Chapter Nineteen: ...And Fall

"Who are you?"

The filly sits alone on a rock. All around her is an endless gray landscape of stone, broken only by craters. The sky is a cold expanse of stars.

Across from her, a figure materializes. The figure of an adult. An alicorn. Her coat is black, her mane and tail a dark blue starry cloud. She is wearing some sort of armor. She looks great and terrible, like a Queen.

"Who are you?" the filly asks again.

"You know who I am," the alicorn replies. "You have always known me."

"Black Snooty?" asks the filly.

"No."

"Hokey Smokes?"

"No."

"Queen Meanie?"

"No."

"Ted Dansen?"

"What? No!"

"Um..."

The filly trails off. The alicorn sighs.

"I'm Nightmare Moon," she says.

"Of course!" exclaims the filly. "Wait, no: who is Nightmare Moon? And why does everypony keep thinking I'm you?"

The alicorn sighs again.

"I shall tell you a story," she says. "A long time ago, there were two sisters. Celestia, the eldest sister, would raise the sun in the morning, and Luna, the younger sister, would raise the moon at night.

"But over time, the younger sister grew resentful. She decided to rebel, and transformed into a wicked mare of darkness. She attempted to depose her sister, and take control of the realm, and so Celestia had no choice but to imprison her on the moon for one thousand years. The name of that mare was Nightmare Moon."

"Ohhhh, okay. So......Nightmare Moon is Luna then?"

"Yes."

"So that means you're Luna?"

"Well, no, not exactly."

"So then...Luna is you?"

"Er, well, she was me, but now she's not anymore."

"Uh, what?"

"Well, you see, I was born from Luna's anger at her sister."

"Oh, I see. So when she stopped being angry at her sister she wasn't you anymore?"

"Correct; she stopped being me."

"So then who are you?"

"I am, well, me."

"Who?"

"Nightmare Moon."

"So...Luna then?"

"No, Luna is a different pony."

"Oh. So, you're Nightmare Moon, who was Luna when she was mad, but now Luna isn't mad anymore, so you're just you now?"

"Er, yeah. Basically."

"Oh. Okay. So, uh, what was Luna mad about?"

"Luna was mad because ponies went to sleep at night."

"Oh. And now she's not mad about that anymore?"

"No, she pretty much got over that."

"Oh. So then what are you mad about?"

"I'm mad about...uh, I'm not sure actually. I think I'm mad about rainbows. Also, I'm still mad about everything that Luna was mad about."

"But all the stuff that Luna was mad about was all stuff that happened to her before she became you, right?"

"Right."

"And we're absolutely sure that you're not Luna?"

"Absolutely."

"So you're mad about something that happened to somepony else a long time ago, even though that pony isn't mad about that stuff anymore, and also you're mad about rainbows?"

"Uh, yeah. That pretty much sums it up."

"Oh."

The filly and the alicorn stare at each other for a long time.

"So then what am I mad about?" asks the filly.

"You're asking me?"

"Well, I'm you, right?"

"Um, sort of..."

"What do you mean?"

"Uh, well, you're basically me...if I were a filly."

"Didn't you used to be a filly?"

"No, I didn't. I've always been Nightmare Moon. It was Luna who used to be a filly. Before she turned into me."

"And we're still absolutely sure that you're not Luna?"

"Correct. Luna and I are two separate entities."

"Oh. Am I Luna?"

"No."

"Oh. Then who is Luna?"

"Luna is Luna."

"So then, neither of us really has anything to do with Luna?"

"Not really, no. At least, not anymore."

"But we're both Nightmare Moon?"

"Yes. Sort of."

"But Nightmare Moon is something that only exists because Luna got mad about something that she isn't mad about anymore?"

"Er, yes."

"Then...what are we mad about?"

"Um, well, I guess you're mad because Twilight Sparkle was mean to you a couple of times, and I'm mad because Luna was mad that ponies went to sleep a thousand years ago."

"That and rainbows?"

"Yes. Rainbows really piss me off for some reason."

"And we're absolutely sure that Luna's not mad about ponies going to sleep anymore?"

"Yes."

"And we're absolutely, positively sure that neither one of us is actually Luna?"

"Yes."

"Not even Luna in disguise? Like with a fake moustache or something?"

"Um, I don't think so. Let's say no. I'm actually getting a little confused."

"Me too."

For a long time neither of them say anything. The filly's tail twitches back and forth.

"Is something the matter?" asks Nightmare Moon.

"Well, it's just..."

"Yes?"

