Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

Fallout Equestria: The Lunar Archives
(By: Lakeel)
Chapter 5: Princesses in the Sky.

It’s hard to tell if this day was making my bucket list grow shorter or longer. Seeing the surface of Equestria crossed one off for sure, but everything that's happened since then? Seeing the surface was soon replaced by killing whatever pony or zebra thought it was a good idea to balefire blast every last bathroom out of existence! I spent a good ten minutes running down this road trying to find one without a building in sight.

The moonlight helped as much as it could to let me find a non-burnt down bathroom along the road. In the ever-wise words of the passed ‘Cloudy-Skies’ I was in the middle of ‘Buttfuckistan nowhere’ and I hadn't seen a single building aside from a plywood shack leaning against a sad-looking power pole. All I found was a rusty toolbox, and with no stable, there was no getting the maint-techs to pop it open on the sly. That's not to say I didn’t try to get it open, but finding a spot where it didn’t feel like all the endless chirping field bunnies were watching me was still my first priority.

Tulip would never let it go if she found out I’d devolved to cave-pony levels less than a day after leaving. What would PJ and Bronze think?! I’d be hailed as some kind of savage, or maybe a survivalist extraordinaire for having to go out in the- Oh hey a key!

On one of the only non-rotten posts in this shack hung a lonely key-ring on a nail. “What are the odds somepony was lazy enough…”

The now very dented from repeated pavement beatings toolbox took the key immediately. The mechanism within ground against rust, but the latch popped open. “Yis!” I hoof pumped. “Two hundred years and ponies still leave the keys in the same room as the lock. Isn’t that right, girls?” I asked the tiny princesses that flew into view and silently nodded in agreement. wearing stable maintenance suits, they tried fruitlessly to open the rusted lid. “What about you B-rad?” I hovered the stuffed rad-roach out of my saddle bag and squeezed him.

Squeeeeak~

“Yeah you're probably right, I’d put meal tickets down it's got a hammer in it.” B-rad back in the bag, I stepped out from the shed of shame and set the now unlocked toolbox on the pavement. “Roll the dice aaaand!-” I lifted the lid with a hoof and blinked, perusing the lackluster contents. “Let's see…” One at a time I checked the contents. “Duct tape” Taking that. “A screwdriver which I already have..” tossed it. “A lightbulb?” Tossed with a small shatter on the pavement behind me. “Sockets for a ratchet I don’t have…”

What kind of pony keeps a LOCKED toolbox but not a complete set of tools inside!? There was more of interest under some faded receipts. Seven little bullets, but no gun like Watcher-Two said I needed. At least my pipbuck said they were 9mm rounds. Couldn’t call them quarter-inch rounds or pistol rounds or something simple like that? Just had to be in Prench measurements, didn't it?

Lastly at the very bottom were the remains of a magazine. The cover was faded to hell, but the body was in much better condition. “Please be readable…” I prayed opening it delicately so it didn’t crumble like the previous ones did. “Oh… oh my..” my muzzle got warm and my tiny Celestia put a hoof over her little sister's eyes, Luna doing the same to Celestia immediately after. One page became two, became three, became a centerfold that unfurled to the ground. “Well, h-hello Miss August of 1017… wh-what brings you to a shed like this?” I stammered a little feeling my cheeks curl into a dumb grin as I took in the view, and what a view it was. Faded and tattered at the edges was a full-body pin-up of a salaciously posing unicorn remarkably intact. That devious smirk, her flawlessly groomed sun-orange mane on khaki coat drew my eyes down the image to the arrow-pierced heart cutiemark on her flank. ‘Back on the market again~ find me at Playmare-Manor boys~’ captioned at the bottom.

I coughed. “I’m just gonna… yeah.” I got my book and whistled innocently folding the pre-war treasure back up and oh so casually slid it between the pages. Little Celestia squinted up at me while her sister smirked. “What? You two wanted me to open it! Don’t judge me.” I huffed stowing my book back in its designated saddlebag. I’d just found some pre-war pony’s stash, no wonder there were no actual tools in there. That Miss August though... Wow. I’d really like to meet her and-... oh yeah, she’s probably very.. very dead. Two hundred years dead in fact. And that means not only is she very dead, but she's also old enough to be my 10x grandma… But did that make this centerfold of hers any less hot if I just didn’t think about it? Questions for future Sketchy to figure out!

Pipbuck even said it's worth a hundred caps! How did the pipbuck know that? Back in 83, the little ‘C symbol had been an ‘MT’ for meal tickets. I always thought somepony sat around updating the value roster on the local network like some kind of business pony of old. Was somepony out here doing that too? Watcher-two said that caps were the currency of the wasteland and there’s no way an item would have the same value universally no matter where you were. Could it? Maybe I should actually meet some ponies first before I dive off the deep end of speculative economics. ‘Begone higher thinking’ I thought, manually scattering the thought bubbles above my head into nothingness with a hoof.

It’s still quite dark out here, the moon grew higher, and my pipbuck said it was a quarter past ten. Normally I’d be in my room right now, doodling or writing away till I got tired enough to pass out. I wonder what everypony else did today? Was the daily cycle thrown off by my departure this morning? Or did it continue as if I'd left? What was Dad up to? Maybe he was staring at the stable door waiting for me to come back… or maybe he went to bed an hour ago. Did PJ drag Tulip off to start picking her brain like she said she would? And what are Tulip and Bronze up-... yeah no Tulip is definitely getting railed stupid by Bronze right now. I sighed and glared into the dark distance ahead of me “Which reminds me… Where am I gonna sleep tonight?”

As nice as the moonlight was, I’m tired, and Luna’s domain beckoned me to whatever nightmare she prepared from today’s events. I know back in surface class they mentioned something about a ‘camping’ thing ponies did for fun. Though, I currently lack a tent, marshmallows, sleeping bag, or friends to push the set-up onto while I wander off to get firewood. Ya know, so I can be taken out by an Ax-murderer. “Luna damn it..” I groaned squinting further down the road for anywhere I could spend the night in comf-

There was a flicker of light just down the road, small and wavering just like the house I torched. Was that a campfire?! Real honest to goddesses ponies!? Finally, an opportunity to flex my social skills and make friends. I ran a hoof through my mane to straighten it up a little and got trotting, social interaction here I come!

***

There were three of them gathered around the campfire. The little princesses and I peered from behind an old concrete barrier beyond the wavering light of the less ‘camp’ more ‘trash’ fire. Social interaction seemed like such a good idea a mile ago, but that highly motivated trek over here got me thinking. For one, social interaction would probably involve me starting the conversation. I never do that! What if I screw it up?! It was my goddess-given right to have everypony other than me initiate the conversations, that way the anxiety doesn't kill- oh hey they’re talking! Crouch harder!

The trio looked quite similar, all three earth-bucks had tattered clothes, puke green coats, and filthy blonde manes worse off than mine was before PJ’s intervention. I’m going to guess brothers.

Bigguns with a gray brick stamped on his ass was definitely the eldest. “I’m telling you guys that there's another one of them roaming around out here. Saw 'em roaming around near the poster shack.” the eldest spoke pointing a hoof to his presumed little brothers.

