Shining Armor and Cadence trotted around aimlessly as they prepared for a gathering they had planned with the other couples. Cadence slaved away in the kitchen making all the princesses favorite foods and desserts, making abundantly sure that the quesadillas didn’t touch Twilight's food. She also made a call to GriffinStone for a few batches of fish and other meats as there was a guest with more of an "exotic" palette joining them.
Shining Armor got the guest room ready with chairs and drinks and tried to help as best he could, soon the doorbell rang as the first couple arrived.
"Twily, good to see you!" Shining Armor said, hugging his sister. " You two, Flash, get in here!" Flash Sentry, a previous guard of the Crystal Guard and Twilight's boyfriend, smiled and joined the embrace.
"It's so good to see you again, BBBFF." Twilight spoke, bringing up her brother's old nickname.
"Glad to be here, captain. It's been way too damn long since I've been here." Flash said, looking around at the castle above. Shining smiled at the couple's willingness to be here.
"Glad to see you two are feeling up for it. Come on in, Cadence is just making some snacks." He invited them inside with a wave of his hoof, to which they graciously obliged and walked inside.
As Twilight and Flash walked inside, Shining went about his business, still needing to prepare. The next couple arrived rather quickly, without the doorbell ringing, a spiraling green portal opened up, freaking out Shining Armor as he thought Shang Tsung was coming into their world, having played too many video games as he cowardly fell down as Celestia and Discord entered the room. Shining looked up and deadpanned as he saw the chaos lord and the goddess of the day standing there.
"Did you seriously have to show up like some eldritch horror was being summoned?" He moaned.
"No, but I hate it when all eyes aren't on me when I arrive." Discord said, turning the hallway into a red carpet and strutting his way down it as cameras flashed. Celestia lit her horn and countered the chaos magic as she walked alongside him and kissed him.
"Now now, Dissy, this isn't our home. And you know better than to disrespect it, right?" She said with a bit of a smile.
Discord huffed. "Oh fine, I guess so. Sometimes I wonder how I ever let you wrap me around your hoof." He snorted, his lover chuckled and held his paw.
"You know you love me…" she cooed, getting a blush out of Discord. Celestia giggled and faced Shining Armor.
"We'll be waiting in the guest room." She spoke, teleporting the both of them away in a golden flash. Shining Armor sighed, ever since those two have been together, they have been a bit of a handful. Even so, at least it had its perks. Most notably being the Lord of chaos not being so free with his magic while under the supervision of his well acquainted love. Just as he was about to start walking, Cadence teleported in front of him.
"Okay, the snacks are done, the game room is set up, and we have our guests filing in. All we have to do is wait for the last couple." Just as she said that, a knock came from the door. "You go make sure our guests are settled in, I'll take this one." She whispered, planting a kiss on his cheek and teleporting to the door.
Opening it, she was greeted by her Aunt Luna. "Auntie Luna, good to see you! But, where is he?" She asked, an eyebrow raised. Luna chuckled and began to count.
"Five, four, three, two, one…" As she reached one, a streak of red light came to a screeching halt beside her. As the red aura dimmed down, the full figure of Cadence's feline friend, ambassador of the Speed Shifters, Night Fury made his appearance.
"Hey hey hey, the party's here, bitch!" He laughed.
"Night Fury, it's been so long! How are you?" Cadence asked, smiling as she invited them in.
"Fit as a fiddle, Cady. I've been hella busy with my ambassador stuff. Helping with my culture at press conferences, allowing doctors to test my biological makeup, getting articles made for my parents arrival to Ponyville. It's been driving me bat-shit crazy! Even so, I still make some time to snuggle with this hot piece of ass." He said smugly, giving Luna a bump.
"As if you aren't just as sexy, Lightning Bug. I've been quite busy myself, as usual. But, I still somehow find myself with enough free time to make love to this one." She cooed, kissing him.
"Wow, sounds like you two have been busy! And in my experience, probably in more ways than one." Cadence jokes, getting an exaggerated scoff from Luna as Fury puffed his chest out. They soon arrived at the guest room where the game would be happening.
"So, are you two ready for a damn good time and some random shit?" Cadence asked.
"Hell yeah!"
"Let us commence!" Cadence smiled at their readiness and opened the door to the game room. The other couples turned their attention to the arrival of the last pair and greeted them.
"Ayo, Night Fury, what's up?" Flash called out, dapping him up.
"It's all good." Fury replied. He turned his attention to Discord and Shining Armor. "What's good, boys?!" The two other guys give him a warm welcome as any guy would. Celestia and Twilight, on the other hand, addressed Luna.
"Ah, good to see you've made it, sister." Celestia smiled as her sister gave her a hug.
Embracing the hug, Luna chuckled, "As if I would miss an event like this, It’ll be like when you and I used to play board games," Luna said, fondly remembering the good times that both came before and after her banishment.
"I doubt this is gonna be the same thing like what was in style 1000 years ago," Cadence piped up. "Let's just say that things have gotten a little more… fucked up when it comes to humor. Especially with the game we're playing."
"Oh please, how bad could humor have gotten?" Luna boasted. Cadence gave her a side eye as she pulled out the game they would be playing. Fury gave it a bit of a confused look as he read the title and tagline.
"Cards Against Equestria, a party game for horrible ponies. Sounds interesting." He spoke, looking over the pink box.
"Didn't we already play this game back in Canterlot a couple of weeks ago?" Twilight inquired.
