Dr House in Equestria

As Robin resumed checking her for the parasite, Kelly came rushing into the room. "What happened in here?! All my senior doctors just fled from the hospital without a word!" She had a frantic, deranged look in her eyes as she glared up at the donkey and his intern. At their continued silence, she exploded, "Talk to me!! What! Happened?!"

House finally turned to her and said, "If you're referring to those quacks that were just here to kiss ass and bolster their failing careers, you should probably thank me." He nodded in the direction of the sick alicorn. "We may have just saved your Ruler's life...because those morons were more interested in fame and fortune than curing her." He then turned to her as she was struck speechless and continued. "You remind me too much of someone I know back home. She's an idiot as well, but at least she shows some care for her patients."

Kelly grit her teeth as her face flushed bright red, then snarled, "How DARE you imply I don't care about my patients! You don't know a thing about me, donkey!"

House looked her in the eyes and smiled. "I know you were willing to risk Celestia's life by allowing a bunch of so-called "doctors" who haven't been active in medicine for the past year to treat her. I know they all paid you huge sums of...what do you call it here..."bits?"...to be granted access. I know that there were tests that they all were unwilling to do because they refused to treat her like any other patient, which would certainly have killed her." He took a step forward to her as she stood back and finished with, "And I know you're completely useless as a Dean of Medicine, for allowing all that to happen under your watch."

Kelly looked from him, to Celestia, then back up to him as she began to visibly sweat. In a shaking voice, she said, "You...you don't under...understand! The entire Kingdom is counting on me! Possibly even the entire world! I had to hire the best I could find!" Barely controlling herself, she added, "And once news of this gets out, I could be ruined!"

House frowned, then turned his back on her. "You're boring me. I don't give two shits about your reasons or justifications...because they would have killed my patient if I wasn't here. If that was an example of your best, then your best isn't good enough. Now get the hell out of here; we have work to do." With that, he limped over to the bed next to Robin with Celestia, effectively dismissing her. Still shaking from his words, she dragged herself over to a chair and sat down. Her face was a storm of emotions as she looked around to see who else had heard. Several nurses briefly met her eyes and then quickly turned away and "busied" themselves elsewhere, their own faces bright red as well.

Drawing a shuddering gasp, she finally picked herself up and quietly left the room, but not without giving his back one last glance full of burning hatred before she slid the door shut.

"That was an amazing plan!" laughed Caroline, as they were leaving the Castle, their saddlebags chock full of all the evidence they'd need to help their Monarch.

Rocky smiled. "Yes, those guards were totally not expecting us to find that room full of trained chimpanzees and turn them loose!" He chuckled to himself and added, "I don't envy the cleaning staff the mess they're going to have to deal with now!"

"Nor do I!" She laughed along with him as she reached up and removed a banana peel from behind her ear. "My Dad always said 'fortune favors the foolish!' I'll have to tell him thanks after this, although I don't think he'll believe this story!"

He smiled down at her. "Don't sell yourself short! Those guards would have had us at the last second if you hadn't distracted them by juggling all those flaming chainsaws while balancing on one leg on top of that beach ball! Where did you learn to do that?!"

She blushed. "Oh, I took an elective in college. You never know what skills will turn out to be useful."

He smiled down at her, then his eyes grew misty, which she noticed. "You know..." he whispered, "Besides all that, you were," he swallowed, "quite distracting yourself..."

She looked up at him and batted her eyelashes. "Oh, Rocky..." she sighed, "Rocky..."

"Rocky! Rocky!!" The big stallion jumped as he heard his name being shouted. Caroline stared up at him.

"You okay? You look like I lost you for a minute there."

He looked around to regain his bearings, then said, "Yeah...I was just...thinking." He cleared his throat and said, "I'm pretty sure the residential areas have to be near the top of the Castle." He turned to her. "Don't Princesses usually live in towers and such?"

She glanced around as they continued to trot down the hallways. "You're asking the wrong little filly. My parents used to read me science textbooks for bedtime stories, instead of fairy tales."

He looked sharply at her. "Wow. Really?"

She nodded. "It's why I became a doctor. While all my other friends were playing dress-up, I was "curing" my toys of all sorts of ailments."

He smiled at this as he gazed forward, still scanning the hallways. "That's cute..." Spying an ornate door, he paused, looked back at her, then opened it a crack and peered inside. "Ook ook?"

She gave him a flat look. "What are you doing?"

He looked sheepishly back at her and said, "Nothing. Wayward thought. Let's move on." They soon came to some stairs and began the long climb. The stairs were wide and made of white marble, with intricate patterns of purple and gold shot through them, while also curving upward and to the right. To either side of them were more high, stained glass windows, as well as more hanging tapestries, although these all held Celestia's Sun motif. This gave them hope they were headed in the right direction, so they quickened their pace and soon reached the upper landing. As they stopped and caught their breath, they looked down a long hallway, only to see a large set of double doors with two guards standing before them. Both doors were emblazoned with the Solar Diarch's cutie mark, leaving little doubt they'd finally reached their destination.

"Make or break time," Rocky mumbled to his companion as they tried to affect a casual air while approaching the guards. The guards had locked eyes upon them both from the moment they'd shown themselves, and once they came within range they crossed their spears, blocking their advance.

"State your business," one guard gruffly asked. Remembering House's teasing, Caroline gave him a half-lidded look, ran her hoof through her mane, batted her eyelashes at him, and was just about to say something sultry when the guard stopped her with, "Save it, Miss. We are on duty. If you do not have a good reason for being here, then you both must leave." He glared at them both and lowered his spear, while his partner did the same. "NOW."