“There ain't no way they’re ALL as dangerous as you keep saying they are. Most of em’ can't even hold a gun straight, it's why they keep getting wiped out.” The middle brother retorted while wiping the world's grimiest rag along a vaguely gun-shaped amalgam of pipes and screws. His mark was the least inspired thing I think I’ve ever seen.. a singular.. gray.. rock. Just a rock… No cracks, no sword sticking out of it, nothing. “The Lightbringer, Security, the ghost, and even Lord Jerry-Can McKillsAlot or whatever his titles were are all exceptions to the rule, not the standard.”

“Yeah bro, It's really hard to believe every single one of them is some kind of monstrous badass, they’ve got like… a what? 80% losing streak?” The youngest chimed in meekly tapping his forehooves together with an equally meek smile. He seemed the cleanest of the three, barely, his flank planted firmly on a cinderblock. Brothers called it! Youngest had an ‘S’ of small rocks for a cutiemark and overall he looked… Wow, even I could break him in half.

The eldest rolled his eyes. “I never said all of them were indestructible bonafide badasses, okay. Half of ‘em are dead! I’m just saying, there are signs that will usually tell ya whether they’re the helpless ‘please rob me’ type or the kind that turns you into paint.” I’d like some paint…

“Oh oh! I know the first one!!” The youngest raised his hoof with more energy than his frame should be able to justify. “Number one is that they look like a walking armory right?” he smiled with MOST of his teeth.

The eldest slowly clapped his hooves. “Yeah, real hard to miss sign there Pebble… really hard to miss.” Mmmm tasty sarcasm.

“Alright then smartass, what’s your version of the rules then? Does it involve bucking em’ a few times to see how fast they break?” the middle chided, putting the butt of the pipe-rifle-thing to the ground and using it to lean on while he sat there. “Side point, is there any version of the word buck you don’t do as frequently as possible?”

“Yeah, the version of ‘buck’ where I buck a dictionary at you next time we find one.” the biggest threatened.

“Thesaurus..” The Pebble added, hoof raised again.

“Shut up Pebble…” the big one deadpanned, “Goddess damned nerd.. bucked in the head.. Talkin’ bout dinosaurs…” he grumbled, facehoofing while Pebble slowly lowered his hoof. “Rule number TWO to tell the helpless from the dangerous. If you see more than one they’re helpless nigh every time. Rule two point five! If you see only one of them, but they are traveling with a group, they’re usually dangerous.”

Pebble raised a hoof again. “What about-”

“Rule two point seventy-five!!” He plowed right through his little brother's question. “If you find one truly alone, with nopony else around… ehh it's a tossup at that point.”

“You’re making this sound real easy Brick. Like... What if one isn't wearing the usual getup?” Pebble pointed out the gaping hole in his brother's logic.

“Nope, my method is flawless, they Always ALWAYS wear the suits. Never seen one without one. I’d probably wear one too if we could get one without HOLES IN IT!” he looked to the middle brother in particular at the mention of holes. “Those things are probably all kinds of breathable in just the right places.”

‘Fiiine, I’ll let ‘em stab you next time, See how fast the mighty Brick begs for help when I don’t shoot one.” The middle folded his hooves indignantly.

Brick rolled his eyes and gruffed in his deep voice “Aaaand you’d be fucked Rocky, you and little Pebble over there. Seriously, what would you two do without me leading the way?”

“Well not starve for one, actually make it to Old Appalusa for two, and-” Rocky started counting off on his hoof.. and after number one resorted to doing little hoof waves for the rest.

Pebble groaned and I could just barely hear his stomach from over here. “Really wish we’d find one of the helpless kinds, would be nice to eat more than once this week.”

Ohohoh! Perfect conversation starter right there! I had food, they needed food, I needed friends, and they are possible friend material! It's perfect! I finally uncrouched to fully look over the barrier “Maybe I can help with that!”

In a split second Rocky swung his pipe-rifle down and bit a metal piece sticking out the side- BANG!! The air cracked with possibly the loudest thing I’d ever heard, like I was standing next to a rock-breaker exploding. I stood there, hoof halfway up in the air frozen mid wave I just started… when I sloooowly looked down. There, just a little off to my right was hoof sized crater in the concrete barrier. The breath slowly escaped my lungs in a long drawn-out wheeze as I stared at the impact spot. I almost fucking died… Like it was nothing! A foot to the right and a few inches higher and I wouldn’t have a chest anymore.

“Who the fuck’s there?!” Rocky yelled leveling that rifle in my general direction, the other two stood to attention. Pebble grabbed a stick in his teeth and Brick was his own weapon.

Nopony would blame me if I crouched back behind the barricade and took a second to have a small heart attack. “Sweet fucking Celestia don’t shoot me!! I just wanted to say Hi!” I screamed.. internally.. wait no, that was quite external in fact. I covered my head with my hooves as if they’d somehow keep me from getting blown away.

“Why you sneakin’ around then? Here to steal our shit?! Ain't nopony takes our stuff!” Brick threatened kicking some of the gravelly dirt with his hooves like he was ready to charge me.

This is why I don't start conversations! This is the shit that happens! I needed to diffuse the situation fast otherwise I’m really going to die on my first day. “I-I don’t want your stuff! Q-Quite the opposite in fact. Overheard you guys were starving and I was gonna share what I had!” See I could be reasonable! Cowering under my hooves was just part of my ‘I’m harmless’ tactic… yeah let's go with that.

“Buuuullshit!” Brick called from the camp and my gut sank. “Nopony out here gives stuff out for free. We ain't got nothing to trade or take.” Oh no, why is my first attempt at charity biting me in the ass!

“You with one of them sneaky gangs? How bout the rest of you cowards come on out here and stick us up like actual raiders!?” Rocky yelled, and I couldn’t see how but I heard the metallic click, ping, and sliding of rusty metal that must have been him reloading.

“I’m not with anypony!! I’m just trying to be niiiice!” I called back refusing to come up from the safety of my two-century-old barricade. “Don’t fucking kill meehehehe!!” I’m not crying, they're crying!

“She erm… guys? I don't think she's lyin’.” Pebble interjected around his self-defense stick, looking at his brothers questioningly.

“She's definitely lyin’!” Brick retorted.

“No seriously, I-If she was with one of them sneak gangs, why’d she reveal herself rather than just shoot us from such close range? In fact, If she managed to get that close, why aren't we being held up by half a dozen other ponies right now?” Thank the princesses Pebble is the smart one!

“Yeah what he said!” I pointed out briefly raising a hoof above the barricade to emphasize my- his- OUR point!

“Even if she's a solo act, there’s no way a thief would just blow her cover like that,” Pebble added.

“Listen to your little brother!” I added more by doing a little hoof wave in Pebble’s general direction.

“Hey, how'd you know we were brothers?” Brick questioned and I could hear the glare in his voice aimed directly at the barricade he might just buck over with ease.