"That is mostly true. Starlight got a different version of that game from Sunset Shimmer through the mirror portal and passed it on to us to play. This is the Equestrian version. I decided to make it official to give the party game genre a bit of a boost." Celestia explained, pointing out a holographic representation of the game Starlight had acquired with her horn.
"Oh, I've heard of this! This game is basically about who has the most fucked up humor. I'll read the rules to give everyone a refresher." Fury suggested. Cadence opened the box and set up the game, handing the instructions over to the feline ambassador.
As Fury read the rules, Cadence followed along, dealing out the cards and electing the Czar, since she was the youngest, Cadence chose Twilight and Flash to be the first team to be the Czar, followed by her and Shining Armor, Luna and Fury, Celestia, and Discord.
"Okay, now that we're all refreshed on the rules, let's get started! Twilight, if you would…" Twilight gave a nod and picked up the first black card of the game. Twilight's eyes bulged out of her head as she saw the card of choice.
"Well c'mon, Twi, read it." Shining implored her and her boyfriend. Twilight and Flash Sentry looked at eachother and gave a 'eh' before reading out the black card.
"What is the reason I lost my virginity?" Twilight spoke. The other teams had different reactions to the question. Celestia and Discord snickered under their breath, Cadence and Shining Armor giggled lightly and Night Fury and Luna both looked at the card Czar with shocked expressions. Night Fury was the first to speak up.
"Wow, if that's how this game is going, then I'm going to enjoy this." He said as he put his card facedown, waiting for the others to make their decisions. The solar goddess then set her card down for her team, the Crystal rulers doing the same soon after. With a quick shuffle of the cards, Twilight began to read out the cards from each team.
"Okay, here we go. What is the reason I lost my virginity?" Twilight recited, flipping over the first card and snickering. "A bottle of cream flavored Jack Daniels." She read aloud, snickering as she turned the next card over. "Going ten rounds with Jose Cuervo." Then came the last card. "Tax returns."
"That last one was a bit dull." Luna spoke.
"Ya damn right about that, babe." Fury added. Twilight sat for a moment, discussing the cards before them as they chose a winner.
"Cream flavored Jack Daniels wins." Flash called out, getting a reaction out of Fury.
"Hell yeah, the first points of the game go to us!" He cheered.
Luna giggled as she tallied up their point on a big white board, their team names written on it. Chaotic Sun, Moon Beam, Crystal Couple, and Shooting Star.
“I believe that makes you two the card Czars now," Twilight said as she passed the cards to Cadence and her brother. They picked up the first card and Cadence read it out. "Let me just say this, sex is way better once you add blank."
"I wouldn't think I would need to, considering the fact that I'm dominant in the relationship." Fury hinted with a smirk. Luna smiled sweetly as she levitated him onto her lap and hugged him.
"Are you sure, I am bigger than you." She quoted, placing her head on top of his.
"Awww, you two are so cute!" Celestia cooed, placing her team's card down.
"Celestia's right, you two do not give off the 'Dominatrix' type of relationship." Twilight said, handing Flash Sentry their set of cards and letting him choose. Fury blushed at the teasing, he just wanted to feel better about himself.
"Okay fine, I was lying." He admitted, placing his team's card face down. "If I'm being honest, our relationship is more of the 'gentle giant/chaotic gremlin' type." He chuckled. Cadence smirked as she turned over the first card and immediately broke down laughing.
"What? What is it?" Flash questioned. Cadence soon regained some of her composure as she read it out. "Let me just say this, sex is way better once you add yelling giggitygiggity goo as you pound your shaft in the dark."
As Cadence read the cards out, everyone around the table burst into hysterical laughter. Such a random answer but a glorious one at that.
"Oh my goddess, I can only imagine what that would sound like!" Night Fury wheezed with his girlfriend.
"That has to be the most random thing I've ever heard in my life. I must try this game in my own time!" Discord chuckled. Twilight and Flash Sentry just sat there giggling wildly as Cadence moved on to the next card.
Turning it over, Cadence gave a slight chuckle as she read the card and the answer. “Let me just say this, sex is way better once you add pegging."
"That's basically the same thing, isn't it?" Celestia inquired.
"Basically, but pegging is more for newly acclaimed couples or strippers." Fury explained, cracking open a glass bottle of cider. Twilight showed a shocked expression as the explanation hit her mind.
"Wait, so does that mean that when Flash and I… did it, we were technically…"
"Ding ding ding, we have a winner!" Discord called, glowing arrows forming above Twilight's head. Luna chuckled as her sister's lover used his chaos magic.
"You know, I think you and Night Fury would be good friends, Discord." She said
"Puh, what does whiskers got that I would be interested in?"
"Observe." Fury stood up and ignited his powers. With a quick jump he used his transformation to quickly switch between a cow, sheep, dog, chicken and snake. Making their respective noises as he transformed back into his original form, he looked towards the chaos god with a smirk.
Discord smiled. “Impressive, but that’s just a regular Tuesday for me, and actually, pegging is when someone uses a strap on and plows you in the ass," Discord added.
"Still, I mostly see strippers and new couples do that. More lesbian couples than straight ones, but I digress." Fury stated, taking his seat. Cadence then went to the third and final card.
"Let me say this, sex is way better once you add licking your girlfriend's teats."
"Traditional and kinky." Celestia said casually, getting a confused look out of Twilight.
