I walked out of a meeting with my forehead cracked. I had to sit, sit through a fucking meeting about how farming potatoes is fucking revolutionary. As expected, I didn’t pay attention, got asked a few questions, and ended up just beating my head into the table to see which is stronger. Surprisingly, a table made of marble is stronger than my forehead. Because Celestia is apparently a goddamn sadist that's possibly a corrupt ruler, I've been going through a week of meetings.

For everyday I don’t kill myself, Chrysalis would soothe me with cuddles and other things.

Also Chrysalis is planning on moving the Hive outside of Canterlot just to get me away from Celestia. Because apparently the sorta stunt that Celestia pulled was more fucked up than when Sombra was in power in the Crystal Empire. So we were just sending scouts out so that we can find a new location for it. So far, somewhere in Ponyville seemed like a good place to set up a Hive. Also Chrysalis relocated me into her room in the Hive to hide me from Celestia.

Now I just have to walk home after a long fucking day of meetings…

Fuck you, Celestia. The mare in question was walking towards me, so like any smart guy I walked over to the window and just contemplated jumping out. All of this bullshit because I broke a guy’s jaw and got tricked into thinking I killed him. Of course, Celestia laid a wing over my back and started rubbing it before I shook it off and moved over three feet. Or because these ponies hate freedom, a meter.

“What do you want, Celestia?”

“I was merely passing by and saw a friend that looks like he’s about to kill himself. Care to get away from the window?”

“Cool.” I ignored her question. “You mind bothering your suicidal friend then?”

Celestia ruffled her feathers. “Fruit,
you are that friend.”

“You tried to get me to kill a fucking baby over assault, Celestia! You threatened to send me to what can only be described as literally hell over assault after making me think I killed the guy I assaulted, in self defence. You made me think I betrayed my own morals and tried making me go against them again just to be free from killing some poor bastard! And then you, you have the fucking audacity to call me a friend after then putting me into a profession I didn’t want?”

“I heard you got fired-“

“So? You know I’ve got other business ventures and Chrysalis to turn to if those fail. If you’re telling me, something as psychotic as you, who decided to get me to kill a baby was a good prank, would be an awesome friend, then you can go fuck yourself. And if you still insist that we’re buddies, then go right the fuck ahead and shit in my rectum. And don’t even try those puppy eyes with me, Sunbutt; I’ve seen enough of that with Luna or Chryssy. I’m lucky that I didn’t kill Flamebeak and managed to remain on Bloodbeak’s good side after the bullshit you’ve pulled.”

“But-“

“Fuck off.”

“Look, I’m sorry-“

“I don’t give a damn.”

“Will you hear me out?”

“No. You’re lucky I haven't told anypony about this shit.”

Celestia simply sighed, wings drooping, and looked me in the eyes. “By my crown, I will find some way to make this up to you.”

“If we ever become friends again, I will kill myself.” With that, I turned around and started walking. Up until I felt myself unable to move; Celestia’s holding me with her magic.

“Can I at least ask that you do not tell anypony? I know… that I have crossed you.”

“Celestia, please let my consort go. Can you not tell that he is… unhappy?” Chrysalis asked, regally walking forward and giving me a nice good look at her hips as they moved side to side. “And I would like to speak with him… Privately. You and I may be allies, but even I know just… how immoral that is; the thing you tried getting him to do. And that’s coming from a leader of a race that isn’t known for having morals, Princess.”

Celestia sighed and nodded.

In an instant, I was in mine and Chrysalis’s bedroom. It wasn’t anything overstated, and kinda reminded me of Thorax’s home, except with a few extra fancy lights here and there. It was… pretty fucking cozy all things considered. The clock and lamps were there for my benefit as it turned out that Chryssy can see in the dark, and so can her changelings. Apparently a lot of changes were made to the Hive in order to accommodate me should the need arise. And while I could easily live in the house provided by the Crown, Chrysalis quickly found it distasteful to be living in something from the Crown after… My incident.

In the corner of the room was a coffee table and a pair of chairs. And as it turned out, changelings don’t have beds; they use these things called sleeping circles which is more or less… hard, but not too hard. And despite it being made of changeling resin, they are the most comfortable thing to sleep on… as long as you have a blanket. Yeah, my human brain cannot comprehend falling asleep without a blanket, so Chrysalis knitted together a very cute one that was completely red with black hearts.

I love my marefriend.

