Dr House in Equestria

"Wait...you need us to do what?!" It was early in the morning at the Hospital, with House standing before his team while leaning against a chair.

"My instructions were quite clear, or so I thought: I need two of you to get into Celestia's bedroom, find out where she's hiding her stash of alcohol or whatever she's been using that's made her sick, and bring me back samples."

Caroline shook her head. "Doctor House, with all due respect, that's impossible! The Castle is guarded night and day, and one does not simply sneak in there! And besides, if we were caught, then we could all be brought up on charges of treason!"

Robin chimed in. "Not being from this world, we don't expect you to understand our customs, but even you must know that breaking and entering is a crime! We did NOT sign up for this!"

Finally, the big stallion, Rocky, finished with, "How soon do you need the info?"

The other two whirled on him. "Are you crazy?! You can't possibly be serious!" But he met their ire without flinching.

"The Princess' life is on the line. We gotta do whatever it takes, and if this crazy asshole says we gotta invade her bedroom, then that's what we gotta do."

House smiled, then hobbled over to his desk, and opened a drawer. Taking out three documents, he came back to them and gave each of them one. "Your Princess Luna wants her Sis to live. Those will get you past the guards but do not tell them what you're doing, or passes or not, they'll bar you from entering. I'll leave it up to you to explain why you're there."

They all stared at the papers, then Caroline said, "Did Princess Luna know what your intentions were when she gave you these passes?"

House smiled. "If I tell you that, will it make a difference?"

She looked at Robin, then shook her head. "Never mind, I don't want to know."

"Good. Now, the two will be Rocky, and you, Caroline."

"Why me?"

"Because your pretty face and sweet, round ass will distract the guards, of course!" The young, redheaded unicorn mare stuck out her bottom lip.

"Of course."

"Doctor House, I don't think it's necrotizing fasciitis...she's been sick for over a day, and there's no gangrene present." Robin looked up from the medical records to the whiteboard House was standing before, writing down symptoms.

He wrote, 'necrotizing fasciitis,' 'pancreatitis from possible gallstones,' 'sudden aversion to sunlight,' 'abdominal pain,' 'itching,' 'vomiting...' he stood back, drew a broad line down the middle of the board, then wrote, "Botulism, or Guillain-Barré syndrome presenting with ascending paralysis..." He turned to his helper. "What does that look like to you?"

Robin's eyes grew wide. "It looks like you're trying to describe two separate medical conditions...but the odds against that are astronomical!"

House smirked. "What? You ponies don't know how to multitask?"

The young unicorn scowled. "You get my point! It's a stretch to assume she has more than one condition, instead of figuring out what she does have, and curing that!"

House put down the marker and smiled. "We have a saying on my world, which is somehow appropriate here: "Whenever you hear hoofbeats, you don't immediately think zebras, you think horses."

Robin blanched and looked around, making sure nopony else was within earshot, then leaned in close to the doctor. "House, if you want to keep your teeth in your head, don't ever say that again!"

"My point stands." He looked back at the board. "There's too much up there. We have to narrow them down, and I don't trust those morons that were working on her before." He tapped the board with the marker, while obviously thinking. "It's the paralysis that's the biggest issue right now...that's gonna kill her first if we don't figure out what's causing it..." He turned to his intern. "She displayed further symptoms while inside a clean room...that should have been against astronomical odds if you ask me."

"Perhaps...something internal? Some condition of her blood missed by the initial scans?" ventured his intern.

House shook his head while still staring at the board. "No. That wouldn't explain the sudden onset." Then his eyes brightened, and he turned to look at the unicorn. "You have parasites on this planet, correct? Little insects like bloodsuckers?"

Robin nodded. "Yes, but they're rare, especially in a large city." His eyes grew wide. "Wait...are you thinking our Princess somehow picked up a parasite?! She's the most beautiful, pure, and majestic pony on the planet! No disgusting bug would dare to soil her flesh!"

House smirked. "Listen, kid...if you're going to work with me, you're going to have to understand one thing: to me, she's just another patient. I don't care if she's royalty, and you'll have to not care as well. We have to cure her, not kiss her ass."

Robin's face turned several interesting shades of color. "But...but...I can't just change the way I've thought about her my entire life!"

House stared at him, then in a flat voice said, "Okay. You're fired."

"W...what?"

"You heard me: you're fired. I don't work with cowards." He limped over to the door and held it open. "Get out."

The unicorn stared at him, his jaw tensed, his limbs shaking, then he sighed, lowered his head, and whispered, "...please don't fire me, Doctor House. I'll do anything to save her." He looked up and met his eyes. "...anything!"

House stared at him, allowing him to sweat, then slowly closed the door. "Search her body for that parasite. Once you find it, do some blood work to confirm. Later on, we'll perform an ultrasound to rule out the pancreatitis, and do a scratch test to rule out other allergies, then schedule her in the MRI. The scratch test and the blood work you can do yourself; wait for your buddies to get back for the other tests. I want to see what they found in her bedroom."

His intern's eyes grew wide. "M..me?! You want me to lay hooves on Her Royal Pers---" but he stopped as House gave him a look. Robin swallowed nervously and corrected himself. "Of course, right away...but...doing the tests those senior doctors already did will very likely embarrass them..."

House smirked. "Not our problem."

As the intern made his way to the door, he stopped for a moment and asked, "With all respect, Doctor House, what will you be doing?"

House hobbled over to his desk and seated himself before ten or so official-looking, thick files. "I? Will be catching up on some reading." As he picked up the file he'd started the day before, he looked up to see the stunned unicorn still staring at him. "Those tests aren't going to perform themselves. Get going." His voice grew stern.

