Dr House in Equestria

"What have you got for me?" House looked up from his desk as Rocky came into his office, carrying a weird-shaped box, while Caroline waited outside. Rocky set the box on the desk and stepped back.

"It's...something Princess Luna swore myself and Caroline to secrecy, House..." He leaned forward and slowly opened it, revealing an ornate, purple bottle, with a thin neck and intricate carvings all along the sides. There was a stopper on top of it, and as House picked it up and looked at it, he could see the glass was barely see-through, and the contents were halfway used. He raised an eyebrow as he looked back up at his assistant.

Rocky swallowed and explained. "What you have there...is...is...liquid Satyrion, the most potent aphrodisiac on the planet. According to Princess Luna, it has been distilled for well over a thousand years, and a single drop can cause an ordinary pony to experience an increase in their sexual drive that can last for days! It was banned over a millennia ago when it caused an uncontrollable orgy that brought about the fall of an ancient kingdom! It only affects direct magic users, which includes unicorns and alicorns, and is both highly addictive and dangerous...as well as being strictly forbidden! Her Highness has been using it for weeks, so Princess Luna explained, because..." and here his face turned bright red, "because after a thousand years, her libido has required more and more extremes in order to be satisfied..."

House smiled, set the bottle on his desk, and then sat back. "So your Princess used this to get Her rocks off, and invariably made Herself sick." He shook his head. "No wonder she didn't want to say anything about it." He looked back up. "I guess this information rather sullies your view of Her, doesn't it?"

Rocky's face took on a look of defiance. "No! She's still my Princess! Even if She's...as horny as the rest of us..." he trailed off.

House leaned to the side and looked out at the mare. "So, is that why Caroline is keeping her distance? So she won't be affected by this crap?"

Rocky looked back at her, then back to House, and nodded. "Yeah. Just being close to the box on the way back here was making her act all funny."

"Huh. It's that strong?" He stood, then placed the bottle back in its box. "Well, I guess that means only you and I will be working with this thing, then." He looked up at him and smirked. "And before you get any funny ideas, you're not my type."

Rocky gave him a sour look. "I'm sooo relieved to hear that. I'll try real hard to restrain myself around you, 'stud.'"

Caroline carefully inserted the needle containing the prescribed allergen into Her Majesty's back, levitated that needle away, and then picked up another in her magic. She'd been performing the scratch test for allergies on Her Majesty for the past fifteen minutes in order to keep busy, as she couldn't go near that artifact they'd uncovered in Her room. Celestia slightly winced as she felt yet another sting and whispered, "How many more, my little pony?"

Caroline bit her bottom lip and said, "Not many more, Your Highness. Doctor House is simply being thorough, in that You have no prior medical history. So, we all have to start from "scratch," as it were..."

Celestia looked over Her shoulder at her and smiled. "Was...that an attempt at humor, sweetheart?"

Caroline stopped, stared at Her, and blushed, both at the unexpected familiarity and the acknowledgment of her jest. "Y...yes, it was, Your Highness. Forgive my impertinence!"

She sighed and lay Her head back down on the soft pillow. "There's nothing to forgive, dear. You are now privy to my deepest, darkest secret...a bit of informality and levity between us is to be expected."

The intern paused again, then a slow smile grew on her lips. "As you wish, Your Highness." She bent to her task, then completed it within the next few minutes and straightened up. "There! All finished! We should see the results within 24 hours, and then, if all goes well, we can rule out any other causes that might have made you sick, Your Highness."

The alicorn raised Her head once more and gave her a weary smile. "I did mention we now enjoy an informal relationship, did I not?" Her smile brightened. "Please...call me Celestia."

Caroline was struck speechless.

House smirked as yet another Unicorn nurse had to be taken bodily from the research room where he and Rocky had been studying the 'Satyrion', as she'd gotten too close to the sample with which they'd been working and accidentally inhaled a small portion.

The effect had been almost immediate.

The first thing to go had been her uniform, which she'd quickly reduced to rags in her haste to tear it off her body. Then, as Rocky had been the closest male, she'd fallen upon him and began madly kissing him, all the while screaming for him to "take her!" as her kissing became more passionate and...lower. Only Rocky's Earth pony strength saved him from what would have been a rather...indecent...scene.

The situation was in no way helped by the fact Dr. House was offering no assistance at all...rather he sat back and crossed his forelegs with a smile on his face, watching the show.

"House!" yelled Rocky, "A little help would be nice!" as he bent all his strength in fending off the desperate mare.

After about a minute, House leaned forward to the phone and pressed the intercom button. "Security to Doctor House's office. We've got another one." Within moments, three burly security types burst into the room, took a second to assess the situation, then tackled the unruly mare, quickly subduing her.

As they dragged her out, still kicking, screaming, and confessing her "love," Rocky readjusted himself and said, "Thanks for the eventual help House!" He went to the door and looked down the hall at her, then closed it and went back inside. "I suppose better late than never..."

