Hoax-Ed!

Chapter IV – Homicidal

        Meanwhile, Twilight began losing her confidence as nothing seemed to bring Rarity round; and she had to think of something quick, as one could almost feel the atmosphere thickening from the sheer tension between the Eds. She also began having second thoughts about the whole “Ed” affair. Finally, she came across an idea.-If this doesn’t work, I’ll just have to drag her home. – Twilight said to herself – Oh, Rarity! – she said aloud – Not that I’d like to bother you, but it seems like the Eds took advantage of your unconsciousness and are now heading toward your boutique, in unambiguous intentions to rob it of its valuables. It’s nothing important, really, but I guessed you’d like to know. – she finished and looked at Rarity with expectation        It wasn’t long, before the unconscious mare began twitching. Her frightened expression looked as if she was having a nightmare. She began flailing her hooves, faster and faster, when suddenly, she woke up and jumped high in the air, shrieking loudly.-Shock therapy, crude yet effective. – Twilight said to herself, smiling broadly – Good to see you all right, Rarity. Come with me, let’s get you out of this freak show. – she said aloud        Unfortunately, Rarity was a little more overreacting than Twilight expected.-Are you crazy? There’s no time! – she cried – I have to run!        Despite Twilight trying to stop her, Rarity began galloping in a random direction with her eyes closed, squealing frightfully.-No, Rarity! Not there! – shouted Twilight – Not again…        Rarity’s unfortunate choice of directions led her straight to Edd’s stand. And so, much to her horror, she bumped right into the unfulfilled shopkeeper.-Good evening, may I help you? – he said with a glimpse of hope        Seeing Rarity get all wobbly again, Twilight decided to act.-No, you may not! – she exclaimed, pulling Rarity away from Edd’s stand-Just a minute there, Twilight! – Edd said with exasperation – While I’m aware that you strongly disapprove of my behavior, I don’t think you are authorized to deprive me of my customers. – he completed and started following her-‘Course you are, whatsyourname! Don’t listen to him! – shouted Eddy – And while you’re at it, you can bring your faint-looking friend here to my stand, can’t ya? – he said with a sly smile – I’m sure she could use a visit at…-No, she couldn’t! – Twilight replied angrily and quickened her pace, seeing Eddy start following her as well-Is that so? We’ll see about that, now won’t we? – he said, getting annoyed-I object, she seems to look languid enough. – Edd replied bitterly to Eddy as they both approached Twilight and Rarity        Whether it was because of stress or frustration, they both seemed to have lost their reason completely, trying to reel Rarity into their scams, despite seeing her unstable condition; and this worried Twilight even more. She knew they wouldn’t be kind and peaceful after their solo scams fail epically, but this was beyond her imagination! Just when she thought she was home free as the boundary of the town square drew closer, a tall figure suddenly blocked her way.-Excuse me ma’am, is your name perhaps Nopony? – said the “figure”, who was none other than Ed-No, it’s not! – Twilight exclaimed impatiently – Now please let us through!        Seeing Eddy and Edd get closer, she tried jumping around Ed, but he always succeeded in getting in her way.-I know! So your friend is miss Nopony! – exclaimed Ed, as though it was already a confirmed fact        Twilight thought she could run between Edd and Eddy; and so she turned around, just to see they were already there. She tried to teleport her and Rarity away from there, but Ed held her down firmly.-No fancy sparkly tricks allowed, please! – he informed with a content smile-Good colt, Ed! – said Eddy – Now then, let’s find out whose customer will the mare be. – he completed menacingly-Don’t be so confident, for the path of reason shall prevail and she will elect my enterprise. – Edd replied bitterly-Rainbow Dash doesn’t know anything. – said Ed – I bet she got the name wrong. You’ll see that I’ll get my money now; sure as two plus two is… uh… I forgot!        Twilight and Rarity began losing hope as the Ed circle tightened around them. To their misfortune, nopony could see them, because, due to the Eds’ previous shenanigans, everypony was much too scared to enter the square; and so there was nopony left to help them out in this sticky situation.-Please do something, Twilight, I don’t think I’m insured for this! – squeaked Rarity-I’m thinking, I’m thinking! – Twilight whispered back        But before she could think of something, a small silhouette appeared on the other side of the square. Rarity was the first one to notice it.