Fallout: Equestria - The Lunar Archives

Fallout Equestria: The Lunar Archives
(By: Lakeel)
Chapter 6: Friends?

It turns out music is a great motivator for grueling walks in the wasteland. Who knew music could affect your perception of time? I didn’t! And neither did King Brad.

If I stuck my forehoof out real far Old-Mountain was now two whole hooves further south and the sun now about four hooves high. Who knew music could also make you forget that pipbucks have a map and clock function? I didn’t! It took several moments of feeling stupid after the song ended to finally decide that was enough. “Okaaaay seven times in a row is too many. I’m just gonna… yeah...” CLICK

“Probably for the best. Thou hast been playing the tape more times in the past half hour than it hast in the past score years.” Brad commented as he skittered alongside me.

“True, it is pretty good though. Never knew a stallion could have a voice like that. Or any pony now that I think about it.”

“Did your kind’s nestmates not sing for each other? I recall thine sire mentioning he’d been part of a foal’s choir in ages past.” Brad questioned.

“Well not really, and if they did I wasn't around for it.” Wait an apple-bucking second… something’s off here. “Hey uhh… How’d you know my dad was in a choir? He didn’t-”

“Oh look we're here!” Brad interrupted pointing a tiny leg off to my left.

The tiny princesses appeared just to look in that direction and jaw-drop in sync with me. “Holy horseapples…” I don’t know how it snuck up on me, but Old-Mountain was much closer now and there was a massive pile of smoking scrap metal sticking out the side! It looked like somepony took an onion made of steel and blew it up! Creaking metal jutted out from the great metallic carcass in a mess of rib-like spires, beams, and twisted plating.

A little ping came from my pipbuck providing the opportunity to look away from the wreckage several times bigger than Saint Pinkie’s house.

Quest Update.
Reach sensor array: Completed.
Array status: ‘F.U.B.A.R’

“Ya don’t saaaay!” I sassed my pipbuck, waving at the smoking pile of wreckage. “I never woulda guessed! Maybe the sensor array is supposed to look like this?!” Tiny princesses hung out in the periphery of my vision, playing around on the various bits of wreckage like a derelict playground.

“Dearest provider, lose not all hope. Look yonder, I think I see thine quarry.” Brad pointed focusing my attention on a concrete slab jutting up into the underside of the wreck’s belly.

A few steps closer drew the grim reality I’m going to need far more than a crash course electronics magazine to fix this. The slab, dirty and scorched to hell, was the most intact part of the array. Mangled metal poles bent every which way. It looked like a giant pony made a mini version of those massive metal power poles and hate-stomped it like it owed them money. Not to mention cleaved it in twain with the largest fan blade I’ve ever seen! Correction, fan-BLADESSS!!

“Welp…” I plopped down on my rear. “I’m fucked!” I exclaimed throwing my hooves in the air.

Another ping.

Array Status: ‘F.U.B.A.R.2.0’
Analyzing…
Updating…
New Objectives:
1. Get ‘good’ and fix the array.
2. Procrastinate until Stable opens again.

I deadpanned. “Ice-Pick you dead-vein..” I sighed squinting at the mountain and down to where the stable probably was. “I drew you some of the finest flanks I’ve ever drawn to crack this pipbuck… and you make it sassy?! I’m gonna kick you in the dick when I get back!”

New Quest!:
Objective: Kick Ice-Pick in the dick.
Reward: Petty-Vengence.

I blinked, rage gone in an instant. “Nevermind, I’m starting to like this new sass… Still gonna kick him though.”

Brad blinked his beady eyes… somehow. “Who’s Ice-Pick?”

“The buck who bypassed the security on my pipbuck for me. I wanted to see if it had any special features like changing the morning alarm or spying on whatever security is gossiping about…”

“Oh… does it?”

“Nope..” I slumped. “All I got was figuring out the alarm is broadcast by the overmare’s terminal, and that half the bucks in security have railed Tulip-Patch in the armory. But everypony already knew that!”

“So she has many spawn then yes?” Brad chittered still trying to sound positive even if the subject made me and the tiny princesses want to hurl.

“Eww no!” I balked, recoiling while tiny Luna lost her imaginary rainbow lunch on a nearby girder.

“Oh… Maybe she should see one of thine doctor ponies?” Supportive to the end. Very Bradish indeed.

“Are we seriously talking about Tulip’s reproductive habits right now?!” I waved my hooves in the air swatting away the forming mental images. Ehh! Ehhh!! Begone thought clouds!

Brad wiped his non-existant brow with a foreleg. “Well nay, I’m just saying it’s a tad concerning to breed that much and not-”

Nope! Not paid enough to hear this! Im going for the wreck. “La-La-La I can't hear you! La-La! Going into the dangerous wreck to unhear all these words! La-La!”

“Provider!” he cried skittering after me.

***

That report from Cloudy-Skies did mention something about a ‘raptor’ having crashed into the side of a mountain. Given all the metal around me no longer resembled any shape known to my vast unicorn mind, this had to be the ‘Fog-Bank’.

Tippy-hooving over bent struts, rusted panels, and crumpled beams this ‘raptor’ was much bigger on the inside, and the further I climbed into it the more intact it seemed.

“It’s like a stable in here… If somepony dropped it.” I squinted into the dark.

Shattered metal became crunched hallways. Crunched hallways led to numerous half-collapsed rooms lit by sunbeams piercing through countless holes. Few of the rooms could be recognized for their purpose, most of the furniture had been smashed or corroded. One consistency was all the debris piled against the same wall. Same side as the mountain.

“Crashed harder than a drunk down the main shaft...” I clicked my pip-light and dove deeper into the bowls of the wreck. Not a single lifesign throughout the place, just the gentle groan of metal and all this smoke blowing by. Okay seriously, where’s it coming from? Nothing smelled burnt, in fact, I barely smelled anything at all. Rust, ozone, and a wee bit of copper.

“Good news girls! If chemistry class taught me anything, It’s not cyanide!” I pointed out to the little princesses tagging along with a big dumb smile. They’d been zipping around and shaping the smoke into various shapes before flying off to make the next. See! I could be positive.

Brad was unaccounted for, but I’m sure he's fiiiine. This place is so full of holes and compartments it’d be a radroach paradise if not for the lack of food. Speaking of food… “It’s a sign!” I pointed at the first literal sign hanging on the wall id seen today, looking between the little princesses with the same dumb smile. “Ehh? Get it? A sign~”

The alicorns may have facehoofed at my grade-A dad joke, but I had a sense of direction now! Cafeteria, Engineering, Aft-Cargo, and Bunks. “Finally, goals!” I cheered. “Eeny, meeny, miney… that one!!” I picked engineering before trotting down the respective hallway. My search methods were flawless as none could question me!

Loose cables hung from the ceiling and a number of them occasionally sparked when a breeze passed through. The further I went the more the ceiling roiled in a flowing stream of black smoke. Something had to be producing this stuff and I was going to find it! Mainly just to turn it off.

I crawled along the floor to avoid breathing in the smoke in. My patent pending radroach skitter was coming along nicely too. Be one with the radroach, Become the radroach… envision the rad- Oh hey another sign!

‘Workshop!’ And that can only mean one thing. LOOT!! A room full of the things Stable-83 was short on!

The little princesses stood there at the base of the door glaring at me and shaking their heads in disappointment.

“Whaaat? They practically sent me out here to die, what’s wrong with insuring myself a life of luxury when I go back?” I whined only to be met with a more disappointed head shaking of my royal figments. “Fiiine! I'll look for stuff to fix the array. Maybe they have an issue of ‘Arrays for the socially challenged’ in here.” I grumbled.

The princesses nodded and poofed leaving me to slowly push the door open… and by slowly I mean it was stuck. And by stuck, I mean forcing me to think on how to open it. This pipe jutting out of the wall should serve me well in this endeavor. To open the door I’d employ the oldest and most sacred of scientific research methods in pony history. The pointy stick method!

Channeling my inner cave-pony I levitated the pipe and started bashing the door. The raptor filled with the bangs and clangs of my attempts. “Must-” bang “Apply-” clang “Problem solving-!” BANG! “Skills!” BangBangBang!!

