Dr House in Equestria

The reporters quickly overcame their shock and began rapidly clicking shots. The more scrupulous ones focused on the doctor's face, on the tick in his teeth, and left out any...unsavory...pictures of Her Highness. But there was one photographer in particular that used an entire roll of film getting tight shots of Celestia's exposed..."lady parts." He was so engrossed in getting his shots that he didn't notice the entire room had gone silent, thinking only of the potential mountain of bits he was going to get for these once-in-a-lifetime pictures! He even went so far as to step closer, removing all doubt as to his true intentions as he clicked away with a creepy smile on his face.

So he had no excuse when the camera was suddenly ripped from his hooves, then crushed into its atomic particles before his eyes. He recognized the corona that had surrounded his camera, so as his heart began beating rapidly out of his chest, and sweat immediately started pouring down his face, he slowly turned around to look into the eyes of the furious Night Princess. The poor fool fell on his face before her, too frightened to even speak. Her eyes were blazing white, and she was flanked by two of her thestral guards. In a low, dangerous voice, she uttered, "...take him..." The bat ponies picked him up and hauled him off, as everypony else, with the exception of Doctor House, had already fallen to their knees.

Luna came forward and used her magic to cover her Sister's modesty, as House took the tick and placed it in a specimen bottle. He turned to his intern and said, "Get up; we still have work to do." Robin looked from him to the Princess, swallowed, then regained his hooves, went to the cabinets, and drew out what he'd need for blood samples to confirm the paralysis had been abated.

Luna's eyes returned to normal as she gazed at her Sister, then asked, "How doth she fare?"

House shrugged. "She's not out of the woods yet." He showed her the tick. "This is the little beast that was causing her paralysis, so she's out of immediate danger, but we still don't know what got her here in the first place."

She bowed her head, closed her eyes, and whispered, "I thank thee, Noble Doctor."

House frowned. "Don't thank me yet. She may still die, if we can't find out the cause of her initial illness."

She winced at his bluntness, then sat down next to the bed and gently placed a hoof on her unconscious Sister's chest. After watching her sleep, she then turned suddenly tearful eyes up at the doctor once more. "Hast thou any ideas? Any whatsoever?" She leaned towards him. "Ask for anything, anything at all, and it shall be thine! Just please...save her!"

House glowered at her. "Quit wasting my time, Princess...that's not why I do what I do." At this, there was a collective gasp from all the others assembled, as more cameras flashed and notes were scribbled. House turned to them and yelled, "Would you all get the HELL out of here?! I'm trying to work!!"

The Night Princess jumped to her hooves and leaped forward towards them, fangs bared, with wings extended in full threat display. "Thou heard him! BEGONE!!" she bellowed in a thunderous voice that reverberated and shook the very walls! Within seconds, the room was clear. At this, Celestia stirred and woke.

"Lu...Lulu?"

Luna's face immediately switched from anger to joy and rushed back to Her Sister's side. "Tia! Thou art awake! How dost thou feel?"

She feebly moved her lower limbs and whispered, "A...a little weak still, but better..." She shifted her gaze to the doctor. "How...how am I, House?"

He frowned at her. "It would save us all some time if you'd simply tell us what you were doing that was out of the ordinary...whatever it was you might have been using that got you sick." As he watched her eyes dart to the left, he sighed. "But you're not going to do that are you?" He gave a disgusted look to his intern. "Do you see why I said we have to treat her just like any other patient?" He cast a smoldering look back down at Celestia and finished with, "...because none of them can be trusted..."

Luna looked from House to Her Sister, and said, "Tia? Why...why won't thou tell the doctor the Truth? Thy very Life hangs in the balance!"

Celestia's face flushed red, and she motioned for Luna to come closer. Once she did, Celestia raised her head and whispered in her ear for a long time. Luna's eyes grew large, then her face went red as well. She closed her eyes and sat up. "Oh...Tia..."

Then she took a deep breath, turned to House and his assistant, and said, "I must take my leave of thee."

They both watched her go, then Robin said, "What do you think that was about, Sir?"

House turned and looked down at his patient, who still wouldn't meet his eyes. "If I had to guess, I'd say we're about to get our answer."