-Why look, Twilight! Is that our Spike running back there? – she said-That’s the oldest trick in the book, my dear. – Eddy replied mockingly – Now then, will you decide or do we just have to make up your mind for you, huh? – he finished impatiently        The figure was indeed Spike. He was running through the square chomping popcorn from yet another bucket.-Gee, those Eds sure are good. – he thought – I’ve never seen the square so empty!        At first he didn’t notice Twilight and Rarity encased in the Ed trap and ran around it looking for them.-Spike! We’re here! – Twilight shouted-Hel’oh, Waylayt! – Spike shouted in reply, with a mouthful of popcorn-Help us, quick! – Twilight continued – You have to distract…-No interferences, please! – Edd cut in angrily        Twilight shrugged and motioned to the Eds.-Oh, those guys? – Spike said to himself – No sweat, they’re easy enough!         Fortunately for him, none of the Eds noticed what he was saying; they were all too consumed with their own affairs. Spike swallowed the rest of the popcorn and, without haste, took apart the cardboard bucket and began cutting it with his claws into small rectangular pieces.-Now just what is he up to? – Rarity said with worry-Shush! – Ed silenced her-Quiet! – repeated Eddy-Ditto. – said Edd – Now then, I believe we gave you enough time to solidify your decision. – he continued threateningly – In which of… our… scams will you participate?        Twilight and Rarity looked at each other helplessly; but suddenly, Rarity hopped in place with an expression that said “I-DE-A!”. She gulped and spoke to the Eds, as airily as she could.-Now then, as much as I’d love to take part in all of your wonderful scams… – she winked at Twilight – I’m afraid my current change will allow me for only one go; and all of them are so lovely, that I just can’t seem to make up my mind. Could you please give me some advice? – she completed with a sweet smile        As the Eds started looking at each other with anger and determination, Twilight regained her cool and looked at Rarity with credit. Meanwhile, Spike, having already cut out quite a stack of paper rectangles, took out a green marker and started scribbling on them quickly.-Well, I, for one, hold on to the statement that my scam is the only reasonable one around here. – Edd began with his “advice”-That is, within a seven nanometer radius! – Eddy said tauntingly-What I’m trying to say is, that… - Edd tried to continue-What he’s trying to say may be something important, but let’s not strain our ears. – Eddy cut in mockingly        Edd still tried to say something, but Eddy continued:-Who needs his lame reason, when you’ve got what I’ve got! – he carried on – I offer a stay at Ponyville’s one and only holiday resort, here at Eddy Palace!-Made of the worst grade nothing; mine is way better! – Ed cut in-Shut up monobrow, I’m trying to run some advertising here. – replied Eddy angrily-I say instead of wasting time in Eddy’s void little playground, you can just give me your money for nothing, here and now. Pretty smart, huh? – Ed continued-Don’t you interfere in my advertising! – Eddy said with frustration-If I may object, interference is exactly what you’ve done a few seconds earlier, hypocrite. – Edd replied bitterly-You two are all boring! – exclaimed Ed        And so the Eds started staring at each other furiously again; not that Twilight and Rarity were listening to even a single one of their words. Their distraction was working pretty well; the Eds, afoul of their bickering, didn’t notice that Spike was already finished with his work. The cardboard rectangles were now all imitation banknotes.-Well, I hope they don’t accuse me of forgery. – Spike said to himself and shouted to the Eds – Hey, you guys! Look here!        The Eds all turned their heads at Spike, who was holding two fat stacks of “banknotes” in his hands and waving them tauntingly.-Look what I’ve got for you! – he yelled, backing off slowly-Cash! – Eddy shouted with glee and started galloping toward Spike-I can’t be worse. – said Edd and followed him-Gravy! – exclaimed Ed and ran as well        That was what the hostage Unicorns were both waiting for. The moment the Eds let down their guard, Twilight charged her magic and teleported them both away. Their ex-captors continued to race for Spike’s “money”. They charged forward recklessly, bumped and tripped each other, in short, did everything to make sure the money will be theirs. This and the fact Spike was backing off constantly lengthened the race quite a bit. Finally, Eddy jumped on Ed’s head, bounced off high into the air and landed straight before Spike.-I win! The cash is mine! Cough up the dough, squirt! – he started babbling frantically-No fair! I was first in another dimension! – shouted Ed-Here you go, for what I don’t know. – replied Spike and handed Eddy over his rightfully earned cardboard rectangles        At first Eddy was nearly ecstatic over his newly earned funds, but that was only until he noticed the obvious – he was tricked.