Once my horn got tired from vigorous TK use, I dropped the pipe and sat down for a break. “Okay, Magic and higher thinking clearly aren't working here.” I gasped looking up at the now very dented door. “Where good ideas fail, dumb ideas succeeded!” With a deep breath below the smoke, I stood on my hind legs, gripped the pipe between my forehooves (don’t think about it), and went to town on the door once more.

Bang!Bang!Bang!!BANG!!

“Ehh! Ehhh!! EH!” I wailed on the stuck door praying that at some convenient point, my earth-pony lineage would come surging through my wimpy unicorn limbs! “Just gotta apply the stick method.. a little.. moore!!” Several more wacks turned into a good ten minutes of wacks and an exhausted me laying flopped on the floor.

“Cmoooon… lemmie iiin.” I pleaded with the door in defeat, limply tapping the pipe on it with my nerd limbs.

Magical prowess failed me, and so had the brawn of my 50ish percent earth pony lineage, which nopony was around to contest otherwise! Curse you steel for being stronger than my noodle hooves! At least I wasn’t stupid enough to buck the door open, you miss the crowbar one time trying to pop a rusted door on B3 and It goes right up your… spine.

I blinked, and facehoofed with a groan. “Luna fucking damn it…” Forget magical prowess and brawn! It was time to employ the greatest tool of noodle-limbed ponies everywhere! Engineering and basic geometry! These forces combine in a spectacular little explosion put on by my tiny princesses to form… Leverage!

Having beat the door into dented fuglyness I jammed the battered pipe into a small gap at the edge and pulled. “Ehh! Ehhhh!! EHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

PIIING!!

The metallic ping went off as the door flung open and broke past whatever had been jamming it. The pipe went flying and I tumbled backward. I sat up and threw my hooves in the air. “Sucess!” Only for another metallic ping to ring out as the flying pipe came down on my head.

It began with something between a scream and an ‘OWOWOW!!’ before ending with the miniature goddesses blushing at the Stable-mare. A Stable mare who spent an untold amount of time rolling on the floor, holding her head, and screaming enough incoherent profanities even the rock breakers would struggle to maintain eye-contact.

One recovery later the workshop was just as messy as the rest of the ship, with a few very notable exceptions. Nuts, bolts, screws, shattered bulbs, and dusty tools were scattered about. A hammer here, a combination wrench there, and the first artificial light since I came down here. A terminal! Next to a vice holding some strange contraption was a terminal on a bolted-down table.

Trotting right past the debris I hopped on my hinds to reach the terminal. “Well hello beautiful, Been a while since I've seen a-” Reaching for the terminal’s keyboard my hoof went right through it. “What the…” I tried the motion again, and again, but my hoof whiffed through the terminal each time. “Aww, Cmooon!!”

The terminal upon closer inspection may have been shaped like an ordinary terminal, but it was made of cloud… stuff. Screen, keys, casing, nobs all of it made of various colors of clouds. “Seriously?! HOW?!” no dice. “Dark.. wispy.. Pega magic..” I grumbled glaring at the screen and the message that was left on it.

Engineering-R.F.B.
Log # 117b (Do not SUBMIT!)

Everything around here has gone to shit! Fix this the captain orders, repair the loading bay hydraulics before tomorrow she demands. How fast does she expect us to fix things with only duct tape, rust, and clouds? We've started delegating team projects to individual engineers. Even worse, syncing up schedules with Pink-Nimbus has been Tartarus in the Sky. That feather duster of a captain has cost me Three Dates!!

Now she's ordered engineering to ‘fix’ all the broken rifles before we get home. Fix them with what?! Tape?! Glue?! Hopes and dreams?! Half the weapons in the armory have cracked lenses, and she wants them fixed so she can report them as ‘functional’. Fine! She wants functional, I’ll give her functional.

Here captain admiral sucker, let's get goddess damned Midevil with it. Cannibalizing a third of the armory I got a quarter of the rifles ‘functional’. I can hear it now. (Insert squeaky captain's voice here) “What weapons? We never had those weapons~ We were always underequipped, arnt we so resourceful? Please Admiral let me blow you under the desk while you read the report about this economic weapon ‘I’ invented. Teehee!”

Behold everypega, the Enclave has fallen back into the Renaissance. I present to thee the MEW-Musket! Gaze upon its half-assembled case, saving us on material costs. Apply your cheap-ass eyes to the exposed lens matrix, so easy to replace when damaged. Plus in a dash of Innovation, I used a bunch of ‘leftover’ spark capacitors from the fuze box outside the captain's room to install a charge feature. I’m sure everypony has time in a battle to turn the little crank on the side to load their shots. Its fiiine! Perfectly safe to use even! Just don’t get-

—----

The rest cut off at the bottom of the screen. Unable to scroll I looked where a vice held a gun-shaped amalgam of wires, lenses, and the skeletons of other guns. “Well it looks like a gun, the report says it's a gun, it-” I sniff. “ it smells like a gun...”

Free from the vice I hovered it down so I could inspect it from the comfort of not standing on my hinds. The little princesses hanging from the exposed wires and barrel. “Okay Sketchy, 7th-grade security field trip for part of that ‘scared straight’ crap the Overmare thought was a good idea. What do you remember about guns?” I thought aloud, turning the thing over and inspecting every which way. “It’s got a mouth grip.. Which I don’t need. The stick with the lenses on it is clearly the shooty end, and this jar thing here is a spark capacitor. But what does this crank do?”

Only one way to find out! I had the gun wrapped in my TK, so it was little effort to turn the crank simultaneously. A red glow manifested within the jar-sized capacitor. “Okay, this is kinda cool..” I stared into the glow. “What if I..” a few experimental cranks later I squeaked as small red arcs of energy started jumping around the exposed wiring when suddenly-

PWOOOMMM!!!

The air cracked like a rock breaker threw a rod when a wild stream of red shot out the musket’s end. I may have found myself hunched down to the floor with my hooves over my head, or I could say I was a brave mare and totally didn’t. Either way, opening my eyes there was a new beam of light coming in from outside, through a new hole in the wall. I looked back down at the smoking gun. “Holy shit… Is this why the security ponies act like they have the biggest dicks in the stable?”

***

Brand new confidence multiplier aside, I had a new issue. I’m totally keeping this thing, but I have nowhere to put it. It’s too long for my saddlebag, I can't hover it around forever, and there's nowhere on my person to store it. “No Brain, I will not even entertain the joke of shoving it up my ass and calling it hammerspace,” I commented aloud hoping the wrinkly organ got the message.

Idea! If it’s too big, I’ll just make it smaller. Musket + vice + this hacksaw I found = me lopping the musket’s five lenses down to one! A lot more manageable! “MEW-Musket, meet the MEW-Flintlock!” I held it aloft, right in the goddess-rays from that new hole in the wall for effect. “Or the MEW-Lock… MEF? MEFL?” I’ll need to pick a cool name later. “Heh… MELF~”

Just like the characters in my fics, I found names possibly the most difficult thing a creator can do. That and removing unnecessary content like the three dozen other names I had for the Mew-Lock. MEEF and Mew-Lock sound like the best contenders. I’ll ask Watcher-2 later.

Tossing the severed barrel aside It was much easier to slip my new weapon into my saddle bag. Just gotta remember to sack this room whenever I find whatever hole I’m gonna be sleeping in the next few weeks. On the subject of holes… I looked up to the blackness roiling on the ceiling and escaping through a new exit. “No wonder I can't smell anything burning, it's all clouds!.. I should probably turn that off.”

***

Deeper I delve into the forgotten bowels of this steel titan, my erudite mind deducing the harmlessness of the clouds filling the halls. The only real threat these blackened clouds posed was the low-hanging pipes hidden within. Pipes so foul and dastardly that they will be excluded from my memoirs as punishment for hitting me in the face. Even the smell of ozone grew dull as time passed. With my vision quite literally clouded and my pip-light being of little help I followed the hissing of distant vents.