Rocky sighed as he looked around one last time. They both had been searching for the better part of an hour and had nothing to show for their efforts. "Well, I'm stumped. I honestly don't know what we expected to find here. The Princess is over a thousand years old, which gives her a thousand-year head start on keeping things hidden."

Caroline closed a drawer in which she'd been rummaging and frowned over her shoulder at him. "We can't give up! Something she used has made her sick, and we simply have to find it!"

Rocky threw up his hooves. "I know!" He gestured around. "But what are we supposed to do?! We've looked everywhere! Unless there's a secret panel or something hidden in the walls, I'm fresh out of ideas!" Then his eyes brightened. "Hey! That's it! Maybe that's the key!" He turned excitedly to her. "Use your magic, and sweep the place! Maybe it's something only unicorns can detect!"

But she didn't share his enthusiasm. "The Princess is an Alicorn, not a unicorn, so Her thanum strength greatly outstrips ordinary unicorns. If she hid something with Her power, then my magic probably won't be able to detect it." At the look on his face, she quickly added, "But, you're right, it's worth a shot. Stand back." She closed her eyes and powered up her horn, casting a visible wave of red-tinged magic throughout the room.

"Anything?" he asked anxiously.

"Quiet!" she growled, as she kept her eyes closed and moved her head back and forth, "I'm doing my best here!" As she continued to scan the room, she suddenly came up short and gasped.

"What?! What is it?!" Rocky asked as he stepped closer to her.

Her eyes grew wide with fear as she stared at an otherwise plain spot at the far wall. "I...I'm not sure. There's something just...wrong, over there, but---" she stopped abruptly as the doors suddenly flew open. They both turned to look, then fell prostrate as they saw the Night Princess standing there. Her eyes were once again blazing white, and crackles of eldritch energy fizzled and sparked from her horn. As she stepped into the room, the marble cracked and splintered underneath her hooves, and when she finally spoke, the air pressure threatened to explode their very eardrums.

"WHAT IS THY BUSINESS IN MINE SISTER'S PRIVATE CHAMBERS?!"

It took them both more than a few moments to find their voices, but once they did, Rocky stammered, "For..forgive us, Your Majesty! We...we were instructed to find...to find...whatever was causing Princess Celestia's ailment! We meant no offense!"

Keeping her eyes on the floor, Caroline added, "We must save her, Your Highness! We'll do anything we have to!" She dared to raise her eyes at this point and pleaded, "ANYTHING!"

Luna silently regarded them, then slowly returned her eyes to normal. "Rise," she commanded. Once they shakily stood, she asked, "Thou were sent by Doctor House?"

"Yes, Your Majesty..." they both said at once.

Still, she stared at them, then said, "Know this: be this an earlier time, before mine Banishment, I would slay thee both for such a breach of honor." Then her shoulders slumped, and she bowed her head. "But thy purpose be noble, and I also will do anything to save mine Sister." Then she walked over to the far wall and looked over her shoulder at them. "What thou seek is here. I only learned of it a few moments ago, when speaking to mine Sister. You," she pointed to the Earth pony, "What is thy name?"

"Rocky Cardo, if it pleases Your Highness."

"Squire Cardo, come forward." She looked at the mare. "What is thy name?"

"Caroline Allifoals, Your Grace."

"Lady Allifoals, I would caution thee to keep thy distance. What I am about to reveal is most...addictive and dangerous to unicorns." So saying, she turned, closed her eyes, and focused her magic on a spot on the wall. There was a pause, and then a section slid open, revealing an ornate box. With visible effort, she magicked the box out of its alcove and into Rocky's waiting hooves, then leaped back, already panting.

Rocky stared down at it, then up at her. "What...what is it, Your Majesty?"

With her eyes tightly shut and her face turned away, she said, "It is something...so shameful...that I never thought mine Sister would stoop to use." She opened her eyes and gave a pleading look to them both. "I will explain it, but I beg of thee both, do not share this with any other than Doctor House! I only do this out of necessity, to save Tia! Swear to me!"

Rocky and Caroline exchanged a look, then both said at once, "We so swear, Your Highness."

