moonstone. “See! Short-term memory perfectly functional.” I huffed.

“Alright, alright, don’t blow a gasket. I just figured you'd notice you had a shell left from the ammo counter in the corner of your EFS.” He pointed out making me blink as he opened the door. I always wondered what that little counter was for…and now when I held the shotty it said 0/17.

Deflect! “Oops would you look at the time, now we're really late for rescuing Lucy!” I trotted right down the cellar stairs with Moonstone chuckling behind me as he followed.

—------------------------------------------

Okay, of all the things I expected to find down here, a veritable forest was not one of them. A sprawling room filled with row after row of suspended green plants, ultraviolet lights, and tubes spraying a gentle mist from the roof. The air was thick with the pungent smell of the hydroponics bay back home. So earthy and… lemony? I took another sniff, looked at all the lined-up plants, and noticed the telltale 5 leaves on each one. “Oh shiiit that's a lot of zebra weed.” I wandered in.

“Yeah, I heard they kept a grow house down here. I’ve just uhh… never seen it.” He seemed nervous, cautiously looking around every corner.

“Hard to imagine they keep slaves down here with all these plants-”

“Moonstone?!” a mare yelled when we passed by one of the many isles of zannabis. We both froze and with eyes wide as dinner plates looked left to see ‘not Lucy.’ Standing there spitting a water hose out of her mouth was a lemonade yellow mare with a messy cyan mane. She had a belt of gardening tools around her waist, dirty hooves, and a lemon atop a 5-pointed leaf as her cutiemark. “You fuck! Showing your face in my grow house?!” The angry pone already storming down the hall.

Moonstone looking scared and backstepping was the last thing I needed to see in a situation like this. I pulled out one of the bloody assault rifles I just got and started fiddling with it. “How do use?! Which one is the safety?! Rack this, slide this? No-” I squeaked as a yellow hoof pushed the barrel of the rifle down to the ground and I looked up to see the mare glaring past me.

Moonstone having backed into a grow-rack chuckling and smiling nervously. “Oh hey, Lemon… How ya been? It's been a while-”

“Oh don’t you bucking use that cute smile on me marefucker! What gives you the audacity to come back here after what you did?!”

Moonstone shrank. “I uhh.. We’re just trying to save our friend Lemon-”

“It’s Lemon-Haze to you bucko! And who’s the pipsqueak here, she’s a bit compact for what you usually go for.”

Sketchy64.exe was struggling to keep up with all this new information and queries each of them sparked. “H-hold up… what could the nicest stallion I’ve ever met have done to you that you didn’t deserve?!”

“Nicest stallion in Applewood sure, Nicest stallion to ever fuck me over too!”

I gasped and turned to my companion. “Moonstone?! How could you!” I had no idea he had a dark side all along!

Moonstone scooched back further raising his hooves defensively. “Now Sketchy it's not how she makes it sound-”

“And my Mom!”

My neck snapped back. “Wait what?”

“And three of my sisters!” Lemon haze continued stepping towards Moonstone.

“What the fu-”

Moonstone gulped as the smaller unarmed mare got even closer and he had nowhere else to back away to. “Lemon-”

“Lemon haze!”

“L-Lemon-Haze…I told you I had no idea you were related. Each of them needed help with something and one thing led to another. I-”

“Horseapples! What you did-”

“That's it!” I broke in “ Will sompony please tell me what's going on here?!” I waved my hooves until I accidentally dropped the gun and it put a round into the ceiling. “Oops..”

Lemon rolled her eyes. “He fucked me. What else is there to it than that?”

“That tells me literally nothing!” I kept waving my hooves for emphasis. “Did he shoot you? Rob you? Sell your family to raiders? How did he fuck you over?!”

She blinked and looked at me a bit confused. “Uh…Literally.”

My mind screeched to a halt. “Lit-.. He what?...” Error! ERROR!! Emergency eject Brain! Emergency eject!

“Plowed me into a puddle admittedly.” She rolled her eyes and gave her rear a little bounce to clarify the meaning. “But big, cute, and hung over here also dicked his way through the Haze family tree. Don’t know what I expected from a stallion who won me over with honeyed words, manual labor, and that damned smile!” She bapped a hoof to Moonstone’s snoot keeping him silent. “Let me guess, he makes your hinds dangle off the ground too?”