But House was busy taking notes. "Did you happen to notice how long it took for her to come in contact with the substance, and then go berserk?"

Rocky gave him a sarcastic look. "Gee... no! For some reason, I was distracted!"

House stopped writing and looked up at him. "Almost sixty seconds. The last time it happened, it was less than thirty seconds." He pointed to the sample. "I diluted this with alcohol on a hunch, until it was one part per million, and it was still incredibly potent." He dropped his pencil and sat back. "We need another expert, someone who works with chemicals, and not someone like myself who's simply winging it."

Rocky stared at him. "Wait...so you weren't just having a giggle at my expense?"

House shook his head. "Sadly, no. Although it was an added bonus!" He leaned forward and pulled up the hospital's personnel directory. "Who does this place have on staff that's good at working with chemicals? We need to break this substance down and find out exactly how it works if we're going to save your Princess."

Rocky became thoughtful. "Just off the top of my head, we do have an oncologist that is also an analytical chemist."

House's eyes perked up. "An oncologist?"

The young mare wiped away a tear as she sat huddled with her husband in the doctor's office. He gently pushed a box of tissues over to her, which she gratefully accepted, as he went on with his diagnosis. "I'm afraid your options are limited, Mrs. Flowers." He sighed, and continued. "Given your symptoms, we believe you might have Stage II cervical cancer, which in that case we may have to remove your cervix."

Mrs. Flowers burst into fresh tears, and cried, "But...but my husband and I want to have foals! This will ruin our chances!"

The doctor nodded and said, "I understand it's a hard choice, but your life may be in danger if the cancer spreads any further. You have at best a week to decide, and then..." his voice trailed off as his door opened and a donkey barged into his office!

The intruder smiled and said, "Sorry folks, but the doctor is needed elsewhere!"

The doctor was struck speechless for a moment, but then quickly recovered and said, "I deeply apologize for the interruption!" He slowly got to his hooves, and said, "I'm...sorry, would you two excuse me for a moment? This won't take long." He gave them a smile, but as soon as he turned away his face morphed into an intense frown as he grabbed the donkey and pushed him out into the hallway.

"Are you out of your mind?! I was just in there telling that poor mare she has a week to make a life-or-death decision! What do you think you're doing?!" as he glared at the donkey.

The donkey grinned at him and said, "You're Dr. Wilheim, correct?"

His frown turned deeper. "Yes, and you're Dr. House! I know all about you! What do you want?!"

House showed him a chart. "I and my team, well, just an Earth pony and myself, are working on a substance your Princess has been using that has nearly killed her, and just might still if we can't figure out how it works." He straightened up and looked him in the eyes. "We need you."

Dr. Wilheim looked at the chart, then glared back up at House. "You couldn't have waited five minutes?"

House leaned around him and looked at the mare. "What's wrong with her?"

Wilheim's eyes flashed. "You know I can't disclose a patient's private information!" But House held up a hoof.

"Never mind; I can guess. You said it was a 'life-or-death situation?'" He jutted his chin at the couple. "You're an oncologist, so it's cancer-related, they're newly married, so it probably has something to do with them trying to start a family." He looked at Wilheim. "Cervical cancer, right? She doesn't want to do the surgery, because she's holding out hope you might be wrong." House frowned. "Are you?" Wilheim stared back at him, then slowly shook his head. House nodded. "I didn't think so." Then, before Wilheim could stop him, the donkey pushed past him and barged back into the office.

"Hey! What are you...!" but he was cut off as House began speaking.

"Excuse me? Moron?" House said as he tapped the mare on her shoulder. She spun around and looked up at him with frightened eyes.

"Who...who are you?!"

"Think of me as the Voice of Reason." He pointed to the stallion, who had jumped to his hooves with an angry look on his face. "That your husband, correct?"

The wife also got to her hooves and faced Dr. Wilheim. "Who IS this person?!"

House kept speaking. "If you love your husband, idiot, you should have the surgery! You can always adopt a kid, or a foal, or whatever it is you people call them on this planet!"

The husband rushed forward, drew back his hoof, and connected to House's jaw with one blow! He then stood over him and growled, "NOPONY talks to my wife like that!"

But the wife had burst into tears and looked at Dr. Wilheim. Quietly, she whispered, "D...Doctor? Am I being an...idiot?"

Dr. Wilheim helped House to his hooves, then reluctantly nodded. "My colleague is a bit short on manners, but he's correct. You need to do the surgery, dearest."

She turned to her husband and cried into his shoulder, then looked back at the doctors and nodded. "I'll schedule you for the procedure tomorrow morning, Mrs. Flowers," said Wilheim.

As they were leaving the office, Mr. Flowers growled back at Wilheim and said, "Who IS that jerk?"

Wilheim looked from him to House, who had taken a seat and was rubbing his jaw. Then he frowned back at the husband and said, "That jerk just saved your wife's life!"

After they'd gone, House clicked his jaw back into place and smiled up at Wilheim. "You remind me of someone I know back home."

Wilheim gave him a flat look. "Does he hate you too?"