SAW-CLUE: A Dark Comedy

"Did you do that!?" Twilight was talking to the intercom again.

"No," said the voice.

"I find that hard to believe."

Twilight heard incoherent yelling coming from the open door of Sugarcube Corner.

"Is that-" All of the sudden, Pinkie Pie came bursting through the doorway, looking every direction until she laid her eyes on Twilight. "Pinkie Pie?"

"Hey Twilight, did you see Rainbow Dash fly outta here?" asked the pink one.

"Uh, yeah. Why did she look hurt?"

"Hurt? Haha, why would she be hurt?"

"I don't know, but she appeared to be bleeding. I don't think healthy ponies bleed."

"She's probably just on her period or something."

"I don't think she'd bleed from her wing if she was on her period, Pinkie Pie."

"She's on her period, Twilight!" Pinkie Pie yelled right into Twilight's face. If one looked closely enough, they could almost see fire in Pinkie Pie's eyes. Twilight and Pinkie Pie were just staring at each other after that outburst. Pinkie Pie appeared to become normal again. "Well, I guess I can't make cupcakes with her now. Maybe tomorrow."

"Cupcakes? There's no need to get angry, Pinkie Pie; I can help you make the cupcakes," said Twilight.

"You can't help your friend make cupcakes! You've got to solve this murder!" said the voice.

"Hey! Fuck you! I do what I want!"

"Who are you talking to?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"You," replied Twilight.

"Okay," Pinkie Pie said slowly. She began to examine Twilight. She poked her left side with a hoof, slightly pulled on her tail, and then finished it off by drawing a circle around Twilight's cutie mark with a marker.

"Hey! Why'd you do that!?" asked Twilight, who was caught off guard.

"Sorry, Twilight, but I can't make cupcakes with you. Well, at least not today."

"What!? You can make cupcakes with anypony! Hold on; is this because I threatened Gummy's life on his last birthday?"

"What?"

"I guess not..."

"What did you just say about Gummy?"

"Nothing. I didn't say anything about Gummy."

Pinkie Pie took another look at Twilight's cutie mark. "What color would you say your coat is?"

Twilight looked down at what she could see of her coat. "Uh... I don't know."

"C'mon, just say the first color that comes to your head when you see your coat."

"Pale, light-grayish mulberry."

Pinkie Pie stopped examining Twilight's coat. "Uh, what?"

"You told me to say the first color that comes to my head when I look at my coat, and I did."

"Uh... Okay... Well, it appears as though I have an opening for me to make cupcakes out of- I mean, with you."

"Okay, great! When do we start?"

"Whenever you want to eat this cupcake." Pinkie Pie pulled a cupcake out of nowhere.

"Why do you already have a cupcake if we're going to be making them?"

"Oh, no, this is is from an old batch that nopony wants anymore..."

"And you think that I would want it?"

"...Yes..."

Not wanting to offend Pinkie Pie, Twilight did the only thing that she could. "Okay, I'll eat it now, then." Twilight took a bite out of the cupcake. "Holy shit! This thing is horrible!" Twilight took another bite just to make sure that the cupcake was really that bad. It was. "How old is this!?"

"Well, I've had it since Berry Punch disappeared the third time."

"That was almost a year ago! Why would you keep such an old cupcake!?"

"It had stuff in it that I didn't want to waste."

"Like what? A rotting corpse!?" Pinkie Pie didn't respond. She just stared into Twilight's eyes. Twilight became very uncomfortable. "It's not really a rotting corpse is it...? Pinkie? Because if it's a rotting corpse..."

"Goodnight, Twilight," Pinkie Pie finally said, "sweet dreams."

"How did you know I was tired? It was supposed to be a secret!" said Twilight before she passed out and fell to the ground.

Twilight awoke on a cold metal table. "Wow, I had the stupidest dream ever!" said Twilight as she attempted to get off of the table, but with no luck. "Huh? what the!?" She found that she had been strapped to the chilled table with thick leather straps. "Leather!?!? Ah shit!"

"I'm glad to see you've finally made it out of your sub-conscious illusions of happiness and virtue," said Pinkie Pie, whom Twilight couldn't see.