“N-No?” I tilted my head. “He saved my life from a cannibal though, been traveling together ever since. I mean sure he’s hot, and I’m absolutely a sucker for big stallions… but I’ve never slept with him, and I doubt Lucy has either.”

Lemon’s eyes shifted back to Moonstone. “Lucy?”

“Hmfff” Moonstone muffled through her hoof trying to give her a pleading look with those blue eyes. To which Lemon-haze begrudgingly removed her hoof. “First of all, Purple, Ripper, and Amnesia all came onto me, because YOU bragged about ‘barely having to wiggle your ass to land a caravan guard.’” he air quoted glaring at her.

“I did not!” She retorted getting in his face.

“Oh please! All four of you laid it on thicker than your product!” he growled. “Suffocating!”

“Guys!” I interjected pushing them apart and looking between the two.. “If you’re not going to move on to the 2nd thing about rescuing Lucy. Could you please start making out so I can draw it?”

Lemon haze blinked down at me. “Yeah, you definitely ain't fucked her if she's that cool with sharing you. That or she’s freaky…”

“The second thing..” Moonstone started pushing the mare’s dirty hoof further away. “Did the hotel staff bring a purple pegasus down here? Was probably screaming and calling them dirty surfacers? We’re…here to rescue her.”

“Again,” I added.

“Again..” Moonstone sighed. Lamenting the sheer number of times Lucy needed to be saved…usually from herself.

“So you’re plowing posh turkeys now?” She questioned raising a brow.

“Pffft no!” I pshawed! “They hate each other!” I giggled pointing at Moonstone. “They argue constantly, insult each other, disagree on everything, and fight like a married couple. Not a day goes by without them being at each other's throats at least once… But she’s our friend so we're here to rescue her.”

Lemon looked back to Moonstone growing a little smirk. “I see~ So handsome here finally met his match huh?”

“Yeah.” I smiled. “She’s the best thorn in the ass we’ve ever had! Now if you could just point out where all the slaves are kept we’ll be on our way.” Maybe the happy-go-lucky routine will work on a mare like her.

She pondered the idea for a moment, mainly looking over Moonstone and smirking deviously before she shrugged. “Ehh, buck it. Third row from the back, left side, you'll find a metal door down to a pre-war pump room the staff turned into a prison. Turn the handle three times to the right and once to the left to open it. Go down the stairs, and you'll find the cells. Keys are on the wall.”

“Cool!” I started to walk off in the direction before coming back to ask. “Why the sudden urge to help us? Not that I don’t appreciate it, but don’t you work here?”

“Work for them?” she pointed up at the roof. “Nah, fancy pricks won't let me stay in one of the rooms. They just let me grow down here so long as I give them a supply. But now that the building’s on fire I suddenly don't get paid enough to give a shit.”

“Oh… cool! You escaping too?”

“Probably, Just giving my crop a quick shower before I run off with my seed pods. I’ll Come back later to salvage the hydroponics. Speaking of which, in the back of the pump room you can use the wastewater access hatch and take the sewer pipe outside. Let's out right behind the hotel.”

“Even better!” I cheered before turning towards the pump-room/prison door. “Thanks Lemon Haze! Hope you don’t burn!” I called trotting right along.

I swear I could have heard the sound of a flank getting swatted, and Moonstone making a small yelp once I was out of view. Lemon giggled and said “Go get ‘er thunder nuts. Always knew there was a reason you nearly broke Purple-Haze’s back.” but that was probably Brain being a pervert again.

Quest updated: Hotel Coltifornia!
-Go to The Hotel Coltifornia. (complete)
-Find Enclave Members.
-Rescue Lucy.
-(optional) Meet Lemon Haze. (complete)

—-----------------------------------

Over the hills and through the woods I found a door of iron!~ With three turns right and one back left a winding staircase I hath earned~ Pipes strewn left, and pipes strew right, like only the roots of the city could contain Lucy’s gripe~ I dashed and I pranced, down into the deep, to the land where the radroaches creep~ Low and behold, here among the mold, was a great mist that-

My whimsical bout of poetry was ruined by the sudden coughing fit brought on by the wave of smoke that poured out of the room. Once it cleared I saw the squalor the mists had hidden. The concrete room was lined with impromptu prison cells packed to the brim with pegasi lying around wherever they could. Across from the cells was a table loaded down with half-destroyed Enclave gear. Scuffed-up black plates, broken laser weaponry, disassembled helmets, and more lay as a testament to the hotel’s reverse engineering experiments. At the far end of the table, I found the source of the prisoner's drowsiness. A vase contraption like the ones from the ballroom but with the lid left open to fill the room with smoke. Lemon Haze’s product was being used to keep captive pegasi docile until buyers showed up.