“S-seriously? That's what you're concerned about?” I asked, retracting my hoof and staying flush with the concrete. “Well, I’ve been here for like half an hour, so that helps! All three of you look the same, Pebble called you bro, and all of you have rock-themed names! Discord’s dick in a beehive, how could you not be brothers?!”

“The hell’s a beehive?” Brick asked after a little pause.

“I think she’s referring to pre-war honeybees Brick… ya know, Rad-Bees?” Pebble answered for me. “Its where phrase kicked the hornet's nest comes fr-”

“Alright, alright we get it. We all know you’re a nerd and you can read. But what do pre-war bees have to do with… hey wait a minute.” he paused, massive gears finally turning. “Hey, you there, behind the concrete. You a ghoul?”

“A what?” I answered faster than I could think. I’m not a zombie from those ancient comics, nor am I a mushroom head from that crappily made ‘Just-Say-Neigh’ film we watched in third grade.

“Did she really just say ‘a what?’” Rocky’s tone made me feel his eyebrow rise with his voice, followed by a few clinks of the gun being shifted around. “Just.. get out here, I’m not gonna blow yer head off.”

“O-Okay…” With the tin-foil olive branch extended I slowly got back up onto my hooves and looked to the brothers. “H-Hi?” I squeaked and smiled now in full view, rapidly taking note that the rifle wasn't pointed at me anymore.

There was a long silence where they looked at me followed by Rocky and Pebble slowly turning their heads to glare at Brick who was standing there halfway through ripping up a small dead tree in his teeth… which he promptly dropped. “What?..”

“You just had to say somethin’ about stable dwellers didn’t ya?!” Rocky barked at the eldest. “Ya just had to go talking about em’ and all of a sudden one shows up at our camp? Holy horseapples is this family cursed?!”

The two of them quickly fell into a back-and-forth altercation over all the bad things that kept happening to the trio the past week. Something about Brick knocking over a rack of mirrors at some ruined store? Either way, I steadily stepped out from behind the barrier and into the firelight. Pebble looked me over as I approached, scanning for danger. We kinda just stared at each other for a while. I wasn’t a telepath, but somehow just awkwardly staring like this conveyed all kinds of information. “Sketchy…”

“Pebble-Path…” he answered simply, and a small idea hit me.

My horn glowed its amber and with minimal recoil from Pebble-Path, I pulled out one of my cans. “Canned taco?” I offered, shaking the can a little, feeling its weight in my magical grip.

“That would be nice,” he answered, starting to smile. Rocky and Brick paused their argument to stare at the can as well. These little ponies were hungry.

***

The moon had risen another hoof’s worth into the sky while we got cozy around the trash fire. “So let me get this straight.” I started, jamming a fork into the open taco can before hovering it over the Pebble. “Your mom had a theme going here. You’re Pebble-Path.” I pointed a free hoof to Pebble, who like me was sitting on a cinderblock eating white-wonder-ball out of the can.

“Mmhm” he answered muffled by fork and taco.

“You’re Rocky-Road..” I pointed to the one who nearly SHOT ME!! He was chill now though.

He nodded “Yep…” Rocky spent most of the time sitting there silently looking over on occasion. He did seem the cautious one of the trio.

I moved to the last. “And I’m going to guess based on the theme here… Brick-Boulevard?” I beamed hoping I was right.

“No.. It’s just Brick.” He glowered. Brick too had been looking me over, but more in a way that seemed like he still wanted to hit me with that dead tree he uprooted. I’m sure it was fine though. The Eyes-Forward-Sparkle marked Pebble in green and the other two in yellow, which was distinctly not red! So I’m fiiine~

“Seriously? Feels like a missed opportunity. Alliteration and the rule of three are a hell of a writing device. Hardstone-Highway, Stone-Street, Cobble-Causeway.” these all seemed like fitting names to me at least, some of them even worked if the trio had sisters.

Pebble gulped a wad of hastily forked taco. “Nope, He was the first, and Mom hadn’t had the idea yet.” He passed the can over to Rocky who didn’t take it as he was glancing between me and Brick in silence. If he didn’t want to eat that fast it was fine by me, the canned taco wasn’t going anywhere.

Rocky did speak up though. “What about you? Sketchy was it? Is like your parents were several seconds away from namin’ you Shifty da shady unicorn or somethin’.”

I chuckled a bit and sighed, rubbing the back of my mane with a hoof. “Well, I hope it wasn’t anything like that. I like to think It was because they wanted me to be able to draw stuff.” I took it upon myself to hover over a twig and draw a near-perfect circle in the sandy dirt. “See?”

“Guessin’ yer one of them artsy types like the aristocrats over in Applewood?” Brick asked with a small huff of his big nostrils.

“The aristi-whats?” Where did I know that word from? Sounded like one of those super fancy words that get used in context with the nobles mentioned in history class.

Rocky shifted his jaw into what was clearly his thinking face. “How long did you say you been out here?”

“About a day I guess. Why?” I shrugged looking down at the can. “Hey, are you gonna eat that? You guys did say you hadn’t eaten in days right?” I asked, pointing to the can still sitting there.

“Oh, we will.” Brick smiled confidently, or was that a smirk? “We just wanted to ask about a few-” he tensed and looked off into the distance. “Hey did you hear that?”

I blinked. “Hear what?” my ears twitched, I didn’t hear anything other than the campfire, the wind, and the occasional bunny chirp.

Pebble looked between his older brothers. “Guys… please don’t. She-”

Like usual Brick steamrolled right through his little brother's dialogue. “No, no seriously shut up Pebble. I’m pretty sure I hear something out in the dark.” The buck stood up and walked a bit closer as he scanned off into the distance behind me. “You sure nopony was following you when you headed down the road?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I mean I met this talking sprite-bot thing, but nopony came with me.” I started to look back behind me into the darkness I’d previously hidden in. “Why? Do you think someone followed-”

“Brick! No!” Cried Pebble right as I heard a heave next to me. Something was up, but the back of my head exploded into thought-shattering pain with a stony crack. My mind said scream, but my mouth wasn’t listening nor much of anything else for that matter. The ground rapidly approached my face and blurred into darkness.

***

It was dark, everything was dark in here really. An infinite expanse of pitch blackness as far as my eyes could see. The back of my head was throbbing though and raising my hoof to hold it revealed I could still see myself just fine. Like I was standing in the sunlight, that, and my glasses were gone, but my hoof was crispy clear in front of my face. “Oookay…” my voice echoed in the black expanse.

I took a step and while I felt solid ground it didn’t make a sound. No clop of stone, nor rustle of grass or sand. “Huh…” also echoed around me as I thought it

“Alright Brain, this would be a super neat dream if it wasn’t for the splitting headache you’re giving me right now. The buck happened?”

Echoing in from all sides came this whimsical giggle of some buck. “Ohhh I dunno my dear little Sketchy, why don't you draw the feeling and see if what knocked you out comes to mind? Hmmm? Ten bits says it was a brick upside the head.” the voice giggled, at my expense!

I looked around trying to spot the origin. “Who are you? Is that you Brain?! When I said I would fight you I didn’t think you were gonna drag me into my own head.” I huffed stamping a hoof to be met with no sound. The darkness that made up the floor seemed to ripple as water outwards into oblivion before returning with a very delayed clop of hoof on stone.