"Kinky I get, but how is licking your girlfriend's teats, in any way, traditional?" She asked.
Celestia smiled as she looked at Discord, “Oh, It might just be me," she says as she sips from her cider bottle. The Lord of chaos' eyes widened at his lover's seductive remark.
"Got something on your mind, D man?" Flash prodded, smirking. Discord regained his composure and sat up straight.
"Of course not, I would never have such filthy things running through my head." He defended, snakes and party streamers running out of his ears.
"Well, since this card got the biggest reaction, jerking off in the middle of the night wins." Cadence declared.
"Ha, that's one for us, Twi!" Flash called out.
"Cheers bro, I'll drink to that!" Fury called. The other men (and draconequus) raised their cider bottles, clinked them together and took a hardy chug.
“Ok, Fury and I are the card Czars now, so let us see," Luna said as she pulled out a topic card, and blushed as she read it, “Oh, this shall do," she says as she puts the card down for all to read.
“My favorite thing during sex is when my lover blank." Twilight read the card as she blushed, thinking back to how Flash is in bed, knowing her brother would probably kill him if he knew. Cadence and Fury, on the other hand, smirked at the question. Celestia and Discord just looked at Luna blankly, having not had any escapades in bed as of yet.
"Well… that is very… Forward." Twilight said meekly.
"I wouldn't call it 'being forward', more so taking it to a new level. Eh Cadence?" Fury smirked at Twilight's sheepish look.
"I could say the same." Cadence replied, tossing a wing around her husband's back. Celestia stayed stunned for a few more seconds before speaking.
"That is a very creative way of saying it, Night Fury. Perhaps you are speaking from experience?"
"Oh hell no! Me and Luna aren't that far along on the romance river. And besides, she has yet to show me how devious she is in bed."
"Hey, romance is a hard thing to get used to. It took me and Shiny months before we decided to have Flurry Heart." Cadence said, placing a card in front of the current card Czars.
"Wait, I almost forgot about Flurry. How is the little snowflake?" Flash asked, placing his card.
"Heh, not so little now ever since Twilight became Equestria's new ruler. I wish I could say it's easy taking care of a teenager now, but boy is it not!" Shining sighed with a slight chuckle.
"Sheesh, has it really been that long since Luna and I retired? It feels like we just announced it yesterday!" Celestia said, surprised that so much time has passed.
"Yep, she's already going through her 'boy craze' phase. I've been helping her out with the heavier stuff like rejection, break ups and how to approach one. But she seems to already be taking things into her own hooves." Cadence remarked.
"Well, good for her. I'm glad she's getting closer to becoming independent," Celestia quipped, placing her card on the table.
"And getting laid." Night Fury chimed in, laughing as he took a swig of his cider and tossed away the empty bottle. "Anyway, we have our cards. Luna, if you would…"
"Of course." Luna gave the three cards a quick shuffle before reading the first one. "My favorite thing during sex is when my lover licks my strawberry milk filled teats."
"Hmm, I always wondered why Flurry was so full of energy as a baby. Now I know why!" Fury chuckled, shooting an amused glance at Cadence.
Turning over the next card Luna read again. "My favorite thing during sex is when my lover licks my pussy like a jelly-filled donut." As Luna finished reading, the other teams lost it. Hysterical laughter filled the room as the cards were taken in.
"Oh wow, now that is a good time!" Cadence giggled.
"You can bet that, lovebird!" Fury replied through his wheezing fit. "Isn't there actually something called a 'Jelly doughnut' when having sex?"
Celestia then recovered from her own hysterics to answer the feline's inquiry. "Yes, there is. But I will refrain from the explanation so as to not give my former student an aneurysm!" She laughed.
Twilight was blushing bright red, covering her face with her wing at how vulgar the card was. She wasn't exactly the type of pony to play a game that went fast and loose with these types of jokes.
Luna then turned the third card over “My favorite thing during sex is when my lover calls me mommy.” Luna read aloud causing Discord to blush this time. Night Fury took notice of this and decided to prod at him.
"What's got you looking like a strawberry, Discord? This answer speaking from experience?" He teased, arching an eyebrow. Discord didn't speak as to not give himself away, Celestia stepping in for him.
"My little Dissy… may have called me mommy once or twice when we first got together." She spoke, hugging the chaos god close to her. At that moment, all of the other guys broke out into laughter while the ladies started giggling.
"Wow, I can't believe it! The Lord Of Chaos, the one who can not be outsmarted, has fallen to the most powerful thing in life. Subduction via a horny girl!" Shining Armor said, his head in his forelegs.
"Oh shut up, it's not like I'm the only one who does it!" Discord defended. The entire room went silent at the statement, causing the princess of the day to start questioning said statement.
"Excuse me, what?"
"Yeah, what Discord's saying is kinda true." Fury explained. "Its been going on for years. Ponies all over have been referring to you as 'Momlestia', and for two reasons. One more scandalous than the other. One, you have the attitude and caring grace that could only come from a loving mother…"
This put a smile on Celestia's face, but it would soon fade with the second reason.
"And two, some ponies have been using you as the pure representation of what their dream MILF would look like." Fury continued,
“It’s true sister, I have seen dreams where you act as a dominatrix. It is no secret that you have been seen as a dream romance partner, literally.” Luna said, adding to Fury’s answer. Even though this new piece of news was very shocking to her, Celestia kept her cool.