“I take it that you hate being a politician?” Chrysalis began healing my forehead. “This is the twelfth time this week that you’ve come home from a meeting with some kind of self injury.”

“I only haven’t killed myself because then I’d miss out on Chrysalis time.” I said as we took a seat at the coffee table. That got Chrysalis to give me the sweetest little smile… And a kiss before she took her seat. “Though… as your Consort, I am legally a citizen of the Hive, right?”

“You are.”

“So I can just back out of being a politician and in Equestria and… be one here?”

“You could.”

“Could I avoid meetings?”

“I wouldn’t make you partake in meetings, but I might ask you to show up to some formal events in Equestria should my presence be needed; I need my emotional support coltfriend to help deal with nobles.”

“And so you know how I feel about having to deal with ones that tried making it sound like raising taxes for the wealth would cause genocide in Canterlot.”

“More than you can imagine… Hence why I went to Luna and she made you participating in politics, and political meetings… entirely illegal! Unless Bloodbeak is present; I think you two get along way too well, but I am not complaining. Your friendship with that old bird will probably keep peace amongst changelings and griffins.”

Huh. Well, time to pay my debts to those who saved me from a life of suffering.

“I need to go hug Luna right this instant…” I smirked. “But I do have a sexy marefriend to hug, kiss, and… do a little more with in thanks for freeing me from my chains.”

“Oh-ho-ho! You were so shy about having sex before…”

“Yeah… I was. But hey, you enjoy it, I love it. I wanna… Hold up, I could give you a full body massage.”

“Really now?” Chrysalis looked ready to prance in place.

“Yes I can. I can do that as a thank you for saving me. Then I can just give Luna a hug.”

“You need to quit teasing the Moon. it may come crashing down… But I was promised a massage.” We walked over to the sleeping circle, and I began going to town with my marefriend. I swear, her pleasure in what I was doing to her, which was rubbing her shoulders(we weren’t having sex, weirdo.) could be heard throughout the entire Hive. and Canterlot. She made an especially sexy noise when I cracked her back.

Of course, our fun little moment that just ended up in a very cozy cuddle session got ruined when Chrysalis burped up a message from Celestia. It mostly just said that the Princess Summit would be do, and that we were to embark on a train with her and Luna to the Crystal Empire in order to attend that Princess Summit and gave a basic summary of Princess Summit. It basically was just a ‘Princesses hangout and the younger Princesses learn how to Princess’. For some reason ‘teaching Chrysalis how to Princess’ was on the list. Even though Chrysalis was a Queen, and was nearly as old as the Royal Sisters.

I read over that part six or seven times. “Why the fuck do you gotta learn how to rule?”

“Because apparently, I am ‘young’ by Luna and Celestia’s, most definitely Celestia’s, definition of age… I knew them since we were foals, with me being about a year or two younger than Luna I believe. It’s hard to tell now after being so old.”

“That’s retarded. Do we have to go?”

“Yes. I do because I am legally a Princess in Equestria. And you have to go because Celestia wants you there.”

“Jesus, that bitch is more clingy than my ex. How badly is she trying to amend our friendship?”

“She is showing remorse for tricking you, myself, Princess Luna, and Princess Twilight Sparkle into thinking you’re a criminal. Those last two just thought you were annulled from your crimes; it was self defense after all. Neither even know that you had to try and assassinate a baby, something I know you were heavily not okay with, just to keep yourself out of Tartarus of all places. And knowing how Princess Celestia is, she would’ve sent you there for fun if she was bored enough. I think staying away from her would be wise. Something that old tends to be a bit disconnected from her emotions.”

“And you?”

“I know that I shouldn’t make my lover needlessly suffer. Unless it’s adorable… In all seriousness, something like what Celestia’s done to you wouldn’t have crossed my mind. Keep in mind that I’m supposed to be the evil one, and what she did was messed up even by my standards, Fruit.”

“Yeah, I know. You’d just whip me while wearing something sexy and call it a day. Or put me in jail for a week for murdering somebody in self-defense. That’s how it is in the Hive at least.” Chrysalis grinned at my knowledge f her kingdom’s legal system. I grabbed my suitcase that had nothing in it before sliding it away. Seriously, not wearing clothes meant less to travel with. Chrysalis simply put her crown away for some reason before leading the way to the train station… I got a good view of her ass. Yes, Chrysalis did notice, and started making sure her hips swayed even more as she continued to walk while occasionally peeking back and fluttering her eyelashes at me…. I am the luckiest fucking stallion in the world.