“Ohhh so close! But no cigar my little pony. Brain and I are just the oldest bestie best pals though. One of my best prank buddies since before you were born, my adorably tenacious little bastard~” the mysterious buck giggled. “Ohh that would be a great name for an adult version of this show! I can see the merchandise now~”

I glared into the darkness. “Firstly, what show? And secondly, I’m not a bastard. I’m obviously a mare and female bastards don't exist!” I pointed at the void ahead of me assuming the origin was there.

“Ten seasons and Two hundred years, yet still such regressive ways of thinking! Oh, how ponies have fallen from the socially progressive dogma they tout so proudly~” The whimsy feigned balking at my response. “I, on the other hand, feel the term should apply to everypony equally! A real equal opportunity bastardizer if you will. So much less sexist don’t you think? Really boost my ratings around here.”

“No..” I grumbled. “Pretty sure it was the nobles who came up with the term, take it up with them. ”

“Daww but that’s no fuuun~” he whined. “If I wanted to go talk to ponies that were full of themselves I’d go harass Rainbow Dash. No, I wanna have fun you youuuu~ After all, I’m about as much a part of you as microplastics were part of your great-great-great-” His voice rose in pitch with each great. “-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Grandparents!” he squeaked. “And lead from the paint chips their parents ate and the mercury their parents got from wearing fancy hats driving them mad Hahaa!~ I should pay Hatter a visit, it's been centuries, and he’s so fun at tea parties.”

“You’re a part of me? Like I have a pretty good idea that this is a dream and all, but this isn't going to be one of those psychological manifestations of my inner flaws things is it? Cause I have Pickle-Jar for that now.” I asked feeling gentle nudges about my person making me shift in place, my hips felt lighter.

“I’d answer that question with some kind of obscenely cryptic and open-ended riddle you wouldn’t understand for the next thirty or so chapters buuuut~” the void started ringing. “Would you look at that? Somepony’s got a collect call, maybe you should answer that? Don’t worry I’ll only eavesdrop a little~ Wouldn’t want to be ruuude.” he chimed before a rusted-out blue box with windows and a phone inside poofed into existence in front of me. Finally some substance to this void.

“The hell is this thing?” I asked as I only recognized one component of this contraption.

“Clearly an interdimensional space-time traveling device for ponies with doctorates and angel statue masons,” he answered with an explanation but I had NO IDEA what he was talking about and I made sure it showed on my face with a scowl. There was a new faint weight on my person like something laying over me.

The mysterious booth disappeared in a cloud of static and smoke before the voice spoke again. “As much as I want to see you fiddle around with a massive reference to nowhere we are on a bit of a timetable,” he added and the sound of a ticking clock rang in. “Guess I have to let Miss pouty-pants do this HER way~” he whined and with a brief brush of wind past my coat the voice was gone.

“Hello?” I looked around the void as all was silent once more. “Who the hell was that? What the hell was he talking about, when the hell did I even get here?! Where the hell even am I? And Why the hell am I here?” I questioned both myself and the nothingness. Who, what, when, where, and why were always good starting points.

A new voice, a gentler voice, a mare’s voice. “You need to wake up Sketchy.” echoed in from the void, a gentle breeze on my coat, the ichor ground rippling in tune to the voice.

“Ohh mysterious… I like it.” I commented and walked further into the void, wondering if the ripples went on forever. “I’d be working on that whole waking up thing, buuuut this…” I waved vaguely at the void. “what I assume is a dream, didn’t exactly come with an instruction manual.”

“Dreams never do. Even masters of lucidity rarely have the control to jar themselves awake, especially when forcibly knocked unconscious.” the new voice echoed once more.

I pondered how I could force myself awake. “I take it squinting my eyes really hard and straining every muscle like I’m trying to force a spell won’t work? More likely to crap myself than wake up.”

“Correct... Don’t think anypony would want to after such an experience. But you need to awaken, embarrassing accident or not.”

“Oookay…” I started as black goop began to bubble up from the floor and drift away into the air around me. “Before I get to accidentally shitting myself, why in Celestia’s titanic tits is this place so weird?”

“They aren't that-'' her tone rose like I struck a nerve, but quickly cut to a little cough. “That's not important right now. Your life is in danger and your dream is weird because your mind didn’t have time to prepare anything due to the sudden concussion.”

“So I did get bricked! By a Brick… with a brick!” I pointed out and giggled to myself a bit. Heh… brick~.

The voice sighed and tapped a hoof on tile flooring, or at least it sounded like tile. “Focus Sketchy, Your life is literally in peril and you’re getting distracted by irony. You need to force yourself awake with haste!”

“Me? In danger? Pleeeaase~ Pebble and his brothers seemed so nice. All gathered round the trash fire, about to sing trash-fire songs, and eat canned food.” I smiled having vague memories of doing exactly that, though it made my head throb.

I heard the all too familiar sound of a facehoof followed by an agitated sigh and mumbling “It’s okay… you’ve handled worse, it’s probably only a little bit of brain damage.”

“Hey! I’m not dain bramaged!” I pointed up at the inky sky where it seemed that voice was coming from.

“The one who helped me get here would love to say otherwise.” the mystery mare groaned.

“That's Meeee!~” Nearly squealed the original male voice from off to the right. Left? Up?

“Sketchy?” the mare started again.

“Yeah?”

“Didn’t you just say this Brick pony bashed you over the head with a brick?”

“Maybe…”

“Wouldn’t it stand to reason that maybe Brick didn’t have the best of intentions towards your well-being?”

I paused and a faint ticking echoed around me and reverberated off unseen walls. “Oh yeah…” I plopped down onto my rear. “Brick’s EFS never did turn green did it?”

“Now she gets it! First gold star she’s gotten since third grade.” the mystery bucks voice chimed in as a little golden star sticker appeared on my nose. “Boop!~”

“Ack!” After several seconds of trying to scrape the sticker off my nose it dissolved into mist. “Okay okay! I’m gonna try to wake up.”

“Try not to mess yourself on the nice clean floors~” the male teased.

I closed my eyes tight and began to focus, The same level of focus I had when I contemplated the idea of actually studying for something. My front was down to the ground now too as I held my temples and strained. “Hnnnnn!!” I groaned until-

‘PFFT!~’

My eyes shot wide and my muzzle got warm while the whimsical male voice burst into laughter, even heard the thump of a hoof/hand being slammed on the floor.

“Seriously?!” Yelled the mare. “We're trying to save her life here and you woopie-cushion her!?” she growled.

“The opportunity was just too golden dearie, you’d make that sound too if you and your sister ever got the sticks out of your butts,” he said through the dying fit of giggles. “I get the feeling you two just like it in there.”

“So that was him and not me, right?” I asked sitting up.

“Yes, fortunately.” the mare groaned.

“Oh thank the goddesses. I didn’t shit my brains out.” I sighed in relief.

The buck’s voice made a few barely contained snorts and snerks before the mare resumed. “Right, so it seems focusing you awake isn’t going to work with SOMEBODY around messing with you. Time for plan C.”