"Well, there's no use in trying to complain about it now, I have nothing to hide. I do sometimes see myself as one hot piece of ass, and I have no regrets. And besides, I'm sure there are plenty of dreams where you all have been in such a situation?"
"Actually no," Luna corrected. "The ratio of dreams about you and dreams about anyone else here is very unbalanced. You are a very popular pony to most. But as of late, I've seen more and more dreams about my little Lightning Bug as the dominant one." She then gestured to Night Fury.
"It's true. A couple of months ago, Luna decided to use a linking spell to allow me to come with her to the dream realm. And after a few visits to ponies dreams… yyeeeah, apparently, some mares are having dreams about me getting down and dirty with them. They apparently call me 'The Tamer', with how many dreams I've seen personally of mares wishing I treated them like pets. With me calling them 'good girl' and me giving them treats, the whole sort!"
“Hmmm, that does sound kinky, but back to the cards, which one has the Czar chosen to give the point to?” Celestia asked.
"Considering how much of a riot sparked with this one, The Pussy Doughnut wins."
"Aha! That's a point for us, Tia." Discord said, giving her a kiss. Celestia blushed at the gesture as she pulled the next black card from the deck.
"Hm, this one's a little more tame. On my first date, I accidentally embarrassed myself by blank."
The other teams looked at their cards, debating on which one to put down. Soon, three cards were put in front of the card Czars. A quick shuffle later, and the first card was pulled.
"On my first date, I accidentally embarrassed myself by letting loose what could only be known as a tear gas bomb of a fart." The other teams then began snickering at the immature card.
"Is that how Cadence was when you showed her your special recipe for your chili, Night Fury?" Shining asked, getting a snarl from his wife.
"Hehe, yep! As soon as she tried it, there was a deep rumble from her stomach. And before I knew it, she was running for the nearest bathroom with a makeshift rocket booster blasting out of her ass!" Fury laughed.
Celestia flipped over the next card and read, “On my first date, I accidentally embarrassed myself by getting caught burping the worm.”
"Dafuq? Burping the worm? What is this guy keeping a baby Tatzelwurm for a pet?" Fury asked, completely confused.
"I think that's just a confusing one, I don't get it." Cadence added on. Celestia nodded in agreement as she pulled the final card for the round.
“Oh, that is just a euphemism for,” Discord chimed as he leaned over to Celestia and whispered in her ear, “masturbation.” Discord said.
"You do know I heard that right?" Fury said bluntly. Discord was shocked.
"How did you…"
"My ears may look shrimpy, but they can hear a hooker getting gangbanged from five miles out." Everyone around the table was shocked and slightly disturbed.
"How… how do you know what that sounds like?" Twilight asked, a little bit concerned about how Fury knew.
"As much as having hearing like mine is a blessing, it can also be one helluva curse. You ever been to the south side of Las Pegasus on New Years at The Ringmaster's Hotel and Casino?"
“Ah, say no more my feline friend,” Discord said as he flipped over the last card.
“On my first date, I accidentally embarrassed myself, by calling my date my ex's name at the end of it.” At that moment, everyone else pulled in an exaggerated breath through their teeth. They all agreed on the fact that doing that is not a good thing.
"Gaht Dayum! Talk about a death sentence, ain't nopony bringin' that back from the brink!" Fury said, a disturbed look in his face.
"Ya damn right about that one, I can't imagine what kind of Pandora's box would open if you called your date by your ex's name! Sheesh!" Flash agreed, cracking open another cider.
“Hmmm, well these are all good, though the last one isn’t a death sentence for all,” Celestia said as she shot Discord a sideways glance. “But I have to give the point to tear bomb fart,” Celestia said. Shining Armor pumped his hoof in the air in victory before speaking.
"In that case, that puts all of us at a four way tie. On to round two! But first, how about a snack break?" The other players nodded to the idea as they brought out the array of snacks prepared and fueled up for the next round.
Author's Note
Chaotic Sun: 1
Crystal Couple: 1
Moon Beam: 1
Shooting Star: 1
All of our teams are tied, what a surprise! But we still have nine rounds left! Who's gonna take the win, let's see!
“Ok, Twilight, you and Flash are the card Czars again.” Luna said as she gave Twilight the cards.
After dealing out the responses, Twilight pulled out the starter and read out loud. “If I ever have a free cheat pass, I’ll use it for blank.” Twilight read as she blushed.
“Well I'll be damned, I never thought of that.” Fury said, earning a dangerous glare from Luna. “Not that I would actually want to use such a thing, I love you more than anything.” He defended, giving her a kiss.
“Okay, you've saved yourself from my wrath. For now…" She warned, placing a response in Twilight's direction.
“I wouldn't need to use it either. If anything, it should be more of a ‘Free threesome’ card if I were to put it to use." Shining said, giving his team's response.
Cadence glared at her husband with a mix of anger, intrigue, and playfulness. “Oh, and who might join us? perhaps that bug queen, i heard she has full control of her body,” she asked.
“Chrysalis? Maybe, maybe not. And besides, isn't she technically my second wife? She did get the ring put on her before you and Twilight showed up.” Cadence was shocked at hearing this and shot a glare at her eldest aunt for letting it slide. But strangely, she wasn't perturbed.