"It just feels like you kind of forced this whole 'transform into an evil alicorn for revenge' thing on me under false pretenses. And now I'm going to get in trouble because of all the stuff we did together."

"Well, to be fair, it wasn't really me that forced you to transform. It was basically that cult that started the whole thing. They wanted you to turn into Nightmare Moon."

"Oh. Well why did they want me to turn into Nightmare Moon?"

"Because they wanted Nightmare Moon to rule Equestria."

“But isn’t Luna Nightmare Moon?"

“No, as I've already explained. Luna and Nightmare Moon are two different ponies.”

"Who used to be the same pony."

"Er, yes."

“Oh. So this cult doesn't want Luna to be Queen instead of Celestia?”

“No, they want Nightmare Moon. Also, Celestia is a Princess, not a Queen.”

"Is there a distinction?"

"Actually, I'm not sure. Let's just play it safe and not even get into that."

"Okay. So let me see if I understand. Nightmare Moon was born because Luna was mad at her sister because ponies went to sleep at night. Then, later on, she stopped being mad about that and just became Luna again. But, some evil edgelord cult wanted Nightmare Moon to be Queen of Equestria, because I guess they think that one Queen is better than two Princesses, and probably also for some other reasons that only make sense to evil edgelords. Fortunately for them, Nightmare Moon still existed for some reason, even though Nightmare Moon was actually just Luna being mad about ponies going to sleep. Also fortunately for them, Nightmare Moon was still mad about ponies sleeping even though Luna wasn't mad about that anymore, and also she was mad about rainbows for some reason. So, they decided to use their evil edgelord powers to summon Nightmare Moon back into the world, except she came back as a filly for some reason, and that filly was me. Then, they abducted me and cast a spell on me so that I would remember I was actually Nightmare Moon, even though Nightmare Moon shouldn't technically exist anymore, in the hopes that I would use my hatred of rainbows and love of insomnia to depose Celestia and Luna and rule as Queen in their stead. Does that about sum it up?"

"Uhhhh, basically. Yeah.”

"Oh. Well then, I just have one more question."

"Which is?"

"What the actual fuck?"

Nightmare Moon sighs.

"Look, kid; you're probably overthinking this. To be perfectly honest, this premise never really made a whole lot of sense in the first place."

"Oh. So, uh...what's the meaning of life, desu?"

"Huh?"

"You know, why do we exist?"

“You mean, you and I specifically?”

“Yeah.”

"Um, in a nutshell? You and I exist because fans in 2011 would read pretty much anything that had ponies in it."

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget I said anything."

"Oh. Okay."

The filly and the alicorn sit together in the desolate moonscape, saying nothing and staring at the stars.

"...tho then the docktor thaid that I wathn't pregnant, becauth you can't get pregnant jutht from haffing a dream about Ted Danthen."

Black Snooty jolted awake. She looked around her in alarm.

"What the--how did I get here?" she demanded.

The little curly-maned filly next to her appeared startled for a moment. Then, she looked down at the ground with a disappointed expression.

"Oh, you mutht haff fallen athleep," she said. "Ith okay. It happenth a lot. For thome reathon, ponieth keep falling athleep when I talk."

Black Snooty's eyes darted around, adjusting to her surroundings. She was on a grassy hilltop, underneath the shade of an old elm tree. There was a building not far away, a schoolhouse by the look of it. She wasn't sure how, but she felt as if she knew this place.

She closed her eyes, inhaling the lilacs and the daffodils and the warm summer air. Yes, she remembered now. She used to come here, with her friends. Long ago; in a much happier time.

She took a deep breath, and suddenly it all came flooding back. She'd been a student at this school. She remembered school plays, and club meetings, and books and art projects and history classes. She'd had a life, once, and friends. She'd also had a mother. Why had she thrown all of that away? Was it to become Queen of Equestria? Why had she ever even wanted such a thing?

She'd made a real mess of things, since then. Her friends were in a dungeon now. So was her mother. She'd put them there. In retrospect, she wasn't even sure why. Most of her recent actions had made very little sense, she realized, and she wasn't entirely sure why she had done any of it. However, at this point, the reasons probably didn't matter. What mattered was that the good times were gone. She had thrown them away, and they weren't coming back. But perhaps she could atone...

"Um, Black Thnooty? Um, Your Highneth? Ma'am?"