I raised a hoof. “What happened to plan B?”

“Plan B was going to involve trance-like meditation, but given the natures both you and our associate share, you’d be too busy snickering about ‘plan b’ to do that.”

The buck and I caved instantly and snickered like foals. “Well, I wasn’t until you mentioned it like that!” I added.

“Sister give my strength…” the mare groaned. “Plan C is to scare you awake.”

“Oookay… isn't the whole point of scaring somepony awake that they don’t know it's coming? Now that you’ve said it, and I know this is a dream, it's going to be really hard for anything to be scary.” I questioned remembering how unscary Nightmare’s-Night was every year.

“Trust me that’s been more than accounted for.” she sounded rather proud for once.

“How so?” I squinted. There was no way this was going to turn out well. For me at least.

“Simple. I just need you to turn around while I get the actual shock put together. Just a smidge of something you’re afraid of and it’ll be perfect.” Gee, way to make fear sound like a cookbook. “Trust me I’m an expert.”

I started to turn around. “Riight cause how could you possibly know that? By the way, who are you two? I just-” Ah yes, the sudden gut-wrenching terror of having a slavering pony-sized spider mach-4 skittering at me the instant I turned around. So many fuzzy legs and mandibles moving way too fast! I opened my mouth to scream like a filly right as it leaped at my face! “AHHH-”

***

My eyes shot open, my head was hammering, my heart thundering, and my glasses were still on my muzzle FOR ONCE! It took a moment to pull all my senses together. Off to either side of my snoot were two halves of a shattered brick in the sandy dirt. Even further apart were a pair of large hooves with dirty puke-green felt locks. Huh, that meant somepony was above me… Kinky- wait no! Not kinky! Focus brain, you’re in danger! I hadn’t noticed the ringing in my ears until it began to dissipate, turning distant mumbling into coherent words. The brothers were arguing.

“Seriously guys?! After she was willing to share her food with us? She was cool!” sounded like Pebble-path was more upset about the situation than my half-awake butt was. For now.

There was a deep huff from above, which sounded like Brick. “Yeah and? Think of the bigger picture here. If we kill her and take her stuff not only do we get her food, but she’s big enough to feed us for at least another two weeks!” Feed them for another two weeks? How did-

“Not if ya go breakin’ her like a new toy Brick! Aint no spices ever gonna-!” Rocky’s retort fell to the ringing in my ears... They were going to eat me? He was right over me and- Ohhhh Fuck me I realize the situation I’m in now.. Wait no! Don’t fuck me! Don’t eat me!

A certain plus-sized buck was still over me and fortunately not trying to bite my ass yet. I’ve always wanted to be under a big stallion, but sweet Celestia NOT! LIKE! THIS! Gotta think, gotta act, gotta think, gotta act! I need a weapon, anything!

“How is that possibly going to ruin eating her for you? She's not a mutfruit, nor is she gonna bruise like a nanner.” Brick snapped back looking at his middle brother.

“No, I'm just sayin’ I don’t want to eat her after ya’ used her. I mean, would you eat a dandelion sammich after I put my dick in it? Left plenty of sauce in ‘er too before I gave it to ya?” They were seriously arguing over the ethos of eating a mare after plowing her? Wait a-.. these guys are goddess-damned cannibals! Just like the comics! But worse because they weren't zombies!

“Is that what you thought I was gonna do to her?! Right infront of both of ya?!” Brick balked at his brothers. Okay, he was distracted, I gotta do something now!

They’d taken my saddlebags and dumped the contents just a few feet away. I could hit him with the brick pieces, it would be ironic, but there’s no way I’d knock him out before he stomped my guts in. Anything from my bag? There’s my pencil! It had a pointy bit on it! Maybe if I jab him with it, he’ll think I’m crazy enough to be left alone. Flawless plan! Now, what was that first thing Appleboom taught us in sex-ed?

“Okay boys and girls. Lesson one. If the need to defend yourself from a stallion ever arises always remember, your first line of defense is to buck him in the bits.” her voice echoed in the back of my mind, reminding me of all the wincing colts that heard that. Thanks, Miss Appleboom!

“I don’t care if ya trussed her up like a turkey and slow-roasted her wrapped in zebra bacon! We ain’t eatin’ er like that! Ain't that right Pebble?” Sweet, Rocky was looking away too.

“Can’t we just let her go? She was nice to us.” Pebble whined.

“Complain all you two want, It’ll just be two weeks' worth of lawn-pony for me then.” Gruffed Brick, still intent on eating me. “And when ya starve and whine to me I might give ya her hooves.”

Now was the time to strike. Mustering my focus past the throbbing pain in the back of my head my horn glowed and I wreathed the pencil in my telekinesis hovering it over.

“You ain’t starving your brothers like- Oh buck she’s awake!!” Rocky reached for his rifle too late. I'd gotten the pencil between my head and the underside of Brick’s jaw. I reared a hind hoof and with all the force I could muster bucked just like Miss-Appleboom showed us. If below, angle high.

Brick let out the highest pitch yelp his deep voice could muster and halfway collapsed beginning a string of strained profanities. With him recoiling in pain I twisted to face upwards. Roaring I drove my hoof up into the pencil’s eraser. My hoof rammed sharpened lead up into the buck’s throat. I… I’d wanted to stab him in the shoulder as a warning or something. What I’d gotten was a wooden stake being driven right into Brick’s windpipe. I must have hit something important as thick red started gushing around the pencil.

Brick stumbled off of me, torn between collapsing to hold his battered junk and pawing at the pencil currently sticking out his spewing neck. “Ackkkfuuccss eeng! Kuukkill herrr!!” he managed to sputter, red beginning to pour from the corners of his mouth too. I, like any reasonable mare who just stabbed somepony, skittered to the nearest thing resembling cover!

“Brick!” Pebble cried dashing over to his brother.

I heard the racking of a round. “Die bitch!!” Rocky yelled followed by the hasty lowering of his pipe rifle and the ‘POOM!!’ of high caliber equalizer going off. Sand kicked up next to me as I dove and rolled for the stray concrete barriers that’d saved my life earlier.

I clung to the ‘safe’ side of the stony surface, staying in the cover as best I could. Little red letters at the top of my vision read out [Detected] while the EFS said there were two hostiles near me. No shit pipbuck! I know I've been detected! [Enemies Nearby]. “Now is not the time for you to be sassing me!” I whisper yelled at the glorified wrist-terminal, tapping buttons trying to find anything useful that could save my flank. Rocky was firing off shots into the barrier making me wince every time he took a chunk out of it. “Eep!” I squeaked when a hole opened up in the barrier a few inches from my nose. “Help meee!! Have some secret kill everypony program! An SOS signal, a road flare! Explode! Something!” I was unarmed, all my possessions except my suit were on the ground out of reach, and there was a pony with a big scary gun blasting big scary holes in the only thing for miles that could stop bigger scarier holes from being made in me. Goddesses help mehehee!