“Good goddesses it's humid in here!” walking through all this mist soaked through my suit. First, my mane went frizzy, then it itched, and now my glasses are so condensed they dripped. I’m sure this would be all kinds of exfoliating or whatever Tulip called it, but my mane’s going limp now.

“Ugh.. I wanted a shower, not a sauna!” I groaned following the hiss, the occasional wall sign signaled I was heading deeper, towards whatever a cloud symbol means.

Following the signs I found a room, and after forcing a very slick door open the origin of the clouds was laid bare before me…ish. It was some kind of generator room, flooded ankle-deep, with many broken pipes spewing streams of blackened cloud that obscured all but general shapes. “Okay… it's broker than Saint Applejack’s poker face, so where’s the goddess damned off switch?” Sloshing my way through the pool of condensation and knocking floating mystery debris out of my way I hit something more solid. Alright, I'm sure two-year-old me figured out enough object permanence to feel this thing out. Square, metal, buttons on top, a control panel! But where’s the off switch?

The little princesses drifted in from the edges of my vision, dripping wet and flapping their wings like drenched moths. They looked.. Upset with me? “What? You didn't have to follow me down here.”

The two soaked figments shook their heads. Celestia shook herself off like a dog from the kindergarten stories while Luna pulled out a pair of glowing hoofheld cones and started waving them around. “Oh oh! I know what this is! I watched the other kids play charades at PJs Cutiescenara!”

Tiny Luna just stared at me like that was possibly the saddest thing she ever heard. Then shrugged cause my guess was probably close enough and started waving both the glowing cones off to the right. “Okay, you either want me to dance.. or move my hoof to the right?”

It was Mini-Celestia’s turn to deadpan ‘seriously?’ on her face. I smiled sheepishly and moved my hoof to the right pressing the first button I hit. A click and the distant sound of crashing metal later, the hissing pipes dwindled to nothing. “Thank Celestia It’s finally off! Should finally be able to see around here once the.. clouds.. clear.”

My throat went dry, which was quite difficult given the humidity. Mental scar number four, or at least I think I was up to four. It wasn’t just bones this time. It was bones, brown smears up the walls, and a room full of very brown water. Piles of tattered uniforms and crunched black plates lay against the same wall as the debris in all the other rooms. Bones floated and bobbed around my hooves, the last remnants of soggy sinew clinging to them, and I was standing here ankle-deep.. in pony soup. Guess I found the engineers...

I gagged but choked it down, I’ve puked way too many times in the past few days! Short of my muffled gagging, and dripping from the pipes the room was quiet and still. “Huh, managed to not throw up this-”

“Ughhsshp…gushk~” A groan and a wet sound I can only describe as a ‘glorp’ sent a shiver up my spine.

“Sweet Celestia if this place is goddess damned haunted too I’m gonna scream…” and if the situation couldn’t get any worse, my pipbuck started ticking. Rads, Cause of course this room needed magical radiation to microwave the corpse soup!

Another wet and gurgly groan came from the pile of water-logged equipment. Why yes brain! This is an excellent opportunity to work on my backstep, so glad you reminded me. The water, or should I say soup, sloshed as I backed towards the door. The pile kept shifting “Brad.. that better be you!” What rose from the pile of rot was not my valiant Radroach companion, it was a pony, or at least what’s left of a pony. Bound in the moldy remains of an orange uniform and rotting black overalls was a pegasus, half a pegasus. Hissing and gurgling as it stood, the pegasus was a walking corpse. Most of its face was missing, bones were exposed everywhere, and almost all its coat had fallen out leaving mushrooms and translucent skin in its wake. Decomposing limbs shook as they moved, allowing a mess of goo, intestines, and fungus to spill from a gash in the creature's belly.

Well, this is horrifying, and I‘d scream if it weren’t for the… oh wait, I didn't have a reason NOT to scream. In that case- “ZOMBIIIEEE!!!” I cried like a filly, which was very justified this time! I backed away faster once the corpse started walking, teeth gnashing, and groaning wet rasps I’ll never unhear. I ended up falling flank first into the hallway right outside the room. Scrambling and slipping on the soup-slickened floor, I bolted through the ruin until I was out of the soup. I looked back just to see the zombie limping its way after me, dripping the sludge and dragging a useless hindleg behind it.

“Okay, take a second and think Sketchy! Gotta think, gotta act. Gotta think, gotta act, gotta think, gotta- Ahh!!” I shook my head to break the loop. I could outrun the thing or I could- “I choose violence!!” I cried pulling out my ‘new’ magic flintlock as frantically as possible, pointed, and-

Click!... Click!Click!Click!

I stopped and stared at the gun. “C'mon don’t be broken now!” I shook the gun, and all I got in return was a little rattle. “Oh yeah… gotta crank it.” my dumb was going to get me killed! Ahhh!!

I resumed backing away from the approaching abomination to the goddesses, charging the capacitor’s red glow with each crank in the grip of my TK. “I know damn well Tartarus isn’t full! Get back in there creep!” I yelled pulling the trigger.

PWOOOM!! Exploded out of the end of the flintlock in a streak of searing red. Shrieking through the air off to the right, missing the walking dead entirely. “Shiiit! I pointed right at him!” Back up faster sketchy! Back up faster!

Crank and fire till it dies! PWOOM!! Crank, PWOOM!! Crank, PWOOM!! Crank. Im burning holes in literally everything but him! I had to hit him, I assumed it was a ‘him’, eventually! The law of averages said so! ”It’s a laser! Why doesn't it go in a straight line!?”

The gnashing of teeth and wet groans of the creature drew ever closer as it hobbled towards me. Another of its back legs snapped leaving its rear half dragging on the ground, yet this undying thing continue to claw its forehooves at the ground and pull itself towards me. A long black smear rowing behind it.

Okay, I gotta aim, and not just point the gun in the general direction of danger. Just do what the ponies do in the old comic strips. Gun in front of me, look down the ironsights, which the gun fortunately had, close an eye, aaaaand fi- PWOOM!!

I may have closed my eyes.. a little.. A lot, but upon opening one I saw results. A wheezing zombie thing with a smoldering hoof-wide hole bored through its chest. A second later in a dying groan, the undead pegasus fell to pieces. A loose pile of limbs, bones, and singed gore lay in the water. Chunks in the year-old salsa.. I’m never going to be able to eat salsa again after that statement am I?

“Phew…” I panted lowering the equally smoldering flintlock. “Thank.. Fucking.. Celestia.. It's finally dead.” no longer standing in the corpse soup I sat down to recoup. “Whatever happened to zombies only dying when you shot them in the head?” I asked and the only pony to answer was the manifesting little Luna, now clad in a bandana, an army green ‘born to pone’ tank top, paint under her eyes, and hovering a pair of assault rifles like the ones from the stable armory. Shaking her head as she looked up at me and shrugged. “Okay to be fair.. What wouldn’t that kill?” and as if solely to answer my question the tiny Celestia showed up in a Nightmare-Night vampire-bat pony costume. “Okay okay, point taken. But that isn't a vampony!” I pointed the smoking flintlock at the corpse. “I mean how could it even move?! You can’t send electrical signals along dead nervous tissue!..unless it's fresh as hell…” Somehow the flashback to dissection day in biology class made me shiver more than this monster did. Ughh, that poor radroach, getting cut apart and zapped for a quiz grade.

Yep, the surface is kinda ass. Seeing the manifestations of the goddesses was pretty cool but... First, it was corpses, then it was ghosts, then it was butt cannibals, and now it’s zombies! What's next? Raining fire?!”

***

“Holy horseapples it’s raining bucking fire!” standing where I entered the wreck, embers fluttered down the hillside around me. Countless orange specs clinging to ashes fell from the- “Oww!” I hissed, shaking the hoof singed by an ember, and retreated back under the cover of a raptor support beam. “Isn't it supposed to rain WATER?!” I threw my hooves into the air mildly hoping the princesses above would answer. Looking up though I saw the edge of the clouds the embers fell from. How small was this firestorm?