-What the… Cardboard??? – he exclaimed furiously-Well, technically I never said they’re money… - Spike said contently        Before Eddy could give the dragon a huge piece of his mind about such cruel jokes, Spike suddenly disappeared from before their eyes in a purple flash. At first he didn’t know what was going on as well, but he soon realized that he was teleported by Twilight when he saw her and Rarity standing before him in a side alley.-Are you okay, Spike? – asked Twilight-Sure am… – he replied – And… I think I’ll be more okay once you buy me back that popcorn…-There’s no time for that. – said Twilight – Those Eds are getting more and more homicidal, and we need to do something about it quick before they destroy anything.-Why should we care? – asked Spike – Let’s just go home and watch it on TV.-Well, I must say that is kinda my fault. – Twilight said with worry – I should’ve stopped them before they could execute any of their crazy scams; but I never suspected they would go that far! I thought they would annoy everypony for a few minutes and then calm down, and meanwhile…-Don’t worry, darling. – said Rarity – You did your best; it’s them who’s unteachable. I saw quite clearly how they denied everything back at your house, and you hadn’t the authority to disallow them to make their scams, after all! Also, nopony would’ve guessed they would lose it so soon; that’s how unpredictable they are.-Wow, I sure wish I could say something that smart. – said Spike-Thanks, Rarity; you’re absolutely right. – Twilight cheered up a bit – However, we still have to think of something to do with the Eds, because they’re getting dangerous even if it’s not my fault.        And so they began thinking. It was already late evening, but there were still quite a lot of ponies around the square, curious about the Eds’ shenanigans. Nopony dared to actually enter the square, though. The Eds, however, seemed not to notice that at all, knee-deep in their own business.-They got away. – Eddy said slowly – My only, final, ultimate chance blew off with the wind. And guess why?-Is that a trick question? – asked Ed-D’oh! – Eddy screamed in reply – It’s because of you two idiots! Why do you always have to undercut me?!?-If I remember correct, you were the first one eager to let down your guard for a stack of measly cardboard rectangles disguised as your beloved money. – replied Edd angrily-Shut up! You don’t know squat about finances, sockhead! – shouted Eddy – As if you didn’t follow right after!-Well, I never… - said Edd, miffed by Eddy’s complaints-Of course you never! – Eddy replied furiously – But this doesn’t change the fact that we’re stranded here, with no time, no money and no way to get it! If only you two didn’t sneak around, I’d be rolling in bits by now!-I could’ve said the same, except in a more sophisticated way. – Edd said angrily-Me too, but better! – exclaimed Ed-You know what I think? – said Eddy slowly, with growing frustration – I’m beginning to think this town ain’t big enough for the three of us.-Yeah, especially with your huge head in the way! – Ed replied mockingly-That’s it! – Eddy roared furiously        He trotted through the square to Ed’s junk house.-Say, nice house you’ve got there… - he said angrily – Wouldn’t mind if I took myself a small souvenir?        Before Ed could answer, Eddy kicked the wall of the house as hard as he could and quickly grabbed a small cardboard box which fell out. Much to Ed’s horror, without the box, the whole wall started crumbling; and Eddy just stood there, with a content smile.-For the love of buttered toast, stop it, you monster! – cried Ed        Seeing that, everypony would probably run away, if not for the fact that Twilight Sparkle and Rarity had just finished setting up an invisible magical wall around the part of the square where Ed, Edd and Eddy were fighting.-Phew! That’s about it. – said Twilight as they were done – Now everypony is quite safe from those maniacs. Still, I don’t quite feel like watching this whole scuffle.-Me neither. – agreed Rarity – Let’s just go somewhere nice and calm down before they’re finished, shall we? Just look after them so they don’t do each other any harm, Spike.-So you’re leaving? Are you kidding? – exclaimed Spike – This is rich! Suit yourself, but I’m staying. Let me just grab some more popcorn, and…        Seeing Spike get up and walk towards the store again, Twilight conjured a pacifier and stuffed it into Spike’s mouth.-Please, no more popcorn today, really. – she said-Muff mfht mnthl mmh’v. – Spike mumbled in reply        As Twilight and Rarity went away, the Eds continued their argument; not that they noticed them or even their barrier at all. Once Eddy broke down a wall from the trash house, Ed, at first prostrate, quickly began getting angry.