"What? Where am I!?" asked Twilight as she desperately tried to shake herself free from the straps.

"That doesn't matter! What matters is that I'm going to make cupcakes with you soon!" Pinkie Pie finished off that sentence with a creepy laugh.

"I don't think I'd be of much help to you if I'm strapped down like this the whole time. You realize that, don't you?"

"Can't you see!? Heehee! It's only me, who'll be-"

"Are you starting to sing one of your songs?" asked Twilight, "because I'm kind of on a time constraint here, and I really need to make these cupcakes and get out of here!"

"Well well well, you aren't like the others I've made cupcakes with in the past," said Pinkie Pie.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You really don't realize what's actually going on here?"

"Of course I do; we're supposed to be making cupcakes, but you're just making it take longer than-" Twilight spotted a bucket of blood with what appeared to eyeballs floating in it. "-what the fuck?" She looked up and saw entrails hanging from the rafters. Also hidden up in the rafters was what appeared to be Pinkie Pie. "Hey, what are you doing up there?" Twilight asked the Pinkie Pie who was standing next to her. "You know what? Don't answer that." Twilight looked back up to where she had seen Pinkie Pie, but she wasn't there anymore. A shiver shiver went down Twilight's spine. "I'm going crazy little by little."

"Do you see something in here you recognize?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"You?" asked Twilight.

"Other than me. I'll give you a hint: It belongs to a certain little filly."

Twilight began to look around the room. "I can't find anything I recognize," said Twilight.

"Really? I thought I placed Scootaloo's skin and mane somewhere around here," said Pinkie Pie.

"Is it that stupid-looking piece of shit over there?" asked Twilight.

"No-" Pinkie Pie turned her attention to where Twilight was looking. "-yes..."

"That's supposed to be Scootaloo? It looks like a giant pile of shit!"

"Well that's because it is a giant pile of shit. You see, I got hungry, and Scotaloo's skin was the only thing available at the time, and-"

"I get the idea," said Twilight.

"Now, the first thing I'm going to take from you is your beautiful horn," said Pinkie Pie.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Twilight.

"You see, I would just forcefully pull it off with my hooves, but that's gotten boring. What I'm going to do is jump from the rafters up there and catch it mid-air. My momentum should easily snap it off."

"Huh, I didn't take you for the science-y type," said Twilight.

"There was science in what I just said?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"You know what, never-mind."

And so Pinkie Pie climbed up into the rafters and carefully positioned herself in the perfect spot.

"I feel like I'm having the stupidest case of déjà vu right now," said Twilight.

"Are you ready?" Pinkie Pie excitedly asked.

"Well, no."

"Too bad! Here I go!"

"Why even ask?"

Pinkie Pie jumped from the rafters straight at Twilight's head. She reached out with her front hooves. She was definitely ready to grab hold of Twilight's horn and let physics do the rest. Well, until she collided head-first into Twilight's horn. The horn went as far into Pinkie Pie's head as it could. Blood spurted out onto Twilight's face, and Pinkie Pie's body became limp on top of Twilight. Twilight lay motionless for a little while before saying "I have never been a more awkward situation than this."

How am I supposed to get out of this? thought Twilight. She then remembered the magic stick that she had coming out of her head. Oh yeah. Twilight began casting the levitation spell to get Pinkie Pie off of her. After Pinkie Pie was of of Twilight and on the ground, Twilight began to think about which spell might be able to help her get free from the table. She then remembered that she had the ability to teleport. "How am I even a unicorn?" she asked out loud, but there was no answer. She looked around and realized that there were no intercom speakers in this room. "Oh, that explains a lot."

Twilight teleported herself off of the table. She looked down at Pinkie Pie's dead body. "Stay here," Twilight told the motionless corpse. Twilight had seen stairs earlier, and she decided to go up them to attempt to find a way out. There was a door that appeared to have no way to lock, so Twilight reached out her hoof and, sure enough, opened it up. She found herself behind the counter at Sugarcube Corner. There was a pony looking at the display case with all of the pastries inside of it.

"Oh, hey, can I get a cupcake?" asked the pony. Twilight began to vomit profoundly all over the floor. "Woah! Jeez Louise!! I'll just come back later, then!"