“Oh calm down, Cadence, we've all had that feeling that we just can't get enough in the bedroom. And besides, didn't you have second thoughts about having Chrysalis as a second wife to Shining Armor? You seemed pretty intrigued." Celestia said, placing the final response on the table. Cadence was about to retort but realized that she was right. She did see Chrysalis as a second wife to Shining Armor, and somewhat of a good one at that. The changeling queen even had the heart to watch over Flurry when they were out sometimes.
“Chrysalis is a big help, on occasion,” Cadence said as she placed a response card down.
"I've actually made good friends with Crissy over the years." Night Fury said. "We made a mutual bond over our ability to transform. And her occasional romance tips have been helpful as of late." He explained, placing his card down.
"While I have my own grudges against Chrysalis, I can't deny that she's made a large improvement. I'd have to say she's somewhat of an antihero nowadays." Twilight said.
"Well at least you've learned how to deal with change. If this happened a few years ago you would have gone into a full panic state." Discord snickered, placing the final card.
"No I wouldn't!" Twilight denied, her voice cracking a bit as she blushed
"Twilight, please. Back then, you were so uptight about things going a certain way, you had a good damn panic attack when you couldn't schedule a prank that Rainbow Dash was putting you up to." Fury said bluntly.
“Not to mention that self-imposed deadline you put on yourself for writing letters to me,” Celestia said as she took a sip of her cider. At this point, Twilight was silent with a furious blush in her face. She didn't want to admit she got stressed over the most mundane things in her youth, but it was true. To get her mind off of it all, she read out the first card.
"If I ever had a free cheat pass, I would use it for sticking my dick in a pizza and giving a new meaning to a stuffed crust."
Celestia spit out her cider in a fit of laughter, the card making the others laugh just as hard.
"Now that is what I call a 'Hot Topping'!" Fury laughed, his head on the table.
"If I were to see that happen, I would probably ask to be next." Cadence said slyly.
"Of course you fucking would, you have the sex drive of a thousand hookers!" Flash Sentry shot out.
"And I don't have any regrets about it! And besides, I know someone who likes it." She cooed, kissing Shining Armor. The laughing soon died down and Twilight pulled the next card.
“If I ever had a free cheat pass, I would use it for making love to a hot apple pie.” Twilight read.
"I'm pretty sure that's just Applejack on a Friday night." Fury chuckled. "She has to be that way with it, if she hasn't already let her lesbian fly and given that marshmallow a creamy filling."
"Of Fury, how scandalous! But in all seriousness, has she admitted it yet?" Cadence asked.
"Actually yes, she has made her move and she has been dating Rarity for quite some time. And just to be clear, she does not have sex with apple pies. Although, some ponies with more… sexual thoughts started to make theories that she 'Gave the pies their delicious filling'."
Twilight then flipped over the last card to see what is said, “If I ever had a free cheat pass, I would use it for letting Tirek bang my brains out in his muscular form.”
"How would that even work? Can Tirek even have sex with how big he is?" Cadence asked.
"Maybe. He can change his size at will, but he must have at least a few metric shit tons of magic to do it." Celestia said.
"Eh, he's just not me then. I can easily change my size to fit the bill, if you catch my drift." Fury said smoothly.
Luna blushed as he said that, turning bright red.
"All sex jokes aside, the hot apple pie wins." Twilight announced.
"Huzzah, another point to us!" Luna called, immediately bouncing back from her embarrassment.
"Yeah, let's go!" Fury chuckled.
"Nice job you two. Cadence, I believe you and Shining Armor are next?"
“That we are,” Cadence said as she shuffled the cards, wanting to really randomize the situation. Flipping over the black card, she read out the scenario. “My favorite way to punish my child when they act out is blank.”
"Yeesh, that's a bit of a touchy subject. I know that this is about who's got the most fucked up humor, but that is just… wow." Flash Sentry said, wincing at the question.
"Speaking from experience?" Fury asked, Flash shook his head.
"Not in the way you're thinking, my parents were pretty good. But let me tell you, I've seen a ton of fucked up punishment in public from parents. One time, I saw this kid who was getting a little too touchy with the merchandise in one of the Crystal Empire's markets. You know what his mom did? She reached into her purse, put a collar on her son and held him on a dog leash!"
“Damn, I may be ok with a single spank, but that is just horrible,” Celestia said.
"That's just the least harsh. You ever seen a war veteran dad put a set of stocks in his backyard just in case his daughter ever got a boyfriend?" Flash added placing a card down.
"Sweet mercy!" Cadence called out. "That is going totally overboard! Who does that to their daughter?!"
"Who said it would be just for her?" The room instantly fell silent, such a terrible use of brute force and unusual restrictions rattling their brains.
"Okay, how about we move on from the depressing parental nonsense and try and get this over with?" Luna put in, placing an answer card with her sister following suit shortly after. Cadence took the cards and quickly shuffled them before reading out the first one.
"My favorite way to punish my child when they act out is putting them on a seesaw, dropping an anvil, and watching as they become a glorified cannonball." The group started to snicker at the answer.
"Talk about letting your problems fly away." Fury chuckled.
"I suppose that's good. But in my book, that is amateur hour." Discord added, snapping his claws and bringing up a logbook. "Ah, nevermind, that's just my 3 o'clock."
"Of course it is." Twilight moaned. Cadence gave her sister-in-law a cheeky glance before moving onto the next card.
"My favorite way to punish my child when they act out is by ripping their cock off of them by force." Cadence winced at the answer while everyone else looked shocked. "That's just cruel, who would do that to their son? Mares have needs, y'know?"