Black Snooty returned her attention to the filly. She was a dowdy little thing: cream-colored coat, mane like a clown's wig, glasses, some kind of...undefinable odor...emanating from...somewhere. She'd gone to school with this filly, she realized, though she hadn't thought much of her at the time. And yet here she was, sharing her afternoon with the Evil Queen of Equestria; the usurper to Celestia's throne, the one everypony wanted to depose. After everything she'd done, this plucky, smelly, frumpy, ugly, disheveled, acne-plagued little bespectacled gremlin was sitting right here beside her. The way a true friend would.

"I'm sorry, Twist," she said. "My mind was elsewhere."

The filly smiled, a little sadly.

"That'th okay. Like I thaid, nopony lithtenth to me much."

"Twist," began Black Snooty. "The other foals at this school...they...they aren't very nice to you, are they?"

Twist shook her head.

"No," she said dejectedly. "Ith becauth I wear glatheth. And becauth I lithp when I talk. And becauth my breath smellth like kitty litter. My Dad even thinkth tho. And thith one time, when we all went to thummer camp, I accthidentally wet the bed, and thinth I didn't want anypony to know about it, I jutht thlept in it, and for the retht of the trip I thmelled like pee-pee, and everypony made fun of me for it. And then there wath thith other time--"

"Twist," Black Snooty cut her off quickly. "Er, this may seem like a delicate question, but have you ever heard a voice? Inside your head? A voice that...was telling you to kill everypony?"

Twist shrugged.

"Well shure, Your Highneth," she said. "We've all heard that voith. At leatht, I athume we all haff. I hear it all the time. But you can't let a voith in your head tell you what to do. It doethn't matter if ith telling you to kill everypony in Ponyville or to burn down the thcool or even to put a bunch of sharp thingth in your vagina. The way I thee it, even if I'm thad thometimeth, or if other ponieth are mean to me, it jutht meanth I haff to thmile even harder! Becauth Thelethtia'th thun will shine tomorrow! Or at leatht it would haff, if you hadn't put Thelethtia in prithon."

Black Snooty wiped the tears from her eyes. Well, to be fair, quite a bit of it was probably spittle; talking to Twist was a bit like having a conversation with a lawn sprinkler. But at least some of it, she knew, was tears.

"Inthidentally," went on Twist, "How egthacktly hath the thun been moving with Thelethtia in prithon, anyway? That'th been bugging the crap out of me..."

However, Black Snooty was no longer listening. She remembered suddenly why she'd flown all the way here from Canterlot, and what she'd brought with her.

"Twist," said Black Snooty. "I want you to have something. It's something that was...very important to me once. But somewhere along the line, I forgot how important it was, and now I don't think I deserve it anymore. I would be honored if you would wear this from now on."

Twist held up the cloth that the Queen passed to her, staring at it in awed reverence.

"Ith thith a Cutie Mark Cruthaderth cape?" she asked.

Black Snooty nodded.

"It is indeed," she said.

"Wow! That'th tho cool!" exclaimed Twist, a bright smile on her face. "I'fe alwayth wanted one of thethe!"

Black Snooty smiled. The excitement in the fugly little filly's eyes melted the ice in her heart like a cool island breeze. She suddenly felt wonderful, better than she'd felt in months. For the first time in a long while, the fog over her mind was lifted. Whoever or whatever she was exactly, she felt like herself. She cleared her throat.

"And now," proclaimed Black Snooty, in her most royal voice. "By the power invested in me as Queen of All Equestria and Some of the Lands Beyond Probably, I hereby induct you into the Esoteric Order of the Cutie Mark Crusaders! Iä! Iä! Cmcthulhu ftagn!"

Twist tied the cape around her neck and saluted, beaming with pride.

"Wow!" cried Twist. "Thith ith...thith ith the motht wonderful thing that anypony ever gafe me..."

Black Snooty smiled.

"I only have one condition," she said. "That you wear it with pride. And that you always remember what it represents. And that you do your utmost to...to be a better friend to your fellow crusaders than I was."

Twist smiled brightly and gave a jaunty salute.

"Thath ackshually theveral conditionth" she pointed out. "But I underthant what you mean. And I promith I will do everything you thaid. N-nipaaaah~~!"

Black Snooty smiled.

"Nipah, Twist," she said, brushing various types of moisture from her eyes. "Nipah...and Tutturu."

She looked up, through the boughs of the old elm tree. The sun was shining bright against the sky so blue. In that moment, she was euphoric; all the doubt in her heart was gone. She knew what she had to do.

"Please excuse me now, Twist," she said softly. "I have some ponies to let out of the dungeon."

"Not so fast!"

The fancy voice coming from behind caught her off guard, but Black Snooty recovered herself and turned around slowly.