"NOW."

"This is nuts!" muttered Caroline, as she and Rocky approached the Castle.

"Just...keep it together," he muttered back out the side of his mouth, as they drew closer to the first guards. They both straightened and gave their toothiest grins as they stopped in front of them. "Good morning, soldiers!" cried Rocky, in a jovial manner. He pulled out his pass, then nudged Caroline with his shoulder, who jumped and took out hers as well. Expecting to have to give a lengthy explanation as to why they were there, they were both startled when the guards simply leaned forward, recognized the Royal Signature, then waved them inside.

Trying not to sweat, they entered the Castle through the main portico and began to trot nervously down the vast corridors. Their hooves echoed on the marble floors, as they passed soaring columns and walls covered with intricate tapestries. The windows were all stained glass, depicting various scenes of heraldry and heroes past, all brightly illuminated by the morning Sun's gentle rays. Rocky turned to his companion. "Have you ever been in here before?"

She looked at him as if he were daft. "Are you kidding?! I am completely lost!" She looked around. "We're going to have to ask somepony for directions to her bedroom, without raising suspicion." She glanced up at him. "I'm open to ideas."

He smiled. "I might have a few..."

"Why are you here, young stallion?" Robin froze as he entered Celestia's suite, only to see her surrounded by no less than ten senior doctors, all of whom were staring at him with various expressions of distaste.

"I...I was ordered by Doctor House to perform a scratch test and draw some blood from Her Majesty, as well as to search for a parasite, Sirs and Ladies."

"A parasite?!" one asked, looking down her nose at the unicorn. "Do you actually believe somepony as majestic as Her Royal Highness could be afflicted with something so common as a parasite?!" She took a step forward and sneered, "I recognize you...your family is one of the third lowest noble families in Canterlot...you only made admission to the Royal Medical College because of your family's name!" Robin's face flushed with anger and embarrassment, but he held his tongue. She smiled as the effect of her words landed home, looked around, and added, "So why would we allow somepony as baseborn as YOU to lay your hooves on her Royal Person?!"

The others' grimaces grew deeper, then one added, "And as for your other 'tests,' none of those will be necessary, child. You can go back and tell your mentor we have already performed several blood tests, and your...disgusting...test for allergies would be a complete insult, as it would imply our Beloved Princess is just as ignoble and frail as the rest of us! Such would be a total waste of Her Majesty's time!" Then they all turned their backs on him by way of dismissal and continued their conversation.

Robin turned away and got as far as the door, then stopped. And turned back around. "No."

They looked back at him. "What did you say?"

He met their gazes. "I said, 'no.'" Then he walked forward, pushing past them as they gasped, until he was beside Celestia. He bent down next to her and gently spoke. "Your Majesty, I have been sent by Doctor House to see what we can do to make you better. Will that be alright?" She wearily opened her eyes, slowly focused on him, then smiled and nodded.

He then began a careful search of her fur, starting from her head, down to her neck, and down her legs. She watched him silently, then in a weak voice asked, "...what...what is your name, my little pony...?"

He stopped and looked at her with awe. "Ro...Robin. Robin Howser, Your Majesty."

She closed her eyes again, as though the effort of speaking had cost her. But she opened them again and asked, "And...what does...the good doctor...have you...searching for?"

Robin's face turned bright red, but he knew he had nothing to lose at this point. "Doctor House believes...you may have...a...parasite of some sort, Your Highness." He resumed checking her fur. "Once we find it, we should be able to halt whatever is causing your paralysis."

She was about to speak again, when suddenly one of the senior doctors cried, "That. Is. Enough!!" Two of them grabbed the young intern and forcibly pulled him from the room, while one stayed by Celestia's side.

"Your Majesty, we all apologize for this foolish child's insolence! We will make certain he never troubles you further!"

"But...but...Doctor House..." began Celestia, but she was cut off by the doctor.

"That foreigner does not love you as we do, Your Majesty! WE will see to your care!"

"No...YOU will kill her," a voice plainly stated. They all turned around, only to see the donkey standing there. Behind him was a unicorn nurse, holding a stack of files suspended in her magic. He pointed to the one standing next to Celestia.

"Let's start with you." He turned and pulled out a file, then flipped it open. "Your name is Twinkle Brightstone, MD. Graduate of the Royal College Of Medicine, with honors...yet you haven't directly practiced medicine in over five years." He looked up at her. "Why is that?" Her face flushed, and she spluttered, but before she could actually speak, he tossed the file onto the floor and moved on.

He pointed to an older stallion as he took out his file. "Dapper Moonstone, MD. Same college, same honors." His eyebrows raised. "Says here you actually quit medicine a few years ago, due to some numerous complaints concerning nurses." He looked up at him. "There are no details, of course, but we can all probably guess." He looked around at them all. "I could go on, but I think I've made my point. I have files on each and every one of you. NONE of you have been active in medicine within the past year, yet here you all are, fighting for favor and kissing your Princess' ass." He took a step forward as they collectively took a step back. "I can now see why that asshole sent me here. It's not her illness that's going to eventually kill her, it's every single one of you." He turned to the ones with Robin. "Now then, get your g*ddamn hooves off my intern, and let us do our jobs." They quickly released him, then stood back as House limped forward.

"Did you find the parasite?"

Robin shook his head. "No." He looked at the doctors. "I was...interrupted."

House looked over his shoulder at them. "Expect a visit from Luna." At this, they all blanched, then fell over each other as they tried to squeeze out the door at once and flee down the hall. House watched them go without pity.

"I don't think we need worry about them ever again."