SAW-CLUE: A Dark Comedy

"Do you want to play a game?"

"Huh?" Twilight Sparkle was woken up by a weird voice; it was low-pitched and a little raspy. She looked around and saw that she was waking up in the middle of Ponyville. "Why am I here? Oh no! Was I raped again!?!?!"

"What? No!" replied the voice.

"That's a relief. Wait, who said that?"

"Me."

"Who?"

"Me!"

Twilight was beginning to get annoyed. "WHO!?"

"ME!?"

"Dammit! Where are you!?"

"Here."

"Where- Oh, never-mind!"

"Why are you so angry? I only asked if you wanted to play a game!"

"Don't play games with me, voice!"

"I'm using the stupid intercom system, you fool! Just shut up, and let's start over! Do you want to play a game?"

"Sure; what game?"

"Have you ever played Clue?"

"Huh? Clue? I can't say that I have."

"What!? You know, the popular board game where you go around a mansion and try to guess who killed somepony?"

"Nope; I've never even heard of it."

"I can't believe you." The voice sighed.

"Sorry."

"Well, getting on with the game, there's a dead pony in your house-"

"What!?"

"-and you have to try and figure out who killed her."

"Why is there a dead pony in my house!?"

"That's not important. What's important is the twist."

"What twist?"

"Every time you falsely accuse somepony, I kill a random pony."

"So if you want me to catch a murderer, why would you be killing ponies?"

"That's irrelevant to what your task is."

"This game sucks already. I'd rather play the quiet game with Fluttershy, even though I know I'd lose."

"Well that's too bad; you have no choice."

"Well, I might as well go find that dead pony." Twilight began heading to her house. She saw some random ponies talking with each other, and decided to ask them something rather important to the situation. "Did you ponies hear a weird voice coming from the intercom system?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did," said one of the ponies as the other one nodded.

"Well, shit. That means I'm not crazy," said Twilight. She resumed her trot towards her home. As Twilight passed by a building, she spotted a poster on it. She decided to stop and check it out.

MISSING: Berry Punch

Whoever finds her will be given a reward of 1000 bits

"Holy shit, Berry Punch, why are you always missing!?!?!?" Berry Punch was always getting kidnapped by a lot of ponies. Almost every single resident of Ponyville has kidnapped her at least one. She had also been murdered on some occasions. "1000 bits!? Who would be willing to pay 1000 bits to somepony just for finding an alcoholic mare?"

Twilight decided that talking to herself was a waste of time, and continued heading home. She finally made it to her house, and found that the door was ajar.

Oh great, thought Twilight, I've been robbed again. She opened the door and began to walk through. Once she made it inside, a loud, screeching voice said "nevermore!"

This scared the shit out of Twilight. "Holy shit! What the-" she spotted a raven perched atop a bookshelf to her right. "Oh, god damn it! Not you again! Get the hell out of my house!"

The raven took off from the bookshelf and flew through the doorway. "Later, bitch!" yelled the raven as it left.

"Good riddance!" yelled Twilight. She walked into the kitchen and saw a freshly dead Berry Punch on the ground. There was a nice little blood puddle around the carcass, and her intestines were removed and draped around the kitchen. Twilight stood there, looking at the whole scene in silence. She finally broke the silence by calling for Spike. "Spike! Spike! SPIKE! SSPPIIIIIKKKEE!!!"

"What is it this time, you old bitch!?" yelled Spike as he entered the kitchen. "What the hell is all of this shit!? Did you finally snap and kill a pony!?"

"No! I just walked in here and found this dead bitch on the floor! And where did you learn that language, you failure of a dragon!?"

"I have no idea!"

"I'll blame Rainbow Dash for the time being."

"Wait a minute..." Twilight was deep in thought. She was trying to remember something that she thought was important. "Oh! Spike, I'm about to be a thousand bits richer!" Twilight beginning to head towards the front door when the intercom voice began to speak.

"Stop right there! Don't forget about what your task is at the moment," said the voice.

"To collect my reward of a thousand bits?"

"No! To solve the murder of that pony in your kitchen."

"You just want those bits for yourself, you greedy bastard! They're mine! All mine!" Twilight wasn't going to let this voice get between her and the bits that she obviously deserved.

"If you leave this house, I'm going to kill you!"

"You have a way with words."

"Solve the murder, please."

"Hold on, why is there an intercom inside of my house?"

"You mean you never noticed?"

"Why would there be an intercom inside of my house!?"

"There's an intercom installed in every house around here."

"Why?"

"Well, you don't want to know what Ponyville was used for a while back..."

"Okay then... How am I supposed to tell you about my verdict for this murder?"

"Just tell me the murderer and the murder weapon, and you'll be good to go."

"Really? It's that easy? Well then, it was probably Rainbow Dash with her dumb tortoise."

"So you're telling me that you think it was one of your best friends?"

"Yep, is there a problem with that?"

"Not at all. But you think she killed that mare with her pet tortoise? Why does that make any sense to you?"

"Tortoise shells are hard, man! I've even thought about killing ponies with it myself a few times."

"Why would she beat a pony with her tortoise? Wouldn't that kind of thrashing about hurt or even kill it?"

"Berry Punch's death may not be the only murder I've solved with that; we may have a murder case of a certain tortoise on our hands now."

"You haven't solved anything, and I just killed a pony."

"I hate you."

"Yeah, I get that a lot."