A hot gust of Summer wind rose up, blowing a tumbleweed across the schoolyard. The two ponies faced each other: one a tall, powerful and imposing alicorn, the other a humble earth pony clad in a tuxedo.

"Oh, it's you," the Queen said calmly, regarding her interlocutor with a serene expression. "My new Finance Minister."

Soup Du Jour smiled thinly.

"Oui Madame," was all he said.

"Are you here about the whole 'fiscal insolvency' thing?" asked Black Snooty. "Because I actually had an idea about that. What if, instead of trying to find actual money to pay our creditors with, what if we just printed up a bunch of worthless slips of paper and called it money? That way, we could just create as much of it as we want, and use it to pay ourselves. And even though it's worthless, everypony else would be forced to use it as if it were real money, because we would force them to. With violence. It would be a great way for us to keep running up an infinite amount of debt without having to actually pay any of it off!"

Soup Du Jour smiled thinly again.

"Oui Madame," he repeated. "It sounds like a perfectly evil scheme, quite worthy of Madame's reputation for villainy. And may I say that Madame has wedged in this political commentary most expertly and with maximum subtlety; nicely done. However, I regret to inform Madame that I am not here today in my capacity as Finance Minister."

Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"You're not?"

Soup Du Jour shook his head sadly.

"No, Madame. I regret to inform you that...this is a coup."

A gust of hot wind rose up again, blowing several more tumbleweeds between the two of them. Did Ponyville always have this much tumbleweed blowing about? Black Snooty wasn't sure, but she held still, her serene expression unchanged. Without taking her eyes off of her Minister of Finance, she spoke calmly:

"Twist," she said. "Perhaps you should run along home now."

Twist looked like she wanted to object, but the tone in the Queen's voice would brook no argument. The little curly-maned filly nodded soberly, adjusted her cape, and trotted away. When she was gone, the Queen returned her attention to her erstwhile Finance Minister.

"So what is this, Soup Du Jour?" asked Black Snooty, taking a step forward as yet another tumbleweed blew past. "High Noon? The final shootout?"

Soup Du Jour looked confused.

"It's...nearly five o'clock, Madame."

Black Snooty glanced at the sky.

"Oh, right," she said. She used her alicorn powers to adjust the position of the sun. Then, she cleared her throat.

"What is this?" she asked again. "High noon? The final shootout?"

Soup Du Jour smiled grimly.

"Something like that, Madame."

"Well, it's very dramatic."

Soup Du Jour adjusted his bow tie. He took a step forward.

"Madame was very cruel to me," he said. "All my life, I have dreamed of only one thing: to be a waiter. And you, your Majesty...you gave me this dream, let me hold onto it for just a moment, let me taste it but a little, only to rip it from my hooves and slap it into the dirt!"

"I have no idea what the buck you're talking about," replied Black Snooty. "I don't even remember who you are. You're...kind of a background pony, to be perfectly honest. If you really wanted to be a waiter so bad, you could have just told me. I could have made somepony else Finance Minister; it really isn't that hard of a job."

Soup Du Jour's expression darkened.

"Maybe you lie," he said. "Or maybe you tell the truth. It is of no matter to me, madame. Now that my one dream has been crushed, I no longer care if I live or die. But, while I still draw breath on this earth, there is one thing that I have left to do."

Black Snooty glared at him.

"You can't possibly think you can take me on," she said. "Or take on me. You'll be gone in a day."

"Oui, Madame," said Soup Du Jour. "And yet, I'll be coming for you anyway. As will my friends."

As if on cue, five cloaked, shadowy figures stepped out from the shadowy shadows.

"Allow me to present, Madame...the Elements of Harmony," said Soup du Jour.

Black Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"The Elements of What?" she demanded. It sounded vaguely familiar...

Soup Du Jour smiled.

"Allow me to demonstrate, Madame," he said.

The first figure cast aside his cloak and stepped forward.

"Remember me?" he demanded. "My name is Filthy Rich. You killed my daughter, and I'm here to take revenge."

"Wait, what?" said Black Snooty. "I thought that Magnet guy was the one who killed your daughter?"

Rich shook his head angrily.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he demanded. "Just because you were able to fool the horse-police and those idiot detectives I hired, you can't fool me. I know it was you that killed my precious Diamond Tiara! And even if it wasn't you, who gives a damn? You're terrible at being the Evil Queen of Equestria! Literally anypony could do a better job than you! That alone is reason enough to depose you!"

He puffed out his chest, and Black Snooty saw that he wore an intricate medallion with a gem at the center, shaped like a purple diamond.