If I were writing in my book right now, I'd try to describe the camera view slowly panning out to a very tiny me looking left. “Oh…” leaving my mouth as a pillar of smoke spewing out the back of the raptor’s engines came into view. The reader might assume it's clouds but all the flames would give away its smoke. Then zoom the view back in on me! "Oops..."

I looked down at the still-smoldering magic flintlock recalling all those burning holes I left in the wrecked airship. “Great… Well, at least it was an accident this time.” A small comfort to be sure but I’m clinging to it! Maybe I should sit here and wait for the fire to go out before I- aaaand the field was on fire. Who knew an endless expanse of dead grass and trees would be super flammable? Cause I didn’t!.. Okay, I did, but how has it not caught fire before?

“Way to go Sketchy… you’ve been on the surface for two days and have started not one, but two wildfires.” I glared into the burning expanse, hoping the future me writing this down remembers to zoom the camera out so there was a tiny me looking quite grumpy at the flaming wasteland.

***

When the world burns around you, there is only so much a mare like me can do to pass the time. Cloud watching failed me cause there was only one cloud, tic-tac-toe failed cause B-Rad wasn’t around, and I was still sick of dad’s holotape. No, there was only one real option left… my second most faithful time waster!

“And the.. purple pegasus.. blushed like an.. apple? No.. beet?... Yeah, a beet.” I scribbled into my book. My first fic on the surface was going to be glorious! “Blushed like a beet.. when that.. big.. slab of royal guard buck…” I paused, was that too many descriptors?... Nah! “Whipped out his thunder di-”

“Provider! There you are!” came from next to me.

“Ahh!” I squealed slamming the book shut and flinching away from the source, clinging the book to my chest… only to realize it was only B-rad.

He stood atop a nearby metal plate. “Excellent battle cry provider, thine bravado is applaudable. A few score weeks of practice and even I might be intimidated.” he praised and I could somehow see the cheerful smile in his subtitles.

“For the love of Celestia’s favorite guard Brad! You nearly gave me a heart attack!” I panted calming down from getting startled, quickly stashing my book back where it belonged. “Do I need to put a bell on you or something?”

“I’d take it as a challenge dear provider! Such a hindrance for my stealth would be great training indeed.” of course he had a positive spin. “I’d expect no less of a challenge from the mare that wiped out the local cricket tribe! Thine use of fire was ingenious!”

I blinked processing. “I did what now?”

Brad gestured to the wide open field of blackened earth with only a few patches of flame remaining. “You’ve slain many vile crickets Provider! My kind would never hath thought to burn the savages out of their dens. But thine strategy doth know no bounds!” okay, seriously I'm not that impressive, and all this praise was making me cringe into myself.

“Yeah I don’t know about that…” I rubbed my neck with a hoof. “I didn’t exactly intend to light this wreck on fire. It was kindof an accident.. like…”

“Oh, don’t be humble provider. Its quite unbecoming of somepony so-”

POOOOMM!!

What was that? My ears flicked toward the mountain.

Ziiiiip- PING!

Brad.. exploded. Exploded into a spray of sparks, glowing paste, and chunks of green carapace. He splattered across the metal plate he stood, my hooves, my legs, even my glasses.

“B-Brad?…” I stood there, frozen, mouth agape at the spot where B-rad was previously singing my praises. My ears rang and my heart stopped. Green glowing goop ran down my lenses. A dull rapid ticking barely pierced the ringing in my ears as I began to shake. “B-BRAD?!” He’d been standing there.. Talking.. and now he was.. I shook, slowly looking down at myself painted in green viscera.

A voice from above broke the ringing. “You killed mah brother ya psycho bitch!! Imma roast yer ass!!” I’d barely looked up in time to see Rocky-Road perched up the mountain chambering another round into his long-barreled pipe rifle.

“Don’t just stand there!” A new voice tackled me, literally and figuratively, out of my stupor. Much to my ‘Oof’ I was sent flying deeper into a rusted hallway that provided cover. He may have misjudged his strength as I didn't stop until I bounced off a wall.

Collecting my senses, and struggling to my hooves the world moved way too fast. Between me and outside was an earth-stallion as big as Bronze, but with possibly the cleanest white coat I’ve ever seen. A vibrant blue mane and goatee combo swayed gently in the breeze as he stood valiantly between me and a pony trying to blow a hole in me. “Wh-what? Who? How?!” I almost stammered my way to ‘when’, ‘where’, and ‘why’ before he started answering.

“Long story, name’s Moonstone, we’re saving your life, so stay down so you don't get shot.” he ordered before charging out into the open. The stallion was clad in an unholy amalgam of license plates, road signs, and scrap metal held together by numerous straps. He was more barded than the security ponies during the mine-hour protests last year!

He didn’t have a gun, but between his teeth was a- “Sweet Princesses is that a battleaxe?!” Sure it was made out of stop signs, pipes, and a massive sharpened gear, but what is this? Medieval times?!

I expected him to get shot immediately, but he dove behind a boulder before the next shot splintered the rock. Rocky reloading, this ‘Moonstone?’ resumed his charge up the mountainside. It’s not impossibly steep, but the climb to Rocky’s sniper nest made my legs ache in sympathy.

“Yall gonna die too! I’m turnin’ that mare into a hat if it’s the last thing ah do!” Rocky threatened letting loose another round.

I looked around the broken hallway Moonstone left me in. Behind me, the dark path leading into the crashed raptor, and ahead was potential bullet-based death. I could run away and probably escape out some other hole in the raptor. Or I could be a brave mare and charge valiantly at Brad’s murderer! Wait Brain! Don’t get sad yet! I can’t angry cry till the rest of me is safe!

“We can help with that latter part!” called another, a mare’s voice, followed by a string of smaller pops.

“Who the hell is that- AHH!!” I squeaked ducking down as metallic tinks, zips, and pings rang out all around me. Tiny bullet holes riddled the panels above me, and sparks flew as the airship got even more aerodynamic. “So that’s what spraying bullets sounds like… The more ya know.” Tiny Celestia waved an arch in the air making a rainbow between her hooves.

“Yer aim is shit!” Rocky-Road insulted from high above.

“Yer shit!” I retorted from the safety of my metal tunnel, only to have a much bigger bullet hole appear above me. “EEP!” My false sense of security! Nooo!!

Gunfire rang endlessly from outside, but the relative ‘safety’ of this hallway lost all comfort and also blocked my view of the fight. A back-and-forth exchange between the rapid pops of the mystery mare’s gun (guns?) and the booms of Rocky’s rifle. Wait a pony flippin’ minute.., I’m not helpless this time! I drew my new flintlock feeling a bout of self-narration coming on. “And I pulled out muh gun!~ And just like the gang mares in the ‘Just Say Neigh’ video, imma pop a cap in his ass!” By Celestia that sounded cool.. note to self, figure out what a cap is later. For now, the surge of bravery only firearms can provide calls me to violence!

I skittered my way toward’s the opening, keeping myself wedged between the floor and the wall. Ducking down a little further every time new bullet holes appeared above me.

“Stap flappin’ round! Yer makin’ this whole vengeance thing expensive!” Rocky yelled from on high. Unfortunately for him, he was about to have three ponies to deal with!

I came galloping out of the halfway, cranking the flintlock, and the senses flowed over me. In the open air, I could see where the gunfire was coming from. Rocky was hard to miss given the puke green coat and blonde mane on dark stones, the booms of whatever monster caliber he was firing, and… oh yeah, my EFS pointed him right out. The armor-clad Moonstone was still clinging to the slope, dipping boulder to boulder toward the sniper nest. Rocky was busy firing at.. the sky?