"And stallions. Can't forget the gay population out there that likes getting anally railed on a Thursday afternoon." Fury chuckled, taking a bite off of a fish-kabob.
"That is true, my feline friend." Celestia spoke, "Some stallions do have the certain… 'affinity' for getting pumped full of nature's cream filling." At that moment, Twilight groaned in disgust. Cadence, Celestia and Fury all looked in her direction with sly smiles.
"Wow Twilight, you still haven't truly let yourself go, have you?" Cadence teased.
"N-no, not really." Twilight admitted.
"Huh, well at least she's honest about it." Night Fury acknowledged, turning to her mate. "So, you still haven't given her the goods?"
"Oh I have, kitty cat." Flash said. "I just haven't taken it to a point where she's full yet."
"Flash!" Twilight yelped, her face a bright red as her wings popped out from her sides.
"Oh relax, my little bookworm, it's just a joke." He reassured her, leaning in. "And besides, I know you're not one of these sex maniacs. I know how to treat ya." He whispered, getting a sheepish grin from the purple alicorn.
"Eh, I'm willing to admit that sex is a bit of a big thing for me and the moonbutt." Fury shrugged.
"Moonbutt? Really, Lightning Bug?" Luna said bluntly, calling him by his pet name.
"Hey, don't put this on me when basically everypony has been calling you and your sister those names after you retired. It's basically become a common occurrence." The black cat remarked. "And besides, it's your sister's fault for being super horny and showing off her ass to the public because she was trying to get her needs met."
Luna looked at her elder sister with a sharp glare, the targeted sun goddess letting out an embarrassed chuckle with a blush to boot.
"W-well, I was having a hard time accepting my age at that point. And around the time that we were about to leave the royal life behind us, I decided on a whim to try and reel in somepony to… cover my bases." Celestia explained.
"Though we sympathize with thou's problems, we do not have the same feeling for thine exposing her assets to our subjects." Luna growled, casually slipping into Old Ponish and The Royal We.
Cadence giggled at the siblings in verbal combat before bringing up the last card. "My favorite way to punish my child when they act out is by giving them a surprise visit from The Tickle Monster."
"Well that's the first wholesome answer we've got so far." Shining Armor said.
“Remember how we used to do that to Flurry,” Cadence asked, smiling brightly and warmly. "She would giggle and squeak so cutely when she was a baby, it was so adorable."
"Pfft, wow. Can't imagine what that was like." Fury scoffed. Cadence arched an eyebrow.
"Got a problem?" She practically spat out.
"Nah, it's just the fact that I've never been tickled before. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ticklish or not." Fury said. The room fell silent, all of the girls growing devious smiles as they looked in his direction.
"What?" Fury asked, unaware of what they were planning. Luna looked down on him, “I think we all want to test that.”
Luna then levitated him out of his chair and onto a nearby couch in the room. The four princesses gathered around him, Cadence and Luna at his side, Celestia standing near his back paws, and Twilight looming over his head.
"I have a feeling that this is going to be exciting." Twilight spoke, plucking a feather from one of her wings. "I'll go first."
Twilight then proceeded to work around Fury's neck, grazing the feather against his fur. Fury jerked a little at the sensation and moved his neck around, though he did not laugh.
"Hmmm, allow me." Celestia said, moving in on his back paws. She grazed a wing against them, letting the weight fall into the toe pads. Fury bit his lip and his mouth began to twitch, his toes wiggling as the funny feeling ran up his spine.
"Nothing still? Well, I guess there's only one spot left." Cadence giggled, nodding to her nocturnal aunt.
“We agree, his sides it is,” Luna said as she started using her wings to tickle Fury’s right side. As soon as she made contact, he burst out laughing.
"Bahahahahaha! Quit Ihihihit, that's not fair!"
"But in what way, I don't see any unfair advantage being used." Luna said. Cadence moved more upwards of his side and began attacking his belly.
"Awww, your laugh is so cute!" Cadence giggled, tickling his underside.
“I have to agree, your laugh is indeed enjoyable,” Luna said as she continued to tickle her lover. Fury squealed and squeaked like a hog, completely defenseless. He then decided that he had enough, igniting his aura and sending out an electric charge that forced all four of them back.
"Y-you four… are the worst. Especially you, Cadence. You cheeky little girl." He snarled, righting himself on all fours.
"You have no right to say I'm cheeky with the jokes you tell about me and my husband." Cadence shot back. Fury just gave her a confused look.
"You thought those jokes came from me? Nah, Flurry told me those." Fury said bluntly, taking his seat back. Cadence then gave a stern look of seething anger, she had no idea that such crude jokes about her and her husband came from her own daughter. But her expression soon softened, she realized that she really couldn't blame her for it. With how ridiculous certain scuffles and disagreements got between her and Shining Armor, she wasn't surprised that they gave their daughter some source material.
“Now then, let’s see, I have to give the point to the tickle monster. It was wholesome and gave us an opportunity to try something.” Cadence said as she made Luna and Fury the next Czars, another point being appointed to them. Luna pulled a new card and read it aloud.
"As much as I love to go for a morning run, one thing that makes it hard to enjoy is blank." The other teams soon placed their cards in front of her and let her pull the first one.
"As much as I love to go for a morning run, one thing that makes it hard to enjoy is my neighbors constantly sneaking looks at my beautiful fat ass."