-How could you? My beautiful wall! My beautiful house! You’ll pay for it! – he shouted, approaching Eddy-Oh, I’m shaking already! Will I perhaps have to pay you for nothing? Mwahahahaha! – Eddy mocked in reply-I do concur, as what Eddy did was just return this poor garbage to its rightful original form. Didn’t you, Eddy? – said Edd-You betcha! Now then, may I take something from your scam, for keeps? What say? – Eddy replied threateningly as he walked toward Edd’s stand-You wouldn’t! – Edd suddenly lost his cool – You wouldn’t dare!-You think so? Let’s check! – laughed Eddy        He was just about to start taking apart one of Edd’s devices, when suddenly a cardboard box flew from behind and smashed right into his head, tripping him over.-Do you want your souvenirs so badly? Then take them! – Ed shouted, throwing another box        Anticipating that, Eddy ducked quickly and the box hit Edd.-Mwahahahaha! Smooth move, lumpy! – Eddy laughed maniacally-Is that so? – Edd said bitterly – Well then, what say if I took the initiative for a moment and took a gander at your scam for a change? – he finished, approaching the Eddy Palace-Good luck with that! I’m eager to find out just what are you planning to do. – mocked Eddy – Swing away until it’s gone? Yeah, right…        He would’ve carried on, if not for the fact that Ed had just launched yet another ballistic material at him.-This. Means. War. – said Eddy as he took the box off his head        At first Ed laughed at Eddy’s misfortune, but only until he saw him charging head first into his house. Anticipating the blow, Ed supported the wall from the other side; and so Eddy crashed into the house, only to make several boxes and planks from the top of the wall fall down and bury him underneath. Meanwhile, Edd inspected Eddy’s “palace”. He didn’t want to waste energy nor effort for a trial-and-error method of discovering Eddy’s scam’s weak point; he’d much rather deliver a single, piercing blow. Eddy’s scam did have one strong point – it already didn’t exist, therefore it was difficult to destroy. After a while, seeing Eddy’s head pop out of the rubble, Edd shouted:-Hello there, Eddy, I seem to have come upon a solution. For a start, what would your reaction be if I did this?        He swung his hoof at the border of the plan, from the inside.-Stop it! – Eddy exclaimed frightfully – What d’ya think you’re doing! You’re scratching the wallpaper!-Perfect… - Edd said to himself with a smug expression        And so he turned around and kicked into the air in another place.-Gah! – Eddy cried in horror – Now you’ve broken a valuable one-of-a-kind Canterlot china vase! Good thing I’ve got, like, twenty of those… Nevermind that! For this you’ll pay!        As Edd trotted all over the “palace” kicking and smashing the air, Eddy tried to burrow his way out of the rubble to reach him. However, seeing that, Ed exclaimed:-No, you don’t, not for the buttered toast of the word. This is our fight!        Having said that, Ed kicked the whole wall Eddy was behind so hard that it broke into pieces, which fell right on Eddy’s head, burying him even deeper.-Ed’s scam is at 50% health remaining! – shouted Spike in a deep voice        Edd took Eddy’s imposed silence as an acquiescence for further destruction; and so he said, intentionally loud:-My oh my, demolishing this palace sure is a tiring endeavor… If only I came upon an easier way to pulverize it, perhaps even all in one go…        Hearing Eddy’s muffled screams from under the rubble, Edd continued:-Oh, look! What is this that seems to reside in my pocket? An invisible stack of unreal dynamite? Heavens be praised, good thing I always carry a few of these around…        As Eddy’s screams got louder and louder, Ed sat on the pile of rubble saying:-Shush! I can’t hear the boom show!-Now let’s put some of them here, some there… - Edd carried on blissfully, prancing around the palace – Now let’s connect them with some pretty illusive wires… leave the area… put on some unseen protective glasses… press the tiny little button on the invisible detonator… and… KA-WHAM!!! – he screamed as loud as he could-It’s a one-hit-KO! – Spike yelled in his announcer voice        Edd bowed deeply as Ed applauded him. However, that’s when the pile of rubble started shaking. Both Ed and Edd looked at it insecurely as more and more materials started falling off, even though Ed was trying to hold them down.