The sleazy photographer stared around his dank cell, as his teeth chattered while thinking of all the ways he imagined he was going to be tortured. How could he have been such an idiot? NO amount of bits was worth this! Now here he was, somewhere in the bottom of the Castle, in a cell with wet, brick walls, no windows, and only a single torch set on the outside of the cell as his only illumination. He could hear rats scurrying around in the darkness, and as much as he feared rats it was a testament to his terror that this fear paled in comparison to what was going to happen to him when Princess Luna came back.

But...if he kept his wits, and she allowed him to speak, he might have a chance.

His balls drew up as he heard the far door being opened, then heavy hoofsteps approaching his cell. He fell back from the bars and squeezed into a corner, trying to make himself as small as possible, as futile a gesture as he knew it to be. The hoofsteps seemed to take forever, then his eyes grew wide as the Night Princess stopped before his cell and stood there, silently regarding him. The silence became unbearable.

He fell on his face to the filthy floor and cried out, "Please! Forgive me, Your Highness! I was only doing what I was told to do!"

She continued to stare at him without pity, then said, "Somepony told thee to take unsavory images of mine Sister? While she layeth fighting for Her very Life?!" She stepped up to the bars. "Give me their names!"

He glanced up at her, then quickly looked down again. "If...if I do, will you release---" but that was as far as he got before he was seized in her magic and hurled bodily against the far wall.

"I owe thee NOTHING, miscreant!! Thou will give me the names, NOW!!" In a choked voice, he blurted out everything he knew.

Everything.

The three doctors that had worked together to bring down that repulsive donkey all sat in the palatial mansion of the senior of the three, awaiting news. So far, all had gone according to plan: their press contacts had presented themselves to the Royal Hospital in record time and confronted the Dean, but that was as far as their current knowledge went. They eagerly awaited further news of that donkey's downfall and dismissal from Celestia's case, as should be expected from the hints and suggestions they'd instructed their contacts to make. It had also been Doctor Twinkle Brightstone's suggestion to get as many compromising pictures of Celestia as possible and leak them to the public, to show how horribly that fraud had been treating Her since Her real doctors had been expelled! Soon, the Dean would be contacting them and beg them to return!

Which they might consider...for a larger fee!

So it was with great shock when Brightstone's Head Butler entered, carrying the latest copy of the evening paper, and she snatched it out of his hooves. Her face turned pale as she read it, and the other two doctors, Dapper Moonstone and Doctor Bristle, shared her fear. "What is it?" Bristle asked. Instead of answering, she gave them the paper. They both read it together, as both of their faces also turned pale:

HEROIC DOCTOR SAVES OUR BELOVED PRINCESS!

Princess Celestia was on the very edge of Death, if not for the valiant efforts of the before unknown doctor, who against all odds and failed efforts by Her previous doctors managed to cure Her from Her immediate sickness!

While unable to secure an interview with him, this reporter has learned his name is Doctor Gregory House, and that, according to the Dean of Medicine, is also the best doctor with whom she has ever worked!

So rejoice, Equestria! Our Princess will soon---

...and that was as much as they could stand to read before Moonstone ripped the paper to shreds and threw it down. He grit his teeth. "Those idiots!! They were supposed to discredit him, not sing his praises! What did we pay them for?!"

"Calm down, you moron," said Twinkle. "Maybe there's still a way we can salvage this..."

They both turned to her. "Well, I'm not listening to any more of your "great" ideas, Brightstone," said Moonstone. "We should have done as our colleagues did, and gotten out of the City as fast as we could! That's what I'm going to...wait..." He swiveled his ears towards the window. "Do you hear that? It sounds like..." All three turned to the window, only to see a dark blip fast approaching, preceded by the sound of air being ripped apart. Their eyes grew wide, and they barely had time to dive for cover before the far window and entire outer wall exploded inward! As they raised their heads slowly above the rubble, their vision was partially obscured by dust, but they could make out the light of a horn, and the sight of two eyes burning white.

Then the figure stepped forward, revealing Herself. Without a word, she seized all three in Her magic and dragged them to Her. Twinkle foolishly tried to talk her way out of it. "P...Princess Luna! My colleagues and I were just conferring on Your Sister's condition! We truly believe we may have found out what's---"

"Be. Silent." Luna drew her closer and stared into her eyes. "Thy informant told me everything. So save thy lies."

In a shaking voice, Doctor Moonstone asked, "Wha...what are you going to do to us?" Luna stared at him.

Then, she smiled.