A chittering... A chittering made me look up from my pipbuck screen. A green blip appeared, then two, then five, a dozen, several dozen, and soon it became a solid line of green as the grass rustled all around the camp in the dark. Everypony, except Brick, looked around as the chittering grew into a chorus.

“What in hey…” Rocky started.

“Wh-what's that?” Pebble asked, looking around and being the most afraid of the three. His hooves holding a very bloody Brick’s neck.

“Kssst..foom..” I had no idea what Brick said he was coughing up so much crimson.

The darkness beyond the campfire seemed to move and writhe, while off in the distance atop a lone boulder illuminated in a green light was a singular… glowing… radroach.

I stared at the new arrival. “Discord’s mayhem, what now?”

The glowing roach spread its wings and raised its front legs high. It chittered, sending its tiny mandible into a flurry of incomprehensible sounds.

The bottom of my vision lit up with green letters.

(King B-Rad: “Defend the great provider!!!” )

Subtitles… the radroach had subtitles! How hard did Brick brick me in the head?! Am I going nuts? Maybe that mystery voice was right and I do have dain bramage!

The black mass around the camp began to spill inward in a tidal wave of chitin. Seeing an absolute carpet of radroaches come pouring out of the night towards you was possibly going to haunt me for the rest of my life. What's worse is they all chittered in unison!

(Radroaches: “For the provider!! Skreeeeee!!”)

The carpet of semi-solid NIGHTMARE parted around me, flooding into the camp from all directions. Many took flight, and as everypony in 83 knows, ‘everypony’s gangsta till the radroaches start flyin’. The brothers quite justifiably screamed bloody murder as they were swarmed, at least the two that could scream. Pebble and Rocky were sent running, being immediately overwhelmed by the mass of Hoofball-sized biting insects. Brick less fortunately, was still gushing out the neck, he only made it a few steps before collapsing under the chitinous horde. Rasping and gurgling.

I peered over the edge of the barricade to catch the final glimpses of Rocky and Pebble-path galloping off into the night being chased by the swarm, the occasional gunshot going off further and further away. This… this is the crap that makes ponies afraid of roaches. Speaking of which…

I turned from the barrier and looked down to find the glowing radroach my pipbuck named ‘King Brad’ sitting there… staring at me. I blinked in the pregnant pause building between us and coughed before the pause could be declared triplets. “I umm… thanks? Please tell me roaches speak Ponish.”

He chittered and the subtitles appeared again. “Thou art welcome dear provider! We were quite concerned when you bravely approached such obviously nefarious individuals!” This was quite the expressive radroach, waving his front legs around like little arms.

“Nefarious individuals?... ohh right they were going to rob and eat me.” Ughh my head was really throbbing. Reaching a hoof back to rub at the aching spot. “But why did you erm.. S-save me?” I might as well try to make sense of this obvious sign of brain damage.

“Isn’t that obvious, dear provider?” King-Brad chittered. “It was the least we could do after everything thou hast done for us over the generations!” He waved a little leg to emphasize. “I have to say even a noble heart as steeled as mine was moved by your generosity in the face of such danger. Such heroic deeds, to aid the desperate even if they are the lowest and most vile of thine ageless kind!”

By the tenacity of Clelestia’s shoe maker this is a grandiose bug. He talked like he fell out of a history book. Not only did these pipbuck-looking subtitles say his name was KING Brad, but I half expected him to suddenly invite me to his roach castle! Maybe take me to rad-roach dinner. Sit around eating cardboard and apple cores on silver plates. King Brad was probably gonna… wait a minute. I squinted looking him over real quick “You’re King Brad right?”

He bowed, and by bow I mean he lowered his front half and did a fancy bug leg courtesy. “That is I oh glorious provider. How humble art I that you knowest my name, and we hath not spoken previously.”

“Riiiight…” I glanced around briefly, slowly feeling crushed under all the praise. Nobody ever talked to me like this, what am I supposed to do with all this positive reinforcement?! Hovering my satchel back over along with the pile of its former contents I brought forth B-Rad and gave the stuffed roach a little squeeze.

Squeeeak~

“Is uhh… is this you?” I asked, trying to bury the social awkwardness under a smile. The name was too similar NOT to ask.

“Oh-ho!” he exclaimed. “I see you have found the effigy of mine ancestors. Truly thou art blessed great provider. Others of your kind made it after my great great-” for the love of Luna’s divine ass not him too! How many greats are there?! “-great grandsire saved a foal from being eaten by those diabolical barbarous cave crickets” He shook a foreleg like a tiny fist in the air at the mention of…whatever the hell a cricket was.

Now I had to figure out what a cricket was, that or my concussed brain was making up words now. I slowly raised a hoof and opened my mouth to ask when he resumed.

“Since you left your burrow me and my noble entourage hath been in quite the mexicolt standoff defending thine honor against the crickets. Voracious pony eaters, the savages, not content with the bounty of nature's grasses they were so clearly made to eat.” my blank stare, silence, and deliberately slow blink seemed to get the point across that I had no idea what he was talking about. “In fairness, thou hast only ever seen one of them if I recall. Look quite similar to us except they hop around.”

“Ohh! The bunnies!” I pointed out getting excited for a second before my head throbbed. “Owww..” I groaned, dropping a bit to hold my probably cracked skull.

I swear this glowing roach just blinked at me. “Provider… there is no way in the pits of Tartarus what you saw was a bunny. We!” he vaguely gestures to the swarm.. and me. “Would all be deader than the grass upon which thou parketh thine ass.”

“But..but… They’re small, live in grass, and hop around! Like a bunny.”

“Provider” Brad deadpanned. “I believe nobody has informed thee of this but… bunnies have fur.” he pointed at me. “And crickets have chitin…” he points at himself. “Very different, much deadlier.”

“Okay, okay I get it,” I grumbled sitting up a bit more as the back of my head pulsed. “But if these ‘crickets’ are so dangerous that you've been warding them off this whole time, how come they didn't attack the rock brothers like-” I paused, feeling a cold wave of dread wash over me. Brick was still a few yards away laying limp on the ground, bloody pencil jutting out of his neck dripping a trickle of crimson into a pool. Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive! “Please tell me he’s alive.” He wasn't moving in the slightest, not a sound, not a breath.

“He’s alive.” chittered Brad skittering over next to me facing the perfectly still buck.

“Oh thank Celestia.” I sighed as a massive weight just fell right off my chest. For a second there I thought I killed somepony. I’d kick him in the dick and stab him a little sure but not kill him! I’m not a murderer-

Brad tilted/looked up at me. “Art there any other blatant falsehoods thou wishest me to say aloud, dear provider?”

Aaaaand heart attack! I wheezed as the weight in my chest came back with a vengeance like it bashed a hole through my rib cage. “Oh buck HE’S DEAD?!” I cried, hooves pulling at my mane. My lungs fought my every order as I saw the gates of the Everafter slam shut before my very eyes. Sweet Celestia, I killed a pony! AHH!!