-Canterlot bridge is falling! – shouted Ed as the pile shook harder and harder        Finally, much to the remaining Eds’ horror, the pile exploded into a burst of cardboard boxes, planks and pieces of metal, each flying in another direction. Ed was blown high into the air; Edd was lucky enough to avoid any debris. Twilight and Rarity’s barrier, however, proved its usefulness, because if not for it, collateral damage to nearby buildings couldn’t have been avoided. When the smoke from the explosion cleared, its epicenter revealed to be none other than Eddy. He wheezed with fury and roared:-WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PALACE???        Although astonished at first, Edd quickly regained his cool and said with a content smile:-Impressive as it is, however, I believe that it is I who’s got the upper hoof. Your magnificent palace is nothing more than an invisible pile of rubble; and you know what else? – he continued – Now that I take a closer gander at things around here, everything points to the conclusion that I am victorious in this match; take a look around! My scam is the only one left untouched!-So am I victoresque too? – Ed said happily – My scam is also safe and happy! The gravy empire prevails!-I beg to differ. – Edd replied, pointing at Ed’s house, or what was left of it after the nearby explosion of Eddy’s junk tomb-Uh… Ed’s scam is out at 0% health! – shouted Spike, who also just noticed it – Gee, didn’t see that one coming, really…-Nice try, but not nice! – Ed said slyly – And how do you know this isn’t the original form of my house that I wanted it to look like? And besides, you can take away my house, but you can’t take away the pony who is going to give me money for nothing!-We’re cut out. – replied Edd – Nopony can come in.-A magnificent finishing blow by Edd! – yelled Spike-Excuse me, what are you doing? – asked Daisy, who was standing next to him-Can’t you see? I’m announcing the fight! – he said with annoyance-Well, if you say so… - replied Daisy-Nopony respects us announcers anymore… - grumbled Spike        Meanwhile, it seemed like Edd was indeed victorious, as his scam was indeed barely touched by the debris from the explosion. However, Ed and Eddy were still on their hooves, and they most certainly didn’t want to let go that easy.-Say, Ed, how about going there and smashing all those blasted doohickeys? – Eddy said angrily-No thanks, but I think I’ll just go there and smash all those blasted doohickeys. – replied Ed and started approaching Edd’s scam        As Ed got closer and closer to Edd’s devices with that destructive look on his muzzle, Edd started losing his cool.-Uh… Ed… - he muttered – I’ve won… you can’t… what are you doing…-We’re terribly sorry if we forgot to wreck your scam earlier. – said Eddy menacingly as they both went closer and closer – Must’ve been a terrible oversight at our part.-Knock-knock! – exclaimed Ed        And so Edd couldn’t do anything but stand and watch his scam get pulverized at a record-breaking speed. Slot machines, loudspeakers and toasters flew into the air as Ed and Eddy rampaged inside the thick cloud of smoke below.-Edd’s scam is down to 80% health! – shouted Spike – No, 60%! Wait, now it’s 40%! 20%! 1%! And it’s a KO at 0% health!        The cloud of smoke slowly thinned out, revealing Ed and Eddy with oh-so-content expressions on their muzzles.-Very well, happy now? – Edd said angrily – Because of your foul operation, this match will have no other choice than being called a draw!-Bwahahahaha, your scam was a cinch! – laughed Eddy – Wait, what? – he said, surprised – A draw? No way! So that means our argument isn’t settled at all?-And we made our super knock-knock technique for nothing? – Ed exclaimed with worry-Precisely what I was saying. – Edd replied bitterly        Looking at all that, Spike said to himself:-Phew! Glad that’s over. I’d better call Twilight and Rarity!        And so he quickly ran away to inform his friends about the draw. Little did he know that the fight wasn’t over yet. The Eds, dissatisfied with the result of the match, still stared at each other furiously.-You know what I’ll say? – Eddy said angrily – Let’s finish it. If our scams are really all that bad, why not use them for that one final blow, to find out which one’s truly the best. Deal?-Deal. – Ed and Edd confirmed simultaneously        With no Spike to stop the match, Ed, Edd and Eddy all pulled their scams together quickly. Ed chucked all his materials on the platform and prepared to push it. Edd grabbed the remaining devices and put them together into an improvised ram on wheels made of metal lampshades, running on a slot machine mechanism powered by leftover batteries. Eddy, having no physical impact potential, decided to jump into the crash and then wreck as much as he could. He snagged a big metal spring from Ed’s leftover building materials and stationed himself on it for some extra power from the launch. The whole crowd gasped with fear as the Eds began the countdown.-Five… Four… - they all shouted – Three… Two… ONE…