Rocky ducked as bullets rained down again, my eyes following the line of fire up to- Wings?! A pony with wings?! Wait-no! A Wing-Boner magaz- Ack! No! Bad Brain! It's a pegasus! And honest to Goddesses pegasus! And a dark purple one too! Wearing a tattered jacket and some kind of overcomplicated gun harness she flew about overhead. She had all the grace of a pony wasted on maint-shine falling down a mine shaft.. Or a paper airplane dipped in applesauce. She was all over the place, veering erratically, randomly dropping out of the sky, and had a turning radius bigger than the indoor track of the stable gym. Simply majestic~

Intentional or not she was dodging all his shots and proving ample distraction for the sniper. More distraction can only help, right? I took a deep breath and- “Screw your wallet! You killed Brad you puke green, pony-gobbling, heathen!” I bellowed with my scrawny mare lungs, drawing all three’s attention, stopping the fight to stare down at me in bafflement. “When I get up there, I'm gonna potato peel yer face off and use it to burrito wrap your brother’s dead dick! That way I can shove it down your throat! Ya sick fuck!”... where did that come from?! Brain?! The little Celestia off in the corner of my vision turned a nauseous green.. Sweet princesses, even I felt some nausea at the mental imagery.

Not that that was going to stop me. “I don't care if ya blow my head off! Ghosts are real enough I will personally ask Luna to come down here and shove her throbbing black horn up yer ass! Sideways!!” I jumped in place yelling up the mountain at him.

“If it’ll even fit!! There might not be room left after I buck my hoof so far up in there you’ll taste my horseshoes!” I don’t wear horseshoes but it's the thought that counts. “Then I’mma push further so I can reach around and kick ya in the face! Like a goddess damned cartoon!”

My two rescuers and potential killer stared down at me, probably seeing a small unicorn, covered in glowing roach gore, yelling her lungs out below. Moonstone and the wonder-pega briefly looked at each other, then down back at me before Moonstone spoke up. “You’re going to what?...”

“Please kill that bastard!” I shook my gun in Rocky’s general direction. “He’s a bucking pony eater! And he killed Brad!!” I wasn’t exactly counting how many times I cranked the flintlock, but the red sparks probably meant it was full. I fired, and with the cracking boom resounding off the mountain above, a thick beam of crimson seared right up to Rocky’s cliff! I.. missed, Which I kinda expected after that fight with the zombie. At least it made everpony recoil. “That's right! I got a big dick gun now too!!”

Rocky peeked over the cliff first. “Ha! Ya missed! Can’t hit for shit four-eyes, just like that stupid turkey up there!” Rusty taunted, pointing a hoof down at me. His cowpony hat gently wafting off the top of his head… smoldering. Reduced to a hat-shaped ring on the ground.

I blinked looking at the equally smoldering gun next to me. “Huh, that was actually kinda close…”

“That’s it!” Rocky growled, tossing the corpse of a hat off the cliff. “I WILL find a way to eat you twice!” He whipped the pipe rifle down at me, scoping in.

“Ah, shit…” I dove for a piece of hull jutting out of the ground. One shot making a yay big hole later, my newfound cover lost nearly all its value to me. “How big are those bullets?!” I protested, cranking the flintlock and returning fire up the cliff.

The battle was on~! Three versus one! I’d need to thank these ponies for saving me later. Do they like pickles?

It became a cycle. Rocky would fire, and the pegasus would strafe him.. Badly, Rocky would fire again, then I’d fire on him, he’d fire again, and I’d change my cover. Each only served to stop him from directly seeing me. Why does he have ‘screw your cover’ rounds?! And where’d he get so many of them?!

Moonstone made great progress on his climb, but the purple pegasus landed down behind the cover with me, panting. She may be exhausted, dirty, and looking really pissed at the moment but.. She had a certain bearing about her, about as focused on keeping her mane out of her eyes as she was on trying to kill this guy.

“Would you kindly tell me if the cover down here is effective?” Her voice was lofty, refined even.. dare I say even a tad posh? Just like the mare at the beginning of Dad’s holotape.

I blinked, needing a second to process “I uhhh… they..” Answering her question for me a new hole opened up in the hull fragment and kicked up a spout of scorched earth behind us. “No.” I meeped, blind-firing another red beam up in Rocky-Road’s general direction. My sheepish smile did little to reassure my newfound savior.

“Do find somewhere else then, we’re supposed to be saving you remember? Helpless stable pony being assaulted by a raider. Ring any bells?” her wings did a flap while she bit and pulled a strap on her harness. A number of mechanisms clicked and shifted a fresh box of rounds into the mounted firearms. Being this close I could take note of the tattered leather-looking jacket with numerous holes and rips. What stood out the most though was the Enclave symbols, faded but still quite visible on her jacket and saddlebags.

Cranking my flintlock again. “You’re here for me? Not your missing ship? You’re part of the flying pony Enclave or whatever it's called right? ” I gestured vaguely at the wrecked enclave raptor that also had a scuffed symbol emblazoned on the side.

“Grand.. Pegasus.. Enclave” she enunciated like I’d pronounced her name wrong for the umpteenth time. “And the… the..” she looked up and down the wreck.

“Fogbank…” I injected.

“The Fogbank wreck is far less important than saving a-.. Wow, that's really the Fogbank?” The pegasus looked up at the wreck again, more astonished this time. “that's been missing since the battle with Little-Pip I think.”

Another bullet hole perforated our cover. “Back to killing Rocky PLEASE?!” I protested trying to reel the mare back in while I aimed. I pulled the trigger and-

Click~

I blinked and pulled the trigger a few more times.

Clickclickclick….. click…

“Oh cmon! Not again! I just got you.” I huffed shaking the flintlock and repeatedly pulled the trigger. There was no glow from within the capacitor, and no matter how many times I turned the crank no life came to it. “Cmon I neeed youuu!” I started to panic. Knocking the gun agenst the scrap-hull a few times before trying again. Nothing. I looked down the lenses on the end. “I don't see anything in there blocking the laser-

A wing smacked the flintlock away from my face and into the dirt. “Are you bucking stupid?!”

“H-Hey!?” I protested as the gun flew away, hooves outreached for it.

“You could have blown your head off!!” she hissed looming over me as I fell back on my rear. “That's practically the second rule of all firearms! Never look down the barrel of a gun! Even if you think it’s broke!”

I raised my forehooves between my and her defensively. “Okay, okay geez! I’m sorry! Not like I’d know given I’m FROM A STABLE!!” I yelled back.

“Just like how you didn’t know guns need to be reloaded?” she squints.

“But it doesn't use bullets! Why would it need to be reloaded if the thingy is crank operated? HMM?! It’s magic!” I countered shaking the magical flintlock in my TK again for emphasis.

Rocky’s voice chimed in from above. “Actually, magical firearms still use ammunition just like any other gun. Sure, a crank is good enough fer flashlights, but they aint strong enough for much else. Odds are yer thingy there uses the crank to move measured charges from ah spark-cell into the chamber. Kinda like how ah revolver rotates bullets into tha barrel.”

I blinked looking at the gun again. “Huh…”

“Finally somepony out here who actually knows what they’re talking about.” the pega mare rolled her eyes. “So yes, just like what the raider pony up there said, you need to swap out the spark cell once you drain it.”

“Welcome~” Rocky chimed before chambering another round.

“Okay but how do I-?” I started to ask before Moonstone broke into the conversation.

“Oh, are we all just making friends now?! Please stop talking shop with the enemy and help me girls!” He yelled down from a small cliff about two stories below Rocky’s position.

The purple pegasus snapped back to attention. “Ughh I didn't want to be rude but... Sorry dear, pleasant conversation topic and all, but we’re supposed to be killing you. Do hold still.” The posh pega turned and tilted her body up toward Rocky’s perch before biting down a bit attached to the harness.

I covered my ears as a seemingly endless stream of bullets sprayed up the mountainside. Those were not long-range guns.. Both Rocky and Moonstone took cover as little puffs of rock and sparks peppered the mountainside. Many of the bullets went so wide they ricocheted around the wreckage making even more holes!

It was loud and I opened my mouth to protest. “You’re hitting literally everything but him-”

Ping! Pang! ZiiiiIIIPP!!

In the blink of an eye, one of the small bullets bounced around the wreck and suddenly my rear exploded into burning pain. A wet warmth I was far more familiar with running down my muzzle now spilled down my right hind leg. My forehooves shot back to hold my rear as I fell to the scorched ground. “Ahahahh! Sweet Celestia you Bucking shot MEEE!! WHHHYYY!?” I cried dropping my flintlock. “Holy Horseapples it hurhurhurhurrrtss!!”