Brad looked to a nearby non-glowing roach and motioned him over to the body. Said roach skittered onto Brick’s corpse, looked for a second, tapped the patchy pelt with its tiny legs, and made a small chitter nodding. “The oversized brigand’s ass is indeed thine grass… that is how the phrase goes correct?” The casual tone of Brad’s chitters was not helping me get over being a murderer!

My lungs heaved and I fell back onto my rear. I killed him, I killed a pony, He was going to eat me and I killed him! This reactor coolant trip isn’t fun anymore! This was just a nightmare, right? I’d never kill anypony, It’s bad enough I have to explain my hobbies to the princesses when I die, but how could I explain murder?!

“Provider? Art thou alright?” a concerned chitter came from Brad. “I understand everyone's first kill is quite the undertaking, But If it makes thine’s feelings less bad-” he stopped to briefly turn to the body then back to me. “You got him pretty good! A little to the left and thou would have missed his jugular. An impressive strike for a first-timer.” He was praising me?!

“S-stop talking!” I stood up facing the roach. “I-I killed him! It's a bad th-thing!” I sniffed. “I left my home just this morning and now I’m a murderer!” I dropped down taking the glowing bug between my forehooves just like I did the stuffed animal of him. “What do I doohohoo?! I don't want to be dahahahamned!” ahh hell I was crying. “Discord’s gonna drag me to Heheheeell and I’m gonna buuuurn!”

“There was a long silence from the radroach. “Provider..” he tapped on my hoof. “Provider… Focus provider. Not only art thou holding me too tight..” a small wheezing chitter as I squeezed him to my chest and bawled. “But it was-” he struggled in my hold, and the ticking of rads was barely noticeable over the much more pressing issue. “But It was self-defense!” he rasped before I blinked, freeing him on the spot.

“Self… defense?” I said aloud waiting for the meaning to sink in past the pain in my skull.

“Yes, self-defense!” repeated Brad skittering a slightly safer distance from my clingy forelegs. “This bandit of a buck intended to abscond with thy possessions, violate thine purity, and consume of thine flesh.” he coughed… somehow. Can bugs cough? The subtitles said ‘-cough-’. “It is hard to justify self-defense more than that provider!” he was getting that triumphant regal chitter back as he pointed up at me.

“Self defense… self… defense… “I looked at the ground staring off into oblivion like the physical words were going to fall out of the air and crash into the sandy grass. The golden gates of the Everafter slowly being pushed back open by a pair of tiny haloed princesses. “Yeah… Self-defense” I mumbled. One of the only two excuses for killing a pony ever... An accident, and self-defense. “That means… I’m Innocent!!” I exclaimed with both forehooves going into the air throwing off the weight of guilt! “Woo!!” I cheered.

Brad cheered too. “Indeed provider! It's a glorious thing indeed to see thine conscience alleviated!... so easily.” The subtitles for that last part were a few fonts smaller for some reason.

“Yeah fuck that guy!” I pointed a hoof at Brick’s remains to which he responded about as well as one can as… a corpse. “I was so willing to be nice to you, and you return the favor by trying to eat me! What kind of sick pony does that?!”

“Indeed, quite sick….probably from all the pony eating.” nodded Brad.

“Ya know what, he got what he deserved. Call it divine retribution in fact! Should have known the princesses liked me enough to not let something like that happen to me.” Thank Luna for watching out for me! Woo!

“Provider?...” Brad chimed.

“Yeah?” I looked down, hooves still held high in celebration.

“You’re gloating…”

“Oh….” the hooves came down.

“Lessons in humility aside, what do you wish for us to do with thine slain foe?” he asked while many other radroaches began to gather around the body. “Ironic justice would be to rob, violate, and eat his corpse, but I do believe such action would have thou stooping to his level.”

My stomach lurched at the idea “What?! Eww no!”

“I merely suggested it would be the ironic solution. Not the moral, sanitary, sane, or reasonable one. We are more than happy to assist the great provider in more proper disposal of thine newly created scavenger magnet.”

“Right, he probably needs to be buried..” I glanced around at the vast emptiness around us. Hills, grass, and dead trees. “I don't suppose you guys have a shovel?”

“No… but we got into thy kind’s metal nest didn’t we?”

***

A world made of chalkboard, where everything and everypony were scratched into existence with thin white lines. Me, the endless hallways that made up my surroundings, and the looming buck getting my pencil driven into his neck were all in the same chalky scratch marks. The walls moved, and no matter how much I stabbed him, no matter how many holes I put in him I was still pinned to the black-board floor. Each new hole was just another white line upon his drawn torso leaking powder down onto me. ‘Then’, ‘now’, and ‘eventually’ all blurred together as my stabbing fluctuated between frantic and exhaustingly casual. Eventually, these scratchy chalk bucks would fall off into growing piles of powder only to be replaced by another pinning me down. No screams, just the constant grunt of exertion spent stabbing them.

The powder was piling up around me like sand, soon, it was in my eyes and I had to cough with every labored breath. Some of them tried to bash me with brick-shaped clumps of chalk disintegrating on impact, more came at me with large maws biting at me, and a few tried to pin me in worse ways. Yet the stabbing never stopped.

“Enough of this!” exclaimed a distant yet familiar mare’s voice. I felt a gust blow past me with the beating of massive wings. The bucks, the hall, the pencil, and even my body were all blown away like powder in the breeze, leaving not even the black-board texture in the background.

***

I opened my eyes to blurry blues and fluffy whites as I gasped for air. Shooting up to sitting on my haunches I panted. It took several seconds to find my glasses, but once on the world was normal again… as normal as a seemingly endless expanse of dead grass and trees was. “Oh goddesses I’m alive!” I gasped frantically feeling all over myself until my lungs got the memo to calm down. Post-sleep reality made itself known around me in ever greater detail. “Was just a dream… I’m fine… just..” wait a moment, if that was the dream, then that means this is- “Buck! Why isn’t this whole surface thing just a maint-shine fueled dream!?”

“I see thou art awake dear provider!” cheerfully chittered the now moderately less glowing King Brad two feet away from me. “How is dream Pickle doing?”

“How is dream Pickle..?” I repeated until it suddenly clicked and my muzzle got warm. “H-How did you know about that?!” I pointed in the least defensive way I possibly could. Very.

“We lived within the metal wind tunnels connected to your room oh great provider! And thou tends to talk in thy sleep, and kick, and mumble… and talk aloud to thyself late in the evening before said sleeps.” he answered like it was a common known fact.

“I-I do not!” I stammered with no evidence to back my clearly true claims.

Brad continued like I hadn’t just rebuked him. “Plus, thou does occasionally drool too, great provider. I assume dreams of tasty cardboard!~”

One time! I wake up with drooly pillow one time and the roach knows about it. “I do NOT drool in my sleep, but that raises another question. What's with the whole great provider title? You've been calling me that nonstop for like.. since I met you.” I may have asked this question earlier if it weren't for the… what was it? Oh right, Concussion!

“Surely thou jest great provider!” he skittered over bringing the half-eaten can of taco on his back. “Thou hast fed our kind for years when all others of thine ilk would try to slay us for merely existing or inspecting the fancy white bowls they bathe in.”