As the mare's face burned bright red, Rocky stepped forward and took out his pass. "We are both doctors attending Princess Celestia. We've been given permission by Princess Luna to enter Her Sister's bedroom and retrieve certain personal items Princess Celestia has asked for. Please step aside."

The guards exchanged a look with each other at this, then one asked, "Then...why didn't Her Highness get Her Sister's items Herself?"

Caroline had quickly recovered from her embarrassment and added, "We didn't question Her, Sirs, though I would guess she is probably overcome with emotion right now." She looked from one to the other. "It's very important to them both, so please, please don't delay us!"

The guards watched them warily, then turned and spoke to each other, while still keeping an eye on them. Finally, one said, "Alright, you both may enter, but one of us will accompany you."

Rocky shook his head. "No, Sir...that won't be possible. The items we have to retrieve are of a...ahem...personal nature, and as her doctors, we have been entrusted to uphold both Her Honor and Her secrecy."

The guards looked like they would further protest, but Caroline had reached her limit. Taking out her pass, she angrily said, "The Princess HERSELF trusted us with these passes that bear HER signature! If you both are going to defy Her wishes, especially at a time such as this, then I would NOT want to be either of you when we report back to Her!" At this, both guards visibly paled underneath their armor, raised their spears, and stood aside. She had the grace to say a curt, "Thank you!" as she passed them and pushed the doors open, followed by Rocky.

Once inside, and the doors were shut, they both collapsed onto the floor and breathed a huge sigh of relief! After a few moments, they looked at each other and started to giggle, then laugh, and soon they both were rolling on the floor. Once they regained control, Rocky stood, wiped his eyes, and looked around.

The place. Was. HUGE! The floor was made of the same marble, with the same patterns of purple and gold, though mostly covered with a thick, Saddle Arabian rug that extended underneath the giant, four-poster canopy bed. To the far left was an ornate fireplace, with couches and high-backed chairs seated before it, over another rug. To the far right was a small set of stairs that led to a balcony, with tall windows that overlooked the City. Next to that was an armoire that looked to be at least a hundred years old, carved in the shape of a tree, with branches that touched the ceiling. Another set of double doors must lead to the bathroom, and next to that was a large vanity, covered with various makeup supplies. Rocky exchanged an exasperated look with his associate.

"So...where do you want to start first?"

Most of the doctors immediately went to their mansions, fired their staff, left their families (some took the time to write a hurried, private note, many did not) bought tickets under assumed names, and fled the City, all in a desperate attempt to escape the Lunar Princess's wrath. But some...some conspired together to get their own back from that donkey doctor. These immediately contacted their sources in the press and leaked the story of the Dean of Medicine's inexcusable irresponsibility in allowing a foreigner, without so much as a background check, take the life of our Kingdom's Beloved Ruler into his questionable hooves! They also tactfully suggested that Princess Luna had been duped by this charlatan's fancy, farcical medical "knowledge," and that she should have been guided to a more reasonable path by those who were senior in medicine and therefore more knowledgeable. None were so foolish as to reveal their own names with the "story," trusting their sources (and the huge amount of bits they paid them) to keep them private.

Now, all there was to do was sit back, and watch the show...

And so it was that by the time Dean Kelly reached her office, still fuming over her treatment by Doctor House, had hardly sat down when her secretary came rushing in. One look at her face was all she needed to know things were just...wrong.

She sighed, "What is it, Daphne?"

"M...Miss Kelly?" She looked over her shoulder, then back to her. "There are some reporters here, wishing to speak to you."

Kelly leaned forward, placed her elbows on her desk, and began rubbing her temples again. In a strained voice, she asked, "How many?"

Daphne swallowed. "ALL of them..."

Kelly looked up. "What?"

She nodded. "Yes, ma'am. All of them!"

Kelly sighed, then got up, walked to her door, then opened it. She was immediately bombarded with reporters shoving microphones and cameras in her face, all shouting questions at her.

"Is it true you allowed a stranger to work on Princess Celestia?!" "How do you know he isn't a spy, sent to kill her?!" Wasn't it irresponsible to allow a donkey to serve in your hospital?!" "Do you have any plans to resign?!" "Are you prepared to face the consequences when she dies?!" "Why do you hate our Princess?!" "Are you a spy?!" "Who are you really working for?!" "Is this donkey your lover?! Is that why you're letting him next to our Princess?!" And finally, one shouted, "Who IS this doctor?!"

At last...a question I can actually answer. Kelly cleared her throat and held up her hooves for silence, as they all paused, but cameras still clicked and flashed. "His name is Doctor Gregory House and...(here she made a split-second decision)...I have every confidence in his abilities! Yes, he was an unknown, but we have become acquainted over the past day or so, I have observed his work, and he is one of the best, if not the best doctors with whom I have ever worked!" At their stunned silence, she gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile and added, "Our Princess could not be in better hooves, I assure you all!"

The cameras stopped clicking. One could hear a pin drop. After a few moments, one reporter asked, "May...may we see him?"

She smiled. "The doctor is a very private person, but I'm sure I can convince him to take a few minutes for an interview. If you will all follow me?" With some difficulty, she pushed her way to the front of the herd and led the way to Celestia's private suite. Once there, she frowned when she saw the curtains had been drawn, concealing Celestia and the doctor from view, but she turned to the reporters and said, "Have your cameras ready. You're about to see a genius in action!" With that, she stepped up to the door, and pulled the curtains back in one swift stroke!

Everypony gasped as they saw the donkey with his face buried in Celestia's crotch, then he pulled back and said, "Got it!" He then turned around and looked at them with a tiny, wriggling tick stuck in his teeth.

Staring at their shocked faces, he mumbled, "Umm...fuck off?"