After a few coughs and snuffing burner, the smoke cleared the rest of the way. “Okay…which one of these poor souls is Lucy?” I scanned the prisoners whilst Moonstone got the keys off the wall to open the cell. Even with the doors opened the Enclave prisoners barely moved, groaning incomprehensibly and muttering about food. At the far end of the cell slumped against the wall was our quest target- I mean friend! Lucy!

“It’s about time you got here!” she huffed getting up and looking a lot more sober than everypony else. “I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to show up.”

“Lucy! You seem…” Moonstone started.

“Sober…” I finished.

“Of course I’m sober!” Said the mare with only mildly bloodshot eyes. “It’ll take something far stronger than this weak trash to make me anything less than a composed and proper lady. Humph!” she puffed her chest out and did a little flutter of her wings to all dignified. Yep, that's our Lucy. Lucy’s resistance to Zebra weed aside she stepped out of the cell with a dignified humph and took her things from the top of the enclave salvage pile. That is until she noticed blood running down Moonstone's leg. “Beating wings!” she darted over. “When did you get stabbed?!”

“About…” I tapped a hoof to my chin. “10 minutes ago I think?”

“And you didn’t bandage him?!” she protested opening her medkit and fishing out the aforementioned bandages. “And why are both of you covered in blood? What happened?!”

“Well, it started with looking for you..” I scratched my mane. “And ended with us killing a bunch of hookers.” I gave my winning smile hoping I wouldn't have to go into more detail.

She just looked back at me and squinted with those judgemental green eyes of hers as she bandaged the leg.

“Okay, so the hookers started it!” is always a good way to start any explanation. And try to explain what happened I did, to the best of my ability at least.

By the end of the story, Lucy blinked looking at me swinging the candelabra for effect. “I’m away for an hour.. so you beat the local courtesans to death with a candelabra and lit a pre-war motel on fire. Because rampant arson was your first idea?”

“Well it wasn’t my first idea, using waffles in place of bread on a sandwich was my first idea, but that about sums it up yeah.”

She blinked. “I can’t leave you two heathens alone can I?”

“And we ran into Moonstone’s ex-fillyfriend.”

“You WHAT?!” Lucy yelled suddenly tying off the bandage really tight making Moonstone wince.

“Yeah, she's this really nice mare that apparently grows all the zebra weed ‘round here.” I wiggled in place recalling a few moments ago. “She told us how to get down here, where the keys were, and how to escape the hotel!”

“She did, did she?” Lucy glared up at the stallion she was bandaging.

Even Moonstone's sweat drops were big! “Now Lucy it’s not like that. It was a long time ago and she just happened to be working here.”

“Uh-huh, sure, Well talk about this later.” she leaned in before huffing and turning back towards the jail cells. “Now to get all these drug-addled misfits out of here before the building burns down.”

“Great idea!” I chimed in with a smile before dropping it instantly. “How? They're all stoned off their collective asses. I think that one over there might be dead- wait no he twitched.”

“Simple. I know something that always works, just give me a moment,” she said putting a wing to her chest. “Ahem.” she cleared her throat a little while the anticipation built. “Ahem!” she did it a little louder glaring at the pile of pegasi. “Hardball it is then…” She took a deep breath before bursting into a much deeper commanding voice. “Wake the FUCK up maggots!” banging a hoof on the prison bars.

The stoned pegasi started scrambling to get up on their hooves with many falling right back over only to try again.

“I said wake your sorry asses up NOW! Every last one of you, except Noctilucent, is a waste of the space the Enclave has given you! You are a disgrace you worms with wings! I want to see each of your sorry asses outside in 5 minutes or I will pluck you alive and send you home to your mommies! DO you hear MEE!!”

“Y-Yess Sirr!” The pegas slurred and struggled to salute Lucy before tumbling out of the cell, grabbing the remains of their gear from the table.