“You mean bathtubs?...” I asked slowly blinking as my morning brain sluggishly put piece after piece together. My horn glowed briefly to hover the taco can off King Brad and closer to me.

Brad chittered in glee. “Yes indeed! So clean, white, and smooth! Excellent locations for our meditations and contemplations.”

“Riiiiiight….”

“While we were initially saddened by thy leaving, we were so moved by your final offerings we couldn't help but go with you! Thou not only freely gave unto us essence of thine own body, but also arranged a feast for us where thy kind casts things away!”

So I fed them for years, puked in a bucket, and told them about my farewell feast trash. Was it just me or did it feel super weird getting praised for things you just offhandedly did without a second thought? Feel like I should enjoy it a bit, but it doesn’t feel good… not bad either, but certainly not good. “Well erm… thou art welcome.” I shifted a bit in place before looking at the half-eaten taco can. It's been out in the open for over eight hours at least, several ponies including me have eaten out of it, and it somehow survived the roach swarm. I hovered it back to him. “Here~ you guys can have it. I think I’ll try something else.”

The chitter equivalent of a joyous gasp came from Brad “Thine generosity knows no bounds great provider! It shall be divided evenly among my brethren as to avoid poisoning.” several ordinary radroaches skittered in from the nearby grass where they'd been hiding to take the can and leave with it.

I’d been midway through taking out Pickle-Jar’s pickle jar when I paused. “Did.. did you say p-poison?”

“Oh certainly!~ Most of the metal-shelled foods we find are as safe to eat as they are hard to open. These ‘canned tacos’ as many call them may be the most well-rounded diet we could ask for, but something in them is toxic to us. Why doth though think we appreciate thy cleansing of the food thou did before offering it unto us?”

“Uhhhh…” Yeah, no. I'm not going to think about how the one food I’ve loved with all my soul since before I had teeth was possibly toxic enough to kill a radroach. Nope! Not gonna do it! It's Pickle-Jar pickle time! “So what are you guys gonna to do now?” I asked trying to get the lid off by hoof like a real mare!

“Many having saved thy life feel their debts have been paid and are returning to their humble lives out in the waste. Others of us don't wish to spark a war with the savage crickets… yet.” he glanced around shiftily “And others such as myself desire to assist you in whatever small ways we can, but have home lives to attend to. Doth thou… need help now?” he asked watching me struggle with the jar.

“No.. I.. got it!” I strained, gritting my teeth as I was putting all my might into twisting the lid. “Hrrrrghh!” POP!! “Ah… there we go~” I panted having exerted an embarrassingly large amount of effort to get the lid off. Pickle makes these all the time, how strong is that mare? Well, she is an earthpony.

“Excellent! Now that thou hast slain a mundane pickle jar what will thou do next? Most of us are returning home for now, but I may accompany you a bit longer. Assisting the great provider has been an excellent break from my usual foal saving and helping of elderly mares crossing streets.”

“Hmmm…” I pondered with a hoof to my chin, really working on my thinking-mare pose for my eventual self-portrait. “I still need to visit the array…” I hovered out a pickle. “Get my hooves on a gun…” sank my teeth into it. “Gotta make friends without getting shot in the ass...” I said through the crunching of the pickle. “Hey these are pretty good…” I mumbled grabbing another. So her talent really WAS Pickles. I'm not much of a mare for sour things, but Clestia’s chef on high I could taste the soul of Equis through the rocksalt and the smell was unforgettably similar to the chef herself. “Mffff~” I muffled, my eyes half lidding as I got lost in the second one. “What were we talking about?...”

Brad did a little coughing gesture with a foreleg “Thine plans?”

“Oh right…” I swallowed, floating the lid back onto the jar, these things were going to have to last me a month, and I’d already eaten two of them. I held the jar up and shook it a little as I counted the remainder. Bout eleven left, one a day maybe? “Guess I should probably stick to my main quest then, I'm sure making friends will probably happen along the way. I mean who wouldn't want me as a friend? I'm a catch!” I proclaimed, standing proud with a hoof to my chest letting my ego shine.

“Like how the raiders caught thee?” Brad questioned, though hard to tell if it was sarcasm or a genuine question. Either way, I deflated immediately

“Luna fucking damn it, Brad…” I grumbled and sulked on the spot wanting to facehoof. The rest of my possessions stashed away I checked my pipbuck for a heading. Just down this road and make a left as soon as I was past the mountain. Just a whole nother day of walking, in this vast empty expanse of grass and wind.

I couldn’t believe it, I'd been out in this brave, new, radioactive world for all of a day, nearly died one and a half times, nearly got eaten, I’m talking to a radroach… and I’m dreading the thought of getting bored on the walk ahead. How short was my attention spa- IDEA!! Dad was right, I did save this holotape for a special day, my first full day in the wasteland! Plus better to listen to it now before more psychos with guns and bad teeth try eating me too. Plus surviving getting murdered feels pretty special!

After fiddling around with parts of the pipbuck I never used before I decided popping the holotape player open and closing it again for the autoplay feature was faster than navigating through ALL THESE MENUS! “Ready to go? The sooner we fix the array the sooner we can go home. Plus I’ll shower you guys in all the tra- err.. food I can get my hooves on.”

Brad chittered with glee skittering alongside me. “Indeed! Our quest is set and adventure awaits! Hit it!” He pointed at my pipbuck striking a pose, on cue I closed the lid and was greeted not by song, but a mare’s voice I never heard before.

‘Princess in the sky’ by Norbuck Greenbean~
“This song has been approved by the Ministry of Image, If the anti-tamper seal is missing please report the tape to the nearest guard immediately. Enjoy~”

Now I was confused. What tamper seal? This thing had been scuffed bare with only a name written on it in marker. And where did I know that ministry name from? History class?

The strumming started on an instrument I couldn't name. A ‘Nah nah nana nuuh’ I felt it in my ears, then my hips, and all the way down to my hooves. It got me tapping a hoof and soon after a gentle bucks voice came along with it.

Oh yeah, I can see why Dad used to play this in the chapel, nopony ever sings anymore. No instruments, speakers, books of song, and nopony to learn them. I bet the Goddesses loved this buck! To inspire him to make sounds I could feel. Music that put energy in my hooves and made my head want to sway as I walked.

That guitar? Yeah probably a guitar, took center stage and its tempo worked into all ten of Brad and I’s legs. To trot, to prance, the urge to leap, and bounce as the sound lifted something inside me. Like I wanted to fly~

And there I was, prancing to adventure, feeling a radiant joy that I honestly couldn’t remember ever feeling before. To giggle and trot to a song about a buck’s faith in Luna ensuring his passage to the Everafter. The place that's the best, going to see the great Celest.

Level up!
Perk unlocked: Wild Wasteland

-You’ve given the GM permission to throw logic and reason out the window for your own sick and twisted amusement. Discord would be proud! Now fasten your stable suit cause its about to get weird!

Achievment perk: Booped By Discord.
-It does exactly what you think it does. Hope you like rutabagas and chocolate milk.

(Author's note: Because of copyright reasons, no ponified lyrics of 'Spirit in the sky’. I would if I could.)