The gunfire stopped only to be replaced by the cutting laughter of Rocky at my expense. “Karma’s a bitch ain't it! Heheheee!! Ya brother murderin’ psycho!”

“You.. st-started it!!” I managed to retort from my totally dignified position on the ground. Why do bullets burn?! I was expecting it to feel like getting stabbed by something really small! Why did I expect anything at all? I’m not supposed to be getting shot! I’ve dodged like…what?.. Over twenty of them so far?! Only to get shot in the ass by my rescuer?!

“Nuh uh! You killed mah- Wait! No! NO!!” Rocky cried followed by the heavy grunt of somepony else. The wet slash of heavy metal through pony flesh and the thump of a body hitting the ground.

“Phew! Finally got up here.” Moonstone panted using both forehooves and teeth to pull the battleaxe out of Rocky’s body. Taken out in a single swing. “Good job distracting him girls! Got him before he could go on some kinda tirade about Karma or some other nonsense.” he complimented from the sniper nest.

“Oh.. Oh dear~” Wonder-pega quickly galloped over to join me behind my portion of hull with concern in her voice. “I must say it was quite the accident, do let me have a looksie.” She's the one who shot me, why would I trust her with grievous wounds?! “Did your stable give you a healing potion?”

I blinked pausing my incredibly justified crying and looked up at her. “A what?...”

“A healing potion… comes standard with every MOP basic medical kit? Should patch a little graze like that in a matter of seconds. Honest It’s not as bad as you’re crying makes it sound.” Was this posh pega condescending me?! She shot me!

“I.. we… I just…” I quickly hovered the healing potion out of my bag. The pain in my rear rapidly went from a cramp-like burning sting to a dull ache, and eventually to nothing. I stood up walking in circles trying to look back to where I’d been hit. All that remained of what felt like a missing chuck of my flank were the blood stains that ran down my leg. “Wow, that is fast!”

“Told you~ Twas just a little flesh wound.” The pegasus chimed like this wasn't her fault in the slightest.

I squinted. “You’re the one who shot me though.”

“Merely an accident I had no way of prediction would happen.” she smiled, hoof to her chest in self-assurance. “Besides it was just a measly little graze. The damage was more to your dignity than your posterior. I dare say you could have walked it off without the potion.”

Maybe I needed to say it slower? Enunciate in case Ponish somehow devolved where she was from. “You.. shot.. me.. In.. the.. Asssss.”

“Well, would you be more grateful if I’d shot you in the kidney? Or mayhaps we just let that cannibal up there take a bite out of you? Hmm?” Curse you heroic high ground!

Moonstone’s voice came down from above again. “Hey check it out! I didn’t break the gun!” Looking up I saw the buck raising the blood-splattered weapon in his teeth… fortunately away from the blood. “Ifff fing ish shil lofffed. Hef fed hons of vulleps- Oops!” the long barreled thing slipped from his mouth and went tumbling down the mountainside. “Butter hooves. Look out!”

‘That’s the second pony to mention butter..’ was the first thought to cross my mind before the butt of the gun hit the ground and went off with another BANG!! The bullet zipped around the debris field of the FogBank. My head couldn’t turn fast enough to keep up with where it went until one final Ziip!! And my rear exploded into burning pain again. The exact.. same.. spot. But WORSE!!

“For the love of the Goddesses WHYYY!?” I screamed collapsing and holding my rear again. A new wave of red ran down my leg as the burning ache all throughout my rear was back with a vengeance. “What is with you surface ponies and shooting me in the ass?!”

Moonstone winced peering over the cliff as I lay there in flank-based agony! “Ohh… My bad! Just uhh… I’ll be right down.” He said before beginning the journey back down the same way he got up.

Despite my urge to glare and pin all my pain on the big white buck, it was an accident. I couldn’t even deny it was an accident, seriously what were the odds?!

Posh-Pega stood next to me digging through her saddlebags. “I apologize for my… Associate blowing a chunk out of your flank.. again. He’s about as crude as most of the other surface ponies, but it was his idea to save you, so he means well.” I’d find that a lot more comforting if I didn’t feel mildly insulted at the same time.

“I’m a surface.. pony.” I groaned laying in the charred grass.

She perked realizing how that might have sounded “Oh erm..” The pegasus glances around clearly looking for a social save. “I didn't mean ponies like you dear. I meant the wastelanders. You know, like the savage that wanted to kill you?” She pulled a scuffed healing potion bottle out with her teeth and set it next to me. “Here, take one of mine to make up for such a social faux pas”

Never before have I drunk something so fast, borderline inhaling the healing potion. Thank the goddesses those things can’t expire! You’d think a potion that promotes rapid cellular regrowth would be super vulnerable to spoiling, but no. Saint Fluttershy made sure her cherry-flavored wonder fluids lasted forever. “Oh goddesses that’s so much better…” I panted and tossed the bottle while the searing pain in my flank faded away once more.

“You’re welcome~” The pegasus smiled standing proud once more. “It’s an enclave scout’s duty to protect the citizenry and the defencless~”

“What part of protecting the citizenry involves shooting a mare in the ass while saving her?” I asked finally sitting up and squinting.

“Well…” the wind leaving her sails. “Th-That was an accident! but umm.. Collateral damage is nary a concern in the face of saving lives!” aaand her wind was back.

“Right… my flank was collateral in saving my flank.” I squinted harder folding my forehooves as I sat on my newly un-shot rear. Yep.. I am literally butt-hurt.

She glanced around again trying to word her way out of this. Her wings tucked tightly to her sides “Well when you word it like that.. Yes.” she meeped before Moonstone showed up to save the pegasus.

“Hey Lucy, you manage to patch the target?” he asked, scrap-metal armor clanking with every set as he trotted over with the bloody battleaxe stowed.

‘Lucy’ groaned and glared at the buck. “How many times do I need to say not to call me that? My name is Noctilucent, would you please say it right?”

“No~” He said with a small smirk. “Your name’s a mouthful and takes too long to say in combat. Plus it pisses you off, so win-win.” he teased leaning in a little for emphasis making Lucy’s wings flap indignantly as she huffed and growled.. I like this pone.

He turned to me. “So uhh.. Ass still attached?” he asked concernedly looking me over.

Confirming my flank was still there I answered. “Very, not for a lack of trying to blow it off though.” I squinted at the both for a moment making Lucy cough and look away while Moonstone rubbed his neck with a hoof.

“Yeaaah, Totally an accident though. I mean what are the odds right? Shot in the ass by a 9-mil and a 50-cal in less than a minute without losing a leg? I’d be B-lining it to Tenpony Tower and buying all the lottery tickets I could after cartwheeling through a landmine factory.”

“Sure, that sounds great! Where is that?” I asked bringing up my pipbuck and tapping a hoof on the screen that only had four points of interest on it. “HMM?!” I tapped faster.

“Wow, you are a grumpy unicorn…” Lucy commented from behind Moonstone.

Oh, an opportunity to go off, how lovely. “Me? Grumpy? Naawww!!” I nawwed throwing my head back for sarcastic emphasis. “I’m just a pony who was practically thrown out of her stable into a wasteland she didn’t know existed. I’ve dealt with corpses, rot, mold, radiation, constant nausea, ghosts, zombies, wildfires, cannibals, and raining fire!” I threw my hooves in the air and continued despite this welling feeling inside. “On top of that!! I’ve nearly been murdered twice in less than a day. Shot in the ass by BOTH my rescuers, AAAND I’m covered in the gore of the only friend I’ve ever had!!” I… collapsed. Flopping on the ground and burning my face in my goop-covered limbs.

“He killed your friend?” Lucy spoke up sounding more concerned than when she shot me.

“Yes, he killed Brad!!” My head shot back up letting the tears run down my goop-smeared muzzle. “Splattered him! He saved my life multiple times and has been my only source of company since I left 83!”

“Ooooh…” Moonstone winced in sympathy as he looked down on. “I Umm.. I’m sorry about your pet radroach. Knew a merc that had a pet bloatsprite once. Key word being ‘had’ cause It got shot by a raider too.”