"I now wield the power of the Element of Generosity!" he proclaimed. "Because I give to charity sometimes, and even if I only do it as a tax write-off, it still counts!"

Another figure stepped forward and threw off his cloak. This one wore a medallion with a red gem, shaped like a thunderbolt.

"Remember me?" the rusty brown earth pony demanded.

Black Snooty squinted.

"Oh, yes, I think I do," she said. "Your name is Night Soil, correct? You work the reception desk at the castle."

"Yes," he said, smiling bitterly. "I have faithfully served you, my Queen, as well as the Order of the New Moon. My master, the great and powerful Evening Musk, served you faithfully too. And how did your Majesty repay that service? By killing him in cold blood, and tossing him aside like yesterday's garbage. Well, I've got more loyalty than that. And as it turns out, it's just the right amount of loyalty I need to wield this: the Element of Loyalty!"

The next figure stepped forward. This one was rather short, and seemed peculiarly non-equine in stature. When he took off his cloak, Black Snooty saw that this was because he was a miniature dragon.

"Remember me?" he demanded. "It's me, Spike. You know, your adoptive mother's faithful assistant? The mother you threw in the dungeon for literally no reason when you suddenly turned evil, also for no reason?"

He puffed out his chest, and Black Snooty saw that his medallion had a blue jewel that was shaped like a balloon.

"Now, I'm the Element of Laughter!" he proclaimed. "Because if I couldn't laugh at myself, I'd be dead by now!"

The next figure stepped forward. She was a rather stout middle-aged unicorn, with a pink coat and a blue mane done up in an enormous beehive. Snooty felt like she'd seen her somewhere before, but she couldn't place where. She wore a medallion with an apple-shaped gem in it, except the apple was orange for some reason.

"Oh, hi there, your Majesty," the unicorn said pleasantly. "It's me again, you remember? I'm Sweetie Belle's mom. You know, the poor little filly you've got locked up in your little ol' dungeon there?"

Black Snooty nodded. Of course; this was the unicorn who'd made the petition earlier that afternoon.

"Well, I'm sorry to do this, your Majesty, but I really want to get my little daughter out of the pokey don'tcha know, and well, ya keep on tellin' me to 'come back next week,' but I've been comin' ta see ya for weeks and weeks now, and ya never seem to remember me, and, well...I'm afraid I just don't have much faith left in bureaucracy, don'tcha know. So now, I'm the little ol' Element of Honesty here, because, well, I honestly just don't think you're doin' such a great job as the Queen of Equestria there."

The last of the five stepped forward. This one was only a filly. She tossed her cloak to the side.

"Hi, Pyx!" she beamed cheerfully. "Remember me? I'm Lemon Pledge, the filly who played Chimney Sweep #4 in your play! I'm here because they needed somepony to be the Element of Kindness!"

She puffed out her chest and showed off her medallion, which had a gem shaped like a pink butterfly.

Finally, Soup Du Jour returned to the fore, casting aside his tuxedo and donning an elaborate tiara.

"And I," he said with a dramatic flourish, "Am the Element of Magic, Madame."

Black Snooty raised an eyebrow.

"How can a pony with no magic be the Element of Magic?" she asked.

"I...don't know, Madame," admitted Soup Du Jour. "But it was the last one left. And anyway, I don't think it really matters; this thing is almost over. Now, if Madame does not mind, I would ask her to please hold still, while we fire up a giant rainbow of destruction to blast her with."

"Well," began Black Snooty. "I think it's really great that you all have these matching disco medallions, but really this whole coup isn't necessary. I've actually decided I don't even want to be the Evil Queen of Equestria anymore, so maybe I could just abdicate and we'd all be happy--"

However, the others weren't listening. They had fired up some kind of magic spell, and were now levitating into the air, surrounded by a heavenly aura. Their eyes lit up with power, and suddenly a huge rainbow burst forth.

"NOOOOOOO!!!" cried Black Snooty, as the rainbow blasted into her very core with the heat of a thousand suns. She felt as though her entire being were disintegrating. Disjointed memories passed before her eyes: memories of hatred and betrayal; of rebellion; of a thousand years on the moon. She saw other memories too. She saw a young filly romping in the schoolyard with her friends. Laughing. Playing. Brutally murdering two other foals who had picked on her. Frolicking in their entrails.

As her body was consumed in the blinding. all-colored light, a final thought passed through her mind:

So THIS is why Nightmare Moon hates rainbows so much!

Then, there came a last surge of power, and Black Snooty's consciousness was finally rent asunder, her life and her memories scattered to the winds.