Lucy leaned back toward me and whispered. “Which way is the exit dear?”

“Back up the stairs, sewer hatch on the other side of the pump room.” I whispered back.

“You heard the lady maggots!!” She resumed. “Get your kit and get ready for tube drills! Cmon! Those filthy surfacers can't hide in their caves forever! They ain't gonna wait on you! Go!GO!GO!!!”

The pegas flocked towards the door scrambling to get down the hall and run towards the sewer access point. To which I said “Wow…Were you a security head or something?”

Lucy coughed a little into her wing. “Oh hardly, I simply mimicked what Captain Hardass- I mean our old drill sergeant sounded like. He made sure the fear of senior officers was grilled into every last recruit. Well except me, Daddy made sure he wasn’t mean to me.” she smiled and made her way to the door. “Coming? I have a bunch of druggies to herd.”

“Spoiled daddy’s girl…” Moonstone grumbled to himself following along.

I quickly scooped what was left of the enclave gear into my bag and ran after. “Coming!”

Just as Lemon-Haze said, the pump room had sewer access that led straight outside to a little cliff area behind the hotel. Good thing all the sewage has had 200 years to wash away and decompose. Might have been smelly otherwise. And sitting on the edge of the pipe watching stoned pegas jump and fall off the end of the pipe was Lemon-Haze.

“I see you found your special friend~” Lemon smirked and gave us a little wave.

Lucy paused for but a moment, looking straight at mare. “Is that her?” I swear I could have seen some kind of dark aura coming off the pega, that or all these second-hand chems were finally getting to my head.

“That’s…” Moonstone started but Lucy already started walking right up to Lemon-Haze. The two stared each other down, getting snoot to snoot, and squaring up.

Moonstone raised a hoof “Uhh Ladies, can we just calm-”

“Shut it!” They said in unison focusing on their stare-down.

I looked between all three of them feeling some kind of tension I couldn’t quite place a hoof on. “I don’t know what's going on… but could you two please kill each other or make out?”

They briefly looked at me and then back to each other. “Darling has a point,” Lucy stated. “Your product is subpar.”

“Course it was. They figured my bad batches would be enough for turkeys like you.” Lemon haze countered.

“Guess I’m just better than all the other pegasi then.” the two circled each other, looking each other over, glaring all the while and slinging insults back and forth.

“You find out about his collection yet?” Lemon smirked.

“Yes, and I think it’s rather cute, even if a bit uncultured compared to the true classics.”

“Hmm… good. Star-Trot or Star-Mares?”

“Trick question, canonically the same universe after the 1027 crossover. Confirmed during the 1038 Star-Mares convention, with plans for a sequel announced just before the bombs dropped.”

“Ohh smart turkey. Well informed for something you consider uncultured.”

“The books were better.” Lucy scoffed.

Lemon feigned a gasp. “Truly a mare of culture.” a smile crept onto her face. “Good enough in my book, you have fun with thunder nuts, and don't let him abuse that pretty boy smile too much.”

“Humph! I have no idea what you’re alluding to. His smile is average and he is simply a work friend.” Lucy folded her forehooves in raw indignation.

I can only take so much confusion before I hurt myself! “What are you two even talking about?! I’ve been lost this entire time! Are you gonna kill each other or not?!”

They looked back at each other before Lemon spoke up. “Nah, I think we're done here.”

“Quite.” Lucy pomped before jumping off the edge of the pipe and gently gliding down atop a pile of crashed pegasi, walking her way down, and stepping on many a face along the way.

The rest of us non-fliers hopped down right after much to the ‘oof!’s of the pegas we landed on.

I looked back at the Hotel California seeing how it turned into a gilded conflagration. Flames spewed from every window third floor and up while many ponies made use of the fire escape like Moonstone and I. Then I remembered, I’d forgotten something. “Luna’s horn spinning in my ass!!! I forgot Button’s Poster!” I cried pulling at my mane as I looked up at the towering inferno.

Level up!
Perk unlocked: Scrounger(rank 1)

You’ve gotten better at finding Ammunition. Containers and NPCs will likely contain far more ammunition even if you can't justify why the raider with a pipe pistol has 73 plasma cells.

Achievement Perk!: Burning down the house! (Rank 3)

-Just take the ‘Burn!Burn!Burn!’ perk already! +15 to fire resistance.