“Moonstone!” Lucy decried. “You’re going to make the poor mare feel worse!”

“Now hold on, I wasn't done!” he got defensive before resuming. “I mean think about it like this. I’m sure your pet radroach meant alot to you right?”

I sniffled looking up at him wobbly-eyed through my glasses. “Yee…” I whimpered.

“Exactly. So much like the guy’s bloat-sprite, your radroach dying saved your life! And I’m sure he’d appreciate that sentiment… Brad was a he right?” he smiled sheepishly. Excellent performance but failed the landing spectacularly.

“Yeah, that’s fair.. “ I sighed and sniffed down on the ground. A warmth began to run down my muzzle. “Oh Goddesses Damn it not again!” I sat up holding my wrist to my nose as red spilled over my stained sleeve.

Lucy and Moonstone glanced at each other looking concerned before Lucy spoke up this time. “Are you.. Alright? You just had those healing potions, something that could cause a nosebleed should have healed already.”

I waved her off with a free hoof. “No it’s fine, I get nosebleeds all the time when I get worked up. Totally normal.” I answered rapidly devolving into a mouth breather with my nose blocked.

“All the time?” Lucy tapped a hoof to her chin. “Then why would it start after you already calmed down?...” She pondered a few seconds more and blinked. “Get that stable suit off now!” She ordered pointing at me.

I, startled as I should be by her outburst, scooted back. “What?! Why?! No!”

“Cause you’re getting microwaved alive!” she yelled running over, biting and pulling at my stable suit.

“I am not!” I flailed as the Pegasus did all in her power to try and rob me of my suit!

“You don’t have time for to argue! Moonstone help me!” Lucy ordered biting at the ‘cleaner’ end of my stable suit around my waist to try and peel it up and off me.

Moonstone inquisitively nosed at one of the sign plates over his left forehoof, biting a strap and flipping it open revealing he too had a pipbuck. One quick wave of it near me and the crackle of rads started going off “Oh buck she’s right! Strip her now!” he dove in too.

My panic at being pounced on and stripped by two ponies I just met was as justified as it was inconvenient. “Wait nooo!!” much flailing ensued.

***

I glared at the two, standing there, deprived of my stable suit, and shivering in the gentle breeze blowing ash around my hooves. Just me, my glasses, and my birthday suit. “I feel naked!” I protested watching the others do their best to wipe the glowing goop off my possessions over yonder!

“Trust me I know the feeling~” Moonstone chimed in from across the way.

“What’s that supposed to even mean?!” I asked waving my hooves… why is it suddenly so chilly out here?!

“Guess!” he teased taking a rag to my saddlebags.

I grumbled and pouted, folding my hooves and hunching down on the spot. “Freezing Celestia’s tits off over here…” I grumbled wrapping my legs around myself. “Colder than Nightmare-Moon’s cunt sitting on a snowcone…” I grumbled louder! I need to take my mind off it, the more I think about it the colder the breeze feels. “Ughh!”

“Ya know we still haven’t got your name yet.” Moonstone called again, tossing yet another rag over into a now glowing pile of rags.

“Sketchy!” I called back.

“Sketchy what? Chem dealer? Shop owner? Engineer?” goddesses he was making a list…

“No! It’s just Sketchy! When can I get my stuff back?! It's cold out here!”

Seems it was Lucy’s turn to answer as she came over after putting my suit in a small metal box. “Will you two please stop yelling? You’re only twenty feet away and your voice carries around here.” she scolded pulling out a baggie of… orange juice? Wait no, it's the rad-away from my saddle bag. “Now drink this before your mane falls out.”

I hovered over the bag turning it over and looking for where I’m supposed to open it. “Where do I…” I trailed off looking back up to Lucy standing there with a plastic scraw clearly stolen from some unfortunate juice box. I took it and jammed it into the baggie and started drinking. Good job Saint Fluttershy, it tastes how it looks… bright orange.

“Instructions on the back say to tear the corner, but that can get messy so I keep a straw on me. A mare needs to look dignified even when purging her body of radiation~ After all a gentle-stallion might be watching.” says one of the only two non-naked ponies within rock-throwing distance.

“Pretty sure bucks don’t care if you drink your life-saving drugs out of a straw or not. If anything I’m pretty sure they’d like it more if you were covered in the stuff.” I commented tipping drink/rad-away at her. “Bucks like a wet n sticky mare, especially if it was an ‘accident’” I air-quote before I resumed sipping. Not that I could talk having never actually asked a buck what they were into.. But she didn’t know that!

She deadpanned at me, which I probably deserved. “Life is not Issue #217 of Wing-Boner magazine Sketchy. Only uncouth and thuggish bucks would ever partake in such a fantasy. No, I speak of a more refined gentlepony. Clean, well-mannered, refined tastes, and believe it or not literate in more than just trashy smut rags.”

Well, this pega sure was opinionated. And wrong!! Wing-boner magazine is work of art! Still, my reflexes to social confrontation betrayed me. “Fair…” I responded calmly and kept sipping my not-juice. Spine! Where’d you go? How am I to defend all smut-kind without you?!

Checking out my pipbuck though I watched the rad meter I neglected slowly go down. ‘531/1000’… ’472/1000’... ’350/1000’... and so on. Why wasn't it rattling though when I started taking all these rads?.. Or was I really so distracted didn't hear it ticking away? “Hey wait a second… how’d you know the exact issue I was referring to?” I leaned in, squinting in judgment.

Without a fault in composure, Lucy answered “Well darling if you must know, the state of literature down here on the surface is as abysmal as it is moldy. Entire generations were raised on the idea that books were for starting fires to roast their siblings over, rather than reading the enlightenment they contained. Thus most surface ponies only know about pegasi from a hoofful of sources. Pre-war propaganda posters, everything the Stable-Dweller wrote in her book, and unfortunately.. Smut.” she sighed glaring beyond me in mild disgust as if the subject stood behind me picking its nose. “In a world where ponies would rather burn a dictionary than a bundle of tattered, long dead, trick-pony pictures… you learn a lot of the references.”

“Also Fair…” Again there was my lack of a comeback or way to keep the subject rolling without making Lucy angry. I need time to prep for social interaction, this freeballing stuff is hard! Still I sipped until the rad-away crumpled in on itself.

“I will never understand you surface ponies' fascination with wings. They're just a set of extra limbs. I mean really, it's like If I lusted after hooves like some sort of degenerate. It makes no sense.” Lucy continued, even as her own massive pair did a light flap in her mild agitation.

“Well on behalf of all the perverted degenerates the surface has to offer, I will play discord’s advocate.” Tossing the spent baggie aside I sat up straight, took a breath, and ran a hoof through my mane! Defending ponies like me must be my prerogative!

“Please don’t… I don’t think Moonstone can spare the brain cells if he overhears such a one-sided conversation.” Lucy glanced over to where the armored buck was still scrubbing my saddlebags with yet another rag.

Undaunted I had a point to make! “Look, from everything I've learned about what ponies are and aren't into-” I will not say where I learned such things. “Ponies finding wings attractive is basically the same thing as ponies finding unicorns with large horns attractive.” I smiled confidently pointing a hoof to my own.

“Hmm.. we’ll have to ask a big horned unicorn if that’s true when we find one.” Lucy said so casually as my soul shattered like glass upon the crispy grass. “Hey, Moonstone?” She called. “You don't know any massive horned unicorns along Route 10 do you?”

Moonstone’s head came up from my now clean -er looking saddlebags and tossed another glowing rag aside. “Well, there is this one wizard pony near Whitetail Forest, but that old ghoul doesn’t really take visitors so no,” he answered back, grinding my soul into sand. Not even he thought my horn was big. “Why? Is our little stable dweller cursed or something?”

I might as well be cursed! My welled-up confidence left my lungs in a drawn-out wheeze taking my posture with it. My horn… isn’t large? But… but.. It's at least average right?! RIGHT?!

“Are you alright dear? You’re going a bit pale. Do you need another rad-away?” Lucy asked concernedly quickly looking me over.