“Who can blame them, you do have a beautiful ass, Luna.” Fury said as he leaned back into her. Luna then gave a seductive smirk and got to eye level with Fury.
"Is that so? Well, that would explain why you see me, as they call it, 'Caked up'?"
"Oh yeah, I definitely see you that way." Fury replied, lowering his voice to a more seductive tone. "And besides, I know you love it when I give you a bit of a smack across the ass. And when you hear me talk to you like this afterwards, your brain function shuts down. And you fall for me just that little bit more, because you… are… mine." At that point, Luna's fur stood on end as she bit her lip, a wave of pleasure riding up her spine.
"Excuse us for a moment, I wish to speak with Fury for a moment." She said, quickly standing up and grabbing him by his tail, dragging him out of the room and shutting the door behind them.
“Oh my,” Celestia exclaimed as she watched them exit the room, blushing bright red.
"Well, looks like Mr. Nine Lives just got himself a tenth one. And one hell of a life that's gonna be." Shining exclaimed.
"I think we'll be fine, Luna would be sensible enough to use a noise canceling spell if she had to." Twilight put in. Cadence giggled and gave her a sly smile.
"Wow, Twilight, it seems that throughout the years you've loosened up a bit. Talking about sex without cringing, that's new." She pointed out.
"Eh, I might as well let myself go. I'm doing it now too, so no need to keep myself huddled up anymore." Twilight replied.
"How long do you guys think they'll be gone? I'm taking bets, 20 bits says 1 hour." Flash offered, immediately getting the attention of the group.
"40 bits says 3 hours, I have a feeling Fury gonna do her some justice." Shining smirked, placing 40 bits in the former guard's direction. The princesses and the chaos god also put their bets in, ranging from 50 bits to 100. As the bets rang in, they all waited for the nightly couple to return, hoping that their bet would be the jackpot.
–
3.5 Hours later…
Luna and Fury come back, with a satisfied Luna panting a bit and glowing like a beam from ear to ear as they return to their seats. Fury was more stable than her, a smug smile on his face as he rang it in.
“So, what did we miss?” Fury asked as he laid in Luna’s lap.
"Yes! 3.5 hours, I knew it! Cough it up, bitches." Cadence laughed, the other teams giving in their previous bets.
"Wait, you guys were taking bets on how long I'd last?" Fury asked.
"Yep, and it seems you've done a good job. Isn't that right sister?" Celestia asked, but Fury answered for her.
"I don't think my little Moonpie here is going to be talking for this round. I just turned her into a cream pie after all." He boasted, gesturing to the spaced-out blue alicorn with messy fur and ruffled feathers.
“Fair enough, I remember the first time I sucked off Discord, I couldn’t speak for a month,” Celestia said.
"Hoo, nice one D man." Fury chuckled.
"I take pride in showing others a good time. Now, back to the cards?"
"Of course, I'll have to step in for Ms. Starry eyed over here." Fury said, picking up the second card. "As much as I love to go for a morning run, one thing that makes it hard to enjoy is constantly sucking in my gut to keep others from poking at my pudge."
“Hmmm that is a good one,” Celestia chimed as she took a sip from her bottle.
"Eh, I never have to deal with that. I work out on a constant basis." Night Fury said, flexing a bit.
"At least that would be the case if you weren't such a foodie and didn't have a major sweet tooth." Cadence teased.
"Oh come on, I'm not that much of a foodie. And I don't have a sweet tooth." He defended.
"Tell that to Pinkie Pie when you got three dozen of her Super Sweetie Sweet Tooth Cupcakes after just licking the frosting." Twilight added. Fury covered his eyes with his ears and practically curled up.
“And let’s not forget how you practically go on a tangent if a dish has too much of a single spice,” Cadence chimed as she looked at Fury. At this point, Fury's face was as red as Big Macintosh's natural complexion. His fur looked as if it were on fire, and nothing could put it out.
"Okay, you two. Let's give him a rest before he goes redder than the inside of a volcano." Celestia chuckled. Fury lifted one ear to look at her and mouthed a 'Thank you' in silence. She gave him a nod as she resisted the urge to giggle at his reddened cheeks. By that time, Luna had finally gotten herself under control from her pleasure trance and looked at her lover with a smile.
"Awww, you embarrassed my little lap kitty?" She said, kissing him on the forehead.
"Ha, Fury's a little lap kitty." Flash shot out.
"You have three seconds to shut your trap before I make Twilight single." Fury snarled.
Flash rolled his eyes, knowing that the worst he’d do would put him in a cast as he took a drink of cider. “So, what’s the next card?” he asked. Luna then decided to take the reins and read off the last card.
"As much as I love to go for a morning run, the one thing that makes it hard to enjoy is the constant worry of Princess Molestia showing up."
Celestia blushed at the mention of that name. “Oh my, Is that another fantasy some ponies have about me?” Celestia asked as she put a hoof to her mouth.
"Yep, basically just another sex name that other ponies have about you. That name is more used as a dominatrix name for you, but others have more… frightening theories." Luna spoke.
"Oh my, well I guess I do have a few fans out there still. And I won't complain, I like having eyes on me."
"So does the feline." Shining Armor said. "He's had a few mares from the Crystal Empire giving passes. They think he's pretty hot."
“I can see why,” Luna said as she looked down to her lover, smiling brightly.
"You know it, Moonpie. So, which one wins?" Fury asked. Luna tapped her chin as she shuffled the card in her magic, inspecting them one by one.