And Chrysalis even summoned a paper fan and giggled behind it while peeking at me… “Do you just love making me feel inadequate to be dating you?”

“What do you mean, Fruit?” Chryssy’s ears pinned themselves against her head... It was fucking cute.

“I… sometimes wonder what the fuck I did to land you.” Especially something and glorious as you.

“Well, you offered me shelter after something that would be quite traumatizing to the average mare, and fairly disturbing to some’ling as old as me. You did bathe me, housed me, fed me, and even had a very noticeable crush on me before I even undisguised myself. On top of that, you accepted me for me and not just Crystal Clear. I love you because you’re so accepting of me that it is ridiculous… and don’t think I haven’t heard about how you adamantly defended me in both instances where I’ve been defeated by a stronger foe…” Chrysalis leaned up nice and close to me. “Or how sexy it was when you did. Angry Fruit Punch is a Sexy Fruit Punch.”

“Oi, what about a calm and happy Fruit Punch?”

“Cute and handsome. Especially early on when just a simple kiss would render your mind worthless for a few hours.”

“At least I grew-”

Chrysalis kissed me on the cheek before locking lips with me. Everything around me became blank.

When I came to, Luna was using me as a pillow, Celestia was playing, and losing, chess to Pharynx(he was Chrysalis’s personal guard, so he got to come along. It also made me happy to see Celestia so mad. I later learnt that Pharynx checkmated her seventy times on that one train ride). Skitter was playing chess against Scatter and was also losing. Chrysalis was sitting to the side, knitting a couple of scarfs that looked like it said ‘property of…’ and ended with mine or Chrysalis’s names. I… That honestly would be really fucking cute if we wore those in public. I love Chryssy.

What I needed to know though, was why Luna was using me as a pillow, and why Chrysalis was happy with it. Though… Luna is nocturnal, and it’s been a fucking moment since me and Lulu hung out, What with me constantly working myself to an unhealthy amount, to Luna being nocturnal and busy with reacquainting herself with old duties and acquainting with new duties, we didn’t get to see each other option. So at my request, a servant brought me a whole pot of coffee and I resolved to talk and hangout with Luna. After all, she’s been pretty chill after learning that having sex with a stallion you just met is a taboo in modern-day society.

And so I sat and waited for the Lunar Princess to wake up. It turns out, it didn’t take that long since we left pretty late into the day. So it didn’t take long for everyone to retire for the night, but boy oh boy did Luna slowly wake up and realize who the heck she was using as a pillow. Because that’s where her guards decided to leave Luna; on some stallion she apparently had a crush on in the first week or so of meeting me. Of course, because Luna, she made a cute little noise before making an even cuter noise while yawning.

“Goodnight, thee…” Luna started rubbing one of her eyes with a shoeless hoof before flinching at the sight of me. “Fruit! Do not tell me that Chrysalis saw what I was doing? I was moved into my room and left in a trainbed; I didn’t think I’d be using you as a train bed.” Luna sighed. “Though I won’t complain if she has not seen me, as I would still like to see if Chryssy would allow me into her relationship with you.” I blinked and stared blankly at her for a few moments. “What? Am I not pretty enough for you?!” She shouted.

“Luna… Ow, my ears. Jesus woman, you yell fuckin’ loudly. But Luna, you’re pretty. Sexy as fuck too. But I’m in a relationship already… and monogamy was the norm where I came from; Polygamy was sorta looked down upon and considered gross. If things don’t work out between me and Chrysalis, I severely hope that things work out between us, then I wouldn’t mind giving you a shot. Hell, maybe in the future, I’ll be down for trying polygamy, and tickle you in that one spot I know you’re ticklish in.”

“I see… Though if you tickle me, myself and Chrysalis will make you suffer; I have word that you needlessly torture- oh buck! Stop these instances, you fiend” I started nuzzling Luna in the armpit(legpit?). The wild Luna began to squirm and jerk and laugh like a mad-lass while I did so; it was a spot that was incredibly ticklish on Chryssy and I was shocked to find out that Luna was also pretty ticklish there too. Needless to say, I ‘tortured’ Luna for a bit because she sounded cute and was cursing me in Ancient Greek somehow. Eventually I did stop and she was just wheezing while using me as a pillow once again.