I shot up grabbing her by the collar of her fluffed jacket in my hooves… somehow. “Please tell me my horn is at least average!” I needed to know! What if stable life turned all the unicorns I know into calcium deficient stunty horned freaks?! What if I'M ONE?! What if I turn into some kind of alcoholic wasteland psycho killing everypony in my path with a massive pile of guns cause my horn is small?! “Tell me!!”

“What are you talking about! Let go of me at once!” Lucy struggled but my grip was greater.

Moonstone came running over in a hurry. “What's going on over here?” Assertively getting his big earthpony hooves between us to pry me off the doubt-sewing pega.

“Tell me my horn is at least average!” My forehooves flailed wimpily at Lucy.

He quickly looked to Lucy. “For the love of Equia-firma, what did you say to her this time Lucy?”

Trying to keep away Lucy hid behind the armored buck. “I don’t know, we were just talking about horn sizes or something and she just went off.”

“Was that why you-” He facehoofed and groaned. “You see, this is why I keep saying you should leave the talking to me. How can a mare as hoity-toity as you manage to offend everypony we meet? The guards, the raiders, the caravans, every ghoul we’ve ever met, and now this little stable pony we just rescued. How?!”

He said little! Was it about my horn? About me?! BOTH?!

“I don’t get it, what’s the big deal? It’s just a piece of booone!” she whined in a tone that made my ears crumble nearly as fast as my ego.

“That! That right there! Never mention horn size around a unicorn unless their sporting a sky-piercer that could intimidate an alicorn. Got it?!”

I curled up on the ground at this point with my forehooves on my horn trying to mentally calculate average lengths “My horn’s normal.. Totally normal. I use it regularly.. I polish it like I’m supposed to, I’ve never had a horn cavity. Even if they are a myth I’ve never had one…” I mumbled to myself only sounding a wee bit deranged.

Moonstone and Lucy argued back and forth for a good minute while I worked on my improvised hoof measurements. Seems like these situations were super common for the two, they argued like Tulip’s parents whenever she brought home a new buck-friend. Lucy must have a habit of offending basically everypony who isn’t her, and Moonstone has to fix it every time. Arguing in circles, mostly him trying to make Lucy see her mistake and her saying how ridiculous it was. Eventually I kinda just forgot about my horn and watched them go.

“In conclusion-” Moonstone turned back to me with a soft smile and a pat of his big hoof on my head. “Yes sketchy, your horn is in fact at least average, I’d even guess you have an inch or two above average. You clearly take care of your horn and the effort shows.” Oh goddesses I’m being patronized!

You know, if it were only the words I’d have said he was full of horse apples, buuut the smile and headpats sold me. I.. felt better. “I umm… thanks..” I stayed shrunk down after the pats and felt a tinge warmer. Lightly dragging circles in the dirt with a hoof. I’m not bashful, you’re bashful!

“Way to go coltsanova, you got another mare red as a tato~ proud of yourself?” Lucy sighed looking at the buck eyes half-lidded. I certainly got redder and turtled further.. Or was the term geckoed?

Moonstone groaned. “Will you let that go already? It’s not like that, you shattered a unicorns ego and I’m fixing it, again! And before you even start, that whole mutfruit merchant incident was on you miss ‘You’ll cover me right?’.”

I slowly uncompressed and struggled to look at the buck for a moment. “Are… are you two married or something?” I asked, eyebrow raised and pointing between the two. “Cause you argue like it.”

“Pfft, Her? Not a chance.” Moonstone rolled his eyes.

“You wish!” huffed lucy in indignation stamping a hoof. “See if I patch you up next time another dashhead stabs your tone posterior.”

“Oh you will, you’re helpless without me, just too proud and feather-brained to admit it.” He jabbed “Either way, here’s your saddle-bag back.” he added hanging the bags back over me.

The real question though. “What about my suit?” I asked looking at the little metal box a couple yards away. “We can wash it riiight?” I want my suit back!

Moonstone began to beam a little “Certainly! What kind of stallion would I be if I didn't help a wayward mare in distress? Especially a stable dweller down on her luck?”

“A practical one…” quipped Lucy behind him.

“A dick…” I added to the answers.

“But you’re too nice for practicality, aren't you? I mean we did save her life, and you just can't help but get more good-boy points in.” Lucy sighed, hoof to her cheek like she heard lunch hour was getting cut short today.

Moonstone grumbled louder bordering on the ever-dangerous grumpy scowl. “We're helping her, and that's final. If you want to pout about it Lucy you can walk to Applewood on your own.”

“I keep telling you it’s Noctilucent!” she growled stamping that hoof again. Oh yeah, he’s totally doing it on purpose.

My pipbuck pinged and looking down at the screen I saw a new icon appear far to the west. A new icon labeled ‘Applewood’ highlights a halfway doughnut-shaped region hugging the coastline and at its center another icon. The ruins of Los-Pegasus.. Neat!

“So we're going to hit route 10, pay a little visit to Bubble Town, and backtrack back to New Apploosa to get the little lady here supplied. Should only take a day or two, and if she feels like it, she can come along to Applewood too.” Moonstone laid out the plan leaving Lucy to grumble and pout even harder.

“Fiiine!” Lucy relented “But if we stop for something like a stray cat and your bleeding heart wants to take it back to yet another town I’m leaving you behind.”

My pipbuck pinged again as a tag for Bubble Town appeared along Route 10. Where was Old Apploosa pipbuck?! You know where the new one is!

I raised a hoof. “Hey umm… who, what, when, where, and why is Bubble Town?”

Moonstone blinked. ‘Oh right, keep forgetting I’m dealing with sompony even less informed than the Enclave~”

“Hey! We know plenty!” Lucy protested getting a tinge darker in the muzzle.

“Oh yeah? Then why is Bubble Town even around?” He queried leaning in a bit with a dash of smuggium in his smirk.

“Cause… umm…” Lucy quickly glanced around biting her lip before quickly pulling out yet another pipbuck up. It was sleeker and blacker than mine, aerodynamic I guess. “I-Its a trading town! Serving as a rest stop for the caravans traveling along route 10.”

“And?” He added, smuggium levels rising. “What else does your almighty Enclave intel say about little ole Bubble Town? Come ooooonnn~ It's the worst kept secret in the wasteland economy.”

I slowly raised a hoof again. “..Strippers?”

“No…”

“Booze?”

“No..”

“Blackjack and hookers?”

Moonstone turned to me again. “Just what did your stable teach you about the surface girl?!”

“I’m just covering my bases! I got a B in surface class!” These were honest and important questions! “I know it’s the world’s oldest profession and all that! And I can tell the difference between a tomato and a potato!”

“Oh lookie, the coltsanova is yelling at our poor rescuee, there’s no need to be crass with the poor dear.” Lucy trotted over getting her wing around me and wearing her own smuggium smirk. It’s so soft… so warm, just like my suit. Aww yeah~ “We can take..erm..” she paused glancing at me.

“Sketchy..” I filled in for my new feathered blanket.

“We can take Sketchy here to this ‘Bubble Town’-” she air-quoted with the pinion feathers of her free wing. “And get her cleaned up, show her the sights, and all the other wholesome things you want to treat her to.”

“So what’s so special about Bubble Town?” I asked slowly starting to nuzzle my way deeper into the wing over me, absorbing the fluffy warmth. It's so good.. And smells so pretty.

After a brief sigh of defeat, Moonstone perked back up. He picked the box up by a little handle with his teeth and tossed it with suspiciously perfect aim onto his back. “Fresh out of the stable and you get to see one of the great wonders of the wasteland~” he smiled. “The last working washing-machine!”

Level up!
Perk unlocked: Musket mare/stallion (rank 1)

-Revoluuuutiooonnn!!!! *cough* I mean uhh… Your skill in musket-like MEW weaponry has grown. Whenever you load 1 charge into such a weapon you can load 2 in the same amount of time, up to the weapon’s capacity. (this skill does not apply to motorized cranks or automatic variants)

Achievement perk Unlocked: Burning Down the House (rank 2)

-Seriously, again? The GM let you do this again? Having caused another accidental wildfire you've gotten even more used to the heat, both literal and legal. +10 fire resistance.