"Getting attention from my fat ass wins!" Luna called out.
"Yes! That's how it goes!" Discord snickered.
“Oh, but sweetie, you don’t have a fat ass, if anything it’s quite firm and tight.” Celestia said as she stroked her wing across Dicord’s rear.
"Please save the sex drive for the private rooms, you two. We at least had the decency to step out when we got antsy." Luna spoke up, passing the deck to her sister.
"Maybe I shall take up that advice, dear sister. Just maybe." Celestia said, grabbing the last card of the round. "If I had to make up a fake disease, I would call it blank."
“Ohhhhh, that’s a good one,” Twilight exclaimed as she put down a card.
“Wow, you put down that card faster than when Discord fucks Celestia.” Flash said, making a slight jab.
"At least I can last for longer than 10 minutes before I need an inhaler." Discord shot off. Shining Armor and Night Fury both let out a simultaneous "Ohhhh!" Before laughing.
"Damn, he just shut you up!" Fury laughed, placing his card.
"I have never heard such a monsterous comeback in my entire damn life! Ha, that was brilliant!" Shining Armor said, still letting out the occasional wheeze as he placed the final answer card.
Flash blushed as he accepted defeat, tipping his hat off to Discord. “Touche.” Flash said. Celestia silently recovered from her own giggle fit and brought up the cards for the round.
"If I had to make up a fake disease, I would call it Big Teats." Celestia read out.
"Now that's a disease I wouldn't mind having." Cadence jokes. "And I know you feel the same way, Auntie."
"While I don't have as much of a desire to enlarge my rack, I can see where you're coming from. If anything, I think the trunk is where I need the most attention." Celestia giggled, giving her flanks a bit of a wiggle.
"I wouldn't mind a bit of enhancement myself actually." Luna said. "I know that I would get some approval from the masses."
"You bet, Moonpie! And to be honest, that's not the only thing ponies like to enhance about themselves. Did you guys know that certain mare's have a thing for having big bellies?" Fury pointed out.
“I am quite aware,” Discord said as he stroked his beard as Celestia flipped over the next card. “If I had to make up a fake disease, I would call it Limp dick-itis."
The other teams immediately began snickering, Twilight and Luna a bit more on the reserved side.
"Ha ha! I know Spike would love that one!" Fury pointed out. Twilight took this a different way and got a little agitated.
"What are you exactly trying to say, fish breath?" She snarled, a trace amount of venom in her voice.
"Oh, would you relax, Sparklebutt? I'm talking about that douchebag Garble. You know how dragons have a competition for basically everything? Well apparently, the guys of the group have a dick size contest. And guess what? Spike went over to the Dragonlands for a visit and what'dya know, Garble grew up to have major shrinkage!" Fury laughed.
Twilight snickered a bit more. “I guess that’s karma biting Garble in the ass.”
"Ya damn right, sis! That tomato paste colored bitch boy had it coming! Poor Spike had to put up with him for so long! Speaking of Spike, how did he take the fact that Rarity was a lesbian?" Cadence asked.
"Actually, not too bad. He was a little butt hurt about his childhood crush not being into him, but he eventually accepted it. Plot twist, he actually hooked up with Fluttershy as a replacement." Twilight explained. Cadence and the others were surprised. Spike and Fluttershy, now that was an unexpected combo.
“Ok, let’s see what the last card is,” Celestia said as she flipped the card over. Celestia's eyes bulged at the answer and began laughing her ass off. After a few minutes, she got herself together and spoke the words on the card.
"If I could make up a fake disease, I would call it Giggly Gurgle Guts!" The rest of the party snickered as they let it sink in.
"What the hell kind of disease is that?! What is that, when your stomach starts giggling and gurgling at the same time?!" Flash chuckled.
"Who the fuck knows, all I know is that I would be laughing at whoever had that disease! Hey Luna, what do you think would happen if you had that disease?" Fury asked through fits of laughter.
“Hmmm, I really can’t say, probably some kinky shit.” she said as she looked down at Fury. "I can only imagine how it would sound if that disease was a thing."
"Well, let's be glad that it isn't for the time being. So, who wins this one, Auntie?" Cadence asked.
"Well, considering how ridiculous this one was, I'd say the Giggly Gurgle Guts wins." Celestia announced.
"Fuck yeah, another one for the Crystal Empire!" Shining Armor exclaimed, pumping a hoof in the air.
"Aw, damn it. Guess our luck wasn't so good this round, Twilight." Flash said.
"Eh, I'm okay with it. And besides, I need to use the little fillies room." Twilight said, getting up from her seat.
"I second that, this apple cider really hit me hard." Celestia said, rising with her former student.
As they went to the restroom, the rest of the players sat and waited. This round was a bit of a crazy one, lots of shenanigans taking place as the game progressed. But as this was only the second round, the other players knew that there were much more random and insane things to come in the insanity of a card game.
Author's Note
Chaotic Sun: 2
Crystal Couple: 2
Moon Beam: 3
Shooting Star: 1
Things are starting to ramp up! Who's gonna come out on top? Who's gonna suffer defeat? Who's gonna make the most sex jokes?! (That is a rather random statistic to keep track of, but I digress). Let's see what happens in round three!
Note: Sorry for the late release, had a couple of things backing me up such as Writer's Block, managing my other stories and real life. But I hope you all enjoyed regardless of release time!
