It Was ____ In The ____ With The ____

"Who did you kill?!" demanded Twilight.

"You'll find out sooner or later," said the voice.

"What's that supposed to mean!? It's not like somepony's just gonna show up at my door and tell me-"

"Hey Twilight, Derpy just pushed a big red button that released a guillotine blade, which came crashing down upon Carrot Top's head." Vinyl Scratch had walked in through the door, which had been left open. "Contrary to popular belief, she bled blood instead of carrot juice. By the way, I'm having a concert tonight, and I was wondering if you could make it."

"Carrot Top is dead?" asked Twilight.

"Yeah."

"And Derpy caused it?"

"Yep; just pressed the button and WHAM! she was dead! Or maybe it was more of a slice... Hmmm..."

"Why the hell aren't you caring about a death that just happened!?"

"...Or maybe it was more of WASLASH! Yeah! That's it! WASLASH! I should use that sometime. What's that, Twilight?"

"Get the fuck out of my house."

"Okay, see ya at the concert!"

How does Octavia live with that? thought Twilight.

"Stop thinking to yourself," said the intercom voice.

"Wha-" Twilight was abruptly pulled out of her train of thought. "How'd you know I was thinking to myself?"

"Whenever you just stand there looking out into nothing; it's pretty obvious. You're not even the only one who does that! Haven't you ever noticed how everypony just randomly stops and stares?"

"Uh, no. I haven't."

"Oh, wait, that's because it is actually just you!"

"Are you trying to make me feel bad or something? Because I don't think that's the best idea if you want me to solve this murder case."

"You've got a point there."

"Hold on," Twilight just remembered that it was Derpy who caused Carrot Top's death. "Are you Derpy?"

"What? No. Derpy just happened to be the one who pressed my button."

"How did she end up pressing the button right when you said you killed a pony?"

"It's a long and hard process."

"That's what she said," said Spike, who had been eating Berry Punch's intestines the whole time.

"Holy shit, Spike! Why are you eating those!?"

"I'm hungry?"

"No! They could have AIDS!!!!"

"Psh, I'm fine; I'm pretty sure I'm immune to AIDS, Twilight."

"I guess you're right."

In Memory of Spike

2010 - 2012

Died of Pony AIDS

"I'm always right."

"But still, stop eating Berry Punch's intestines; it's sick."

"Whatever." Spike dropped the part of Berry Punch's lower intestine he was gnawing on, and it landed on the floor with a nice little 'pleh' sound. He looked around for a while before deciding to leave the house and go stalk Rarity for a little while.

Twilight decided to go check out the scene outside. When she closed the front door, she wanted to make sure nopony else would just walk into her house. Twilight went back in to get the key, but it was nowhere to be found. "The god-damned raven took my key!"

She ran outside and started yelling to the sky. "I'll kill you, raven! You hear me!?!? I'LL KILL YOU!!!"

The raven flew overhead, the key in its talons, and shit at Twilight, but it missed by just an inch. Twilight didn't take this lightly. "Oh, fuck you!! If that's how you want this to go, so be it!" Twilight's horn started to glow, and so did the raven.

The raven started to yell at Twilight. "You'll never get your key back! Your magic can't effect m-" The raven exploded. Blood rained down on to Twilight's face.

"HAHAHA! That's what you get, you piece of shit!" Twilight looked down to where the key had fallen, and saw Sweetie Belle standing next to it, also covered in the raven's blood, jaw dropped. "Where did you come from? How long have you been standing there?"

"I got here when you were yelling at the raven." Answered Sweetie Belle nervously. "What's a 'fuck?' "

"It's nothing, forget that I ever said that word. You should go wash your face before you do anything else, Sweetie Belle."

"Okay, Twilight..." Sweetie Belle walked over to the hose attached to Twilight's house as Twilight began heading to the bloodiest part of Ponyville.

As Twilight got closer to the scene, one scream got louder and louder. She saw a pony with blood all over its body that was just screaming nonstop. She appeared to be the only pony that was close enough to get blood all over her like that. Twilight saw that the pony also had a chunk of brain on her head as well.

"Oh my god! Why would you do this!?" Twilight asked.

"Who are you talking to?" asked a confused-looking Cherilee.

"The intercom over there," said Twilight, as if everypony knew exactly what she was talking about.

"Uh... Okay..."

"She's talking to me," said the voice.

"Oh, okay. For a minute there, I thought you had gone crazy, Twilight."

"I have gone crazy, Cherilee."

Cherilee chuckled. "Oh, Twilight, you've always been a joker."

"No I haven't..."

"Now, to answer your question," started the voice, "I did this because I thought it would motivate you to find the killer."

"It motivates me to find you as well as the killer. Well, the original killer, since this now makes you a killer as well."

"I would suggest trying to find the killer instead of me; it would be an easier process, and you actually have a chance of finding them."

Twilight looked over at Carrot Top's carcass. Her head was cleanly cut in half diagonally from her ears to the middle of her lower jaw. The other half of her head was being examined by a group of ponies about five feet away.

"Why is there only one pony besides me who seems to care about all of this?" Twilight was looking at the pony that was screaming nonstop.

"What do you mean by 'all of this?' " asked a pony that was standing next to the screaming one.

"Uh, the fact that a pony has just had a gruesome death in front of at least a dozen other ponies."

"Is that was this is?"

"What else would it be!?"

"Huh... Interesting..." the pony looked over at the upper-half of Carrot Top's head. "Oh! So that's what that is!?"

"Really, you just realized that was part of a head?" Twilight had a very disappointed look on her face.

"Part of a head!?" The pony looked at the half of a head again. "Holy shit, you're right!!!"

"What did you think it was when you first thought you knew?"

"I honestly have no idea."

Twilight turned her attention to the dead body. "When did this guillotine even get here!?"

"I've already told you that you don't want to know what Ponyville was used for a while back," said the voice.

Twilight looked at nearest intercom. "Fuck this shit, I'm gonna go collect my reward money for finding Berry Punch."

"If you do that, I'll kill another pony," said the intercom voice.

"Oh yeah!? Well I'll kill you!!" Twilight thought about the chances of that actually happening. "Up yours. I really want that money."

"You know you could do it after you solve the murder, right?"

"I guess..." Twilight suddenly heard a 'crash' to her left and looked over in time to see Rainbow Dash fly out of Sugarcube Corner with blood coming from her right wing. "What the fuck is happening in this town!?!?"