“I see you enjoy borrowing my stallion, Luna.” Chrysalis plopped down in front of the Lunar Princess with a glare that, to anyone else, seemed genuine. To somebody who’s close to her, it was pretty obvious that she wasn’t even close to mad. She was amused, but not mad. Luna immediately recaught her breath and looked to the bughorse in fear, but was still leaning on top of me. “Because I am nice, I shall allow you to keep using Fruit as a pillow… but do note that I will be using you as a pillow the moment you two separate… enjoy talking to your friend, Fruit!” Chrysalis got in close and we shared a quick kiss before she just up-and-vanished us

“So… I heard you got pardoned from a murder because the pony you murdered tried to kill you. Personally, I think it is dumb. Back in the day, if somepony threatened your well-being, then it was a taboo if you didn’t even fight back. You were not hurt too badly, were you?” Celestia, you probably aren’t too much older than your sister, so why does she not sound like a sociopath?

“Uh… So it turned out I never killed anyone.” Luna raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, it was just self defense, and the guy I ‘killed’ just ended up being hospitalized for a broken jaw, before promptly being put in jail in the Hive for ‘threatening a royal’. Celestia thought it’d be funny to say I killed somebody, threaten to send me to Tartarus and nearly have me kill a baby to get myself out of going to literal pony hell.”

“What… the… buck. Tia actually thought that would be a funny prank?”

“Yup. I couldn’t kill a baby griffin! Nor could I kill any baby! I opened up a peace treaty between the griffins and changelings and reopened up trade with Equestria and griffons, so there’s that. Your sister’s fucked in the head, Luna…. On the brightside, Chrysalis is willing to let me adopt a griffin should I want to; I know they can’t be kept as pets, but the babies have no reason being as cute as they are.”

“Fruit, do you not think what Celestia did was awful? What she did is illegal!”

“So? She’s a Princess, and while she says you and her are equals, it’s clear that she probably still calls a lot more of shots, Luna. She could probably cover that shit up and pretend like it never happened. She nearly ruined my life twice, and managed to ruin it anyways by making me a politician…” I nuzzled Luna’s cheek. “Though thank you for getting me out of that shit. If I can somehow get you something a Princess cannot get, I’ll get it for you. Perhaps cook you a calzone or two? I wanna see if you ponies down to eat what are essentially enclosed pizzas.” Luckily that dropped that serious conversation and we went back to joking around.

“I would like to try a calzone. I’ve tried your style of pizza, and it is simply delicious. Though…” Luna gave me a sly side eye. “Do you think it is wise to offer to cook a lady some food? Some might even consider it a date… and I don’t think a certain Queen wouldn’t be too happy to see you dating another mare.”

“I will tickle you again.”

“No please! Anything but that!” Luna laid her head against my shoulder again. “I do miss spending time with you, but our schedules seem to conflict with each other and nearly every possible turn. And my duties are increasing and becoming more hectic. Did you know I have to regulate bucking flower growing?”

“Wut’n’da’fuk?”

“I know, right? It’s so stupid!”

“Luna, retire and join the Hive; we have cuddlebugs, who want to cuddle a Luna, and Chrysalis makes some mean chocolate chip cookies.”

“A tempting offer; I have quite the sweet tooth and enjoy having a cuddlebug. I’ve used Thorax’s services as a cuddlebug and I was quite satisfied with said services… I shall look into the consequences of betraying Equestria for a country we are at peace with.” We both chuckled at that. Well, Luna gave a cute giggle.

“Wanna set up a day-or night-where we just hangout for the day each month? Or a day. I honestly miss you, and I’m sure you don’t mind giving yourself a day off.”

“Of course! And after what Celestia did to you, she can handle the slight extra night’s worth of paperwork; nopony hurts my friend and gets away with it. Not even Tia!”

“Hit her with a deaging spell in her sleep, one that leaves her as a filly, and baby the shit out of her all day. Make her wear diapers, feed her like a baby in public, all that fun shit.”

“You… are evil, Fruit. This is why we need somepony like you.”

“Sadly Chryssy owns me, so you can’t use me.”

“Buck!” Luna nuzzled me before hopping up and stretching. “Come, let us go get tea. I’m sure you’re…” She stopped and dropped her jaw as I downed a whole kettle of coffee. “Fruit, you are a bucking idiot.”

“I know. I can see Jesus. He looks like a bitch.”

“Who the buck?”

It turns out I got drunk and high off caffeine. Pretty fun; I woke up spooning a bat pony somehow. Like an actual bat pony too.

Author's Note

Fruit will soon be even more angry at Celestia because of a certain mirror.